S5E7 I am not throwing away my shot

00:00:03 - 00:05:01

The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world.

This episode of dateable is brought to you by five hundred brunches five hundred brunches next like minded people with similar interests to meet in real life over brunch. You answer a questionnaire about your interest and how you spend your time. And then they'll match you in small groups of sixty eight at a brunch spot in san francisco get a free entry into brench now by signing up at five hundred brunches dot com and using the code date able everyone. Welcome to another episode of dateable. A show that discusses pretty much everything about modern day each episode we featured real stories from real people. Tell us how they make modern dating work or not but into today's case our guests will tell us how she did make modern eating work. Her name is and pay hanger. So mta is twenty nine years old. She's been in san francisco for eleven years originally from so cal where it's like the pasadena area with high school in your rose bowl. Yeah so we brought 'em km show to talk about this idea of authenticity and being yourself. When it comes to modern dating and julie saw one of your posts on facebook. I saw on your post. Obviously let you go into archie tale about kind of taking this risk in sending a photo to your crush at the time ryan dressed in hamilton gear. Jato so man yeah. so i'm like obsessed with hamilton. Which is one of the ducks about me. In life and i guess down like year and a half ago or even a ago i had just started got on one date remained. Current boyfriend jarrett And we Time between i date in our second day. I had like my first hamilton beam riding missile cycle instructor and for the theme ride. I dressed up in a full colonial costume during a children's claudio. Cost you aware like the whole thing. And i just looked like a young man from the ages. Look every young. Woman's going for a. And i just fully send a picture of myself in that full costume backup Teenager oh okay. So we met on hinge okay and actually in terms of like being your authentic self. We came out the gate being outrageously authentic. My general rule of thumb in life is introduce people to the weird as quickly as you can get me. I can't leave saying race. I their time so our initial exchange on hinge our messaging jeans immediately into like this elongated joke about catfish and it ended with me saying something along the lines of i've been hanging out with this life-size cardboard cutout of justin bieber lately and things are going really well so i wanna kinda keep my options open like i wouldn't mind grabbing jake with you like that. Was that was my mind like that i asked. I've seen that justin bieber concert at of you with him so then fast forward to your first date. What did i do so we went out. We met for drinks. A first buyer. We had there been this whole hilarious debacle of pushing the time back and then jarrett was gonna late in the is going to be late eventually. I got there are That and he was sitting outside because it was too crowded inside and so we may look a game time decision in of history to another wine bar and just posted up inside there. They were also really crowded. We were literally sitting in a window sale. And which are. I made it somewhere. In russia nobel similarly on hide irish kind of going with the flow and i also had had a gosselin and we got there Huddled up in the corner end jarrett really hilariously like ordered a glass of peanut gratiot than it appeared in. He was surprised it was a white wine.

