S2E4 Are we asking too much of Tinder

00:00:00 - 00:05:04

The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world.

And i move so i loves. We are excited. You've join us for an older episode. While our earlier seasons were all about dating in san francisco we quickly realize all the themes. Learnings are universal for all daters so we shifted to covering dating from all around the world as the seasons. Progress to the fun part. Is things happen. I san francisco the tech center and counterculture capital of the world. We love for you to keep tuning in to our older episodes. But there's no set order to listen in so feel free to jump to more. Recent seasons are relevant episodes for you. Enjoy the show this episode of dateable as brought to you by scoot. You can explore san francisco on electric scooters and have the best. I state of your life dateable listeners. Get a special deal. Sign up for ten dollars and get three hours of scooting sign up at scoot dot co forward slash date able where usa code hot date. Hey everyone welcome to another episode of dateable that opens up a candidate conversation about dating in san francisco san diego or is that something. You don't wanna talk about. Michael vargas not very happening. Just because i'm focusing another thing. But i'm reading some good people so that's good So that person that was just pushing me to get some truth out of my life was my lovely co host and on each episode we dissect a dating story but before we do that folks you way. I believe you have something to share with us. Yeah so You remember from our last season. The finale we talked to this guy named robert who did his own tinder experiment where he wrote the message. Are you opposed to hooking up question. Mark winky face to you twenty tender matches so then i was inspired to do the same thing on tinder myself so i like to report those results because i'm not shared them with anybody so for for ten minutes straight. I write swiped for everyone. Okay and for the first twenty matches. I got this is i wrote this message except i got confused by what the message was now looking back on it. I did a double negative in my question. Which is are you not opposed to hooking up question mark wiki which is very cook. I'm sorry i fucked up experiment but it makes it even more interesting. Because i think it's not as straightforward of the twenty guys. I message nineteen responded except for one guy. Tom who is still leaving me hanging. So i'm so waiting for him to respond. It's just not checking tinder. Probably maybe i don't know and of the one thousand nine. That responded eighteen said yes and one guy stood out and said are you for real so he totally called me out. But i'm going to go through some of the responses. I got the variations on ya'll let's took up so people are like i'm not opposed to anything and this guy was like. Can you be more specific. What is double negative at. Should i be opposed. One guy said no. Not postal hooking up. Let's meet up. But one guy was like i gotta go the mall. I and get a pair of shoes. And then i have dinner plans but what about after dinner pay. So there's more to the story because this happened around valentine's day and valentine's day weekend i went to napa with my good friends who are married to each other and they get wasted and they love playing on tender. You guys know this. I'm sure you all have those. Mary trans who love playing on your tender. Because they've never done it before so it got really explicit with my friend's husband got a hold of this and he was like oh you're asking people to hook up and has met next message would be like which holes are off limits. Next day we wake up and my husband's like you know. I had a really fun time in your tender. But there's this one guy i think you should keep talking to you okay so my friend wrote some really inappropriate things like what holes are off limits all that stuff and this guy just kept saying. I don't think you're real. I don't know. I don't think for real so. We went on a date which turned into several dates. So we yeah. It's kinda crazy all from tinder experiment and he.

