S13E7: Let's F*cking Date w/ Serena F*cking Kerrigan

00:00:01 - 00:05:02

The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves.  I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world.

Welcome to another episode of dateable. Podcast show all about modern dating a modern romance modern love and how people sometimes can fuck all of it. But we're here to help you navigate through it all that is our mission election. When asked me neither do. What's your mission with dateable. Podcast and i said is to help people fuck up less. Hey you know a lot of things. Come down to that right if you look at. It doesn't have to be as as it is a lot of the times lodge. Has it's our own self getting in our own way. We're always getting on her own way and that is why are finding your person. Progress is there to help you get out of your own way. We created this program because we kept seeing the same patterns of behavior with every person we talked to who was having a martime. They were stuck in their dating life. And we know exactly why they were getting stuck missile. We created this program because the better people can get at dating the metter. Our experience will be absolutely. I think it's interesting because it. It really did. Take us doing this for five years. I think to get absolutely. I definitely bench at this odd and episode. We did with bardy batista back in the day. Think it was leased in nine or ten. I forget exactly where it was but she actually was influential for by data up back in the day. She said a usb scan drive in the mail. That's how i received it. This was so long ago but it was the core. Was you know similar like you know breaking through what are the patterns and then also like how to use the tools at your disposal and honestly so much even changed since then. But i felt like doing something that like forced me to sit down and cut a get out of my comfort zone a little. Can i think having that program at the time was so instrumental. And i'm really excited that we can do something similar. I feel like giving back all these years later. But you know it's a totally different twist. It's completely different. I mean honestly so much has changed even in the short ears so much well first of all. it's not a usb. it's all online right there itself. How delivered but people have asked what is involved if you're on the fence about this program totally understand and we launch this with pre early early bird on saturday and then we released early bird on sunday and sponsor filling up fast so we know that people want this information. If you're on the fence wanna know what's involved here it is. It's delivered in audio format because that's what we do best manteo. It's almost eight hours of material really depending on. How fast you go through the near the sessions. But you do you pace yourself with. Each session comes and accompanying interactive workbook. So you can keep track. It's almost like journaling. All your thoughts out there but also organized and we have a shit of bonus material which includes live sessions with julian. I we also have this secret group that we pull you into. We have all this dating setback. Toolbox basic laid for any you go go. Sit or any of the douchebag behavior. just refer back to that. Dan theirselves chuckling profile. Checklist is our number one seller. When we were doing coaching it is everything you need to go through. If you're trying to figure out how to have the best profile line what should you put in your bio. How your photos should be all of that. How you should be presenting yourself online. It's all there. It's extremely comprehensive. So that's just the gist of what just what a funny word. That's what you're getting with the dirty. I don't know why. I never thought about that until just now lack. The gist. the gist jess use. But with the program. It that is just a part of you'll be getting but there's also so much more julian i have gone through this by ourselves because we wanna tested out. It truly worked for us as worked for some of our other members miss. Well that unknowingly was part of our of touching out. A we call the positive re fact method as mariah carey method that we've developed in the last five years. Yeah and i think that was the big piece is that we knew that people tended to reflect so much that they never did anything it was the state of purgatory was like.

