S13E8: He's Just Not That Into You w/ Greg Behrendt

00:00:01 - 00:05:00

The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves.  I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world.

Hello dateable. 's welcome to another episode of the dateable podcasts. Where it is our mission. Julian i to help you figure out why people do the things they do. Why they say the things that they say and then how you can navigate it. All in this world called modern dating. That's a lot. i love. Come full circle. I know we are taking a trip back in time. We are traveling back to two thousand four when the book. He's just not that into you was released. We have greg behrendt. Who is the author that. I'm sure pretty much. Everyone is her the phrase. He's just thought that to you. It started with sacks to the city. He was a writer on the show. Became a book became a movie and i feel like it was like the words of wisdom that many women listened to and i would say debatably. We can argue that now it just as should be they are just a two year because i think the same thing applies to all genders all sexualities. All of that. We loved this movie so much when it came out simply because it gave you so many answers to. Why is this person doing things this way or said this because often in data where we're trying to do is win the other person over but we're ignoring all the signs into their very clear and frankly people are pretty honest on first couple dates so this movie was eye-opening for me because by the end of it i was like that's it. I'm wasting my time with people who are not into me. I mean i think i really. I definitely liked the movie. But in the sexist city but huge sex the city fat. But i feel like it would. Miranda got that intel from carey's boyfriend at the time burger for all of the city feds. Her mind was just blown because she's like i wasted so many hours. You know analyzing and over thinking and debating if someone likes her daughter if they were gonna call if they were going to make the next move all that stuff where it could be just that simple if you take with someone saying or what. They're not saying that's the key. The inaction is just as important as the action at face value. And and in this interview. We get to hear from greg himself. Because did you know that. Greg is the person behind this book behind this saying. Can you believe it. And he's a he's a hetero man who's been married for many years. He was a writer on sex in the city. He's the one that came up with this idea that was so simple and intuitive to him and to the women around him or just so mind-blowing the entire eight so it's really funny to hear it from his perspective but you know i feel like there is the simplification by. There's clearly a lot of do onset life which is why we have the wise why we have the house but we had a big week last week. At i feel like i've just like taking a breather dow but we sold out our figure person program so we're very excited were super pumped to work with all the people that signed up. We have fifty folks in the program. Which was our max capacity. And you know. We're ready to go and help them. On their journey that adventure that was a whirlwind of a launch. Because we had been prepping for this for years but we never knew how it was going to be received until launch. We came and i think it makes us so happy to cease. So many of you are excited to be part of this program but also for those of you who are still debating may be one to take some time. I before joining. You still have a chance because if you go to finding your person dot com now you can join the next wait list and we'll let you know what we open up the program again so you didn't miss your chance completely but also congrats all the people who join this one because you got in right on time the realities were not quite sure when it's gonna launch again. I think part of his. We wanna run through this program at least once with the folks and you learn from it too. But i think just getting in the loop because it did sell out relatively quickly. I mean we had a poll in our date because we just had too much demand. So if you are on the edge or you're not on the weightless yet you can still join finding your person dot com. It's all there except you unfortunately cannot sign up anymore. It's okay just get our list. Anyway you'll get all the good stuff we promise Some of the other fun things to spin happening is i think this is spurring up a lot of debate on. What does finding your person even being. We've gotten a lot of dm's and emails people thinking. I'm really interested in this program.

00:05:00 - 00:10:07

Because i am really interested in finding my person. We put up a poll on instagram. That asks would you rather find a connection or would you rather find love and ninety percent of people said. I rather find a connection interesting and i think that's very telling because love is almost this idea and but connection is something very tangible and until you find connection. You can't really find love yet. Yeah i saw some of the responses saying they were one in the same. And i'm not quite sure i agree with that Just maybe it's how you define love. Because i think you can love people that you don't feel connected to and you could feel connected to people that you don't necessarily love. I also feel like love takes a while to get there. A connection can happen pretty fast. And i think love is the next step to a stronger connection so i think yes sir one the same once. You're at that stage. But in the beginning i think a a strong connection is definitely the most important thing absolutely Yeah it's There is also another really interesting debate on instagram at facebook. We put up a quote around like find someone that is obsessed with you excessively slightly different. That sounds super creepy. When i say it out loud It no. I think that is it. It is creepy. Would you say allow deserve someone. Who is utterly obsessed with you upsize. Exactly yeah so. I hear what people are saying. You don't want someone that you need to get restraining orders on any what saying that. That's a good situation. We all want some of that has a life of their own also like all. that's a given. I think we're the sentiment of it is coming from that. I think a lot that resonated with a lot of people. 'cause yeah there were the people that kind commented like that. But i would say also got a ton of people being like al like. This is what. I want tons of like interaction. Compared to other posts we put on likes cetera. And i think the sentiment that resonates me is someone that you know just feels lucky to freaking. Be with you like the same way that you feel monkey to be with them. That's what i think we. It's not restraining order. No one's advocating for that here. It's a fuck yes-men. I think we say obsessed in a way that is very trendy saying not like obsessed like crazy by someone who is just so into you but it has to be reciprocate as you also have to be obsessed with them too. I think that's what is the missing sentenced. Yes can't be a one way street. And i think it needs to be healthy too. I think the point of it can't be like yes. I want someone who thinks i'm their world for sure but they also need to have other planets orbiting to it. Can't just be be either. Yeah absolutely i can. I can see it just a one way obsession that just not be good. That's why so many movies being made about that. But i think ultimately when you have these insecurities about someone you're dating because they're not back or you're not hearing from them no matter what's going on in their life and what their intentions are. It's impacting you in a way. That's negative right so you don't feel like they're that into you. So why would you want to be with someone. The give someone the time when they're just not as into you as you are into them now by when you just move on absolutely and i think like a big i actually went to a bachelorette party this weekend in palm springs which was super fun to be. I feel like i haven't been out. We went to a gay club that was super fun. But i think what the revelations i have we were talking about in. This is a friend. I've known since i moved to san francisco so coming on twelve years now and i know her before her current partner that she's getting married to but they've been together for seven years unlike On one side. I totally see seven years because they built a foundation and a relationship a partnership also in a life but then the other side of like wow weird seven years ago that feels like it has been knocked that long you know what it was surf for me was a real kind of a reminder that it takes time ag- i think. Size murky reina rush. Everything and the reality is it takes time to get to know someone. It takes time to build a life with someone. I think the older you get. Sometimes it can happen faster just because you are more comfortable with like who you are and what you want and all that stuff. But i also don't think it means that like you have to run at rapid speed either. There's nothing wrong with taking your time in the fact that like this is another person that you're getting to know. Sometimes it just takes time. And i think in dating. Just don't give enough time in. That's what makes it hard because there's just so many choices in so many people out there and i'm not saying like if someone's treated you shitty you should give it more time but i think if it's not you know i am in love after even months six. I feel like that's okay. I think that could grow as long as the connection is there in. It's you're seeing the progression. Yeah i had this Had a very tumultuous a conversation with my mom.

