S3E4 The Orgy Dome

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The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world.

And i move so i loves. We are excited. You've join us for an older episode. While our earlier seasons were all about dating in san francisco we quickly realize all the themes. Learnings are universal for all daters so we shifted to covering dating from all around the world as the seasons. Progress to the fun part. Is things happen. I san francisco the tech epicenter and counterculture capital of the world. We love for you to keep tuning in to our older episodes. But there's no set order to listen in so feel free to jump to more. Recent seasons are relevant at for you. Enjoy the show. The database podcast is hosted by me. I'm you a a former dating coach. In new york turned active. Activator in san francisco on each episode. You'll hear commentary by my co host. Michael vargas fellow dating coach with a clinical psychology background. My producer julie craft chick and other surprise co-hosts tae don't forget to check out our next event. On september thirtieth. The theme is no pants and we will again be doing stand performance of the old school. Tv show the dating game for more information to get tickets head on over to our facebook page at dateable podcast and get five dollars off with the code. Kiss me all capital letters in one word. This episode of dateable is brought to you by five hundred brunches. Five hundred branches connects like minded people with similar interests to meet in real life brunch. You answer a questionnaire about your interest and how you spend your time. And then they'll match you in small groups of six to eight at a brunch spot in san francisco get a free entry into a brench now by signing up at five hundred brunches dot com and using the code date able everyone. Welcome to another episode of dateable. Show that opens up a candid. Conversation about dating in san francisco and michael vargas. My co-host recently got into acro yoga. How did you get into yoga. I wanted to be part of a community out in san diego. And so i figured that would be one of the easiest things and so many people in san francisco were doing it and i heard that that's a great way to meet a lot of different people. Let's just say it sure is and it's a. It's a flexible people and it's a great. It's a fast track. Wave to Really get to know people intimately me that in dancing touch all body parts all of them. The pervert sit all of them. That's our guest. Today is gonna be the death stare. He's like what did you just call me. Believe i'm nervous right now. Why are you nervous. I don't know like. I feel like we're going to talk about orgy dumb. Oh i didn't know that okay. I guess we're talking about words. You don whatever that means is that even at is. I'm ready to learn. Is that like a ride at disneyland orgy. Dome actually should be i think. Aren't they building like a burning man theme park and las vegas. How high do you have to come up with that idea. it's brilliant. it's brilliant okay. Chris talk about orgy dumb. I want to hear this story. So is a camp at burning man where they have an orgy. So i went to or do dome and i learned a lot and like just said like but i feel like i feel like i need to share this because it was less about the sex in more about the what i learned wherever you go into that. What was it that brought you to. Even try this in the first place because i was with an amazing girl who was Into this Open to it. Yeah so did. You guys participate We didn't do what you're thinking but we participated like we did everything that we were comfortable doing together. Can you share some. i let me me. Let me set the context so like this is a camp that is like That puts on like their gift. To burning man is is an orgy. Don't and please forgive me if anybody's listening. Who really knows what they're talking about. And i say something wrong. I'm just wanted to say like this was a one time experience for me. And this is i partake on it right okay. So the first thing for you don't it's a it's it's the moon camp and there's like three levels you're on the outside and you're in line to get in and when you get in there's i mean like there's the first the first step is you have to go in as a male and female pair right even if you're gay right so like if two girls wanna get in.

