S612 Romance ISNT Dead

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The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world.

This episode of dateable is brought to you by five hundred brunches. Five hundred branches connects like minded people with similar interests to meet in real life over brunch. You answer a questionnaire about your interest and how you spend your time. And then they'll match you. In small groups of sixty eight at a brunch spot. In san francisco get a free entry into a brench now by signing up at five hundred brunches dot com and using the code date able. Hey everyone welcome to another episode of dateable a show all about modern dating. Guess what guys romance is not dead and our two guests in studio today are here to prove that. Got ryan jakara high guy. We're seeing very close to each other so it's almost like we're having a pow a very romantic. The five of us here. Brian jakhar also known as team. Bj love that. They live in san francisco. Brian thirty three years old two cars twenty nine years old now. Brian is from bay area. Were away for a little bit. But now you're back and jakarta you're from hawaii originally and you've been in san francisco for three years and they are. I would saying recently engaged. It's all relative right but you're still Yeah recently engaged. Joe congratulations roosting. So the way we found out about your engagement was through our friend. Sasha who does dating in the dark. She's one of our coaches if anybody wants a coaching session with sasha definitely goner website but Our mutual friend. Sasha said you guys have to check out this very elaborate engagement video proposal video. She's it to us and julia. And i were just floored because on our podcast we talk about room romance quite a bit and the question is always like is romance. Dead as romance even necessary You know it's a proposal just something that you just like logistics. You just do a to to get to the marriage part but you guys prove that there is still something to be said about having an elaborate proposal. That means a lot to both of you and getting involved. What eighty of your closest friends and family Eighty eight zero like a mini wedding. Yes so before we get to the proposal. I want to hear a little background story about you. Guys how did you meet. And so we met through a mutual friend. Her name is joyce we were best friends with her from different stages of our lives and we just happened to be invited by her to the same bakery in china town about two and a half years ago sunday afternoon. No expectations no note. No thought of meeting someone so she was setting you guys up or no. It wasn't it was just a breakfast between friends. Are you sure can take your long gone. Otherwise gotcha we do giver tons of crap. Yeah we we met because of her. She's a beautiful person. That brings people together and i feel like people bring people together. Don't get enough credit for the fact that they make things happen right away really close. Yeah yeah i mean the moma she literally in the pat blue moments. You walk through the door. I was just like wow. She seems amazing and and then she started talking and it was like. Oh my god. She's fascinating. I wanna talk to her forever. The thing that really hit me we got together just two days after meeting. Was this date. It was sweet. We called and ask brian so that he wanted to learn more about my job. Thought it was fascinating true. I did actually and we got together. Ostensibly for that reason but it quickly. We never ended up talking about my job at quickly ferry avalon. A really strong connection right off the bat. Yeah one thing. I like seeing is that courage is really important. I mean i'm sure a lot of people are watching your podcast. Because it's about modern dating and they're looking for success in relationships and dating and one thing. I think people undervalue people always like. How do i hack on. I did it do this. And there are things that are important to meeting people. By the most important ingredient. I think at the beginning of any relationships courage and i like to point out that jakara had so much courage at several points. I was really nervous during the instigate. And when i arrived how sick basically transforming resume at her. I never do that. It was very uncharacteristic of me. Because i was so nervous and i was so into her and i got into this defensive posture of i want to show her all.

