Season 9 Episode 19: The Next Chapter Of Dating

00:00:00 - 00:05:03

The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world. Hello hello everyone. Welcome to another episode of data will show all about modern dating. We feel all warm and fuzzy inside right now because our guest for this episode has been early listener very very easily win dateable. I came out as a as a little baby. Andy was there to receive it before we get into a Andy's life. This'll be very exciting. I just want to give everyone background. But who he is he is twenty eight years old originally from DC. He's been San Francisco for four and a half years. He's currently currently clicking up and having fun dating some but haven't really define the relationship it also the third status. He should have is moving Berlin. A nice way to wrap up your San Francisco Chapter Timing for this actually really sad to be leaving. It's more like a poll factor than a push factor. It's not that I'm fed up with anything here. I just need Teheran's experience abroad. So the reason why Andy so special to us because Julia and I both have individual stories of how we encountered Andy but but also he's just been with us since the beginning basically and giving us feedback on the episode gangs he's learned so open minded and just wanting to get better at dating and wanting to improve his daily life and so like I think he's the role model for all data is out there. I WanNa have a better life. I also remember like we. He didn't even really know you that well but you invited us to lunch to like talk about dating staffing company one out of it. Yeah like celebrities. Liberties engineers like Oh women. I decided to be it's awesome. That's good to know. Further record. Gender diversity has gotten better attack another Asian Ju- We've also witnessed your own dating journey. You data some of our friends friends end multiple hosts singles event. girled ask about Andy Andy has asked us about girls introduced the basic. You're welcome but let's talk about your dating journey because we really want to close chapter right before he moved to Berlin. Let's talk about what your journey has been like dating. In general what are some of the highlights and then we'll go into some little lies. I like to be awesome. Awesome is Julie's like give us a cry the dirt also highlights of lowlights than the future doing a bit of reflecting on this recently like yeah overall. It's been a great experience it's and mostly highlights if you look at dating as either urine relationship or you're not and if you're not you're not successful or it wasn't worth the time like I think that's not a great way to look at it because I think think sometimes you're meant to be maybe single but like maybe not committed someone else where you can still learn a lot from each other or at least try new place in San Francisco together and how a decent in time the lowest it would go as is generally like pretty decent night out but not a ton of chemistry. I'm never going to be the person that's GonNa show up and even realize it's probably not gonNA work out based on like body language and physical attraction. I'm not going to just cut off after five minutes like all of our time is valuable here and like if someone's GonNa make plans to meet up with you I feel like it's really. It would be really cold to just kind of like stand someone coming up after seeing now been hearing a few sentences for I mean honestly like I've stayed friends with a lot of people that That I initially met through a dating context actually just ran into WHO One of my co workers on the walk over here and I told her I was coming to your place to to do this podcast. And she was like and she's actually getting married this month but she was saying. Oh Yeah I remember. Those used as like actually had three buckets the buckets. She had the the bang bucket the bucket and boyfriend bucket. Okay and then. Her friend was like what. What about? Chuck Bucket like when you just don't want to even consider them But but focusing on the middle part the buddy bucket that that really is the thing that happens it's like maybe you think it might work out but it's okay if you end up being friends and I've met people who are not like they don't want more than x amount of people in their life so like if they're dating in context in it's not gonNA work romantically. They Kinda just prefer the cold Turkey. Never Talk to you again. I'm which I totally understand respect but you know the short and if you meet people and you feel like they it can still provide value to and vice versa and interesting.

