S3E16 Full Disclosure

00:00:00 - 00:05:09

The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world.

You've join us for an older episode. While our earlier seasons were all about dating in san francisco we quickly realize all the themes. Learnings are universal for all daters so we shifted to covering dating from all around the world as the seasons progress. The fun part is things happen. I san francisco the tech epicenter and counterculture capital of the world. We love for you to keep tuning in to our older episodes. But there's no set order to listen in so feel free to jump to more. Recent seasons are relevant episodes for you. Enjoy the show. The dateable podcast is hosted by me. I'm ua a former dating coach. In new york turned active data in san francisco on each episode. you'll hear commentary by my co host. Michael vargas fellow dating coach with a clinical psychology background. My producer julie craft chick and other surprise co host stay tuned until the end of the episode for fun dating fact presented by our partner lively a new dating app that uses videos to tell your story by the way we started a t shirt line. And we're pretty sure. These t shirts will make killer presents for the holidays. So out on our website at dateable. Podcast dot com everyone. Welcome to another episode of dateable. A show that opens up a candid conversation about dating in san francisco on each episode. We guy a dating story. And today i believe we have david. Nice to meet you guys. Tell us your dating. Sorry smart story. Sort of i was out with friends at a bar. And a i see this really attractive girl. And i co op in and just start making conversation with her and immediately when we started talking i could feel like some electricity there and she leads me off to the dance for and then we go onto the dance floor and then she starts kind of budi grinding on me like okay this is going well. And and she arguably was probably the hottest girl in the club bar That we were at and and all the other guys were kind of looking at me. Like how the heck did you get that right and and the girls all kind of like you know doing the same thing you know kind of envious of the or admiring her. And as she was dancing she turned to face me we were. We had a moment where we looking at each other's is kind of like woo a big spark and i don't know what came over me. I just i just went for. I gave her a kiss right there. And i was like wow and we have that. Wow moment girlfriends. Come in russia in and rescue her try. Try to pull her away. And i was like holy crap gotta get her number so i rush over to where she was at and i was like you know. Give me your number. I want to meet up with you later on. It's like all right. So she gives me your number and her girlfriends whisker off somewhere else and My friends were all like high. Fiving me going awesome. I you know. How did you get that and you know and so i was. I was flying over the moon. I was excited because this beautiful woman. I got her number we kiss. I could feel the the energy there have really grinding. Broody grinding on me. That was all really great and so the very next day like normally. I would wait but the very next day texture. It was like hey you know would love to meet up with you made and let's go grab a drink. She takes me back. Yeah i would love that. So she invites me out. We go to a bar just so happens to be bar you know. All her friends are at which is a little awkward first meeting but it was okay and she was just as beautiful as the night before. So i was like i don't care you know all the friends there. I'm down with all of them and her friends were really cool and she was. She was really relaxed through that night. I notice she's. She's like this great charismatic personality. Which i'm really attracted to girls. That didn't even know her wanted to talk to her because she looks stunning. I could tell guys were hitting on her right as she's walking by guys like hey. Are you trying to spark conversation with her. A bushy definitely liked me because she was always kind of being in my space and of course after we got food then i was like well.

