S5E16 Just Say Yes

00:00:03 - 00:05:06

The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world.

This episode of dateable is brought to you by five hundred brunches. Five hundred branches connects like minded people with similar interests to meet in real life brunch. You answer a questionnaire about your interest and how you spend your time. And then they'll match you. In small groups of sixty eight at a brunch spot. In san francisco get a free entry into brench now by signing up at five hundred brunches dot com and using the code date able. Hey everyone welcome to another episode of dateable a show all about modern dating. I know for a while. Now we've been telling you guys to filter better to pick your dates better and to go on less states but higher quality dates but there is something to be said about saying yes to opportunities and that's exactly what our guest today is here to talk about. Her name is cheryl. Hi cheryl. hello. And of course julie's here too i'm gonna give some stats about cheryl. She's thirty six years old originally from new york. She's been in san francisco for six years and she is happily married yet now. I don't know anything about the story. But i just know that you having the mindset of saying yes to every opportunity lead you to meeting your your now has been yes okay. What's your the story. Okay so i felt like. I was kind of in this point in my life where i really wanted to meet. Somebody and i was living in washington. Dc and. i just felt like things weren't going. Well so i get this job. Offer in bahrain of all places. And i thought i don't know if this is the right fit for me. I don't know if i should take it and i felt like i just need a sign. So one day on the dc metro. I've lived there at this point for year. And exactly going. And i stand up to look at the map just to kind of see which stop is next because it wasn't paying attention and this guy comes up to me and says excuse me are you lost no. I wasn't lost. But i for i stop for a minute and i said yeah i am i. I'm not sure which train. And i'm not sure which way i'm headed to you. Know he gave me directions and we started talking and he said i know this is kind of weird but can i get your number can take you out on a date. Oh and he was he these very big muscles he was in the military and i looked at him and my first immediate reaction was no. You're not my type. I'm not into that But i said yes guests so the next day i'm at my school. I worked in a school. And you don't meet anyone at schools especially as a woman. You did not meet any minute schools. Why that. I don't know there's just not as many male teachers are just doesn't happen most of single people in our teachers and they just. There's not a lot of opportunity in school so before he did you at this point consciously decide that you're going to say yes to things because of this job opportunity or was it just like in the moment you decide to stay in the moment so i i have a job on my mind and i was thinking should i should. I couldn't make up my mind. And before that i've been pretty decisive about things but i knew what i really wanted was to be a really great relationship and the job offers just kinda like should i just go out and do this because nothing else. My life here is not working out. I also didn't really like job very much. But i felt like i really wanted to beat somebody and so the job offer my mind and i felt like give me a sign. I need to stay here. Give me a sign that that's not right for me and then that guy came along i just said yes okay so the next day at school. i'm walking the same way. I usually walk just down the halls and this guy passes me and ask me where something is and we serve chatting and he come to school that day to do some kind of insurance thing with some of the teachers so you had never seen him before. I've never seen it before. So we start talking a little while and he tells me that that weekend him and some his church group. They're going to see a baseball game. And do i wanna go. I don't care about baseball. I don't go to church. But i said yes. Yes yes okay. I'll go and i think you just never know you never know who could be. The right fit for you. You never know what you'll learn you'll never know what you'll experience so why not. Just go in give it a try and so that kind of started the ball rolling and suddenly. I felt like i was wearing a sign everywhere i went. I was getting asked out on dates. And i'd never had more in the most unlikely places by people i would absolutely say no to so in the span of it turned out to be a month.