00:05:03 - 00:10:01

I think it's worth at least saying contacts. So where does your people fall in the banged bucket bucket that get the I heard so those are not interest body bang bucket. That's it's like merged together. Yeah I honestly think majority of people fell into like eventually into the MUCK IT Kinda three day threshold is when when you Kinda like make that distinction. I find myself not being as selective after just one day out. You know trying to give people the benefit of doubt if maybe it wasn't like an electric for state but maybe that's a good reading might get better after that. There's a wide range of things. Four and a half years been pretty steadily on apps most of the time I want to categorize this into a couple of phases of life life. Let's talk about when you first moved to San Francisco that face. I remember we moved here around the same time. You're faces like open-minded just want to experience as many things in people as possible. WanNa go out and try doing things you've never done before. Obviously not really looking to settle down. So let's talk about that phase we'll we're some of the highlights highlights of that. That's like a great place to be when you somewhere at least if you're open to it I had moved from Houston where had gone through a tough tough break up that I didn't see coming and honestly it was. It affected me for a while. Mike Mango was just to get myself right. And it takes time and so it's easier to say that now. In retrospect in a moment I'm sure I was telling girls states like looking for a serious relationship to San Francisco but in reality like I wanted to be people. I didn't really know many people here when I moved here. You're kind of leads to be an open to. Something's ended up just in fun and yeah just for our listeners at home you can't see this but andy. Broad is dating journal with so and daring notebook. When did you start this journal? Sir I page journal San Francisco California second page. June I twenty fifteen. The day I moved here moved here entries for that day so it didn't like going to date first entry. dateable podcast. Yeah that'd be great way to just close the book and probably burn it. Some highlights from those earlier journal injuries. What was happening then Dan everything from like a few friends that I did know here or at least people that new friends here? It's like everyone wants to connect like it was like. Oh my God. You'd be perfect. You should like going to date with this person and new in town of his friend connections but some of them were specifically were like. Oh I think you'd like really they get along if you're open to dating like this person and some of that was that worked out and some of that you know I would like connect with the person never respond back so it was like. How do you actually a person but But Yeah I think it was in like my third week note like third day at work and I've never been one to you know really mess around with girls in the workplace. I just don't want to cross that line but this girl was like coming on really hard to me like like at work and it was really obvious like there. Was this other guy in the picture that I could tell like. Really like turn her and they both been working together for a long time so this is like probably like a lot of built up romantic stress for him that never came through on that. She's all of a sudden like hopping on the new guy and I was like this is a little much then I found out she was basically my neighbor to so just things like that. Where like you don't really see coming even if you're open to date and you might be on some of the apps some of the most memorable we're looking back things or when it's something that it was just kind of out of left field or on a flight back after a really long trip and I just like pretty much dead just like ended up really eh off with a flight attendant way back when you mean by the Mile High Club situated no self so actually I remember this because We talked for like four hours on. This is a flight back from Hong Kong. I found out that some of these long haul flights flight attendant abstain in certain places for you. You know three four five days. She was going to be here for five days. We didn't see any reason not to hang out and then we ended up. Also meeting on like a layover all across the world like four months later allowed. Wow yeah she's engaged. So I mean it's all about the journey destinations. You were able to meet each other on that executive it was pretty nice. Nice though it's like I'm thinking back to like early days when you first move somewhere and you're really like just trying to get settle. Yeah like I'd be curious like what you're like. I experience was but like I know for me like I wasn't really even thinking about data when our moved here like it was like a very secondary thing it was like like. Let me get friends. Let me get like acquainted in this new city limits to explore and enjoy life and then it was like things just happen organically and like wall. I think there's sometimes it's good to be intentional. There's also something to be said about dislike letting things happen and just being enjoying life in like where you are absolutely yeah. I think you're when you're telling that story.

00:10:01 - 00:15:17

I kinda thought backhand to like my early days in San Francisco and I miss those days new kid on the block. Everything seems new. You want to say yes to everything. I remember going to this House party where there was like live music and everyone's playing drums and remember as cool down for this right and going to like some other random party and we were just like I would never do those things now in the beginning. You're just so open to it. And what are some ways. We can take that back even that you've been living in for many years ears because they're still newness. There's something about dating fatigue that's related to when you think there's nothing new out. There really is their pockets of people and places that you may have never experienced. So how can we use some of that newness. Let's revisit and become a new kid on the block again. Yeah okay after. You're now no not new anymore. Kind of let's say like the UN phase wind to be in a relationship. How did you get to that point? I think I got to that point Through regret there was this girl probably somewhere in that phase. One that I hang out with and we for all intents and purposes were like dating other you know like spending the night each others place in like doing a lot of stuff together and even got hurt like a bunch of guests in one of them was like she worked at Emeryville and I was like this kilo car that said like across the bridge for you which deal deal cross a body water and that's not really something for sure but But yeah I it was one of the things whereas like everything was good. I just hadn't made up my mind about what I wanted. And and she was not super like decisive about like one in relationship. Probably more so like hey like what. What are we gonNA thing? And we Kinda just fizzled out and gentleman L.. A. And I hate to like the guy that's like see social media. She started stayed the new guy and then instantly I was like and I kinda like screw that up like I think she would have been actually a good partner in the relationship. All the signs were there you know. Maybe if she was going to end up moving to light L. A.. Either way but I think we probably could have been at work if it was something that that we were both a little bit more accidents. That's the downside of that phase. Where you're dislike? I'll do it ever not intentional intentional because like when you do have a situation that you're like oh shoot this could be something you're not necessarily like grasping matty's yeah right so then that Kinda push you the over the edge to be ready for a relationship. That kinda was when I was like you know I'm not getting any younger. I think this also happened. Six unfortunately I think My sports career in like athletic career peaked. A little bit early so I think around the same time was also like going through a few injuries and I kinda was like okay. I'm not is going to be young forever and as as can be. Maybe I should be a little bit more intentional about what I'm looking for and set that up front basically like not waste my time. If if is clear the other person is looking for that as well so yeah so I. I was definitely happy to take that step. I'd say this may be middle. Phase definitely closed out at the beginning of this year. which I I guess I'll get to but there are a few things that I thought were like really going to be off the ground and take off for some reason? I'm really good at like finding a dating people that are just out of really long relationships tips attracting those skills for some reason and you don't always know that factor it away so it's one of those things where to put it in Layman's terms. I've ended up being like a long-term rebound bound for I think a few different girls which is hard because like I think not agenda off both goes both ways. It's like if you're a great relationship and you're going to break up and I've been there before as well. You kinda like want the best parts of relationship again without the tough parts like Oh yeah I would love to dislike someone. Hang out with and you know watch me and then go into take companionship without the actual tough parts of relationship and nothing. Some people unintentionally maybe just seek that as they're trying to cope through previous breakout so feels like the signs are there that it's saying they want to hang out all the time. I WANNA actually take that next step with you. Yeah and it came to a head again at the earlier. This year was very intentional. Like within ten minutes of Unionist girl. I can't just say I'm looking for serious. Relationship would love to know what you're looking for. Is We had a pretty good mantra everything so far She seemed like she was a bit older. And she seemed like she was fine with Mature Conversation and she kind of was like. Oh Yeah I'm just not sure sure yet but like let's just go from here and that eventually like twelve days later led to just still bean like a really great thing so it was tough. Because like if I'm gonNA spend that much anti-missile and in that case I was trying to learn from past dating and kind of being like I need to be like distraction. Free like a real like this girl. I'm going to try to put my best foot forward. Like lay the red carpet. Like I'm going to minimize. Any side distractions like girls that I might just like have unintentionally kept around. And I'm GONNA be like. Hey sorry I'm like starting someone like we can't hang out how thing it Kinda was. It's tough to like after like twelve dates when we had a lot in common in. How Fun together? She was. Just kinda like still not really looking for anything Syria so that actually propelled me to really start looking earnestly in to move abroad so I I'm grateful for that experience because it was kind of like the final like unfortunate like okay like this is maybe a blessing in this is I of You know obviously a big move like this easier to do when it's just yourself instead of taking someone else's account as well so I was kind of like okay.

