S4E8 Love in the Airbnb

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The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world.

This episode of dateable is brought to you by five hundred brunches. Five hundred brunches connects like minded people with similar interests to meet in real life over brunch. You answer a questionnaire about your interests and how you spend your time. And then they'll match you in small groups of six to eight at a brunch spot in san francisco. Get a free entry into a french now. By signing up at five hundred brunches dot com and using the code date able. Hey everyone welcome to another episode of dateable. A show that opens up a candid conversation about dating in san francisco. I've got a couple In the studio it's funny with couples. It's always a dynamic when you see them in person versus when you see them individually. I know lee. And i've never met her husband chris but i know all about him through previous stories and discussions and girl talk that. We've had just a little backstory about both of them so lease been in san francisco for six years. She's in her. Thirties and chris is also in his thirties. And he's been in san francisco for like a year and a half so not that long kind of a newbie. This the best part is this is high met lee. She and i met on a china's number one dating show. Okay it's called. you're the one zero. Your is early doral your is. This is like four years ago three years ago. Something like that. It was filmed in beijing right outside of beijing. And i shit you not. This is the most watched reality show in china and they had the special edition. Do you know about this. Chris partially okay. Well she didn't tell you how famous we got. No watch the most watched relation six gazillion. People watch these episodes so there were four special edition episodes for chinese living abroad. And this was the chinese living in the us edition so we met on this show. And when i moved to san francisco leeann. I kind of hung out. We went rock climbing. And she's like. I have to tell you about this guy i've met recently so let's start there. Tell me about the guy you met. Yes of quite a story. Because every time when i talk about it people were like whoa. This is so amazing. So actually met my husband chris through lives. Who's right next to you from airbnb. Okay so Years ago when. I actually started hosting airbnb when i moved over to so ma and the reason why i started was because i realized the living costs was just so high and i decided to. I live in a loft and decided to run downstairs yet. Why no and then so it turns out it was working really great and was able to cover most of my expense in the house which is awesome perfect. I was just happy. you know. Hosting a lot of people come to scanning senator having conferences and a lot of professionals. And i do make sure that you know. Check their their linked their face move everything online before they they moving for short-term i got killing during dream force. Yeah killing exactly. I didn't get to colorado september. But yeah so. Chris was one of the guys. I wasn't quite sure that i went onto his facebook pictures and he looks like a legit guy. Soobee fairest. zero killer is not going to post pictures of him in mid profile. Okay so you know he's gonna look pretty normal to write short a key. Part of it was like that. I mentioned that. I am Visiting to go to the the apple developer conference. I think that was kind of what made it seem a little bit more legit. It's just one of those nerds now. From what i recall when we spoke. You said this guy. Just looked pretty harmless. Harmless really really harmless puts a big smile on every picture. So i was like i could not say eventually after seeing all the pictures were attracted to him. They some photos space. I always seem why he was too.

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Nice track kirby as that of course also look at their facebook pictures and sound like nice so i was. I thought she has a associates smiles on nearly every pictures. He has on there. And i think she has like i thought she has a pretty genuine smile and looked like a happy person and so she looks nice. That's that's that's a good host so of you expected this to be some sort of hook up to actually like she's ever motivator money and home so continue so i sent him my address and he the day. I was totally at home with my pajamas. I was. I was relaxed. I was prepared when he showed up. I knew he was going to be there. Just like one of my other guests. So i was relaxed and he ran the ball and he was like. Hey here i and also i. i don't mean to interrupt you but there are some We spoke you gave me a little bit insight into where you were in life and at that point you were down on dating right. Oh yeah kinda like giving off like whatever. Yeah alec exactly. Because i in the past my boys and like i'm used dating apps. Nothing really worked out. I wasn't sure why. And it's just you know. San francisco is such a city where everyone's just so busy and they don't have time to invest in relationships. That's sort of my conclusion. And i was like i'm busy too. I'm just gonna stay single and see what happens next in your pajamas along. I wasn't dressed up. Which i kind of regret it when i was and christians because in in person he looks different from the pictures. So you were pleasantly surprised. I was surprised that was like this. He shows up as a really like nice gen gentleman who looks like fit okay and he said when he came to the door at the door and said this guy is hot and what did you think when she opened the door chris So yeah. I mean that's all the pictures before taught. Yeah she looks really nice Like a happy person and Definitely good looking so first night we went to dinner together. Because i didn't have anything to do. And i wanted to stay awake because of the timing time adjustment and i think there's like a of course well actually before dinner so i drove chris to tenderloin my favorite tyrod in there so i parked my car. There and chris achy. You went around the car and pick out from the driver's seat. And i was like oh this is so sweet. We start walking to the to the restaurant and so weird guys approached us on the way and chris and that guy was approaching from my side and chris immediately run over to that side to protect me so that i think that event was like a gentleman light. Yeah the gentleman like action actually was like sort of set my expectations higher for this guy. I mean like really really good impression after that you loved is that when the sparks started to fly for you i think so for me. Yeah okay and chris. Do you remember doing this or this is just yeah i remember that. Yeah it's it's of course was a little bit natural because like i think it's just yeah if i'm with whoever with a girl woman ever and there's potentially someone approaching i just it's it's it's just natural for me to kind of i spent size and i make sure that that's She's on the safe side and win dead the attraction. Start for you. I mean yeah. I also really like slightly attracted when i saw the facebook pictures for the first time and then when we all yeah when we started talking more and i really liked her and That was pretty quick. That will actually on the wednesday. Then i yeah. It wasn't a wednesday so so we were Snow time so we wanted to go like all those parties happening around a conference and Also thinking about going to parties with friends actually and Yeah so we be mad.

