S14E18: Putting Yourself First w/ The Confident Collective

00:00:01 - 00:05:01

The dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that The Huffington Post calls one of the top ten podcasts about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about everything from sex parties to sex droughts, date fails to diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologist. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explore this crazy dateable world. Hi, Dateables. Welcome to another episode of the dateable podcast. If you are new to our podcast, if you're looking for dating stories, dating advice, just sharing in the dating journey. You're in the right place. So good. If you're looking for, I don't know. Economic data. I don't even know what. What that podcast will look like. Hey, you never know. You never know. There's a lot of supply and demand that goes into data, right? There is. And we are in a love recession and a sex recession. So in a real recession. You're in the right place either way. Whether you're looking for a data or for dating. You get all your life advice here. It's good to go. Yeah. I'll tell you where to invest your time in terms of data. Yes, exactly. An invested yourself is what we're going to talk about today. I'm really excited that we're doing this topic. We did a cross collab. It's always fun to do cross collabs with other podcasts. So we did one with confident collective podcasts, so we were on their podcast. A couple of weeks ago, we talked about, you know, modern dating because of course that's what we're going to talk about. But it was a really great episode. I feel like they had some really interesting takes. Ray Ann. So there's the convent of collective is made of two of them. Ray Ann, she is actively dating, and then Christina, who is married. So it was a really good perspective. I think obviously on our episode having them, but also for us on theirs because they both related to the modern dating scene in very different ways. So yeah, definitely want to drop that for people to check out too, but we're so excited to have them on our show this week. And we'll link it as well. You know, we always link these collabs and what's so fascinating about Christina rayen is that they met because they're both curve models and curved models are I didn't even know there was a new industry term basically plus size models. Obviously, as anybody, even if you've never been in the modeling industry, you can probably assume what it could do to your confidence and to yourself worth. So I'm so happy that they're able to share their journey through self confidence and we can definitely learn from them because that industry is fucking brutal. Yes, you know, as someone that works at fitness, I've heard your stories brutal. It's brutal. Yeah, and just like it just shows you that there is no one form of beauty, but the industry makes you conform to this one size. This one look. So finding your own individual voice in this industry is very tough. I think it's interesting because we talk about confidence. We've had a lot of episodes on confidence. I would say this episode is more of a form of quiet confidence than what you think of when you think of confidence. We're not going to this episode is not about affirmations of the mirror, this episode is not. Even about looking your best. We really don't actually talk about that at all. It's about holding your own value and putting yourself first. And I know I struggle with this a lot in day day, like a lot. And I think women too are just positioned through all the bad data advice to kind of think that men have the power, which is ironic 'cause I know men actually feel the same. They feel. They feel the same way, but about women, yes. Exactly. But I think there's something there that a lot of us feel like we need to bed in our schedules to make dating work. And every last opportunity is going to be make it or break it. Is this could be our soulmate? I think a lot of times we forget that the most important person at the end of the day is still ourselves. And I think we struggle too. I've struggled with, does it make me selfish if I want to cancel these plans? Or does it make it be selfish? Maybe I should give them another opportunity. Maybe they messed up. Maybe like this or this. I was the queen of excuses for so many years that I just kept giving people a second and third and fourth and 5th chance and finally realize actually it's a lot freaking easier to meet someone that's just going to show up as they are. Yeah, if we don't prioritize ourselves, who is right, that's a question. If you keep changing your schedule around for other people and catering to their needs, who is looking out for you. And if you're not looking out for yourself, others don't treat you like you deserve that kind of prioritization. That's the problem.

00:05:01 - 00:10:03

You give off that energy, like, oh, everybody else is before me. Well, that's the exact problem, but that's the irony is that you're actually trying to be accommodating, you're trying to not. You know, to make sure that people give you a shot, but it devalues you. And I know we all, the word selfish has so much negative connotation. It makes it sound like you're self centered, the world revolves around you, but I think when we start to reframe the word selfish as I'm putting myself first and I don't even like to put I don't like to use the word selfish because I think it's a bad word. And I think you can also put yourself first, but also put people other people first too. It doesn't need to be an either or. And I think for so long I felt like it needed to be one or the other. And we learned that in this episode, we talk about the definition and the differences between being selfish, selfless, putting yourself first, self care, all of that. I've also heard that people who are selfless, who are people pleasers, it's actually a form of manipulation because you're manipulating other people to see you in a certain way. So it's not like, oh my gosh, I'm sacrificing myself I'm a martyr. Some of us become this way because we're manipulating the situation in terms of perception. It reminds me of the cool girl and dice guy too. It's that you feel like you're being accommodated, you're going with the flow, but you have it ulterior motive at the end of the day. Yes. You know, sometimes by just stated your needs, which could be seen as selfish, is actually the best thing you could do for your partner and it's incredibly loving if you could start to look at it that way. So really glad we go in the ins and outs of that. If you don't get Rey had someone that's in the thick of it in the dating scene and then Christina who you know has a super loving partnership, she has a baby. She's learned how to balance her own self, but also be there for her partnered family. Yeah. And you can only be there for other people in your life when you are there for yourself first. Not to give too much away, but that's, you know, you kind of know where we're going with this. Yes. Well, I mean, I think this topic is just so relatable for so many people, but I do want to bring up this point that oftentimes we believe the opposite sex has so much easier. I often hear women say, well, men can go bald, and they can have a beer gut, and they can still date young hot chicks. Men will say, well, women have it so easy because they have so many matches to sift through. I get like two matches a week. Just so you know, nobody has an easy, okay? Nobody has it easy. Why me, why am I the victim here? That mentality only puts you in this negative hole and that negativity really shows through. So the confidence actually comes from being positive and having this mindset of abundance of like, I can have really great experience who cares what other people are doing in their experience because they're not you. You can compare yourself to other people. I know, this is definitely something that I do firsthand for myself. What I was able to shift out of that mentality into like I'm just living my life and you know I want to meet someone that can be additive to my life and my whole life doesn't revolve around it. That's like when things click into place because energy people pick up on energy and that's how much of it we've seen this all the time like you can be the most attractive person in the room but you have this pick me mentality or I'm gonna just like sacrifice my entire life for this person I barely know. That comes across. It does. It really does. And it doesn't at that kind of stuff does not matter in a long-term, healthy relationship. That kind of pageantry, the winning mentality, it just doesn't feed into a relationship. So that reminds me of the fact that you all have heard as we are relaunching our finding your person program and we've gotten even more testimonials in recently. And one of them is actually related to a saying here is a one word breakthrough. It was somewhere between the finding my blind spots and defining my relationship goals that I had a major breakthrough in your program. You use the word pageantry in this exactly what I was doing in dating, getting votes getting likes winning people over. But finding my partner is not about winning and like you both said the right person doesn't need to be convinced. I am freed from the pageantry of dating. Oh my God, that is amazing. You know, I love that we've done this program now a couple times. You know, we got some really great testimonials even after the first one, but they're just keep coming in and it's really nice to see. We've said this before, but this is what keeps us going. When we get these messages, you know, we got a message recently. This is it for finding your person, but more general for someone that joined the Saudi board. They sent us a personal message that was like, I was listening to this other podcast and I had to shut it off after ten minutes because the advice just wasn't relevant. It wasn't a gay jig. And that I heard the DTR convo that you had on a recent brunch talk.