00:15:17 - 00:20:02

You know what it's not it's not a loss it's just like it's just a sign that this is what I meant to do. So like before you get into something share yes like you're like now I know I want it but let me make sure I like. Don't have any regrets ads and get this off my bucket exactly. Basically since March have been trying to basically low mike opinion like the almost the worst case scenario. This point is meeting someone that do really like no. They're not saying right. So you know what's crazy about what you just described is telling Julie One of my coworkers was listening to our podcast. The one thing I really WanNa one here is from a dude's point of view. Why when they're ready for relationship? How do I know that? And then what are some signs that they're ready and like why. Why is said that I'm meeting guys who don't seem like they want to commit? And what you're describing exactly the conundrum of what we face today when you are ready for relationship you look for someone who who gives you all the signs that they're also ready for a relationship but most of the time. Those are the people who are fresh outta relationship because they're the most familiar with what a what a contributor experts. So they're not scared to want to ask for more time to hang out. They're not scared to introduce because they're so used to basically just replacing their our acts with you right but the people who want to be in relationship who are single who are looking to get in a relationship are still playing that cat and mouse game a little bit. They're probably it's not as keen on asking for time. They're not like introducing you to friends right away so for you you might just take that as a sign that they're not ready they WANNA take a slow slow stains. Ready for relationship gets ahead in what's going on but then you find out your weekly your it could just be that they're more relationship oriented general and they could be ready for a relationship but I guess like this woman. She flat out told you she wasn't right. I think think I love having that conversation early on. No because it's like you know like I mean. In retrospect it's tough because you always gonna be like well I can change them. I can see what I could pull a lot that red carpet I can but the reality is she told you from dateline. Yes so so the the only thing and like everything in her situation makes sense. The only thing I wish wish would have happened was that she would have told me that before. We actually met up because like once. You're actually on the date together and have any time. It's kind of like all right. Well Yeah I mean like my school leave right. I like feels like yeah maybe have a higher competence like. Oh maybe you should change your mind and few weeks. Yeah but to our credit she had actually deleted the APP About a week before we met up we had already had the day playing around the holidays. We had a little bit of advance and she actually told me like. Oh it was actually planning to bail on this day. Okay but my friends my friends saw you have a lot in common. And you shouldn't be already made the plan Blah Blah. But retrospect. I wish she had listened to her friends in the rest cancelled the day because it ended up being much more painful two month process of icon fallen for her but but to be fair. We've heard this over aurium. People just don't really know or they may say one thing but another and they don't know until they're presented with so I don't fall turf turf. At least she told you pretty early on versus like a year into this the other side too is like you could always look at it like at least you had to good months and you saw that the total of really falling for someone now in spawned this abroad living and you kind of do need that spark every everyone was like. I think it's easy to get in Dane ruts where he like Oak am I Canadian. Feel that sparking the almost question like I. I'm never going to be one. That's like does exist like like I like silly but but it does help to like every once in a while at least you know going to date five six telling your friends about wine your friends to meet bright right. I mean a lot together so I mean I had a situation recent- situation where my boyfriend basically Lead the country. He lost his visa. And it's like. In retrospect you could say like. Oh that's really shitty. I got my like emotions involved and I got attached to someone but then like on the flip side can be like. Oh I had that experience yes right so it's like it's a catch twenty. Two I get it hurts more. If like you keep getting invested. Yeah but if you don't ever try to get invested like that's not the solution. Either I go under this motto. I rather be hurt and know that I have feelings of never getting her in being not being connected to my feelings and all the experts we've talked to have said the only way to get better. Relationships is to get into relationships right so scared getting relationships because Oh how maybe this person is not ready.

