S6E15 Meeting your half orange

00:00:00 - 00:05:02

The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world.

This episode of dateable is brought to you by five hundred brunches. Five hundred branches connects like minded people with similar interests to meet in real life over brunch. You answer a questionnaire about your interest and how you spend your time. And then they'll match you. In small groups of sixty eight at a brunch spot. In san francisco get a free entry into a brench now by signing up at five hundred brunches dot com and using the code date able. Hey everyone welcome to another episode of dateable. Show all about modern dating. When it comes to dating everyone has their own perspective and their own approach on how you should date. You probably hear it from your best friend your mother your your brother. Everyone has their own opinions. And today. we have an author. Amy spencer with us today. Who is the author of meeting your half orange. Utterly upbeat guide to using dating optimism to find your perfect match. I don't know how. I can even say that sentence without a big smile. This is just so like sunshine and giddy. And i'm just grinning. So amy how are you. I'm great thank you. I'm smiling. And i will say i read this book a while back and it's definitely one that has stuck with me so i was like away. We get on this book on the show. So i am excited about this one. But what's even more hilarious. Is a book on amazon. Apparently amazon switched the image of your book to gnaws the rapper. His autobiography which is hilarious. Because it's like talking about dating optimism and there's no as the rally smoking in the car but now it's back. We saw that amazon. Get some props for that. I ask them do. They fix it for the headsail sunshine. Cover the orange on. It was like. I wouldn't associate gnaws with dating optimism about okay. I'll see where this goes. Who knows right under cover. It's all good so amy's originally from long island and currently in venice beach in la enjoying the sunshine today and she is married. Now amy your book from even just the title of it. It's about dating optimism but you also have written some other books one of them's called bright side up a hundred ways to be happier right now. So you're just like a happy grew i am. It just happened. I i was born that way. I was nurtured that way. And when i realized it could be helpful to other people to share some of the things i learned by being that way. That's what kind of inspired me to write these books. No one. I love that you also have a website called the life optimus dot com and you offer assignment optimism tips on your twitter account optimist. So you've really just branded yourself ask this person who's like the not just dating but like a life optimist. I would say wow. I think that we could all use that. Little injection sometimes is is kind of what led me to do that. We all need the reminders. Little bit of breakside thinking and change everything especially obviously in dating which did for me so speaking of dating meeting your half orange. What does that mean. What the half orange. And it's a mystery. A half orange is a translation of the spanish phrase. Me-media netanyahu which translates as my half orange. And it's a phrase that a lot of spanish speaking countries used to mean like your perfect other half your sweet other half and the man. I have since married which i Essentially wrote the book about meeting is his family is from argentina and when i first met his family they were you all aghast and excited that he had met his admitted. I decided that everybody needed one of those. I love it. So it's like your lobster. Yeah yes yes you're orange say important. Note that everyone needs another half to complete them because that is not at all what the concept of the book is about. Or would i believe but more that you're other half is someone who complements you. You know you you come together and meet in the middle and together have a nice life that brings out your best so both of you so before meeting your half orange. Were you always this way. How did you date. What was your dating life like. Well i started out the happiest on earth. I was always up for anything.

00:05:02 - 00:10:00

All you wanna meet my friends. Sure i'd love to meet your friend. Oh sure i'll go on a first date with the guy at the deli. Who asked me out. I was pretty much open for anything and i tended to focus more on long-term relationships. Meaning that if i go on a couple dates with a guy but i wouldn't i wouldn't drag them out unless i saw a much longer future so i was really. I dated a lot. It was what that meant but what happened. Was that after years and years and years of dating and not finding the one i wanted to stay with and just kept having one day at a time or three days at a time right date for three weeks and just couldn't find the right person it started weighing on me and watching my friends get married and watching my friends then have children and kind of being left behind. It really started to eat at me and and Chip away at my confidence at my hope. And i found myself feeling. I don't know more and down more and more over it and kind of on a little bit of bitter. He knows i started. Just i start talking so negatively about dating and about love. And i'll probably never find the right guy and you know there's maybe there's no one out there for me and i just i found myself using so many negative words. I didn't recognize myself. I got to the point that i didn't recognize myself nor liked what sounded like i think. A lot of people probably relate to that sensitive. Yeah i didn't mean it. I was telling the truth at the time you know. I just really felt like there wasn't going to be somebody for me. And so. I kept telling everyone that and of course telling essentially the universe that and so that's what i got. Morath was a whole lot of not the right person. What are your what you're describing is like dating cycle that a lot of people go through on a monthly basis. They start maybe really optimistic. And they get the all these dating apps and they wanted me everyone and by the end of the month or like deleting all the apps and taking your dating hiatus so how did you get yourself out of this mindset. At essentially i was inspired by my sister who ended up she was also kind of a rut and decided to create a group with some girlfriends and first big thing called the goalies. They would get together and talk about their goals. They wanted to the future and they would talk about Essentially you know how they wanted to feel in their new jobs and how happy they wanted to be and she started visual visualizing herself like she was going to take a break from work and travel cross country and she could feel the wind in her hair and she was going to see all these states she hadn't seen before and experience new things and meet new people and she ended up getting the most dream job on earth. She got offered the job to work for you too as their massage therapist on their world tour. Yeah and i said well wait a minute with six months ago. You were miserable at your job. You started talking about how you're gonna quit and travel cross country. Now you have your dream job on earth. And she said well. Yeah just started talking about what i wanted and really getting my like my optimism up and feeling good about it and i thought i was down in the dumps really over how my life was going and i thought well if she can do that with work. Maybe i can do that with love. And so i kind of borrowed her techniques for myself in thinking about dating and just literally changed how. I spoke about dating how i felt when i thought about it the activities i was doing making sure that i did more positive things and surrounded myself by more people that made me feel good and over time. Just the optimism that i built topped the attitude that it affected me is what led me to my hosted. A lot of these mindset changes do come from sort of how you speak and how you talk about things so give us an example of how you used to frame a situation versus the optimistic way of talking about it. So it's a great question. Because i feel like so many of us don't even hear what we sound like when we talk about things so like one thing that i i found myself saying a lot is that i just want a guy who will call me back or adjust when a guy who has a job right i. It was the going for the lowest common denominator. Just want a guy who has two feet or who is not that great with lowest common denominator was on my list and i later realized well. Wait a minute. I want a guy who calls me back end to me and is interesting and we have a good time so i started changing my language around what i was looking for was kind of one of those examples on.