00:10:03 - 00:15:04

And I was like, yes, this is what I was looking for. And it helped me figure out my situation. And we're like, great. This is what keeps us going. The fact that this is like our content is helping people real time. People are taking what they need from it. We're obviously speaking to the masses what we do it this way. What's nice about 5 of your person is we could speak to board the individual, but in the podcast for about we're speaking to the masses, but the fact that people can take what works for them, leave what doesn't. That is such a gift and we're so happy every day to do that. So happy. And we're not here to shit on other podcasts. Every podcast has a purpose and a reason for existence, but our mission may be a little different than the other podcast, right? Like I think our mission isn't just about doling out interesting, funny dating stories, which is part of it. That was in our mission, our mission was to help all of us. It's not just you, Julie and I as well. To figure out modern dating in a way where we can date better, more respectfully, respectably, respectfully. Respectfully. And we can also just be more accountable for our own actions. We're in this learning growing process together, and this mission carries through every episode. So we're not here to be like, top down, this is how you should be doing it. We have all this wisdom. We don't work trying to figure it out with you, and that's why this program is so wonderful because we both put ourselves through this program. It gives you prompts to help you figure it out. And we recently had someone of a personal friend of mine who has been through the program and he's doing it again because now he's met someone who he thinks could be that person and he's going back through a few modules that are relevant to a situation now. So that's the thing. It's not just a one time thing you're in and you're out, you graduate, you're good. You keep revisiting the material and it does help you work on those muscles. Yeah. I mean, honestly, you and I, I think this is why we feel so passionate about it, because we have been through it ourselves. Like, when we started this podcast, we had no idea what we were doing at modern day night. At all. We were the people that got ghosted. We were the people that went out date after date that ever worked out, got hug up on our exes, people that wouldn't give us the time of day was in situation chips. We did it all. And that was a driver of this podcast for us, because we're like, why is this not working? And you know, it took all this, and I think that's the beauty of finding your person is we've kind of dissected the last 7 years of growth that we've experienced into this linear model that could really help make sense of all the stuff that's going on and I feel like I fell victim to this for so long that I was like, I need to lose ten pounds or I need to get this in order and then I'll be ready and it's like that isn't really what's holding you back. It's your mindset with it. Like we said earlier we see super attracted to people all the time that are having challenges a day and it's not because of that. It's like the quick fixes of the things we think it is because society tells us that's whose dateable is not actually the reality. And I think that's what we learn and this program and what we do on this podcast is how do we get to the stuff that really moves the needle that really makes a difference because ultimately that's what makes someone dateable and I remember in our New York Times write up that we got. The author had said that we were on a mission to prove everyone is dateable. And I believe that everyone that is listening, I truly believe is dateable, even though we have not met you all, but the fact that you're here, the fact that you're committed to this means that you're dateable and all we need to do is help everyone make sense of all that's going on for them. Get out of their own way and then that's when the magic happens. Yeah, I mean, our content really filters in the types of people who would find this content useful. Now the only thing stopping you right now is not signing up for the program. So by the time you're hearing this, the program has already opened for enrollment. We do have limited spots because there is a one on one on two component in this where you get to book some time with Julie and I. So finding your person dot com is the website, you have a few more days to sign up, get on it before we sell out again, spots are limited, but this program, I swear to you, we put our hard work and our own experiences, lots of tears were shed for this program. It's our own sacrifice and we are so proud of the work that we've done. Yes. Cool. Well, I feel like that, you know, wraps up all these announcements at dateable podcast on Instagram. That's our other plug, love at the time of Corona. That's the Facebook group. And you know, stay dateable because you're at this group, share it with a friend. Maybe they're not dateable yet. All you have to do is share it episode and then that could put them on their path to date ability. You like that? Yes. Okay. Well, before we get into it with ray and Christina, let's hear a message from our sponsors. This episode is made possible by filter off, so we hear this conundrum from you all quite a bit.

00:15:04 - 00:20:04

You match with someone on an app, you exchange a few messages and get excited to meet them. And then when you do finally meet them IRL, you're disappointed. It's like they're a completely different person than the one you exchange messages with. We can't have this happen anymore, because your time is precious, you need to check out filter off, with filter off, you can see the person you're matching with and actually get to know them over a quick video date before you waste your time getting ready, hopping into your car or onto the train. No more swipe fatigue, no more catfishing, no more text messages, pretending to be dates. Imagine being able to go on a date that's not entirely predicated on someone's ability to send text messages. Because you'll have already seen them and talk to them for a few minutes and you'll have a better sense of who they are and how you get along. Imagine being able to find someone who loves you for you and not some silly profile of statistics, download the filter off app or go to get filter off dot com and use a promo code date me to receive 5 extra daily picks. Start making meaningful connections today at GET. Dot com and use the code date me, filter off, date the person not the profile. Okay, let's hear it from ray ad Ed Cristina. Here's the thing we hear in dating all the time is prioritize yourself, but then we also hear, well, you have to keep other people's needs in mind. You have to be empathetic to other people's wants and needs. So what is it about the self care and prioritizing yourself that won't make it selfish? What is the difference between all of that? That's where we're going to basically discuss today. And we have the perfect guest to discuss all of this with us. They are the ladies from the confident collective podcast ran and Christina. Hello, welcome. Hello. This is what gets you run down of both of you, a little bio. So who is ray Ann? She's 28 years old, lives in Los Angeles originally from Denver. She's hooking up and having fun single and actively going on dates. And also dating someone by having to find the relationship. You basically checked all the boxes, except for married. That's so modern. Right now. I literally was like, yes, yes, yes. Yes, yes, yes. Doing it all. And then Christina is 34 years old. She lives in LA originally from Jersey. She's in Jersey right now. And she's married with a baby boy. Hello, welcome. Welcome. Thank you so much. We're so excited. So we are in the middle of a podcast marathon session right now. We just finished recording for the confident collective podcast and now we're swapping and having both of you on ours and we're so excited. We love that your podcast is really about empowering women to feel confident in all aspects of their lives. So you talk about more than dating. There's just everything else. And you both have very interesting backgrounds, but I love that the term used for both of you is your curve models. Is that a is that a term that's recently been thrown around? I feel like for like the past like 5, 6 years, right? Maybe a little bit more. Maybe even longer than that. I think yeah, that's an industry term. Straight sized models are like zero to size these days it's kind of a straight size 8. And then curve models are usually starting out like a U.S. 12. I love it. Let's celebrate all the curves. Yeah, and I love that your podcast is about confidence because we really truly believe that is the aspect that makes your day big life click and what UA was kind of talking about before. So often do we struggle with feeling like selfish or how can I put myself first, but also I want to relate to others, being able to be in a relationship essentially. And we're so happy that we're able to kind of debunk that, being confident does not have to mean that you're being selfish in any way. Right, and it's tough. It can be tough, though, sometimes like I'll be honest with you. It's a balance because we have this kind of whole main character energy and protect your energy and I'm all for that, but I do think there comes like, if your end goal is a relationship, like a relationship is all about compromise. Right. So it is kind of like a balance that I think you always have to be checking and working on, but also like I've been on the side where I have been in a long-term relationship where I gave everything to that person. I would rearrange my whole schedule if he could do something. I wanted to be with him and now I'm on the outside of that. I realize how unfair it was, not just for me, but for him to put that on someone. It's just too much. Why do you think you did that? Well, I'm going back to therapy to kind of get to the bottom of this. I think I might be and I could be wrong, but I think I might be a strange case where I was talking to my dad about this, and I was just home to visit my family. I feel like my feelings are so intense. I'm a Leo too, okay? So like I'm just a lot and not in a bad way.