00:20:02 - 00:25:00

They're getting her the timing Blah Blah Blah Blah. I'm getting her if we're going to learn we have to just throw into these situations if it's two months of its six months of its one week it doesn't really matter. Just you're learning exactly so okay. This piece three. They are yet before we go to phase three but like you said that you felt like all the women you were interested in. Were like kind of not ready. Were there any women that were interested in you. That you were not splash. So it to some extent the girl I was talking about before that moved to. La is one of them. I think that at least there was like her. She was a little bit more ready than I was. It's not that I wasn't into her. If I'm trying to put myself in the reverse shoes yeah I think that's part of the problem. Is that like even if you communicate eight feelings and emotions. You don't always feel everything like I'm sure this was just describing from earlier. This year doesn't realize how much I was hurt by that right and I probably don't realize how much I've potentially hurt someone else. That might have felt more for me than I realized. Even if there was good medication both ways so if you have any advice on my holiday like better that right so that even if there is a difference at least you can know where you stand and this not just like this thing that just lingers for a while I think when lingers is when two people don't talk about the elephant in the room that's when lingers but it doesn't linger if you're still pushing the conversation if every time you meet you learn something new about your relationship it whether it's what she likes. She doesn't like what she prefers preference in communication. That's all something you're learning each time. So that's not time wasted. I think think lingering is when is just status quo for a long time and you just have your playing psychic and you're trying to guess what's on their mind. Yeah lingers I am. I'm curious though and I don't I'm not GonNa put you on the spot. Where her on the spot? But I've been wanting to ask about one of our mutual friends so you did hook up with Obviously not going to bring up her name but on paper I thought you two would have been a great match and I think you guys have flirtations and you went out and never blossomed into anything and I. I know that you wish she was looking for something more. And I think you were just about to get to that face to in your life so what happened. Yeah what happened there and I know she's in your journal not totally sure but probably somewhere closer to like. I was not quite ready to take the next step. I think to her credit she quickly than pivoted to find something like more what she was looking for. So I think it may be like I was just has taken too much time to even out or or being willing to kind of like put in the required commitment to even just like getting to know her well enough time if there should be relationship chip in this case so happy to say. We're still friends and you know the things that were never it was just yeah. It's Kinda like you either really talk through everything and like there's a clear agreement of not seen each other again or two things might fizzle out a little bit but then if you have that much in common and get along so well if you're okay with being friends sounds like I think that's still a great thing so so in in this situation if I'm just going to speak for some women out there who curious if that isn't situation where so you're kind of like unsure where things are going. Maybe you're not totally ready. And she sees that and she acts on it by pivoting meals like kind of spending less time with with you with the situation have changed if she said Andy I like you. I want to be in a relationship with you. Can you work on this with me. Let's pause pause for a quick break because it's that time of year where things he'd get a little emotional. The holidays can bring up a lot of feelings some good and some bad. That's why I think now more more than ever is a good time to focus on mental health. I am so grateful I found better help where I can get online counseling professional credible and compassionate therapists in a safe and private online environment. I make it a habit to talk to my therapist because sometimes I just need to talk things out that are helps counselors specialize in relationships depression Russian trauma and many other areas. You're sure to find a counselor. You jive with considering behalf over three thousand licensed professionals across all fifty states they even offer financial assistance. Now dateable listeners. Only you get ten percent off your first month with a code dateable get started today by going to better help dot com Slash dateable simply fill out a questionnaire to assess your needs and get matched with a suitable counselor again. That's better help dot com slash dateable and use the the Code D. A. T. E. A. B. L. E. for ten percent off your first month now back to the show with the situation have changed. If she said Andy I like you. Yeah I want to be in a relationship with you. Can you work on this with me. Definitely I think I'm always a big fan of like super direct almost like a little bit jarring commit make it like.

