S2E1 The Blind Date

00:00:00 - 00:05:02

The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world.

And i move so i loves. We are excited. You've join us for an older episode. While our earlier seasons were all about dating in san francisco we quickly realize all the themes. Learnings are universal for all daters so we shifted to covering dating from all around the world as the seasons progress. The fun part is things happen. I san francisco the tech center and counterculture capital of the world. We love for you to keep tuning in to our older episodes. But there's no set order to listen in so feel free to jump to more. Recent seasons are relevant episodes for you. Enjoy the show. This episode of dateable is brought to you by scoot shared electric scooters. You can write anywhere in san francisco. Thank you for providing us with a scoop quad for this episode dateable listeners. Get a special deal ten dollars for three hours of scooting sign up at scoot dot co forward slash date able or use. The code hot date guys were so excited to be back for season. Two a lot has happened. Since the release of season one we were featured and huffington post as one of the top dating podcasts. We had a nice write-up in about assaf. We've even set up a few listeners. With some of our guess how love karma and the response has just been overwhelming. I can honestly say that this podcast has been life changing for the entire dateable team and we hope to continue listening learning from you guys now. We cannot wait for all of you to experience season. Two let's just say you will not be disappointed as you may remember from the season. One finale i set out to do a tinder experiment of my own. After being inspired by robert story we will have all those results for you on the next episode but for this premiere episode. We did something a little different. I was set up on a blind date. And the kicker is my day tonight had to record a candidate post-8 interview. So here you go. Hey everyone welcome to another episode of dateable. Show that opens up a candid. Conversation about dating in san francisco and that very excited happy voice you just heard is my lovely co host. You a and. I'm always excited. By your voice. Michael vargas and on each episode. We dissect dating story and today. I think we have something a little different way. We do this past weekend. I was set up on a blind date. A complete blind date where i knew nothing about this person or their name. But what's really cool. Is that my mystery. Man is in the studio with us today. And what's double cool is that i'm going to be actually a interviewing them both separately. So we're going to get to hear two sides of the same coin. Yes so my missed you wanna do. You wanna meet my mystery. Man i would bring on in this is this is everybody claps and we do have a small studio audience as well to witness. Imagine if you did this every day you went on gall podcast talk about it not mistaking. We're gonna do ladies first so mad after you got your applause coming in. I need you to get out. All right he's out all right. So it's just you mean a bunch of the audience members exactly in our listeners. Right now you eight so tell us what happened on this blind date of yours so basically nothing about him and i didn't even know his name until he texted saying he was on his way so i had no idea who he was like not even association with eight so i get a text. That's like hey you it's i'm on my way and i was like okay. His name was matt. This is a sunday and the day before was super sunny and beautiful but on this sunday it was pouring rain so i knew that he rented a scooter to come and get. I was really worried. I was like. Oh my gosh. do i need an umbrella. do i carry the umbrella. Scooter this is gonna be so awkward. And he wrote to me he goes. Don't forget your raincoat. So i'm like oh boy. We're gonna be drenched. But he shows up. I was pleasantly surprised in covered. Scooter so it looks like a mini smart car. It's really it's really cute. It's like a scooter. Basically with a cover over it so it's got doors and the doors fly open like like one of those futuristic cars like wings wings.

