S5E5 Getting out of the Friend Zone

00:00:03 - 00:05:02

The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world.

This episode of dateable is brought to you by five hundred brunches. Five hundred branches connects like minded people with similar interests to meet in real life. You answer a questionnaire about your interest and how you spend your time. And then they'll match you in groups of sixty eight at a brunch spot in san francisco. Get a free entry into brench now by signing up at five hundred brunches dot com and using the code date able everyone welcome to another episode of dateable a show all about modern dating on each episode. We hear real stories from real people of how they nick. Modern danny work or not in some cases in today's case we're talking about the friends. Oh dun dun dun and some of you know this already. But i was dating coach when i was living in new york and one of the main reasons why people would come to me for help. One was to get more checks that that's what they say. In the second reason was how do i get out the friend zone. It's one of those questions that you know everyone. It's like the million dollar question and my answer to them was always. You cannot get out the friends though once. You've been the friend zone. You can't climb out but in today's case that's all changed. We have amy chris. Hey guys hanging out just a little background on both of you. First of all you're engaged outright Okay so you went from friends. Zome totally platonic to now being engage. Yes and not a platonic engagement. Either i just want to clarify spread like a push on the way. I want to give a little background on both amy and chris. Amy has been in san francisco for nine years originally from palm springs. She's thirty two years old and we ask oliver gas to fill out this type form before they come on the show so we get a little background on them and when the answer one of the questions is what do you wanna talk about on this episode. And amy's answer was how we moved out of the friend zone to make a life together. That's just beautiful Poem itself and. Chris has been in san francisco for seven years originally from fairfax virginia. He's thirty three years old and his answer to that question was how i got a girl of my dreams. I need to know what's going on first of all. Let's just rewind you guys were friends for how long two and a half years and at what point did this friendship. Turn into a romantic relationship. Long story the basis of it was that we had a lot of common goals and shared values. And even though i knew he was interested in it. Felt kind of like more than i was ready for To have a friend. Because i saw him as someone that i could spend time with a business partner or or more just because of our strongly value system. How did you know that chris was interested. You could multiple situations where it happened to sort of slip out. you know. liking. What lay. I wanna hear. Well i couldn't really cover up my feelings. And so for instance in india i might get a couple more cups of tea and knee than normal and i would just cop. I really like lines. And then there was several sort of fizzled out moments of that type. That were all no no. We're not gonna go there to sort of refined our our balances france and for each of those moments. Did you think maybe in the future. Maybe soon i did. Even amy was really clear with her boundaries initially always kind of left the door open a crack in one way making her. What way for instance. Like i can remember one time first time when i told you that i really liked you. And you're like no. I don't think that we have future air. Not sad and it's not gonna change you know i was. I was kind of hurt. Asked to some extent in sort of disappeared for a little while and disappeared.