00:05:01 - 00:10:02

What i read. Oh you don't know anything about lying to you. Got great neither and then we just talked for hours and you had an immediate connection. Yeah yeah it was crazy. There is just no what i loved so much. A bathroom such great for state like best reseda. is that we immediately went into. It felt so comfortable banter. There is no small talk. It was here my crazy stories here. Mike crazy stories. Here's ivy were all. Here's i view the world and it was so fun the dayton it ended jarrett told me that he looked in the setup of his. He told me that he had a surprise birthday party to go to that night and leave at a certain time to get to the part of his out. Which at the time i was like. Oh overall mentally understand. And so i eventually look down at my phone and realized we our pass when he was to go in so i thought as being so wonderful owner so sorry like we can wrap this up a loss throughout the day and he was the goal that sorry that he is you could really out of a dead going so well and so. We hardaway than i kissed him. Good night centrum. Along as mary way and found out after the fact that it was until august. Yeah exactly what compelled you to send this photo of you in full hamilton gear. It was it honestly. It was my former flirting. That is just. Hey ya right. It's it's worked out pretty well. I the the line went along with it. Was something like oh man another late night at the office in me. And what his his response like so weird that i still remember so clearly his response to that text message because that would be pretty overwhelming for anybody haven't done that and his response was a weird. I wear the same thing today and then he released entirely asked. Oh that looks so cool. How college you have fun. I bet it was also and sow For me that's really a sort of defined our whole relationship is since setup like a joke in something really sincere to follow which is seen knew very well. Have you set these messages before on other dates. Great question now thinking about it. Is that like photo. You just have one out of every day weed out. People have been like. Wow while we were it happened in real time. Like i sent that picture in real time between are person's date and i've always i've always been really open with who i am. Not hiding any of those fast personality because they're just so prominent way and if somebody can't connect with you at your muscle fantastic south than it's never really gonna work. That's where you want the chemistry to be right where where you're leading african flag fly in their yellow. Might be flag or freak flags can make out together. So i just set the picture for our listeners. Because i'm just trying to imagine this after you go on a first date with someone. I'm thinking about my own personal experiences. I have a hard time even sending a text message. 'cause i'm like well the guy should follow up. Maybe you should tell me time but to send a photo now if i were to choose to send a photo after birthday i probably wouldn't choose like the most attractive vote of myself right. Maybe it's like we had a gala or you know at this like charity event. you got that lighting. I that up and wanted to see me at my best usa. A photo of you normally in sports bra. Yes teaching cycle. This is the holy covered from head to toe including a wig. And i've i've never thought of it that way. Every single cost eva sports bra just in my leggings spandex on spandex like sweaty live and live and i opted exactly sexiest photo basketball. Which is nina amazon children's large. So here's a question. Did you have any hesitation in setting that photo.

00:10:02 - 00:15:02

No not really. I was like Undoing it and it worked out well. And i think that if it happened that was really telling for me. 'cause they're this isn't a standard that there have been times where i have let my flag five people that i call. I'm yenisei nothing. You have agreed. Never get the top time. Yeah did you discuss it with your friends before seeing the much time that you know. Turn around that night as date really did like screenshot. A remember screen shotting assad and then sending that brad's so impressed without response. And that's i mean that's his care energy threes as a person to you. He's always there like celebrate the hilarious hijinks and then sell come in with like a sincere. And how did you feel like how do they feel. How are you doing you guys talk before this photo. Yeah okay so we've been on our first date already so like oh yeah like in between yes. We've been message that we've been texting each other because we were going out later that we rely so we had been texting each other back and forth in the. I don't really have. I don't know what is about us. But i think business lied to is so great between us. Felt like there was never in the past. I've always when you're texting back and forth with someone in there's a little bit of that hesitation you check with your friends like Can i can see this. I kind of the older. I got the more gotten over that in general but especially with him it was just like stream-of-consciousness who one hundred percent of the time back and forth and before we had even gone on our i. E between romania had matched on hinge. When we went on the first day it was like right before the holidays and then we got back from holidays in january. And we've been talking. We've been texting in that in between time. And when he was partying. Miami like he was so he would send videos of somehow. He ended up near drake at a constant communication. Yeah yeah but it felt like. I was talking to like my best friend. Yeah lots when you know silly anytime. You're questioning yet as not the right person. You're hesitating. well we have a little surprise for you. M we all right before you came in and we asked him some questions. We think you might want to hear. Oh god here we go. Hi jared this is a and julie from dateable podcast area so basically we have two quick questions one is. Do you recall after the first day the message. What she said was that when he sent me a picture of her dress in oliver hamilton gear and said something lady. I'm sure and need a joke about it. I loved so. I think with dating and especially online dating dating through apps i feel like it can be hard to really find somebody who stand out. Sometimes that is really sort of being themselves. They can be a little hard to kind of express yourself over that medium sometimes and she clearly from the very beginning. What's something a little different which i liked. I think she shared some joke about it. That i i told her that. I actually wearing the same outfit. That was super weird. And who were among. Yeah exactly you'll you'll have to contact by myself classy. I think. I think what i really liked about. It is just that she very clearly. It was so passionate about what she was doing. and that is just really attractive. You know so you know. She's going to be here tunnel minutes. Do you have anything you want to save. Gonna play this for her while she's year. Yeah tell her. Tell her that I i'm gonna. I'm gonna come home or an outfit and then in the schick tell you who work better some role pie going on. Thanks again for your. What would happen if you did. Send photo You know we were already. What i don't think i ever would have seen the shell of the actual musical hamilton.

