S3E5 Love Lyft

00:00:00 - 00:05:01

The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world.

And i move so i loves. We are excited. You've join us for an older episode. While our earlier seasons were all about dating in san francisco we quickly realize all the themes. Learnings are universal for all daters so we shifted to covering dating from all around the world as the seasons progress. The fun part is things happen. I san francisco the tech and counterculture capital of the world. We love for you to keep tuning in to our older episodes. But there's no set order to listen in so feel free to jump to more. Recent seasons are relevant episodes for you. Enjoy the show. The database podcast is hosted by me. I'm you a a former dating coach. In new york turned active data in san francisco on each episode. you'll hear commentary by my co host. Michael vargas fellow dating coach with a clinical psychology background. My producer julie craft chick and other surprise. Co-hosts don't forget to check out our next dateable live event this. Friday september thirtieth. We'll be doing another stage. Version of the dating game with some of san francisco's most eligible singles. The event will also have free drinks and giving booth courtesy of the lively app for more information and tickets head on over to our website at dateable podcast dot com and click on events are last event sold out so make sure you get your tickets soon. Here's an exclusive discount for all of our wonderful listeners. It's kiss me all capital letters. One word this episode of dateable is brought to you by five hundred brunches brunches connects like minded people with similar interests to meet in real life. Brunch you answer a questionnaire about your interest and how you spend your time and then they'll match you in small groups of six to eight at brench spot in san francisco get a free entry into a brench now by signing up at five hundred brunches dot com and using the code date able everyone. Welcome to another episode of dateable. A show that up a candid conversation about dating in san francisco so on each episode we dissect a dating story and today. We have nay in the house. Hey we've been chillan may what's going on. I worry so so. I met my boyfriend of two years. At the time. In brother i would say unconventionally So i was his passenger and he was my lift driver and so it all started We'd say on thursday or friday and we were both four or five of scowls and we had gone to a concert And it was not everyone's going to concerts before it was that time where there was like a mad rush of crowds exiting the concert and just not enough modes of transportation to get home so long story short concert on did we exited rush to call uber and lift out of all my friends. I think the most west. So i was the designated person pulled the phone and get the app and what we discussed was okay. It's going to be really kind of a hassle for us to get this many lifts or uber so hopefully let's just pray that our driver who gets match with us is actually nice enough to let us all pile in his car I think it's also important to note that this was back in two thousand thirteen right win lifts With just getting popular and you know the social dynamic between drivers and passengers was was yet to fully crystallize. It was still variable. You weren't sure what the social dynamic ways but you did know that. Lift was out to differentiate itself from from uber. In a way that it was kind of unspoken that you would sit shotgun and also have a conversation of friendly banter with with the driver. It's important to note that So you know. We all pile into this. Guy's toyota camry. It was a pretty podunk car. Now that i think about it was green. I remember the back bumper was hanging off And but what's interesting. Is the minute that we got inside his car. It was hard to forget because there was like just an infinite amount of light bulbs in christmas lights.

00:05:02 - 00:10:02

Yeah this is back when like lift was the they were trying to differentiate and i think they gave drivers creative license to really just jazz up their car. And so we got into this guy's car and instantly. He caught our attention So at the time. I get asked him. Hey there's about six of us are you okay with us. Crabbing five girls in the back one person in the front and he's like no problem. You know i've only been doing this for a couple of weeks. But i'm pretty sure we can. We can make that happen. So i'm crammed so i'm crammed in the back. Couple of my friends are probably sitting shotgun or laying shotgun and you know one by one were dropping each of my friends off and you know we start making our way back to my house and you know during that making you know aggressive in nano Yeah it was a very innocent conversation with. I think what's really interesting is that i remember the conversation extremely clearly very clearly. In fact what we talked about was he was brand new to the city. I think he was only a few weeks Fresh from overseas he had moved here for about three years. Working and his dream was to start his own trick bike company and he had selected san francisco new york because he thought that would be a really prime environment for for that endeavor We got to talking about various topics. A lot of its small talk. But what's interesting. is that lake. In a lot of the small moments. I was able to detect his outlook. Some of his core philosophies and philosophy myself probably subscribe to but of course you know all this transpired in just a few moments. It's been ten twelve minutes but it's a very you know. It was very innocent conversation and was very surface level to an extent. I found him to be very articulate. And i don't know. I'm no expert in in dating but i did feel proverbial spark if you will And so at this point in time you know we pull up to my apartment and this is my cue to exit. You know the passenger side of the car. And so i'm like okay. So this is me. And he's like. Yeah that's you. And i had this moment where unlike so i i really am taking risks if i was to basically let's step back analyze the situation a minute prior and it was like i kinda wanna see this guy again. I find them very interesting. He's had a lot of eclectic experiences at this point. We don't even know what the protocol is even allowed or not So my only option was to ask for his number which is a bold move in an itself. The second is. I've never asked out a guy ever in my life and i'm probably one of those girls who is a little bit more traditional and prefer to be courted but i'm also very risk seeking i ever seeking behavior outside of dating life so i was like. I'm just gonna go for it so i did basically didn't look him in the eye. This is all feedback. And you're telling me later on. Is i kind of cringed a little bit to really kind of probably awkward body movements away from him and had asked for his number. In what way Basically can i have your number cringe And he looked at me like he looked me in the eye. And i don't know if that's allowed i. I've never really done this to point where i'm like. This is not gonna go my way. So there was like a long pause and ultimately he pulled up his phone and we exchanged numbers there after we went on a couple of formal dates up. He did yeah. It was his birthday actually around the corner. In fact he invited me to to meet him up at his birthday at a bar and we went on a couple of other dates. And you know the rest is history. But what's interesting about. The whole process of meeting through lift is in different parts of our relationship. Lift has always somehow some way like unexpectedly been involved in our relationship so okay i guess the first example that comes to my mind is how my family found out about him which was through a passenger of his.