00:05:07 - 00:10:01

I went out with a guy who smoked. I don't smoke. don't smoke. I went out with the military. I wasn't really into that. I went out with a guy who has done. That wasn't something. I thought i'd wanna do. I went out with someone who is way too short way too tall people of different religions just that normally in my head i would say that's not my type. That's not what i want. That's not my husband. And i did it for the entire month and it was amazing because the more i said yes the more opportunities i got i mean just kept happening so then at the end of that month i kind of was feeling i felt very encouraged by but then nothing was really going knew where i was learning a lot and everyone's really great muscle guy wasn't your husband out from the while but now so that it was halloween and normally i would. I would figure out what to dress up as to get the most male attention sounds sad is true and that year of his like Just had nonstop male attention. Nothing has really really felt like anything real so i purposely dressed up. A friend of mine had just gone to morocco and bought me moroccan dress. Which is like kind of a big sack yet. So we move. Yeah really sexy. Really out of my friends are like no one's gonna flirt with you. And i was like you know what that's okay. I've just got to this whole montreal. Almost about six weeks of saying yes and this is a nice little break so it was a sunday night halloween that year and we went out my friends and i wanted to a couple of bars and there wasn't much going on surprisingly because of sunday night. Not many people in costumes so we said let's go to one more after a couple of could have one more bar and see if anyone's dressed up go to bar. People are dressed up. Meanwhile my husband without knowing he had the same conversation with his friends. Let's go to one more bar. So he went there. And so i'm sitting there chatting with friends and this These people who had a group costume they were just as cockroaches. Came in very sexy. Also gonna try to. Yeah and they were pretending to attack people they pretend to attack me. So it's funny. Whatever and then this guy was dressed as marilyn monroe and he jumped in and he had fishnet stockings the because princess. I had all these bangle bracelets on a it. So they got stuck on his fish net stockings and he didn't like that at all and i'm trying to pull them off and he's like stop it. Stop it and there's this whole scene. Everyone's watching everyone's laughing and so my husband had was dressed is a chilean miner. 'cause it was two thousand ten two lane minors and he comes running over. He has little flashlight. He signed his china's flashlight. And he says all save you and he tangles me and yeah it was fun. It was funny and then he walked away. I walked away and my friend said you should talk to that guy. he's obviously chilean. And at the time. I'd come back from spain and i was wanting to speak spanish so going up to him and i said do speak spanish and he said no i said where are you from and he said. Slovakia has like wildfire moving to bahrain. Whatever i don't i don't care so i go back to where i am in my head. I thought i'm not interested. I thought he was too short for me. I thought well this is probably not going to go anywhere. Whatever so i go back to where i am and he comes over just starts talking to me and then we start talking and talking and we have great conversation in. He gives me the other night. He gives me his business card. While and i just say yeah i might lose this. So then he says. Can i get your number. Give them my number and the next day. He texted me and he said he just moved to the us and he says it wasn't grammatically correct and he says. I don't really remember a lot about last night. I was pretty drunk. But i remember you. I can't wait to see you again. Aw yeah and mile. He was on a visa and he had about a month left and so my roommate said red flag red flag got a month left and he told me i'm going back to slovakia. I don't know how for how long you said yes. I said yes. I do little downturn of this isn't working and then i said you know what yes i'm gonna try it. Yes and it worked out. Since he had seven years he stayed. He came back about a month later. He was supposed to be looking for an apartment. But instead kinda moved out moved in didn't leave Which was fine nice. And then about a year later i said. Hey i wanna move to san francisco.

00:10:01 - 00:15:01

Do you wanna comment. He said yes we did and then couple months after that he asked him to marry him and i said yes. So you've been together for seven years married for how many years four and a half. Wow so a lot of yeses a lot and less so before you went into this. Yes mentality what was your mentality like. I feel like. I'd had just a lot of really negative experiences. And i realize now i thought it was really open minded person. I lived in lots of cities. Let the countries. I thought it was open minded realize i wasn't because when thinking about guys i thought well i want a guy who's tall and i want. I just had. These expectations of boxes of worsening would fit. And then when i started by yes mentality i would like every all different guys. A never would have said yes to and from each one of them. Although they didn't work. I learned something i learned so much about them about myself about the kind of guy. Want about the kind of guy. Don't want nine new all of that by not by avoiding them. What was something that you learned in one of them. That was surprising. I think what was really surprising to me was The military guy. I just thought that's not my type. Like i said big muscles Just his his personality wasn't something that attracted to and once. I got to know him just a little. That will change. He was so sweet he was so sweet. And so wonderful. And i think i realized really that someone's exterior. It doesn't really mean a whole lot newly presented in this very tough guy. Wait and he wasn't. He was really sweet so so i was reading this article from new york. Times by this guy named tony schwartz articles call the power of saying yes and he says starting with yes energizes create safety and trust in fuels creativity and i think that applies dating as well. I think that's partly why in san francisco people aren't so willing to approach people at bars because even though we're not vocally saying yes a lot of us have no on our faces more out in about yes but if you approach situations even with a yes in your mind you were exterior. Also that energy so he says how he learned this by going to an improv class. And we talked about imprompt quite a bit where they teach you that every time a line is fetching you your response always starts with yes and so it could be. Are you a man man. But an improv teach you to say yes. And i got my surgery in two thousand and five right so you kind of just keep on rolling with it even if it is a joke even if it takes you out of your comfort zone something you said that i think really coincides with this is that you felt like you were wearing a side. Yeah tom approach me. I'm approachable and i think that's what we all need to work on. I know there are days that i am not approachable at all. I don't wanna approach myself. It takes work to be approachable so when you felt like you were exuding this. Yes kind of energy. What was different about you physically. Did you feel like you were smiling. More what was your body language like. That's a good question. Because i felt more approachable. I felt in my. I was like come talk to me. I wanna get to know you. I don't care who you are going to get to know you. I felt that way. And i thought i was that way before i thought i was like. Oh i'm easy to approach. But i rise i wasn't. I wasn't wearing that phase. I didn't have that attitude at didn't have that behavior and once i started changing my mind about it might face entertain. My body star changed the way i talk started. Change all of it. I was just completely open in completely just ready to try and specifically can you recall what your body language was like. That's a good question I guess i would say it was more encouraging who not. Sometimes you go to bars or something. You might have your arms crossed. Might be kind of looking down not smiling at people. I felt like my body. Language was just in a very inviting open way in his not arms crossed. Daniela straight smiling looking at people engaging with people yet they say that what happens a lot of times when you approach someone a stranger you give them the half term so your body's not fully turned towards them and then you turn your head to talk to them and that's actually how you approach dogs to seem not as intimidating while but what happens is it makes you feel it makes you seem very closed off when you're half turn so they encourage you to fully turn towards the teller. Say you're talking to and another sinus you near each other's movements so they pick up their drink.

