S5E15 In Sickness and in Health

00:00:03 - 00:05:02

The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world.

This episode of dateable is brought to you by five hundred brunches. Five hundred branches connects like minded people with similar interests to meet in real life over brunch. You answer a questionnaire about your interest and how you spend your time. And then they'll match you in small groups of sixty eight at a brunch spot in san francisco get a free entry into brench now by signing up at five hundred brunches dot com and using the code date able everyone. Welcome to another episode of dateable. A show all about murdering dating a lot of the times on this show we focus quite a bit on the deed ing as getting to know each other finding someone suitable for you but today we're gonna talk about what happens after getting relationship with someone and sometimes unexpected events could happen. What is commitment really need when you connect to someone for life. Let's say or when you commit to someone for you. Think the long term. What is that really need so today. We're gonna talk about a scenario that you it's unexpected of us could have ever predicted to happen. But when you're in a relationship someone how do you deal and cope. So i want to introduce my two guests have judy and pablo. Hey guys stated quick. Hi hi judy is thirty. Two years old. She grew up in the south bay. But she's lived in san francisco for eight years now and pablo grew up in the suburbs of chicago. He's been in san francisco for six years and he's thirty three years old. So let's go with. How did you guys meet up by the way they are married on blind date year. No how did you guys meet. Yes so in twenty fourteen. Our mutual friend. A guy named chris who was in published fraternity in college. In just one of my really good friends. He introduced us. But it's a funny story because before he introduced s he'd been telling me for a while even while i was dating somebody else that he really wanted me to meet this guy. Pablo was much better for me. So i had tried to meet pablo couple months where we actually met but it turned out that pablo was in a relationship then when pablo broke up with his then girlfriend. Chris finally got us together and honestly after that first day. We just took it slow at first. But it's been a great relationship ever since so. What was the first date while our friend. Chris introduced us than took us to charity gala. Where we can hang out having fun. And that's what we really. I met for the first time. But i guess judy likes to really call her first date lunch at facebook where she was working in san francisco. But how much more cliche can we get actually worked out really well because their offices were really close by to each other and so she wanted me over. I of course wanted to get free food and it was much better than my office cafeteria so went over and I remember talking so fast. Actually that choked on my salad. And i had a coughing fit five but we were able to work past that. Listen great because neither of us had to pay. We didn't have Offers and then she sent you offer. Some snacks guessing. That's when you knew what i knew. I'm so you guys data for two and a half years before you propose. Pablo right now. Did you propose. Yeah while that was a great day so we'll to practice this a little bit like we've been talking about being serious obviously and it was not a question of if it was just a question of when judy network always pretty open about that as so coming around getting close to two years into our relationship duty started kind of not so subtly dropping facebook gaddi. What is art at wedding rings and so we kind of were was building up to this but it was on. Judy and i tell all friends about this kind of thing that i told her friends that she actually really good at long term planning. Not many people know this about her and so to the point. Where like if i want planet date or us spontaneously on a weekend. He's probably already plan something. If it's inside of says works surprise. It's really hard to surprise. It has to be on the calendar because we're pretty busy.