00:15:03 - 00:20:12

I sent him that photo. And he that night we texting later that day and he had gone online and was looking at wikipedia of alexander hamilton. Officially in general About the show and started listening to the soundtrack and getting into it and fast forward. I think it was or month in. May he surprised me took me on the show in new york added. I never said that. But i had everything off and let me just clarify. You have this obsession hamilton. Before you show yes all right to be clear. I totally forgot to before i send him. That picture like we had never talked about immune. We only been on wednesday. I never we never talked about it and never bought it up for anything and really job right in there. Just let him know what. I was what i was into But i think that. If i if i hadn't since that photo i think i would have missed out on some some fun stuff. We would still be seeing each other. I think the connection At that point. But i definitely don't think we've now seen the show together twice in a thing. It's the thing is the thing i do. Think if you didn't send a photo Thought of something else. Oh yeah oh yeah. He's gotten a lot of videos like me. The bieber cup fifa. So let's go onto some takeaways story. What are some i guess. What are some advice you can give to others. Who are maybe hesitant to show their true colors in the first couple days. Yeah i get it a really understand the hesitation because it's scary in life in general it's theory to be vulnerable and be yourself and be real because there's always the potential that someone isn't going to be into it and there's gonna be some sort of level rejection Heart let the payoff is so bad and so good and it just feels so good in life in general to be authentic To be comfortable with large on your stays on everything about yourself. And i have down at least in my experience that the mortgage show up to any type of connection relationship or interaction with authenticity the brighter and stronger and were wonderful. Those connections become so if doing it in dating round feels a little bit too. Aggressive at first is try it more in normal interactions everyday colleagues or friends or people you meet a whole through. Jag meowing avocados But i think it's just it's like a muscle and if you practice the new strengthen it and then it'll help you to just feel better in situations where dating the stakes little higher you feeling More vulnerable But you'll have done it a little bit more so you mentioned this word. Authenticity quite a bit. And i think for all of his emmy we know the dictionary definition of authenticity. But what is that. Is that sums. Were feeling what is it and i do. Think that for anybody thinking about who it who am i. What is like the most authentic version myself. I was just saying it's what you are held. Do for example. You are compelled to send this photo. Send his message. Because it's naturally who you are. But i think a lot of times in modern dating is that we think well if i were to do this then what will be the consequence. We are so concerned a consequence. I don't want to come off in a certain way. I don't want him to see me in a certain way. I don't want her to think of me in a certain way but the end of the day and you said something earlier is that if they don't accept you for who are authentically yet and they're not the right person for you yet. We focus so much indeed going on getting the other person to like us back. We forget that We're pretty awesome too. And they don't like us for who we are then. They're not the right person right. I think so much of that is tied into growing as an individual yourself and really feeling competent. Who you are. Because i do believe that you attract that people who are drawn to that light into that confidence and yeah i think authenticity. It's doing what you feel compelled to do. It's during the things that bring joy and the your god In finding someone who not only enjoys who you are in those parts about you but really amplifies them and It's it's okay.