00:10:01 - 00:15:04

It felt better. You know to start asking for more and start expecting feeling like i deserved more than just a guy who call me back so one thing you mentioned your book is believing in the universe being in tune with what you want so if you say you don't wanna be single anymore the world may bring you your focus on which is being single. Can you explain more about that. So the way. I saw it. And the way i felt it was that when i would say i don't want to be single anymore. I here in my tone what that sounded like so what that sounded like was like. I don't wanna be single anymore right. Which which is sort of like a depressed over it tired way of speaking. We're feeling if i said instead. I wanna relationship it was. It was about the tone of what i was looking for. Which was the positive message again. The word itself saying single are saying in an bitter tone but also kind of just saying the word single over and over again was in my opinion attracting more singleness. You know it's the. It's the age old law of attraction concept. Which i firmly believe in and i think it plays a big part in how i did. Find my husband repeating. What you don't want is reminding the world what you don't want and Attracting more of what you don't want to you. So i tried to flip it. You know instead of what you don't talk about what you do want to be poor want money. I don't want to be single. I wanna relationship. I love how you made a comment about alex. If like you're always like oh wire all men selfish and commitment phobic and that's what you start to see. It's almost like looking for it now. Because you're like thinking about that so much. Oh yeah absolutely. In fact one of the things. I started actively doing anytime. I caught myself talking about what i didn't want i would flip it. Think about what. I did want instead and instead of like what you're saying you know being afraid of or talking about commitment phobic guys i would think okay. Hang on. let me think about some guys that i do think are good. People you know. Put my friends partners. Were people i worked with and i would look at those guys and saying okay. Look at that guy. He's been committed for a couple of years with her. He's kind to her. He invites her to everything he calls. Her back takes her out for nights meals. Whenever it was. I found myself focusing more on that and it kind of the more. I looked at the good stuff. The less room there was to focus on the bad south. This is almost like psychology one one marketing versus about averaging the minute that the reason why advertising works is that they present an idea in your head and once presented. And it's in your head you start seeing it more and more people who like shopping for red cars. They end up seeing more red cars on the road. It's not necessarily more red cars as more right. Exactly there's all these commitment phobic men. Yeah everywhere if amy's flipping the script there's all these really great attentive men. yes exactly. We actually had an episode with a with a woman who was sick of being breadcrumbs. So all these men would string her along tell her she scraped but then they come in and out of her life and she was sick of it and she kept saying like why am i attracted all these men who keep breadcrumbs any but if you were there to speak to her you would probably say well. Flip it instead of saying. Why are all these men break cramming you you should say i'm looking for men who are respectful who are Not afraid of commitment. Who wanna be the relationship who you know. Yeah it's the positive of it. Yeah and in no it sounds simplistic but it's It's magical what happens if you force yourself to look for the good stuff. I mean if you say even today i'm gonna look for five men or you're looking for women. Whoever it might be who look like the kind of person that i am. I want in my life looking for kind attentive. Intelligent all that respectful. If you seek it out you will find five of those people you know. Even if it's somebody walking their dog on the road who moves out of the way or says load here you will find them if you make the choice to look for them so then you know some people say that's great i can sort of change my mindset but my love life is out of my control i can control everything else in my life except for my love life. What would you say to them. I would say that's funny. I thought that too. I absolutely thought that too. Because that's relying on another person. I have nothing to do with that. Right with benny started. Thinking would hang on a minute. The other parts of my life are relying on other people to write my work. Life completely relies on other people. It relies on a boss hiring me or a client paying me You know getting a car relies on. Somebody's selling the me being available for the appointment. Everything that i'm doing in my life renting an apartment or a house.