00:05:02 - 00:10:05

Judy is very active. Get a lot of friends through facebook. Otherwise in san francisco. Since you've been here a long time so so i had blocked off a calendar of weekend on the calendar and she was like i think i know what's happening on the friday before she told her co workers. Like i'm going to get engaged weekend as we were packing. I said don't forget the ring box public. But then i was like i was thinking in my head like what if i just threw for a loop just did wouldn't that be crazy but i thought it just be to mean the But anyway i didn't. I kinda so what i did. Was i really instead of surprising. Her about the. If i may surprise around the how on so i just told her to pack them back until we were going instead said pack bag for the weekend. Get in the car. We're going somewhere. Awesome so i took her to one of our favorite places that we went to our relationship in yawn. Del of in napa. And the saturday. I kinda planned his whole special day for her waking up in the morning going for a run with our dog Getting massages getting raunch. And then after that we were biking down a really secluded spot in his vineyards overlooking this gorgeous Row vines. And i pretend like had to get off to stop for some water and that was when i proposed there. And what was your reaction. Judy i only remember saying. Of course remember what he said and then i cried. Did you know. I didn't cry. Cry definitely so what is it about each other that you thought to yourself. This is it. This is the one for me airs. There's so much about pablo. Where do i even start. I think probably the most important thing to me though is he's just a person who will do good by other people is the only way i can put it i remember the head coach. Stamford david shaw. His wife wants said about him that he's the kind of person who will do the right thing even when no one is looking and i think that's something that i would apply to public. He just has a very strong set. Values that identify with. He is somebody who is really good friends Who is close with his family. And you think it's just one of those things when you start thinking about raising a family. That's the kind of person you wanna be with He's also obviously very easy on the eyes now and he's smart he's just a funny guy to pablo your turn yet while top that It is a slow buildup of things. I think over. The course of relationship is not one particular thing but it's a lot of little things Learning about their sense of humor getting to know them. But for me. If i could list maybe some of the top things about judy. It's really comes down to her intelligence her ambition and how good she is to her friends. I think those are the things that really. I of course are looks by those things that really stand out. I mean she's she's a bookworm. She likes the light chemicals awful discussions about politics. Those things that really heat me engage a sense of humor. Just you know day in day out. That's really what me yeah notice how. Neither of us said the other person was cool clearly overweight. So you've been dating for two and half years you go on. This great can get away with your dog and pablo proposes in. judy says. Yes everything seems great your life together at stop to start now. Something happened shortly after. What happens Where to start. I guess it's it was kinda shocking but once again it was kind of a slow ramp up so about two months after i proposed We haven't even got into wedding planning too much after proposed rexha going to a friend's wedding in denver colorado and i noticed a few days before the wedding that i had just really bad stomach pain and it was one of those things like nadya eight something wrong. Like a measure. What it is. My stomach still unsettled. They'll probably pass on sites that don't worry about it. You know a fly to denver. It'll be fine we'll go to this But then the saturday morning before the wedding it just got really terrible on so we went to a doctor and we ended up long story short. We spent the whole day in the hospital. They did a scanning me they. I thought it was a kidney stone. That makes sense like whatever. I'll drink more water next time. Nobody'll but then he's a scan to be sure and it is scan and the doctor said like you get something in your stomach and we don't know what it is So we need you here so we ended up missing the wedding And then you know managing through the bureaucracy the hostile we came home and they were basically left and they didn't really know what it was. So we came back to san francisco and adding a second opinion and the doctor said you know better safe than sorry. let's get this thing out So about four weeks later we had a surgery We got the mass out.

00:10:05 - 00:15:02

They still didn't really know what it was negative biopsy and at this point witted. You guys it was we. I mean no no one had said that they even thought it would be cancer and so we just thought he had some sort of system that maybe he was born with and that once it was taken out he would be fine. We thought the surgery was going to be the scariest thing. Yeah it was. It was kind of like a slow realization of bad things. And it's kinda just like related sometimes rolling the dice and just getting a one every time every time. Like oh your pain. It's not kidney stone your stomach Oh something your stomach and then once we got out the doctor said actually pulling on a cyst it seemed actually lot harder and normally cysts are So he was something. Abby still wasn't using the word cancer sent orders later though hoping hoping for not rolling the dice an accident actually hodgkinson boma type of cancer of the immune system. He told us that day. I still vividly remember it and we were in such shock. I mean i think i cried a little in his office but we were in such shock that both of us went back to work. We just didn't know what to do. And then once. I got back to work. I just completely lost it. People were asking me what happened so it was just one of those things where it was so unexpected because prior to that i mean people had been so healthy. We ran half marathons. We worked out a lot. It was just a crazy thing. And how severe was your diagnosis. Luckily it was not too severe so we caught it early. And that was just luck of the draw. If there is luck in the situation we had a little bit of it In fact that it formed in my stomach in place that caused me physical pain and causes define it because we found out later that most people who figure out they had this type of cancer until they experienced. Night sweats beavers. And by then it's spread to multiple body. So the tumor. That extracted during that surgery was the only on cancer found in my system. Oga at any point So that it scans and they couldn't find anything else but it didn't mean the doctor said like you know you never know. Uv oneself floating around. So you have to go through. Chemotherapy and that of started the ordeal yes. So non hutchinson as the blood cancer. It travels through the blood and so it's different from breast cancer or cancer. That's concentrated in one area because a lot of times with those types of cancers you can actually just do radiation if it's caught early enough but with non hodgkin's lymphoma because it can travel and you can have like a cancer cell somewhere in your body as it goes through the blood. You have to do. Six rounds of chemo. No matter what so. That was kind of unfortunate. I mean just because we knew we were going to be in for a long arduous journey because of that. Obviously this is something unexpected. Coast to someone and think. Oh maybe i'll tell her that. I have cancer. That's not something you expect so once. You've found out your diagnosis. What did you guys talk about in terms of planning. Obviously did you put the wedding planning on hold. There was so much uncertainty. We couldn't even do anything around the planning. I mean two months after the engagement. We were really about to start getting into like. Let's pick a date. Let's venue are figuring out all this stuff and There was so much certainty that we said. We can't do any of this so we know more will. We had and cut a check to our wedding planner at Put that on pause. Yeah exactly getting into so. It was really just like you. Can't you can't do anything. So here's an interesting statistic. That i read online. I don't know what sources but According to the article fifty percent of couples break up during cancer diagnosis. What are your thoughts about that. I mean i get it I underst- i understand is the is assisted. I'm sure that for a lot of couples. It's really hard especially. It's you earlier on in the relationship. I think. Lucky for lucky for me especially That know judy night. This really strong on and we already. You know leading up to the engagement. We already knew we were going to spend the rest of our lives together. it was more formality But you know lucky yet that we i don't know i guess i would say that we'd spent so much time Working in nurturing relationships again it's to the strength that it was at and yeah i mean. I did joke. That i was going to make a to very dark joe. I wasn't feeling too great but it was never a question that i was going to be there with paulo everything and not you know. It's one of those things where when you see someone you love suffering so much. As he was going through chemo and just watching the toll it took on his body.