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I have to offer rather than yourself. And i ronnie like while you were throwing all of your compliments at me. I was actually starting literally for my linked up to three artfully throwing and all these references and to be honest i started to out Just because it was obvious from talking to him and from the way that he carried himself that he was. I already knew he was an accomplished knitting intelligence kind person. I didn't know is really who he was. So about fifteen or twenty minutes. And i caught myself just kind of mentally checking out of that moment and didn't do that so i kind of stopped him and i forget what you were talking about but i basically asked you. It's really obvious you are really accomplished in smart hush passionate about a passionate about the good word you remember this date like the back of my hand. You know october Nineteenth two thousand fifteen around seven forty pm remember. I remember every state for two years before you proposed. Is that two years. Okay so what was going through your mind at this point with brian. Kind of giving us resume. You said you stopped him. Oh so i. I basically stopped him. And i said it's obvious you're passionate about whatever subject he was talking about but tell me. Why does it matter to you. Gentlemen generate question and generally wanted to know like i. He seemed fascinating. I just wanted to know what motivated all of these accomplishments all of this thought and inquiry and then it just got really personal and we start asking each other really deep questions about. Why does this matter to you. Why do you love this And suddenly it was like the world just shrank and it was just us two and it was like a spotlight on just. It was such an immediate deep connection. I found myself thinking and talking about things that i hadn't kind of introspectively thought about really long time. I felt like he really saw me. So when you guys went to the date were you like thinking like this is the one or after the were you guys. I talked about this. I think i was a little bit more. I was a little bit. Like i actually was with. Joyce grow brusque right before the date and i think i was quite excited because joyce was the first one who said she saw the tax measures we flirting. Joyce was like ambiguous data mike. I'm so cooled back into really liked this girl. I actually important because because jakarta's policy and a major tech company and i was joking about having to learn their porn policy like oh. Am taking the shuttle down to south bay. Having like we'll get part in the morning then immediately talking about unorthodox like things so what was your dating life like before meeting each other and what kind of mental state were you in So i the waiting is we both. Were at a place where we both want to be single for. While i was using older cars and plan single and actually the second point of courage they really want because they just really want to say positive things about my fiance and i think that this has to be because i think this is really inspirational for your listeners. To the second point of courage was because she did get a six year relationship Just about six months before we met and was his long distance and and so the craziest part the ambiguous date where she was like only get real. Which usually what. I do my conversations. I always like let's get real. And like i was so so scared that she had to put me there. I wanna to be there and that made the first bridge. The second courage was Dethrone great happy. And then she's like. I really want slows down and i always concept okay. I'm gonna her set the pacing her figure out what how often we're gonna date with. I'm out of this big relationship. And then one day everything was going perfect and she sat me down and portrait hillslope coffee shop. She's like so. I only know that. Know i'm gonna be ready. Okay and i was like that's totally cool. And then she gave him this long speech hour and a half two hours about how she so torture but she really likes me and she thinks i'm great by that. She's just not sure she'll be ready. And i'm like is that meant it guys. Pay attention to this. Don't respond with fear when a girl says i said to her i always lawns. It takes And if that changes. I'll let you know if i get to the point where i feel like i wonder what you know. But i'm i'm i'm gonna be patient. You're worth it and she matches. That floored me our connection in some ways scared me because it felt so right and i also instinctively knew that the moment that i committed exclusively to brian i essentially was committing to the fact that we would probably end up together forever.

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I just that it was that level of connection unintentionally. So i wanted to feel really ready to enter into that place of commitment so i think i was letting fear honestly motivate a lot of our early relationship kind of feeling st and worried about the meta question of already and what was so interesting. Was brian blew me away. With his response. It was so mature it was so self assured it was so clear that he knew exactly what he wanted. Not just from our relationship but out of life and that was incredibly attractive and just smoke so much swiss characters. Well isn't it interesting that we've heard these stories where people say. They're not ready. But it's part of some game that they're playing right. It's that i'm not ready. Because i don't want to be too easy for you to get in this situation. You were absolutely not ready and brian instead of you being like. Oh maybe she's playing a game. I need to try harder. You gave her space and said let me know when you are ready but posting is i. I think i was ready. I think i needed to feel control about the pace of relationship. And i needed to truly confront me. Fear and by. Brian giving me complete control of the ran's saying you do whatever you want. Just you know. I will be here. I'm not gonna date anyone else. I know i want to be with you until you tell me no brian. I'm not interested. Like i take all the time you want. He gave me full. Control the reins and once i had that sense of security. It became very obvious that you wanted to be with him. Yes it was so perfect. I actually called my friend about it the next day. She was so funny. I was telling releasing since. She's like girl like he's perfect for you like how is this after us. I met while you were have. There's actually there's a really funny story related to this. This was your question okay. Three months in three months where we already told chemistry. We knew each other. Everything obviously got along really well and everything was shooting right except for the fact that she was getting his relationship and she wanted more time. I was very conscious like. I want to let her set the pacing. So when i heard that though. And i think this is the thing that you're talking about game yeah. People do play games. And i would also say that the best decision i've ever made in this isn't car. Made me never send me made decisions. In retrospect we realized we both dead was that we both entered the game rather the experience with intentionally. Yeah i came in saying this is a special person I almost basically called off all my other dates. I basically it was like this is where my focus is. Yeah and and so almost as my wife which turns out but the thing is that comes in happened and the next day. She calls me around four pm. Text me can we talk. And i was like. Oh no like. I was like after our conversation. I'm ready mile like yeah. This is the most amazing women. The world is about to break up with weren't official as a great and then she's like i can jump on the phone i was like. Oh where are you headed. And she was like oh my buses dropping me off at washington square park and i was like oh my god. I'm in north beach. Total lie get it over alassane. I'm getting there in ten minutes. And the thing is i was in dog patch where i lived at the time. I didn't have time for newbury. I through my motorcycle helmet on optima recycle. Probably a few risks definitely broke some laws and got there in like thirteen minutes so she just happened to be in the navy. But like i was like i literally said to myself because i want experience emotionally everything that life has to offer and i was like i want experience break-up person that's how i wanted it and i really was committed to break up. We get together. We sit down to the benchmark. We still which park benches we just took after the engagement. We took our parents to this part of this. The official after taking dinner and a long story short is she his speech about like your amazing. This great you're so good for the part. And then and then and then she was done just stopped talking after she and then she said i'm in and i was like what i was so expecting. Yeah her to say but you know. I'm just not ready in any. I don't want you to wait for me. Something like that. And i was just like what is literally less than twenty four hours after that long and i think we both had courage. I had the courage to sail away forever. And she had the courage to realize that she didn't need me to and we became boyfriend girlfriend that day a day onto the hardest competition.