00:15:01 - 00:20:02

You pick up your drinking you drink as well and sometimes when you're in the open mindset you just automatically do these things so i encourage people to know your own body language next. You feel like you're in this very light yes mode take note of what you're doing exactly maybe it's even just smiling a lot. That's actually really interesting that you say that. Because i didn't think of it until you said that. But i remember physically said on the dc metro staring at that metro map and when he came and talked to me i would normally just kind of looked over my shoulder and been like i'm fine. I'm not lost. But i remember turning my entire body around interesting typically and thinking. Why am i doing this. I'm going to do it. I'm just going to do this. And i'm going to see what happens when he did. And those moments even though this guy didn't work out those moments of human connection that we don't normally have today. i remember being the elevator in the skies. Like what floor are you going to normally. I would just not make eye contact not turn towards in like floor one or whatever but today i was like i turned towards him. I smiled and i said four one and he gave me back does yet really big smile and say have a lovely day and made my day. 'cause that's those are just moments of connection that we don't normally have so i would encourage everyone to just take a moment to turn towards the person you're talking to a make eye contact with them without having expectations of this going romantically right acting with another human being and i've had a lot of conversations surprisingly with people i felt. I think i've come from a family very men and so i've always kind of felt comfortable around tolman and velika should be with a tall man And so like. I said when i met my husband one of my first thoughts was well. He's kind of on the shorter side. But i'll give them a try. And then as i got to know him and as i got to care about him into love him i realized that not only was i comfortable with that i loved it and i still love it. We're always on the same level when we cut when we talk when we walk in his love it and had this conversation with other friends and their single specifically said if the guys too short i won't talk to a ha- we know a lot of them. You don't understand. That might not be using the most important thing. It might not be invite. You might meet someone really really wonderful the and not only will you get over that you'll actually love it. Just don't know what that is free. That's a good point because sometimes we're so stuck in dating fatigue and what is it. What is it that i'm doing wrong. What is it about me not find the right person. It could just be that one simple thing. You can't mentally get over and for women a lot of times. Its height yet. It's a big one so after all this. What was kind of the hardest thing about saying yes album. The hardest thing was is actually the most fun thing was i had never before this. I'd never been someone who could ever understand women who dated multiple men. Because i felt like my attention is on one guy and i can't give other guys my attention but once i started doing that like i said men were falling out of the sky. It was insane. And so i would go on date after date data. It became a part time job. I had a date every day. After work. every non stop every week in four days it was crazy and so what became really wonderful about it was i didn't have the time to really obsess over anyone. And so they were all really really coming after me. I'd be on a date with one guy. One would be texting while another was calling me. And i was with a guy so i wasn't paying attention right and it really made me for the first time in my life really look at things from the perspective of not good enough for this guy. Is this guy gonna really like me. But is he good enough for me. And because i think i have been able to step away from kind of obsessing as this guy into me that's gave me that perspective. Nfl like you had options to say options could be bad but they also could be good. Yes yahu not. Just be with someone that you're hiding after you feel like you said i like this i yet and i'd never really looked at it from that perspective and it was really nice. I felt like i carry myself differently. Because wait a minute guys really got to be good enough for me. He's really appreciate everything about me and adore everything about me. He's going to be the one. I'd choose after all of this. And what was your dating life like before all this. I wasn't really dating anyone. I just felt like. I had a very different perspective. I mean i. I tried online. Dating wasn't for me. It felt very forced me also I had just moved to dc. And i realized very quickly that it was kind of a small scene. i think. Similar here where everyone's kind of interconnected and that was just kind of awkward very fast. I remember waiting for a guy for a date and running into girl. I've met like once or twice. Which is were you waiting for. It and i said my date so his name. And i said his name was with. I'm like what in.

