A beautiful breakup

Julieann tells us about a serendipitous love story that becomes her most life changing relationship despite ending in a breakup. We discuss relationships as our biggest teachers and how forever doesn’t always signify success in relationships.

S2E16 A beautiful breakup

00:00:00 - 00:05:03

The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world.

And i move so i loves. We are excited. You've join us for an older episode. While our earlier seasons were all about dating in san francisco we quickly realize all the themes. Learnings are universal for all daters so we shifted to covering dating from all around the world as the seasons progress. The fun part is things happen. I san francisco the tech and counterculture capital of the world. We love for you to keep tuning in to our older episodes. But there's no set order to listen in so feel free to jump to more. Recent seasons are relevant episodes for you. Enjoy the show. The dateable podcast is hosted by you. A that's me and my co host. Michael vargas michael's dating coach who holds a masters in clinical psychology. And i a former dating coach in new york am now an active data in san francisco. This episode of dateable is brought to you by five hundred brunches. Five hundred wrenches connects like minded people with similar interests to meet in real life over brunch. You a questionnaire about your interest and how you spend your time and then they'll match you in small groups of six to eight at a brunch spot in san francisco get a free entry into a brench now by signing up at five hundred branches dot com and using the code date able everyone. Welcome to another episode of dateable. Show that opens up a candid. Conversation about dating in san francisco folks on each episode we dissect story. And i believe we have Julianne hi i'm here. So what is your dating story. Shah so something that i really wanted to talk about. I have had a chance to listen to a few of your episodes. And there's so finding and they're great but they're a lot of times they're Tragedy or at least the ones that i've listened to their like breakdowns and of course we all have our fair share of those War stories and dating. But i have actually in the last few years moving to san francisco had some really positive and growing experiences through dating and still like really good relationships with a lot of my former partners. And so this particular story. I just think is a very appropriately. San francisco story because it's it's about. There's some like online dating and of all some dating on like unicorn tech start up. There's just and magic and synchronicity. Where like. I just don't think it's possible to live in san francisco without really feeling the magic and synchronicity. That exists here. It's it's palpable. And it's really unique to the city. October right ended a significant five year relationship and i. I didn't want to date obviously immediately. After that i wanted to take some time like flagged be alone and that was also the time around which like tinder was starting to emerge so. He download tinder to be honest like ninety five percent of the messages. Coming through where. I wasn't really interested. They were pretty inappropriate. And i was like okay. This is sort of what. I expected it to be right. But i remember there was one person who i was like. Oh this guy looks really nice. his first picture. He was like unload on a camel. You guys if you need to look nice. You'd better be on a camel. Camel stood out again. I'm not really in the mental space to dating at this point. you know. it's only a few months after my relationship. So after twenty four hours. I literally deleted the app so fast forward to june. I'm on hinge sterling through. Then i come across this picture. I'm like wait a minute. The sky look super familiar. And unlike racking my brain like how do i know this guy. How do i know this guy. And i'm like oh my gosh. This is the guy that matched with back in january. It was a very distinct to picture because his faith his he has such a sweet. It was it was a camel was honest face. I mean the camel. This is where it gets interesting. So we're messaging. And then he goes. We just start talking and like typical co questions. Like what you like to do. And then on on hinged says where you work right and so he works.