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We ever have you guys eat. Listen to josh's up earlier. One very similar so i wanna talk about this idea of control. I want go to go to your engagement with this idea of control for you came from a place of ability and sometimes we talk about control coming from a place of pride you know. I want control of this relationship. Because i'm not sure if you're right from yet i'm not sure this is the right thing for us but when you're talking about control coming from a place of i'm just not sure if i'm getting over this previous relationship i'm not completely secure in where i am right now. That's a vulnerable place to come from. And that's where that control comes from. And i want people to be listening to this and think about the way you start communicating with your partners even the beginning of a relationship when you're communicating your needs. Is it coming from a place of pride or is it coming from a place of vulnerability right. I really appreciate that. You share that story believe. Let's get to the engagement. Yeah i think for the engagement went. Did you guys know that. Each other was the Oh yes oh early so early before your date of where your first date basically once wet when i said i'm in high knew that I could just tell that Committing to him for an exclusive relationship. It it would lead down that pacha. Is it true that when you know you just know. I mean i've The connection that we've experienced is in some ways inexplicable. It feels unlike any other human connection. I've had with any other. Human being is still very rare and unique. I would say so. I'm relationship coaches. I mentioned tie actually worked to nova hundred couples on this question. And i would say that. Yes yes yes when you know you just now and there's another way of knowing which is the longer path and i think that people either find out that they're ready for that relationship to be a lifelong relationship. Someone else either. So obvious. And i think those are people who are end up being lucky. So congratulations you listeners. Out there who got that. You're out your lucky. Don't black jakarta i'd say. Don't look that lockdown. Don't question you know really if your heart says something. It doesn't matter if he doesn't make as much money as you were hoping something else if your heart says something really. That's what's really special about. Life is finding that connection but for other people they don't get that lucky and then it's a question of slowly being a little bit more practical methodical about that question and north work. I think both lead the same result which is a happy successful balanced positive relationship built on trust. But it's people like you who had these drawn connections earlier on in your relationship that make others questioned their own relationships. I remember my friend. We she met the guy. I introduce her to soon. As i met them separately. I was like they're going to get married and when they met she said to me she's like you ate. He literally scares me. Because i know as soon as i opened the door of romance this is it. There was like beer in her. And i like that kind of connection so strong that it does make other people question so when people are questioning their own relationships. Where would you say to them. Bryant what. I would say two things one is. I would give recommendations to the people who are scared of that. That was kirk comes in. You are so lucky. Police opened up your heart plea. People are not scared. A bob or tom or chelsea. Whoever they're they're falling in love with they're scared of the idea that they're committing to a lifelong path which honestly you can get into a home and ultimately in some ways of your death. It's the fact that we're all gonna die and once we decide on something that's lifelong it's kind of like. Oh this never will change. And that's a fundamentally fearful part of our evolutionary psychologists. I say fight that beer embrace the love that you clearly have now for your other people. I would also say And you're hearing it from people who really felt like they knew when they knew i would say don't let stories like ours intimidate. You don't let that happen because he really is rolling the dice. It's like forrest. Gump said it's a box of chocolates. You don't know what you're going to get. Life is confusing. Life is random. I locked how many people walk out but not everyone gets it that easy to work harder to find that connection and i just want to say it's worth it works. I worked my ass. My bunnell until i was when i met your car at the issue thirty and i kept on rolling the dice. I kept on throwing my courage out there on dating. Other people trying to find it methodically not giving up believing that belief that courage not getting discouraged by other people who seem to find it like that that courage reduced the trauma and the frustration and the other hard part of being dating person the modern world so that when it came to jakarta saying i'm not hurt.