00:15:05 - 00:20:01

I need the landlord to approve my application. All of those things rely on other people as well and in that way. I thought well dating really. Isn't that different. You know it's it's how i come to it and what i bring to it. That is just as important as what the other person is doing as a response. Let's go deeper into this because some dating advice you bring isn't just as simple as being optimistic in fact some of the dating advice in your book ghost sort of against the traditional advice we always here so let's just go through one by one and dig deeper one. Is you believe in being picky. We say this time. He's so picky minded. You never know you only know what you know. So don't have a tight but you're saying be picky when it when it comes to selecting your partner explore yes well essentially you know the thought of being open minded is where all those. Just's come in right that that sometimes people by by not being picky. They just want the guy to call me back. And i'm saying no you don you want it all because if you start getting excited about the person for a grander set of reasons you know if you want the person you're attracted to and laugh with and are inspired by anfield ventures with you get more excited by it right you get more excited by the concept of a relationship that has it all and that energy that you create by wanting even greater relationship is going to put you into the world as more excited happy attractive person and your partner is more likely to see you walking down the street and site who is that. And what does she have. And how can i be a part of that. So what you're saying here is not so much being picky superficially like i have to have someone over six feet and make this much money but it's more about having standards and values what you're looking for in a partner and making sure that you don't. You're not lenient those standards right. That's an excellent way to put it. It's the standards not necessarily the physical attributes. I sort of say in the book like you're allowed to be picky about the desert you order. That's ten minute commitment or the shoes you by which is maybe a six month commitment. Betting on how good the shoes are so of course for goodness sake. Shouldn't you be picky about the fifty plus year relationship looking for it's true because it's like this. Is your life like just like checking the box to get married or something like this. You're with and then you also say don't make dating a priority. I love long. We always say you know if you wanna meet someone you gotta make it a priority. It's almost like a second job. Get yourself out there using do that. Why well even just hearing you say. Make it like a job like we're making something that you want. That is joyful feel like job so my thinking was that one thing that i noticed that was happening in my dating life was that i responded to every invitation based on. Who is going to be there. Who's gonna be there. Do you wanna come to dinner. We're having a dinner party. Well who's gonna be there if it was just some couples who are already together and to single girlfriends. I think i don't know i. I wanna go to this party instead. Where more likely to meet somebody. And so i kept turning away from the things that brought me joy in my life which is my good friends and going to the theater and going to see live music and taking cooking classes. The things that brought me joy. I was saying no to because i thought i'm not going to meet a guy that way so i started doing things that i didn't necessarily want to do in the hopes of meeting a guy but then of course what happens is if i'm doing the things i didn't really wanna do. I wasn't in the highest energy in the best spirit in the best vibe going to a party but not with like pure joy i was going to party purely to scope out where the cube guys weren't i can totally relate i that i think there's a reason like singles events get a bad breath because there's like this feeling like being forced that you're almost going there which is like you're saying you're not coming from a good place when you feel like that's the energy that's being brought in know the minute you put it into a a math equation. Get a date good night. Don't get a date bad night. You know you're you're setting yourself up to be disappointed again and again you know. We always hear from people when we ask. What kind of energy are you most attracted to and people will always say you know if i'm in a room a most attracted to the person who looks like they're having the most fun gap who are enjoying themselves. They're not looking for the person who looks like they're on the prowl. You said it in the book too. But i've totally relate to this this notion of the grubby glow. He and. I definitely have experienced this multiple times. I think any relationship in. It's been when i have not been dressed up any time that you spent hours and hours getting ready.