00:05:02 - 00:10:05

Yeah and i kept thinking. It was like a bat mobile like mary. Cute little one was red so we have a lot of batman fans are pissed right now but that's okay with the battle version of a batmobile. So he pulls up. And i'm like my day is here. I really excited. And he's just like huge smile is face he's like on i'm here. He parks a scooter. Basically right in front of the building. Because you can park that thing anywhere and the doors fly open. And i had this moment of like. Oh my gosh here. He is my date and he walks out a swear. My head of slow. He walks out of the scooter and he has just really amazing smile. It's just like one of those smile. So you're like okay. It's not raining outside or chirping and all of them. Yeah very sunny disposition. And he's super cute. So i'm like awesome. There's gonna be a great date. We get into the scooter. And he's like what do you want to do. And i'm like i'm down for anything. I'm pretty new to san francisco. I'm down to explore while in this thing. We can pretty much explore the whole city in the next few hours so at first he's like let's go to fill more area and see what we can find over there like awesome. Yeah that's a great idea. And he plugs it his phone and it plugs into the speakers so you can play music from your phone. So we're like out out of my building. I swear to you. We're not even half a block down and there's already two girls in the next car taking photos of us. I'm like what we're so much attention already because this thing is so so cute noticeable. You'll be able to notice on the road for sure so we say hi to them. Day is off to a great star and we're on our way to fill more he's like. Let's just do a little detour around knob hill. Let's go down to like you know. Russian hill or russian hill and then we go to cal hollow and he's like i'm awaiting the marinas of we turn back around and then we go and then we go up pack heights and as we're going up this hill now is like you know my favorite park in the city is lafayette park. Have you ever been michael. Yeah yeah absolutely beautiful park. It's like got a gorgeous view of the water right and gorgeous houses down there so he's like why don't we just stop there for a little bit and go to the park superman. Take one thing. I forgot to mention that he pulled up. He had put his jacket on my seat to keep it dry for me. I'll come rarity so we go up to the top of the hill. And i'm like this is one of my favorite views. We have a moment of like. Oh this is so nice so nice spending this time enjoying the city that we both live in and then it starts pouring harder. So we're like let's go drink. Then he's like. Do you want to go home to visit darrow. I'm like perfect. I've never really hung out onto visit arrow so we hop in the scoop is like i always drive by this. Like bards called san francisco athletic club. I think what's called. And he's super sporty and in our like you know conversation in the school. He's talking about how he used to run track and how he owned a climbing gym. So he's like very athletic very sporty very outdoorsy. So he's in shape to right. Oh he's super in shape but it's like the shape of a runner. He's very lean. Lean lean man. So he's like this really caught my eye. Obviously this this bar. So we're like yeah. Let's go there. We go to the bar and we order our drinks and we just like really get to know each other because we know nothing about each other. And i can say that matt someone that i've never met. This is a type of person. I've never met before. He's very different than any guy. I've ever dated or been on a date with pretty soon. We start talking about relationships right. So i'm like How what are your. What's your relationship history. And he's talking about how he's the longest he's been with someone who was like two years. I believe he's never lived with a girl and he feels like now is the time for him to find someone to be with and commit himself to which is great to hear but there was one red flag that gets me every time. Here's what he's what. I call a converter. He converts ex-girlfriends into friends and he'll convert friends into girlfriends so it seems from his relationship history. He's only dated friends and those girls turn into fred's so he has a bunch of friends who used to be his girlfriend's and that he had he had friends girlfriends at turn to xs. That are now friends exactly. He's a converter. He funnels them through this pipeline. And that's really alarming for me. Because i have my own insecurities when it comes to jealousy and i get very jealous when a guy has a lot of female friends to begin with but to have a bunch of female friends used to sleep with and a little bit too much.