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I of course. I have pain. We all have pain. That's internalized work through. But i don't have so much pain. Because i kept on being discouraged by other people. I kept having faith in positive courage in all these things that protected my soul and prepared my soul for when when i roll the dice and i actually go to the bright brunch with my friend. Joyce invites me to in the right person shows up. And i'm ready beside cursed out. And and sometimes kurtz not perfect but my recommendation to anyone listening. Choose the path courage. Choose the path where you say a can't get disheartened by how happy are engagement. Looks like a twenty thousand people or something. I've seen the video and a lot of people just like you know like oh my god like will ever find that and like if you open your heart to. Yeah but then okay. So here. I i love that. I love that encouragement and courage Altogether but what about. I can hear some people saying we'll brian. That's great. But what if i'm currently with someone i don't feel the connection that you guys feel. Should i wait for someone who i do. Have that connection with or should i try to make this current relationship flourish. Will you mentioned sasha. I'm relationship coach. Do i really do recommend that. You find release smart. Friend empathetic or find a relationship. Gaucher's many of them silicon valley and throughout the beer. So find someone. I really do recommend getting a third party perspective. And i'm not just saying it because my profession this is. Why do you make fresh to helps. Even if you have one two three sessions because it's so nuanced and complicated. And i say one last thing before we move on because julian i spoke about this yesterday. What about like when you get hung up on a previous connection you have with someone and like you start dating people after that person who just don't live up to that connection but due to you know real world issues issues and challenges. That previous relationship didn't work out. Whatever you're always holding onto that previous connections so i would say two things one is Don't think you're crazy. Because this is a natural byproduct of breaking a beautiful connection so you are in a place for a reason your brain is putting their it will be like that. While the second thing i would say is You said interesting. We'll always use the word always. And i will say as relation coach someone who's studied these things. The answer is no not always. There was always a path to moving on and one of the ways of moving on is having the courage to let go and embrace the new. And i twice true story twice in my life. I went through breakup that i thought it would never get better. Never have that beautiful connection again. And the connection i have with my current fiance. I would say five ten twenty times where it really feels like an infant times better than those relationships which is mind boggling. These how much pain went through those breakup but they were sending average person. I needed to be and that's why would say to someone in the situation. You described realize that this is part of healing process to strengthen yourself to get ready for. Something really could happen. If you're ready 'cause you might miss a few trains. Abbas on rally while them were ready. Because we're ready for that engagement story right so this elaborate proposal is started with you. Brian setting up a fake event with mustafa. Y'all know moustapha daybreak events. he's just as one of my best friends string so great with events so of course you're going to go to this event right and i totally believe the event was real and it weighs on page white party on valentine's say and bryant. You told your car that you guys were being interviewed on camera for the console. Yeah those cameras following around okay. Yes so this took you About six months to prepare. Actually we do. The numbers turns out. The first meeting was eight months ago. Okay yeah so what was going you jakhar. You're totally sold. On this event. you show up in all white. We saw in the video. At what point did you think wait. Is this really or what's happening here. You guys were in mendocino. Also a big basically until. Brian kind of gave me this. Look that made me think otherwise. So what we were doing was we. Were walking down the path The videographers were interviewing as if it were the chronicle asking for our consent to publish anything really good. You hire the right people. So i see a rock with our initials engraved on it. Be plus jay. And i can took took me by surprise and as like so funny. Did you do that and he was like. I did it earlier this morning. And this moment of that.