00:20:02 - 00:25:00

So i felt like that was the online seen. It wasn't very for me and then also after that. I don't know i felt i did feel kind of closed off. I felt like i was in my own head. I felt also like. I don't even know if i wanna live here forever. I don't know if this end up. Why should i even bother. And i was projecting that without paying i had this idea in my head and it just so i wasn't dating anyone at all and negativity is contagious. You're leg you're hearing that energy with you even though you're not vocalizing people around you can feel it and they jorg it as well right. I have to say that this is way harder said than done right way. Harder done set. Is that how it goes. I because it takes energy to be positive all the time it takes energy to be welcoming. It takes energy to be approachable. So i would say you don't need be like this all the time you don't unnatural hours is but it's like i said wearing the sign. It was crazy to me. How fast it spiraled how from that. First moment when i said i'm just going to say yes to this guy right after that. It was everyday wherever i was placed all the time. The grocery store. Like i said the metro. My school i constantly was getting attention. And i wasn't dressing different. I wasn't nothing about me was different. It was just that i was exuding this kind of like openness that i hadn't seriously men were falling from the sky like i don't know how it happened. It was just a construction worker was working outside of my apartment and he'd been working there for months and certainly one logging on the stairs and he asked me. If i want to go have coffee and i said yes and i did. Not just exactly and so it. Yeah that that was what was really interesting. So is there any times that you wanted to say no or wish you had said now and you regret i think the only regret so like i said the smoker was kind of hard. Because i knew that wasn't something that was for me and ask him to quit or anything but i think my only regret wise. When i did this. I was twenty nine and i've met a guy who is twenty two. Who immediately thought. He's way too young. But i said yes and he fell kind of hard and very quickly. Wow and i felt really really sad and really sorry for how sweet and wonderful he was but it just was not a good connection and you just wanted the same life stage all right and so that i remember how sad it was like ending with him and that made me sounds almost like you felt a little bad that it was almost like Experiment for you but in a way it was kind of like this thing but for him it might've been he said for him. It was a learning experience. Say humor from that. He's twenty two years exactly now he's probably with some wonderful woman because of that's drew only had a couple of guys after be like. Oh my god like we have this really great experience and it made me start wanting to meet other people See this is how the way i say. Ninety percent of people who are walking out and about our unapproachable so that ten percent where you belong cheryl. You're ray of light for these people. It's really stand out. Just one simple silje a little eye contact and open body language. Really set you apart. And that positivity is contagious right. Well i'm found like in our member. We did the seven day challenge. More try to be more people in real life in like i found it my elevator work. People were really receptive to small talk in like having conversation. I think it was almost like refreshing to them. When i like said. Hello and smile. Because they weren't used to getting that from anyone yeah. I was shocked how much people wanted to engage with it yet. So i actually. In one of the guys i dated Was very very very shy and told me. And i've never dated anyone shy before and told me that he didn't know how to talk to women and i i think you're wrong. And so we kind of practice. It together dislike what you really helped him. And and the funny thing was this was in dc. I moved to san francisco and about a year or two after that amita friend invites meter apartment and over and she was new group house in on her fridge. I see a picture of him and it's a save the date for his wedding. Oh wow is it. I dated that guy and now he's happily married. You're welcome yeah yeah. These are all interactions and experiences. They all compound into into bigger experiences in bigger results. So i think the little impact. Think about this right. You're being selfless in some ways. The little impact you can have on someone bringing up.

