S1E3 The Mushroom Trick

00:00:00 - 00:05:36

The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world.

And i move so i loves. We are excited. You've join us for an older episode. While our earlier seasons were all about dating in san francisco we quickly realize all the themes. Learnings are universal for all daters so we shifted to covering dating from all around the world as the seasons progress. The fun part is things happen. I san francisco the tech and counterculture capital of the world. We love for you to keep tuning in to our older episodes. But there's no set order to listen in so feel free to jump to more. Recent seasons are relevant episodes for you. Enjoy the show. This episode of dateable is brought to you by five hundred brunches meet like minded people who share your interests over everyone. Welcome to another episode of dateable. A show that opens a candid conversation about dating in san francisco and the person that just gave us that. Lovely intro michael who you know. He does a lot of things. He is an amazing improv coach. And he also coaches people on how to date and next to me. I have the woman of mystery where i'm not entirely sure what she does during her day to day. I know that she likes to put on a blanket and dance sometimes and she actually also teaches people how to hip hop dance. Which i personally am a big fan of so on each episode we will discuss a dating story and then we're going to dissect it and discuss it and talk about all the issues that we all talk about behind closed doors. Were just gonna bring it up into a candidate. Discussion forum talks some real life people. So we're going to do something a little bit different on this episode. 'cause we're still trying to test it out you we're new podcast. So why not try different formats today are host co host. Michael is going to tell us one of his dating stories. And then i don't know what the story is. Julia producer doesn't know. This story is super excited. And then we're going to dissect it analyze it and put it to bed low nervous. I hope that's okay. I'm just going to breathe So this happened. Few years ago. I was at some sort of conference. It was like a two or three day conference. And i'm trying to learn as much i can and at one point you know it's the first night there and they offer like a nice buffet of a dinner and i meet this woman and we started talking about the food. Oh it looks delicious. The food looks great. Yada yada yada. And sometimes i'd like to try risky move so i was getting a feeling and i like to trust those feelings. So and she was talking about how she really likes mushrooms. So what i did was took mushroom. And i kind of gently place. It on her face and slowly caress her cheek with it. Wow you are so i'm classy. What can i say. And i knew this was either going to blow up in my face or work perfectly and she was laughing hysterically. She was cracking up. So so then we start talking and we talked a lot during the next several days the next couple of days at the end of the conference i found out that she lives. This conference was in san francisco. Right outside san francisco and she actually lives in. I always forget either. North or south carolina one of the carolinas. It's one big carolina and in the night we go for a walk. We're right by appearance so we're walking by the water. And i asked her to dance. There's no real music playing but ask her to slow dance and she said yes. We started dancing and we looked at each other and we gave each other nice kits about two months later. I thought of her and i texted her saying. Hey i just thought of you. I hope everything's going well. And she says how about i fly you out and you found a rich cowgill a little bit. I i was like oh. Let me think about this and i was like. I don't know this is kind of a big deal and a mine data to her. And should i do this. I don't even know what i'm getting into But after a while. I figured you know what. Here's a beautiful opportunity to hang out with someone that i that i really did get enjoy. And so i say yes. And i was there for about three days and it was great. We went to nine different waterfalls We got to pick off our breakfast from the farm in the back and it was just a nice relaxing time and we did get to physically enjoy each other's company which was very fun had sex because the way was up physically enjoy enjoyed classy way to say last parts touched and then i come back home and we skype a little bit here and there and we kind of fall out of touch because we know that the distance is kind of a hard thing.