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Everything else in your life becomes so unimportant and you really become like stripped down to what is essentially you and you get this very clear vision of the things that you care about and in some ways when i'm now that we're on the other side of this i think in some ways i can actually start to appreciate how that's made a stronger. And when you say during the chemo process now. Are you done with chemo chemo right now. I'm still kind of a long-term observation period. But don't want so with chemo. I mean we've read stories of people dealing with their significant other garth chemo. It's not a pretty right. it's it's extremely challenging and it's extremely I think some people have described it as like a part of your self nine with your partner. Describe what that was like. What were you seeing wit. What pablo is going through. You're just watching the person you love the most in the world go through agonizing journey and the way that pablo is is. He is so strong in so positive. I think both of us have said if it were the opposite way around it navy would have been harder on both of us because published very very strong The only time. I really saw him cry during this whole process is when he had to call his best friends and then call his parents to tell them he had cancer and he was crying because of how hard it would on them. And it's just that's just the kind of person that he is It was. I mean. I definitely think i suffered at least two mental breakdowns. During this period. I mean had times when i was just hysterically crying and trying to do it outside of pablo but what was the was the basis of these mental breakdowns. One so when he started losing his hair it was just. I can't even explain it. It was so terrible it was just like a. It's it's exactly how they describing bookstore in movies. It started to come out in clumps. And i would just touch his head in his hair would be out and so we went to super cuts shave his head ten bucks. That's exactly exactly We had probably the worst christmas we could ever have because pablo there. Like times in chemo. Were immune system is so weak. You really can't go outside or do anything so the two of us were pretty much just home by ourselves. We couldn't even see our family because on my nephew was sick in public out. Anybody who sick so it was. It was definitely a lot of like berry berry dark days. He has he got these nosebleeds. That would last for an hour because his blood clot them. He had terrible mouth sores. That put him on like a liquid only diet. He drank a lot of soil. So yes yes. Yeah i mean it was terrible i i guess i would also add from my perspective. It's it seemed to be stressful on judy or ways. That aren't necessarily expected. Like i would imagine that flipped. I would feel the same way that you want to be there for your partner as much as possible but judy also needs time to like get out of the house and like forget about this like release a little bit like i'm not going anywhere like i literally couldn't get off the couch for a lot of days so But just like even making sure that she had a friend to go to like a boot camp class with to exercise otherwise like you don't have that release And if you don't do that in you really stressful. My parents weren't town and They helped a lot with the cooking over the home meals but obviously bringing in parents like not even married yet. Rightness line right. They have a lot of stress and not like up because they're meaner bad which is because their parents here and there joining the air and this is the sierra concerned yeah exactly and in addition to the physical effects will worsen the emotional ex As you seem very strong yeah strong talking this in hindsight but worth there days. When you're so you feel so league or you feel like. I just don't have that mental capacity to think about life right now. Yeah i think I don't i think for me. I'm just positive person in general. That's always helped me and i never i never. I never spent any time talking about the negative. What if's And i think that helped me a lot through the email because if you start going down that path you just you go down a negative spiral. This is terrible. And so i think really have to focus on on the really good things good aspects. I was always so thankful that i had judy. I had my parents. I had people around me really care. We had such a great support network of our friends. Visitors coming in the ad war game nights though whenever we could so just always focusing on that positive aspect i say even though we were going through a really tough time i think we were lucky in so so many ways that a lot of people that go process just aren't and i ruined his free.