00:05:02 - 00:10:10

Just how do i become the best version b. and all that and that's great but there needs to be a point where some action comes in. Yeah and then. We saw others just repeating the same things over and over again or getting fed up by apps for instance and just repeating installing. Reinstalling uninstalled reinstalling. It's like the definition of insanity. So i think like for us. We really wanted to kind of figure out a way that we blend those two also positively because we know. that's a key factor of just. How do you maintain the positivity throughout this whole thing. Because i mean dating is tough like no one's can deny that and i think like we'd be kind of ignorant to say that it's there's even doing this program there's not going to be like any downs within it but it's like how do you get through it. How do you maintain that positively. So you don't kinda give up hope and you know the next person could be right around the corner. This may sound really morbid but someone told me this recently knows i yes. When you're on your deathbed you're not thinking about your career accomplishment. Now much money eight at the house that you live lived in your last thoughts are always the human connections that you made in your lifetime in the most meaningful connections in. This is why we're putting so much emphasis on this program because finding your person whatever that may mean to you is going to be one of the most important impactful decisions of your life and arguably may be the most impactful so it is so important for us to get this information out there to you all and to have you. Try this out because it worked for us. Yeah i love the sheryl sandberg quote from and that was like the most important indicator of success in your career is to partner ultimately like. There's you know like your day to day happiness. If you're with the right person you can be so happy. And if you're with the wrong person it can be the complete opposite like there's studies that are single. People are actually kind of in the middle like the happiest people are people that are in happy healthy relationships and marriages. You're in a bad relationship or a situation schipperke bad story of dates. Whatever that may be. That's the area. That's the most concerning almost so it is so it's like who you pick is so important and knowing like what matters to you and knowing like went even walk away is important in this process because that always makes room for the right person. So we're going to go into all of that. I think another revelation. I've had over the last year with our facebook. Group is that i i think i've used data gaps completely different than everyone else of that group at a really excited to share some of the secrets and some of the tools that we've done that haven't made it as frigging painful and actually brought real relationships from dating apps so i think like there's so much opportunity there and i'm really excited to share that piece specifically and to make dating fun. Yes yeah just see. You're you're trying to find a partner. That should be a fun thing. It shouldn't feel like doing chores. No it's so funny. How like the words that are used to describe day at get. I liked the reflection to of you meeting your partner ira. Irl in years later. After meeting each other. I think that's so interesting that we bring that perspective with like myself meeting people more primarily on dating apps. Yup yup when you're being pratt to meet someone you're meant to me you're going to meet them some pal and you just gotta use every avenue. Because he's never know win. That person's gonna turn the corner. You're like there you are i've been harping myself for you and you've been doing the same. How nice and we announced this yesterday. We are actually hitting the upper limit of the people that we can have in the program. So we're actually going to be closing registration early. Unfortunately have until friday at midnight. Ps t's so definitely head to finding your person dot com and grab your spot. It is like all wards jittery talking about this though. It's so nice. Yeah 'cause if we can bring that kind of happiness to everyone. That kind of wholeness in a way it would just. I think we can just be so fulfilled in what we do. 'cause with dateable. Yeah it's so interesting like i mean. I shared this of the facebook group like this reflection of. I mean i definitely was happy single. I don't think i wasn't happy single. I don't think. I realized that the level of happiness that i could obtain with the right. Yeah that is also related to this episode because in our program we talk about building confidence and for this episode. We are interviewing the queen. Yes we're talking to serena fucking. Kerrigan has not legally changed her name but she really should but she is all about being unapologetically confident in who you are and kind of that take it or leave it mentality which i love so bad ass absolutely like as we're on the topic of my insight.

00:10:10 - 00:15:02

I feel like she is such a good example of someone that you know. Completely chef sir mindset at. I think it's gonna be really fun to build on this episode two in the program for whoever's with actual exercises and ways to do that because she demonstrates firsthand how important that is She's kinda like the north star of confidence in our program. We show you the steps. Yeah achieve north. Start because there's no way any of us can wake up. Tomorrow and be serena fucking kerrigan but can all aspire to be her in the future us. Yes we love our love this episode. She's just a firecracker she really is. She's in my head every day. I just hear her voice. I know you all might go her. She did it. It's degree of dating show called. Let's fucking day. And i feel like that's got a of people sending us messages being like you need a check this out what this woman is doing because it's it hasn't been done a foreign ivy. I love picky about a two. It's like just picture everyone's other own dating. Show swipe vacant dating show just for you. Where you're the star. it's so empowering. It is absolutely empowering speaking of being on your own dating show. This is kind of related julie. But stay with me. 'cause you know how i get is. I was at a friend's house recently. He's recently single. I'm going to shout him out right now. His name is ben. Very eligible bachelor and i was thinking about. Bring some single girls over just to hang out. You know not like matchmaking. Also justice check up on him as he's he's doing well and he. He's been on this reflection path recently. After break-up rovers on what did i do wrong what could have been better. And he says something so provocative. And i wanted. I said i'm going to share this on dateable. Because he's a runner and he at any given time. When you're running there's other people running on the on the path and you sometimes a lot of us. Get very judgmental you know were like why person running so fast. Or why are they running so slow. Why do they look like. They're running kind of funny and he experiences recently because he's trying to do a long distance run and his friend was making fun of him because he was paced so slow And he said this is how dating is you never know where someone is on their journey. And you can't judge them for the snapshot in time because you don't know if they're on this twenty mile Marathon run or it's a two mile sprint or they're recovering from an injury more than just starting to run. You don't know and you cannot say anything about just a snapshot and that's what online dating. Sometimes we get a snapshot of solemn yet. You never know someone's going through. And what journey with their journey us like so. He was saying how that helped him create more empathy towards getting back out there and dating again absolutely. I think that's such a good way to put it. Because i mean even you know as you're getting to know another human being there's been in some cases like thirty plus years that they've lived life before you've got it to doe them and it's such a fascinating thing to people coming together and i think it's like finding the right person. Is you know first of all finding them but then also navigating through it. When it's actually once you found the person i feel like step one step two is how do you actually get through it with them in like term. Is this the right person and you know sometimes like relationships can abbott flow. Like sometimes i don't know how long they were together. Seven years loud. yeah. I mean those things. Though and it's like har- it's sometimes easy to think that it failed or something happened right and it's like back to the drawing board but some of that is just an evolution in. That's the reality of it. It's always a gamble. Yeah you either evolved together or you evolve apart. That's to serve the truth of relationships. We all have to deal with but at least if you create a strong foundation you can take that with you anywhere. Exactly i think that is the key is that you need the confidence of knowing that even if things don't work out you're gonna be okay and to get back out there like keep on your journey kind of thing. Keep truck and keep trucking along. I and we're going to keep trucking along. We have a question to today's episode. the word narcissism has been thrown around a lot on our shelves. Because people aren't god he's curious. And my dating a narcissist you'll like people always think they're dating narcissist so the question is how can you tell if someone dating is a narcissist or just confident russia.