00:05:04 - 00:10:03

I think now realizes that that was a result of tinder experiment. But i did not tell him when i first met him. And you know what we gotta give props a robert. Because that's what robert said there's gonna be one guy for a different reason which actually gonna turn out in his favor. I learned something from this experiment is that i don't ever wanna do this again. Because i think really toys with people's feelings. I actually feel bad. I want to apologize to anybody. Who's victim to this. I we are. This is a very innocent experiment. But i didn't wanna toy with anybody's feelings so the takeaway from all this is swipe right so i pry but don't toy with people's feelings and the other is. I'm still eating talk to respond back to me. Respond back to you way. She's dying on the inside. can i call him out. Tom works at. Google Is from iowa. Plus we have a mutual friend and the friend was on the podcast. Be some other girls successfully often. Maybe i hope that's the case. But anyway that's a. I think we can go onto our regular broadcasting. Now let's speak in. We have a guest in our studio today. his name is saying. What is your dating story. So give a little story about a tender date that i had happened. God i don't know maybe like three or four months ago now so i master this girl. She's very cute. Lives out in. Oakland and i was like. She's in very interesting. She like cool photos of doing weird stuff and she was a dj and that's also interesting and more rare in the city where everyone is just sitting behind a keyboard all the time so we schedule the date. Here's my little dating secret for people is all around downtown. There are a whole bunch of secret hidden rooftop parks rooftop part. Yeah they're awesome. There's a whole bunch of morand. So i said let's meet up. At one of those. do lunch. She had a couple of dietary issues. So i was like. I'm going to make us up. Sal made up like a scallop blood orange salad. You made that for a first day. what attack. How can we love scallops. All right so. I get to the little thing and wait and wait so after about like thirty minutes mike. I definitely just stood up on. This happened so far in my experience. Luckily it was a little hungry said so again back home and i'll get looked in this series of tinder messages. Where ono all caps locks totally forgot so sorry. Can we go on another date as church. We all screw up when i'm like. Oh like i'm bad at using the app. Okay well. here's my phone number. And she's like. Oh yes so actually tomorrow night. I'm dj show in the city cool color coded so i get to the show and i had a lesbian mar which i was like. Oh okay so all of us are going to be interested in you. This is super convenient. It was a normal bar at least have like fifty fifty. Odds is like really not ideal. There's maybe like ten or fifteen people there. She's dj at the moment. and so. this is where i like. The i like weird. Do awkwardly right up densely deejay booth as well. She finally finishes her set and like all of her friends. Can't cluster around her. She goes through and says hot everybody. 'cause usually hayes sam hasn't caroline and so she also chances the guy but the same time i'm like this is weird. She didn't act with him the way like she did with her friends so she proceeds to disappear for like thirty minutes so while she's in back i walk up to the guy i'm like. Oh hey so. How do you know her. We met like two days ago. And i'm like all right so whether or not she thinks this is a. She's on with him. He definitely thinks that he's on with her. So this is like their second date. I didn't pry into much so check comes back out dancing with us but with the whole group and so it's like her in the middle of her group of friends like dancing and like come over and like death for a moment like go back and like ching nature like dance each friend just a little bit so he also wasn't awkward like she was just as with the two guys. Everyone else is. they're all female. Yes and lesbians right but it's like you a guy and then a bunch of girls. Yes so wait. This is like a hint of lost for her. This is a group day after. Like maybe like ten minutes or something like all right. I'm out here chick once again.

00:10:03 - 00:15:02

Like disappeared smack off and like headed out then the next day she sends me like this once again. Like a string of messages. Stick sam because we have another date. I'm so sorry. So you're you're betting for to. Yeah i don't have any reason why i think a third date would be any different from numbers one or two so you never on the third day with her. No did not. Did you call her out on her. Shit yeah i did not do any more than just the oath saying to over two on the date okay. That's enough well okay. Well this is a problem that i face as well and we all do that. Dating has become so casual that it's almost like too casual and then you don't know this is actual day or you're just hanging out and whatever you were at some orgy date. I don't even know. I just don't think people get it. I don't think people get their like twain with people's emotions and she just wanted a fan club. Does she want you to follow her own instagram. I think she did link to that. Inner tinder profile. I'm not sure it sounds like she was just building the funnel because the first date. Maybe she had double booked to because she saw the other guy. I'll you have something. Yes a big thing with dating being so casual here. Right is that sometimes. We don't really tell the person how we feel. Do you feel like you really told her that. You are going out of your way to accommodate her and make these scallops solids or was it kind of like meet me here. Let's hang up. I think they're pretty good job of making it like clear because yeah sometimes i not as good in that one. This one. We did like really had a couple of back and forth. Oh hey so. There's a whole these secret barks. There's one of here and she was like. Oh my god that sounds amazing and then it was like. Oh but i can't eat this thing. Whatever no problem i will make salads. I mean that's pretty definitive with that is just hanging out. So why can't we just come out and say it's a date you know we're not hanging out like can we just fucking get rid of that phrase a hate when people go. You want to hang out this week. No i hang out with my friends. If you want to me on a date. I will go on a date with you so i met the sky on tinder. I canceled on him last minute. Maybe like an hour before date. Because i really had a conflicting meeting and he called me out and said you know that's not that's not cool and to do this so last minute. I don't know if this is a legitimate reason. This is your way of telling you not interested than just tell me straight out but if you are still interested the ball's in your court you let me know when you're free. Yeah and. I actually really appreciate that. Well i think for meals feeling once now accidentally missed tinder date or a first date. If things like. I had in my calendar as the wrong day right. I don't remember that. Was this a year ago. And i remember i missed one and i was mortified. Like was like please go the other day. And i made sure to kill it on the second delay was like felt terrible about having like not pulled through on the first one. What are your thoughts about comparing online dating versus. Meaning someone real life. Do you feel like there's more commitment to meet someone when you meet them in real life. I feel like this one was a flake. But that's that's one of the only twice that's ever happened out of a huge number of i. Eight sillier tender right now. Can i see how many matches you had to lead it a lot. But yeah totally. Let's see sam. I actually think online dating helped me give feel like more of a de. We didn't realize you're like i've no idea what this really is. Especially if you beat someone like a bar complete garbage ninety percents him so people were flaking out on you with that because if someone you know in real life you're just hanging out and so i was like. Oh well we're just hanging out. I'm sorry i can't just hang out on friday like a tinder dates. But i'm just curious what do you think is the percentage of people that used hinder as a serious dating app versus dresser hookup. The i think it depends on like weather. People are looking at tinder. As i want to go on a i d and i want it to mean something versus people who just like just looking for an easy way. I think it's that's a very good point because tinder is the online equivalent of meeting. Someone at a bar and e harmony is equivalent of meeting someone at church. So it's like even someone who goes to church trolling for a wife. We'll also go on tinder looking for booty or looking for a wife as well right. So it's really the contacts of wing. Where and how you meet someone and i do think on tinder even when you are serious when matched with.