00:20:05 - 00:25:11

I don't think there's a bad thing with being a lot. But I just feel so intensely for people. And he was in this situation, he was my first boyfriend. We dated for 8 years. He was my first everything. First guy had sex with anything. And so I think there was just like this weird obsession with him. I was just gave everything to him and once you start to do that, it starts with small things like maybe canceling plans with your girlfriends if he's available or weird things like I would be like beg him to go to target with me. Like I didn't want to go to target by myself. And then the next thing you know, it's your whole life where you're like doing everything for this person you completely lose your individuality and the values that bring you in your life that make you a whole human without this person. So I think it kind of happens slowly over time and I think I was young too we met when we were 18. So I think it was a lot of, yeah, we dated from 18 to 26. So I think it was a lot of things that come into it, but now I've kind of like jumped to the other side of the spectrum where I think I'm a little bit some may say on that selfish side where I'm like, hold on. Am I going to give this person my time? And maybe I'm cutting people off too soon. So that's why I say I'm like, it's a balance that you kind of just have to figure out along the way. So walk us through that. What is current day right at look like that your baby airing boron this side of prioritize it yourself? I think little rules sometimes, which I know, you have to kind of make your own dating rules. I would be accepting if a guy was like, hey, do you want to go out tonight? And this isn't like it depends on maybe, you know, if I've been seeing them for a while, but I generally don't accept the same day dates just because I noticed that it would throw me off. I'd be like, I kind of like to have a plan for my day and it will just throw me off and then I was feeling like anxious and just throwing off. So I don't do that anymore. Also, I'm like trying to like how do I think I'm still trying to figure this out and that's why I'm struggling. Aren't we all? We all, oh my gosh. But I also don't give people second dates all the time. I think that, and again, it's like a balance. There was a time if you asked me this like a 6 months ago. I'd be like, oh, I always go on a second date. If I didn't absolutely hate them on the first date. And now I tried that. Now I'm in this phase where I'm like, I'm not going to go on a second date if I'm just not feeling it, like have that gut feeling. So those are a few examples that I'm currently implementing in my dating life. And Christina, were you Friends with ran during this relationship? Yes. No, it's actually pretty interesting because Brian, I don't want to talk about your past relationship in a bad way. But in she'll say this too, he just was never really present. So I feel like I almost thought of ran as a single friend or not even as a single friend like I just thought of her as my friend ran like not my friend ran with her boyfriend because he was never around, right? When she say? Yeah, it was interesting because I said, I wanted him so badly, but I had never been more lonely in my life than I was in that relationship because it was like the more I wanted him the less he wanted me. We never like Christina and Friends when I lived with him and she never around never met him while we were together. Like it was just he was so distant. The more I wanted him, the less he wanted me. Well, that's the problem, right? Is like a lot of times we think to be in a relationship we need to be open. We need to give, make our world revolve around other people, and that's when we start to feel like guilty if we don't do that. I guess Christina, you've been in a relationship for many, many years at this point. What is your take on how do you balance self care? With compromise that's needed in a relationship too. Well, I have to be honest with you. I have a tendency of being pretty selfish. I really do, and I have always been like that. How do you know have people told you that? Yeah, like my husband will be like, wait, you realize we do everything you want to do, right? Or stuff like that. I wasn't always like this because I remember I was like super insecure and like when I was especially in college and dating and I would like go out of my way to like make dates for guys. I remember this one guy I had left this I'm like still embarrassed about about him and tell you anyways I was like wasted. I left this party took a train to New York City because like this guy wanted to see me and then it was just like such a disaster. Do you know what I mean? Like I kept doing these things like putting myself into like bad situations because I was like, oh my gosh, if I don't go right now when he asked me to hang out like I'm never gonna have like another opportunity, which is like such a terrible mindset. And then I don't even know when the switch happened. It happened like one or two guys before I started dating my now husband. But I started to like really honestly like just put myself first in every situation and think of myself as like someone anyone would be like really lucky to have and what that mindset like kind of really changed the way I started dating. And I was selfish in the sense where like I would never plan a date, you know what I mean? I'd be like I'd be like let someone reach out to me and like I would almost like play those games which now like looking back like were they a little immature? I don't know, but for me I was just like protecting like my energy and like being like someone who I just wanted to be sought after.

00:25:12 - 00:30:09

That's what I wanted. People that are investing into you essentially. Exactly. And you know my husband was really good about that. When we first started dating, he put in all the effort and I loved it so much and it was the way I compromised is like trying new things and I feel like that is how that's led into our relationship now, but I do feel like very much. It's like I can still be a little bit selfish and it is a constant reminder to like for me to have to be like wait, wait, what do you want to do? Do you know what I mean? Are you having fun? What's a priority? And I feel like it's sometimes hard for me and I don't know if it's very much in my Ares energy like just like where I'm a ram, right? Like I can't help but take charge in certain situations. It's always a constant practice for me to let him sometimes being control and for me to be like a little practice like self sacrifice a little bit. I want to dig into this because in a marriage, you've been married for 5 years now. And we've been together for like 11. Oh, wow. Okay. So then people kind of talk about the C word compromise. You always want to compromise in a marriage. So can you help us differentiate in your personal experience? When are you selfish? When are you compromising and when are you advocating for yourself? Okay, I actually don't feel like I'm necessarily then now that I think about when you say those like three different things. I don't really necessarily feel like I'm being selfish. I'm advocating for myself and I am just, oh gosh, I'm just taking time for me and like explaining what I want. And I think that is really advocating for myself instead of being like, I wouldn't tell my husband, I think I'm selfish. Do you know what I mean? And I think the difference is just being super honest and vulnerable and about what you need in a relationship. A huge thing that I made mistakes about in the past and I think that a lot of women do is that we think that people can read our minds. Most certainly the people we're dating in our marriage do not know what is going on on our heads. And I can't even tell you how many times I've been super upset about a situation that I never communicated. I think that compromise for me has really been just a lot about communication. I think you hit the nail in the head, it's a lot of it is women, right? Is we think we're being selfish when we're actually just advocating for ourselves and we're taught that we're supposed to be the nurturing ones and the caregivers and put men before us and I think we're finally breaking out of that. A lot of times because quite frankly, I feel like a man wouldn't even describe what you just said Christina as selfish. It would just be like, I'm just taking care of myself, right? Right. Absolutely. Maybe ray and because you're now maybe fresher in it. How do you set boundaries when you're dating? Like you talked about on a recent episode of how you're doing more sober dating, do you think that's a form of self care and self advocacy or are there other ways that you're kind of advocating for yourself right now? We're a big fans of sober dating. Let me tell you. It hasn't been going well. But no, but it is self care in the long run, but going into the day it doesn't feel like it, because you know you're much more anxious, but I know that afterwards, you see things so much clearer, and that's why I always joke about my dating pattern. Was that date one? I'm like, he's my husband. I'm in love with him. And a lot of the times it was because I was drunk, and of course you see things with rose colored glasses. And then day two, things started to get a little bit clearer, and I would be seeing things differently. I actually don't know if I really like him that much as the dates went on and on. But I think one thing I want to say, I think that like for me with advocating for myself, I've kind of had to reframe what a relationship looks like for me. Because I think in my past relationship like I shared, I lost so much of myself because I thought a relationship was your whole life was this person. And so now as I'm older and dating with kind of a fresh eyes like maintaining my independence is one of the main things that I want to keep in mind as I am dating. I want to maintain my female friendships and that's something I think Christina does a really good job with that maybe some people who think of it differently would be like, oh, why aren't you hanging out with your husband? Like she does it like she, of course he hangs out. There has been, but she does such a good job of making time for her friends and she came down to my birthday weekend in San Diego and she does a really good job at that. And I think that for me is maintaining that independence, my female friendships, making sure I'm still following my passions and doing hobbies that I like and of course, if they want to come into that, that's great. But if I have a tennis lesson, I'm not going to blow it off to hang out with this guy, which is something I would a 100% used to do. So I think I really just had to reframe how I thought about relationships and what they looked like in my life because I saw how it ended when I lost my independence.