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That's so cute alive. Roseanne lightning party and then bryan gave me this look His eyes just got really big and he just kind of stared stared at me with this. Look like this is more this more. And i have an went when i saw that look i went into a state of shock and realize. Oh my god. This event that i thought was happening is that today's the day on my god. And then he put a blindfold on me and said follow me and then follow you to what these six gates right. These are six scales actually so just to give a little background real quick i did. I was where she found out. And the reason why. I was where she found out was because literally i mean people involved but i've probably message over four or five hundred people so real quick before it gets the gates. The basic architecture of the day was she arrived. She sees the be plus jetty. Then are the rainbow flags by tony. Tone of giant puppets. save the world And and she's up there and then we read letters to each other romantically. She grabs back inside. There's keys for each of the six gates before she gets the gates. We actually set up what we call the path lab which were messages on ten by ten inch canvas panels from people from every were wife now. The reason why i mentioned is because in order to get the message sure princeton. Professors your yale professors teachers of this. Your your your friends mentors Distant family relatives and made all these friendships with people in her life through the experiences. Kinda cool because i feel like i'm even more part of the family now Even though i haven't officially joined it quite yet and And so so. Here's what i'm like. I'm thinking like how does she not know. Scaled this too big right. Like i've spending eight months secretly. Planning this. Think messaging for every single person in cars like knew about this for her every single person and so the night before. I took her to a cabin in the woods. Favourite cabin because i was like a. She's want to relax before. It really can't take a nap rescue. I knew she had a big day. She didn't And and then she looked at me. These loving is the night before. And i was i literally inside. What okay overuse expletive fuck. She knows he's looking at these. Loving is she's leaving guys because we love no. I didn't even sleep that night. Because i was just like tossing and turning like six months hundreds of friends and then and then in the morning she she likes bay either. Commit to sleep in for like hours. I was like yes. He doesn't know. I have to deal with the situation of the whole cottage. Let her sleep coach character to the car. She slept on the drive to the beach so he gets much sleep as possible. Dropped her off at a at a massage. Place then coordinate. With ever i show up to the beach. Were only amazing amazing friends. I love you guys so much where there has already set. Almost everything up solves. Did it run through. While she was getting a mistake. God then i went back and picked her up. I wanna save the details of video for people to watch officers. I wanna quickly give a summary. There were six gates that you had built featuring mementos from six phases of her life with treasure boxes holding different mementos and then at gate six. You played a video with messages from jakarta's parents and your parents giving their blessings. Which is just. I don't know i don't even know that yet. I don't know is out and then the ring. okay. I just got a glimpse of cars ring. The ring is especially beautiful because it combined stones from both families and symbols from your hometowns of cinema county and hawaii and you went to extensive planning to custom make this rain which is a just a normal like an engagement. Ring this ring you you have to see it in person. It's a work of art right here and then we'll is more beautiful as that. Bring you propose than yours. That's when i used to cry at least two encore. I need to cry. You guys need to washes video. Because it's i can't do it. Justice to it in the link to it. I can't do it. Just it's almost like a short film so take some action. It's not sit in bed with a box of tissues right before going to slave and walks video and it's amazing because before meeting you guys you're amir strangers to me but i felt through video.

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I felt like i saw personal side of both of you that i felt connected to both like i almost felt like we were friends. After watching the video it was just so beautiful. I think there is something in the video that came up. The you guys always use. The words co captain equals partners teams. This is my marriage or your marriage our marriage. I love that. Like i guess. How did these terms describe your just like overall relationship in how you view each other. It's time to take a quick break so we can tell you about the latest service. We have been building over at dateable. We'll be offering a platform to connect you with vetted. Dating experts from our network to help with everything from dating profile reviews coaching to see where you're getting stuck in dating and even wasted get real feedback about your eating. The sessions typically run from thirty minutes to an hour and can all be done via skype or google hangouts. So you can be anywhere. Were so excited about this. Because so many of you wrote in asking how you can find people to help up your dating game and this should be a great way to get personalised affordable advice. We'll be adding more coaches and more services and of course let us know if there's something specific you like to see to meet the coaches and book your session. Today visit dateable podcasts dot com slash coaching. Now back to the show. How do these terms like describe your overall relationship and how you view each other. It's just our relationship we are. A team were Research funding his team. Bj started as a joke combining officer initials of our first names. No other meeting your friends love and then it just became. We started using Very seriously for a team or a team were co captains We're we're very different people. he's an extrovert. I'm an introvert. We have different skill sets. He's our he's a social organizer couple. we joke that i'm department of the interior and kind of the thank you more groundings. I couldn't even see that in our interaction like you. And i like brian. I primarily talked. Yeah i was like oh you got this clear needed responsible interesting. Thank you very compliment exactly. So we specialize logistically as as part of the team. But i also think in terms of emotions we are always on the same side the way the intentionally that we both approached our relationship we built such a bedrock of trust between us that now whenever we have a miscommunication or a challenge comes up. I have no doubt that. Brian has nothing. But the best intentions from your wants the best things for me There's always that trust there and so as a result like we are. We are on the same team. We're working for the same goals. And i think the the point that you propose like obviously bryant had planned this whole thing but you just like kind of this happened out of the blue. But you're like i want also propose that's so interesting to me bryant new. Brian knows me so well. And we've had so many conversations about both of our you know our feminist beliefs in our beliefs inequality that he. He knows me well enough that he knew that i would want to also proposed. Here's what's uncanny about in is kind of creepy. I'm sorry 'cause like so. I planned a bunch of things. She had no idea and when we were driving up to the cabin be passed windsor. Which is my hometown. County and jakarta was brian. One of these days we need to figure out who owns your childhood home and see if you can get a torque. Because i wanted. Because i've seen her childhood home honolulu. And here's what's so funny. She is not in the video. We had dinner between those two events. The video am. I shall at home to three months to get a hold of the guy who always it and then i had a vincent plead stranger. Have dinner in his home. How did you convince them. It was very nice on the phone. I it was crazy and so he's on the way. And i literally smirking. Yeah one of these days but how are we going to do that. And then we get to the cabin. This is two days before engagement. And she's like she pulls out some wine from outside deborah's that's the person who house the mansion party at the end where we should go. She was like she remembered. Debra stoves house gutted love to go back there some time and i'm like oh my god in the world and so here's the other thing too is. I knew that we do feminism to core of our relationship and so i didn't just custom design one ring accustomed to rings and what people don't know from the video is that this meteorite is the same meteorite on the back of a ring. These are the diamonds for my mom's engaging which are also engine cars ring and this gold it was forged the same night by the way is the blue blood moon knight that was in ten at the same time so these rings are looking increasingly linked and so i had made a second ring.

