S4E14 Going with the Flo

00:00:02 - 00:05:00

The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world.

This episode of dateable is brought to you by five hundred brunches. Five hundred branches connects like minded people with similar interests to meet in real life over french. You answer a questionnaire about your interests and how you spend your time. And then they'll match you in small groups of sixty eight at a brunch spot in san francisco get a free entry into a brench now by signing up at five hundred brunches dot com and using the code date able everyone. Welcome to another episode of dateable. Show that opens up a candid conversation about modern. Dating the reason why we love interviewing couples so much on this show is because it's sort of a summary of all themes that we see on on our episodes some of the things we see our timing perception. Do people really change. And also just how do people get together. How do people who are mere strangers find each other in this universe and say. Hey i want to be with you. So we have a couple in our studio today flow and dylan background on dancing flow right dancing flow and dylan here. Flow has been in san francisco for seven years or is only from raleigh north carolina. And she's twenty. Eight years. Old and dylan has been in san francisco for only three years from originally from arizona. He's twenty six years old. But let's start with you flow because you're the one that wrote in and gave us a little summary of how you guys met. It was back in about march of twani fourteen And i had just broken up with a previous and so i was kind of like february so i was kind of like in. You know valentine's day slump. Yeah like coming out back like hatching into the world again. Fresh coming out to the world like phoenix phoenix literally. Dancing in the park at a silent disco with my friend antonina and dancing dancing. I'm a dancer. I all about dance. I even have a podcast about dance. A production company that is centered around down. So i was there dancing in my in my zone and i didn't really notice still in but i kinda did 'cause weren't that many people there so definitely like picked up on. Who is there. And i kind of remember him and his friend chris being around Done dancing. i took my headphones back. And and he was there like by coincidence air quotes and we talked for like a few seconds. But then i think. Because i was you know zone where i wasn't really that meeting people and i was like trying to get somewhere. We didn't end up having like a very long meaning. We'll conversation we definitely didn't exchange contact information or anything yet. Guess from my perspective. I was there with my buddy. Chris and what i guess you'd call my wing man the way at the end of the sound disco. You have to deposit ear headphones back to the same location. So i was like you know. I'm be slide. Just kind of go hang out by like the little station and august. Wait for this kilo blogger to come by and drop off her headphones so you noticed flow. Oh yeah okay. Let's go back to that. So when you saw flow went through your mind. Well flows known as dancing flow. And she's there in the park dancing like a wild woman not crazy but she's definitely let everybody knows that she's the best dancer there and I was really into it. So then what happens. So then three months go by and phone odell soul and i was with my roommate who had just started dating my other roommate and they were literally we're drinking beers and the beer section fano dull soul and they were like starting to like make out. Oh comedian very convenient. I was totally third wheeling it and then this girl runs up behind me like taps on the shoulder. I don't even see her coming soon. The shoulder tiptoe turnaround. Where's your surprenant kin- who is girl that she was really sweet. Harmless says all talk to her. And then dylan walked up. And i was like their friends. She's probably his woman. Oh that's why this girl came out of nowhere and like tackled me so because i was wondering what gives you like. What is this about so right before. I was about to leave dylan piped up. Because he had barely gotten any words. This guy friend.