00:30:09 - 00:35:10

So that's what it comes down to for me is just maintaining my independence, whether that's with female friendships with hobbies with work and having this person be a great add on to my life, but not my entire life. Well, I think sometimes we think it needs to be either or also either spending all my time with my boyfriend or husband or significant other or my friends or I'm either selfish or I'm giving. I don't believe it needs to be either or so much and just because you're making time for yourself doesn't mean that you're not making time for your partner. Christina, do you have any examples of how maybe making time for yourself has helped your relationship overall? Oh my gosh. I mean, I like brands that I really, really value my independence and I think that for me like especially after having a baby, I have a son who's like a year and a half. I don't think I realized how important it was to how important self care was to my relationship. But I feel like when you start to like set back when you start to make time for you, like you end up being able to treat your partner better because I feel like your head is clear. You have more patience. You have more understanding, and that at least is like something that I really, I try to be really, really present. And I feel like when I have time for myself, then the time that I have with my partner can be all about my partner. And I think that's really important because how many times are you like, oh, yeah, like I hang out with my partner all the time and it's like you're just sitting next to each other on your phone. Totally. So that's something I really try to do. I take the time I need, I hang out with my friends, I'll get my manicures, I'll go to the gym. I have my own routine. I do my own things, but I think that allowing myself to take those times, which sometimes I do feel a little selfish or guilty, especially being a mom. But then I just remind myself that taking that time, investing myself allows me to invest in my partners even stronger and in my other relationships as well. And you kind of talked about this on a recent episode is you had your kid during COVID. So there wasn't much self care time because you couldn't really get away. And now you're starting to see that self care time. I think the internal battle a lot of us face is at what point are you sacrificing your responsibilities for your own independence self care? And you touched upon this a little bit, Christina kind of reminding yourself that the self care is important is priority for you to take care of other people. What other I guess mantras or words guide you through talking yourself out of that guilt or shame? Well, listen, it's a little hard for me because I'm Greek and there's nothing like the Greek guilt, okay? Let me just tell you. Oh, I know. It's the same. Okay. No, you know, you know, you know. I mean, I just think that for me, my number one mantra is honestly is like comparison is the thief of joy. And I really think that is so important when it comes to relationships when it comes to friendships when it comes to work. And when it comes to motherhood too, because it's so easy to be like, compare yourself with everything like, oh, that mom is doing a better job than me. You know what I mean? That mom's at the park every single day, or that mom's able to balance work and child care better. So I think the comparison is the thief of joy. It's like my number one mantra that I always always try to remember and live by. It's like you just, you can't look at anyone else's situation and assume that you know all the details. You don't. You know, you don't know any of them. And what about you, ran? What is your internal dialog? You know, sometimes when you're single, some people can over correct to being too independent that they can't allow other people into their lives or a new person. So how do you keep yourself in check with that? Well, so funny you say that 'cause I actually the other day was like I've gotten so used to just doing whatever I want when I want and being on my own. I'm like, I'm kind of scared of when I get a really in a relationship again how I'm going to be able to compromise to be totally honest with you. I'm like, dang, like it's been so long when I'm in like an actual committed relationship where you do have to compromise. When I get into a more serious relationship, I'll have a more, I'm sure I'll have more advice to give, but I think what I've kind of been falling into is that I'm not going to give someone, I don't want to say this. In the early stages of dating, I'm not going to just give someone my vulnerability in so much of myself before they earn it. And I don't expect that of them either because I think where I got into some struggles with dating is when I would give up so much. I would miss that tennis lesson. I would switch plans with a friend. I just expected because I was doing that that they would be doing that. Right. And so it was like, wait, hold on. When I wasn't getting that in return, it felt really shitty. And so it's just been easier by, I don't really compromise in major ways and tell it's more defined, serious relationship because yes, you are going to have to compromise on where you want to go to dinner or how you're going to spend your time or what you're going to do.