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They can't if two guys wanna get in they. Can't you have to find another person. That will vouch for you. It has to be has to be because that's the first way to get rid of any weirdos right like if you can't find somebody of the opposite sex to vouch for you it's like gets rid of fifty percent probably seventy percent of humans right and i thought that was really freaking cool right because it just gets rid of a whole group of people mostly like like fifteen creepy guys just coming in at walkway. Exactly right fifteen have to compete to find a girl that will come with them into the origin. Right which means they're not getting in and when you get up to the front line they're very adamant about like grab your shoulders and you get to the front line like do you know where you're going right and like you're you're buying into an experience and like yeah. I'm going to orgy them. What are you gonna do. I'm gonna have sex awesome. You're on your way in and they're obviously checking to see if you're like if you know what you're doing but what was really cool about that is then they give you a bracelet and you get into the next level and then the next level. There's basically mingle area. And when you get in there you get you have to go and find someone to get basically adelie ticket like you're at a deli line and they're like number twenty five two. Yeah yeah yeah. Yeah and they literally have like a freaking clock on the wall. That's counting down like a number twenty-seven like through forty whatever is coming in and so then when you get in there you have to find someone to take a class and the class is very very simple but it's incredibly important and this is probably the biggest thing that i learned that. I took away from this. Is they teach you to things. And that's enthusiastic in an enthusiastic. Yes is the only thing that matters in this world right and so there's no like or kind of playful like oh i kind of want to do that or not. It's like hey. Do you want to have anal sex with me. Yes yes exclamation mark. Yes i contact. This is happening right. Sounds like improv. I've done one. Like low level improv. Class and i totally agree. It's very similar right. And then and then the other thing that they teach right after that and so you have to go to this. Like safety class with a person that asks that hands out the next level which is a bracelet that an armband. That says that you've done been through the class and it doesn't take very long but we were there and i'm expecting so much more and he says there's nothing but an enthusiastic. Yes and then he kind of plays it out and he goes to the couple next to us and said what kind of played you like and the girl is like tiny brunette and this really tall guy the girl recoils a little bit and it like smiles sheepishly and says oh i don't know and then he's like well describe. Tell me like what do you like. And when i thought was so amazing about that question in hindsight was that like the thing about plays like play is an incredible concentrated. Has that that permeates all parts of life. There's like there's a start in an end to play right and even if you look at animals like they're practicing life and like like they're practicing hunting or fighting or or learning about the environment around them and the cool thing about plays like whatever happens within the beginning and the end of a play session happened in that world in that context. It doesn't necessarily mean that it has to affect the rest of the play right because you're buying into a game right. You're buying into a scene. And what i thought was so cool about that is like then they kind of left you to hang out in this place and you're waiting for your deli ticket number to be called right and so and then you realize like this. This first level is really like the chance to mingle and meet other numbers other couples. That have your number one question i have. Is you go. You pick a number and when you pick that number you already have people that you've got that strong yes from your the great question. Great question so you're given the number like come in and that that number is is your ticket into the next level but when they call it like that range but then what you have is the you can leave at any time because you've now taken the class in your in there but what what what you do then you start trading numbers with people that are in there because if you are in there for an hour waiting and hanging out because it's a cool relaxing place these obviously these are all people that are bought into the same experience. I wanted to go to the next level with you or even if you just wanna go in alone you can trade numbers to get together right at the next level right so you can try to kind of like go back and forth right and so so there's this whole system going on people meeting each other. What was really cool was. When i started to notice that like like girls were able to come out of their shell because they saw other women being able to describe the kind of play that they liked right and or what they wanted and it created a free and open environment to kind of talk about things that maybe they wouldn't have been comfortable talking about before right and then because it's within the context of whatever's happening at that time right and no one's carrying with them out and you start co mingling.