00:20:01 - 00:25:02

It feels like forced when you go out and usually yes. No one yes yes. It's always. I had a friend told me. Don't ever buy a new outfit for a date because suddenly you're out there your new outfit and you're thinking about how the outfit looks on you and how you're walking in it and is it riding up and you're thinking about that instead of wwe experience that you're having and so the grubby glow is something that i thought my. Gosh sloughing right when your home and your friend says come out. We're having a great time and you say oh you kidding. I'm in my sweat. My tears ponytail. I look ridiculous and she says who cares. Were just having fun and you say oh what the heck okay and that low that you have by not putting yourself together in just going for the experience itself is of course what ends up attracting other people going. Who's that girl. She's such a happy mood and she's not even simon trying that hard. So yeah it's it's it's magic. What happens in so many have always enter we you so many couples on our podcast and we always ask what was the first thing you notice about him or her and they always respond with the energy he or she was putting off like she just looked so happy or he had the smile on his face. It was never like oh. She was wearing this tight dress or he. Was this really nice shirt. I'm about that yeah. It's about inner totally. Yeah isn't it funny. That people always say like when you're in a relationship that's when you start attracting the most of it right. It's don't hear your dressing in. Don't care i mean. I totally agree with you. One hundred percent on this. Because i feel like any time i've met someone that's been unexpected. It's been because. I'm just having a good time in in a good place. Something that's making me. Feel good but the flip side that i would love to get your thoughts on. It's like you also. Let's say you just like enjoy staying home watching netflix. Nobody's gonna show up word ordered uber. So how am i get balance like getting out there and doing stuff and meeting new people without having it be so expectation heavy. It's time to take a quick break so we can tell you about the latest service. We have been building over at dateable. We'll be offering a platform to connect you with vetted dating experts from our network to help with everything from profile reviews. Coaching to see where you're getting stuck in dating and even ways to get real feedback about your dating style. The sessions typically run from thirty minutes to an hour and can all be done via skype or google hangouts. So you can be anywhere. We're so excited about this. Because so many of you wrote an asking how you can find people to help up dating game and this should be a great way to get personalised affordable advice will be adding more coaches and more services. And of course let us know. There's something specific you like to see to meet the coaches and book your session today. Visit dateable podcast dot com slash coaching. Now back to the show. So how am. I can't allen's like getting out there and doing stuff and meeting new people without having it be so expectation heavy right. It's a great question because that is the case. A lot right like all i wanna do is sit home and binge whatever show the marvelous mrs maisel And what's the guy in that right so my thinking on that. Is you go with your gut which is true as to you do. What's making you happy. And if for one straight week doing what makes you. Happy is sitting home and binging this tv show than by goodness sake. You do it right but chances are that after a week of binging a tv show and staying home every night. Your your spirit is going to be ready to go out and meet some people or go out and have a cocktail or go out for dinner and then you follow that that train to go out like i had a friend of mine who wanted to stay home one night. She decided that she wanted to bake of some kind of muffin. Low for something She thought you know what. I'm not going to be a guy this way. But what i really wanna do tonight is skipped this party. Go make this disparate love. So she went to. The grocery store bought the ingredients and while she was online talking to the cashier there was a guy behind her They didn't really even talk funny enough that night but when she got home and was making her loaf. She got a ding on her Tinder match or whatever it was that she was on and it was a guy who said did i just see you in the grocery store and because she had bright red hair and she just had this dynamic smile and she was so happy about making her bread that she was great mode. They ain't going to date. They're now married with a child at a guy by sensually deciding to stay home and bake some french. Well i love. I i totally agree. I think if you're forcing yourself to go out and you're not happy. You are not going to meet anyone because your facial expressions.

00:25:02 - 00:30:18

You're just energy is not there. So i do agree with you. On that part it makes so much sense but there is a balance here right. There is something to be said about being comfortable. And doing what makes you happy but also as a certain points in your life you got to push yourself a little bit out of your comfort zone. Take on those challenges. Say how. I'm not totally convinced of this event but i think i should just push myself and go anyway right right an absolutely on that. Whatever the phrase they sort of say like if you don't change anything nothing's gonna change so of course if you find yourself that you're in a rut and you know you think you could use a good dose of pushing yourself a little bit one thousand percent Doing that will help a new frame of mind. And one thing that i feel really helped me was kind of pushing myself to go out in In a few times that maybe i. I wasn't totally up for it. In the moment was the idea of kind of seeing a room as more of just an open experience rather than the math equation of must meet guy must get date Or the nights a failure and like one of the things which was really changed. A lot for me was thinking about what kind of guy i wanted and changing my list which ended up changing my nights when i went out on these to these events. So for instance. It's it's healthy to make a list of intentions to kind of set goals for yourself for what you're looking for and i'm totally down with it. I think it's a fabulous idea. But i think when it comes to dating the most helpful thing to do is to change your list from what you want in a partner. Chew what you want in a relationship So when i talk about being picky once again it's not that i'm saying Oh i want a guy who is six tall and who's funny because it's not that you want a guy who's sixty tall. It's that you want a relationship in which you feel either attracted to your partner. Maybe height is a major attractive or a relationship in which you feel like you're more female to his male energy Whatever it is you know. You protected You know what it's not that you want a guy who's funny. It's that you want a relationship which you laugh and so by changing my list in this way and instead of talking about the physical attributes of a guy talking about the feelings that i wanted in a relationship. It suddenly opened up every room to more possibilities than i'd ever experienced so rather than walking into a room and saying okay. There's three guys with dark brown hair. Who around is that. I like which i used to do. I suddenly looked around the room and thought okay. Short guy tall guy. Red hair no hair. You know different weights different ethnicities all of it. They all became possibilities. Because now my list was about how i was gonna feel when was with them so it gave me the chance to think all right well. Let me talk to everybody and see how i feel. When i'm with them and of course again and again i would be surprised by the fact that the guy who was maybe a little shorter or a little different looking than what i was used to was the guy who actually made me feel like what i was looking for. Which was you know inspired or challenged or laughing or attracted And so that really helped me. When i would go out when i was not necessarily feeling it sometimes That's what i would do would change the framing of it. That's so powerful to say because when we say when we make a list of things we're looking for in a partner it becomes pitting me against them it becomes What what is it that they're bring to the table and also is them against each other. So i think about like if you're going back to baking a cake or something it's like instead of going out there trying to find the best milk to maybe it's about finding the different ingredients. That could make your cake. The best human milk. Maybe it's like put bananas in my cake. Because i don't wanna use butter so it's about the end result and it's that relationship that's very powerful to think about. I think there's also something different about taking a break to reset like you use that net flicks example. If you really feel like you do that for a week do it and feel better versa. Giving up and i think that's where like you can co. you can get really comfortable and just not really put yourself out there. So i do think there is like that conscious difference that we should pay attention to also so speaking of Thing home watching tv. What is the sex in the city syndrome The sex and the city syndrome essentially what it is is. It's something that kind of hits modern women where we think you know. I don't need a man i can do. Just fine on my own and that is true right so the thinking is that when we look at the women on sex in the city we we see them kicking ass and not needing a man and trying to have sex like a man and not really needing to You feel like they're stuck.