00:05:02 - 00:10:08

You would always kinda like come back. Get reach child. At some our young she would reach back out after a little while like. Hey where are you. I'm sorry were you. I didn't hear from you ever since that Conversation we are you. Okay and amy. What were your intentions with these Yeah i thought your friends. I really cared autumn. La so i cared about his well-being i wanted to make sure he was okay. I still saw us as good friends. No matter what the reason why I didn't like say okay. Can't be friends that again. You're being a little weird to me. Right now is. Because i know i saw i saw more to him in those two and a half years. He has just friends whether other people picture in him so for about side. So let's start with chris. How did you feel when he was dating. Other people well I typically felt jealous. Some extent with i managed a pretty kind of hidden way but that for me was always a sign that i really liked. A girl look felt that so. We had a couple experiences at burning man And it always was a little hard for me to see you with other is where you sizing up these other guys where you like. Hey i somers better than this stoop. Yeah but you know there's also i think that one of the real crucial kind of things that i learned about having really close friends that i also am attracted to is being able to consciously go some of those feelings and if there's one single thing that i feel like i've really learned about that is is really striving in trying to find that real french deeper friendship not the lake because i had other girlfriends in the past i i Destroy the relationship from eating way overly aggressive on not really knowing when to stop and not being able to let go and in your mind. Were you thinking this isn't going to happen just yet of a timing reason or did you actually think maybe this will never happen. I didn't really know. But i knew that i loved you so much. Just for who you are and the way you are couldn't walk away from it was just like this force year needs you. I i didn't really know. But i knew that the connection was incredibly something that i want so like heat nourishing so ammon ask you the same question. How did you feel when chris in those two and half years. Chris was dating these girls knowing you knowing that he had a crush on you. Yeah well that's why. I wanted to be really clear with boundaries is because there was other people involved and i wanted to make sure that we're like we could be. We could maintain our friendship without getting into that year zone. And i think that's the biggest thing that that boundary so clear so strong that he felt like we. There was something deeper that we couldn't connect on. I wasn't open up to him and But i mean i was. I'm happy to see him with other. People are just wanted him to be happy. And i was with other people so i was fine with that. Any sense of jealousy in any of those moments was times where he was with. someone else. Said with another person. We're you know we're a team. We're the we're we're like the to dynamic duo yet. There is a few points. Where just kinda didn't understand why he was with somebody else but because he was sort of therapists that hansel one of the most interesting things. I think our relationship is because we set the precedent friends. We were all is completely open at each other. I was able to tell her. My deepest darkest secrets including the doubts that i had about currently stuff that i couldn't even tell mike girlfriend that so kind of set this the stage for being completely open and i think that that's really helped us but amy you said something that i find interesting you said why are you dating her. You weaker. the dynamic duo here don't end. That's unfair to chris. Yup probably i mean but sometimes you just think something but you want to wish the other person well so you don't really say it or but really like i had seen a lotta struggles that he had had with his relationship at the time and i thought that he wasn't really happy and i tried to help them because another friend helped me get out of a relationship that we couldn't see that we were right for each other in zayn.

00:10:08 - 00:15:04

I was hoping that i could be that for them but they weren't ready for that. So that wasn't my place and you know. I see this in a lot of friendships. Turn into relationships that during that friendship period Whoever is the one being chased is always in this in that position of. I want you in my life but also i don't want you like that so it it. It's weird dynamic. Because the other person's doing the chasing is kind of like well. Am i fully free to date someone else when i'm thinking about you. And you as the one being chased. You're like i don't want anybody else taking away the time that we have together or attention. You're giving to me. Yeah i see that quite a bit. So how did this dynamic change changed I will say that it started in a retreat on. I put together in thailand for the new year. It was all about letting go of stuff from the past going into the new year. Clean slate so i created a whole protocol and we went to thailand. There was really intimate. There's just four of us chris. I saw him as somebody who could be Partial co leader for it. You know it's my first time trying to throw something like this on and it had all these fun activities that are really like deep work. That helped you see yourself in a new light and we did these activities. We did yoga every morning. We went on it venture and then we did these activities in the evening. It was very her found. And i think that was the first turning point of He reached out to me and said you know you're you're you personally. You're not letting you're not being open with me. You're not an opening up. He called you out. He called me out. Yeah and he's never really called me out before. I think you know he wrote a song kind of about it but never really like said you need to be more open with me so it was the first time that it was like. Oh okay well that makes sense. Maybe i need to open up a little bit more. So that kind of put a question mark on that boundary of like. Well how how do we define the boundary trip was so life changing that everybody win on. It had like something that they just let go of and so two. Breakup happened during the retreat. When when we got back from each chris when you said amy you're not open with me. You're not be completely open. What did you mean by that. Well i think that i felt a little bit of. We both have challenges and we have certain types of feelings in the acres that we struggle our whole life around relationships. And i think i felt one of your challenges which was not letting people in very easily and being even know extremely attentive extremely expressive and nurturing. Kind of there was this wall barrier dot. Felt like you wouldn't let anyone inside at all. And i was kind of basically just trying to get you to give me a chance because i always knew that i could prove myself. That was what i was gonna ask. Do you think it was a timing thing that something eugene used or did you just suddenly see chris and different light. Well i had a. I was finally over relationship. I was looking for a new one and because of our friendship i guess part of me was thinking. Well maybe maybe he's a good candidate though it. It made me realize that. Perhaps if there was chance for the two of us. I would have to take it if that was case even just considering it sure. That's that that plan seed. How did the seat grow. Well we both have the different sort of shape gun the actual tournament moment. Where yeah you around. What i thought was what it was. was kind of humorously enough encouraged by a magic mushroom. Shake we add. This franco share a mushrooms usually like alcohol or substance. It's while it was. It was interesting because even though we were so intensely connected with our values and our hobbies we had never been able to really physically light breakthrough numbering. And we've had a couple of the fizzled out. Moment said the really awkward. Where i had sort of been a little too like aggressive in a while so It was that was really hard for us to break through that land.