00:05:09 - 00:10:02

You know maybe we can go see netflix's or something y. Place right oh my gosh net flicks inch and she's like i do sure and so i'm like all right and then unfortunately her friend comes along right so it's me her and her fran guy but he's gay and comes to comes to my place and we're kind of trying to netflix and chill. But it's not really working really netflixing and but we're sitting together on the couch and then the the friend is sitting in a chair by himself and he gets up to go to the bathroom says he goes to the bathroom and just like all over each other just making out. Yeah because it's like we wanted to get together and as soon as you know comes back in the room you know back in our normal seats and unfortunately the friend gets tired. Wants to go home and you know kind of says you got to go home with me. You know talking to the girl and so of course they leave that night. I sent him on a newborn home. She gives me a kiss. Good night and i'm like all happy. I'm like okay girl. Likes me pretty good. So we we arrange to to meet up again. The next Sometime during the week. But it's again it's a it's kinda like a group thing again with her friends again. I'm fine with it you know. She's acting almost like my girlfriend. She's sitting next to me solely my hands. She's giving me kisses on the cheek all that stuff. So i'm like are arming. It's okay but it's during the work week. And i'm like i can't really stay out late right so nothing's nothing's going to happen then and then on the weekend we arranged to meet up and this time it's a one on one day so okay. This is good. Finally a one on one about that time i know. Somehow her friends meet up with us on the date. You know and i'm like man. It's not gonna happen. Is it right. She's a woman in demand. She's a woman in demand yes. He's very charismatic. She knows lots of people. Everybody likes her once or time of somehow able to pull her away from friends that night and convinced her to come back to my place but she makes it very clear. It's just sleeping. There's nothing's going to happen. She's had a bad experience. She didn't go into detail but it sounded like she had a bad break up right she said you know i just want you know. I don't want to get involved too quickly. I wanna get to know you. And i'm like okay. I can respect that so we just we do a lot of making out and we're just going to sleep. It's nothing but it's it's nice figure. Okay we'll just gradual steps right next up and so that was that day and then the following date is kind of the same scenario. It's again friends are around. And i can't seem to get her isolated away from her friends to be one on one with her and i'm telling my guy friends this situation. Yeah i got one of my guy. Friends here can vouch for us. And basically they're all like i don't know you know. Maybe she likes you but she's just you know some some women are just you know. She sounds like she's been hurt. Right of so. I invite her to dinner where i'm going to cook right 'cause i figure. Hey that's going to. Hopefully this is going to close the deal. And can't invite her francis. How long have you this point. It's almost a month. It's almost a month right. I invite her over. She's a great cook. I cook you know. It's a great time cooking beautiful food. And we kinda have like the talk defining the relationship not defining the relationship but more about just our past histories with relationships right definitely sounds like she's been hurt in the past and i i'm trying to convince her you know well you know you only want the relationships that are the type where you're you're really intensely into that other person and unless you are willing to be ready to receive pain you can't receive the joy right so it's just the two of us.

00:10:02 - 00:15:06

Were sitting on the couch really netflixing this time. Right and she's like. I gotta go. I gotta get up early. martin mike. What is going on. I call my friends. And i'm basically you know i'm kinda done at this point. I don't know what the deal is. I'm kind of done like hot and cold a little bit. It's hot up until it could get hot and then it gets cold that make you want her more. I mean normally would. But i mean at a certain point you know i was getting frustrated and then she invites me over to her place for dinner. I'm like okay. Well i'll give one last shot right one last shot if we don't close the on this date then it's really done right so i go over to to her place and you know beautiful food again. It's romantic we're like holding hands and you know we're looking gazing into each others is and then You know we've had a good meal. We're cleaning up and then we're just going to relax and watch some television. And we're laying on her bed. And we start to make out and something clicks where it kind of goes past that normal point where he was going to stop and we just start going for it right off and so i started taking off my clothes making out with her and the other thing is it'd been a while since i'd had sex at that point so i'm really i'm ready. I've been reading for months. You know it's like i'm really excited and Making out with her. And i take her top off and she's got beautiful. You know And then i go to pull off her pants and she has a penis. Oh god i was hoping it wouldn't get together and my mouth. I was like i couldn't believe it. I was stunned. I wish shocked. I was like hand over mouth literally. What oh my god. Wow she quickly puts clothes back on. And i thought you knew and i'm like how would i know right. And so in. That moment i was like not only was just stunned and shocked but like super bombed. Yeah how did you handle that situation. So we put back on our clothes. We have like a little conversation afterwards. And i'm trying to like in. My head is just spinning. Obviously i'm just my head is spinning. And i'm like It's not your fault you're beautiful woman and You know i just felt the connection with you immediately but I was kinda like. I don't know i gotta go. I was just like. I gotta go and She walks me out. Give her kiss on the cheek. And i go and then i've been my car numb so the whole next week. Well actually i talked to my buddy in and You said something that was really impactful for me. Was that you know you think you feel bad about her. Yeah i was gonna say the same thing and that made me think. And i was like yeah and i. I texted her immediately once. I got home. And i was like you know what you're i want to let you know who still an amazing. I'm so glad i match. You hope you're hope the best for you broke it off with that. Yeah so broke it off with her but the whole next week my head was all messed up. I was like i was like my a whole thought of i was kissing guy i was. I like this girl so pardon. Me is also heartbroken. 'cause i i'm losing the beautiful woman out of my life. I was okay with it after i was like. You know david. I this really just proves you are really in women. I mean the reason why. I was attracted in fell for this woman and i are referred to her as a woman because she was. She was feminine. She she you know. Had all the qualities i like. She was gorgeous. She was beautiful. So why was subpoenas dealbreaker. This is the interesting part about it. Because as i was thinking about it i actually went there. And it's like you know. What is the big deal about it right like you like this person you all. Can you connect really well with. And i actually went my mind go there. It's like maybe we can move to some place and just you know nobody knows uh and we'd just hang out and and i actually went there trio and but it was really difficult for me because i i'm sorry i just like the vagina.