00:10:07 - 00:15:01

My mom came over for dinner. My mom my dad and you can tell she was working up her. God ask us something on in the middle of dinner so my boyfriend and i are. You know finishing up the end of dinner. We're having a great conversation and you just see her. Take a deep breath and i was like oh shit here comes and of course. It's the question of when are you guys to get married and have kids. And i jokingly asked her. I said mommy can only choose one which would it be. She said i want both. I want both as she was very adamant that she wanted these things. So anyway all worked out because and helped us have this open discussion and something i realized with was this in relationships and dating yes. It's good to look forward to something and have milestones. But you can't have your future disrupt your presence now if this anxiety over a future milestone is ruining what you currently have then you need to stop worrying about future milestone and i told her that i said you are bring in the future to interrupt something really great in the present right now so i like this idea of time and being on your own time slot as you see progression and you're building towards something it doesn't matter what those milestones are and don't let that pressure you so now she's like i feel good about that she's like i feel good about that conversation. I'm so glad. So were you able to think of that response in the bogut. Because i feel like i would just have gone a defensive. Yes so the way. i told. That story was fast for just like wait. Very chill the setup that night. We didn't even finish our dinner. My parents pack there yet and they just laughed because they felt so awkward. My boyfriend's washing dishes and he just looks so irritated. And i'm irritated by everyone. Because i'm like i'm stuck in the middle here. My parents want one thing. My boyfriend doesn't want one thing. I'm in the middle. Nobody's asking me what i want. So i took the night off. And i went into the guest room and i just thought about things and had a really great conversation with my partner the next day and also with my mom. And that's when. I came up with this because i i was very honest about the fact that i understand the. She's looking forward to these things one because she's retired. But you i think you know as a mom of when you're a mom and you have a daughter these are things a you want for your daughter. You want her to be protected. You want feel safe especially when they no longer you. They're they're no longer capable of doing these things so she's worried about that day when she is not capable. Who's gonna take care of me. And i told her as long as we can take care of each other right now in the present less. Enjoy this because if we don't we're wasting our time trying to think about this future scenario then nobody has fucking control over right. So i think she. I think i talked through with her. And i think i got through to her. I really hope so. Because she took she promised me that was the last time she's going to bring it up. You know. I think you're you're at a hard position to because you have legs i feel has there is okay like i'm sure there is this protection piece. But i think there is a little bit of a selfish piece and i've talked to my mom about this to like think it's even hard for her that my brother and sister-in-law live super close by a little bit of selfish piece and i'm not saying it's selfish and a bad way is just human nature that like if it's kinda like when all your friends are getting into relationships are all your friends are getting married. All your friends are having kids for them. it's all their friends are having grandkids. And they get the author greg kids and it brings up that stuff for them and i think that's totally natural. That's totally natural. And it's hard for you because you have no one else to flex it. You totally get julie so true. Sometimes i wish i had an older brother married with kids and my parents wouldn't give a shit. What does not give any of that pressure. Which i think is i think she just wants me to be happy but i think also like i think she thinks i like kentucky which i think is good and i think some of that is generational and changes of women. And what's possible in maybe some of it is just even giving your mom that mindset to like. I have this great partner. But i also pretty freaky capable of idaho. You know. i've done all the stuff. I by all like. It's not like i'm gonna be on incapable of something. Were to happen. Yeah she did say something. She's never watched sex in the city but she did almost quote the show and she said you spend your lifetime celebrating other people's life choices winsor gonna be your turn. Yeah and i remember that episode on sex and the city and made me think well my life choices could also be a frigging big ass fortieth bring that. I never threw for myself. And i will have a guest list and a registered woodley though we're is just over conditioned to think it has to be the wedding and the baby shower and all that stuff that we have to celebrate. Well there are other reasons to celebrate life too.

00:15:01 - 00:20:05

Yeah i absolutely. I think i read a study that like people that had children the happiness level of people that had children russa's ones that didn't and it actually was that people at didn't have children were more consistently happy but then people that had children had higher highs and lows. You know like they could have intense joy but they also could. Have you know intense stress and not a happiness you know so i think it's just a different lifestyle and i don't think one is right or wrong. It's just different life choices. And i think we need to celebrate that more like celebrate. Even i i think the sex of the city where carried her own registry for herself with his show bad ass. But that's it's true it's like why should you know. Why should people only celebrate these societal expectations. It should just be celebrating. Whatever decision you make fuck yes. I'm celebrating a next year. I won't be my fortieth. ob my forty. I but a better reason to celebrate his my forty. I fucking birthday. Okay go to vegas right. Or i don't know i it's your birthday. We'll do whatever you want. But i really want to go to vegas. Is that what you're saying like let's you know i think it's gonna be good. We are going to celebrate this week. You and i will be reunited phenomenal. We said we'd been busting are asked to this program and we're excited. Just go to jitter and celebrate tomorrow night and then our partners to me. Yeah later we should be. We'll let know how it goes. Maybe we'll post them photos. We'll see how we're doing out by saying we'll put like say we can put emojis overhead. It's fine like celebrities. Severe unco exactly with emojis. But it'll be good. I've had so many great life conversations. This week i caught up with girlfriends recently. Had babies and they've said the same thing as you juliet's highs are really high and the lows are really fucking low and the lows. Get to a point where they didn't even realize they go that low so i get it. This is everything in life. And this is something i heard recently was Live in live state of impermanent. Just know that everything is sorta changeable and everything is changing and evolving. So whatever situation. You're in right now. it's going to change is never going to be like this forever. So when you're in your eyes no that it doesn't stay there when you're in your lowe's it no. It doesn't stay there know that when you're anxious about someone not texting you back no that it passes and if you're going through a heartbreak it's also impermanent it's your it's all going to pass and we're in a constant state of change and i think that is just so liberating to acknowledge that and i think with this episode to what i love about this is you know i think i think sometimes we say we say things are shades of gray and they shouldn't be this black and white but i do think if someone's not showing up for you it almost is now walking white like there's other parts of relationships that are shades of great but i think the basic you know the basic showing up especially in the early stages. That shouldn't be. That's that is very and white. Someone is into it or they're not in if they're not for whatever reason like feel like we are people's pr agents. We always talk about that. Oh they're too busy or they just got out of a relationship then let them be busy. Let them deal with their heartbreak. In if they're ready then they'll come back around when they're ready to give it their all. I think that's better than you know taking crumbs like the bread crumbs that someone's giving you when they're just not fully in yet and know that it's not personal. It may have nothing to do with. You may just be whatever they're going through right now and it just does not involve you in the picture and that is okay and it's freeing to know that you can move on. I talked about this with our finding your person program. But when i was back in boston cove it in the wintertime. I imagine someone virtually and we talked on the phone. We talked on video chat. We touch on tax all the time. I like thought. I found my person. I think lighten it. Sounds so dumb. In retrospect. But i think a lot of people when it's not a lotta people went through this with virtual. I think all virtual can really fuck with you. That's my opinion. But i think i really thought that there was something. We're counting down the days till i got home. That's ever he's. I'll meet you at the airport with balloons like this whole thing and then he just fell off. The face of the universe ages became too busy. Work was too busy. There were family issues. Like everything in its. It's like if someone can't find an hour to meet up with you. When they claim they want to so badly they they just don't want it that bad and maybe there was something going on in his life.