00:05:36 - 00:10:03

Oh i forgot to mention. She's in her early forties. We can't type called. Hold her a woman. I was like. Okay she's a cougar. From so what. I'm hearing from you. Michael is that you have this very intense connection with someone who was very memorable. Because obviously you're still talking about her today what is your takeaway from the story. I think that you never know you just never know what's going to happen. Like i had no idea that any of that would happen. That me putting a mushroom on someone's face would lead to being phone out to asheville but it did and and so. That's that's i know it's weird but it just felt so right in the moment she really later on. She said that that was a really oddly. Sexy things for her to experience like she identify that it was weird so it just worked out right and you just never know what i'm hearing from this. Several things is that i think are moments in our lifetimes where we have these intense connections with people that don't necessarily sustain themselves like they don't last but they're very memorable in that moment right and then we tend to. I don't know if you do this. But i tend to compare every other moment to those moments. I'm like i don't know if that was as intense as when i felt with person and it kind of it. It makes me a little bit delusional. Sometimes because i'm like okay. I'm dating someone he's great. He's wonderful but we haven't had that moment. Like i did with john doe at this conference. Put a mushroom. I don't like how would you also bastards stole my move off way to stay memorable. It is way to stay memorable. She probably got a huge zip from that. And upon. But i guess my question is like how do you balance that right like how do you. How do you decipher. Something's real versus something. That's like very much in the moment it's for me. It's very hard to compare things because of the day it's it. There's just too many variables going on too many different factors. I'm a different person today than i was yesterday. And she's a different person today than she was yesterday. So we may or may not have that experience again in that goes for everything where everything is just changing so much and i think changes a beautiful part of life and so to fully accept. The change means so fully accept each moment as it's individual experience. What did you learn from her. People are can be so generous because of connection and to us allow for the connection to occur without expectations is something that can really make a profit experience for both people. It's so serendipitous that you're telling the story today. Because i had this lift driver today. Tell me that he prefers dating women who are in their forties and over. He's like in his money and he said it's because of this. He said you know when i take younger. Women are women. My age they have this fairy tale idea of what dating as and when dayton older woman they expect nothing and they give everything and they're very realistic. They're very much in the moment like this. We're having connection today. But i know that maybe tomorrow we're not going to be together so he finds it that it's actually less baggage today. Older women. I completely agree this and she wasn't the first person who i dated. That was older and i. It's been the same all around where people older women are generally more comfortable in their bodies. They're more secure in their life. They know where they are. They know what they want. They don't have any qualms with with what it is that they choose and so they're very straightforward very easy going and that's been my consistent experience with it so i wonder about this because i'm in my mid thirties now right and i'm getting to a point where i feel like one am better at hiding my feelings or managing my feelings so that i don't get disappointed high feel like as i get older. I know how to manage my expectations a lot better. So that i don't expect much from other people is is that a downside is that downside or upside.

00:10:03 - 00:15:01

I think that's the the ultimate debate right. It's not a good thing or a bad thing so talking about the ability to kind of you. Have you know what it is that you want but you let go of that and you kind of just manage your emotions of how you feel but you still allow for the experienced occurs. Is that what you're saying. Yes that is. That is a great point. I never thought of it like that. Actually but some takeaways from this. Is i think what i love from your story. Michael is that you were so in the moment and dating in san francisco. I've only been here for six months. I feel like people aren't in the moment. They're thinking about that next. Swipe their thinking about the next holiday party. They're thinking about that next networking event. I've had i've been on dates. Were guys have to their phones in front of me. And i thought that was the sexiest thing. Ever 'cause that meant to me that they wanted to be present but that happens so rarely. I recently had an experience where i was. I had a woman over a lovely lovely girl. I was putting on spotify and music. And i had net flicks on the background. And she's like oh. Do you want to watch netflix. Said and i said absolutely not. I want to spend time with you and be able to be present with you and have conversation with you and a like she's like. Oh my god. I never hear that how i don't like that's all right fellas. That is the basics. One zero one when you with a beautiful woman. When you're with someone you feel connected with you want to spend time with turn off your electronics. Don't have any distractions. Just be with her. If i'm understanding christ's no netflix and chill chill show. Do i really feel like people nowadays. And i you can blame it on technology. You can blame it on anything. I blame it on. Our education system is that we never learned right communication skills to point where now we're full blown adults in terms of years but we don't know how to communicate with each other as full-blown adults we don't know how to strip down to the core of someone and expose someone as their true self. All we know are the distractions of someone who someone is. And that's the problem with dating that you go on one or two days and then you go. I don't like them superficially i'm gonna move onto the next person. That's how dating works right. I think dating comes with time. I think we just don't give each other enough time to get more in depth to counter that guide. Sorry this is the producers Michael story met this girl. One time you had an amazing connection so sometimes it just happens or doesn't i agree with your points about like we. Don't people enough chances sometimes but you we've all been there you just know sometimes or you think. That's what made your connection so strong with the southern carolina. North carolina wasn't very present in this moment. They weren't as many expectations. And it worked out for you. If i if i was on my phone. If i wasn't paying attention. I would have absolutely missed that opportunity to meet someone wonderful. So many conferences people are just like glued to their phone not like the mushroom shirker. Totally missing out on the mushroom schick. You're the next conference i go to. I'm gonna have like six mushrooms on my face like okay. I get it guys. You know the trick. Now this notion of connection first time connection versus like gradual What's the nurtured connection right. I find that in the relationships. I've seen in all of my friends. The relationships have worked out or had longevity where the nurtured connections and this goes back to my first point of In the very beginning is that it's almost a taints. Having those explosive first connections it almost taints might other relationships. Because i compare them to that but that's not realistic. It's not sustainable. And i think that. I've i've personally heard of long-term relationship war long term relationships lasting when they also started as a friendship when they actually got to know each other without expectation and just getting to hear each other and understand each other and have fun and then a relationship was developed. I hear that more story much more successful then. First time bam thank you ma'am well. If you read season saris book. He talks about back in the day. People became lovers after being neighbors or coworkers. I always say facetime is so important. But in some reli- san francisco. This is why.