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I do do you feel like we gag questions about our narcissists all the time all the time we'll get upset to us. There's point at least one a day. The facebook group. It's like the buzzword of twenty twenty because it's it places the blame on the other person. Yeah and if things don't go well you just kinda think. Oh it's because there are narcissists so it wasn't my fault. I think a major difference between someone who's confident some who's a narcissist is how you feel around them a narcissist will make you feel so little and unimportant and irrelevant but someone who's confident wants to bring you up as well confident. People want to influence the people around them. They want to lift as they rise. Narcissistic people tend to step on others to make themselves feel more important and some other definitions of narcissism are people who have an inflated sense of self important Who believe that. There is superior to others who are extremely judgmental and people who are overly critical of others. Because that's exactly the definition of stepping on others to bring themselves up now. I can see how the two can be similar in the fact that both people can be very solid in their presence. They can probably make presence when they come into a room. They have a commanding vibe about them and they seem to know exactly who they are. But i would argue. Narcissistic people are still very lost in their self identity they deflect by commenting and criticizing other people's journeys so that there's no focus on how lost they are confident. People are just. They're more humble. About the fact that i may still be a little lost but i'm confident in knowing that and telling people about it i think another big piece of it too. Is you know. Gas lighting always comes with narcissism. So if someone says something and i think conflicts a good way to be able to spot the difference between someone confident in someone narcissistic or whatever your definition of narcissistic is. I think how they react. You bringing something up tells all if gas light you and say oh. You're being stupid by thinking this or it's no big deal kind of like belittling it versus being like oh. I didn't realize this impacted you this way. That could take the same statement that whatever was mead. One way is more narcissistic one. Way is more confidence. I think the other thing too. It's like confidence saddam's. We're i love this episode. we're going to go into it. But sometimes confidence you loud and boisterous person the command the room and i think there is something called quiet confidence. That makes it clear that you know this is. This is who i am. This is what i need. This is what makes me happy. This is what i can offer. I think all of that is very different than someone. That's bragging or self corden so i think looking at how that confidence shows up in. It may not be what you consider quote unquote confidence. the definition. We've been told all these years but someone that has that silent. Confidence can be just as confidence in confident if not more confident than the loudest person. Yeah you to prove yourself if you have to ask. This question is the person. I'm dating confident narcissists. I would say you're dating the wrong person Yeah making you feel a little in some way. I do think though we talked to doctorate. Dr dianna one of our past episodes love bombing. She said that only one percent of the population was a true narcissus. He has i think yes. It's a red flag if they're not making you feel asserted way. I think before we jump label on our cest baby is having those conversations and seeing what the reaction is and if the reaction isn't what you thought maybe they're just an asshole i think she had a game like are they going out at our assist or just an asshole. They're like your friend was saying with the. You know the running analogy. We don't where any of these people are on their journey. Maybe they're not aware of how they're coming off or maybe they are fully aware of it. I think that's what you need a. That's the discovery that needs to happen as you're going through the stuff. Yeah good point okay. So sh- are we get into some announcements. I mean we had a big one. The card is now open figure. I the dot com. We definitely want you to get in there before the spots are taken cut a time is up. The essence will only be available through the end of the week. And we're already hitting the upper limit of the amount of people we can put in the program so definitely time is of the essence if this has been something that's been floating there is payment plan options to so. There's definitely many ways to go about doing this. If this is something that you feel like would you know help you in life.