00:30:18 - 00:35:19

You know that they can have a one night stand just like a guy and charlotte on the show of course was always the one who was the romantic and really thought that love was possible and that you could be a strong woman and still have love. And she's the one always got the i rolls from the characters on the a lot and so the thinking was was that it is a woman saying that she needs a man is okay because it's not that you need a man to survive which we know that we don't it's that you want a man to have a relationship with which is part of our lives. As part of a natural human desire is to have connection with another person so just because women are now in the workforce and equal to man and feel like they can do everything on their own. It doesn't mean that the pendulum has to swing so far to one side that men get kicked to the curb. It's possible that we can sort of swing the pendulum back and see it. As the fact that we are strong women who don't need guys or partners but that wanting one is just as healthy and it's okay. We can be strong smart women with a big career and kicking ass in the city and still want a partner to have a relationship with that. Goes back that actually goes into this. Next piece of vice. You saying your book which is like we say these things to protect ourselves like. Oh it's okay. If you don't call me back. I didn't care about him anyway or I'm not really looking for something serious. It's okay that she didn't want this relationship or whatever we say these things but we don't actually mean it so if we are celebrating single hood yeah like there is a point where you say. I'm happy being single. I love the freedom but it's okay to also say also looking for a relationship but a lot of times people don't want to be that like poor pathetic single person and i think that's probably the positive of modern era that that isn't necessarily the way people view people. Sometimes you might like overcompensate and say like on a night on the town. I love being. Single is the best possible and then coming home in like feeling that loneliness. How do you balance that. Because it's like on one side. That's really great that you are not just like you're enjoying your life right not crew victim but then also it's conflicting because you're putting out to the universe and even friends and signals your content being single and you like it and they may not think to introduce you to a friend or i just might not come for you because that's not the energy you're putting out. How would you advise people to balance those. Yeah well i think the way you just expressed it you know you have a night where you're having the best time when you go. You know what. I love being single and then you go home and you feel a little lonely. That's human a thousand percent natural and totally. Okay what i find is that an issue comes up when you go out every day and say i love being single. I love being single. I'll being single's the best. They've got him single. If you're looking for a relationship and you find that you're constantly talking about how much you love being single. That's where you start looking at it and say here a matt. What is the message. That i'm putting out there not to the universe and like you're saying to friends of yours to co workers who would think. Oh i have a really great person. I would want to set my friend up with cash. All she talks about how happy she is being single When it's when it's a balance between a natural back and forth you know i. I'm having a nice time being single. Actually i'm a little lonely being single totally normal but when you find yourself with the same message over and over again it's really a case of listening to yourself while you're talking. What are you saying again and again. Look at the message you're sending so is it. I love being single or is it miserable being single either way. You're putting matt single message out into the energy around you out to the people who are listening to you out in a guy who might truly standing behind you and hearing you say this your friends and think oh too bad i would. Otherwise baby asked her out but she seems so happy. And we'll right. Well i mean we see this all the time like especially with social media like the perception people are out there like there's definitely that side of people that are just loving the single life but i think it also is a good time to reflect yourself so you are always saying that maybe you do the single life binding a relationship might not be as big a priority as you feel like it is because it just society in general Well in fact. I've had quite a number of friends who have talked abou how they're single on. They're looking for relationship and they'll say but i'm not really sure because this is the first time i've been alone and i'm starting to travel and my book will come up and i'll say then don't read the book you know if you're in because really if you're in his own field that you're learning from life and you're having new experiences and having new adventures if you're not in the place that you feel like okay.