00:15:04 - 00:20:02

After this one amazing day of like kind of hiking around all day long we ended up sinaga lane like in this chair in the campus. It's the first time you've ever snuggle pretty much. Yeah okay sliver assignment. Good snugly non platonic snuggling. She was still pretty white but it was very. It was very deep. It was it was kind of a breakthrough for me so before this weren't we were utterly that hogs we next one another. Yeah will time. But you've never had like an accidental. Make out session before marina snuggle known. So what happens during the snuggle. Amy do you remember who the day. I remember being really nice but it wasn't as mind blowing for me. I just remember feeling good. So what was the turning point for you. I'll the turning point is i. He actually liked called me out and he liked challenged me. Four was the four before the several so it was kind of like leading up to it. I think so. That's interesting is your by taliban. Must've switch and he must have picked up on that will you are just more. I was exactly so he was a little bit of the green light but it still pretty dim at that point. Yeah it was just. It's just a weird switch. Really you have that wall and then to to like howard a little pinhole. Yup you know so it was like walking towards the pinhole and not really sure you know where those lert lines we're gonna be. It's interesting when you see someone and then when you see them in a different way. I have to happen before where they're totally platonic with sky. We worked on a project together in one day. I swear to you. Just one day. I was like holy shit. This man is sexy. Never had feeling of and you just. I can't even recall what it was. I don't know what was the factor that played into it but just something. It is a slave thing with a friend of eight months. Never gave him thought one day like to move. And i was into it and i don't know what that plays when What really turned it around was huge. Showed more confidence. Yeah when when that door. I think maybe slightly started to open the more. He never really went after me like it was kind of like you know it was just like i can feel the feelings. You know you never really initiated anything. But when things started to initiate i realized that okay this being more masculine and that's sexy to me. That is so such a good point because a lot of times what happens. Says you know you get the the passive yep pat Initiative like hey do you wanna hang out tomorrow or Really liked that dress on creek today versus like can i take you on a date on a ni- tonic. Can we hang out not as friends example just using i remember like the guy like rabbi rarely bar. They held my hand table. And i was like okay. This is happening but like the four weeks aggressive confidence reaction to it. So let's get you the juicy partisan on and we ended this completely turned on platonic. Well only i think it was so. We got back from thailand. And then you're just like in my mind like all the time. And i think i said in an email to you that i felt like my heart was just like bursting at the seams like i couldn't contain it and i was thinking about you all the time And then i think we. That's when the the the the sexting began right texting you interviewed guys individual so good. I think insular. I you had you had Critique that you were having your friends do about your character and and this was an opportunity for me to just like dumb down my heart question for you like before when you liked. Ad were you thinking about her. All the time like you just sent gender. Was this much more intense. Feeling of it well was thinking about her a lot but for me the problem was i didn't really trust my feelings because i had had this happened.