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Yes get it on it and we really appreciate all the. Dm's you've been sending with your questions so if you have questions feel free to do that. Finance instagram at dateable podcast. We'd be happy to answer any concerns questions. You have awesome Other kind of announcements is follow us on instagram at date. Lanka's could segue to that and then find us on love the time corona by the dateable podcast on our public facebook group. This will not be the same group that you're put into for finding a person. We did have a question about that. So that is our public group as long as you identify yourself as we think that you're a legit person you will be allowed to that. There is a question. Are you confident or narcissist question to see how self-aware you are yes. We'll add that one. Okay cool let's do a quick message from our sponsors. This episode is field by drizzly. How many of you have a full bar in your house. I mean i wish but with the drizzly app you basically have that of the palm of your hands. Drizzly is a number one app for alcohol delivery because sometimes you need a now like right now some cool features of the drizzly app include getting drank delivered to your door in under sixty minutes. I found the super helpful in this virtual world that we live in where it's harder to meet up with friends or co-workers for drink so now i just send them drinks. Their selection is also huge. I'm always happy when i can find some. Brunello wine or that. George clooney tequila. You know what. I'm talking about and finally drizzly connects you to local liquor stores where you can compare prices across all of them so go check out drizzly now by downloading the drizzly app or going to drizzly dot com. That's d r is e. l. y. dot com and use the promo code spice. Five for five dollars off your first order. That's drizly dot com and use code spice five for five dollars off. This episode is sponsored by better help. We dateable are huge fans of therapy in better to match you with your own licensed therapist and connect you in a safe and private online environment me. For example i was able to start communicating with my therapist in less than forty eight hours so quick. Now better help is committed to facilitating great therapeutic matches and it's more affordable than traditional offline. Counseling they're licensed professionals specialize in everything from dating trauma stress anxiety. Trauma with a big t- Depression grief you name it. They have someone who's an expert in that we dateable wish for all of you to live a happy healthy life and that's why it's a listener. You'll get ten percent off your first month by visiting our sponsor at better help dot com slash dateable join over one million people who have taken charge of their mental health again. That's better help. Spelled h. e. l. p. dot com slash d. a. t. a. b. l. e. Okay let's hear it for serena fucking kerrigan and we are so excited to have you with us serena fucking kerrigan which by the way i thought i had a great middle name and i was like i wonder if you could actually name yourself with swear word and it is completely legal. You can name yourself whatever you want so you could technically have your middle name be fucking. Did you know that serena station. But this isn't your legal right could be. I think should be semi. Because i made that shit up when i got naturalized so i was like change it up. Change it up like it's hair. You know just like every season change up your middle name to a different swearword rc. Like i just really intrigued myself. That with like that with such vigor and that everyone believed me. When i started in eighteen that i just don't even like why through the paperwork like honest people. That is why you're the queen of confidence. 'cause if you own it then people will believe you. And they're like of course. Of course that's her middle name. And who is serena fucking kerrigan. She is twenty seven years old. She lives in new york born and raised her whole life and she's currently hooking up and having fun single actively going on dates she is the host of the viral dating show. Let's fucking date on instagram. Creator of two dating card games. Confidence coach appeared on. mtv's and she's sex positive content creator smartphone. Welcome we're so happy to have you sereda for having me such a ver- and get started. You know you are the queen of confidence and we can feel that from the gecko.

00:25:04 - 00:30:05

Were you always this confident or something that you had to teach yourself. i think. Everyone's born with confidence. Truly think about you know you on the playground in a you get up you kind of forget about it. I think that it's really when we're in our middle school pre-teens means that we start to have this wariness of we are in the world that we live in women especially are no. They don't feel pretty enough in enough smart enough. Not when we start to lose our confidence and so yes like any young female. I was extremely insecure. But it was. When i was eighteen i was at a school in college. Our way from my home. And i really saw an opportunity to reinvent myself. Reclaim who i was. And that was by changing my mailing just fucking which was dialogue pumping myself up hiding myself in nurturing relationship myself which is ultimately what. Yeah i feel like you hear people that say. Just be confident. And it's like one of those easier said than todd like. What is that even be worth literally ever heard somebody you tell people like what are like actionable ways to bring that confidence. All you need is reflective surface mirror. mia A puddle. On the second i walked. It can literally use the anything where you see your image and the way to do it. I really like the whole concept of affirmations just like love yourself just be confidently. Didn't work for me. Like i'm very real and edgy. So i was like no. I'm of the mirror and myself my best stocking. What would it say. my best friend is. She walked into. the room. looks leasing i did. You look so fucking hot. My best friend and she goes by that guy. We only did guys. That are obsessed with us. My friend who she does she job interview. Joe worry there's going to be many more interviews in your life right. One will work out right so that zach hyping up nurturing that we do with every single in our life that we love we literally do not do it yourself and so. My entire brand is about being open on us and literally. Just seen that person as your best friend resisting seeing it as you almost as someone else and that literally mind fucks you into let us. I mean i just grabbed my mirror and i look at myself in mirror because it's very fucking close to me but at the same time when i feel like when i look in the mirror all i see is just criticism of myself and i feel like a lot of people are like this. You're looking at. We're my pores the biggest. Why do i look so tired today. But then i feel like if i look in the mirror damn i look fucking good. I feel vein. So what is that line between loving yourself unapologetically. And just being so into yourself. Yeah okay so so. We never see valid ourselves. Feel something feel load. Editors that led to feel like your skin's lower driving ceilings. Go away when you say aim is like i n. I am not good enough. I'm not i'm you know. Whatever it be that is when you decide literally who you. Are you write the narrative of your life in terms of this whole concept of women being jane or arrogant when these highly about themselves. That is truly misogynistic because confidence is being like on top of the knock and you feel so good on top of that mountain and you want everyone else's not on that magic to come up with you because you know got you're really low and you start saying things like i'm so hot you're not. Why are you doing that because you have right. That is the difference between arrogance often the difference between hopping coffin. That confident people. Wanting to be with that you'll be like wearing an shirts at reservoir so the hottest people in the pot urgency houghton everyone else's discussed right away five cautionary. Why is it that we had to push people down to lift ourselves. And i think that the reason why brand resonates with people and has taken office I'm not afraid. I'm also not afraid of what people think people really don't let me and by the way like change mandolin fucking forget it. You will always have this number when i get all. I thought this about you but now you're so you're so. You're so nice and soft and gentle. I'm a yeah because as as for me but it's not putting anyone else out you know like i don't wanna be around people that are negative. I just wanna lift everyone up. Because i don't think he can. You truly happy until you ever. I loved us like alternative persona that helped to get there in the cottage. You view this. Was this kind of like one day. You suddenly became sf k. Than at the beginning it was like a distant person. Outed you evolve into who you are so it was so funny look really became a character like i literally she was. She's like this larger than life bitch like she literally like per carpet is like the sidewalk in heart.