00:35:12 - 00:40:07

They knew that she would want to counter propose. And i knew that. If i do she okay with. It wasn't like explicit desire. She knew that she would freak out when she got opportunity. And the funny thing is two weeks before the engagement were meeting with someone else who just got engaged and and everyone was joking. Widely guys always get to engage. Engine cars like. I know right like i would love to and i was thinking thank god. There's documentary evidence that i've been planning counterproposal. Think i got it from that. Even planning counterproposal. That's amazing. I think the other part. That's interesting that you invited. Obviously your family either of your friends like what was it that for you. That wanted this engagement to be so big almost like a wedding. Yeah well the funny thing is we have in. This is where we allow vulnerable It was big. It was amazing. And i don't regret it but we just got back from basically spending retreat weekend in cinema county just her night. We did that last week. In two. we are exhausted. We really are. I didn't realize what emotional impact it would have on me and her and the community and so i'm grateful we did it by. Men a has been a lot and we've got a lot of love is love. He was on the video and and it's kind of like. Wow there's just so much emotion process some glad we did it. Big and threes grabbed. Big is the following one might higher. I'm romantic like no way. Ted measured described the head sara. No i actually have been dreaming of the day. I would get to ask him to marry me little. Did i know that because i grew up conservative and religious. No longer. i'm really either those little. They know that would actually organize a double proposal. So that my girlfriend could proposed me as well. But yeah. I've been dreaming that my whole life and i guess this is why i say is a lot of guys honestly common joke again especially when guys. Don't tell my girlfriend or you know like we gotta hide this video like we can't and actually feels a little patriarchal and kind of sexist to say that to be honest because it's like you know i. I chose to do this really big romantic thing. But i think we all should and it doesn't have to be setting up six gates on a beach and inviting eighty friends. We'd like people from seven countries and twelve cities. Come to zoo the lay thing. It was a whole thing. But you don't have to do that right and the thing is like i feel like if it gets to just be like. Hey maybe it could just do this. It doesn't take much like bring your girlfriend some roses or like once a month. Like how much does it cost like cook dinner. Do small things like people don't realize people especially alley so invested in startups so invested in the career. And i think that's awesome because that is really beautiful away. But it's amazing an eighty twenty rule about this. You can do twenty percent the work for eighty percent about. You don't have to do a six month planning proposal just put some intention and so for. I just didn't want to miss the opportunity. I could only ask a woman to marry me once. And i didn't want to miss an opportunity to not get everything in there. I wanted to honor her history. I want on her parents. Honor a community create an event that brought people together. And i decided all those and you don't have to do all of that but just be thoughtful because it's such a special thing so here so here's my question. Doubt it was a very public pulse and then you have this video. That's been seen by twenty thousand people you brought in four hundred five hundred people that you had been in contact with contact brother. Kara tells me that she's an introvert. So what what was it about this proposal that you thought okay. I think jakarta would really like this. public proposal. will the things that will say the things that people didn't see was the two days in the cabin the private dinner in my childhood home and then we actually took a trip around the world. Afterwards we went to new york qatar in taiwan and japan japan and that was just us And so people can any honeymoon. Makishi grab it but that's one that So i'm the proposal southwest private the from basically the the the fields love seeing all the canvases all the messages the gates even the proposal. It really was just us two. And i have to thank our zander for brian. The advice off the original corey right again to be involved. More people in in the initial kind of ceremony and zander told brian road.