00:15:06 - 00:20:08

The importance of me and it was only for her. That i might go there but ultimately decided you know it's just it's too i just i would miss the vagina too much. Do you think she She didn't it for a reason. Right lake would things have changed if she was upfront with the Aired anchor thought about their too in part of me was like a little bit upset that she wasn't upfront with me. And then the other part was you know i get it. Because it's like she's attracted to men. She's a woman right. she's she's not attracted to game in. She's attracted to straight men because she's a woman and i'm in sales to and if you you know you go with the close at the very beginning. It's not gonna work if you gradually you know. Maybe you could convince some people like she convinced me to go there. It's not only that to like now looking back on it. So much of this stuff makes sense why she had that friend air why she was going slow why she wanted to take time like now that all at least all of that makes sense. Yeah this is a very unfortunate story. Just because both people came out disappointed. And i feel the same way as your friend thinking about her side of the story. Because i've i have a friend in new york who is same situation. She's beautiful female but she calls it gift with purchase. She has a penis and she tells me about how many times she's been punched after the guide he discovers that she has a penis so it gets to a point where she has intimacy issues. She's very attracted to men. She has to go to these chat rooms for men who like she emails but she tells me that allow time she has a prolong sex because she feels like if i win them over with my personality in our connection than this penis shouldn't get in the way i i'm not in her situation but i can almost feel the pain. She must feel every day. She needs guy she really likes now. She has to worry about her safety. All of a sudden How do you become intimate. I'm sure all those times that you guys were close intimacy. She wanted it but she knew that you weren't ready when she wasn't ready to reveal that but again to any relationship. It's that communication up front. If you have a kid you communicate you have a kid. You have a penis you communicate you have a penis. I feel like it's the same thing in a way. I feel blessed that i went through the experience because issued been up front with me. I probably wouldn't have. I wouldn't have taken it as far as i did. I got a lot out of the experience. Because i i really got to learn. You know everybody deserves love right. And i was just thinking man. We think we have it. Tough trying to find the right partner. Imagine imagine if you were in that same situation and you want love and then it just made me feel like angry about all these stupid bills about banning people from the bathroom like you know what going to the right bathroom that you identify with is the least of your problems. If you're if you're trans person is trying to find. Love is like so impossible. Yeah and you know you bring up another interesting point which is just these layers of sexuality where she could easily have a vagina made if she wanted it right but with my friend. Who's in the same situation. She's like. I just feel that. I am a woman with a penis like this is my identity. I don't feel like i am a woman with a vagina and so it's just another definition of a woman and it's so hard too. Because i used to work with a lot of trans individuals in san francisco and everyone. Everyone was so different like the way that they view themselves wave of what they want where they were in their transition what they wanted out of the transition and i learned that one of the hardest for me. I can't imagine waking up one day and looking at yourself and saying this is not the right body for me. This is not the right person. I'm looking at someone who i'm not and just knowing that as a fact and then having to not only trying to find love but also trying to find who you are because even us when we talked to say who are you people have no idea right and some of these people who have who have gone through this process are so blessed to have found who they are you know and and yet other people are so lost and not even have any idea of who they are yet out of all that.