00:35:10 - 00:40:12

You know, but I think I'm trying to think of early stages of dating these things. I don't really go too far out of my neighborhood anymore because I will be taking a 45 minute Uber to a date and have him not show up or cancel. I've had someone cancel while I'm in the Uber and have to turn around and I'm just like, you know what? For me, this is something that I'm not willing to sacrifice for someone who hasn't earned that from me yet. So I think it's just honestly been all it is is just a big learning experience and figuring out what things you're comfortable with and what you're not and just make those rules for yourself and what you're willing to sacrifice and give up along the way. I was at dinner with a guy friend who canceled on his date while she was in her Uber. Was that him? What was his name? Right now. Honestly, I don't even remember this guy's name, but I was literally in the Uber. And then I was like, all right, that's it. I'm not leaving. My dates, I'm like, if it takes more than ten minutes to get there, they got to pick another place. You know what's something that when you think about self correcting and independence and how do you compromise? I think there is something to be said about including your partner into your life and to the things that you love. And it's like, you know, if you love tennis so much like grants, like saying and she's taking her tennis lessons, like, how amazing it would be like to share that with someone so you can play tennis together. Like something for me, like when I met my husband, I hated working out, hated working out. My husband loves it. It's something he does every single day, and it's really important to him. So I was like, you know what? I'll go to the gym with you. He's like, why don't you come to the gym with me? And anyways, I ended up falling in love with fitness too and like that was like something fun for us to do together. And I just think that like being open minded and like allowing someone into your life is just so important and really, really beautiful. I'm like what we all want to feel like we put these blockers up and like we think that like oh, how is someone going to fit into that? But you can let them fit into the things that you're doing. You don't have to change everything for them. I love that. Like we always say instead of planning your life around dates, plan dates around your life. And I think ray Ann, what you said, I definitely got to that point. And I can relate to that feeling of like, am I getting so independent that I'm ever gonna be able to let someone in? I a 100% had that feeling. And I'm here to tell you that with the right person comes, you will be able to do it. Thank God. I was turned to worry. A lot of people struggle with that. But I think what you said really resonates because a lot of people are sick of the dating bullshit quite frankly, right? And it's like, I don't want to get into an Uber and go out of my way. But then the part that's hard with this, and I love Christina how you're like, how can we make this more collaborative? Because then we just become in this me against you mentality, right? Of like that. I'm not going to go to the extra way, because do I trust that you're going to follow through? What are your thoughts of balancing this of putting yourself as the priority, but also maintaining space in letting the right people rise up? That is the hard part, right? Because I find myself having this internal dialog so much and outward dialog with my friends who are also dating, it's like, and I wish I had more of a clear answer because it is that exact example that I gave of the date. If he's thinking the same thing, it's that what you mean against humanity. He's like, oh, well, I'm not going to go out of my way. It is breeding a very kind of selfish dating culture where it is just about like, how is this going to be convenient for me? And I think too, it's with that mindset of which I do believe in this is like, what can this person when you're going into a date? What can this person bring to my life? Or am I going to like this person, not as this person gonna like me, which I think is a good mentality, but also like we're human beings and we are all craving to be seen in our humanity and connect on a human being level that I'm currently still trying to figure out the best way to balance maintaining your independence and having standards in dating, but then also being open minded, but I think just like everything we talk about with dating is going to be a very situation ship type of situation by situation, not situationship. Are you getting not deserved? Be selfish. Yes. I don't even know where I was going now. But if you are getting great conversation with someone and you're really hitting it off, maybe they are worth that 30 minute Uber. I think you really just a lot of it comes down to trusting your gut and also for me what's really helped is like I said, I feel like I'm a very emotional person and really feel super deep for people and I have to remind myself like don't cut that off because when the right person comes along who can match that, like how amazing will that be? It's just there's no, I don't think there's like a black and white answer or a rule you can follow for this stuff.

00:40:12 - 00:45:10

It's just listening to your gut and figuring it out what's best for you along the way. Let's hold that thought for a few messages. This episode is brought to you by drizzly. If you look for it, every day has cause for celebration, celebrate a friend for their promotion, baby, wedding life thing, celebrate yourself for keeping the couch warm. It's no easy feat, especially if it's a big couch. Or maybe you just want to celebrate living in 2022, where you can get beer, wine, and spirits deliver from drizzly in under 60 minutes without leaving, said couch. No wonder drizzly is the number one app for alcohol delivery. And remember to share the love, you can get alcohol delivered to your friends and your coworkers and a nice surprise. Right now, drizzly is giving all new customers $5 off their first order, with the code fast 5. So download the drizzly app or go to drizzly dot com that spelled DRI Z, LY dot com and use the promo code fast 5 that spelled FAST number 5 for $5 off your first order. You're welcome. Are you ready to cut through the BS of modern dating and just find your person already? We sure felt that way when we developed the finding your person program. The endless swiping and bad dating behavior can really take a toll on your outlook. That's why we are relaunching the finding your person program that previously sold out by talking to thousands of data over the last 6 plus years through data, we've been able to pinpoint exactly what helps people find their person. Registration is now open and will end June 26th at midnight. Spots are limited and we well sell out, so register by June 26th at midnight PST. Go to finding your person dot com to sign up. Again, that's finding your person dot com. Something that Julie said to me and she has been saying this on a few episodes that stuck with me is that she said right before she met her now partner, she kind of accepted being alone and was actually saying, I'd be happy if I were alone for a long time. And I think that is kind of the key is when you feel so happy being alone, then when you're in a relationship, you're able to advocate for yourself because you've developed such a strong relationship with yourself. Now, let's get to this other kind of dangerous side that we see with a lot of singles is that they pack their calendars. They overdo it. I'm never going to be available. The person has to really chase me. I'm always traveling kind of escaping and I'm guilty of this in dating in my late 20s is I used to do this. I packed my calendars, I would never be in town because I didn't want to be the girl that was always available. What would you say to the person who's overdoing it? I would love to hear both of your advice. Well, I feel like ray and I are super different on this. Like for me, I love spontaneity, right? I met up with a friend today and I was like, I text her like a half hour before or another on my way I was like, hey I'm going to be at this location at this time. Any chance you're available now. And they were like, yeah, I'll meet you there. And I was like, oh my gosh, amazing. So I feel like if your schedule is like super, super PAC, maybe allow room for spontaneity and break this other rules, where if it's like, oh, I won't accept same day dates. Well, you know what? Maybe this is like the only time you have. So maybe now. You're a little bit more lenient on that rule and you accept that. And that's okay too. I feel like I get what you're saying, but I think that. No, I get what you're saying, and I think that is important. But I think too with packing your schedule full and let's say anything you want to get good at or accomplish a goal in life, you have to dedicate time to it. And you have to practice it and actually give yourself time. If you want to get stronger in the gym, you're not going to get stronger in the gym if you don't carve out time weekly to do that. And that's the same with dating. If you're end goal is the relationship and you're in town two days a month and didn't want to meet someone in LA. I just don't think that's very practical, right? Unless you're also meeting someone jet setting, like, okay, you do your girl, that's amazing. Get it. Yeah. But I think you have to, and especially with online dating, I had to set time. I would set a timer for 20 minutes a night and make myself swipe because I'm like, okay, you have to be and we talked about this when you were on our podcast. Intentional about dating. So if you're just living this life like where you have a jam packed schedule and don't even have time to go on a date, like maybe you're not really ready to go be in a relationship. I think you have to ask yourself that. A 100% agree. I think intentionality is really big because I have a friend that was talking about this the other day and she's in school. She's working. She's like very busy at the moment, but still wants to find someone. And I was like, you know, this actually could be your best filtering mechanism because maybe it's having standards of not that they're a certain attribute and like what we think of of having standards, but is this person gonna follow through? Is this person gonna put in effort? But I do agree with you and I told her this too right, it's like you need a block sometimes.