00:25:00 - 00:30:07

Positively will then spiral into them. Bring that to someone else spread. You're paying it forward. Yeah he started feeling more comfortable talking to other people and the really interesting thing to think so this this went on for a couple of months the last month it was the most intense which was fairly tired at the one on for a couple of months and i didn't realize until i met my husband. He asked me this. The first date we went on he said. Are you dating anyone. And i realized when he asked me that he was the first guy who had asked me that. All guys the first one is. Are you dating anyone or anyone else. And it kind of my mind a little. But then i realized that just interesting that like maybe no one cared. I mean you know. I think that they were dating other people or maybe they were in. I don't know but there was no you know like i said nothing ever really got any very serious. We're all getting to know each other and for my husband's is area dating in. I thought wow this guy is really interested like he has asked me this. When i said yes he so i am too and i'm gonna end that right now. I said why am too and then he said. And i wanna know what you want like for what he said in a relationship and i also. I was floored realized. All of this time known asked me that never really thought about exactly that just that you know the guy was good enough for me and it really made me think. Wow what. What do i want in a relationship and i thought how he's he's really he's really serious right from the beginning because he said i want to know what it is before i can promise it to you. I wanna know that can give you that before. I promise it now. Yes so i was able to go back on everything i learned. Things didn't want things i did. Want to put it all kinds of together and say we'll we'll this. This is what. I want a relationship and it's awesome. I think obviously showed that he was in a serious place that was written. And i think also like means some of the men just might not have been there they might not have been under could have been some of them. That just like oh. I don't want to fast or do all the stuff. Yeah scare her often all that i. It's almost like a reassurance that it's actually better to like ask those questions out there yet. Just show that you're serious shows makes you stand out from this is really woke. Me up like wow. This guy is serious and it doesn't matter like i said that he assured that i wanted it doesn't matter that he might have a visa and might be leaving so he's actually really interested right. I'm just floored by how many people don't have these conversations while they're dating don't and and you know what the more you put this off this question off than the less you'll know what you actually want. Because until i someone asks you what you want in a relationship you probably can't even articulate a now rakes practice. julie said people. Don't ask these questions and you don't you don't really think about it. You know and and then when someone puts it in front of you and you think all right we'll let me let me think about it. You go back on those experiences you think about all the bad things all the good things and then you're really able to know what it is you want and feeling i told him had. I not just had all these all this. I just went through. Not only would it be harder for me to say what i want it. Definitely it would be harder to know. I feel like not. Only what. I what i need any of that you know. I wouldn't know clearly. A lot of dating advice tells you not to ask the stuff. Like it's the opposite. I know wench. I always i always roll my eyes at it. I'm like at. These are important questions of get them out of the wave burs before you invest more time and feelings into that person. It's ridiculous people. Don't wanna come off the laker to invest agency. I told someone. Today i was like. Oh you know my boyfriend. I have been talking about like when when we want kids and he went. You guys have already had that conversation of like yes. We had it in our first month of dating. These are questions that are important to me why we have this conversation. He was like wow. He must be really serious. That i'm like okay. That's the other guy i think. Just start you get used to sing. Exactly what you're feeling exactly what you thinking it. What you're thinking in either. That person stays or they go yup. Nfl go will. That wasn't that wasn't gonna work right anyway. Banner day exactly so. I think that there some takeaways here. And i want to talk about those but one of them is. You are the driver of your life. You are behind the steering wheel so if you're in a place where you're looking for something you should go out there and get it and stop thinking about well. Is it too early to this. Question is to forward to approach this person. This is your life right and if you get rejected you get rejected. That's like your lifeline. But in the grand scheme of things. It really doesn't matter. You're the drive. You're in the driver's seat. Go out there and get it. What i do want to talk about is the balance of saying yes and filtering because if people say yes to everyone and online dating they wouldn't have jobs would probably wouldn't be able to do anything lively righteously going on dates so how can people balance that.

00:30:07 - 00:35:01

So that's a good question. Because i didn't do it online. You know did it in person so it definitely would be trickier online. But i guess if if you are there's some part of you holding back and being scared you know owes person looks interested interesting. Would they really be into me. Don't ask that. don't worry about that worry about. Is there enough for you. So if you think there's someone that you might have a connection with go and reach out to them whether your girl whether a guy if you're a girl reach out to the guy. And he's like whoa. Whoa whoa. that's my role. He's not the guy for you if that's not what you want. I think cheryl made a comment about this. The smoker for you. That's like a. That's like a non-negotiable. So i think like you said yes. But if you have the situation where you can't say all the time for some maybe it's like knowing your hard fast non-negotiables in filtering now as opposed to stop height early stuff that relate the importance of the day. I think another way to do this. Is whoever has enough guts to ask you out in person deserves some of your time and if it's not if it's not a date they deserve some sort of like nice thank you. I really appreciate it. But if someone's asking you out online it doesn't take that much effort so balance out that ratio go on more dates with people you meet in real life yet versus all the yeses in swipes that you get online dating because that's passive. Anybody can do absolutely i think. Also like there's also this mentality of saying yes to every invite you get every end side of it. That's like yeah you never know. You're going to meet their agreed. Then there's also a point like you're just having a shitty day or you earn out getting sick and tired isn't really going to be beneficial to go to this event if you're not in the right mindset so maybe it has also checking in with where you are at least in my opinion. It's not really been worth it. If you're not mentally there right and to he back on that is that. I think we make a lot of us. Love to make excuses excuses for. Why can't do this. Why don't like this person why this is not gonna work out. We should use that same energy to make excuses for yeses so make excuses for this event. I don't know if i want to go to it. I'm a little tired. But i should go. Because here's some. Here's some excuses to go. This person's not exactly my type. But i should meet them. Because here's some excuses for why so. Flip your excuses to yeses and see what happens there and take an improv class. We've talked about this. In preez episodes they really teach you to to just say to everything but in a way that is still authentic to who you are not like. You're just saying yes for the sake of saying also to the events point like it kind of is similar to the non dealbreaker non-negotiables and there's an event that's just like i mean i guess you could always be exposed to something new but there's some things that you just know about yourself that you don't enjoy yeah and i don't think you should try to put like square. Pay it like a branch hall right. I think you should know yourself enough. That i'm gonna really thrive in environments these environments. I don't in the double down where you thrive right. Yeah i think you're right but also push yourself out of your comfort zone every once in awhile all right every a hard balance ya if you know. You're going to be negative at this point right really. Don't go. You know you cannot squeeze out. An ounce of positivity events stay home. you're doing everyone a favor and lake with the smoker. It was. I thought okay. Do i really dislike it as much as i think i do. Let me when on monday. Yeah it bothers me as much as i thought. Yep now you know now for you. Outbreak breaking for other people might not be it is and also when i was dating these guys. I was very easily clearly able to say as i went along very early on. This is not what i'm looking for. This is not what i want. And i couldn't believe how decisive i could be about because i was never before that i didn't know but as time went on i became more and more clear. Exactly what it was. I was ready to go to takeaways. One of my takeaways is that everyone should have this like in masses is definitely like i think yes it can get draining if it goes on forever and ever and then there's other situations going on but her sleep for me. I did like Probably six months of like me being out there on tinder in like. I think it really helped me get feel yet what i liked what i didn't just because you're exposed to so many people short period of time so i think we can all accept that is negatives with that but there's also a lot of positives that come from like this like cereal dating. It's just knowing when you hit That you're now focused on all right.