00:20:05 - 00:25:14

I don't know obviously. But i think we're like on a netted out with it was like okay if things change for you like let me know. But i'm moving forward. And i guess spoiler alert. I'd never he never let me know so. I guess that was kinda. Well you never met up. Never met up to sa- crazy. Is that up now. You you're already developing feelings for this person and it was difficult to seem very reciprocal through there. You know it was crazy. Fight where i'm going with. This is with by car partner from day one. It was just easy like am was none of this. You know and i think until you see that it puts everything else that perspective that if someone really wants one. They're ready for a relationship in into like you. They're gonna make it happen because they want to make it happen. There's no excuse yup and it shows when you're ready to find your person. I know i've been through phases where i thought of the seems easy and i feel like this should be more cheese. I i feel like i should be guessing more then. I knew that i was not ready to be in a relationship so a lot of this is not just you learning about the other person. You're also learning about yourself. So be curious and observe how you're dealing with the situation yeah question. Let's is another situation situations ships. That were we've been talking about this. One's related to this episode like they. All of these questions are but this is another one of those popular questions which is how do you know when the person you're dating is not in to you or is playing hard to get Situation shops that is the word up. Urban david i think yes. I love that. That's even question that is this person really not into me or they're just so into me that they're making an effort to show that they're not into like how the these situations be on the same plane. I don't even know so this question in a self bothers me. It's no extent. Because i've been here a million times. I've asked exact same thing. But ultimately i think the answer is how does this person make you feel if you feel like you're not desired or wanted or this person is even making time to be with you. It doesn't matter. They're playing hard to get or they're not into you because they're not meeting your needs and so this question is a moot point. Yes i was gonna say. It almost doesn't matter and i think too. It's do you want someone that you can't text. I've always thought about that when you know. Women aren't supposed to text back or initiate tax or wait three days all the stupid be asked. Do you want someone that you are thinking about when you should plan your text message. I don't yeah. Is that the type of person you want in a relationship. Because i think early dating yes. You don't know the person well. Everyone's kind of on their best behavior. Little that i think the more real you can be early. Stage dating the less surprises. There are once things actually developed. And i think it doesn't almost matter if it's coming from a place of them being playing hard to get or just be in a bad time. I think people play up timing so much that it's busy either. Something going on in their life. It almost doesn't matter the the reality is they're not giving you the time you need right this minute. That's the reality whether they like you or not. So i personally think if you aren't getting what you need from someone it's sharing that in if they just don't like you then it will be like okay. We'll they either ghost you or they say that it wasn't a fit or whatever if they did like you then on the pro side it could snap them into better behavior at the minimum. They could at least reach out later or you know. Maybe it's just not a fit because you're not compatible of how you view relationships time think about it. Your early dating stages are to observe if that person would make a good partner for when you're in a relationship so why would it make sense to not tax someone or have someone not tax you. 'cause they're playing hard to get be a good indicator of them being a good partner later in life. Because do you really wanna be with someone who takes three days. Texts you back because they're trying to win you over no. It doesn't relationships some work like that. And if you have to play games to be with someone your entire relationship will be a fucking game and no one wins in that. I remember in new york when i was obsessed with that guy that broke my heart. We we had a revisit a year later or something. And i remember i just poured my heart out to him and he couldn't reciprocate. He can say any of the worst back and that night. When i went back to my place and he went back to his as soon as he left and went back into my apartment. Someone tried to break into my arment. Someone was trying to open the door. And i heard them like trying to ki ki my door and i couldn't i couldn't tax or call that guy 'cause i thought oh my gosh i'm gonna come on too strong like i really need him in this moment and then i thought this is a moment when you do need someone really fucking scary so i ended up calling nine one one.

00:25:14 - 00:30:01

Which is you know you should do that anyway. But it would have been nice to have someone that i could rely on and it was so telling that that was not the person. Yeah i think though it's good that you poured your heart out. I think a lot of people questioned. Should i do it or should i just kind of wait and also play hard to gatt and see what happens but i think we're saying if wouldn't you rather just no i think if you know okay if let's say they really are playing hard together. They're not sure how you feel. That gives them permission to be like. I feel the same way if yes. They don't feel that way. It's going to suck in the moment. But you're not gonna spend another three months or six months or however long wondering and i think it's really hard to date other people when that person's in your mind still so as martin as it will staying knowing and using that knowledge in making that mental like cut off to move forward is so important hate that i hate being stuck in this stage. Rather just no definitely even like when are go. Like one or two dates. Only got rather. I'd rather be the one that reaches out to learn that it's not a fit into week by my phone and play the game. Who has time for that. Is that just allows you to move on and meet someone. That's not doing any of that. Shit ya better use of your time and don't forget if you find that someone's playing hard to get with. You is not necessarily a good thing it means they're trying to win you over. It doesn't mean that they like you. It just means they're trying to win this pageant. So fuck them. They can go win another pageant if they want to. You're not part of your not a contestant here it means that they're not ready for a relationship is what it beats. So you're gonna find that out in three months once they finally you then it will be over. So it's like you might as well move onto someone who we're giving black and white advice just like our guest day. He's rubbed off before we get into the episode with rag quick announcements love in the time of corona. That is our facebook group. That's the public group. We have at dateable. Podcast is our instagram handle. And then we have the sounding board which is our premium community. Where we have our weekly sound offs. Now that are guided discussions with our hosts team. We're talking about overcoming fota. We have another one about communication especially in times of conflict traveling with dating. There's a lot of good ones on the roster. The next three months in a team that weeds. These are freaking amazing. We also have office our chats with un is. He could drop in ask us. You're burning dating questions. Get that feedback. So it's great. I mean everyone that's in. The community are just incredible people. They're the ones did the meet up in san francisco a couple of weeks ago. Definitely get in on the fun. So dateable podcast dot com slash sounding board. Also let's get into a few quick vestiges from our sponsors. Do you wanna get six bottles of wine for twenty nine ninety five. Oh yeah listen until the end of this message anyone who drinks wine knows. The options are endless. Which is why finding a wine. I like can be hit or miss but now that i'm a i leave wine club member. I don't have to worry about that. If you're not familiar with i leave. Let me tell you all about it. It is a wine club that curates ships wines that are perfect for you and since they work with renowned winemakers from all over the world. There's virtually no limit to the variety of wines. You get to try and when you read the wine you receive a learn more about your palate. And i'm having so much fun discovering wines that i would have never known about in the first place like my current bottle of grenache by la delay. Excuse i know. I sound so fancy. I leave is so confident. You'll love the wine. They have a one hundred percent satisfaction. If you receive a bottle that isn't exactly where you were hoping for. They will credit your account. Join today and you'll get six bottles of wine for twenty nine ninety five and free shipping. Just go to try. I leaf dot com slash dateable six bottles of wine for twenty nine ninety five and free shipping at try i leaf com slash dat abby l. e. Okay let's hear it from greg in two thousand and nine a movie came out. Can you guess what that movie was called. Because everybody watches movie it was called. He's just not that into you and this concept was so groundbreaking. That women everywhere declared if he doesn't do this. He's just not that into you if he doesn't do that he's just not that into you. But i just looked back at the cast list. Because i forgot who was in it jennifer goodwin. Does she always play this character. Do you this. This is just her role for life. This is all she does. Oh my god totally right. So jennifer goodwin.