00:45:11 - 00:50:13

So maybe it's committing to once a week, I'm gonna have Wednesdays or whatever off day I have as my date day and that could be swiping. It could be I'm following up on video calls or I'm actually going on dates. But I think having a busy schedule, you can't be too busy that you can't make time for no one, but it also can allow you to let the right people rise to the top that are gonna willing to make effort. I think so many times people are afraid of missing out on opportunity. They just want to go on every date possible, but we both believe that it's not a numbers game all the time. I don't know if you both have a thought on that. You're the first, I feel like you're the first people I've talked to that has said it's not a number. That's the first time I've heard that too. I feel like everyone's like, oh, it's a number. I was like, no. Dating is a numbers game. Dating is a numbers game. It's a 100% out of numbers. So what's your theory on it then? I feel like every time every person and this is funny because we kind of talked about this on your podcast too of like, what are the trends we've seen? Intentionality. That is what it is. And you don't need to be dating hundreds of people. When you're just throwing shit against the wall and you're going on every last date and doing this numbers game mentality, you're not intentional whatsoever. So it's almost better to have a quality over quantity mentality of I'm going to hone in on these people that are one showing the signs that they actually want the same thing as me and showing up that they're someone that follows through on their word or things that are important in a relationship over just going on a date with every last person out there. I truly believe this is self care. This quality over quantity mindset because when you prioritize yourself, you wouldn't get an Uber to meet someone who you didn't vet were filter out, right? Like as soon as you got into the Uber, you should have a pretty strong feeling about this person already because maybe you've done all the work to develop something with them ahead of time. The whole idea around it's a numbers game is the problem with that is that people don't stay present in their dating. They're always thinking about what's next and swiping for that next person, thinking it's just, I just got to get the quantity. Julie loves the story. I have a girlfriend in New York. She went on Tinder first came out. She went on like 1500 dates in the course of like 6 months. She was like on the many days. Three to 5 dates a day, three to 5 days. She would take morning coffee dates, mid afternoon tea dates, she would just, I mean, that girl had so much coffee in her. I don't even know how she slept. But what does she meet in the end? Someone who was traveling, it was just a random occurrence. They were at the same bar at the same time, had one mutual friend, and she fell in love right away. So the 1500 people didn't do much for her, but it just took this one and it's because she was in a place where she didn't feel like she was missing out on anything. And she felt like she was really happy where she was. See, that's super interesting because ray, one of your friends, I won't say her name. But she we were talking about it. And she was like, she went on an insane amount of dates too, or the over the year, and I was like, oh my gosh, I was like, how I was like, wow, like, how did you have time for that? And she was telling me her story. And she very much was like, yeah, you have to date a lot of people. It's like a numbers game you have to get to know what you like. And I was like so fascinated by it. See, that's what I always thought because Julia, I feel like you described the numbers game a little different. That's how I always thought the numbers game was was like, maybe you go, oh, go out with a hundred guys, but you only need to find one. But then I guess some people might think of it as like you're dating 5, 6, 7, 8 guys at once is also a numbers game. I always thought when people said that, it was like, you might go out with that many people, but you just need to find one person. So that's interesting. Yeah, I mean, I think the people even when they're going on with multiple people, the goal is still to find one, but they're hedging their bets with doing that all at once. Right. So I think you know it's one of those things ultimately. We've seen that and maybe it is setting you up to get dating experience by learning what you like and what you don't like. And a lot of times people do that at one stage of their life. But what we've seen is that makes you a really great data, not necessarily finding the person you want to end up with. Usually that is when you're attached to your maybe a little prioritized it yourself a bit more and being selective of who you let through to actually go on these dates with you. Yeah. As we're talking, I'm thinking about like my mentality around that. Like I always kind of encourage when people ask me and in my own life, I tend to date like two or three people at a time to keep myself from getting too invested in one person. And okay, when we talk about it, I'm like, okay, as I say it and I have had said it a lot. I'm like, okay, that's actually like a good thing. But now I'm like, it is like a little bit toxic because essentially I'm saying like, I don't want to, and as I'm even saying this, I'm like, I see both sides of this argument, okay? Because I feel like there have been so many times where I get too obsessed with someone.

00:50:14 - 00:55:12

Again, I'm a Leo. And I'm like, oh my God, like I'm obsessed with them. I'm checking my phone, I'm doing this. So dating multiple people helps me kind of keep my sanity. So at a point, I'm like, that is kind of self care for me and how my brain works a little bit to keep some sanity, but it then at the same time, if it is the right person, they should be able to give me what I want and I shouldn't be feeling anxious. So that's a tricky one that I need to think about and are you keeping your feelings at bay, right? Because you're like using it as a protection mechanism. I think I agree with you. There is an element of self care. I think an ideal world you'd figure out a way to regulate that anxiety without needing a second person as the buffer. Totally. Yes. Hence why I'm going back to therapy. But I have to say, I think that's a very individual choice. I'm kind of with you on that ran. When I first started dating my boyfriend now four years, I was seeing other people, not because I felt like he wasn't giving me what I wanted, but more like I felt so, so right about him that I wanted to see if that was actually the truth by comparing my feelings about him with other people, right? Maybe it wasn't fair for the other people that I was dating, but it became very apparent that I wanted to be in a serious relationship with him. At the time I was like, am I being selfish about this? But in hindsight, I needed that. I needed to prioritize my needs in that situation. So that I can give my all to my relationship. And see, I've only ever dated one person at a time. Like when I was actually dating people, like I was only ever dating one when I wasn't interested, I'd be quick to drop it and end it and move on. But I never felt like the need to date more than one person. That's how my mind's already too scattered. Focusing on multiple people, no. Yeah, when I was dating all these people at once. It was either a self protection or it was because I wasn't really ready for a relationship. I think when you got when I got to a place of like, I could take a relationship or leave it, kind of what UA was saying. I was like, in the thick of the pandemic, and I'm like, if this is what big a load is, it's not that bad. And that's because I had built a solid community of people and felt love, not just in a romantic sense and builds a life. And I think that is so important, totally resonate with what you're saying earlier, right, and of just losing yourself in someone. I've been there too. And I think once you do that, you never want to do that again, and sometimes you over correct. But how do we start to be okay that it's not selfish? And I love so much of what we've already been saying that. We need to just redefine what selfish means. And I think that kind of is naturally happening as dating roles are changing and how women's roles are changing, like Christina talked about. I think she's a great example of that of just advocating for yourself. So I think it's just going to continue to hopefully get less that you're being selfish. When you were advocating for yourself without risks already knowing you were advocating for yourself. Was there ever a time that you're a partner was like, I want more time with you or was he kind of just like, okay with that like you taking the time you need. You know, I think he's actually pretty amazing at me taking the time I need. But we also spend a lot of time together. Do you know what I mean? Like it's not like, yeah, we're together all the time. But I just like when I, like even like today, I was like, I was like, oh, I'm gonna go for a walk. He's like, okay, cool. Do you want to let go? And then I was like, no, I want to go by myself. And he's like, okay, have a good walk. And I'm like, okay, you know what I mean? Just like little things like that. I think makes it a big difference. But he's honestly my biggest cheerleader and super, super supportive. So I just feel like for me, like I had to be like, hey, I actually haven't had any time to myself. Like, I just want to take a walk for myself instead of just being like, sure, let's go. Well, that's kind of like the other characteristic we see happen. And I think you have a really good example of this. But of the people that, you know, it's almost not that difficult for them to get into a relationship, 'cause they're so easygoing. But then what ends up happening is that they hit the self sacrifice mode and basically they're going for Chinese dinners when they hate Chinese food or like they're now accepting proposals just because they're partner wants to get married. I guess what advice would you have for people that are edging on that side that might just be doing whatever and not having any backbone. People pleasers? Yeah. Have you dated people like that? Encounter people like that? Then that person? I'm definitely not that person. For sure. And do you know what? Honestly, I haven't dated people like that either. That would not make me happy. I wouldn't want to be with someone who's always saying yes to me. I need someone. I don't even know what advice I have because it feels almost like so far. I think if you find yourself in that situation, I feel like you need to be able to really learn who you are because it sounds to me like if you're always like saying yes and agreeing to someone whatever everyone else is saying like you're just adopting someone else's like life and personality and I feel like you need to find some independence.