00:20:13 - 00:25:03

That's not to say like y'all have to be rising up and strange times the ball. I'm not that's that's that's not the packer everybody at all. It's it is it's what builds interior it's wet. Feels real to you. And and what feels like the truest version of yourself and finding in appreciating the in your life who embrace and celebrate. That's the other thing is like you don't want anybody confused between someone who likes tolerates your authentic salvin huge difference. This brought you guys. Closer are obviously he like that you did this. And then your response to his response. Got you excited. Yeah it builds up your mentoring builds up that connection. Yeah i think sometimes we talk about what we're looking for an ideal partner. We often talk about like finding a connection with someone on how we view life. And how what can family we wanna raise unlike. What our aspirations are a how ambitious we are. But we forget to say we need to find someone to connect with us on some of the things that are kind of off the beaten path. You're quirks the things that are weird about you. Your vulnerabilities your weaknesses. Yeah those are also please of connection in that those can help us get to a deeper connection with someone right because that's the opens the door like i love. I think everyone would love to bust through automatically get into the deep conversations of what a youth the meaning of life is using how it gives you on something like that but the reality is creating all these smaller points of connection in along the way are what sort of guide that and and let it. Get to that place right. I mean there's that quote that i'm totally going to slaughter right. Now we're like the world is weird. You're a little weird a little weird. Just find people find the person who's weird matches up with your weird. I'm call love and feeling that there's a lie to that It's just it's like. I've always been on the hunt for my best friend who had just happened. I can't keep my hands off of those both parts to it. And i think that if you like when it hide it from your best friend high from your partner because that's not how your friendships are charite. Actually set a point. That stuck with kneeling that you stood out especially with our adding one of the things that we hear a lot from people if there were multiple dates and seeing tons tons of people is like. You don't make that connection you kinda just like fall off of the area so i think like what you did. I mean. obviously people should just the hamilton costume to make a statement. I don't copy by decided to do with authentic team. But i think something that makes you stand out being yourself will back to what you said will attract that right person in have them see differently. Yeah i mean none of this would have happened if not initial message exchange on hand on the dating app if we both had come out the gates like it was it was it did out. I like everybody else. Had a million conversations are like. Hey what's up. And that never went anywhere. He he did open with the line. So what is an k. Stand for and i got. I got an opener. Opening line about my name. A lot. On dating absolute. I'm sure loan brother not that. I dislike jovan right away to the joke and he came back with like witty response. And it just snowballed maher. That's a good takeaway. Even if someone doesn't give it to you you can turn the overseas share her way. Because i could have been like mary. Kay how're you doing. How got that. It's just dial so Yeah i think just really owning your space in owning whom you are and people in general in life relationships are a reflection of that but like just in life in general the more authentic you are. I found the the better connections to the roller absolutely absolutely. So what's weird about. Jared signed l. He so i always make the joke that like. I don't know if anybody makes me laugh.

00:25:03 - 00:30:01

But he is funny but he like weird socks or everyday finance a really big shock collection. I thought that was a joke when he first told me and then i saw them. This is my god. This is another story so within a month of dating or something. He had a few drinks one night. And i guess. He signed me up for a monthly socks because he had like men ride my address in the one time he'd been over so definitely could have been a serial killer. Lucky me it was just socks. This is another example of how are weird is really matches up. There was another time. This was the night that i knew. This guy was me as a volume of them. We ended up at a totally empty glove in san francisco on super bowl weekend. Were dj. pauly d. j. on there with not a single shot a giant club except for polity go go dancers and his lighting people in the bartenders spike. Up a notch joking. It was just the two of us and this isn't this. That was a type of adventure or thing that i would totally you may own and it was so cool to be with someone who was doing it as well and then we were in there like kinda watching at one point. Two major was like we should go down on the dance floor. Dance in a totally a making eye contact with the one. Dj with dj against dj. Paulie and i was like yeah absolutely ativan. The thing i would suggest. Let's jump down in there so it was fun to find someone who suggested on his our and the other thing is as much as we line up in a lot of ways we are also so different and the balance there is really wonderful. And that's what i mean about. Finding someone who celebrates your authenticity doesn't match yours like don't have to be like you. In fact. I highly recommend finding someone who who balances you donate structures. Have altogether together up there competent. Man he really he will give them a lots of celebrate. Like everyday is an adventure but to find. Find someone who who just gets it and and appreciates it and wants to be a part of it with you. Also totally has their own wonderful things about them. Yeah how have you guessed together. We've been together for what like almost i guess what's twenty four months medicine six eighteen months. I honestly don't like a baby like february february Sixteen okay yeah. Also we live together down around and state. Let's go onto our question of the day. Yep personal is a little bit different It's a story for my friend. And i just want to tell the story of her a approval so she's been dating this guy they're getting along. They're really great and she slow quirky which i love. That's why we're friends. So she's over his place one day his brother's over as well and he asked her to get something from his his bedroom in front of his brother and so she's like really playful on. She makes an wall noises every once in a while like some of us do. She started running to the bedroom archaic. She's like fetching something. France issues like what. We're like going to the bedrooms comes back out and gives them whatever. It was so later on that night when the brother lapped he sat down with her and said hey when you were barking earlier my brother was here. I really didn't appreciate he knew. Make sure you don't do that at least on my father and he was completely serious. Yeah me out of his time. Why just like. I think talking to him and asking him why. Why did that make you. Why does that make you uncomfortable. What what is it about that Because maybe there's like a deeper thing. They should be discussing in general. I think it's i think it's helping. But she off and on for a few months seven months. It's like she said it was injured. Places getting serious yeah itself. I try to see what the deeper reason for. Why would enjoy him. Because it's okay for.