00:05:00 - 00:10:01

Ashley had been talking to me like incessantly ever since the shirt com compliment and sh- He piped up he was like what i remember is he was like. Hey like was really smart. You really no no just super flat like love to take you to dinner. I mean just like confident and straight to the point. That's pretty ballsy. Very ballsy hails. I'd love to get your number and take you to dinner sometime. I love that. And that was really attractive. And i was like whoa. Where did that come from like. This guy barely said a word the last hour but like that's really cool. Dylan's are really amazing person. But he's not like the flashiest type of person which i think is a good quality. Is that what you're normally attracted to know. I'm normally attracted to the flashier guy. That's what i meant to attract the opposite someone with similar energy as you. Yeah the last couple of guys. I dated where more like me which is fun but didn't work out and was actually really painful and difficult. So i was kind of thinking to myself like. He's not really like exactly what i would have thought i would go for. But he was really nice and he was very respectful very confident and i wonder why not. He's going to be offered to take me to dinner. I'll just go. You know so i did. I went i guess. I'll backtrack to my friend ashley. She looked at me like dead in the eyes and she just looked around and she said you're single. You're a good guy. I can get you any girl at this festival. And he want just pointer right now right now i'll put any girl. I'll get you right now. And i go. Oh that blogger over there. I've definitely dancing her and talk to her before. And before i even got a word into like briefer unlike the situation on tackle he just bought tackles flow. Is ashley available for hire very viable business. Woman for the tackler will the tackler. He deserves a lot of credit. So you pointed at flow. She go tackles flow. Brings her back to you. And there's not much of an exchange between you guys. We sat on the grassy spot. We talked but i was like feeling a little awkward about it but then we stood up and we went back to the bay area. And that's when i left and that's when you asked now. Why did you feel awkward. I could tell that he was interested in me. Not like in a weird way or just like in a. This is a nice guy. That's interested in me. And i'm not sure i don't know this person. I'm not sure you're like how i feel so there wasn't much of an immediate reciprocation from you. I would say there is little to none. I feel like it was a very very slow start and we took it really slowly. I feel like we did like three or four dates before before got together sex eight over like a month and a half later but we both been traveling still like we saw each other like every other every week and half ish for like a month and a half. Yes really important. Everyone knows that was different about us. Those that both of us were doing like the online thing at the time and so we were just very used to this fast. Paced high turnover high volume dating that. I think both of us may be intuitively. We're thinking let's take this relationship differently. And i think that Helped bunch in the long term. The main thing was that we we both met To really like kind of indie dance party things. And i was like oh this girl knows about like the cool shit like she's just in the scene and it was like i wanna get to know her because of like the environment. I'm meeting your in rather than like when you're Meeting on like a dating app it's very sterile and like you maybe see like oh. They like the same artists they like. But you can't you can't get as much as from when you're like in a real environment surrounded by other people more tangible things you can grab onto so when you first met flow or at least the second time you met flow. Did you get that sort of. I want her to be my girlfriend vibe. No actually in even in our first real date after that i was very scared because flow just had like a very stressful day at work and she was like fifteen or twenty minutes late to date and i was like almost like. I don't think i'm even gonna stay at this restaurant. I think i'm the leave. And then she came in and it was great but then like i could feel that she was very stress from whole and that she would bring that kind of like stress into like our first date kind of like. oh maybe she's like So at what point flow. Did you start to have more traction towards dylan. I think it was the second date.

00:10:02 - 00:15:12

Yeah we went to the mill. The pizza on monday nights. He just looked really cute. Hit on this great like green shirt. Look straight in green. He was standing outside the mill. Waiting for me and i was like i was cute. Am i interested in it. A friendship and i walked up this cute. Yeah i think he's cute now. They knew he was When i saw him again i was like no. I think he's cute. I think i'm like kind of attract attracted him and then we sat down. We connected so much better that that date even like on music and like we both felt comfortable in the space was my turf and he was like fitting in to my world. I felt tracked him. I think we kissed that night. No we did. Because then we went back to your apartment and We met your roommate at the time. Sergio and his girlfriend chest and i was like. That's what really got me was. I was so impressed by the her roommates and her friends that she surrounded herself with. Because when i first met her Her friends very cool and she was kind of ditching. I was like well. Why would this be like ditching. Her friends is that the type of person i want to be with but then when they met like someone for true really good friends I was really impressed by them. And i think that's one of the qualities in people that I'm really chuck to when they can surround themselves with really good people you know it's like you create dot com larger bubble of friends. And at what point did you guys define the relationship you know. It's funny because in past relationships have really hung on to that. Because it's been more of an issue but because even though it was a slow build it. I never felt uncomfortable. I never was worried that like he wasn't taking seriously or he wasn't being truthful. Or yeah i trusted you very early on and to a point where even even though you were seeing another girl or two with the that burning in parties say that that's for me when it got most serious okay and that's kind of like a funny side story lead into it was at the time While i was dating for the first four or five four dates Is still kind of finishing things up with another girl them on tinder but like that relationship had the comic a time stamp on it where she was here for the summer and she has summer internship and then she was going back to the east coast. And she's gonna be gone and she wasn't planning on staying. She kind of thought that we were gonna go out on a date. And i i was going to dinner with her and then flow and i remain up late night down. Double double and A really cool burning fundraiser party invited him to so i'm driving with the other girl and i was kind of like hey Dinner was great. But i gotta go now and she's like well. I was kinda hoping the hang out tonight and i was like I kinda plant site and she's like well. What are your plans. I was like. I won't be honest with you because like this was going to be like a summer fling. I'm seeing another girl tonight. Wow you told her right there and she flipped out see ditched her. She was upset and uk in the middle of st. She likes alencar and just walked out. Yeah i was kind of shocked. And then i was like okay well flow and flow just like it was so easy going easy to get along with like i was just kind of falling for their. So how long have you guys been together year and a half your you live together. And you're you're in monogamous committed relationship. Yes old school okay. So i want to discuss some of the themes because it's really interesting. Let's go to context. I think the context of how you guys met as is fascinating. 'cause you met at a silent disco party so probably a lot like the most formal environment or like an environment you think about meeting someone you're going to fall in love with and flow you. Probably were they're kinda like just going to hang out and have fun. You weren't in a mindset right and ready to meet dylan. So it was timing for yearly timing and dylan. You weren't actively pursuing her afterwards. Either because again it's also timing is just not the right time so when you got tackled three months later i think that's when the universe was like hey i think you've really pay attention to each other now. I think now is the time. I love this idea of having type and then throwing that out the door so flow you had this type of. I'm i already see the type of guy used today. Like probably kind of loud and sort of like life of the party probably has lots of friends and i was attracted ego but then also kind of ruined my life like it. I cried like every week in these relationships like they were bad relationships. Not bad people just like those guys weren't ready to be in a loving committed relationship where they had no to give to me so i was just not really getting anything back or the girl who gets the attention and your life of the party.