00:20:02 - 00:25:07

In the past other people. I had been in a long term relationship with someone for six years clouds I had had several really intense. Crushes come and go. And i got to the point where i felt like i didn't know what to do with those feelings. My should trust them. If that was just kind of this thing that i should be pushing out enough attention to at all. So that really trusting feelings. I think was a really big break is probably partially. Because you ultra right receptive to it right. He couldn't deny his feelings anymore. Because of the trip it may be doubted all up and we decided say yet. But let's get to the sex. You need to know more. I don't know went you. You said the The evaluation is sent all these evaluations personal. Evaluations of evaluating is a person. Like what i could grow on was really great at and stood out like like something. I don't know it just really stood out. I forget right now. I wish we could look at them again. And i talked about the things that are completely magical value. I talked about your incredible nece and like fearlessness. Like the time that we meet dance naked around the fire burning man when we were just friends and she was like all right. You better go dance naked around the fire. And i was like i'm not going unless you're going like the one thing about this lady. She can't turn down the challenge lens. She's just she's got that warriors spirit that like. It's gonna be like i'm gonna do this. And you were like ones and super bowl and you probably saw the. He saw euchre who you were. Were things that he wrote about me it just it just really turned around in my mind. It was like he sees me in a way that nobody has the appreciates nian away that nobody has ends right so it. That was really one big step. We'll save. Oh friendship in general because obviously it's foundation in like one of the problems with like just going on date after date with people don't necessarily know is that you don't have that down nation she. Yeah so. I think it's important for people to who are trying to get get out of the friend zone to think about instead of telling your crush crush on them which is flattering right. The other approach is to say. I see you in this way and this is why i admire you. This is why. I want to be doing you. Because i see you differently than how other people. Ceo that's a very compelling argument for giving me a chance. And i know you. It's not just a limited to ryo the core of you. And i want to be with that person and obviously you eighties. Beautiful obviously physically attracted. That's already you know baseline but what is it on top of that because eighty could get all sorts of messages from people who tell her. She's great who wants to be with her. Where tracked it to her. But what makes you stand out. And what i'm hearing is christie's you in a different light than other people do so back to the sexting this next thing since you remember at yeah well so there was opponent and then there was kind of like i said i was overwhelmed with these feelings and I think that is psychically. Could feel that you're in your growing interest growing receptiveness other side. And so i started sort of pushing the lines. A little bit with Talking about the you know the the hot shower in the apartments and like and there's lots of stuff that to you basically Insinuating certain things without actually coming out to save them. I was pretty bold at that point. I started to get really strong vibe. That i was gonna go for that. You're gonna gonna go far but your idea. Bold seems to not have stuck with amy because she didn't really remember these sex gig you what did you think these texts What but i just. I don't know. I don't plan to his sexual side of the house from like friends. I've also had friends that. Neil friends that i've literally just advance with that a thoughtful safe way and i can't imagine crossing that barrier so it's definitely a challenge to get over it so i see like kind of by planting that it started to see a different lighting who i think like i remember one where we come back from the trip and i had told you that i was.

00:25:08 - 00:30:03

My heart was bursting at the scenes and everything and then it was kind of just silent. And you're of playing it cool. And i woke up one morning and i wrote this one that just said you know this this whole cool as a cucumber thing would be working great for me. If i weren't ridiculously offering era it was super. It was pushing politics return and and knows the long time reply. All thanks again. Hey how's it going vote. he do. He's excited and how win this happen. When winded this Sexting into real life scenario well We had our first kind of kissing and massaging. Surely the assange i. It was the massage. How did this happen well. It was pretty much ado. Yeah i mean the from the attacks that i just mentioned that was anymore. That's schooling came. After that. And also i said i want to home so is clear at that area. It's pretty stover. The friends from my point of view. I'm still hack garda like it. Didn't really hit me in the same way i think if i like. Were really into him. Super late lake ready. It would have hit me in a different way but the other like it was just kind of like okay. We'll he's being. Chris or you know like like a new that it was Was insinuating and i also knew that i wanted to give it shots to see where things are going and yeah so so then but we're you starting to develop feelings. Yes so it was definitely like once the whispered got in than it was like me. You know like all the little. Maybe things came in. And i think at one one big turning point was he brought me back to his home and on this farm we have this idea about turnage retreat center for years and it just kind of felt like your you go. I don't know like there was just the sense of like this is for you and me like it just like it was part more of this feeling of like we have to do this together and like so it almost felt more like faded and had to just trust it instead of fighting it and i think i've been fighting it since i had met him so it was more of just like being afraid until i have somebody care for me as much as he does yes. It was a lot of being afraid and secretly behind the scenes a year longer. Almost that much before that I had been working on developing this farm. And nothing by ben girlfriend was almost gonna move in with me there which just brought me this massive feeling dread basically that i was really like not that excited about it and secretly i was had these dreams about few drives thinking about you at that place white house kind of you. Were like the queen of this castle. Who has all along so that night when you guys hook up. Let's get to that with massaging gets low romantic and then the kiss hobbits prettier magic. The kisses good. I felt like he got nervous so we just kind of ended. It ended with the kiss so we stopped to think. I don't know if i went home. I really remember but it just felt like got nervous. He's waiting for this moment for two and a half years. Yeah there was a lot of feelings from the past. Rejections of the fizzled out moments. That we have that were kind of slightly traumatic for me where i tried to advance in that yeah. Pse josh so. I was not sure some of those feelings. I was still dealing with them. So yeah so how. Things progressed to being in relationship. Then we went to india.