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You start seeing these people you start trading numbers saying like hey euro two zero seven i wanna join you guys you get your number call them and you take a class now. You've already taken the class so now now you just get naked. Put close to the bucket. Really you put in a bucket. No well yeah i mean. It's it's burning now. We're not like this wasn't like a wash is going to find out after this. I was like not classy orgy dome. And there's like another one with air conditioning. In tie exactly blackstock number gets called you go to the next level which is like an entrance where everybody is naked and then you get into the inner which is probably like the beginning of you. Don't and then there's really like three levels within that. There's the like private area where you're not supposed to be watching people and it's kind of like now everyone's naked but you're sitting on sofas or you're behind curtains but it's kind of like you can't really see like what people are doing so just getting comfortable with naked bodies at that point exactly. Yeah exactly and then and then there's some curtains and there's another level which is the cnbc area and what that is is it's really like areas. Where people can you comfortable. Whether it's beds or couches and if the curtains are open or if they're if they're looking for someone to join You can You you're allowed to watch in that level but you're not allowed to tap them and ask them to join and then the next is your is your allowed to join. It's like another room and that is if you're if you're there you're there expecting to be like asked to join but again you need to have enthusiastic consent and you have to touch someone shoulder touch their ankle if you can't reach their shoulder and they have to make eye contact and say yes you can join us and it just creates this. It's a social tool right. I thought it was really really cool. Even though we didn't have an orgy right like we went to the third level but didn't nobody joined us. I mean frankly. The first time i was in there it was hard for me to Focus with the noise going on like there's a lot of noise and and then the third level the fourth level or the middle is just literally an orgy. So you were you guys were doing the deed and someone could tap on your shoulder ankle and someone did. In the first time i had to like like reset. But you have to say yes no. It's an enthusiastic. Yes everything else is now if you're if you're on a bed and you're doing something and you don't respond that's a no. It's a chance to just say what you like right in without any judgment right. I mean i literally was sitting in the main room with the girl that was with at the time a guy comes up and i think he's gonna talk to her and he taps me on the knee. He taps me on the knee and says hi. What kind of play do you like. And i have no idea what kind of play i like because i just i like normal p p and v what i'm doing like i just i've never had to think about this before i don't know i just kinda done stuff and so i i literally. I don't think i said anything. And he goes. Oh well i'd like to be your coffee table. And would you let me be your coffee table and all of what is what does that mean. That mean he he just wanted to sit on his hands and knees and have somebody put his legs on his back. Wait what's his name. 'cause there's there's no now there is a guy it's cisco who's famous for being furniture for people. Oh god there's a lot of people that chris. What are the things i wanna know. The you know he. He did not end up being my coffee table darn he was couch instead. Yeah i already had earlier. You said that you were going to go on with kind of particularly guidelines or you had ideas of what you were going to do with this girl that you're with so what were those guidelines going in with original. Wow great. I mean with the enthusiastic consent thing between other people. I think if you're going to do this with somebody and they're important to you Is you have to have a level of communication. You have to have communication tools already intact because you can't make assumptions when you open yourself up to this type of environment if you rely on what you rely on the normal and the real world like there's just if you make any assumption that that was okay with you i mean if anything this definitely exemplified to me.

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What what women are. Maybe feminists talk about when they talk about with with withdrawing consent later. I never really understood that as a male where in my mind it's like you've had sex. You could have said no will like that definitely now has meaning to me right because you if you're in an environment where everyone's already doing things and like one thing is okay but that's why do consent is so amazing because anything but a yes or no. So so wait. I'm still waiting to hear like what was it that you were going in for. What was your guideline my guidelines. Where that we wouldn't We actually would not participate in a threesome or anything until the second time we went in and we would just we would we would check everything out and get a lay of the land. I think twice both times were amazing. And then we tested out the waters in san francisco and didn't go as as well. Was this someone you were dating or just an activity partner. I'd say dating. Probably be the activity partner that yeah see. That's it and that's probably what i have now in san francisco's activity partners. So you sepanek didn't translate in san francisco. It was like something about being away. The moment of bernie man that need is site were of. I do think it translates to certain environment seem we actually came back and went to a couple of the different clubs here in the city and i was really surprised to see that. There's this entire community of people. That are outside of what i have seen that i wouldn't even say it's underground. I'd say that it's out in the open here and it's really healthy. I think it's very very healthy. But i think. But i think the one problem that you run that i ran into is i assumed because this scene so healthy to me and so knew that that meant the people that you're dealing with are just as healthy but the problem is you're still dealing with other humans so there's an ability to make a mistake right so it wasn't a the environment birmingham but just other humans for me. It was because that's where i was introduced to it. And i definitely think burning man is the place i mean if i could have picked a place in my mind because the entire landscape world you're in is different from what i've learned about those type of communities the same the orgy communities. I gotta give them credit because it's much about communication like that's something that's so important to them like if you're for another example if you're getting whipped you wanna make sure the person who's whipping you that you can hundred percent trust them because that allows you to going into the experience. And that's that's what i mean by when you i almost feel like i went into that world cy and then when you carry that to a bar in the marina and you sit in the corner and you or your in the mission even you're at a bar and you're watching guys hit on girls and groups of girls pretend to not want to be hit on like eight almost is is just this. It's literally cut through it with a knife that wanting to just go up and intel a girl. Hey like you want to be hit on. You want someone to go home with that. You trust that safe that secure. That is sure of themselves. That knows what they want. You just can't communicate and hey guy you don't have to be douchebag right like you don't have to be like king of the pack in be more more bravado than the other nine guys around to be seen right but what i'm hearing you say is it's as simple as tapping someone on the shoulder and be like. Do you wanna play. I've actually done that here now. I know what are the things that i love doing When meeting women and looking to date someone is just fucking having wine and like finding an improv. There's a thing called finding the game and what that is is you. And i are doing something like a pattern or something. We're both involved and we're both enjoying it and we both know what's going on. That's the game that we create and that's us having play and fun and it's just so much more enjoyable for both people. Were just having play into having fun like that. I get i totally get this like a hookup. Sense one hundred percent but do you think this direction and if you're looking for more relationship would translate i mean there's some clico yes yes yes i think those are the best. I think those relationships are able to last longest when they're still able to have on play each other. I'm very careful about my words in the beginning. I don't wanna come off too casual or playful. Because i want be ten seriously and i and that's what i was. I was also talking to when. I said hell yeah. It was talked about the idea of the idea of play and not just place sexually but having lake play with the with your souls you her or him or whatever can just have genuine fun.