00:30:01 - 00:35:06

Jennifer aniston was in this movie. Jennifer connelly all the jennifer's were in this movie but the person who created who was the mastermind behind. This movie is our guest. Today has named greg behrendt. He is the author of the new york times bestselling book. He's just not that into your car. Fine co author. He's just just not that into you And it's called a break-up because his broken as well as it's just a fucking date and how to keep your marriage from sucking all these titles are friggin amazing. He's fifty eight years old. He lives in. La he's been in la for sixteen years originally from san francisco. I didn't know that and he is married. Hi greg hardy k. Greg were so excited to have you in. Also greg is the host of dough. Take bullshit from fuckers which you and i were both guests on and we had his co host. Kate holloway on the podcast as well. I feel like don't take bullshit for fuckers is so your brand greg. I feel like that fits one hundred percent with all your idols brand. I like i like it if the answer is in the title. Yeah you know. I don't really don't have to explain a lot. Don't take bullshit from fuckers. I was on a plane ride recently. In what of the movie options was. He's just opted here. So i watched the movie very recently ohio and i actually like that that i didn't realize that you are a consultant for sex in the city. Because that's where the term originally originated from. Can you tell us a little bit about the story of how the term came to be. Because i read it but i would love to hear it from your words because i think it's a good one. It's a good. It's a good story. I mean you know. It's just one of those things that happened. I was. I worked as a consultant on the show for season two and it was the last season and we were writing and we were lunch. Break in one of the girls asked me about a guy she was seeing and she said she been seeing this guy for a while and david gone on. I don't know ten days or so while gene bite him up to have saxon said now do something and so she said. Do you think that's bad. And then i just stared at her and then And then eventually. I said yes not good not good ninety s and i don't remember saying it but there was there was a there's another person present for the conversation list. J.lo's co authored. The book and she started grabbed onto the phrases. Said that's genius. Now's like what are you talking about. This is just not that into you so then we went in. We went back into the writer's room. We all started talking about it and everybody started asking these questions. So for guy is in call you. That means he doesn't like you and i was like. Yeah yeah yes that is correct. It just seems so common sense to you at the time. Were you single. Were were you dating. I was i think i was engaged. If not fear like it doesn't have to be complicated. You all are just doesn't have to be that hard enough that are and everyone's making so complicated and they would always find excuses for the guy why he wasn't getting your maybe shy. Maybe he's intimidated. I mean even in twenty twenty one like one of the things that we wanna do out. This episode is take a look back in time because it was originally published in two thousand four. It see like what's relevant current day in. What's not. But i feel like you. And i come across us all the time of people being being each other's like pr agents like making the story on judas to five bad behavior. This is still going on current day if not worse because you know there's so many more people that are in the mix and less accountability because of dating apps or no ties to social circles excetera Yeah we're living in a different a different structured world but the rules are always the same book on based on a basic foundation. And it still applies. If you're not getting any attention from somebody you're not interested unless they have diarrhea. Which is what happened to barack on sex. I holy forgot about that but okay. So let's back up for a sec. Whoa how did you even become a male consults for sex in the city to begin with what gave you that credibility. That's really good story. The executive producer and i used to do standup together And and so he was just an old buddy. I was doing a lot of stuff that gender politics and that kind of stuff. When i started out he really just love me and then he aimed means exactly how he asks me smoke dirty but like e said you wanna come over to section the city until the women what pussy tastes life.

00:35:06 - 00:40:01

Nobody here seems to now valid point. Some girls were met. Some girls remember vaguely college but nobody has an answer at the time that was know seven women to gay men on the staff. God that's so funday legit. That he was he was for real. Say your qualification. Was that you well. I like This episode. I do remember this episode so vividly. We can't special the podcast to where huge sexless city fads. But i remember verandah feeling so liberated and like wanting to pass the gospel along other women. Why do you think our first inclination is to make so many excuses for these people. That were daguin. It's clear if you break it out too simplistic terms like you. I think it's rare to connect when you do connect you want something to be there when also the disappears. You want the for an excuse for why wasn't there. Could it have changed. I think women tend to be a little bit more optimistic and hopeful. You know and also more nurturing so the nurturing side of that conversation is yeah you know. He's probably just busy trying to go them up. But as opposed to just tearing the banded often god you mean to tell me that men don't sit around and ask why a girl hasn't text back or hasn't shown interest ono. I think they absolutely do the time when we wanted. When we wrote the book originally we wanted to do it for both sexes and the publishers. No men don't care. They're not gonna read a book making for women. That's probably what's changed one of the most of this time right. If we were to rewrite this in twenty twenty 'cause dateable listeners we have about sixty percent women forty percent men which greatly surprised you at. I will start in his similar to your publishers. Were like no matter. Gonna listen to this and i think a lot of men have very similar challenges with dating you know and different sexualities have different challenges but they. I think maybe like if we were to do this twenty twenty. It'd be like they're just not that a little more gender fluid there had to come out in the timeframe that it came out when it came out because it came out that leads to other things it becomes something else at this point. You wouldn't you could write a book who they're not that into you know you. Would you could write easily. But it's sort of was a fella was part of a whole women's mountain moment being clear clarity for women you know. i just happened to ride on that crest. You know with a female author whose idea was to write the book in the first place so you have to understand that. This is a book. I was going to be a book. This is obvious stuff. But liz cooper and my wife really pushed for encouragement to follow through if into the buffer. Yeah that is that is so typical of the conversations. I had in the early twenty. Tens right i just feel like those are the conversations i have sitting around with girlfriends being like. Oh you know. He's busy at work and he's his mother's town just making up all kinds of shit to make me feel better like he's still interested but then on the flip side is all my guy. Friends was sit around and be like. Oh yeah now. Seventy nine interest like much quicker to go the opposite and say oh yes. She's just not turned move. Move on and so those conversations were happening but they were just very different conversations. And i do think those conversations are very different today. Yeah i think it's fascinating. I think that totally makes sense. This was like at the shift of you know the women's movement with that and so much of our making these excuses. I feel like stem from cosmo in like dating advice in why men love bitches like all those books that came out for so long. It's interesting paradigm shift now. Because i think men and women may be like closer in the way they think about things more than ever now because women essentially became more empowered because books like yours for instance in then men i think have also like drops of their guard a bit show the emotional side a bit more now than ever before too so. It's kind of interesting like how those lovers played out. Yeah totally and i also think no dating isn't as cut and dry as it used to be hanging out. I feel like women do a lot more the asking than they used to. Yep for sure. Society set up just a little bit. You know to the men women as raise all. That's all i understood was guys in asking you out. That's what we're supposed. Yeah i was just gonna say on that note because julie loves timelines and i love that. She outlined this for us for all your listeners. If you wanna just think back on when this book was written it was written in two thousand and four.