00:10:05 - 00:15:01

And it's very it's goes beyond my comfort level so that was like a red flag four before this red flag of this conversion tactics that he uses camera are. Were you feeling about him. So this is the thing way. He told me about his conversion process in may so much sense. Because there's something very comforting about matt where you almost put him in the friend zone immediately. And i think with him. We were having so much fun. We were talking about so many things. I felt so i felt so open with him and i felt like he was very open with me but i also felt the friend vibe. Okay so you already kind of had that vibe of his conversion from the beginning yes. I did but was most interesting about our bar conversation. Is that a turn into talking about relationships to giving each other relationship advice dating advice so he he was talking about something. Oh he's talking about like you know. At what point he's like. I believe the guy should make the most effort in the beginning. But at what point should the girl step in and start making effort so he was talking about how With some of the girls he's been seeing after three or four dates. He'll actually text them and be like hey just to check in. How are we doing. How do you feel about me. i am i should i make more effort or are we headed down this path of like friendship anyway. So still. we're having great conversation and then it's time to leave so we get on the skit we head right right on back. It's still raining at this time. And he's very gentlemanly. Takes me back to my place. But that i mean that's basically what happened but i would have to say i've been on many blind dates before and this was definitely the best blind date. I've been on really what made this so much better than your previous blind dates. When was the last time you pick someone up for a date in the city right. What was the last time that happened. You always end up meeting and you always get the tax. Like oh i'm gonna lift. I'll see you in five minutes but when was the last time someone showed up at your door to pick you up to go on a date to go to the players to go together. I find that extremely romantic self and you know what i like what you talked about him. It sounds like one of the things you really liked about is not only. Did he pick you up within you. Were outside you had moved throwing on and you got to explore all these different options and of allowed yourself to fine like okay. This area feels right. And there's something about being in that scooter together. It was very intimate. 'cause i'm like two inches away from his face gonna ask next to because you just met him and then who are. I'm guessing you're behind him like holding onto him. So i think on a normal scooter i probably would have to bear. Hug him and be big spoon. But in this quad i just had to straddle him so i don't think he wanted that at all so for you. You know it just sounded like it's real strong yeah and also we were both in a great mindset. We're both super positive for first date as this go you will rate it from a one to attend. What do you rate this one. Being the worst i ate you ever had ten being the most amazing greatest. There will never be a better. I ate than this worth where you reading it. I would say a seven. A solid seven congrats. It was a fun. experience audience. Wants to know. If i've had a ten i have had a ten. Oh sorry matt. I have had a ten that turn into a two on a second date so a strong ten on a first date doesn't necessarily equate to a good second date okay. I'm okay. should i bring. That is a you a out. She has exited. she has left the building. Love to hear from you what happened. Tell me the whole story. So before i met up with you a i had to pick up a little scoot electric vehicle that i had never ridden or driven. And it's this little two seater pod type vehicle that has no walls on the side a little roof and it was starting to pour rain so the timing was great. so so what is going in your mind beforehand. Beforehand is like wow while you don't can. I swear on you can fucking square. Swear oh you want. Don't fuck this up. So i it was great. I showed up and you know. It's pretty sure.

00:15:01 - 00:20:00

I told her right off the bat that i was nervous. I don't think. I rolled right up and said i'm nervous but was high. You know i'm kind of yeah. So picked her up and what nice as she was smiling. She was wearing a raincoat. It was just nice to show up on a date and have someone already be in a good mood or she's in a good mood so because we kind of had this. We're in this together kind of feeling and it was a blind date. To be honest. I had a little bit of information beforehand. Apparently she didn't know anything about me. You see her. What's like your first impression of her. My first impression. She had a little camera and she was filming. And i was like wow. She is so energetic and she was so happy just to be doing this so i was like yes. This is awesome and she's very attractive and it was just a nice like this is going to be a good time. So that was my first impression that this is gonna be alright. We hopped in the scoot. Got in there. And i've only been back in the city for about four months so a i didn't quite know where we were going to go yet. I figured we'd screwed around for a little bit. Just kind of have her experience being in this little pod roaming around. It's like you're on a roller coaster. So we we started rolling around and took off to some little. We stopped at a park. I totally forgot the name of the park already. But of course she gets out. I don't know if she was just being nice but she's like. This is my favorite park in the city. There's always great dogs here to hang out with so okay with some of the things that you're starting to chat about getting to know each other a little bit seeing. What brought her to san francisco where she's been talking about me being gone for a minute because both of us kind of have very not quite transient but mobile lifestyles. So where where we were definitely meeting up on just having having good conversation about so we it was raining. Pretty good at this point and just kind of find out. She had just actually. She's a trooper. I just remembered. Sheet cracked a rib earlier that morning or did something because she coaches. She teaches some hip hop dance classes. And i guess either co instructor or someone in the class gave her a big hug and just boom like one of her ribs right before she taught the class i guess got a popped out of place so she it was She's like don't make me laugh. This hurts a lot so good thing for me. Yeah there is no more pressure to try and be funny so so then we kinda decided since it was rain and we got in a little bit of walking in and we saw some cool dogs running around and we we went and grabbed before you get to the bar. What are you. What are you thinking about this girl. You just met for an hour. So what are your impressions of her at this point. I'm thinking she's way cool. I'm thinking that that she she's doing really cool stuff that she's got this great podcasts. Going you know it was kind of interesting to figuring out before this date like okay. Do i approach this like like a date. Like i'm trying to pursue. Someone is this what what degree of date is that make sense like what. What did you decide on. I guess i decided that. Hey you know this is a really cool person to know where it's our first time on a date. It's all been going while you know if it see where it goes from here but no expectations. That's one of my things is i. Try not to have expectations too soon. About dates because in san francisco. Here it can. I don't know what the other person's thinking and it's a little early. The first forty five minutes of meeting someone. I can't be like hard. You like me. do you want to go out again. And i don't want to jump the gun all right. So you're openminded. You're seeing that. She's a pretty cool chick and then you go to this bar. Yes we go to this bar. I'd never been in there Driven by a bunch. It kind of looked like a sporty bar so we parked and had in and sure enough. There were about fifty thousand. Tv's with sports on them and people. They're drinking beer and watching sports so we were.