00:25:00 - 00:30:04

I think you need that kind of jolt sometimes to most people. NSF HAVE A lot of competing priorities in a lot of things that may be you. Give yourself the excuse to spend more time doing whether it's work or health or dating family stuff like in those type of situations. It's not that you don't WanNa resolve something or figure out what it is but you might just knocking further down the list and it Kinda stays idle until someone does make a bold move whether that's out. Here's my new significant other be jealous or a Or Yeah just say something super direct and really like almost like an ultimatum. Like hey what is this I mean what do you have to lose at that point. Exactly sure have you ever had had that kind of conversation with someone I it's out great on your client actually. This is kind of good timing but I was doing some research for like male. Dating experts has to come on our show. Kim Gra Sky Matthew Boggs. He had like a youtube channel. That was pretty popular in like one of them was like basically just like what happens when when a guy like kind of fades out in comes back handle it. His advice was so frequent Iraq and when he said it I was like town. That actually is like super interesting so he basically said this was his advice on. Get Andy's opinion if this would have scared him off or if it would have been like great so his advice was like if the guy had disappeared in re contacted the woman she responds favorably to tax. He asked her to hang out. She's like like woody eleven minds. I kind of deflect yet in then when he invites her somewhere she's like to me like do a quick call. I I just want to okay. So she calls about she basically says like hey like I was really enjoying getting to know you and notice like like you said that you were going to contact me like in. Today's it's been like two weeks and like that's totally cool but I'm looking for a guy that's GonNa follow through on his promises like are you that type of guy and if you're not that's fine line I just want to know and I was like damn that is like the whole Like you have no attachments of flake. Okay I found out earlier. So it's not like an ultimatum. You're just being like hey. This is my expectation disease like look. It's a big deal when someone has integrity and they do what they say. You should see that. And if they respond back and they're like hey was misunderstanding like noted. I won't do it again. Versus like making a bunch of excuses like you get more input into someone right right and it's not like you have to say I'll never see this person again or I wall and it's not like that it's just another data point into who this person is totally interesting so so I mean this is the thing we people are afraid to be that direct Frayed of scaring you off right if they think if I I bring this up. He's GonNa think all I. I WANNA commitment to early. I don't I don't want to lose him. This early by yours and ear saying like I would actually prefer this kind of your wise. I think it's from the East Coast. I think honestly like you know having lived in both places I think it is a little bit more like a fragile. Maybe be like passive medication environment here even if people are used to you kinda like conform to maybe more of the of the scale as opposed to being on the extremes so every once in a while when you know that that really strong old like super direct communication comes up from a dating partner it is kind of jarring but I think it is great and this is certa related. I think actually going back through the journal a bit too. I've actually met a lot of girls at like shows like concerts and it is like extremely attractive to me if a girl is going to be at a show by herself because that means she's not there just because she wants to be like inner instagram with her friends the next morning he actually just. She's not yes. She likes the music she's there and she's like independent enough to do what she wants to do. Without because it it's kind of similar travel. Like a Lotta my friends. Ask about travel and it's like oh well you know. I really wanted to go this place. I I saw this fight deal but then I didn't go because I couldn't find friends go with would you rather go by yourself or never exactly so and so yeah and then like my love for live music as well. I think I think at some point. I did take a quick break from the APPS for a few months but I still wanted to meet people of course so I was using a service called jubilee and go into a lot of concerts and yeah like met a few girls that I really really got along Super Wall with if you can pinpoint what maybe some of your main like doc. non-negotiables are like if someone doesn't like the same type of music as you and you spend a lot of your time doing that. I'm sure it could work out still but like realistically. Maybe you should focus your efforts on like that type of scene and but in general like those kinds of maybe that's like a quick synopsis of like things I learned along the way of how to optimize for what I'm looking for. It's like focus on some of the things that are really important to you and like so it's the passion of like the live music and also like hey if a girl will only be there by herself she's Independent. She's takes initiative. Maybe she would be the kind a person more direct in terms of hey like I'm not gonNA waste my time.