00:30:05 - 00:35:01

Bent like she's in a ballgown. She's in a pool man but she was just like really discouraged honestly on social media on instagram because i marches taken i loved writing for her Fifteen so news just aren't being. I was her in situations that i wasn't as confident. And so it became kind of a crutch for me like if i was in a new bug. I'm fucking carrigan right. They would meet me. So i think that ultimately over time i was able to actually separate the character from me and i tap into her all the time but like i don't need her so like you speak in front group of people. Anymore i'm just serena and execute kind of amish shoulder right. It's like beyond saying sasha fiercely dot for sony primarily on like it when it doesn't come natural what you were saying like. I feel arrogance say so it's like no it's actually. Fm say. get that eventually get to be like no. I believe a. it's not. we've been taught. Sorry that are untrue. Leisure you sang like. I'm about a bitch. podcast center. We have a really hard time saying that by the way we could. We could really use this or did now. I use them. Sf my life. You're never logic seriously. Because like i everything i wanted is because i'm more i'm willing to this i. I'm going to make this happen. It bothers someone. Why why do people were. so that. Their pays interest for lack of a better term. When i like jeevan fucking people were so some so offended by that. I'm like why isn't empower women changing her mentoring sect you right. Why does it bother you that. That's i'm not doing anything. Offenses sure curse word. But it's not in reclaiming is my own. is one of our agents. Managers brands boyfriends exes. Fockers lovers whatever all told me get rid of that and i said no in knicks newfield gut and it doesn't make any allsteel bad and i think that over time everyone was like damn you're Today let's stay true to yourself and owning it one hundred percent also chances not like you literally decide your reality literally break in narrative. You're the writer director producer. Right the character who you are the pot your podcast. Not so great. Podcasts sucks though. That's that's what's happening in the game. Like no credible women. But that's what everyone's own right. Well i mean everything you're saying clearly impacts all aspects of life dating podcast and we think confidence so directly relates to dating which is why we wanted to do on the show like. Why do you think it's so essential especially in your love life. It really does in tavern thing. That's why like look away from off like the role. And if i you know i like one hundred fifty women during depend on. Somebody came up. It's just weird. It's like uncomfortable Show me things that are so much really deep invited valid comfortable listenable year. And say i got you. I love you on. Yeah pleading really relate sedating because if you don't love yourself you will just ultimately settle for less than a non everything that is the job that is with friendship but that is ultimately out. That is a big thing with dating as well. Why just notice that. If i didn't love myself. I would equate so much my station with someone else if someone wanted to fuck me. All of the negative beautiful self esteem was shot. So i would be accepting advances from guys not worth my time flying at literally like. I can't even remember their name so much of my value and their acceptance of when you search a love yourself feel value through yourself through your work through your finances making your money. You don't guys. Jesse doesn't all of a sudden reconfirm negative ideas. You have about yourself idea like rejection of ceases to exist. Because it's like i only wanna be with someone that wants to be with me that things up the best fucking person out there and start using it out. I don't believe in reduction. I believe it's you lily. It's a true training. You need half a like when someone rejecting or goes neil or breaks up with me. I've really myself to be like very sensitive areas. Cancer cancer like. I'll do j. crying the one day but i told me all this is the universe being like novic wine direction you to something holds five wide socks and literally eventually realized before so. That's why we broke up madonna. She goes nearly every burley's ever met the guy goes housing kids together right.