00:35:01 - 00:40:01

Which is exactly like i. I got to the point where i'm like. I need to step away from this. I need a break right. Yeah and then. When i met him. I felt like okay. Something here feels comfortable. Something here feels real. And like i said my roommates said red flag of the visa and i thought too short but i said all right. I'm gonna give a try like you said you were able to tell him why you're looking for in a relationship because you had not necessarily like a ton of other relationships you had all these like many little relationship about ice from right and i think another thing like i said another takeaway was just i think when you start dating more and more like that it is easier for you to kind of flip. The script and say is this person. I want this person so many women so many of my friends. They all sit. They're not. I don't know if he likes me enough. I don't know the don't know. That's dog. Welling okra exactly as it was just complete. I was just able to see that in such a different perspective. Like this is what i want. Can you feel i guess. Addict eight and if you can't i'm moving on yeah you're driving exactly gotta me from a brace of abundance scarcity exile really important and i think sometimes it's hard to have that mindset especially if you're going on a lot Pan out exactly what is important. Because then you're not just like taking get exactly what you deserve yet. And then the whole issue with Not the issue but dating Having a lot of dates right dating around quite a bit again balance out. You're in real life and online dates. Because i think if you go on many online dates it really fatigues you go if you try to go too many in real life dates in fatigues to 'cause you're like this is way harder so try try to balance the two but i will say this to the women of san francisco. The biggest complaint. I hear from men is that women are not receptive yet. We want men to approach. It's a double edged sword right on one hand. We're like when i go out. I wish more men would be aggressive and come up to me on the other hand when they do come up to me. I don't say anything back to them or not rejected right so if you want to be approached you want men to be more aggressive everybody. This applies to me as well. Let's be more approachable. Our open and i what you said about. It's spiraling so you not into someone you're like paying it forward because you're giving that guy confidence your to the next girl he might not have you. Shut them down completely right definitely my last week away with this in something. We talked about before on our body. Image episode is like so much of a speed on the outward appearance in like you said nothing changed for you physically it was only your mindset mentality that came from your appearance in terms of like smiling. There was no like we lost her. Like the transformation had occurred one of my tests with people. Is we get a lot of people who asked us to set them up. And my first question's always what are you looking for. If they mentioned anything superficial and their first three inhabits. I always say well. You're not ready to date yet because it's true like i'm looking for someone tall. I want them to be. You know like dark hair and i want to act grows. Only i want them lamb yet. I go nope. You're not ready today if they say. Oh i'm looking for someone looking for someone who empathetic towards my current situation. Then i know okay you know yourself and you know what you're looking toward the last takeaway away i have is. I think this whole idea of saying yes again. Takes energy takes a lot of time in effort so making you then out of it. I had a girlfriend in new york. Who would get dressed up for her. Yes days so she was save. The fridays are my yesterday's. This is a day where i'm going to look my best to go out. There smile. everybody that comes my way and make a thing out of it so you made a thing out of it. It gives you motivation. It's exciting because you never know. The possibilities are endless and also it gives you a something else to do rather than being at home swiping throughout the apps right right and then like you said if you get positive results that will naturally come with that then it kinda liked takes care of itself he i think. Also you're doing activities and things that you love. You know yourself well enough to be like. I love doing this. It's not hard to say. Yes yes and i think. Yeah exactly. Because i i never i also never changed what i was doing which was interesting. I was doing all the things. I already enjoyed i was. I wasn't doing anything different. I used to say oh. Well i work in. My field is ninety eight percent female. I'm never going to meet a guy at work right environment. I'm never going to be a guy here. I'm never going to be a guy here. I had that mentality.