00:35:19 - 00:40:00

This is. I'm ready to settle down a bit to really focus my energy on one other person. Then don't force yourself you know there's nobody said there's a law that you have to be in a relationship to be happy my goodness it's so true So yeah i always tell people you know if they start if you start reading meeting your half orange and kind of feel like i don't know i don't think i'm ready for this. Put the book down. It's not for you. it's not right all right. Let's go onto some takeaways because we talked about some of your non traditional dating advice. But i think it's still consistent with what we're hearing it's just a different way of framing it and i liked that because focusing on your happiness and becoming the person that you want to be without thinking that someone else is going to get you. There is sort of like step number one that i can get there myself. I can be the happiest. I can be without someone and when i am the happiest i can be. That's what attracts other people. Totally stac lii in that. Exactly i would say that the essence of this entire book really which is just a reminder over and over again to flip the math on happiness in relationships. Because i know that when i was dating i thought i just wanna get an relationship and then i can be happy and i just. It was the dawn of understanding that. If i'm just happy. I a. I'll be happy and i can skip the relationship part. Want you but if anything being happy is what's going to attract the right relationship because that's where the right partners come to you when you're in your zone that's when people look at you and go. Hey look at her like she's got this funny vibe. She's you know she's not even bothered to dress up for this party. She just here to kick back and have a good time with everyone. That's going to attract the person who's most like us you want to get in your good zone and then you're you have the better fish to choose from. I mean i think the takeaway is like i love this notion of not getting your hopes up like that you brought up like it's like stop pretending you don't want things to save face in just put out what you're looking for because you never know said if you're if you're talking about or complaining about being single and there's someone eligible right behind you like there. You're going to miss that opportunity. But if you're just like saying what you y you'll find other people want the same thing. Yeah totally the language. If anything i think is the most important takeaway from what my experience was. And what i've heard from other people because language you know the way you say things becomes your tone in your body language at all follows what you're saying so if you find yourself really constantly talking about how it's probably going to be a terrible date anyway. It probably won't work out. I shouldn't get excited about it. What's the point guys. Suck anyway. This city stephanie. Anybody right like you just piling on all this weight and a negatively and anna just heaviness to something that could be an open opportunity. You know so. It's really just as much as you can thinking about. What do you want. what are you hopeful for. And if your heart gets broken that happens that's human. That's gonna make you even more lovable more understanding more empathetic as a human being and and those experiences are going to help you towards your next relationship so yeah it's it's crushing if a date doesn't workout a relationship doesn't work out but it's crazy to try to protect ourselves from that in advance and say i didn't care anyway because you're still going home and you know trying it out in it cocteau with your friends. You know you'll still be disappointed. Getting our hopes up getting excited about what you want. Because that's what's going to lead you out into the world with your shoulders back in your arms open and hopefully more of a smile on your face than that. You'll see more like you said more you'll see more red cars you'll see more carrying is like this one of positivity and then also addressing that it might not always be positive like you might be upset like actual to be disappointed if a date doesn't work out but i think it's how you bounce back from it like if you're just like oh never gonna date again after that or all men are like this or all women are like this if you just like say well yet disappointing. I was hoping this would lead somewhere in a did didn't but it just wasn't the right fit. That's very different than that other nasty. And i also got better at the time in the minute. I noticed that a date wasn't working out. You know i would go on my internet date. And i'd show up and it was like oh man you know. He's just not at all what i thought he looked like. And you know my insides would sink. I used to think.