00:35:02 - 00:40:11

You just have to see rejection okay. There's something better and also not take Dating show during depend on if he over the course of one year credible like experience. And i didn't up with any of them by the. I'm friends with so many that i've kept in touch with them. Nethon real-life after the pandemic Windows permit and show. There's nothing wrong with those map. You just weren't for me when women get rejected or like something's wrong not loveable not good at all visitors but no you just don't want you that much everything to do with them. I do wanna talk about the show. Because his so interesting. But i can already hear some of our listeners saying i am confident i exude confidence but that intimidates people so that i feel like i have less choices out there because people are scared to approach me. They're scared to date me. What would you say to them. I on a date. Someone secure right. In god. The tweets are limited right. I think the one that eating have too many choices and very overwhelming that. There's just a never nestle. Swipe so your niggers pulled smaller than go you and if you're making celebrities you are. You're strong dependent women for example in niks. Someone insecure than. That's just like literally not your problem in austin. Not but i also obviously his issue a lot. And i wouldn't incumbent issue i it comes up a law and i also feel like because my social media is his personal now and this actually been really. Recently i went to guide said like i loved getting to know you for you before Or social because it's different version if you like of course that's my job. I'm not working your fucking computer looking at stocks and bonds while it seemed like zoom unfair like you get to see my job in its prior and if you can't handle that and you can see that it's to a persona versus the you're literally Inc right but i will say that like recently. I've been kind of seeing. It's not gonna go anywhere. I don't think for each year olds. Right so i have seen a twenty seven year old the difference in age was astounding like drew. I don't think each maturity to light experienced sexual intended attention such a difference how he said like i did like you know women that are a little more missive. You know my whole life for like you just like aren't go-getter and out there and like i love that you are you. And and the yes. They exist those guys exists out there. I mean those women existing but it is about dwindling down the dating pool so that you can have someone who can match your confidence energy in your show case. So let's go. Let's go through the show for people who've never seen it tallus. Walk us through how you came up with it. And what is it about well. Let's fucking gate over now. I did it for all tiny tiny. I quit my job in february. Twenty twenty to be a fulltime concrete are not eating at all like at all. I was only one into be in confidence in confidence. coaching bite. The endemic land sitting on my sofa single solace and i had a lot of experience doing contract and i felt like something that you would. Mary actually starting to live and a lot of the conversations. I had have not downing of all of wind disease with my audience was that i'm really fucking single. With how are we gonna datum so confused and feeling lonely. This goes against my brand of being empowered. Not meeting a man writing who really it was just kind of like how fun would it be on a friday. The day the night that everyone's supposed to blow scene but we're stuck inside. I did a show for people. And i had a blind date. And that's really how it falls and we did three seasons. I sold the entire second season. The sponsors for six figures i created two games based off the show the flat sacks or ribs at friends but it really created this brand and i think the mean ethos of the show. Is you have to date yourself afford workable and that you really been cited. This is narrative of like once. You meet your percent you will be complete and the schumer was you are complete unlike once you are complete then you could meet a person or not. Everything's added it. But i think it was a really great show of a really great demonstration of an empowered woman was not going to act out jim eating like true to herself dating in real time. We're an audience was very engaged commenting interactive and it very authentic. Who's live make shit up. How did you find the guys. How did you find him. I hired a producer and is really like fans initials nice. I love this. I mean clearly not all of our listeners to started instagram live. You are obviously you know background. But what i do love about this. I think is very applicable to everyone. Is you took your dating life into your Trou- especially in the pandemic when people were just kind of like being down about not being able to date in meet people and frustrated by dating apps.

00:40:11 - 00:45:00

Were just like fuck it. We're going to do something different. And i think that's like what kind of plays into confidence to these bold moves like. Are there any other bold moves that you've taken the kinda tribute to confidence. mind higher. Everyone with the specifically with Talk a me really last weekend. Leading guys has street thirty in the morning. We're all as when four million views. That's what i would do. Because i think that that's fucking relatable people. They wanna see empowered girl. Leaving is house Pride right shaves the worst album the day before going applaud. He's having your friends needed. They're brought her stock with her to change into its us sex glow and she's like living her life because she needs to look good. Feel good get what. That is my brand. It's just being on holiday. I'm sorry we're gonna gye shed like i don't wanna live either. We are running out of time and when it came to that down. I'm not someone to sit around complaint like you'll like something about your life. You were right. Like i was like. I'm jobless in single. Like how can i neri. This is something you know it was. It was amazing but also wasn't afraid to fail. Didn't believe in jail air all that redirection gonna teach you something so as Try this. Let's see. I did it again. It got getting bigger and bigger and bigger and now the whole company. That is more avid ultimately. Because i always like what's the worst neck like what's gonna happen like either about yourself with wanted to partner free neil featuring free orgasm while sometimes free ready down in your notes section off the buffet like i just don't believe in the to is live live right. Let's take a quick break from this. Combo is serena ought to hear a few quick buses. You may have heard us talk about our finding your person program and the response has been overwhelming and due to the limited number of spots are new. Registration deadline has been moved up. Actually to this friday october first at midnight. Listen we get. A modern. Dating can be incredibly difficult at after one too many bad dates. You may even question if it's all worth it. Sometimes you really sick of swiping and desire of real connection or sometimes you feel like you have every other aspect of your life figure it out except for your love life. We hear you. We see you because we've been there ourselves so by talking to thousands of daters over the last five years through dateable. We've been able to pinpoint exactly what helps people find their person. It's three components positively reflection and action. Together it's will be called the positive fact method in our finding person program. We walk you step by step through the method. Prepping you for your person who is just around the corner. This is our best content yet and we aren't holding back any of our secrets in this program. You'll have access to almost eight hours audio sessions as well as an accompanying workbook and additionally we're giving away free bonuses valued at twenty eight hundred dollars all just for signing up if you're serious about finding your person willing to put in the work and eager to implement every step of this method. The sky's the limit. The car is now open. Only until friday october first at midnight or until whenever we sell out so it could be sooner than that and spots are filling up really fast as we speak so get in on it before we sell out just had to finding your person dot com to learn more again. That's finding your person dot com. I feel like i saw on take talk talking. I might be betraying this. There is a video that you had. Were you just like went apt. Some guy that was sitting near you restaurant. Honor i delineate through that literally like there. A hawkeye at a restaurant. I wrote down asthma. Voeller should i do my number. I guess down gives you. Then i guess like hunted showed him a little bit like in the videos on stories and then some of the new image send moves a classic power the internet. We literally literally bis legibly a ministerial apart cheap. With fifty known him and stopped and everything and he ended up. Texting me ended in absolutely anywhere. But also it's all part museum Out now but i got a great out of viral. You did right and like what. What's the harm. I feel like people are so afraid to approach in real life. Like what advice do you have for those people. That just would never have like the balls to do that.