00:20:08 - 00:25:03

It's such a tough world to live in. Because of all the harsh things that people are saying in all the the the the ignorance s out there and one of the things. I gotta give you props for david is because i think this it sounds like to me. This thing kind of opened up your eyes like opened up a new perspective for you and allows you to see something in a whole new light. And that's why. I'm thankful to be have you even on this episode because i hope that we can open up people's lives as well and see things not as black and white when there's so much more that people think about in going through a whole process like that. No definitely i mean. I would have never thought that i could have feelings for someone like that. But then i the beauty of it was more about the connection to the person right. It's more about the connection. The the anatomy. Do you still think about her from time-to-time do like i said i was hurt. I it was like a break-up us. I broke up with some. I was dating somebody for a month. That i really was attracted to and so i felt the same heartbreak. But i'm thankful for it. Because i didn't realize i had that capacity. I've had multiple male friends. Roger cisco have. This happened but in boston all trend. This happen to then. One other person separates skylights not as uncommon as it sounds and none of them saw coming either like this applete surprise interest. Such a hard thing like i. I don't know what i would do. If i was in her shoes. Would i what. I wanna be up front. I would. i not want to be up front. So i can have the connection. Would i want to have to decide. Okay maybe i just need to find a community that except from the beginning would i worked to try to change people's perspective on it and be open to a whole new world. Will i just wanna live a happy life and not have to even think about having to go through the fact that i have to work on social change just because of the way or sometimes i feel like dating is easiest when you are in a marginalized group because then you just find that group and then your choices are limited but when you find one stick with it it's funny though then even though you're that person you're forced to be with a group and it's like do i even i five with that group though that's true and my witless person. Just i knew was the one person that will accept it or accents. True is i wanna be way. Well i wish we could get her on the podcast. I mean i can imagine it's been difficult. Obviously like you said with trust prolonging. Yep sure i. I was just also concerned. Also you know. It's like some if it were somebody different than me. They could be violent or People how they how people react right. I still think though like they're in a conversation like maybe not until that point like before you really intimate like in a way that is not even just this anything out of the norm. Anytime you're taking sound by surprise reactions to be harsher than if. They're i totally agree i mean. It's so much easier to say. You should communicate that upfront. But i think about some of the times at before i've been i've been intimate with someone and even just asking they've been tested even that question. That conversation is a little uncomfortable when you're in the moment and you're like oh pause. Have you been tested. are you cleaning right. But imagine imagine taking that to a whole new level and being like let's pause. Let's talk about this other issue. I mean know. I'm just saying like even talking about testing is a very small topic and that's uncomfortable for people. Imagine talking about these bigger topics in theory she should communicate upfront but also in practice. When does she do that. And how she deliver that no manual on that. No we just have to be more empathetic and You never know what someone's going through no idea. You have no idea their journey until they tell you. Yeah and one of my takeaways is for ourselves to look to see how true to ourselves. Can we be because for some for some people. It's very hard discovery for other people. It's a lot easier. So i think one of the most important things is's discover like who we are as people. I think that's a hard universal question. And i think that's a question to continually look into And it's also one of the ways that we can do that is by exploring it with other people.

00:25:03 - 00:27:56

Yeah i think my main takeaway was just you know. Love comes in lots of forms and and and they're all valid. They're all worthy right. It's i think it was just my limitations that that prevented me from you know fully embracing her but you explore those limitations or nor detroit. Yeah so listen home. You know it's interesting. We hear dating stories from all facets and it's always kinda like horror dating stories interesting dating stories but we want to hear more of the stories that have really changed your life. Something that meets you go. I never thought i would go through this change. Who i am and achieves away view dating or people in general so right as you know Email or beyond a guess on our show. We can always keep you. We can change your voice. We can change any name so you want to change but we want to hear your stories. I think it's good to share these with other people so we know what we're all going through and we're not alone in this Thank you david for coming on the show we really appreciate it and sharing this story with us very markle and for those last two words. I'd like to stay. Here's a dating fact brought to you by lively a new video dating up and we have cat from lively here cat. Do you have any statistics around what we just talked about. Well actually i kind of do we did. A survey and what we found was that upon first contact thirty two percent of men are willing to disclose something unusual about the sexually. I guess it could be like fetishes. Exactly someone has a fetish or someone is the virgin or something along those lines so people are actually pretty willing to be up front about their crazy sexual desires thirty two percent of men. What about women. Well surprisingly twenty eight percent of women they'd be willing. Oh just a slightly less slightly less but still good amount. I do have to bring attention to the verbiage of this fact which is men who are willing willing to disclose women were willing to disclose exactly. That doesn't mean that thirty percent of men are saying. Hey i'm a fetish. Hey guess what. I have a weird shape penis. No it's i guess. If if they were asked the question they would answer. Yes awesome things got and thanks lively for that dating fact videos. Tell your story better. Download the lively dating out today at go lively app. Dot com to connect with us visit dateable. Podcast dot com. You can also find us on facebook twitter and instagram. All under dateable podcasts.