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Genuine play like for me. I don't even want to. I don't take a girl. I won't get serious with a girl if i can't have fun with their in play with her. So what i'm hearing you're gonna do take away now. I think we should just be more playful with each other. I think removing that barrier of the fear of rejection at a bar event. Just go up and talk to someone the most playful way thinking back about thinking back on when you're in the sandbox kids and just go up to king like let's play and if they say no then you go onto the next kid. I would refined that. I would find that. Just one level more and i would say Trot if you ever if you if you have a chance it's fun it's exciting if you validate someone that you want to be with and their new heck even if you've dated them for a long time ask them what kind of play like and see what they say. I do think there's a line though. Between what i just described with play and being playful because i think when you. It's a large grey area but being playful. I think that word gives a connotation of being haphazard or willy nilly or like having no boundaries whereas display has a very defined starting finish what i described with orgy dome So i don't think there's any excuse for being a bad person but human right like not not being not being truthful or You know being a good person right cheating on. Someone is still cheating right. You can't be like. Oh this is my play so basically playful within the boundaries of what you communicate to your partner yet but it's still establishing those boundaries before you commence with play all go up to a man bun hipster be like. Can i play with your hair. Many yeses play with your hair. I've asked a few guys like to play with their hair and guys are very strange about their. They're like don't touch guys with ma'am buns will not let me touch their buttons. They will not. And that's all. I want to stick my finger in their buttons so hard michael any takeaways from you. I have to take away but it's in a in a story. I just wanted to tell a quick story of one of the most playful times. That ever happened I was in florida. I went to gainesville improv festival. And i saw these people running around and i went up to them. I started playing with them. And i met this one girl. She was really pretty. She hands me her card and on her cardis says musician artists and adventurer. And look at her says. Do you wanna go on an adventure. I started saying hydrogen. She's like yeah. Let's go so we start walking. We have no idea where the hell regarding because we're we're at in profitable and we find like this like bat tower and stuff like that. And i'm we're talking and i remember at one point. I looked to the right and i see these lights aren't on as like i'm wondering as i wonder if those if they're censored and she's like let's go check it just runs off and she's running down the right side of of the field. I'm running down the left side of the field and we meet in the middle and we'd just start making this my ex ex-girlfriend yes slated mean whatever level. You're comfortable. I think that's what i got from. Michael story of play is deputy very different than what happened but we didn't have an orgy. All right. flu pit structure and is yeah. So let's wrap this up. Thank you so much. Chris for telling us about orgy dumb now i. I've always wanted to go to burn me on. I've never been but now i have more reason to go. I will i. How are condoms provided. I just wanna make sure. Oh yeah everything. Probably safer than your own home okay. I just wanna make sure that there are no weird okay. I'm down. don't forget to that. You could make your stories and remember that we can always keep you anonymous so that your name would not be going anywhere in the ears of our listeners. And we want to say thank you. Christopher coming onto the show we really appreciate it. That was an awesome story man. Thank you so much brave man and last not least say aw. Your action item for this week is to bruno. You're playful side a little bit channel your inner old and just see what kind of dynamic you can create but the people around you. The most efficient way to meet new people is a combination of online and offline five hundred branches has your offline covered connect over brunch with new friends.

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Come alone or bring a buddy. There's always a table full of friendly faces. Mo- says an eggs benedict sign up at five hundred branches dot com and use the code date able for free entry to connect with us visit dateable. Podcasts dot com. You can also find us on facebook twitter and instagram. All under dateable podcasts.