00:10:02 - 00:15:03

Which what are the odds of that would ever actually happen. Yeah so we were dating for probably less than a month or about a month and essentially what happened was he had picked up a girl who was happened to my childhood. My my sister's childhood friend and so you know a lift situation. You're just having small talk. And she happened to be from the same town that i'm from texas which it the town is called sugarland texas. It's a very unmemorable suburb with memorable name. And so he ends up. You know talking to her and says oh well. That's so funny that you're from there. My girlfriends actually. From sugarland. And i find out about this from him and he's like. Hey nee i just want to let you know your family's contacted you or your sister. But i picked up one of your sisters childhood friends and i told her that i we were dating and that you're my girlfriend. Us really travels fast with lift word of mouth and even times after that lake he would he was new to the city and he's actually naturally very shoddy and loquacious or you know he would always namedrop get text messages from friends. Who worked in. You know jobs that i worked out met your boyfriend and one point in time i had to deal with yo dude chill. Let's not start name-dropping this is like becoming an issue. Yeah so that's the story. I mean. I really do believe that people are brought into our lives. For a reason i think lift an uber has really amplified that right. When you do a lift line. Uberpool why is it. These people are grouped with you yes. It's coincidental it's it's a fluke but at the same time you can explore those options and say there's a reason why the universe brought us together and what's interesting and i think it's like i can't tell if it's dating or if it's the dynamic that takes place between posture in a driver but part of me feels that in that ride sharing environment often times in a sense it's aitken to a confessional booth because people are almost more honest and more on inhibited. When they actually don't know the other person the person on the other end of the conversation. You're almost even more honest than you are with someone that you do know. And there's no risk no strings attached and in a sense you can even more vulnerable so you feel like the environment allows you to kind of put your hair back and kind of be more relaxed and more yourself when talking to this guy. Yeah in a sense. I think i could come to that conclusion is. He has no information on on me. It was a straight clean slate. He doesn't know my. My flaw is my weakness is my strength my quirks and while we were having very surface level conversations i was able to collect in. All of this is based off of signals. So what you're saying is that means needs to a to a date. We've been saying this for years. I think kind of have have you noticed salt lake. You know. I don't know if this is new but in the last year and a half or so they do have a section where you can pull up someone's profile and then you have the option of editing your profile information. I think that was their attempt to toss to see. You know if this could serve a different purpose other than getting someone to move from a to b okay. So you said this last two years. Are you still with him. i am not. You're not okay but two years is a long time and we see a lift driver the entire two years. No he so he had and this is i learned. During the initial conversation with him was he had just moved from overseas. He was working troubling for three years and before he started his electric company he had joined lift just to take a break from working so he did it about eight to nine months you guys. Maybe i'm ignorant. But is there stigma. Dating your uber or lift driver. Is there stigma attached to that. I think very lightly but not enough to stop someone from actually doing it. Seven lucrative feels like cab drivers where feels more like ordinary people. Still a little bit of a stigma Bor feels like you're kinda like brockton cradle or something. Did you feel that. Sigma not terribly for people. That are generally unconventional. So that's probably my knee jerk. However there is a stigma and this is information that i collected from him thereafter.