00:30:04 - 00:35:03

Someone that prioritizes thank you so I just think. In general people should be more direct with our communication. We should learn to have more of that. East Coast Vibe. I'm neither one of you. Watch the Bachelor in paradise. It's okay if you don't alright ensure some listeners. Do Sarvant Irvin Magic. There was an episode. Recently where this couple Kadian Chris who had met on Bachelor in paradise on the show and the are in like a relationship Asia right. They're developing the relationship having a great time and because she is so scared of making hint like pushing him away by moving too fast she says one something to him and it completely throws him off she says something along the lines of. I'm totally cool. New Date other people. I found myself to core feeling I'm totally cool. You do you do you. I don't need us to be committed etc.. So he goes off in his confessional. He's like I can't believe she said that all they want to hear was her to say I want you to be mine. I only other. But they're so she says this so now I'm thinking I should go on dates with other people. And so we imagine and she and then the episode basically comes back around with her crying. Like I don't know why sit that I really wanted was for him to be in a committed relationship right well. I think that's the the point to it. This is like first of all. Give someone the opportunity that they might not even realize that they did something or also like be honest with what you're looking for in. Ah I think his point was like it's more attractive when a girl has that self respect that's lake if you're not meeting my needs than like I'm going to find someone that will but I'm still giving you an opportunity opportunity and letting you know I want you to meet my needs so I think that's the problem is me of US daders. Try to be the cool data. With what you do you you do you. I do me. But we're not communicating our needs in our demands. It's like the baby that never cries. You're just never going to feed it right because you just never hungry hungry and the baby. That does cry. You will cater to their needs. So that's what we need to learn from the space to Andy. That's what I took away. Not any lito go face three. What happened that I mean face three so as I cemented the plans to to move to Berlin and everything. It's kind in a in a way it's been liberating because you know I've still had this past few months here since I've known about the move I'm I'm like actively trying to not be in a relationship because that I was thinking more difficult it is Kinda Nice because yeah it's kind of like almost backed high started and I'm not saying in terms of just like hookups. It's just more like you almost have that new novelty of appreciation appreciation for things in the city. Even if you haven't done before it's kind of like you know this might be the last time you do this thing. You have to go do this thing spending a lot more time. Hey you with friends and really like investing time in people that you might not see much just realistically so being Happy Heart. That's like yeah like I think it's great to be intentional. Prioritize dating and this is where there's a line because yeah ever prioritize it and sometimes it just doesn't happen then on the other side if that's all all you're doing that's all you're a chore and you're not just like being around people that you love to enjoy their company Totally it was a hinge was the only APP I use for most of two thousand eighteen in early this year but it was like one of those things where I was. That was the most often APP that of US checking I turn off notifications the that actually probably made it worse because then I would have to go and see your messages or like. Oh who's new today. Then I might be able to match with. It's like yeah. It was like a bad distraction for me and it was like it's it's like wow that easy low hanging fruit that you do when you know you should be doing something else like you know big project or something that requires more focused than just kinda like opening up and seen right. What might be in store for you without really any real intention so once? I caught myself doing that too much time off and just enjoy the last few months here. Is this a catch twenty two though because I feel like for you. You're leaving but look for people that like. Are China League build a life here and find that robotic partner. It's like I kind of took that stance that I was like. Yeah I'm not going to really use APPS. Granted I just wasn't in the right place today. 'CAUSE I was like getting over an expert like I just didn't really meet anyone in that time because I wasn't like actively using apps so I think it's like it's kind of a catch twenty two. It's like it is a good way to meet people especially in this day and age when like realistically you just don't meet people people in bars that much especially if you're there with your friends and stuff just for the record I'm hundred percent a supporter of APPS and I think they're great guy. Honestly I've met so many people here that that I'm just even though I'm in a few different circles there are people that I've met like in the medical industry or just places where like I you know education in like I'm just it's not really like I don't have a lot of friends in those circles and don't go to events in those spaces so it's like without but it's really interesting if you meet. Someone like wrestling totally different from you. brings new perspective might be from somewhere totally different.

00:35:03 - 00:40:14

I think the APP Sergei and so at no point do I want to demonise them at all. It's more. I think our behaviors that we use is or that we kind of like allow ourselves to fall into because then if you turn it into kind of like a a numbers game I think that's when it's a trouble because because then again you're not really focusing on attention you're not focusing on like who might actually be a good match for you as opposed to just like. Oh someone's down to meet tonight great plans time selling your calendar Allender. So are you gonNA use apps when Berlin I think so probably want to give it a couple of months. I enj- in Berlin. And they're not totally sure I think they're they're. They're definitely in London. I know that I'm not sure there in Berlin also released tender. But that's actually. Yeah you're I like the new kid again. I think you're now going into this phase which is super exciting. It's like what are your intentions for Berlin dating. Yeah Yeah I do want to see real quick like there is a part of me for a while that was like you know after deciding to eventually leave us. I was like kind of almost disappointed that it didn't end up in a long series relationship because it is such a great city for all the listeners at home like I don't want to be jaded because it's such an amazing city to be a romantic so like in your four and a half years here. Yeah you never call anyone your girlfriend kind of complicated but nothing. That was no one ever met my parents or anything like that. Actually that's a lie. See also on your girlfriend. I wouldn't say that per se but it was definitely we're like for sure like dating but so basically no lengthy thing that was like for sure black and white like relationship fall in love. Yes okay warn the ones yes But but yeah. I'm single so temporary. Love Your lucky has fallen lot absolutely time like you mentioned earlier. It's like one of those things I think. Movie But Oscar winning movie with about the two men in love in Italy and at the end. The DAD has a really like epic monologue where he's basically saying like he's consoling doing his his kid who basically fell in love and then the guy left and went back to the states and he was like synopsis of is so much better to feel something than to as you get older. You're kind of condition to feel less and less and less and it had so much ethos because it's like this older dad who maybe his relationship relationship with his wife was not really the same anymore and then like this teenage boy. That's just like so. You know Roy. Moore's law coaster and love and like yeah like any day that we'd rather be on the road cursor aggressor than on on the flat highway so that is a great quote. You Ain't loves the rollercoaster analogy Peter. I I love it. You love the rollercoaster out to a question about Berlin like yeah. I don't know if it's as much of a romantic city. As as just in terms of the things you can do a lot of sex clubs. I am no man's transplants to try and if corruption which means sex in dark dingy basement or sex like with an amazing view of Golden Gate Bridge or something else. Then I'm going to choose throws Oh true. Romance you have not explored outdoors of SF with dramatic partner. Please do actually felony. Yeah so for Blinn. I honestly to be determined. That's good way to go into it. I honestly my mindset is really just like to be present here while I'm still here are probably what's coming for me over there but as we talked about this kind of a great way for like closure and and hopefully just to impart at least one or two helpful fool tidbits or at least inspiration to those out there because I think like there's so many great opportunities and so many amazing women out there man I'm sure to But so many women out out there that I know that are still single that maybe those out there might be able to meet all. This has been such a good conversation. I have so many takeaways. Go for you want me to start. The I think the one that really sticks out to me is just like how every life stage in every relationship. You have whether it's like. We talked about one week or like six months. Whatever that timeframe is like all kind of builds together to give you who you are and what you're looking for in the future like I love to do this exercise for size that I like to go back and look at like path was that yeah? It was good to remember like this is where I was at that weight. And I think there's like different things you can bring rain in from different life stages not to say I'm GonNa like revert back to my twenty five year old self but like I think like some of the stuff just being like that deary. I'd kid that so so excited to be in this new place open to every invitation and just like really willing on your dating show as one of the contestants in a onesie got that one but yeah exactly like just down to do anything and I think like some of that does disappear with age and like I think think there's also things that you can take in from your learnings in like.