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Plans to meet up with my friends and with her and her friends and yeah turned all that her friends bailed out so it was only heart so we picked her up twenty to a pocket pocket gamers party. Yeah technically the whole evening there. I only spoke with her wine involved. And so yeah so the actual kiss. Oh so fast forward so we so we then walked over to. After the party was over we walked over to the marriott hotel because she's said oh yeah let's go to. The marriage is a nice view there and we can have an last drink there and then go home and so yeah we all went to the myriads so we already were holding hands ready hand. Yeah issue. the hand holding. Chris was it. Yeah on the way law. But i think it was also pretty much needed because you are out of necessity. I don't know what you could have made the way you're on your own worship just pretending remaining smart one your yeah yeah and then it actually happened like in the marriott hotel like with a nice view over san francisco. How did you guys partways so we said okay this kind of it so we both kind of like thought okay cannot just leave it like this is This this has to have like a like a next episode and so we. We make plans to say okay. Let's let's meet up in new york. So i think it was was my idea kind of right. So yeah. Let's meet up new york maybe in five six weeks or so and Yeah well actually. It was pretty funny so She had on her whiteboard to do was written down. And yeah i was alone in the lofton said okay. I cannot just leave like this. And so i put on her to list another to do meet with chris in new york and at any point in all of this did you stop and think this bat shit crazy. We'll actually talk about it on a daily basis. So we're like this is so crazy it's not gonna sustain but ends up like we ended up even though we're thousands of miles away. We started calling each other whenever we had time texting. Ashby were happy for facetime. So this is like what's suppose really great so we could still even being so far away could get to know each other better and like siege. Other kind of that definitely helped and i was kind of in a phase of my life. There was pretty open to anything pretty much anything so if he would have met me few years before i wouldn't even have thought about moving out of the city i was living in but at that time was like open to anything and i was already doing like things that i usually didn't wouldn't do go to the random seminar and fly to london just a week later or something. It was pretty crazy but but it felt all pretty. It felt felt also right so what happens in york tickets to new york. Yes new york was pretty much the event we kind of agreed to have our second officials second date make it a break it. Let's go to new york and decide on whether or not we're gonna be spurs with each other because you know. I see a lot of roadblocks about like especially the distance. And there's no way it's going to work out. And i can't meet him every so often right so that was my concern talking. Today's days and so we might in new york and we're so happy to signage on her like three months after it was threes five. Okay so we you're hanging out like in the city and we had like multiple days. I really i think just one night we were. We both had like some beer. And the german brewery in berkeley. And then we we. We started crying not we was crying so she was actually. She had like a lot of doubts. About how we could make this work at all. And i was giving her all always multiple scenarios how we could make it work and say hey you can come over like for have this visa-free travelling from can i can i can.