00:15:03 - 00:20:10

Because like i said in the beginning people didn't realize or know how to interact with your driver and there was a lot of sketchy ways. And i don't even know if i can call it dating but hookups. That would take place. I heard through drivers and passengers on weekends is what i hear so while our courtship was very you know i think innocent those do happen and maybe. That's really the stigma. The state word to do that is take me to the marina. Safeway actually gave my number wants to an uber driver. But he was like. Nothing like really chemo bay. He liked to reach out. We never know but anyways the thing with this it's it's not. It's not just like the uber pockets about the differentiation in power. Yeah like when you are is it. Is it twenty more the idea of do you do something like this on. Someone is serving you. Yeah like when when you meet them in a place of service to like question we like. Should i ask the waitress for her phone number part of their policy things like that. I think that's the question is do we feel comfortable about asking this with people of different parts. Differentials of service. That's a really good point service. And at the intersection of service and gender roles so if it was reversed where he was the passenger. I was the driver in this weird feeling in my stomach out of the battery. Like you kind of felted tooling is it. Okay to ask this guy's number because he is my technically mta servants rams. I just find uber and lift our our best. Hope for meeting people in real life these days because we're meeting people at a moment in their life. How many times have you been a lift line or uber pool where someone gets in there like oh. I just did this where i'm on my way to this. You're like catching them in a moment. And they're vulnerable like you said in their guards are down and then if you catch the right moment things could happen. Fireworks could happen. I feel like we should open is up nor to these opportunities. Because you never know who's going to get in and i really really think the takeaway is lift ridesharing aside. It wasn't that. I was pursuing trying to find someone. You're trying to date him more. That at that time. In my life. I i was very open to the idea. And that's really the main takeaway is it. Sounds like the aps. People are getting very frustrated or expectations are not being met with the apps and really what people should be doing again. This is just my own philosophy. Own opinion is is to keep your eyes and ears open because you never know what's standing in front of you or sitting next to you or driving and this is something. I do have to say about our generation. We have the luxury of the sharing economy. It's not just a lift but my friend. My friend met her husband through. She hosted him for one weekend. They fell in love and now they're married. You know. I've heard of people meet each other from like i gotta get around car from someone and then we met in person because he ran out of gas or whatever so i think we need to take advantage of the sharing economy. It's great to share. Sharing is caring but we also need to hone in on those opportunities and say this is my opportunity to meet someone outside of my usual network. So what what takeaways are you taking away from this. Tell me takeaways. I'm going to Call now go around the city. I don't need a destination. City apply never know. But i've heard guys doing that. They go cross city and they yeah they just said in a lift line because now lifting uberpool pick up so many passengers and stern grove all along the way just like pick up people line on a new dating app. This might be the birth of a new dating app. I mean i really think uber and lifts should be like you. Swipe through the passengers you could pick up and you can tell your driver not to pick up some only the only or cool girls that we want our podcast. What are your takeaways. michael I think just like action like one of the great things that needed did was she. Even though she was worried she schedules nervous. She didn't know what to do. She still took action and able to someone for a couple years at it. Sounds like that arolla. She enjoyed And i think a lot of people are scared of that and there's like so many opportunities for people and i think that a close himself off into they they are afraid of it so i think to just open ourselves up more and allow for the possibility of something happen and that might mean that we get rejected.

00:20:10 - 00:24:43

Things don't work our way and it also might mean that you meet someone pretty amazing. Yeah definitely so. The question of the day is Luke rodin said if you meet someone in a professional setting like at a conference and you want to exchange info but want to make it clear that it's beyond professional reasons. How should you go about exchanging contact info on michael mushroom. You put an mushroom on their cheek and then you guys make out. I think one of the things that happened was so we talked quite a quite a little bit. I don't know what that means. We we talk a little bit. And one of the things i said to her is like hey you know the next session. Do you have a seat next. You love to sit next to you and she said yeah and i think that there's whatever you can start doing to start shifting from business to shifting it more towards interests of the person and i think going in that direction helps it to then later on if you wanted to continue the relationship in that way. You already set the tone early okay. So you you're saying plant the seed. Yeah plant the seed and you know if you feel. That's the direction that you want to go with someone. I'd say just go in that direction. As opposed to keeping it professionals all of sudden going for like a bait and switch. If that's not what you want to go with what feels just more of what you want from. The relationship eighty. I think it has less to do with what you say and the content and more to do with signals because human beings. I feel like communicate in a lot of different ways other than the words that they say so if i was at a conference and obviously your mindset is professional professional professional but if i wanted to send a signal to someone that i was interested in more than just professional i would probably friday send some more signals more like body language. Ask about his interest outside of work. Which again is i. Guess that's content but it's more about your body language and maybe touch his arm or something like that so it's less about the professional and and more about are they getting. Am i sending the right vibes. I would say in When you exchange info don't give your card. Because i feel like giving a card. I signals for professional reasons so someone were trying to give me their card. And i wanted to go beyond professional level i would say how about. We exchanged phone numbers just to be more blunt. I got another one to go to walk. I actually dated someone from another conference. I forgot i just remembered and one one of the things we did was at a beautiful here so it was like. Hey do you wanna go for a walk. And she said yes and we went on a walk and that like shifted it to more like organic natural conversation versus business-oriented stuff. Yeah michael is He's a predator at these conference. He doesn't even go to the conferences like he's like. What is this conference for. So if you are at a conference in someone tries to put a mushroom on your face or ask you to go on a walk. You've been attacked by michael vargas. That's just. I'm just saying that. Now those are the lessons that i wanted to provide for this world. And you're all very well so folks remember that You can submit your stories at any time and remember that we can always keep you anonymous. No needs to know your real name. We protect the innocent and though surrounded by you and you add to that we'd like to say what are those stay dateable. Here's your action item for this week. Next time you're in a lift line or uber pool starter conversation with the other passenger or your driver. You never know where that conversation will take you. The most efficient way to meet new people is a combination of online and offline. Five hundred branches has your offline covered connect over brunch with new friends. Come alone or bring a buddy. There's always a table. Full of friendly faces memorial says an eggs benedict sign up at five hundred branches dot com and use code date able for free entry to connect with us visit dateable. Podcast dot com. You can also find us on facebook twitter and instagram. All under dateable podcasts.