00:30:05 - 00:35:04

Do i had like list of tests. That i wanted to put it through. Make sure he's a test. We went to kunda lean yoga retreat. I know you're in my favorite place where she cash. That's where i did my yoga teacher training. I took him back to all my favorite places. I think the test was just going through india. Like what what's that like and moving two solid weeks just twenty four hours so we just kind of like. I knew that we had to work it out. And that's where we worked it out by the end of it. We felt pretty solid a. You're in a relationship. We are in a relationship ended veteran but before it was pretty shaky. Wyche i you know like i. I called things off. Like close to valentine's i know i don't want to date you know about this and then you brought me back. You're like just come. Just come to the farm. Let's just start working together. In a way he won is he wants to be with me. No matter what fighting fighting for me for our friendship. He'll be here forever. You know so with that realization. I realized that it wasn't a four psychic fight anymore. So that's what the big turning point was that it felt like we were meant to be together. Did you have any conversations about boundaries or rules of know. They always say we don't. I don't wanna compromise is friendship if we do. Yeah yeah little. I was worried that i was like what you get yourself into. I could hurt. You really bad like we have to try so it was. It was almost like we. There was not. There's no argument. How long ago was this trip. I was in march. And when did you guys get engaged. A birdie two weeks ago so a year and a half later since march of this year a hough guess that's known each other years sat right issues visit in a liberty relationship ever since. Yeah it's a different take. We've done everything backwards. But maybe it's the best way. Obviously it sounds like you guys have travel which is amazing but for people but can't just get up and go to india thailand and whatnot. What are some advice that both of you would have get out of the friend zone or to be. Maybe for you get out of the friend zone for you to link beat open receptive to a friend that might be the one that's in there. The whole time for me the most important takeaway is that ironically enough is finding that eternal connection that is not even sexual necessarily now that as souls and as key collaborators in this life like that really deepening. Enduring friendship in even being able to let go of their needing to be more there needs to be more physical closeness and being in also really continually strive and deep in action as people are projects and our hobbies everything. That's i think. What lousy to get closer closer closer closer over time until it. Just think for me. It's about just trusting yourself and allowing love to happen who wasn't ready to really fully beloved and that a lot of my work was on self love and that helped me allow other people. Love me to know is someone. That's been there the whole time. You've been there the whole time. Yeah some might take aways would be I think use something christie said at one point. You didn't fully trust your feelings. And i do think that people sometimes need to know what they're feeling is. Is this just a a very elementary crush. Which could it could be right. I think she's pretty. I think we get along. That's a crush or is this a deeper connection. Nineteen you're trying to decipher between. Is this just a surface level superficial attraction or is it much deeper and when you finally came upon this idea of you have the really deep connection with amy beyond anything you've experienced before that's when you acted on those feelings right so i think people need to one no their own feelings i before they act and to i would say back to all the clients have had in the past tried to get out of the friend zone. They always tell me well. I look for signs. And she gave me the sign where she liked touch my leg or she returned my text message right away.