00:20:00 - 00:25:05

Yeah it was. It was super romantic. So br romantic. So we kept it to one drink and i got to pick your brain for a little bit more and it was good and honestly i'd so i've listened to a few episodes and learned that her and you both third dating coaches and i figure we'll hey you know. See what see what you guys are seeing in the bay here. Because i'm new here. So so you kind of use it as a info session a little bit. I probably yes. I did but i don't think it was a gross amount of questioning or badgering to her about it. We are. yeah. I definitely though feel if my memory serves me presented her with a few scenarios. I had kind of gone through this last couple of months to recently. And you know it was just nice to have good insight from her. So you're on this. I'm curious your on this date. She seems pretty cool. You're open minded. And then all of a sudden we started talking about you know are dating in our in our past lives what what led up to that. Do you normally talk about previous dates in your i ate. I'd save thirty to forty percents of the time. Yes okay okay. Okay nice nice and any any any light bulbs that you got from it. I did get some light bulbs one thing i asked her point blank was just like hey. If you you're interested in a guy how do you show that. I had proposed a few situations i'd mentioned like hey you know i met. Someone had a good time. You know we'll see if it goes anywhere. Not sure if they might be interested. What's your take on that you know. Yeah that for me. It's an indicator to show girls. Because if i'm talking about it. They're more than welcome to talk about the dates that they've been on i. It's kind of kind of breaks down a barrier. Because i think there's still a jealousy issues out there and i just not me necessarily totally. That's a whole different subject but just being it being okay for to talk about their dating life just other guys in them you know so you just wanted to see how she would kind of react to that and and see if she would be open to that experience like to the idea of it. Yeah i'd say so and then the other thing too. I i got a question for you. You ask her like. Hey if you like someone how do you. How do you act. Or how do you do that. Or how do you show that you like someone. Were you doing that. Also as a way for you to get intel on seeing if she was interested in you in a roundabout way and subconscious way. I would say yes my swelled. Now i mean it's like it's like you're asking her. Hey how do. I know that you're interested in without directly asking it and it's good. You're doing work being very proactive. So now you're at the bar you had some drinks you're talking about all this relationship show stuff than what happens. We got out of there and we headed back towards Her place to drop her off one out just kind of kept chatting. I think oh what we were doing the whole time. So what's awesome about. This scoot is i was able to plug in music. So we're like singing along. I think i put on some lake easy like sunday morning. Radio on spotify so we were just like the oldies were coming on. And we're just we're totally singing as we're headed down the road so fun. Yeah regardless if anything by that point it was a great date with someone. Well okay so the question right. Got a couple of questions one at the end. Did you feel like you wanted to kiss bigger. I feel like god. I'm not going to be diplomatic about it. Yes yeah i would or i did want to. What stopped you. I just wanted to be a gentleman. Well here's the thing. I i was because i did a little bit of homework. And listen to some of the podcasts beforehand. Some advice from her she'd laid out a good three dates and nowhere in dayton number. One had been mentioned that there was any action was like okay cool because she had like a three date kind of scenario setup so i was like okay cool if we hang out again and personally for me. I also have a three date rule. So if you hang out with someone three times and if you're attracted to them and want something physical to pursue you gotta make a move on the third day if you already haven't because then you're going to fall into the friend zone.