00:15:12 - 00:20:00

But you probably overlook guys like dylan. And dylan's a type guy. He's like the i call. You guys are the magicians. You're the magician because you come out of nowhere and when you do appear. It's like whoa. You just blew my mind so i think your confidence is that quiet confidence that girls to overlook at because it doesn't come out. It's not natural for that to come out right away and it's not you but with modern dating. I think the issue we always see is that people don't give each other that time. We are a lot of time. And i don't even know how that happened. I i feel really blessed that we were both just so patient and open but it wasn't that like instantly that a lot of people are no it wasn't not like necessarily chemical or sexual or electric at the it wasn't any of the things in the beginning it took like three dates and then it's hard because he even said with high volume dating. It's really easy to be like this date and go well. I'm never gonna see this person again. But who are you to say that the second date won't be won't be this way or will be a different way. The other thing. I want to bring up is setting intentions. I really enjoyed what you said there dylan. Because i think what happens on a lot of these states is guilty until proven innocent mentality. I'm going into the state because this person's gonna prove to me that i should be attracted to them. This person's going to prove to me that they deserve a second date or whatever. I'm probably a little guilty of that. I think we are. We live in the society where we think dating is like amazon shopping right. So if i don't like the product. When i first open it then i'm going to return it so it's kind of like what's in it for me. But i like the sending the intentions of. I'm going to try something different today. I'm going to have fun. Even though i don't want to get out of bed or i don't want to be outside and three. I'm going to enjoy the people. i'm i'm with. Those are three great intentions to set. When you go into any date. But i really love to was that you were like in your element so i think there is definitely and you're looking but you were just happy and excited and showing your true self. That's when you attracted someone for other people like making sure that you find what you're dancing is an put yourself in those environments and from my point of view i had been kind of going after is that i wanted. Not like kind of like dylan. The in a sly where they didn't realize it. Until i told them months later that i had like cozied up to talk to them or whatever but i was kind of like you know what from now on. I'm pretty fucking awesome. I'm just going to wait until someone comes to me and a great person. I will respond. I just wanted to have a very simple relationship going after guys. I hadn't been getting that. So i decided to try it differently. Yeah i think it's about not forcing the situation letting things happen. Play out the way that they should play but also not being complacent in that to those also away or a company myself in an opposite mindset of the normally all in where normally pretty meticulous planner Just kind of nature. Of how how. I live my life and So it's a kind of put myself to start off with the intention of. I'm just going to let today happens. You what happens in different and meet someone knew of freeing. What did you guys learn from. Because i'm sure you guys have had many discussions about the beginning of your relationship. What did you learn from it. I think both of us Both came out of the feick high octane hype passion high drama relationships in our previous relationships and we both were looking for A more balanced approach to dating and I think we both have matured and at that point and both looking for someone who could just be a into the for each other. I like being with someone. More grounded Anxiety and it's just like literally in an energy way. It's does actually help to be with someone who's a little bit more calm. We've a lot of people that come on his show and say i'm looking for that passionate kind of like can't live without you love where either were either fighting or we're just like so in love with each other. It's like highs and lows. But i think when you stripped down to what a relationship ultimately is.