00:35:05 - 00:40:00

I would say if you're always looking for signs you're always confined signs that aligned with what you're looking for that always going to be the case so incentive looking for signs you should be looking for looking for signs in yourself that you want to pursue this her said and when you're ready to pursue you should take initiative and you should go for like you were saying with a quote instead of trying to guess like if she intimate today or is she giving you the today to tell her you should just do it. Act on those feelings to say i into you. I want to take the student another level. I don't want to just be friends with you. Because i i see us as something magical the third takeaway i have which i think is the most important one is have a plan of how you want to turn friendship into a relationship with you guys did was go to india and hash out things. You can't approach someone who's been your friend for two and a half years and say hey magically tomorrow let's just be boyfriend girlfriend doesn't happen like that. You have to go to your friend and say i. I really think we can build something beyond friendship. And here's my strategy for us. Let's let's talk about the steps of how we can reach their. How how we can get there. I've been thinking about this and business Mike plan for us in the two of you can talk about you. Know like let's how do we get turn this friendship into beyond a friendship going into a relationship. And i think that for the person you're trying to pursue will show your thoughtfulness as opposed to just. This is just some some random crush right. I think that's a good point too. Because obviously you had a very deep feelings for any wanted this to leash chip but that's not always inglorious. Have the friend zone like my situation. When i was with friends like it became just like a hookup. that was like a friends with benefits situation. Which is just confusing. Not so great. That's like the downside of the friends. Oh not gone. Well but at the end of the day the comes back to why are you trying to get out of friends though. It just like to fill up attraction to someone or as a to really be without person. And if it's really be with that person what you just said of communicating. Having that in the might happen. So here's the question can. Do you believe hetero opposite. Sex friendships can actually happen out totally yet. Yeah i think. I think that they definitely can and that slight edge that may be there always is of the physicality kind of behind the scenes. I think make some very exciting. I don't think it's a. I personally have a male friend that was like a brother to me like we all the time and whatnot and i never felt that i know do not feel that way either so i really don't think there was any sign of it at all just genuinely enjoy each other's company were really good for each other as friends at that point of our lives so i don't think it's always a case. Yeah amy yet. I believe one hundred percents. Neutrons are short and is all about that boundary. Soon as you're ready to break the boundary than you can't be friends. We either one or two things happen flushes or anything but i think thanks to the point of the people like for you that team to it's like even doesn't work out like if you're really have those feelings to someone. You can't really be friends with that. Not be there genuinely want to be friends with them or you have this lingering crush of its laboring crush senator. Just put it out there and see what happens. Yeah and then exit if it doesn't work because you're not authentic friends at that point totally about all about intention. I really don't think platonic opposite. Gender friendships happened at all. I don't believe them. I think there's always underlining some sort of like some sort of a temptation there and it could happen with timing. Could maybe that that mushroom shake could bring something out in some line or a shot of something could bring out something anyway. I think it's the difference of opinion. But i really don't think platonic opposite. Gender friendships can happen. Let's go into question. Only i do have one last question for you in the two years. You guys were just friends. Did any of your friends say amy. You really should be dating chris. Yeah actually known. People were reading for chris. My mom actually over him number one because they will plans and you get. I don't know maybe she just had a crash on on. Nazi loved chris.

00:40:01 - 00:45:05

She was the main person who's always been right about in for me so but also shows that if you're not ready you can't force anything and you weren't ready ready and i let her know that. She said she's happy but she's happy now. Happy new things come together when they're supposed to come. Let's go onto our question of the day. This one comes from melanie. I have a close male friend and everyone says he has a crush on me. I believe we're just friends. Do you think that's possible. And if not how do. I let him down easily. I give all your friends seem to think that he has crush on you. Chances are he probably has a crush on you right. Yeah how. I would go about that. How i went about it with. Chris was just a really honest conversation. Because once you get those feelings and emotions out there when he put it out there than the awkwardness you know. They can be pretty clear on where he stands so. It's all about communication and it really helps. That's what had that's why we have such a long friendship will say though. I think yes your friends. See things that you don't but they also the other way see things that you don't so it depends also like what their opinions are on the men and women frankfurt sample. You're very don't believe that. So if two people were super closing all the time your instinct think that was more going on but if the two of them were people that actually like had the tonic male female friends they may be differently in they also might have different conversations with just each other so i think you need to trust your own instinct over your friends but either way. If you're not feeling that. I think it comes down to like Down in conversation like we're trying but earlier like you're truly friends you can probably get through it but it's like. That was the only motivation him. Being your friend than your nominally yet. But you were never really truly friends only to begin with but how you let someone down who hasn't expressed her feelings yet. It's kind of preemptive attack economy to eat for them to like make a move. But then i don't know that super awkward is now. She's like listen. We can show like be like. Hey all my friends keep teasing me gleaming. You use that to leverage the concert. So but i think it's talking his leg beginning if you also don't like them to be like oh well she's bringing it up. She must have a thing for me right. He's like how do you save. That just opened the conversation but not expected. I asked chris is like. Is there something more you want from me is. There were a friend. Is there more to the friendship that you're looking for. And he was like. Yeah but it doesn't have to be so you like the easy way out Issues really into so she could tell yeah like just site klay from the energy and no you good at being the one to then open up. Yeah and it's about talking like it's harder to say. This is not what happened. But let's say hypothetically. I'm not ready for this to be a relationship do you guys. Do you think you'd be able to stay there. I think that we would because kind of going back to that thing that i said floor. I feel like some really. I think that people people should be able to be connected throughout life deeper deeper and deeper as life goes on regardless of whether they're together romantically or not. That's something that i wanna. I aspire to be dot evolved emotionally to the and i've learned from having friendships with girls blow apart healing. Never talked to ever and because of being so hurt by being rejected and welling up myself. And so i think it just comes out kind of breathing it out learning let go of stuff a not serving you and just really enjoying being her. Buy friendship so chris in your essence receiving end of like. Let's say you put yourself in that role and melanie. Who wrote in the story. She is trying to tell you that she's not really interested. In taking the next level what would you want to hear from our. It helps to be sort of still feel like you're trapped and to not feel like it's a personal attack so that will think of kind of really smoothing out with you know your tractive.