00:40:01 - 00:45:03

Oh what a waste of time. Can't wait to get out of here. And i turned that into well. Guess what. I've signed on for an hour here. Maybe i'll feel differently. When i talked to him and if i don't feel attracted to him maybe i'll find a friend in s. Maybe i'll learn something you know. I remember one of my dates like the guy had like a really interesting job. Moving artwork from different buildings to another and all the work that was involved in all this million dollar artwork and just found it fascinating and thought well let me just learn about this. You find out what kind of interesting people are on the world or find out what good restaurants they know about her. What places to go on vacation you know just trying to find. Yeah yeah it's all about just getting people it's not trying to evaluate them to be a life partner right exactly is this is a good time to bring up. Our question of the day comes onkar. He says i really admire people who are optimistic. But it's just not in my nature to be that way. I wasn't raised that way. And i'm just not sure how to even think more positively. Is it possible to become more optimistic. What are some tactics or exercises and feel like this is a pretty question for you. Amy oh my gosh. It's great question and also keeping in mind. I do realize i was raised. I i do believe nature and nurture involved in optimus optimism and a lot of studies back not up so for a lot of people. They don't have possibly you know those little extra special happy smiling jeans and also they may not have been nurtured with that type of thinking so it is a practice that you do need to work on But the good news is absolutely you can work on it and you can change your thinking. So some of the tactics that i would say. First of all is checking language which we've talked a lot about and learning to flip it One of the best things that i do to flip Kind of a negative thought in my mind to a positive one is all think at least. I'm not dot dot dot. You know so. If i'm on a date and it's going terribly i'll think well at least i'm not on a date. It's freezing cold or at least i'm not with a sociopath who's trying to kill me Whatever the worse case scenarios you just lift it to just even one notch above what it was before and you sort of get better at finding a brighter side of it and the other thing is body language Which we haven't talked about smiling. It seems obvious but It really does she left. And this is based on scientific studies shifts. How you're thinking goes like you're the same way that you know feeling certain way can make your body language react. So if you're feeling depressed you'll find yourself with hunched over shoulders and possibly prying down you can reverse that by changing your body language. You can actually affect your thinking in that same way so by changing your body language putting your shoulders back opening your arms and smiling forcing yourself to smile. There's a famous moll called additional smile where it actually activates all these all these facial muscles. It makes your mind. Think oh this. Human must be happy because all of these nerve endings are being activated by the smile So forcing yourself to smile. I would do it. Sometimes before i walked into a party it would force myself to smile for ten seconds or some crazy amount of time and i would think i say this is so annoying. Listen so look for. I look insane but by doing it. It's there's your body doesn't almost doesn't know better. You know thinks that your in a good mood and it's not sure why but it has done that before it's definitely can be game changer. Yeah you gotta trick your brain sometimes. Yeah so gratitude. Language smiles or my best tips on that. I loved to one of the things in your book that you talked about was like visualization of like what you saw of a per- like the partner that would be your half orange chocolate more about that. Yes and and this is. This was a big one too Because essentially what the whole concept of dating optima Optimism is about is about making you feel what you want and so anything that you can do to activate your feelings as opposed to just kind of your logical mind you. We want to get like your gut inside smiling Visualization was one of those things that really helps and by that i mean certainly dream boards or vision boards which a lot of people do and i do recommend doing them kind of putting pictures up that you can look at of what kind of relationship you want you know. Maybe it's free or adventurous or Exciting and in addition to that kind of visualizing moments that you want to have with your other half and sort of pitching yourself there really closing your eyes and imagining what your happy place in life.

00:45:03 - 00:50:03

Where where's one of the places that you go. That always makes you happy and for me. It was a beach in montauk new york And i would picture myself. You know every time. I met ditch plans beach and so happy the oceans going. The surfers are on the waves birds. Flying and i would think i'm going to picture myself here with my half orange and we're holding hands and he's gonna love this places much as i do and it's gonna make me feel calm and complete to have us all here together and our picture that again and again and eventually ended up meeting my husband and we now go to ditch plane speech together and hold hands and look at the ocean. I can't believe i made this happen But doing that thinking about polices that you wanna be with your partner. Picturing yourself on a bench overlooking la like in five hundred as of summer. Were picturing yourself. You know in in the streets of some city in the streets of paris with them wherever wherever you want to be. Or even you know in your own bed snuggling up with some coffee And maybe both be reading a good book picturing that really getting the feeling of what that would be like is kinda. Gets those feelings going for you so that you can kind of draw that into your world you know you you and your to some sort of that manifestation. Some people don't really have some people have a hard time with imagination. I used to be that way. But what i found really useful is using smells that. Bring up the reese from before like my childhood memories of happiness. Obviously so i have this one bottle of perfume that reminds me of this this one time in high school when i was extremely happy about something really stupid but i just remember feeling being in that moment so i kinda smell as a way to bring up some of those great memories. Music's good one. Yes also what i like. I think you mentioned the senior book too but like looking at other men or women in your life that you admire even if it's not like a romantic possibility route jealous of your friend. That has a great relationship. Reframing it of like what are the things that i admire about this relationship and how can i bring that energy to mind such a different mindset than just being like. I can't believe she got that guy passing which we do all the time and it's totally natural and human to to get jealous or envious and wanted smack. The people who have everything seemed to have everything. So instead it's flipping that and saying you know what i think. It's really cool. That she has a relationship that she and her partner texts cute little gifts to each other all day long or he checks in with her before he heads out. You know or i love that. This couple has cute codenames for each other or he calls her baby all the time. I want that now so really instead of when you feel envy flip at you know flip all ended. The thing is that you like an ugly feeling inside and try to flip it to. How can i see this in a good way. That makes me feel happy to see it. Officially becomes proof that these relationships exists. And that means you can have it for yourself. That's great this is a little bit easier said than done. Because i've i've gone through this process. And i think baby steps for those of you who are. Who don't you naturally reverse it to. Positively is first steps to validate your feelings. The first step for me was to say okay. I'm feeling a little upset. I'm feeling negative. And it's okay for me to feel this way but at least like knowledge it and the next step is safe. How can i feel more positive in the situation. So at least those aren't the baby steps to say to someone that you have to be happy all the time relationship. That is terrible advice. And that's not what i'm saying at all your human were all human and feelings go up down and sideways. Yes so but like what you're saying it's really all about acknowledging what you're feeling and trying to figure out how to flip it in the way that you can more often focus on the positive things that will attract more positive things in knob ending yourself up if you are feeling like it's so normal any fact being negative. Sometimes it turns hilarious. We've seen bridget. Jones's diary thousand listening to like i. You know sad songs and eating ice cream and those are the moments that eventually make you appreciate having a relationship thinking back like gosh. I'm in such a low place right now. I i remember watching saved by the bell. And seeing mr belding like the school principal within a relationship he had like a girlfriend or wife and i thought oh my god. Mr building has left our car myself going. What is wrong with you and that made me laugh and that okay. I'm officially pathetic. But i know i'm not the only pathetic person on earth doing this right now. There's other people eating ice cream right now and crying. There's also people listening who are like under twenty eight. Were thinking who the hell is you just guest of watching saved by the bell at least once.