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I can stay for ninety days. I'm a freelancer. I can take some time off. It's totally fine than me. Figure it out but at this time at this night she was just everything was coming to honor her she was she she says i okay i i just cannot handle it. I don't know how we how we make this work. I think that was yeah. It was that was the first time that I told her that. I love her and that was pretty much. Then also i think like key to say okay. Yeah she felt the same and Re both this new york. She was crying and we went outside a little bar. And yeah i. I opened up to that. I i mean it was kind of obvious that that we had like a good chemistry before but this was the first time that i said it and she said it too and i think that was when we both strongly felt okay. This is worth it and we have to make it happen and she also gained a little bit. More confidence about daffy can make it happen. I was serious about wanting to make it happen. And yeah can i say question. Was it about the first meeting that made you have the instantaneous. Feeling of loving someone like that quickly. I mean i would say like the part here. It was already crazy. And be the kind of fella bit bit. But i would say that was just like a star not so that that that'd be that it was okay i i met the partner for life so i think we both didn't have like this super extreme feeling right away here in san francisco. We both knew okay. It's worth exploring so that that like really intense part happen in new york so when we really we would. We saw each other. We were like super happy and I mean we. We had this time between san francisco and And then new york also get to know each other way way more over facetime calls and such and i think that was like really. We had multiple dates in between but just virtual dates so and so it was just pretty much convinced and by fast paced but also development. It was not like okay for sight. And we're gonna marry the next day. I mean okay became four months so but still also combination factors where you lee you. Were in a state where you weren't that satisfied with your dating life right. You weren't prepared you weren't. You didn't think you were going to meet someone so when you least expect it chris. You're in a time of your life where you were looking for a change. You are open to basically anything right kind of like taking that next step or taking a risk so those two factors came together so perfectly. But i think we're getting at too is i want to hear about the external factors because there were some conflicts in some. You know you knew some of your friends. Some of your fam- lead were very suspicious of what was going on. Yeah i actually got a lot of almost. Everyone was against head because just from hearing it. This is not something that is solid because because they're like oh what if this guy's a scam and met from european be. This is a really random and you don't know he's friends his family don't know anything about him just what he's thinking it so that's the only question that people started asking me about. They're like this is wrong. I think i'd tell people that if you meet him. You probably think otherwise. Just because chris is really genuine person and fill it just from conversation with him and i trusted him a lot when i met him and chris. What about your friends and family. What did they think easy. So the thing is My my friends and family they they know me so i'm usually not not the guy that does some super crazy out of the ordinary things so and if i say like okay i met someone and i half like this that plan then it trust me so that trust my judgment that trust that i know what i'm doing and also i'm also not that of a risk taker so i figured out it's not a risk at all so even like selling everything like clearing all my apartment and leaving everything behind and Condensing my belongings to three suitcases. Didn't seem like a risk to me. It was just actually something that felt really great To good rid of a lot of stuff and such thought like okay what could happen so this feels right and if it doesn't work out i take my three suitcases fly back and continue so i didn't.

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I didn't have anything to speaker. I could have started again or continue to work as a freelancer. I would have gotten a new a new apartment new stuff. It only things that i was giving away so it was all fine so in. That's kind of part of my life. Air just really didn't really care about things that much. So that definitely helped to make it easier for me to make such a step and yeah and the conclusion of your new york trip. What do you guys talk about to be. Had like this initial plan of me just coming over the tourist and spend time. And i'd do that remote work and such but i think you brought it up. I don't i don't actually remember the exact part of the conversation but you said maybe you should get married so it was like in the middle of conversation and it was not who say well. Yeah why not and. i don't know this was once thought was in Our plan for doing the tourist part became more and more plan. The and getting married became more eight. Because i feel like. I'm more of the practical person. Like how how is this is to work. I try to seek for results. Like how do i get this work. It was definitely risky to unofficially propose to get married from the women's side but thought yeah why not since quizzes software engineer he belongs to silicon valley isn't and it's it's probably going to be better if she finds a job here and is going to be like more sustainable solution for the both of us. Let them why not then. I thought the only thing that was that was that we needed to software. Was he's status. You want so it was like yeah. Maybe i can. I can talk about just ship him from germany to here and we can talk about the rest later because because that's like one thing that that is blocking us to stay with each other for a long time so then why not just remove that and then yeah but this sounds like so practical now so the thing is it sounded practical in the beginning but actually for her in the process. It became less practical because like she. Of course getting married is a big step and she had like i think every girl has probably like dreams how she wants to her marriage her her wedding to be and that she had that to end the closer. Today came the more. Was you little bit like emotional about. I wanted to get married in spain and wanted to do this. And that this is like and say okay. So there's like a little bit romantic missing. And so i tried to so there was not much room to get romantic back in but that was a little bit room. So and that's what i used then So we knew already the dates and everything and so i figured out came. I just tell her. I arrive on that date. But i actually planned on arriving earlier. I connected with her best friend who also the net at that time so plant everything and say hey. Can you help me. I have this idea. I want to arrive earlier. I want to like lure her to a random to like a nice place Want to propose officially even if we have done it kind of already on the phone. I want to have like the real thing and i want to have a little bit more romantic. And that's what we did. So we lured her to the pedals. fine arts and Yeah but actually. I was waiting there. Already i was on the phone. Fifteen minutes before that Giving the impression. I was still in germany and when she was arriving. There's i yeah i was hiding behind a tree and the photographer was distracting her and then she turned around and i was there so and then okay so that happened in september of last year. Yes and then. Recently you guys went on sort of like honeymoon exactly one year later. That's your fixed. Official wedding was exactly a year later because because we had to have. Chris settled in in san francisco and we didn't have time to inform everyone that we actually got married. Your husband exactly. But i think so. I wanna talk about some takeaways with your story. One of them is again. Timing is huge. We see it with a lot of couples and also just you know when you're not looking they disappear your doorstep in you know they come through any ways possible through airbnb through some sort of stork. That just delivers them. I mean it's. I love hearing that chris was in this mindset of being open to anything.