00:55:13 - 01:00:03

Which obviously is like easier said than done. But I think it would have to start small because it's like instead of being like eating Chinese would be like, hey, I think it's time for Thai. Do you know what I mean? And I think it could start as small as suggesting a different restaurant. But if we get to the point where we're accepting proposals because we feel bad, that is so scary to me and really I don't know how to come out from that because then it's like how do you end that, you know? And I'm getting stressed out for these people. Yeah, you're getting fired up. I am because I feel like I'm almost like too far out on the other end. Well, that's why Julia, what you said was so crazy. It's like, you don't think like, oh, if they love Chinese food, you don't think it's a big deal, but then it's like, you fucking snap. And you were like, I don't want you know what I mean, which is so toxic. It's like, and then this person's like, wow, do dog. I thought you liked Chinese food. Wait, I'm confused. So you're just setting both parties up to go up in flames. Like, there's nothing, and that's why I think it's so important and it kind of comes down to what Christine I talk about is like your self confidence is that just be open about who you are and what your core values are from the beginning, not the Chinese to his core values, but I think I should be core values. We love trying. Here's the thing. Because I have firsthand experience with this I dated someone who was exactly like this. And whenever I would challenge him back, he would say, well, I don't really have a preference. I don't. I like whatever you like. 'cause he truly felt that. I like whatever you like. And I kind of opened his eyes to this new way of living, and he was like, I'm on board with it. What do you do in that circumstance? Like, if you're that person's like, I don't really have any interest or preferences. I'll just adapt to my partners. That's interesting. I personally have never dated anyone like that, but as you were saying that, I kind of reminded me of, I was seeing this guy, and I was like, we had plans on a Friday night. And we had been seeing each other for a while. And I'm like, okay, look, what should we do? Should we go do this? Do this, do this, and he's like, oh yeah, like there's so many things. Like, I usually just like hang out and watch basketball. And it's like kind of a different but similar, don't you want someone who has a passion for life and maybe you don't maybe someone that guy would be great for. And he would just go along with everything. That might be great for someone, but I think, again, that's coming back on getting crystal clear on what you want someone to bring into your life. Do you want someone to be passionate about things and teach you things and open your mind to things? Or do you like taking that lead role and like I said, maybe that works for someone where they are want to take the lead all the time and just have someone be like, okay, if they're genuinely cool with that, which is kind of mind boggling to me. I haven't been in that situation, so I can't speak to it like exactly. But I got personally frustrated and was like, okay, I think this isn't really for me because I want someone to teach me things to show me different experiences to get me out of my comfort zone. I don't want to be the one who I always has to be in the driver's seat. Yeah, I feel like it goes both ways. I kind of just in agreement with what my answer, it's all about what you really want. I think that if someone's really happy to be adaptable and like just really into you and into your hobbies, like that's okay too like we don't have to like try and knock them down for like being into doing what you want to do and like pleasing you. You know what I mean? It depends on whether that's the type of person you're looking for or not. Like what we said on our podcast, like you're not everyone's cup of tea. Do you know what I mean? Like Marianne wouldn't want someone like that, someone else would like love someone who would fall so seamlessly into their lives. And I think like there's no right or wrong. It just like what your own preference is, right? So you two obviously embody confidence with your podcast and just everything you said. What are some of your own practices that have helped you prioritize self care and not look at it as being selfish or taking it away from other people? I think it kind of is similar to what Christina said when she was talking about specifically with her relationship with her husband. When you were a more confident person and you feel good, that's a better energy you're going to be putting out into the world and to the people around you into your relationships. So if you're taking care of yourself and you feel good, that's going to be contagious to the people around you. And that's such a positive thing. And I think confidence is such a complex thing and it's not just about being confident on your outward appearance. It's about basically this energy that you exude into, it can be anything. It could be like having the confidence to speak up for yourself in a work meeting or with your boss or whatever.

01:00:03 - 01:05:07

But I think it just really comes down to like when you feel good, you're going to put good energy out and that's contagious to other people around you and you'll be a better sister or a better friend, a better mom, a better wife. Yeah, absolutely. And I think for me, like, on my confidence journey, the one thing I really had to learn is to not adapt other people's insecurities. Because I feel like that was really hard for me. I think particularly an area of confidence I always really struggled and was like, my outward appearance and specifically my body confidence. And I think I grew up in a household and in the community that just valued a body that did not look like mine. And it was always like spoken about spoken about. And a lot of times it wasn't necessarily spoken about my body, although sometimes it was, it was people talking about themselves in a negative way. And it's so easy to hear someone else's like negative, self talk, whether it's about their body, whether it's about their work, whether it's about their relationship and start feeling that internally. And it's like, wait, you have to step back and be like, I don't feel that way about myself. Actually, I don't mind going to my 9 to 5 job. I like my job, or you know what? I like the way that my clothes fit. It's hard to do that. And you have to be very, very conscious about who you're surrounding yourself with and what they're saying because you are, you are who you're surrounding yourself with. And it's so easy for those words, even if it's not about you, even if it's not directed to you, to all of a sudden affect you. I mean, so true. So true. Because I think we're so self referential. So when other people talk about themselves negatively, we turn it towards ourselves and kind of find ways to relate to it, even if it has nothing to do with us. So yeah, that's really good, really good advice. What about actual self care practices that when you feel like you just need to reconnect with yourself, what is something that you do, your go to? I know Christina, you talk about walking, taking a walk by yourself, anything else? I love walking by myself. I just like taking time to even work out by myself, but just walking by myself. I call it like my mental health like walks in the morning sometimes. I just walk around my neighborhood, look at the flowers, take a million photos, I'll never look at it again. But that time, like, for me, it's just like a sense of clarity. It honestly starts my day off on the right foot and maybe even if you don't have time to do it in the day. If I get a chance in the afternoon or in the evening, it's my time to fully check out to make it all about me and something that I used to do all the time as I would use that time to talk on the phone with friends or family. And I love that. But I actually even made the switch to not even do that. I'm like, no, this is your solo time, either you're listening to a playlist, either you're listening to a podcast, that is how I start my day, and it really changes my entire outlook. And then also like other forms of self care, like I love going to get my nails done, honestly. I know that sounds like pretty superficial to a lot of people, but like, no, that is like, that is just me time. And I think like really making a point to intentional me time, like it really makes a big difference for me. Okay, for me, three major things have really changed for me when it comes to self care practices. I do every day. Movement, and that can be weightlifting. I was going to say yoga, which is so false. I hate yoga. I would not do yoga. I don't know why. It feels like an answer you have to give. Yes. It just felt like an answer. You know, I have gone into Pilates recently, which I'm still trying to figure out if that's a good movement for me because holy shit, that's intense. It can be a walk, you know, like Christina said. And then also gratitude. I know this is like the cheesiest thing. I feel like you hear that on every single wellness podcast. I don't know what I would be interested to hear, like, the science that goes behind physically writing out things that you're grateful for that to me has been really such an important practice because I think we're just running about our days and going here and there and getting caught up in this like sometimes if you're in a rut or whatever. Like just being like hold on. These are all the things that have to be grateful for has been huge for me. And then the last thing is who you surround yourself with, having women in my life, my female friendships are so important to me, confident women who build themselves up and build me up has been transformative. So those are my top three self care practices that have honestly changed my confidence and changed how I feel about myself. Yeah, similar to ran like also like investing in female friendships is such a huge priority in such a form of self care. I know like especially like now I'm married, I have a baby. Like to be totally honest with you. It took me about like 14 months to feel like myself again after having a baby. I realized even more so than ever, like, how important and how much value those female friendships bring to me. I love that. I think it's so good to have the actionable to and everything that you both have said today. I mean, this has been such a great conversation. I have so many takeaways. I think the first and foremost is that we have to stop feeling bad about putting ourselves first. Prioritize it yourself doesn't mean that you're not prioritizing others also. So I think there's definitely this falsehood that if I'm going to put myself first, it means that I'm selfish and what we've learned today is that certainly not the case.