00:20:01 - 00:25:07

It's a strong friendship. It's the ultimate friendship. And i think that's what you guys had at first and when you take away the the sex in the romance if you're with someone for years what is there at the end of the day someone that you really want to hang out with. I think about that a lot. Because i actually ask myself like because we live together like because we spend like a lot of time together i whistle visits the person. I want to be spending all this time with a say. Yeah like i really enjoy being around dylan. I'm going to say about that. Inspired me the from. What you said was that About love and what people are looking for. They're looking for this passion and this romance kind of fire which is wonderful. But i think it's also good to know that just like everything in life your job. Your friendships your parents. You're not always going to feel super excited about that and that's how it is relationships to like you have your your moments of feeling like you could never be with anyone else. This amazing connection so wonderful and the moments where you're like Like kind of just want to be alone right now. You know we're like i'm not feeling right now. Not feeling the connections on a strong right now. And that's okay and it's like when you have those moments where you're not feeling as connect dirt connected or or passionate just like anything in life like your feelings will change because we're constantly changing. Humans are constantly changing but this is actually a nice segue into our question of the day. Which craig he says. How would you define a connection on your podcast. You always talk about people having a connection or missing connection but what is it. I feel like i haven't really experienced it. That is a tough question. It's like what is love right even describe it. What is this connection. You guys keep saying when you first met. There wasn't much of a dynamic there that push you into that direction but then the second time there was something in the third was with. That connection really happened. What is that connection. I mean i've just become more more skeptical as i got older and it takes me time to get to know someone would i when i am increasingly impressed and inspired and Curious about a person a meeting to know then begin to feel more connected to them overtime. Because i'm just simultaneously intrigued and like want look very enamored by their mind but also their heart and how they're all wrapped up into one person. And that i relate to those values values. Isn't anything having similar values. It's it's definitely for me and energy levels kind of balancing each other or pushing each other. I think both of us have over the last two years. They have definitely pushed each other in different directions. And that's something that. I really need people around me Most of my best friends have always been people that kind of pushed me into Places that. I didn't think i'd be able places when you're able to get to making each other better and help each other grow as people. I think connection personally for me is i've been on dates. Where someone's looking at you. But they're not looking at you know like what you know what you're listening to you. All and so they have these sort of default answers to my questions and have default questions for me and being on those states. I walk way. And i'm like i have no idea who i just met. I don't know a cardboard. So speaking to you. And then i i want to ask him. I literally want to stop the date. And say i see you looking at me but do you see me. Do you actually see me as a human being a person or do you just see me. Yes date number three and this lineup. Right so i think the connection is when someone truly sees you for who you are and when you look at each other. It's like you're actually looking at each other. I really think the connection when you feel like that other person really understands who you are. I think though in general like even outside of romantic situations there's just some people that you really jive with and others that you don't yeah it could be friends. Employees like co workers. All of that. Like i think it's just hard to put into words what that is but someone you just feel totally comfortable with. You can say whatever and they've done studies on people's brainwaves and like people when they feel connection like their brain waves are actually like sinked up And psychologically they say that when you if you're on a date and you wanna see you're really connecting with someone one ways to see if they're mirroring your moves so like if you put one elbow on the table. Do they put one elbow on the table and also seeing like the pace that you're eating your food actually say that's a way to save your connecting so someone finishes their dinner before you guys.

00:25:07 - 00:27:59

You know someone was you. Were talking way too much during this date and didn't have time to finish your food and they did so. Those are just like some psychological tricks into seeing the other connection with someone. Okay this is great. Thanks for telling us your story of how you met. I think a place into all the themes that we've seen. I mean everything we always talk about. It's time needed context. It's perception throwing out your type and you just reiterate all of that and for our listeners. A home we always say you know. Tell us your dating storyteller. How you met all that. But now i want to turn it back and say Write in and tell us what are some topics you want to hear. Because we're kind of like in this crowd sourcing period of trying to find What are some of the topics that we don't know about. And you guys want to know more about so right us in and let us know what you want to hear. more of. Tell us about your podcasts. So it's launching in about two weeks with the first episode is currently called rediscover with dancing flow. It's about it's basically this american life meets dance so human stories through the lens of dance and my basic belief is that dances whenever soul meets body. So it's a pretty broad definition. That's going to be fascinating to see how you can translate dance into a podcast. Right allie to behold inspired by ninety nine percent invisible which is basic oakland. Which is a podcast about design. And they tell really great stories about design so it was very inspired by them as well. Cool i'm definitely going to be listening to your podcasts. Work and we find it on my website danson flow productions dot com or on itunes. It'll be up there as well. Which rediscover with dance and flow and dylan. Do you have a podcast or you wanna talk about support flow. Let's wrap this up one two three stay little. Your action item for this week is to set some intentions before going out on dates instead of thinking about I really hope this person will like me back or i hope i'll find this person attractive. Try to set your intentions. As i'm going to have a great time getting to know someone new. The most efficient way to meet new people is a combination of online and offline five hundred branches has your offline covered connect over brunch with new friends. Come alone bring buddy. There's always a table. Full of friendly faces mimosas. An eggs benedict sign up at five hundred branches dot com and use the code date able for free entry to connect with us visit dateable. Podcast dot com. You can also find us on facebook twitter and instagram. All under dateable podcasts.