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Judy when you're going through some are weaker. Weights reverend entire process. Did you feel like you had to hide it from pablo. Did you feel like you have you know you cruise show too much weakness. That probably would have been better. I i not good at hiding anything from pablo anything go of times. Actually you know. I would stress out more i mean. He started his second round of chemo. The day of the election. And i had gone out party thinking that i was going to have some wine and it was gonna be really fun but instead i had some wine and i came home sobbing. I mean that was hard. Because papa was on the couch couldn't move. He has he had his bag of chemo. Infusions on him so he could move and here. I am like crying about the end of the world. Then i said something that a very very much regret which is just that. I was so miserable i wanted to die and i said this to my fiancee. Who obviously had cancer. And i still regret that to this day but it just wasn't even thinking so. I wish that. I do wish maybe that i had but i think overall looking back in the the fact that we were able to be open with each other helped us get through it because we could recognize when problems were starting to form much earlier on and we just did such a good job of being there for each other. What were some of those problems you know. I think i just i got. It was hard for me to feel like all of these plans we had we had to put on hold. And it sounds very petty. Now that i'm saying this out loud but you know we had planned. We couldn't go. We wanted to spend years even new orleans but inside the he was basically home bedroom tire time and pablo like he said. It's such a positive person. He always remind me like. We had the two of each other. We have each other. And that was the most important thing and i absolutely agree but it just felt so unfair to be in a position where these things that we wanted to do had to be put on hold and we're also the only one of our friends know who had to go through this. Obviously it's worse for pablo because he he had cancer. I think that was very hard for me. You know. I read a lot of books. We talked about doing therapy. We didn't actually do it because we managed to just kind of sit and talk through a it ourselves. But i think it helped me mature a lot at the end of the day to. It helped me get rid of feelings of of missing out. I guess As other people were going about planning their thanksgiving's or their christmases or their new year's trips and stuff so he are like you're only human so flake hard not to be that. I think that's a really good point. Though is especially like today especially relevant right now with our generation that people are really caught up in social media. Facebook instagram and equal. Go on all these beautiful -cations take all his amazing pictures. And if you go down the route of thinking like we don't get to have that. That's you know we're so unlucky. We know we're not getting experience. These things but i think it's so important about what you actually do. Have and how lucky we are in his all your podcast discussing down the line everywhere. Not i that you know at least for us. We have san francisco. It's great city metropolis link. We have we have an apartment. You know bank accounts like little things that a lot of very big apartment exactly. It's like times like this though. That's the you appreciate. You do realize you take well when you think about relief because we talk about dating so much on this podcast and you talk about what nitin it needs. And it's like for better for worse. Keep are so willing to say that sentence for better or for worse the most time thinking about for the better and they think about the worst. They're thinking. Oh my partner has a cold. I will bring him some check noodles. My partners depressed about work than i will. Console it's I guess we don't really think about. We're so independent. These days we think about our partners seeing quite independent and strong. We don't think about the moments when they're completely helpless and meet us so it you had to give couples or anybody doesn't have a couple people advice. On what are some earlier conversations. That couples should be having earlier in their dating life. To make to mitigate some of these leader problems that may arise. That's a great question I and we had some conversations with some of our friends to judy. Still has a lot of friends in l. a. Who are still single. So if there are any guys listening to this podcast definitely actually no but i would say that i think Sometimes we talked to them about this.