01:05:08 - 01:10:00

And with dating, I think it's important to put yourself first because that's when the people that are at your level, that respect you and value you and when you can start to get intentional of being like I want to spend my time with the people that actually build me up and don't drain me of energy or don't respect me. That's putting yourself first and that's also setting yourself up for the right relationship and I still stand firm that I do not believe it's a numbers game and I think that's exactly why is because just letting everyone have a date with you doesn't send the message that you value your time essentially and while I certainly think dating is important, we clearly have a dating podcast. I don't think it should be anyone's entire life because when things don't go your way, you're just set up for constant disappointment because we all know that dating doesn't always go your way. You're able to bounce back so much better if you have a full life and this is just one aspect of it. And the reality is, even the best relationships, we can't predict the future. Things could change. The only real person we have at the end of the day is ourselves. And that, again, doesn't mean that we can't lean on others and be with other people. But I think the only way that you can ultimately protect yourself isn't by hedging your bats and spreading yourself thin and not really giving yourself to people, but it's by having a full life. So if something was to go sour in a relationship, you can bounce back because you know that you didn't need this person. They were just in added enhancement and connection and benefit to your life. So I do think ultimately prioritizing yourself is the key to finding love. Agree. For sure. Are you completely agree? Yeah. I think what you said, Julie, one thing I will add words of wisdom from my father. After I had gotten broken up with for the first time for my long-term boyfriend, I was so upset. And he's like, listen, ran. I'm not gonna make you happy. Your mom's not gonna make you happy. Your ex-boyfriend's not gonna make you happy. To only person, that's gonna make you happy as yourself. And we can bring you happiness. We can bring happiness, but we can not make you happy. So I thought that was so spot on, and that's I've kept that with me for a long time. Is that you yourself have to make you happy and other people can bring you happy moments and happiness, but it comes back to you in your core. I love that. And it doesn't mean that you're not letting people into your life. You still are, but you ultimately know that if someone's not treating you well, you come first, essentially. Yeah, that is my biggest takeaway is you advocate for yourself and that's the only person who advocates for you. It's yourself. And that, when you are able to speak up for yourself, it bleeds into every other aspect of your life, so you're able to better take care of the people around you. And it's not being selfish. It's about creating a strong foundation for your network. And I truly believe that when you wake up in the morning, the first thing is, what do I need today? What do I need to get through today and be there for the people in my life? And that is about prioritizing yourself. And we did an episode about happiness and happiness is innate in us, but other people can not give us happiness. However, in dating, we tend to hand over our happiness to other people. We have them decide whether we're happy or not. And it's time to take that power back and know that you're the only true source of happiness and nobody can take that away from you. I love that. Mike drop. Fabulous. Last words of wisdom before we wrap up. I think like the only other thing is it's like just remember everything is supposed to be fun, right? Like dating in relationships in general are supposed to be fun they're like they're supposed to bring something extra to your life. If it's not fun, you're not having a good time and obviously it's not a good time all the time. Do you know what I mean? Everything ebbs and flows. But I think that a lot of people just forget to have fun and like that is just something that's super important to me to always lead well. I think people's view relationships as an achievement as a milestone opposed to saying is this actually benefiting me sometimes. And that's the confidence to walk away. I think sometimes we think it's better to have someone that no one, even if they're not treating us well, but being confident and taking control of your love life and ultimately being with someone on your level is stepping away from those people so you can find that other person. Love that. Well, you two are fabulous and you've completely empowered me to take care of myself after we get off this recording today. I have 5 smoked chicken wings just staring at me being like, isn't this about self care now? Amazing. That sounds really good. Yes, chicken wings are self care.

01:10:01 - 01:13:05

So let's plug your podcast. Where can people find the confident collective? You can listen to the confident collective podcast on wherever you get your podcasts, Apple Spotify, wherever. I don't even know the other ones. We're on Instagram at competent collective and then my Instagram is at random. And I'm at Christina Zeus. It's with the Kristina with a K and then we're also on TikTok at the confident collective. As well. We're gonna be TikTok Friends. We have like three Friends, so hopefully we came up. Perfect. TikTok is a struggle. I know. Talk about self care. Even though we have no followers, we're still confident that we belong on TikTok. You do. Absolutely. Absolutely. And thank you guys so much for having us. Everyone come, listen to lovely ladies on our podcast as well. Yay. Thank you. Wonderful. Okay. For all of our listeners, what makes us confident in ourselves is when you leave us 5 star ratings in Apple podcasts. And also for the confident collective as well. That is what gives us the ultimate confidence to give you more content and more episodes and more seasons of great content. Okay, so we're gonna wrap this up today. Today. The dateable podcast is part of the frolic podcast network find more podcasts you'll love at frolic media slash podcasts. Want to continue the conversation? First, follow us on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter with the handle at dateable podcast. Tag us in any post with a hashtag stay dateable and trust us. We look at all those pose. Then head over to our website dateable podcast dot com. There, you'll find all the episodes as well as articles, videos, and our coaching service with vetted industry experts. You can also find our premium Y series where we dissect, analyze, and offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums. We're also downloadable for free on Spotify, Apple podcasts, Google Play, overcast, stitcher radio, and other podcast platforms. Your feedback is valuable to us, so don't forget to leave us a review. And most importantly, remember to stay dateable. Things have been difficult for many of us, but with cerebral, high quality mental healthcare is accessible and affordable, cerebral provides therapy, counseling, coaching, and medication management, all online, so you can get mental healthcare from the comfort of your own home. For listeners of this program, you can receive 65% off your first month at cerebral dot com slash wellness. Again, that's cerebral dot com slash wellness for 65% off your first month. Join cerebral mission to make quality mental healthcare accessible and affordable for all. If you're into designer furniture and you want the sofa that broke the Internet, you don't have to go broke to get it because designer looks furniture has all the same styles and trends and all the quality, but without the designer prices, check them out, designer looks at American signature furniture or designer looks dot com.

‍