00:40:14 - 00:45:03

How would it be more intentional in that stuff that it doesn't have to be like either or like how I was back? Glenn how I am now. What are some ways to kind of take the best of both in bring that to your dating life now? I like that. This is kind of like the ghost of Christmas. Past reminds me of that. Because it's a it's a way of looking at your present situation from time line perspective so my takeaway is whatever you're going through right now. What conundrum you're in view it from the Lens of you five years ago as if you were completely new to the situation? Yeah how would you approach the situation. Now like if you're trying to example trying to define the relationship with your current partner if you were just brand new into this and you were kind of like innocent or ignorant will would you do. How would you coach it and the second perspective is looking back at the situation from five years from now? What are some things that would not matter? Oh yeah at that point. Why did I dwell or the guy that ghosted that you have no idea what his name is to help? Like I have no idea what your name is. Her role grow as great perspective and realizing these are things that will not matter in five years. Kuno go through danger and Sparta. uh-huh probably not anymore Stanley rowing event conduct your life. Yeah I'll be doing is what Andy's Wendy's already done is keep a journal whether a dating journal or just a journal in general because our memories are so selective that sometimes we need to go back and look at exactly what happened. Yeah I love this theme of like no regrets to it just kind of saying what you want is what you need and like not really kind of having a fair of the outcome like we talked about kind of like you looked back at that woman that you were like. Oh this is like someone I could have had a serious relationship. And I wasn't ready in the she moved on. It's like if you don't have those regrets of like saying what you meant to say like. That's the best way to move forward. I know I've had regrets. I know there's been people people in my life that I didn't have the guts to tell that I was like in. Yeah just passed away and like really the thank you. Yeah if you don't return the feelings ABC comedy show this past week under the main headline or had a great line about like he was kind of Dorky. Guy Is kind of his persona and he was saying you know dating apps a lot better if you just assume that potentially those people that aren't swiping right back to you. They might just be dead ten profiles dialing back. There probably stay well. Oh I bet. More figuratively passes to be like offer Shoot Aviv but yes I can see where that could misinterpreted but like yeah like. In retrospect that's like what did I have to lose. By telling that Mike Worse cases laying they would have been like. I'm not interested best cases like that could have been my person right. It's like can't look back and be like Oh. Why did I do that? But it's a good learning experience and then you're like now I know for the future like I'm not GonNa hold back. I'm just going right like say it. How it is and live life life without regrets looking back through my journal? One of the things I was happy to have recorded was like I try to be objective about things like. It's hard your memory area so selective and so kind of sporadic. I was like I need to objectively put down like on a scale of one to ten at its peak. How into this person was I and I look back? I think there are three tens so pretty rare but to me. That's like that's three people that I was happy to like. Try to make it work with them and unfortunately it didn't but it's like even like the seventy eights nines it's like that's like in the territory of like. Yeah I still want to get to know you kinda thing. Some of them. I was surprised by a while. Pretty into that person person. Maybe it will. What would I do? I was like the first phase. She saves probably not willing to take the next step. But right now you know that you had that capacity in that you met People Selena delake. I think that's always a good reminder because people are always like there's no one here or like Y of I've been single for so long not always that you have been single like maybe you were in a time of your life that you are new somewhere. You would other priorities. which is understandable? You're getting off the ground but it's nice to remember like oh I did have a spark mark with like this person in this person and it's not like there's no one good out here totally are good people out here and I can find it again. Yeah absolutely my second. Take away from the conversation with Andy is how can we just keep turning the page. I think this is kind of what I really WanNa live by. Is this idea of progress. Like always pushing for progress whether that progress hurts you or not.