00:40:01 - 00:45:00

And then after i changed it i was going the same places. I was doing the same things that i was. Meaning all these men ryan who i think some has when you're on your c yes to every single event and say yes to these like last event john. If you're like your go you're gonna go do what you're going to like because you're trying so hard yet. You're trying to like counterproductive. How to just do your do your and to that. I was also going to say you know in the beginning when i was talking about the job offer. Bahrain i have certainly i would never tell someone if they got this great job offer. There was something they're really excited about to base it on a man. I don't want to sound like i'm saying that. Because i've lived in lots of places that lived on my own something about when i got the offer i thought it sounds really great but would it really would like in. My life is to meet someone great. So i'm going to focus on that right now And hey that doesn't work. I can do this. But that's what i'm going to. I think a lot of us are like set. It's almost bad to see. That's what you want stigmatize right. I was fine to say what. It's what i want. I just don't want to send the message. That because i also felt like i did go there and i with the feeling like if i met to meet someone here on meet somebody or you never know. I mean that other piece of Book called finding your half. Orange is what it's called. And it was ashley like one of the best like dating books. I've read because it's not really dating it's basically about the radiating optimism in the whole point event is like putting out in the universe like what you want so like when you say like oh what am i looking for. It's like hiding hiding the fact that you wanna relationship instead of doing that. Being like i want a relationship what will come so. I think there's something to be said about it. Almost shifting your mind. What your appearances outwards. Yeah in a house your friends if they want. Set you up because again. I've said this before some of my friends. I don't even know if they're single because they've actually never told me that they're looking for a relationship and come to find out there like you. How come you never set me up with one of your friends. Like i had no idea. That's what you're looking for right. So this is something you're looking for. If you're looking to date someone says said out loud. Everyone could sounds a little hokey. But like yeah. But it's your. It's like if you're looking for a job right. You're looking for job. You're gonna tell everyone you know 'cause you're trying to work your network but its exact same thing in fact. I think it's even more important than finding a job. I wanna do this. Quick exercise the. Yes an exercise just demonstrate. What are you an improv class. Someone throw to cheryl as you a question you have to yes with a yes and and then you throw a question to julie. She has answered in the she throws a question to me. Okay all right cheryl. Are you super hot right now. Yes and i've always been hot. Generally do you want to get married. Yes and i want to find the love of my life. Ua ask you. That's like not me terrible to get cat. Okay you a trade mo joanne for a cat yes because i would love to have a for animal in my life that i'm allergic to said yeah. Okay let's let's go onto our question of the day. Our our question of the day comes from devon. Everyone keeps saying that. I need to put myself out there more. But i'm just exhausted and when i do go it feels like i'm just just ended up talking to my friends sometimes. Rather just lay low and watch netflix. i should mention. I'm pretty introverted. Joe get energized by people realize. I won't meet anyone by sitting on the couch. I do to meet up with people one on one. What are some ideas you have for me. Get out there but not burn myself out. This is set okay. I love this question. Because i know who thrive in one on one situations but they don't thrive in social situations. They're not like the one getting all the attention when they step into a room. But when you don't talk to them one one wonder amazing right so i would say to death in its first first and foremost. It's good that you know this about yourself. Good for you. That takes a lot of some of us are just introverted. Invest introverts. So in that in that category percival communicate this to your friends. They should know. This is not something like being a big party. It's not something that you're really into but communicate to your friends. I really enjoy intimate one on one situations so your friends may set you up on. You know blind dates maybe or to find these events where it's smaller scale those small dinner Five hundred branches. When you're only with like six or seven hundred. I definitely thrive in that situation a lot better than like the big events feeling. I don't i really do enough talking to my friends. Mostly like that. But playoff five hundred branches again like what i loved about.