00:25:05 - 00:30:00

Yes did you. Did you think that she wanted to kiss. I feel like. I don't know if she wanted to but i also am pretty sure if i would have like stepped forward and taking the initiative. She would not have turned away. I wouldn't have been like. I don't think it would have been the awkward like you kiss me on the cheek. You got me on the sheet and the face. Yeah or like oh yeah. She had these boots on so she she has this very unique dressing. She had tights on like workout tights. And then like boots up to her knees and i did not want to get kicked by this thing because she sock raleigh hip hop dancing. She's like athletic and he got strong legs. I'm just like oh no no no boot print to the chest today on a scale of one to ten. What would you rate this state to quote the movie spinal tap. This one goes to eleven. Ooh i'll ride man. Well done well. Hey thanks for taking my girl out my host my co host on a nice nice date and i appreciate you taking some time to kinda shares your perspective on him and so much. You're welcome. It was great. Thank you julie are you. Are you bringing you back in early. Let's go okay. All right so i you actually back in the room so now. You're both in this room together. And you know you both told me your individual perspectives. And there's actually a lot of interesting things going on and one thing that i wanna point out for both of us at one of the things. Is you both really got excited about you. Know the first time we saw each other. You guys actually had great first impressions of each other around so it starts off nicely and actually you. A matt was talking about how nervous he was about. Going on this date with someone who already on this podcast and has all this experience so you use a little nervous. I thought you were nervous about the camera in your face on. That was weird to. This is where it gets interesting kind of. I think this is where you to start. Diverting a little bit so you a what she said as at this point is she's picking up a friend vibe. A very friendly vibe This is a nice guy who you know. It just feels like you could be a potential friend and matt one of the things you were talking about how you wanna leave it open and you you were just trying not to push anything too hard. Because matt says that he didn't want he didn't know how to really react because he didn't wanna forces to go a certain way because such odd situation so he he didn't know how to play his cards on that one. Oh actually before that. There's something about jealousy and matt was talking about how he wanted to He wanted to kinda see it. i might be wording. This is not just right but he wanted to see if you how you would react to the idea of him talking about past relationships and making sure you're not jealous type. Person only says that she was a jealous type person that happening and one of my biggest weaknesses think from producer. It sounded consoling jealous gorgeous. Like because he knew you're a dating coach and get your opinion. I think they'll like other people on dates can come off as run when you're talking about other girls. I've been on dates before that's happened like those guys. Interesting time. yeah lightbulb absolutely. That's how i was like. Oh a friend zoned situation. Now because we're talking sharing dating advice. Now oh you. I was very impressed because one of the first things you did. Which you didn't even mention was that you put a coat on the seat so that you wouldn't sit on something wet. Thank you know where else to put in a sweet. I think it's like for me. It's the little thoughtful things that people do on dates. That really are memorable for me. Like holding the door open for me when you pull back the seat belt to let me out like that's those are nice things that that i remember. The little things don't mean a lot. They mean everything right. This is where it diverts a little bit more at the end.