00:45:03 - 00:50:09

I mean they're weeks that go by that are just a complete blur to me and if I were to write a book about every day of what happened happened. That book will be so boring because such a blur. But how can we every day insert something new into this book or Journal that when you look back on it it shows progress of your life. That's only we can all work towards because it's not just about dating life Our life in general totally fantastic like we wish you the best of luck in Berlin. We're going to expect to visit our guest podcasts or like a leader follow up yes I'm sure dating and Berlin is very very different but I've had two friends who went to Berlin one went therefore study abroad and other one was there on vacation. Both of them that women there and song love and got married there so to. That's a lot or two out of like the people I know. I know that two out of the thousands of people I know who visited Berlin. But that's no yes it's possible. Yeah yeah page as I sit and talk about this too. It's like dot much more clear to me that like turn the page like someone else. They're waiting for you. That's willing to go out it. Don't dwell on something that if if it's getting down not saying like a serial dater but like passer in San Francisco people have been really negative and I think we just need to flip it back like like an amazing city Yep there's so many incredibly smart people here like I'm reminded every time I go visit a friend. Different City like some people just don't have as much complexity to them as the average person here does so really digging that and like really find out who people are and get to know what they really are about as as opposed to just like are you attracted them or not. Because that's what ends up being more lasting long term anyway so that's a really good like last. Stop that we have because I think you mentioned earlier too is sometimes you. Just don't I don't know if you've been like someone because you haven't gotten the chance to get to know them so there's that side of it on the other side is like if someone really isn't like exhibiting getting the qualities of a partner that you want. They're not the last person in whatever city you're in sometimes it's hard when debt like really fix one. Great data data like three great dates and this person is amazing. Because I have like even this like fantasy my mind but they're showing you who you are and it's not who you're looking for. Don't be afraid to say what you want and move on. Yeah if you're not getting your needs met you should ask for them to be met or move on. Yeah get out of it What we love about you you andy? Is that the four and a half years that you've been in San Francisco. We've never seen you be dating fatigue. I don't think I've never seen a negative or talk negatively negatively about dating. You definitely had times of frustration. But you've never said I give up on the city. I never been like that. So you're quite the role model in that in that race. This station is normal. Yeah exactly if your human your feelings you can turn into. learnings became a whole city for like one the date that didn't go well like a lazy like this apply every city because in every city people will blame it on their own out. You can't blame the city city. You chose delivered everywhere. Traffic sucks everywhere inside housing everywhere. There's too much the countertops. Yes but you gotta deal with it because he chose to live in that city now any Exercise for you your twenty eight. You're metering thirty before or even though it is a big milestone for a lot of people so if you are able to meet your thirty year old self right now and talk to him and tell him some things things. I don't know whether it's questions or you want to give them some advice. What would you say to your thirty year? Old Self dating related dating really. Why would the thirty year old? Andy listened to the twenty year old wiser than along the way. Yeah so hope that when I do hit thirty I'm still being optimistic about everything Regardless of the surroundings in the context and whether I'm in a relationship or not at the very least I I think a big theme of data here as well has been like at the bare minimum. I don't want that ever that person to ever be able to say in person or like he didn't treat me with respect. Yeah or like because it is a small city but even if it weren't even if there was a city of ten billion people like I don't want someone walking out like thinking poorly of me so it's a person at the end of the person and it's not just like oh I didn't. I didn't like the salad so I'm going to give it a bad yelp review again. We've kind of touched on agent a little bit like as as you get older. I think the tendency is to be more cynical or maybe Jada ed or maybe just think that you can't feel passionate anymore but I think hopefully thirty isn't too far away like you said so. Hopefully that I'm still still kind of just like you know making sure that at the very least hopefully both people are at the table are bringing these Yasim bite at the very least I hopefully can bring that and maybe bring someone out of their own.

00:50:09 - 00:51:53

The Great Answer Eric. Because honestly that's the only thing you can troll. Yeah like we don't know if you're going to be single off. They're going to be buried or gauge. We've no idea but like the only thing you can control is your outlook elaborate. Yeah absolutely my outlook is bright for you. Andy Your Berlin. You're going to have so much fun. All the sex clubs and tell me about it. 'cause let's see where Romantic Golden Gate Bridge. You said this German like the least sexy language in the world like never know which is the beauty of life all right. We're GONNA wrap this up. Thank you again for being such a loyal listener. We thought this was a great way for you to wrap up your San Francisco chapter but also for us to say goodbye to you but pfeiffer now for to see you again we'll be in Berlin. We'll be Burland dateable Berlin. Okay stay want want to continue the conversation. I follow us on Instagram facebook and twitter with the handle at dateable. PODCAST TAG US any post to the HASHTAG. Stay dateable and trust us. We we look at all those posts then head over to our website dateable PODCASTS DOT com. There you'll find all the episodes as well as articles videos and our coaching service with vetted industry experts you can also find our premium y series where we dissect analyze an offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums Roseau downloadable for four free on spotify apple podcast Google play overcast stitcher radio and other podcasts platforms. Your feedback is valuable to us. So don't forget to leave us a review and most importantly remember to stay dateable.