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And i think that with technology the way it is right now and how. It's changed dating that early on and a lot of relationships If you find something wrong with central partner whether some court you don't like or whatever it might be. I think there's a really low barrier right now for people to say okay. That's it like. I had this huge apply like tender matches acts like let's do this and i think that You have to be really careful. I think you know earlier early. On june i had fights about things like i was ashamed about some of the things that i did and there were definitely some things that i thought could have been a much better personnel. But we talk through it. We worked through it Because ultimately we really understood that either down the goodness in each other. And i think that it's really important to To work through those issues so that eventually you can deeply empathize with your partner and not to the point. Where like oh you're sick. All do the check lago online like this. I'm supposed to do when you're sick upbringing. Chicken noodle soup. It's like no like judy sick. She actually really likes clam chowder. I'm going to get some clam chowder like the things that she really likes. Like macaroni ruins really. Put yourself in that person's shoes. And i think that's one of the big. Yeah and i just. I also would say you know. Relationships are work. There are a lot of fun and even early on when you're still like in this. Very honeymoon phase butterflies. But even then there's still working to make time for the other person and you have to be able to say sometimes. Maybe this isn't something that i want to do. But i will do it because it's important for that other person and it can't be as me centric anymore. If you really are trying to make space for somebody else in your life. Think paul and i both just did a really good job of that I can tell a funny story about paulin when we first started dating once i was using his computer and there was this older duchess. Judy announced. what isn't there. He had taken notes of things that he liked conversations that we've been having and would save it all in so that. He knew he had to plan to this day. I still secret. I am but like if he was planning dinner tripper buying a gift things that he knew i like like he knew what my waller was and stuff like that which i just feel like it just having you know if there's things that don't come naturally to you putting that kind of work in showing that you really care about the other person is so so important. I think maybe is a good example. Some of the things that you worked through early on relationships because obviously right now we love each other so much and commitment strong. But i couldn't tell it early on you know early on there. Were a lot of things and there was. There was some friction like for example. Judy loves to communicate all the time. And like you know. I had a. I was working consulting gay billing by the hour. It was really important for me to be focused at work. But she was texting mealy nonstop at work. And i was like this and then she would get mad if i didn't within a few hours. I'm busy. I need to focus at work and like that was like one example. I think but i learned. I learned to be more communicating. 'cause i definitely could have been better at. She learned scale a basket back And so i think we compromise. What was one thing that each of you did to support that was really instrumental during this time. Anything that stood out to you to support a way lamey during your whole cancer. While i mean for me i would just say looking back on the experience in how much paula was suffering. He you know. I think one of the conversations we had early on. That was hard was that i just didn't feel like pablo was giving me enough to do in some ways like he was acting like he can do everything on his own and i was getting very frustrated because like we're going through this together i am your partner. You need to tell me what you need. And then it kinda finally just came out where he was like. I want you to live a normal life. I want you to have as normal life as possible. So i don't want you to like you. I don't want you to feel like you have to do anything. And i don't want to be a burden and i started crying because i never want you to feel like i would think that you're a burden but i think that was helpful because for me it was this moment. A pablo's doing all of this for me. He is blocking me out for his sake. He's doing it to save me. And so i was like that's not what i want. I will be here as much as you need me to be here and i think that was a good start to making sure that i was fully supporting him harbor. He needed the flip side of that coin. For me being more. Open abou- What my needs are like whatever it is and you prescription fill. I need no. I am i gatorade and release In the store rather than just like oh well instacart because it's more convenient really like she wanted to be helpful and i had to recognize that and that's important right to talk about.

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I want to be here for you. And you're thinking live your life you know. I don't want to be a don't want the you're seeing it as pushing it away at athlete. Did you guys have any really hard. Conversations during this period like for example was the topic of death ever brought up. No no. I mean I'd say never really seriously talked about it. Mostly because like i said i didn't want to just you can't you can't think about that but yeah i mean our jogger at every stage really felt like this is something pablo was able to survive in the the odds of us the survival rate for non hodgkin's lymphoma if you're under sixty five is actually pretty good especially when you catch it early. We also had brands that we were connected to who've gone through this and we're fine. They ended up having children and families and stuff so it was something we really just pushed out of our heads. I do remember crying about it once just thinking about what would happen if he did die. But it was one of those things where we wanted to fight this positively as possible and thinking about. That just wouldn't have helped anything. When did the wedding planning get back into the schedule. Once judy had figured out when my hair was go back by. That's what we planned our wedding day around. Basically so finished chemo mid february and we actually were visiting venues by early march. Oh wow yeah don yeah right back on horse this hardship change relationship duplicated say that it made a stronger placate in what way. Yeah i think we are probably one of the couples. We know that communicate the best We just after everything. We've gone through hard for us to ever argue to a point where one of us yells at the other end. We don't do that really at all. And i think we recognize that when you're when you're fighting about something when you have a disagreement it isn't about winning it's about through it together and sometimes that just means compromise. That means nobody is right. Nobody is wrong but you have to actually come to an agreement on something. I would also add that. I think that In a relationship is important to the vulnerable nine front of your partner. And i mean there's obviously various degrees of that. Right going through chemo. Unlike inching towards death is one Is pretty scary. And like almost the ultimate vulnerability and As a man you know you don't want to be that way. You want to always be the strong ones supportive one. The one who's carrying for the other but For me like opening up that way knowing that it's okay Really just obviously made incredibly strong bonds kind of what you decide like. Judy actually wanted after all that. Yeah she wanted to be their side so in addition to your incredible communication skills which five had before meeting each other or was it something you both worked on highlight say in every relationship prior to being with pablo. I was always the kind of person who would argue until i exhausted the other personalities. A joke with my ex. I could be like the sky is not blue and he would try to say the sky is blue but then i would just continue to talk until finally would just give up agree with me and i hope he's not listening. I was much smarter than i was a lot smarter than he was and also probably a lot more stubborn which is bad quality but with pablo. I found very very quickly. That he's somebody who is very smart very logical incredibly rational and would always be able to push back and keep me in line. And i think that's a really great quality to have because you want to feel like you're talking to an equal. I'm an engineer. So i don't know. I think it's something that i've developed especially lot since three plus years that we've been together That judy's always engaging conversation asking me what about things we discuss a lot and really elevated. I think my music. So judy brought the frequency of communication. And you brought the method of like it really fence. What you guys do ask. What does this teach you guys about. Love and relationships that may not have brought about more. I would say for me. The biggest thing is just knowing really really knowing that nothing in life is guaranteed. You don't you don't get to live the perfect life that you've always dreamed of you. Don't get to sit around and save. That will happen for me sunday.