00:40:01 - 00:45:09

The movie came out in two thousand nine. And now we're in twenty twenty one so in the book you have a list. He's just not that into you if xyz so let's go through the list and maybe let's talk about. Are there any on this list that you would update for twenty twenty one. I don't think so. I think it's all the same. No okay no. I don't think so. I mean you could add boy. That wasn't a part of our dialogue back then. It wasn't a thing you know. Writing the book and feel like players were the old. Football is like clear it was like she bought. I'm dudes that were players. Every like what have i francis like. What's a boy. It's players of origin on your term but also accepts the fact that this guy fawkes around like a player. A player sounds like a disingenuous. Human being fought boy is what he is. Yeah that's true right. That's that's that's what he is. There's there's no policies players sort of an apology in a way. But by fuck ways really like nine That's a good point a player. Yeah a player incognito waving that flag totally owning it love it so okay so our first one on the list. He's just not that into you if he's not asking you out. We kinda talked about this that it is more socially acceptable for women to ask men this day in age. I do think there is something to this though like. I think i'm all for women making the first move in asking out. I think if you're the only person doing it over and over again like he's just out that a too. I think that is a clear. Ensure statement in. i don't know. I feel like sometimes we make so many excuses but if someone wants to hang out we're going to make the plan one hang out and they'll figure it out and the rest on this list chew we can go through just a few of them quickly. He's just not that into you if he's not calling you in today's day and age probably. He's not texting you or communicating with you or facetime ing you whatever that may be sliding into your. Dm's is making any sort of connection with you right and he's just not that into you not dating you. What does that mean. he's not making it. He's not dating if he's not actually calling them dates if he's not making it sort of official is not seeing also not seeing you. There are women than make whole cloth relationships out of people that they know from work. I feel like this one's gotten worse in twenty people aren't there's a lotta hanging out hanging out in big unity on both sides and people are afraid to ask for clarity. What we were always telling women who is okay for you to ask for clarity. Yup one hundred percent. Yeah why do you think that people like you know. Stay with people. That aren't making that official. Because i think it is such common sense like if he's not calling you his girlfriend or she's not calling you her boyfriend. That means something yet. We hear all. I think some of the biggest questions you and i get our from people that are trying to make something work isn't why do you think we're even doing that. I think people are so grateful in in love that somebody Showing attention to them very afraid. There's nothing else out there for. Yes don't mean they don't. We don't use the same parameters as we would use everywhere else in life and so we have this like fuck but nobody does come over and he does you know he did spend the night two weeks ago. So yeah. it's so interesting. We always hear that you know Paradox of choices a problem with dating apps because there's so many people out there yet we have the scarcity mindset so much like why don't all the time. Why do we think that. I don't because we don't believe all of us don't believe that we're worthy of love. Serve lover can have love. You know or know what it looks like. We haven't seen it yet so we think this is what love is because we haven't seen in had a really good now when you finally have that really good example love generally and what's the general consensus of the statement because i can see some verve listeners reading deep into the statement saying oh he's just not that into you but he's still some way into you with that's what we put the. That's why we put that you just not that india which means he's showing you some writing getting little bits and pieces in crumbs. But you're not getting the whole you're not getting the whole slice. It should that lesson to be learned. Is you want someone who is that into you right like we want the whole pie. You don't want just crumbs so let's just stop this thinking of a the statements. He's not that into you. Will you do my who is back into you. That should be the goal. It almost doesn't matter. Why either i think so. So many times we get hung up on like other just busy at work. Or they're getting over something you're they're going through something in their life and i know i've been there here before also that i did have an axe that i do believe like did truly care about me.

00:45:09 - 00:50:02

But he may be wasn't jew that intervened in the sense that he couldn't make it really work. I definitely was in that period. That would justify a lot of things for that reason but at the same time. Like if that's not what you want either like. What's the point of even making those justifications the even if it's legit like who cares no total so somebody other statements on your list. They're pretty. I feel like they're pretty common sense. He's just not that into you've not having sex with you doesn't want to have sex with you having sex with someone else He's breaking up with you. He's married or in other relationships or he's a selfish jerk or bully or really big freak but there's also some statements that i think are not as obvious for example. He's just not that into you if he's disappeared on you in today's terms he's ghost at you or that he is not what's the other one he wants a. He only sees you when he's drunk. That's another one that i think when we look at these patterns. Maybe it's not so obvious but if you look at it over the course of time yes. That's pretty obvious So what do we. What do we do in these situations when it appears what do we do. Do we just get rid of the person or do we confront them. What is the next course of action. Well i think once you've noticed a pattern then then you over to the person to bring it up at least say look. This is something noticing not really crazy about it. Makes me think that you really are into me can meet you either. Defend themselves or get hell the variety of things onto and then if it comes back up again then it's time to pack it up. I think the only thing here. I totally agree on most hetero normative relationships. I totally think all of these hold true even twenty twenty one. I think the one thing. Maybe around like the sex piece is just that into if he's having sex with someone else like there are people that have opened arrangements or poly-amorous arrangements. So i think there's some of that has probably adapted bit in current times. Yeah i would. I would imagine that. Say unless the comfort of your relationship is rights. Right if you had that relationship than you had that understanding so that's not even that's not when you would consider you know and some of these you know. Remember we were trying. We're trying we're to tv writers so we were trying to you know. There's a big attempt in this to be almost that rock. Yeah that makes sense but also it became such a popular book and movie that i think it became almost the bible for some people have heard of heard. People say that. I definitely did not know that you were like a comedian. When i read that book. I thought it was rid- well in news funny but i thought it was like a dating expert kind of giving this advice that now we were really clear thinking we say the beginning were both to tv writers and this book is just our opinion just experience and while while green from just our own dating lives what we know from lice so essa mary man working on sex in the city. A writing this book you've been in the writer's room with a bunch of women who've probably told you all of their love life story. What is your take a modern dating. Today it's really hard to have a tape without actually being person dating. Like cain chain was my connection sedating for awhile. Now he's listening. I would incur. I was cost me like. Are you on the apps doing in. What's that like and how interaction goes and not follow up and housing. Do you get on face time with somebody you know. I was really interested in what is experienced. And what the opening lines were. And what the opening gambit. How do you stop when you don't want to be with anybody. Interact with them anymore. I was just really curious about what that was like. Because i have no idea you guys get a ton of people writing in on. Don't take bullshit from fuckers. And i feel like you. Just give them a copy of your book for most of it right. I guess like when people right you this stuff like what goes through your mind. They always think they think they have the story that proves me wrong revise stories different stories always same as every other sure that we get the same in the longer the longer. The email is right. Yes yes it's like three or four paragraphs like this because they think the details make it unique and you get them to ensure yes yeah. We love reading them though. So i definitely agree with like the majority of it. I think i can see this in my current relationship where it's just so easy it makes me like. Why did i stand for things. That weren't easy in when people talk about things.