00:15:02 - 00:19:55

You're the assume they're not serious. But then you have like someone who's trying to do a legit date so iran. And i think some people there you are rare breed but you would be able to attract the type of woman who's also looking for that because she'll be like oh he is serious then she can switch your mindset. So are we asking too much of tender. you know what. That's a great question. When i think of tinder i think of it as you use it to hook up and so when people say to me. I have co workers who are on tinder or like thirty five and they're looking for serious relationships and they're on tinder guilty thirty five on tender right here pointing where that that's a very good point. I think any if it does work like does it you. It's the context right but it's also about vetting you on tinder. There's so many things like the profile photos what they write in their profile so telling about what their intentions are without even being explicit about it. You just have to vet those people a little bit more. The beauty of tinder is a game of is dating and it brings quantity over quality recruit. Great study about well. You have a train and you can push a button what this does and it pushes someone onto the railroad track and kills one person. As opposed to one hundred. Most people would feel somewhat comfortable about that. Then there was another study. Showed that what the person actually had to do was actually push someone onto the trail tracks. As opposed to pushing a button or the one hundred people would die and that study a lot. More people. Were much more hesitant to actually do so with that. Disconnect that makes us feel certain choices are a lot easier but once it's closer and it becomes much more of a real choice season. Make the decision when you don't know who the person is. Well sam i think you should. I think the takeaway of this as they used to go to the secret rooftop garden yourself scallop salad at organically that way you should go on. How about we have you heard about. How about we negative. How we still wash it. They live how about. We actually really liked their product. Which is how about we fill in the blank and people who like your propose activity will reach out to you unless how about red flags. Another red flag. That sam did really well recognizing was when you went out on that second date. You're paying attention to how she was interacting with other people. That's a great way to find out. And kind of gauges situation how she is responding to you and how she's responding to other people and other red flag is pictures with the opposite sides of so many guys. Tinder have pictures with a bunch of girls in bikinis in vegas because they walked to seem as if women want them that they're a desirable person. Yeah they wanna look desirable. It really doesn't reverse don't do that guys. Just don't do it. All men have said group shots of women. More just makes really hard to tell what they are still often so often you make it. We'll make it through. You're like i literally don't know what human being you are. Fees is a huge red flag. Yeah super self absorbed and you'll know friends to take pictures of for everybody. It's always good. I mean this is like basic business principles. Go look at your competition if your girl on your guy friends tinder and swipe through girls. You'll get a sense of exactly what people are doing in my room. Mate traded phones for like an hour and played on each other's really. Oh wow this is something like amateur rookie stuff that these students are doing. Okay i can definitely not put that in my profile. Okay let's wrap this up guys I'm not even gonna do question of the day because we touched upon so many. Don't forget to submit your stories and remember we can always keep unanimous. We can change your name. We can change the names of people in our stories. We just want to protect your identity as well as last. But not least all of us are going to say in unison. One two three stay dates can be so unreliable. Scooter the opposition. You're in the driver's seat as right around the city so your time is up to you like online. Dating skewed is at your fingertips and everything's done through an app. Size helmets are included in each skewed. So you're always ready to go has a special deal dateable listeners. Just ten dollars. Get you membership and three hours of writing used to coat hot date or visit. Scoot dot co forward slash date able to connect with us visit date. Able podcast dot com.