00:35:01 - 00:40:00

You have to really really work at it and you have to seize the opportunities when they come along. I think that's something you can apply to a career. You can even apply that to friendships and being able to actually say we're gonna take that trip to paris or wherever that you and your girlfriends have always wanted to go to but certainly in a relationship you know. It's it's really about being able to work through things together and make a real commitment to someone which isn't to say that if they're like serious red flags traffic somebody like. Obviously there's remains to this but Recognizing goodness in someone in new real qualities that you want in a life lifelong partner and in working through all the little things the constant text during the day like we can we can figure this out and all that seems like nothing was said about fighting. It's like at this point. Your point like we've dealt with things cares juicing. Your definition of commitment has changed after this experience. I don't think by definition of women. Has i think my understanding of it has in that way sense like when you promised to be with someone forever sickness to hell right It's one thing to say that and it's another thing to be there When the chips are really really down and then to recognize that someone was there for you when everything else was falling apart. That's something that. I really changes your perspective on people that like an appreciate that someone. Someone will that commitment to you right. This is a two way street. You make that commitment to them but then realizing like. Wow this person really like you know just having a hard time book this i've now it's like hundred like when everything else was gone. They were there for you. Care for you and it didn't matter nothing else mattered. New wine did change the way i felt about it. Because it made me realize. I mean when we when papa was diagnosed with cancer my first thought was. I wish this was me and i never thought that way. Southwest and it was so just sub-conscious conscious. I wasn't actively thinking that i was just like. No this can't be. It must be me. But i've never felt that way about anyone before and i've been told that it gets worse when you have kids because yasser kids really are kind of very crazy for them and really love them or dogs. I agree with that so that was eye opening for me because it was really scary. It was like terrifying to know that. If i lost person and i mean even now i still think that if i lose pablo. I don't know how i would recover from that. And obviously people have lost their significant others dunzo but like. I don't see a path forward where i do recover from something like that and so that to me is really just a sign that what we have is very real and i don't know i'm so happy about that. And what was your wedding. Wise all the good stuff Unbelievable i in one word. It was everything we could have hoped for and more We got married in napa. Not in your bill. But someone close by We've been eyeing the weather weeks months beforehand. It was like hundred plus degrees in the whole time. Oh my terrible ever in their suits gonna be sweating but then we got so lucky day up. It was like a beautiful eighty three degrees. It was so amazing. Everything went pretty much flawlessly. Our most precious people were there Our favorite people were there assistant indescribable feeling. Almost it is what everyone says about. Their wedding day really is best. Save your life because you see everyone you love all your friends and family and they're there for you to celebrate you. That really doesn't happen ever besides that. So the up to the wedding maybe early on in the planning stages judy. I was kind of neutral. But judy was kind going back and forth like should we even have a big wedding small with our close friends. Like i don't wanna have a big wedding but what really tipped it for us. We talked about it was when elsewhere. You're going to have time in your life when all your favorite people are together in one place celebrating you and it's really you know like there's really no other time and that's that's what made us do it and it was all worth it and we recently found out that our wedding venue house Actually okay. i'll we're happy about that. We're obviously devastated for everyone. Who lost homes in everything. That happened there but you know that that was a good sign him but it's also proof that everything in life is unpredictable. Tie back you have.