00:50:02 - 00:55:08

That aren't easy. You're like what are you doing. But at the same time. Humans are involved in. I think like for instance like even you know if someone doesn't call you back right away or there's something there they could be just doing some other facet of life like how do you balance that with this statement. We disagree we used to be really clear. Tregear we're not saying i forget to call you and then you just toss them out. You know what we're like really starts to crop up and you find yourself telling your girlfriends you know he never calls me back. Really texts me in one word answers or when it becomes. You're discussing then. It's time to look at that. Is that right. Is that red slack. You know otherwise. We're not we're not saying being. We're not saying you didn't call me greg. I told him that. Go fuck himself out encouraging that behavior but when it becomes something comes up more than a few times than it's going to look at it for what it is so that you don't waste right so it's patterns more than one offs average patterns and it's an it's defending you know it's all that kind of stuff if you woke up single tomorrow and you had to date like you someone force you today. How would you do differently than what people are doing today known well i started looking around my a. meetings to see who is eight meetings. Okay that's like people that would lead us aren't now when people with common similar interests in people that are on a similar life or something like that. I wouldn't go to bars. Because i don't drink and i think there's something sad about that bar and i guess i would maybe get on abso. They seem depress barron. I wouldn't want day right now. I think that was an interesting one on the list that we didn't hit is that if they're not wanting to marry you they're just not that it to you like as someone married. Do you still feel that like holds true. Because i feel like a lot of people have different views on marriage. So what do you think today day. That's a personal preference if marriage is something that's important to you and they don't wanna marry you import and you may not ask me not be right for but his marriage important thing. I know that it is another relationship would be different with my wife. If we weren't married. Maybe maybe we wouldn't be but as far as it being a thing that people have to spider two. I don't believe that as far as match people so it's more about being on the same page. I mean some people really want to be married institution galaxy. They want they want that extra step. They want the soundly. You know thing people. Let's hold that thought and take a quick break for a couple of messages. This episode is fueled by drizzly. How many of you have a full blown bar in your house. I mean i wish but with drizzly app you basically have that of the palm of your hands. Drizzly is number one app for alcohol delivery because sometimes you need a now like right now some cool features of the drizzly app include getting drinks delivered to your door in under sixty minutes. I found this super helpful in this virtual world that we live in where it's harder to meet up with friends or coworkers for drink so now just send them drinks. Their selection is also huge. I'm always happy when i can find some. Brunello wine or that. George clooney tequila. You know what. I'm talking about and finally drizzly connects you to local liquor stores where you can compare prices across all of them so go check out drizzly now by downloading the drizzly app or going to drizzly dot com. That's d r is e. l. y. dot com and use the promo code spice. Five for five dollars off your first order. That's drizzly dot com and use code spice five for five dollars off. Have you ever thought about how much better dating would be if you had a whole army of people supporting you. Along the way we know that dating can be frustrating and lowly but it can also feel fulfilling and fun. Have you recently decided you wanna make some changes to your love life. Maybe you've recently re enter the dating scene. Maybe you've gone on want many dates. That went nowhere. Or maybe you're just ready to take your current relationship to the next level. That is exactly why we created the sounding board a true extension of our podcast that delivers a personalized experience which includes monthly office hours. Where you can drop in and chat with us about anything weekly sound offs with guided discussions and regular virtual. Happy hours allow. Julian i to become your dating sherpas to provide real time guidance and wisdom in a more intimate way so we can all navigate dating and relationships together.

00:55:08 - 01:00:02

Join the sounding board today by going to dateable. Podcast dot com slash sounding board again. That's dateable podcast com slash sounding board. Greg i want to kind of go into hollywood right now because i feel like you're our resident. Hollywood experts that we see all of our love lives are so heavily affected by the media and the movies we watch and the shows that we watch but when we when we are you know peeling back the layers especially when you said with the publishers. Wanted what the network wanted. What sells and what doesn't sell in hollywood when it comes to dating and love. What are the story line set networks. Love they still seem to go for the same kind of classic hetero normative stories that we hear over and over again like nail age marriage south. I mean look at the success of the bachelor. She's been on forever. It's hetero normative beautiful people hanging out to get most of the world has nothing in common with the bachelor or the bachelorette and we're fascinated with. I find it so boring. But unlike louis no i like fuck boy island. Ireland is pretty darn good. Why why do you like it. I think it's backed by love nikki. Glaser let's start there. I'm fascinated with the idea that you can tell whether somebody is in like they're doing all the same kind of just that you work on the show trying to figure out whether somebody's you yep you're not trying to figure out when they add real dealer whether they're run they're running a story on and the fact that they have self identified Boys in with self identified nice guys is sort of an interesting interesting thing so while we're talking about hollywood. I'd love your take on the movie. If you're going to share it. But i feel like all of the people you know. Kinda stood their ground like there was the plot about the marriage. Peace in that eventually came around for jennifer aniston's character there. Was you know the plot around the cheater ever leaves his wife. That clot actually came to be too within the main character kind of ended up with someone that wasn't super. She kinda seemed like she was getting the exception to the rule completely. They brought the whole rule the book yet. So why did that happen. I didn't listen. I didn't have a say really. Okay yeah and we were clear with them about it. We said it kinda like if he'd come back at the end when he came back she said. Okay that's fine. That's a great speech not come back and do it every day for the next two or three months and see if i feel different you know. She owned the power in the relationship if she'd taken her own in seattle. Yeah no people were mad about that. I gotta ship. Thank you feel like. That's why we all justify shit because like movies. They need like the drama right like they just be like this guy that just did everything right and gave her though signs of question and then they ended up. There would be no plot. And i think people are looking for the plot in their own lives. Yeah yeah totally totally yeah. They're waiting in the waiting for that turnaround. That doesn't really happen. Mean people shouldn't be together. Yes unless dozen app exactly because people want control so they feel like they they have you ability to change somebody in. That will be able to do something that makes you feel different comeback around. I think people want the story a lot of times like kata. We get people. Start seeing that the you know the someone that calls you consistently and does all the right. Actions is interesting and sexy. Also just this person. That's unattainable i don't know mean. We are obsessed with rich or obsessed with her being sexy or obsessed all these things that may or may not be attainable us number. We love the idea that we're gonna someday be really sexy really rich in really attain. Some of those people. Just fox. That i mean i it is also one your self worth is. It's what you deserve. And some people think they deserve somebody who's not we just have to separate of hollywood from reality. I think that the problem because people complain about the apps because it's not a good story meeting someone on bumble is not something that you want to brag about because it's not interesting but meeting someone at the grocery store. Yeah that's an interesting story because you've seen it in movies but we can separate the two somehow in our minds and say that's not reality is just entertainment. I think it would make our love lives better while in the thing too is the the reason people don't like there's nothing cinematic about meeting on. Nobody's running par to get your attention.