00:30:02 - 00:35:02

I mean i date like Or he's introverted Extroverts there have been times in our relationship. has had to communicate to me. Like hey when you when you tell him we're going home and then you surprised me taking me to this far to meet like a thousand of your friends. I've never met before the giant party. That's lower on that. And i was like i didn't even think of that writing so i appreciated being able to talk about it But i think. I think that if he doesn't dig her weirdness than would was like. Yeah but if there's something if it's a dog barking is triggering noise for him. I don't know how it's the brother like. Maybe there was something because it was his brother was there. I don't know. I agree with at k. It's like just have the conversation and see what the root cause was may. Yeah because you don't know like the brothers dog may have divy sensitive to dog noises. I mean there could be ill. Universities uncomfortable around his father who knows who knows that exactly there. There are million reasons ages like chocolate and discuss but also on off again for seven months with someone can't except the weird then. Yeah it's over. it's time to move on. It's hard to do that right because if everything else is going well and relationship they just can't embrace this one aspect of you. It's hard to walk away. I understand why. That's tough. But i think that's also gonna pose more problems down the line if you stay really candidates the essence of your personality. That's kind of a big factor area. Yeah a little more than everything else that could be lining up as with anything a relationship or if you just dating someone casually communication is so much about the event that happened or the out how you react to. It may talk about her being vulnerable and saying this need be questioned by his response to that. Yeah julie do you have any works in your quirks and i'm sure ideal honest police. Are you really going calistoga. I pretty authentic with use of you. Don't see anything you're just not that weird. Also i think doesn't necessarily just right for like i think jill like god bless the people who are like chiller quiet as that's that's their truth living. Glad we need you. Say i i definitely we very authentic catholic with you but i don't know awesome will. Thanks for telling us this story. Line i i love i love it as yourself. Everyone else's taken. And i also am obsessive. Hambleton i'm and i. I've been listening to soundtrack nonstop. After i watched it. It'll be so fricking gut. So the next time jarrett nigon another hamilton. Dale we sure fresher and listeners. At home you know we appreciate your authenticity through your stories. Tell us your stories we want. We will love to have you as a guest on our show or just entertain us. We love hearing all of your dating stories and on that note. We'll wrap this up one two three. Stay all your action item. This week is to take a chance and embrace your quirks on dates an life. If you feel like you've been holding back on dates this is a week to hold back a little less within reason. Of course as mk. Put it you want to find someone who doesn't just tolerate your authentic self but rather someone who accepts and celebrates your authentic self go into dating with that mindset and you may find it changed the way you act on dates now that you have a different goal in mind if you didn't know already in our off season we launched a premium series called the white series where we dissect analyze offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums. We've had some great feedback on. How actionable these episodes are so. Check it out on our website under the tab why series or you can now buy directly from itunes music. The most efficient way to meet new people is a combination of online and offline five hundred branches has your offline covered connect over brunch with new friends. Come alone or bring a buddy. There's always a table. Full of friendly faces mimosas and eggs benedict sign up at five hundred branches dot com and use the code date able for free entry to connect with us visit dateable.

00:35:02 - 00:35:10

Podcasts dot com. You can also find us on facebook twitter and instagram. All under dateable podcasts.