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I won't say the name but he worked for like one of the at that time like the top like unicorns tech startup company. And i was like. Oh my god. I i was like i had actually interviewed there but i got to project it so i didn't say that but i was like. Oh you work for such and such company goes. Yeah you know seconds. Later he goes. Wait a minute. i remember you. I enjoyed what so this guy whose name was brian. He's still one of my best friends. And i got his. He's shown me that i could. He goes oh my god. I totally interviewed you and and in this moment suddenly. It's like flashbacks like i'm getting. I'm like oh my gosh. it's all clicking. Yes this guy interview me. He looks really different. Pictures from real life and he goes while i remember you because you i had just been promoted to manager and you're the first person i ever interviewed and i remember being so nervous. Because they thought you really cute. If only i just communicated with him on tinder when you did you probably would have gotten the job. I'm just saying you know about and and so we're like. Oh my gosh this is crazy right and then all of a sudden somehow memory that completely had slipped my mind until this exact moment i remembered a few weeks after my interview. I was walking down market street near market and second and i'm walking down and i see this man who's about a half a block away from me and he's walking towards the very tall very good looking and we just locked is. We're about half a block away from each other and in that moment i didn't make this connection but He's half a block away. We lock is in literally until we cross pads. We're just is locked. Like smiling love when that happens and in that moment that i was messaging with him unhinged i was like i know this is super crazy but i'm pretty sure that a few weeks after our my interview i cross paths with you on market street. And he goes yeah. I totally remember that goosebumps. And we're like okay. This is less have sex literally waiting for but you know what's really crazy thing like in that moment. Actually i hadn't remember. I just remember like when i cross paths with him. I didn't make the connection. It was only when i was on. We were messaging that. Somehow it clicked in my mind that this was the same person so anyway. So we're this is just getting completely outrageous. Really how all of this synchronicity. That topping right. So we're like okay. We obviously have to exchange numbers. We exchanged numbers and we immediately start off the app texting and at the same time we ask. So where do you live. And he tells me where he was. My roommate living right in my apartment all teachers looks totally different weird so so he tells me where you live and he literally lives five blocks away from me. That's convenient which in this is a small city. But that's still pretty crazy. Wait did you ask him. What are you wearing and you guys were wearing the same dress. This same onesie. Yes yes of course ended up meeting and it was. It ended up being like the most life. Changing relationship of my life Like to this day. Like i like both brian and i will say like. He's one of my soul mates. Like i'm one of his soul mates and the we'll never change. What was so life changing about this relationship. I it's really everything like i. It's like i believe in magic because of our relationship. And i think that like i part of even like how we kept crossing pads it's like indicative of the magic that was present throughout the course of our relationship. I'm actually a firm believer that that everything does happen for a reason. Every relationship is very intentional. And even the ones that are tragic and heartbreaking. Lake your mental. learn a really significant lesson. Maybe about how when someone treats you poorly or they don't show up for you. We'll how are you showing up for yourself. Like who are you being such that you created space for that relationship right like we are treated generally in the same way that we treat ourselves and so it was a first time where i became like so clear to me.

00:10:04 - 00:15:01

That relationships are our biggest teachers. Our partners our biggest teachers and they are mirrors. Who show us how we're showing up in this life and and it couldn't have been more clear with brian where actually super super similar in many ways. And so i. I was really shown how i i had some codependent tendencies and relationships. I had some ways in which i would look for love in my partner instead of creating it with the myself the way in which we grew together is i think the way. Some couples growing like twenty thirty years. We used to talk about that. It was even our close friends will say like you were meant to be together in this lifetime. And i'm not attached idea of forever anymore. I'm not attach the idea of being with someone forever. That that's what. I need. That that signifies like success in a relationship because i would do that relationship with brian a million times over and i would also end it right like in the way that we did like an also incredibly happy that we're not together now you know like learning how to actually end. That relationship was one of the most difficult and rewarding experiences of my life. Because we were. We loved each other very much and we also understood that we had an unhealthy codependent relationship where we weren't standing in our own power to like create love ourselves. We were in to be totally honest. I think that's what the vast majority of people do. Which is why relationships fail because we look to our partner to satisfy us in a way. That's really unreasonable. And the expectation and the pressure. We put on partners is just. It's not healthy right. And so. How long did this relationship lot a year a year. You heard of life partners for soulmate. Yeah yeah the article about like that distinction. Like the choices like like soulmates. Come to your lights teach you something. Where life partners basically. Someone could sell hawaii and with soulmates. What they often say is like if you actually are fortunate enough to learn the lesson. That's actually when it's appropriate to end the relationship and it's often the ones where there is that turmoil ongoing like repeated pattern of like pain or difficulty. It's like you're you're you haven't gotten the lesson yet. And that's why it keeps prolonging way. And i feel like we both had the courage to say yacht this pattern and it's not just ours we see in in maybe our parents or like other view at our families our communities and like wing. Ns cycle where you're able to do was really take from this person this amazing experience and see okay. This person provided me with something that was so necessary for my life. So that i can have a more fuller. Life are richer life and that's what it is and that's okay that that's what it is and sometimes i like what you said how we're trying to expect more and expected to be different but sometimes a relationship is just what that relationship is. And then that's it and that's okay and that's perfect for what it is that we both need in our lives. So are you guys at a point where it's like you're okay with dating other people like you're you want him to be dating other people you want him to be in love ops. Oh my gosh all like. I'm so happy for him to experience love like i love him in that way and he's very happy for me in the relationship that i'm in and he even like like my partner right now is really really amazing and super lovely. He almost feels like the fact. That i'm in a happy. Loving relationship is a sign that we did something right. It's it's like like helped you. Oh yeah totally totally because we feel so connected like. We're still soulmates. Like he's still one of my soul mates. But i also believe that we have lots of cellmates. It's like do you have friends where you're like. You're my soul mate. Yeah i recently had someone come into my life. I love san francisco and She just lit up my world. And i felt like she was someone who is a soul at it. Helped me learn so much about my life. It helped me see things and she saw so many things and the connection was just so beautiful. And that's what it was and we know that for the rest of our lives. We'll still have this wonderful connection and whenever we do get to see each other it would still be wonderful. Yeah and something that. I've noticed with my friends and even brian who was like you know. One of my soul mates. We actually tend to grow in similar patterns. And so it's it's like we get excited when we see the other person grow.