01:00:03 - 01:05:08

Nobody's standing up at a club in making a big deal. Like it's just somebody responded to your hello whether our works and you know but that doesn't make it any less bala brian. Yeah exactly well. That's a good idea for an app is what if you just like. Fuck fuck boy island. While that's so hard to say people are self proclaimed fuck boys. What if we had everybody rate themselves on a series of qualities your kindness quality your fuck boy meter and just you know they can set of. Listen your height and your eye color. How about that. How you describe your own qualities that idea but would people would be honest. I think the most narcissistic people it'd be like i'm the best every no i can't imagine somebody saying no kindness. Yeah i'm a deck dick. Hey some some self-proclaimed yeah the boys will or they know they know to mess with people that are insecure that earn hanging thing. That's what makes that's what makes them so deceptive this. They're so good at the game. Okay so how do we get people. I feel like this is still the part. I'm struggling with like. How do we get people to reframe that. He's just not that into empower like the revelation that miranda had versus baking the justification to say anything. But there's a real relief in when you say he's just not that into you by whoever you're releasing them back into the world suddenly problem anymore problem this great power. Eat this great power in like we've been something bad for you. Finally decide to get out of. It is painful this a little bit. The feels like good for me for me. I made that choice. I made the right choice. I'm letting go this person. They're not concerned anymore. I'm not in charge of them. They can do whatever they want. They're all you know. And i feel like that's something people understand you. I talked to all the time coach girls. All the time and men mostly girls gone through breakup reason breakup and they just don't want to let go then they always want me to be able to tell how long no contact before they can get back. Yes yup hope as so why people do the know that. Yeah you know contact so that so that i get a result and not the result which is to move on to life. I think it goes back to the scarcity mindset again. Yeah because it is hard by the connection. Org were that you'd think that a connection you've had with someone is so special that you're never gonna find it again so you hold onto it when it's probably to some. You could kinda construed in your mind. I remember in two thousand nine when this movie came out i was going through a really hard time of getting over the sky had dated for three months and i thought he was the one so when the movie came out was like okay. He's just not that into me right now. But i give a one month of no contacts and i just casually do evening jog past his work and just run into him. That is a cutest story. Ever then we reunite oakley and the rain is all gonna work out. That was does narrative. I was telling myself in my head so yes in some ways it helped me yes but then i still was with creating these stories for some reason the stories just really fucked me up. Yeah and it's it's just such a common thing that people do and you're out for three months but you created this whole world around persona. That probably wasn't even true. You know about this guy and your connection you know because connections are really rare. I think there's a few reasons. I can definitely point to Times in my life. That i stood for less than behavior and i think some of it was that i just wasn't really ready for real relationship. I didn't know that at the time. But i think like if you really are ready in want someone that like you said you know values you in. Does all the things in treats you like you should. You wouldn't stand for that behavior in the first place. I think some of it just might be where you are in time and all of us might experience that i think long as you're learning from it and not just repeating it over and over again with a new person then that just might be like some of it might be part of the course. I think another piece for me was like having. There is a lot of echo that was attached to all. My friends had boyfriends. I wanted someone to talk If i knew that person wasn't a good partner. In retrospect i'm like i should just toss that person to the kerr in look for someone that actually was a partner but in the moment you're kinda like grasping to whatever you have to cut a be part of it or whatever it may be.

01:05:08 - 01:10:09

That goes back to not being really ready. I think. I think it does. I think grow and we start to understand what a relationship really is what i truly need and what i what i don't actually i think the movies tell me i need but i don't believe that you know like nightline with all my heart and the reason i probably wouldn't be is. I don't think i'd find another person like her. So me match but i also i don't need all the things i thought i needed when i first met her. I thought i needed to be a lot. I got i needed to be by live nation. I don't i just. I just like it was she shows. He's the love is right. There she shows up for me. You know in variety different ways all day long every day for years and there doesn't have to be lots of big grand gestures stuff. That's another thing that we get the movies that isn't reality. Also well and people put stock in things like birthdays and yet they make it this. Make these hills if you've left the con as opposed to you know like we've gone on anniversary being exchanging a card and then giving her attends i. It depends on the year time to our app. What we're up to or it's going on allies with our kids and all the rest that it probably doesn't mean that there's something better or worse. Got your marriage. Yeah well because in hollywood movies. Everything culminates to something. There's a climax and in real life when we culminate to an event and nothing eventful happens. We are suddenly disappointed by really no reason at all other than these movies telling us that it should have been some sort of grand gesture and you also mentioned something earlier to in these movies. Because they're only an hour and a half two hours. There has to be a transformation of a character. There's an art so that happens very fast in movies but in real life. Don't change that fast. In fact some people don't change at all but for some reason we feel that maybe we have the power to change someone or someone will suddenly change their ways for us. There's something about romantic comedy though. One person's always broken has to get better. Yeah right they have they suffer from deficiency or a lacquers but at the end that has been changed. You know. I mean if you think about it really. They're not making. I mean what was the last big romantic comedy now. They're not sure maybe something on net. Maybe something on netflix ones. That are sort of more airports. My sixteen year olds. Yeah but like. You're right big blockbuster. Ones i i. Guess la la land but they didn't end up together only like one. I mean that wasn't even that long ago but that was a law land law was very it was it was it was that i think that the we think we can fix. People is why people stay in these situations or situation ships. That aren't going anywhere. The are clearly there. Yeah lowland i had one of the best endings. Our your host of just like what what could have been but then realizing that isn't the love between us wasn't necessarily for the long haul and use an insufferable jazz dick. I think that like. I don't know about you both. But maybe you a more than greg. Since you clearly just had this down from day one but i feel like going through these people. That just weren't that into me. I feel like it changed. But i was looking for a partner like i remember like really wanting someone that was funny like that was really important to me and i think i've changed that to be like someone i can laugh with and enjoy each other's company and i've put a big much higher weight on consistency and reliability and those were things that i definitely weren't even thinking about as qualities in my like early twenties and even like early thirties. I mean i had music requirements for your your musician music snob right but then but now i could give my wife and i listen. It doesn't matter matters. Not at all matters. Because in hollywood again going back to hollywood these movies tell you you have to have standards but those standards are often times superficial standards because that's what you can depict movies. That's what's entertaining but when it comes to relationships are standards should be based on feelings. I think since this movie came out. I had to reshift how i feel how someone makes me or what someone does to make me feel like they are that into me and it's always a gut check because we know when someone's just not that into you like we know we just have to check back and say okay this person's not definitely not making you feel like they're that into me right only usually like when we're attached to these people that aren't that into a lot of it is because we're grasping the superficial checkless and i think like you're right that hollywood.

01:10:09 - 01:15:05

That's how it visually depicts dating apps. Have the same problem. We've heard about this before you can't show some kindness level on a day to gap you show that they're six four or you know went to stanford or whatever like thing that's kind of bragging rights that ultimately doesn't mean anything either. I'm so glad that we're able to rehash this book slash movies slash like everything. Because i think at the end of the day even at twenty twenty one the same principles apply to do and i think like my biggest takeaway from this conversation is a lot of times we try to over. Think dating and when we get into the pattern of over thinking it over analyzing that's usually a sign that they're not that into you. I think the t the relationships that flow the most effortlessly or the ones that you know you can be your authentic self in. Say what you need to do and not worry about these things like. That's when they are that into you. And i love this. We keep saying this. It's like the feeling that you get if you break it down logically and try to like step out of i'm in the situation. Would i give my friend this advice. Like why would you wanna be with someone where you're the one. That's making all the plans are you never think they're gonna text you back or whatever that might be like. I think we need to kinda look things in. Its its way easier your said that done but instead of getting defensive like really be like what do i want. I think so. Much of the time we've talked to people need situations is all about the other person but i think it needs to come back to you in usually what we've seen wentz people like. Let that person go. They usually end up finding someone that is that into them. Totally that is what happens. It's a good relationships are also wildly on cinematic. Yes uh-huh yeah. They're they're not interesting to hear about people get along with each other and they do stuff together and when they don't wanna do stuff together they don't do stuff together and you know they seek out at friends and family and all the rest of that stuff and it's just you know and it's an cost negotiation our to and but it's you know it's it's not it's not traumatic so true. I think that's such deported takeaway. That like we need to stop creating this story. Line like. Let the story lied. Play out of just two people doing life together. Does it need to be this roller coaster that were that we feel like we need to go to be on to make this big story exactly and that was to be my biggest takeaway too is i think we can always pause and ask am i looking for a partner to co star in a rom com or my partner to co star in my real life and i think that's always a good way to filter. Someone's actions is this person's actions someone something that's feeding into the movie my head or in real life and when you your answers movie it probably means that have pretty erratic behavior. 'cause in these movies their behaviors all over the place. Because that's what keeps these movies entertaining. Things are constantly happening. And that's they've got to put the gotta put something in the trailer. They got some running. There has to be doors. Have crying that you're like. What do i want that in real life. Now glasses ray. It's such a thing and then you realize that's a movie. Yeah i'm tom. Cruise comes running in at the last minute and then declares the year my other and whatever you know like it. You know dramatic. Yeah it's kind of like how we can. I think a lot of people are able to separate porn from sex as like more entertainment versus reality. But i think we need to do the same for dating with movies the same thing. It's just a different side of the coin. Yeah and we need to understand what that into you means. it doesn't need to be the big gestures but it does mean while baseline is there not an asshole so all the things that you would expect a kind normal human being to do that's just baseline and then anything a little bit above. That means that they probably are that into you for for my partner. Something that he did for me today. That i feel like this. This man truly loves me is that we switched cars and he put the car the dog car seat in my car because he knew that i would have to transport the dogs. He did that in the morning. I know they would never write that into a movie because people would fall asleep and be like this. Is the dumbest movie ever in my real movie. Real life movie. I was like this man fucking loved me. He thought about be today. That's one hundred percent is all that little stuff that when you look at it really adds up to being something so much bigger than whatever the big gestures you look.