00:45:02 - 00:50:02

meeting pre the winters to give was even sooner is intimidated. I just think it's like whatever what whatever like if he never calls you. who cares. Approach would a bar approach you out or asking something at the grocery store. Do you never think about that. I'm just not self conscious and was let's do something that is a mistaker is offensive to someone or crosses the line. I apologize ability. And i move on but like leaving here is just like such a waste. Yeah well. I think it's the fear of rejection but again you're saying if you just roger waters it's rejection. Let's just didn't like it that much. Maybe dating someone you're pretty. It doesn't mean that you're offering wires. He also also bring the narrative of who you are. You may opinion of. You doesn't all of a sudden race and that is so he understand you know because there are people that don't like me but that is not likeable. So that's like that's why you have to nurture yourself solely drought and also believe that you will end up in to that's ultimately what you want. He working through relationships to validate something about. It should not be evaluating additive and if people are wondering that's you because that's your personality but that's not me for people who are thinking about that. Do you think that anybody can become that if they just keep trying. I think that you were born with confidence. The problem is it was almost like it. Just thought reviews like it's gotten like cracking every time when meet immune conduct you every time. You saw a spanish supermodel being praised and lauded as prisoner while they have cracking dragging we need to do is repaint and redesign. Unlike i think anyone in the history of the world has the ability to be confident. Just how do we express love to everyone else in our lights. Had we need people feel love it's through dialogue round formations through that real exchange of like you're doing great you're museum did that is that is law right. Animal instincts right. That's how do it so why the With you did it yourself. You were being being so whether someone is introverted or extroverted. Someone was like That's just not my personality. You're saying it's on a personality. Trait die at a brunch in a restaurant totally personality. Honestly like i get it. I haven't done that in soybean that doesn't that doesn't that's not what confidence combines age looking at the girl near saying i love. That's what it is a love you. And whenever she's feeling down a going for the video my song recordings sabic being like irving redirected some so uncertain. It's on personality type. That is just a. it's almost like a positive mindset like i feel like when you hear positive mindset you think like it's like putting things out worried exactly like putting the universe or pushing out of someone's asshole. I like that better. It's kind of like wou- like unrealistic. But what i'm hearing from you is. It's like just having confidence that things are gonna work out for you like. How can you do that. A non cheesy way literally. I mean like. I only on instagram words and then suddenly doesn't feel easy. When i talk to myself i just do it like. It's my best friend and best friend like walks into the room and she's really upset about something. I'm not like or my eyes. Love yourself clean. I don't say that. I'm a big. Bob would seriously like get a brand. You were stunned. That's why i. I never liked the affirmation. That didn't work for me. Started issue that was targeted. Fucking here. gold's at got she'll that test crush that like applies that job. That was what that was just just adopted dialogue. That has been said jazz positive enough. It's five bugging right. And they're so. We talked about confidence. We talked about the difference between confidence and being vain. What about being humble. Where does that play. Because i'm asking this question from a cultural standpoint from chinese culture. You're really taught not to talk about yourself or to boast about yourself. You're to be humble into not. Make a splash to stay quiet. What would you say to the word humble. How do we stay humble. I just it's about talking about before which is like. Why am i not allowed to celebrate homeless in who i am in weight and also helping others behold brand is really helping women so like the why my knowledge you like. I have a successful business. Why i really think it's ingrained in geneva and the patriarchy i really do.