00:40:00 - 00:45:10

Yeah i've had friends who've gotten married and shortly after ronin. Ben has some sort of mental illness that later came out and know that you just never know highway during after any. You have no idea but let's talk to some takeaways. There was some takeaways. Because i feel like if you can get best as a couple you can pretty much get through at so. What were some of the resources that you found really helpful to get you through this hard time. You talked about having your family. There you talked about communications feels anything out books. What books yeah Well i read a win. Breath becomes air. Which is by paul colony. The might be pronouncing that last name wrong I read a lot of depressing books about cancer. While powell was going through this and i totally see for a lot of people how that would not be helpful. But i think for me one of the most comforting things was just knowing that i was not the only person going. Yeah that actually made me feel better because it made me feel like i am not this unique snowflake where i'm dealing with this thing. No one has ever been through. But it's like all of these people have been through. Some of them have had worse outcomes. The person did die and they've managed to live and survive. You know lean experiences from that So i read a lot of books. I also honestly a google. The lot i was just like how do you take care of someone with cancer and things like that and there are. Actually you know there are good resources online. We had a great support network of friends and family that checked in on us. It was really really great. Yeah i think one of the things that judy's always been really good at encouraging me is hosting more on social media and not just putting your best face forward which you know a lot. Most people use social media for but Being vulnerable as initially saw real. It's important to be vulnerable cornea partner. But like you'd be amazed at a positive reaction. You get invulnerable on things like facebook. For example reminding of long. And when i first got diagnosed i posted and That's where actually a lot of our own. Our came from to be honest people reaching out saying like people that you didn't even know about talking about the issues that they were dealing with. And that really helps you recognize that. Everybody's fighting their own battles a. You're not alone as yeah and that you know people are there to support you like. What's the point of having a thousand friends on facebook. If not if one of not gonna like exact cook. When you're going through chemo right leg. And it's the little things and i think top also finding your stress outlets is also really important so for judy like making sure that she got out and exercised and not being studying was going through this for me Just i found especially early on in my diagnosis. When there was still uncertainty about what hype of non hodgkin lymphoma have dessert subtypes with group and there are some more aggressive highs in some less aggressive clients and that was super stressful for me Because there was a somewhat unknown. You could do nothing except for weight except waiting waiting. See some of the hardest part about Something like this and for me. My stress alad. That i found were early often was writing about it and so i started the blog and i was like. I don't care if nobody reads it like it doesn't even like just the fact that say with this out and like organize. My thoughts on paper rather than spinning at using my head over and over again was super super. Home is the reason people say journal was really how yelling. Yeah ya and you sit at some point. You considering therapy. What made you consider that as an option you know. It was just At some point they took some time off of work and pablo was really their vows. Third periods of chemo. It's three three weeks for every round and he was going through six the. There's a week the second week is really really bad where you really can't even leave the house because your immune system is so we can compromise that you have to eat only home cooked meals and you can't eat anything raw and just it's an pablo's also very very weak because of his immune system is depleted and so you know i felt this. I felt like an obligation to want wanted to stay with him. During this time so i took time off from work was with him but i think it was just. It was hard for us because we were both in this situation where there was not really much we could do. Pablo couldn't do anything. He felt so weakened so tired. I mean he was having trouble going from the bed to the couch. Which is like twenty feet twenty feet from each other And i couldn't do anything. Because i couldn't take the pain away. I couldn't share the pain. I was just watching the person. I love be so incredibly helpless anything that really hurt our ability to communicate at some points. I mean it just kind of just broke down and without either of us being able to support the other. It was really really hard because we were both so just in kind of like very sad places and so we started talking about going to therapy and we looked at people who would be like this kind of like disease suffering type therapists but ultimately when we thought about it really.

00:45:10 - 00:50:01

I think we can just work through this. The two of us just talk then. We'll try to work through this and that was something that we said to each other was. Let's do our best to work through this but if we still feel like we're not going anywhere then we will go and yet can appointment. Did you look support groups. Not really no. I would say no just because through our network we actually had people that a one person for example at literally gone through not hudson's and beaumont treatment maybe just a few months before me and so i was talking to him talking to other people who were researchers studying nhl and and so we kind of had our own little internal support which requires to go. Navy meetings Which was really helpful. I find that a lot of times any using go down this internet rabbit hole online information and this is worse than i thought. Doctors actually tell you not not to do so. They recommend that you seek to other people who've gone or i think that applies to everything in lyon better to hear from someone who's been through it versus going on the internet and just trying to find everything you possibly can you freak yourself out. What they're going through exactly now not be the same thing. Yeah yeah let's get through some Takeaways i think we talked about some of them and but for me commitment. Is this word that we've been trying to explore the season on dateable. What does that. Because i think even a lighter of an issue with the like you're saying when it comes to dating people are disposable so you swipe away of swing one deal breaker one rhetoric onto the next person. What us commitment really need to you. The listens because everybody has their own definition. I guess to me listening to the story. Listen to what you guys have been through. Commitment is about putting yourself second to your partner being selfless and knowing that you're in the situation together being team all the cliches you could talk about but only those words you know people say them so easily but what does it mean to be on the same page in same team your partner and what does it mean to say. I would rather this happened to me that my partner. I mean that's really compelling for you to say and very selfless or you say too so i think we need to think about commitment. How committed are you to someone to put yourself second to them to think about them to be thoughtful about what their needs are and also to to keep track of the things that they like. And maybe it's not you know in writing down back third of what your partner wants to me. That's called investing in your partner. And the more you invest in your partner. The more you feel compelled to be committed to them right with anything in life the more time you spend on them the more you're committed so having that record of likes no do you have a you have some sort of record of what she's smart she's at the right. I mean i think the other side of it is importance of having that partner that will support you like judy. You could have been like this is too much for me. I'm going to go with my girlfriends. But that wasn't who you were and this is obviously committed to it but having that person you said one of the things actually letting them help you think that was a huge part of it. Yeah novel yeah. That's huge in any partnership being vulnerable in a in a relationship. What does it mean. It's not about showing weakness on. I think sometimes we stigmatize vulnerability as a weakness. It's about showing different sides of our. And i think we hear this over and over again that you're supposed to go through honeymoon period relationship. You're supposed to be happy. Go lucky your first two years after marriage. Well guess what. It doesn't always happen that way and we should see these moments of hardship or problems issues that come up as opportunities to deepen your vaughn may each other so instead of waiting them or running away from them. We should tackle them a very optimistic way and learn from them. And i think you guys said a to. In retrospect it has helped your relationships anything else any other takeaways anything that you can offer to our listeners. Who may be going through similar situations a to savings again. Doesn't this put everything in perspective for listening to take away the guy that didn't text me back in.