01:15:05 - 01:20:01

Yeah i think the whole like the boring movie. Because i like think about that to my current relationship that i feel like is very solid relationship. I'd like i. There's nothing to talk about nothing to bring thing. Besides you know and i think that's important and i think we should have grace though if we're not in that place right now you and i have both been in situations where someone was just opted to us. I think it teaches you what you'll not stand for in the future. If you choose to learn from it it's some of it's inevitable that you're gonna have this happen a lot of growing you know be realizing you're worth essentially but i think where it becomes problematic is if you're in situation after situation as a different face in name but it's the same thing happening just a different variation of the story and then at that point. Maybe it's time to like look into therapy or really analyze like. Why am i doing what. I'm doing if i truly want a committed relationship exactly so greg. What are some things you're working on currently other than your podcast with came. I'm really interested in creating around reality show. And i haven't got exact. Oh watching. i'm watching dating reality shows. Okay so you like all the islands. Fuck boy island love island. Probably temptation island any other. Reality shows other than the bachelor. We've talked about that too. And the other one said have been on your radar while level. Cooking wants to K yeah i love all of them i like. I like a lot of reality television. I feel like there's something with cooking dating. That's that's what i'm thinking. Yes there are three reality dating reality shows in the works. Just because i get all the casting calls for them one is Your mom plays the matchmaker. So your mom goes on the date with your potential date. And then she decides who you actually get to date. So that's one that's coming out and other one isn't they have that do they already maybe different mt. mtv's show from like zillionaires. Go i mean date my mom or something. I would never trust my mom to find my may but hey some people might the second one that's coming out is some sort of dance show where you learn a dance with your blind date and you don't get to see them that i think everyone's masked but then you learn a dance together in the at the end you evaluate each other on their partnership skills. Something like that. So that's the second one and then the third one is something about people love excess. But i think this is like you set up your access. You set up your axe with someone else's ex. Those are the three that i know are coming up. Wow okay if that's any inspiration for you know it's good. I like to know. I wanna know what's going on now. I wanna know what what room temperature is in the meetings i've had lately. Everybody wishes they bought Really everybody is like yeah. Yeah that's that's sort of way because people like it. People love the word. Fuck boy to like how the show bridge convention. I think they just like real. Get good looking in bathing suits. That is the key that is essentially the key to reality success. That's not the key to that is not the key to find a logger partner. Real a reality. You can get anybody into bathing suit shape. There is such a disconnect for reality. Tv it should not even be called reality for details. No kidding yeah. The farthest thing from reality tv opposite of reality so entertaining. Well thank you so much greg. We're so happy to have. You have such a fahd cod vote. Yes then awesome. You guys are great and for anybody who wants to check out. Don't take bullshit from fuckers. Your podcast with kane holloway. Where can they find path on any one of the fines. Spotify itunes stitcher all that kind of stuff and then i'm gregor's instagram and and i coach i coach people. So that's interesting to you. Wanna coaching session. Just em may at its says or go to my website record barron dot com and there's coaching information there. Cu teach people how to not take bullshit from foster. I feel like a lot of people that that's the way that's the way to crack this. He's just thought that it to you. I can just see greg in these sessions. Just being like fuck are you doing. Don't take that bullshit. He's obviously not that into you. That should be your reality show or do you want. Do you want me to say it now. You say now you should stop. Basically they do the session just to get yours. Okay let me say let me do it.

01:20:01 - 01:24:00

That's why you call while you're paying an hourly rate he's just money well-spent that is a good final takeaway that i think if we start to reframe he's just it to you as you know ego crushing too. It's paving the way for someone that is that you i think will really help. Liberate us with that state. Like you said it's patterns. It's not one offs. I think people could maybe misuse that statement. Yeah and throw them back into the ocean where they could potentially find someone better suited for them. Why hang onto those fuckers right. Let them swim to fuck boy. That is the best way to wrap this up. Thank you again greg for being on our show and for all of our listeners we would really love it. If you got on podcast review island with us just going to apple podcasts. Give us five stars if you give five stars than we we can send you. A recording of greg sank. He's just not that into you. That's our gift to you. That's our gift with purchase. Just play that out. Repeat just you should go to bed every night with that you should. That should be your that. You should make like a meditation app. I know i haven't meditation. There's if you sign up to my website. If you if you if you sign up to emails you get a free meditation. That is bullshit from perfect. They already already done. It's a it's a funny truly brilliant. Download that tonight and fall asleep to it or you'll like it scott music thing. Oh it's got mu shaky ask some done yes. So they're the new words of affirmation also listened to jay. You'll dig it. You should totally leave seminar. Yeah it's fine. That's great well on that note. We're going to wrap this up a little dateable. Podcast is part of the frolic podcast network. Find more podcasts. You'll love at frolic dot media slash podcast. Want to continue the conversation. I follow us on instagram facebook and twitter with handle at dateable podcast tag as an any post with a hashtag stay. Dateable entrust us. We look at all those then head over to our website. Dateable podcast dot com there. You'll find all the episodes as well. As articles videos and our coaching service with vetted industry experts you also find our premium y series where we dissect analyze and offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums downloadable for free on. Spotify apple podcast. Google play overcast stitcher radio and other podcasts platforms. Your feedback is valuable to us. So don't forget to leave us a review and most importantly remember to stay dateable worried about mom or dad falling the symphony medical alert system from. Cvs health helps make their home safer. Even if you can't be there symphony works with voice activation or care button. They can opt to wear along with smart sensors for coverage around the home with twenty four seven. Emergency response apt to tight altogether. You can monitor your loved ones wellbeing for enhanced peace of mind terms and conditions apply. Learn more about symphony at cvs dot com slash symphony. Or find it at your nearest. Cvs health hub now streaming on disney plus. Space travel is something few people experience but to get there. It takes a massive effort from teams around the globe. Joint astronaut captain chris cassidy in his team of astronauts as they put their lives on the line in journey to the international space station for christmas. Final mission it's a once in a lifetime. Look into the vast world of nasa and the team behind the mission among the stars or documentary series now streaming only on disney plus.