00:15:01 - 00:19:13

I love what we're talking about. Because it's so hyper localized somewhere. Like san francisco where there's so many entrepreneurs it's hard to see the same face over and over again. People don't know what consistency looks like. Anymore right yeah. I mean this culture. The beautiful thing about san francisco is that it's a very changing culture. It's always developing and the double edged sword of it is that people are seeing people is just an easy swipe after swipe right any last thoughts on this story might take away as live in the moment really treasure those connections but also know that it takes time with certain people if you think he or she is worth it. It's it's worth it to give a little bit more time to that person and my actual real takeaway is that take a chance. Take a chance in real life. Don't take a chance on line. A chance in real life go up stranger. Go up to someone you don't know and just start talking allow for an experience the happen and if it doesn't work out great and if it does just what it just worked out so please a liar south for that opportunity of spontaneity in your life and take a chance. Uh them onto our question of the day which comes from someone who submitted from our website. Pam says i've heard that it takes an average of three dates to know of you really like someone. Would you agree or disagree. My thoughts are i think Three dates is a good indicator for. If you actually wanna put real time and energy into it. I don't think it's an indicator for lifelong partnership by any means. But i do think although there have been stories of that happening but i think for the most part. It's a good indicator for. I'm going to put energy into this now and start letting go. Whoever else is around me. When i coach man i say three dates are very different. Your first state should always be somewhere that you're very comfortable so like a you were saying earlier. Maybe it's like going for a walk around neighborhood that you really enjoy or going to a park where a place that you frequent often. So you're like in your comfort zone and your second date should be just a little bit more active. Maybe it's like a hike or it's like you guys check out a new activity together. And i really think third date should be more formal like i do. Think the third day should be a nice sit down dinner because you wanna show that you respect each other's time so those are just what i think. The first three days should be like that. It's kind of like a progression towards a little more serious. I like that. Yeah and again. You know three days to then figure out if you wanna spend more time. It's not three dates for forever and for everyone to know that and please don't end up in relationships for too long ring that happens way too often where dental relationships is read an article about. Yeah where people end up saying. They're like six months later and do like how my syllabus relationship please have the courage for both of you to end it because the good news folks is if you ended then you get to actually have more time to be around the people that you both want to be with so three days three days i think is good explore to see if you wanna go further. But it's not gonna be predictor for the tenure future with that i would say think about your energy assets like your currency so you only have so much to spend and when you want to get to know someone you spend all your energy on them and when you find that you're not the right fit then spend your energy elsewhere because that's the only currency that you have so don't try to wasted or like spread yourself too thin like on tinder. All right you guys. Don't forget to submit your stories and remember we can always keep you anonymous changing your name changing your voice changing names in your stories. Whatever it may be to create a safe environment. Michael was last line. Stay dateable but dateable. Podcast is recorded in san francisco. We would like to think our sponsor five hundred branches for making this happen to connect with us visit date. Able podcast dot com.