00:40:07 - 00:45:01

I think she'd wanna have these moments you to a. He was totally right. And so the minute i started seeing people was right after we had proposed to each other and it was literally the minute that i wanted to see. People like after after we were engaged. Bright the first people that i wanted to see for my family and they were there and they magically they're taking your that would have tougher yearly great companies use. This thing is like you know people who are introverts The one of the big flaws of humans is that i'm guilty of this too is that we like to create people to monolithic. Oh you're an introvert. So you only only like your time alone. And like or you're you're it's on a spectrum thing i just really tried to be in tune which occurs needs. My favorite part was when she saw her parents. I knew was coming. She didn't yeah. Actually we talked about earlier. She saw the video. she's like. Oh that was like parents not going to see them for weeks of will flood of white. Tell them the news. And then there's four white blobs in the distance and that was that was the two favorite parts was one. When i got to look at her with those eyes and the white pieces of first time on the engagement was hard for me in part because i was like i have to keep the biggest thing in my life a secret from my best friend for six. Yes that was a so those finally. I finally get to show you why. I've been stress for two months. So awful in the second part was seeing the white blobs and like off in the distance and then like smiling and proposed. Because i know at any moment. She's like wait a second. Those four people wearing all white are they with and then she's like the action It's fantastic all that said. Let's go to take jervis has been just amazing for me. I i do think that romance is not dead. But i think romance has changed. A modern dating romance used to be very standardized back in the day you show up with roses. You show up with chocolate now. Romance comes in many forms. And i think it's what romance aware. It's very thoughtful is that it's tailored to your partner. You know your partner the best so romance is not just oh thinking about a dozen roses or all that it's what you think your partner with fine romantic and some. We talked to David cruz who was a matchmaker. A millionaire matchmaker and he says sometimes romance for me is leaving sticky notes where my partner all. That's really cute to say. I miss you. I love you. i'll see you tonight. You don't that's romance too. So we don't like your same brian. Romance doesn't have to be this extravagant eight month planning production with a camera crew and like eighty of your closest friends but ambi again repertoire. But if it doesn't need to be enrolled man's doesn't need to be dead but we also can't let me die. That's one thing if that's one thing people take away from this first of all the proposals important to me. These engaged to my best friend and it was a private experience. And that's why we took this retreat to process. This is a private and public experience. The public side of it which was unintentionally more public because of how he saw the video By if the if the one takeaway from that is that then. I'm glad it became public. If the one takeaway is. I don't have to do all this. But maybe i can just show my love in post it notes or whatever. It is and just kind of a little bit more intentional with way. Express my my partner then hallelujah. I'm glad you saw the video. I'm glad you read this solves podcasts. Or i'm glad you care enough to just do that. Because we need a world with more love and that's slow. Yeah and i think the second takeaway is you kept saying this brian. It's courage and to me what i'm taking away from. This courage aspect is that we're always in modern dating. We're always thinking about how the other person can make dating experience better or how the environment how the city can make our daily experience better and we don't take responsibility but the responsibility comes from From own courage to head when you're on a dating app if someone says hey to you and you don't like that it takes courage to reply back and say what you know like what's meaningful in your life open up that conversation as opposed to writing people off bathing. That's what courage is. It's not writing people off and knowing that you have the power to change your dating situation. Fistful to julie.