00:50:03 - 00:55:01

It's still a class that's a takeaway catch up my takeaways from that any other takeaways. I mean i think yeah. I think all of this is amazing. I guess my last thing. I'd love to hear how you felt. When you met your husband how did you know that he was your half orange. Ooh i felt giddy and then he and nervous when my husband The funny part of it is is that i actually knew him from grade school as it turned out and we dated for a summer in college so i knew of him but when i finally ran into him i mean a decade plus i had last seen an and realize that he was single and i was single and talking to him just it just gave me butterflies and made me smile and laugh and and i just i was attracted to him and i wanted to spend more time with him and i thought wow i can't believe i'm feeling about a kid who i remember seeing is like to to grade younger me and school so i always thought of as little gusts from school and i thought i can't date little gusts that i normally would have discounted him immediately and thought no no no no. I can't which is what happened in college. I thought i can't. I can't But when i ran into him Those two years ago. And i felt i couldn't designed deny how i was feeling in the moment which was excited and giddy and appreciated and smart and all the good stuff. I felt like i felt like had met a good match for myself. I wanted to see where we go. Yeah probably so much was the energy that you had. Yeah yes knows what would have happened if you are still in that super negative download dating. Yeah there's no way you can feel giddy. Negative at the same time was like those two can't go together well and the great irony was is the night that i met my husband. I was invited to a big birthday party on the roof of a building in williamsburg brooklyn. That was going to be all the rage and ted tons of guys but at the same time. My mother had invited me home for the weekend with my sister for mother's day. And i thought you know what i bet. That party is going to be great. But i my mom needs me. I i want to be surrounded by love this weekend. I'm gonna do what i really want to do. Which is to show my mom. How much care and go home with her and garden and putter around the house and then she invited us to a movie that she wanted to go to anti was at the movie that my husband actually had made the film at the movie i ran into him and thought i cannot believe i just met the love of my life hanging out with my mom that you never know anywhere. It doesn't have to be like the fleeces you stereotypically think you're going to someone. Yeah i just. I was feeling good. I was on point. I was doing what i wanted to do. I'm sure i was not dressed for the occasion. I'm sure i don't remember when i was wearing but it was not fancy. I assure you dozen awesome great conversation. This is awesome. So amy if people want to read your book they can go on amazon and find that covers updated orange. Cute little orange on it. Yeah and then hopefully ready for the book or not that maybe a little bit of dating dating optimism for now in the meantime and then they can go on your website. The life optimus dot com and follow you on twitter at dating optimist anywhere else. They can stock. You can stop grand. My actual website. Amy spencer dot com. They can find all the new things that i'm working on and information about my other books and some happy videos to go with my books awesome fabulous great listeners at home. It's all about dating optimism. It doesn't mean that you just you become optimistic overnight. It doesn't happen overnight but it's a muscle you can work and the more you work at it the better you'll get all right we're going to wrap this upstate dateable. Your action item for this week is to practice dating positively instead of focusing on things that didn't work out. Why not think about the qualities that you liked the qualities that attracted you to the people that you dated and then asked the universe for more of that. This episode of dateable is brought to you by five hundred brunches. Five hundred branches connects like minded people with similar interest to meet in real life brunch. You answer a questionnaire about your interest and how you spend your time. And then they'll match you in small groups of sixty eight at a brunch spot in san francisco get a free entry into a brench now by signing up at five hundred brunches dot com and using the code date able. If you didn't know already we have a revamped fight. With articles videos and content all about modern dating you can also find our premium y series where we dissect analyze and offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums. We've had some great feedback.

00:55:01 - 00:55:38

About how actionable these episodes are so. Check them out on our website or itunes music also visit the site today to see the latest about coaching where we connect you with. Dateable approved experts to help with everything from dating profile reviews coaching and even gathering real feedback about your dating style in a personalized and affordable way to connect with us visit dateable. Podcast dot com. You can also find us on facebook twitter and instagram. All under dateable podcasts. Don't forget to subscribe an auto download the podcast on itunes. Or your favorite podcast player. So you never miss an episode.