00:50:01 - 00:55:01

You know to forget who cares sprite. I would say the thing that has really stuck out to me. They're all this is even with friends and certainly in a relationship. It's so easy to be there for somebody when they're on top or when they're happy or when good things are happening and you think about how many birthday party is. Or how many weddings and all these things you've been able to attend. It is so so important to be there for the people. You love when things are going well and to just show up and be present and i think those are the kinds of friendships that we won't forget now that we've been through something like this and we certainly won't forget that of each other but i try to make an extra effort now if i see somebody who's you know posting on facebook and is suffering texting me something like those are the people that i feel like. I make an extra effort to say. Hey i r. I care and i will always be here if you need to really good point. This doesn't have to be something necessarily epa stating her shatter. It could just be like. I'm not having a good i'm gonna be there. I wanna listen. I will right. I mean i was super lucky to have judy going through this but i think that the lessons that we took away from it don't necessarily have to apply to you. Know your partner in life They can just as easily apply to your closest friends and being there for them. The horrible with them reaching out for help when you need it is super important and unlike fostering those relationships with your friends will make us stronger when something that happens to you and a super or actually sparked another take away from the and this applies dating and your friends has well. It's says sometimes we listen to your partner speak. Maybe they just want to be listened to. And i think a lot of times when we are engaging conversation. We're so concerned about Offer right it's like that. First day i got a one up this person. I got an offer something interesting impressive and you know what most of the times you pull just want to be heard right and having a bad day. I don't need you to offer me any advice on how to make my day better. I just wanna be hurt. So i think that's one thing we can really take into our lives and i think a lot of people sometimes like especially with like cancer. I don't know what to say. I don't know what the right do he's not gonna be there and there's a lot of people do think away in. It's like what you're saying just listened like you don't have to know how it feels is you're not gonna know feels like instead of like trying to fix it for them just listened her and listeners. A home we're listening to you too. I think it's important to know that you're never alone in what you're going through as someone else can offer their support vice so tell us what you're going through and chances are we can offer some source of community and our network and show you that we're all going through similar battles together so tell us your stories. Tell us your us your questions. Tell us conundrums you're going through. No problem is ever choose small and you can do that by contacting us through email or website and last but not least stay up all your action item for this week to exercise more active listening being a good listener. Exactly that to listen but we don't always do that. There are two common ways. Attention ruined the experience of listening one. Is you offer unsolicited advice. Sometimes the person who's speaking isn't seeking advice. Maybe they just one event second. Is that you related back to yourself. It's natural to want to show empathy and say things. Like i know exactly what you're going through because i went through similar thing myself. But that actually undermines the speaker the fact is no two experiences are exactly alike person. Talking wants to have their experience validated. So next time. Someone's talking just listen digest and then ask. What would you like from me. Do you want advice. Do you want me to share similar experience or do you just want me to listen to you. If you didn't know already in our off season we launched a premium series called the y series where we dissect analyze and offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums. We've had some great feedback on. How actionable these episodes are so. Check it out on our website under the tab why series or you can buy directly from items music. The most efficient way to meet new people is a combination of online and offline five hundred branches has your often covered connect over brunch with new friends. Come alone or bring a buddy. There's always a table. Full of friendly faces mimosas. An eggs benedict sign up at five hundred branches dot com and use the code date able for free entry to connect with us visit dateable. Podcasts dot com. You can also find us on facebook twitter and instagram. All under dateable podcasts.