00:15:01 - 00:20:13

Because i'm like oh i wonder if that's kind of like have it in my life you know 'cause we'll see these parallels of our growth and he's almost like i love that you're in a really happy loving relationship because it's almost he's like. I can almost feel the energy from that. We just thought the world of each other. Do you know what i mean like. We both pads still each other. Like i was like. You're the most amazing person i've ever met. And he was like you are the most amazing person and so and i think it was the first time where we were like. Whoa this partners really sees me as this incredible being and yet i still don't necessarily see myself in that way. What is that you know in. Both of us had that experience and it was an opportunity. I chase may be worse dude. I believe that. I believe that we live such a collective experience and like parallel. Experiences are not unusual. I really feel like everything i feel. One hundred percent. I feel like with enough wine. Anybody commercial but i do want to bring up some. I'm jotting down all these themes that i'm hearing from this or learnings and one of them's is this idea of possession. I don't know why this word keeps coming up is that i feel like times when we enter into relationships are partner. We see our partner as our possession and sometimes we wanna be possessed to you belong to me and i belong to you and actually i think that's the the worst way to look at a relationship because the way you described it. You're like i'm in this great partnership not so much at this is a relationship. It's a partnership meeting. It's not we don't belong to each other but were meant to be in this partner partnership together to better each other ensure me like what. I realized that i truly involved with my ex. Who also that work out for. Similar life reasons and you brought up the first time. I realized when i stopped thinking about. What is this person doing for me. The more just. I want the world and the second theme. I'm thinking of the idea of breakup. That aren't negative yet because when we think of breakup oh you have to give me a really good reason. For a break-up you know he cheats or he doesn't treat me right or we were fighting all the time. But sometimes a break-up is setting someone free. When you your time has passed at the end of it was like. Oh my god thank you. Both of us had this deep sense of gratitude. And like you left me better than you found me break up with gratitude. If you choose to take that approach with anything like like any so often we take rejection as like a personal attack on like our self worth their value we are. It's like something that's not aligned with. You is moving out of your life and creating spaciousness war. What is aligned with your highest good right and how mature how. Many people think in that way alien. She's also that's a year's day neyland yup. Okay is there an app for that and then my third learn emmy. I'd like ten learnings but one my third takeaway is when you're meant to meet. You'll meet so. I hate idea of people being like. I have to be on every app because i have to cover all my bases. I really feel like when you're meant to meet someone. Open your eyes because they could be standing in front of you at market and second and not only that we met at the time that we were meant to meet. We would not have been come. We shouldn't we have been compatible like in january. You know in march when he interviewed me like those are not the time for us to get together so we didn't to me. Magic is so real. That's that's one of my mottos. Magic is so real if you if you just open your eyes and and there's so much available to especially love like everyone is so worthy of love. Everyone is so worthy of really fulfilling beautiful relationships. That's why i don't believe in hard set rules about dating. I don't believe in hard set ruled anything. Because i think that stems from a need to control and when you when you try to control situations you're actually really limiting yourself because usually it's the most beautiful things most unexpected things that bring you the most joy of bring you the most bureau love in your life and be open to the universe. Listen to the universe and be open to what it has to offer you. And i also say about like if there's anyone who is listening to this or you know and they're like oh gosh. I'm not doing that. i'm. I'm doing it all wrong. Like i'm doing all the things that they're saying. I shouldn't do. There's also no should and wherever you are like i know i sound a little bit like a self help book right now. But they're exactly where you are is exactly where you're meant to be like. Do not shame yourself or where you are compassionate understand that like life is really beautiful honestly as in you will end up exactly where you're meant to be and wherever you are now even if it's difficult oftentimes in those moments it's the most important to just surrender to experience and say like what is the lesson here.