00:30:00 - 00:35:05

I asked you both. How would you rate this from one to ten for first date. So you a you rated this a seven and then matt rated this and eleven out of town. I was pressing mad on this. I wish i asked you you a but at the end. Did he want to give a kiss and he said he absolutely wanted to kiss you but wasn't sure if that was the right time any kind of wanted to be you know he knew that you would want to wait three dates and you also want to completely sober kiss. So he held back but he wanted to a commendable i. Yeah that's pretty commendable. So i do want to talk about the giving the data seven so a seven in my book. Seven in my book is like a solid ten really. I mean that's like it's on the curve is exactly. I think it would have been a ten until the girls were brought into the conversation now. I was also very curious. I was also egging you on. Because i'm always curious but of course we spent a good amount of time talking about the other girls in your life so could have been a could've been attend if i didn't like this part on but i'm also i also do a dating podcasts. If you just like a lot of good intentions from both of you but maybe a things here there were not exactly clear. But that's just us misunderstanding thing. So what happens is when we don't understand something we want to put a label on it. We want to judge it. Because that makes us feel safe and makes it feel understood. But i i would say people to sometimes just being ambiguous and allow that to happen and just allow the truth to come out. Organically give it time. I think that's a big takeaway. I feel like seat. I kind of got a different. Take away from this. I feel like one of them. Was i made assumptions. During the day to that i could have clarified on the date so when we started talking about the the girls i could have been like so the reason why we want to bring this up and is more of a platonic vibe that you're getting i have. I could've brought that up. But i didn't. I was just making assumptions. That may be map was not interested and he and chew. Is i think for men. I think it's great to keep things open and to keep things ambiguous but at at a certain point. I do think a guy should be a little bit more aggressive. And even if you're like. I'm not sure where this is going. You can still push in a direction that you wanted to go not force it but like drive it that way and see how the girl reacts. Yeah i actually do appreciate it when guys like go in for the kiss for example or talk about a second day already after a first date. I liked that aggressive but also that's just my style. Some girls may not like that. They may think is all too much but i appreciate that because at least i go okay. At least i know he's interested. No no that's great. I actually have two questions but we'll sort of without one. What about a girl showing aggression on a date. You any signs. No do i get to wait. Wait before we do before we do you a. I have one question. I wish i asked earlier. I'm going to ask you now. Even though it's a little later if he went in for the kiss what would you have done. Oh i would have been down. Because i think can gauge so much from the kiss and then i would have been like oh. It's not platonic right right so now. Now mad i'd love to hear your takeaways in your anything you'd like to add on. This is all really good to hear. Actually that's here. So that's that's great. Very nice to get feedback. But you and i were talking about this. We're not mind readers so we were talking about this the bar it's like the guy doesn't know what the girls thinking. The girls don't know what the guys are thinking. I mean there's verbal and nonverbal communication for me. I'll be the first person to tell you. I'm really slow on the uptake to finding out if girls interested me or not so i have to like go out of my way to put myself out there or make a move because you know what the worst thing that's going to happen. Is you know you get down or you get kicked with some really serious pair boots but i do. I do wanna know this. He didn't answer my question. Earlier would be signs that a girl could give to show that she hasn't been in touch like just like gentle touch is always a good sign touch.

00:35:05 - 00:38:54

I feel like i touched you. I touch your arm. Touched your shoulder. Touched your pena's not one of the things we've talked about on this podcast That's what's going on here too. Sometimes the first date is tough to assess it s right like a lot of people up on the first day if there's not instinct chemistry and the reality is a few times. Yeah i think this situation you guys were not on a podcast. Talking about i fell. You probably wouldn't talk again. He would like it'd be right friendly. I don't know it didn't it would become a instant connection right but now that it's been out in the open and people that aren't on podcast. Maybe just thinking about lake. Should i give this another chance. See what can evolve. Even things like are not fireworks from day. And i will say this. I actually think. I just thought of this. You're wearing a hat. it would have been impossible to kiss you and a hat. Who would hit bill. Remove all barriers. What you do is you there at her in the eye. You move the hat backwards. There you go as much as i could talk about this forever. We should wrap this up. I do want to say this to our listeners at home. So this is. I'm like the guinea pig of this experience but we want to create this experience for more people. If you are interested in setting being set up on a blind date complete blind date email us right in on our website. We want to set you up. The only caveat is you have to come in on our podcast come into our studio and the interviewed and be as candid and honest as possible. Folks we can keep everything anonymous so no need to know who it is. Yes and if you have fun dating stories we want to hear those as well so with that said. Let's wrap this up matt. you're awesome. I had an really really fun days. And i want to say that i approve of matt going on a second date with my co-host host. He has to ask i. I'm not gonna assume anything. I'm not gonna assume anything. Hold on while we're on air making a mistake again took. I wish we had recorded that on video. I had no idea what i was going to me. I am lucky so hard. Right now i can just give me. I can do better than that is that are you asking. Y'all go out again. He would like to go out some time again. I love to know recording devices. No podcasts okay. And with that michael. I'm gonna take a cold shower and say stay dateable lending skew quad to me that for our blind date. Now if you dare. There is a video of the date. Just search for dateable podcast on youtube. If you wanna try scoot for blind date or first date of your own checkout scoot deco four slash date able. There's a special discount for dateable listeners. Which has ten dollars to sign up with the code hot date. Scoot is also having a party. This friday april twentieth second for earth day at their new headquarters located at ten seventy seven. Howard street there will be smitten ice cream and vegan food truck so hope to see you there then of course you can always find us at date. Able podcast dot com.