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I think that's a great way for people to get to know themselves and just to explore what can change their lives right. If you're at that place where you're like. I'm complacent where i am. I been here for a while. I've been doing the same thing. Get in the mindset of. Hey i'm gonna go and do something crazy and if it changes. My life changes my life. I'm gonna let it do that. The reality is this would never come to where it was being more is opening right absolutely the takeaway i have is everyone's practical. Everyone's little rational and they they think about what if what if what if i guess what i'm taking away from. This is just do it. Then you'll know what happens right. You never went to new york. You would have never known that you were in love with each other. We're falling in love with each other. If you never friend it around on facebook you would have never known that this would be the of your life and now we have a question of the day. Julie so this is coming from jessica. And she says i met my boyfriend's six months ago and then had to relocate to australia. We're having trouble keeping everything going being long distance. Do you guys have been the advice of how to maintain a relationship. Long distance. I think for long distance like mentioned. I wasn't confident about it because of the distance. And because you don't get to see this person quite often so I think one thing that chris it was actually really impressive was he actually follows through from every channel he could reach me everyday so he texts me whenever he gets a chance. He reports about like he tells me all the stories about his friends around him. He tells me everything happening. So i i let you felt like i was actually living right by him as fully integrated and emigrated. I know about his family and friends. I know about all of their names. Even though i have never met any of them so he actually was really really good at following through so i knew skype with his mom. Right pretty idealist. Got with his family. He was open about. Hey this is my girlfriend. Meet my family. My friends and their names are this. And that so i felt like part of it so i think that was important. And you're going to have to do it every day and that's going to keep it fresh and keep it going on so challenging was for sure like the. Yeah the time difference that we had so the nine hours but also that i mean i just i just did. My both are mainly. I adjusted like my mind. My skated a little bit. And i woke up crazy early All went to bads pretty lades. So sometimes both so to just like maximize our overlap that we had in time and it was like she just said so. We kind of followed up with each other and it was like okay. You come come home and usually you come to your left one and you say hey. How was your day and what you are doing and so you we kind of try to integrate each other in our lives and and it was. She was even if i was away. She wasn't very big. Part of my daily life. And i'd try to arrange everything around that and i think that's that's something that can definitely help overcoming this obstacle off the long distance so this is definitely nothing that can work for. Probably i would not say definitely not but it's probably difficult to have those this over multiple years but over a couple of months or a year i think if you just stick to it and And and show your appreciation and liked. Include your partner even if he is not physically there. I think that can work. That can definitely Yeah make make it work and Keep it keep it lasts While you are part so two lessons we would have for anybody about to enter into a long distance. Relationship is one you have to give it your best. If it fails at least you can say. I tried my very best right. That's fully integrating the other person into your daily life and the second lesson We're hearing is you have to have a time line. You need to know. This is not sustainable forever. So when at that time. When is that deadline. When you're going to move you're going to move wherever you are so had those two pieces of advice in mind and you should be able to do just fine a long distance right okay. Well i'm gonna wrap this up. This is such a great story. Thank you guys so much for coming and telling the story. I haven't heard entire story. I've only heard the beginning. So this is great to know if you want to watch episodes of me and lee on the dating show have those episodes but i'm not going to post them anywhere you just have to. You and i will send you a private link listeners at home if you have a cool interesting shocking interesting story of your own Let us know contact us.

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We love to have you as a guest on our show. We can protect your identity. We can protect the identities of the people involved in your story and on that note. Stay all your action. Item for this week is to focus your energy on making something work versus focusing your attention on all the things that could go wrong. There are some things in this world that are worth fighting for. Even the odds are stacked against you. These are also the moments that define who you are as a person and what you value the most in this world. The most efficient to meet new people is a combination of online and offline. Five hundred inches has your offline covered. Connect over brunch with new friends. Come alone or bring buddy. There's always a table. Full of friendly faces mimosas. An eggs benedict sign up at five hundred branches dot com and use the code date able for free entry to connect with us. Visit a podcast com. You can also find us on facebook twitter and instagram. All under dateable podcasts.