00:45:00 - 00:50:06

That was that it was like six to keep also fairly small group. And you're ever of come solo so you're almost like all like in the same boat like forced to sit in have a meal together end with. There's a bunch of other different ones to or does not. just be food either like stop. That like fits. That is a really good technique hyping. Yup there's a lot of events like that now on airbnb for example like things going on around and they could be a group of three people or five right. Yeah and also. I think like you know on that right because i've never really using that bright fine events. They have this amazon model. Where if you go to one event that you like to recommend other events right just get so you find one that you really like you'll find a whole bunch of other ones. That are just related. So i will say that but then also don't avoid the issue either. I think there's nothing wrong with saying. I'm uncomfortable in this situation but i'm going to work on getting more comfortable as oh it's still a point of improvement right. You can still improve upon these things. No it's not so much. Like oh i need to avoid all all of these events altogether. It's okay just you know. Sometimes you're better in a situation where you're pushing yourself out of your your comfort zone. It's balancing it like maybe it's not doing three nights in a row. 'cause you're gonna really know yourself that you're gonna burn out in like maybe it's just like finding one a month at seems really interesting to you that you're excited about and then build up from there. Yeah it's also. I think feeling not like there are certain expectations like some people. Feel you know okay. Well i can't go out and try to meet people into i lose weight or until i get a job. Yeah till i this or this or that and so does think kind of. I can't even try. Because i'm quiet introverted. And that's not what someone's looking for. Yeah of course someone could be looking to that. All people are looking all kinds of things. Everyone is different or online's eating could be a good bet for someone that's more introverted. Because it is one on one when you actually do write them. Yeah so you might need someone. That is more introverted to or Might need someone to bring you out of your shell. And if you're aware of this which is amazing. You could tell people that i mean. If you are talking to someone online could say hey. Just say you know. I'm pretty quiet. Or i'm only comfortable on water. I'm that kind of person. Maybe that person super social they want someone super social not for them or maybe they're like oh me too. That's such a relief. Yeah also just have like a close friend who is a social butterfly. And sometimes it's great to have that person around because they can fly you around two groups and introduce you versus you having to do the work. And lastly devon i would say you say Everyone says you should put yourself out there but you're just exhausted by it so my question would be. Do you want to put yourself out there. Are you looking for relationship. Are you looking to date more. If that's the case then you need to work on getting yourself out there. There is nothing that can happen from staying at home and watching netflix. I can guarantee you that a less. If someone come randomly comes to your door josh delivery guy i was gonna say yeah. Y'all gonna love or your neighbor. Who wants to watch the exact same netflix show. The odds are really really loud. So if you want something you still have to make the make the effort make the time and go do it. Maybe it's yeah. I think we if we just like alan it having your netflix night. If you need like yet that downtime in coupling that with mayor of a night out that you could actually meet people okay. Any last words of advice listeners cited have one more also in terms of what you can learn from all this. Oh yeah I feel every day. I appreciate my husband and everything about him. Because i know what they're with how though it's so true. He's told me the same thing that had. He met me before all of the experiences he had. He wouldn't appreciate any the way he does. I always remember that. I always remember. Just how grateful unlucky. I am a never take that for granted. Because i know how hard it is because i went through. All of it wasn't reality is most people aren't going to be your match rightly other not so like when you do actually find that person. You're like okay. No 'cause i've seen it all on a have comparisons exactly by. You're so grateful for all the people that you met along the way of course definitely because they all brought me there and listeners. We are so great both for you for tuning in we would love to have you as a guest on our show again. We can always keep your identity anonymous to protect you or you can just come lake. Sheryl umbrella i'm cheryl mrs my story that yes yes. Moore's tell the universe what you want on that note last but not least stay up all your action item for this.

00:50:06 - 00:51:56

Week is pretty predictable. Come from a place of yes. It's very easy to stay in our comfort zones to be where feel safe and to stay within the confines of what we know. However if you're seeking personal growth cana change. Now's is the time to say yes to things that push you out of your comfort zone or just say yes two more opportunities in general the more you come from a place of yes. The more universe will shower you with new opportunities and sometimes those opportunities come with the possibility of introducing new and exciting people into your life and that's a wrap for season five. We will start season six in early two thousand eighteen. But until then we'll entertain you with some great offseason content. Just visit our website dateable podcast dot com on a regular basis for the latest. Thank you guys for another incredible season if you didn't know already. In our off season we launched a premium series called the y series where we dissect analyze and offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums. We've had some great feedback on. How actionable these episodes are so. Check it out on our website under the tab y series or you can now buy directly from music. The most efficient way to meet new people is a combination of lines and offline. Five hundred. Branches has your off-line covered connect over brunch. With new friends come alone. Or bring a buddy. There's always a table. Full of friendly faces mimosas and eggs benedict sign up at five hundred branches dot com and use the code date able for free entry to connect with us visit dateable. Podcasts dot com. You can also find us on facebook twitter and instagram. All under dateable podcasts.