00:45:01 - 00:50:09

I think i've to takeaways as well bryan kept saying this intention. Yes the whole time. And i think just like having intention at all stages in trusting other people's attention having jakara said this as well as like i trust the heat is has the best intentions for me. He's not want to hurt for anyway. Yeah us in general. So i think like the times that was challenging. When maybe weren't fully on board as much as brian was but having those intentions in like staying true to it was really powerful other takeaways. Just like how much respected as half for each other and i love this like whole equality notion of like we're in this together. We are a team. And i'm not just going to be the one proposing because i'm the man but you are too because we are equal both want to give each other not just one sided. I expect this person to do all the stuff from me and save me i end there's another takeaway and you guys can't see not physically with us but just seeing their body language with each other and the way they look at each other you know. Sometimes you'd like mb couples because oh the boyfriend did this for her and the girlfriend did this for him and those are just actions by then the way i see you guys. I feel like this is what we should. He worked towards. Want to feel the way that you feel when jakarta looks at you you know. It's like that that love that admiration and respect and also it's like that encouragement when like you're speaking dicara. Brian's like cheering you on. Yeah thank you. I'm on exactly yeah. It's like it gives me encouragement. Because i'm like this is like we're on the same page year so i wish you guys could see that body language but that's also very important. We didn't what you're looking for an apartment touch about this this versus you. It's like there's so much of that going on in dating. Like oh i need one percent Gains because i don't want them to know i'm super invest in but that was like the big takeaways like the right person. You don't need a play games in your together honestly assignments with the right person. I think any and all human relationships jerry. It's okay to be vulnerable beach. Be be curious about other people. Try to find out their true selves and try to be as authentic to expressing yourself as possible in. Maybe it's not a match and that's okay. It's okay to be. Tit for tat. Like oh i like this person more than they liked me. It's like myself out. There and leashes are not about games. Sonic competition for power stage. It's it's seeking of connection. Go baby great point dead carbon beginning of our conversation when you when you said recalling back to your first ambiguous date when you said so what are these things mean to you and i. I want people to use this question more on dates because we go into that date talk. We haven't talked about previous episodes. You give off their your resume where everyone in. The city is trying to be more interesting than the other person. Okay so on these talks when you find like the other person's doing that you should stop them. Say so why do these things matter not you what does it mean to you and what other things drive you and those are great questions. Ask to get that connection. Even if it's not romantic at least a human connection like you said before we wrap this up to you guys have anything to add like any last minute words of wisdom. I mean you've provided some. They already but anything you want to leave our listeners. With we'll actually one thing is coming crazy Rebe maybe a bad idea but We love humans and f. We're always looking to expand their communities so anything about this. He lives in san francisco. Bay area you know. My legal name is brian gillis in jakarta motto facebook. My website is relationships unlocked. Relationships unlocked and we're on facebook and reactive and we'd love to get to know you guys because we really love beautiful people and there's a lot of people there and that's our mission is. That's why we did public engagement. We want to build a community of awesome human beings. And i think it's probably pretty clear from the kind of people you guys are in the listen to. Your progress are probably pretty awesome too. So that's amazing. I guess now. I think people really appreciate that. And you said that you don't throw events like professionally but you do from time. We do it. I don't do it for money. I mean bunny It's more just because we love to connect people and that's that and that's specked. Which car said as a final thought. I guess is we we try to Romantic partners ness distinct who we tried to approach our lives intentionally in every way as relationship together with our community with the way we live our lives the way we think thoughtfully but what it means to be alive in this world and in that word touch now that you pointed out julia yourself yeah really powerful word and i think that you can add in touch.

00:50:09 - 00:53:11

Now it's just by anything whether it be proposal or date or even just your profile on tinder or okay cupid and and that can never be a bad thing some fabulous good alright. Well you guys heard it if you like to be adopted by brian and but it's all human connections isn't that's also why julie i love when you guys reach out to us or stop us on the street because we feel like. That's what we need. More of these are things that technology in. Ai kid not replace so might as well hold onto these very valuable things. We can provide for each other with which is human connection. Alright so we love to hear from you. We're still booking guests for season seven now Definitely reach out to us and check out our website. Dateable podcasts dot com. Thank you guys for sharing your story. And we're going to link to your video course in brian site and the salad extra help on that note for goodness sake goodbye say aw so a theme that came up over and over again in this episode was his word courage so your action item for this week is to write out the word courage like literally right it out with a pen and paper and stick that onto somewhere that you see all the time may by your door or on your refrigerator do that for a week and see how that feeds into your daily decisions and your actions a lotta times. Fear is with stifling us from growing so have some courage and see how your life changes a week. This episode of dateable is brought to you by five hundred brunches. Five hundred brunches connects like minded people with similar interests to meet in real life over brunch. You answer a questionnaire about your interests and how you spend your time. And then they'll match you in small groups of sixty eight at a brunch spot in san francisco get a free entry into a brench now by signing up at five hundred brunches dot com and using the code date able. If you didn't know already. We have a revamped website with articles videos and content all about modern dating. You can also find our premium why series where we dissect analyze and offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums. We've had some great feedback. About how actionable these episodes are so. Check them out on our website or itunes music also visit the site today to see the latest about coaching where we connect you with. Dateable approved experts to help with everything from dating profile reviews coaching and even gathering real feedback about your dating style in a personalized and affordable way to connect with us visit dateable. Podcasts dot com. You can also find us on facebook twitter and instagram. All under dateable podcasts. Don't forget to subscribe and auto download the podcast on itunes. Or your favorite podcast player. So you never miss an episode.