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I always have the biggest learnings. When i'm in my biggest breakdowns. And there's usually something really beautiful that i breakthrough right after that. Be gentle yourself be gentle. You have the most amazing hair can just gently touch it. I'm touching unions. Hair right now julia julia silva maybe are michael. You and i are kicked out. So today we are. We are not in the soulmate club. Anymore michael you and i are still news and you have very beautiful hair to and i would be petting it right now. If i could michael do you have any takeaways before we move on to question of the day sometimes. We need to just see relationships We we experienced for a particular reason. And that's it and that's okay like if it doesn't turn into anything more that's fine and i think it's important to look at. What is it that we learned even if it's so amazing and wonderful unspectacular but it's doesn't turn out to be you know a marriage or anything like that. That's okay there. Was there for a reason. And what did you learn. who did you become. What did you experience in your life. And i think sometimes that is basically the set up so that we can have a more fulfilling life. I don't know about you guys. But i'm like now motivated to call the last person. I had a connection with and remove all barriers and be like less soulmates. Bad that's a great app. Miss soulmate or pity soulmates. Let's move on to question of the day. Because i think we can talk about this forever and thank you so much for sharing that beautiful story. I mean such a san francisco story but beautiful as well. So i've been saving this question a day for the most appropriate story and this is super appropriate comes from cheryl. She says. I was in the process of interviewing for a company that i really want to work for and on a dating app i matched with a guy who works at the company should should. I proceed. shrimp. Should i proceed to meet him or should i wait until after my interviews. My i guess my question would be like what's his role and what will be her. We don't know but at these you know a lot of these companies. You never know who's going to interview. It doesn't matter what their role is. It could be anybody. I'm just a believer and always being honest to be on like so i. I think that there's no wrong way to do this. Like she could go on the date. Or should doc on the data. I don't think that there's like a prescribed way to do this. But she could just say like. Hey you know. I haven't interview here and i'm really excited about meeting you and i just wanted to be honest and transparent about the situation and i think usually when you go into a situation like that with like on the anticipation truth like everything works out because like you don't know there's no one to three like steps of doing this correctly one of the things. I'd like to leave her with. At least there's some options of ideas because i think that's a really tricky situation. I don't i agree. There might not be a writer a wrong reason way to do it but some options i think also include like. Hey maybe ask if this person is going to be your interviewer asked that asset that person if they can have someone else interview or if it is the person that's going to interview you sleep your way to the top dateable ask. I don't believe in sleeping your way to the top. Because you gotta be really confident in your bedroom skills. But i do believe in taking dick pics as collateral so i would just go on the date fine away to take a dick pic and you know if you don't get hired for the job blackmail him you. Have you done this before. I just i. My brain works in mysterious ways jaw. Cheryl's gonna get this job damage. She is my soul mate. All right we're going to wrap this up guys guys at home. I remember you can also share your dating stories with us. We love to have you on our podcast. We love these beautiful dating stories. Let's get more of these in and We can change your name. We can change the names of the parties involved in your story. We will protect your identity if necessary and last but not least wanna think julianne for being here. Thanks for being the beautiful soul. You are michael. What do you have to say. Stay dateable the most efficient way to meet new. People is a combination of online and offline five hundred branches has your offline covered connect over brunch with new friends.

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Come alone or bring a buddy. There's always a table full of friendly faces. Mamas and eggs benedict sign up at five hundred branches dot com and use the code date able for free entry to connect with us visit dateable. Podcast dot com. You can also find us on facebook twitter and instagram. All under dateable podcasts.