00:45:05 - 00:50:03

Her aunt really nice looking at your one. Wonderful in all these ways of making sure that someone doesn't go down a wormhole in terms of losing confidence about themselves. I think that that's really important and talking more about the kind of practical reasons why it just might not be the right match will think it helps censor could play because i think people say over the like like me as a person but they don't wanna take the next level must be the they're not attracted in may or may not be alec obviously for you as i'm just not ready so i think that's a really good point. Each two women need to have conversations. Maybe i just not meeting all the whole gamut of people eg never heard of the scenario turned around where the woman wants to get out of the friend zone for with a guy front. I've actually never heard of that happening. Endings holiday does four. Yeah okay. I headed guy friend. I wanted to get out of the zone with college. And what did you do about it. Nothing because i was anything harder for. And i think also i was okay. Just keeping his friends to. It wasn't like burning desire that. If i did get a crush yet i guess it was more of a crush muslim. College wasn't involved was harder for women. Because we're not expected to go for ryan. How do you get guide and co for you want you if you make them. It's it's always tricky. I probably like the subtle signs of talk about the men doing that. No one taking on sending these signs that he had no idea. Yeah that's probably what happened. Two years later well. I love hearing the success story. It gives hope to everyone to who is trying to get out of the friend zone and in honor of getting out the friend zone. I know you guys have written songs about your relationship and we get to hear one of those songs today right. Shall we prepare for that. Song is signifying. What part of your relationships. This was in india and this was really what we really got together. I love this was based on a conversation where she will. I was typically. I can get up really early in the morning. And i was oftentimes leaving without saying goodbye and then she would wake up alone and not our. I was still happens. No just when you look for leave in the morning to say goodbye does matter if i'm sleeping waking up. Give me a little kiss surrogate by okay. Okay i can do that. And then my one request was that she say that she's mine forever. so which also rhyme. That's what it came from John wake up surname to own man like owning guys trying to get. Yeah i want to thank chris and eighty for being here telling us her story of getting out of the friend zone. I think it's very inspirational. But also i think it's even if you're not trying to get out of the zone. I had a lot of takeaways just taking that risk. Always look straight power leaving your power. Why should entrusting your feelings lovely listeners. Home of you have stories a you like tell on our show. We love to have your guest on our show. We can anonymous you so we can give you anything you want and on that nose debacle world. Your action item for this week is to know and understand your feelings.

00:50:03 - 00:51:58

If you have feelings for someone try to figure out if these feelings are real sometimes we get caught up in this whole. I really want him or her to like me back that we forget how we truly feel and when you do realize your feelings are indeed real. Come up with a plan to let your feelings be heard. The worst case scenario is that they don't feel the same way about you and that ends up being the best case scenario because his way better to no sooner than later you we want to give a huge dateable. Shoutout to nick who has been helping us with sound. Thank you so much for your generosity your kindness and your technical skills to make all of us sound better on air. Thank you again nick. If you didn't know already in season we launched a premium series called the y series where we dissect analyze offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums. We've had some great feedback on how actionable these episodes are so. Check it out on our website under the tab why series or you can now buy directly from itunes music. Another exciting announcement is that we revamped our website. We now have written stories from past guests and writers and we have played list to organize episodes by topics. These playlists can also be found on soundcloud. So check out. All the content we now have on dateable. Podcasts dot com. The most efficient way to meet new people accumbens of online and offline five hundred branches. Has your line covered connect over brunch with new friends. Come alone or bring a buddy. There's always a table of friendly faces mimosas. An eggs benedict sign up at five hundred branches dot com and use the code date able for free entry to connect with us visit dateable. Podcast dot com. You can also find us on facebook twitter and instagram. All under dateable podcasts.