00:50:02 - 00:55:01

I really think it's about. It's really directed at women to really make them small. That's really what i can get it. It's like i don't think that me saying like i'm super successful. Seven is not being humble is just a back. I also like Designates show as wanna learn. I wanna learn from others. Vacs people in the industry. I'm not acting. I know at all like gothic of all. That's not what that eagerness to learn and to better myself. I think that's really what it comes down to like. I think that you can always improve. Like never stop. I'm so like i love astrology. Therapy like i love reading knowledge like talking to other women because i constantly come version of myself but i think when it comes to like talking about your seeding talking by your dreams like i just feel like we've really been conditioned you should just be submissive so being humble mean celebrating your wins and celebrating the things that you don't know right it's all a celebration and also much like harming right. I think that that's beautiful. Beautiful by i mean. I'm just connecting the dots to. Because i definitely can see that with women misogyny but i could see that also with immigrants to you're saying you a it's cultural is that you know this feeling of joy fully belong here where my seen as lesser. They an. but it's like no. I do i show up. You know. That's ne- beware. Some of that comes from. I totally agree my mama's immigrant Now and i think you know we're talking to this gal. My mom has had two full careers and she just barely talks about it. She just got promoted in like. I barely not a new gifts. I read it online No but it's like there's also that feeling of like it's just hard being meridian woman. Like i just think like you're not the what was it designed for us. He designed for whitening soap. Almost like we're so happy to have the table. We don't want to be too obvious. Rock boat yeah right right that that. That's why women are running your own unease. That's why women are like. I think a lot about the advertising industry Influencers now like advertising needs to be not like who was in choosing campaigns etc. now it's like messaging a brand with a love your makeup deliver cereal. Whatever the usually nine times out of ten. It's a woman running that brand of consent. They say too bad marketing or advertising. You should work with this person off now. Women are dictating representation. Who's getting getting these big deals. And i just think that's so important. I think that's where there's a shift with dating to though because if you look at traditional dating it was always the man pick the woman. We kind of just like waited passively. That is happening now. But i think that's why sometimes it's so hard to like psych ourselves up in again. Un are speaking from a woman's perspective. I'm sure men also feel this to in different ways. But i think sometimes like when you get ghosted or you get rejected. It feels so personal because it's like out of characteristic almost in the older days that you wouldn't do that stuff. But i think it actually is a sign like before i met my current partner. I feel like i went through a stage where i was getting like rejected quote unquote left and right. But i'm like this actually means of try again of doing something ultimately like you said it led to the person i'm with now and i'm like fuck all those people so glad they didn't work out you know so i think some of it's just resetting ourselves as women in dating as well that's uncomfortable i think that Out of this. You want to be the one chosen or the one. Jesus right who would you want. I think it's like giving so much power to someone else to just be leading passively and i think that's the shift that's happening for women power like you in. I find something to like pizza. One gonna help updates. Durham using gates. All the sudden. He built them up in our brain. Sling y'all right about really trainers like grape date. But other was the best person themselves on a d. chemistry n. and realizing like if it doesn't work out it just meant that it just wasn't the right. The puzzles weren't fittings. You just not good enough. Just like it wasn't the right set really It's hard to do but it's early doable. It just requires you get yourself in the near hereabouts right. It's rewiring how you view it for sure and also it's like i'm pretty fucking goss like. Why is it putting someone else on pedestals. Like they're missing out by being with like. That's the change of statement that needs to happen. It's well putting the fucking in front of everything just makes us better. I feel like if it's a culture of the fucking popularity contests that really screwed us over because we're trying to win people's votes win ultimately when it comes to our love life who cares.

00:55:01 - 01:00:04

How many people are voting. You're the one voting for that one person that you want to be with so i think it's just making that mind shift is really hard because it's been so ingrained in our culture that we want as many people to like us as possible. Harvard civil again. You have to be so careful about things like you said it's hard to announce heart heart. You can absolutely right yes. It's been super in green enough but we have the ability as very intelligent self aware women to make that switch worse. Now be very very careful about the ways. Got these because they become like reality. Rubber said like six zones may up words like we'll never really bullshit have so much weight and ending really something really when you're talking about this. I think that's such an important point because even if you're the most confident person of the world and you kind of alluded to this you can't control of some ghosts you. You can't control if someone does it like you. It doesn't mean that you're never gonna face like i literally all all the time and it's like you always jack you're always you're always get reject was always not going to like you not give you a job you always. That is a part of life. So it's about you haven't the tools to not get in if you're not. You're probably not doing anything. You're probably just sitting idle to asandra. Nobody has i'm we're gonna so because we're gonna die. Yes i think that's a motto. Look in the mirror would be like your fucking awesome and you're going to die to catch it already. My goodness what for for the men because i think a lot of the men that we've spoken to also experienced confidence issues and there. This is the things that we keep hearing these phrases. I tend to idolize women. So that that when i saw dating someone that i become you know like i feel like i need to please her. And i don't feel like i can live up to her or women are becoming so much more powerful these days and they're making just as much money more money and their status changing. How can i up my confidence to meet them at their level. I think it's really complicated. Yes women making money. Ending positions of power is the biggest change in our society. Ever played was in around like was now. It's it's literally and might be to provide ourselves if it's never been thing like our lives to be getting married so i think that with this dies. There is a bit of a shift happening really right now. Where it's like you know is pain on the first date for women you've sexist or is it expected because you don't make as much money as i thought about that time it went to the guy brunch and give him my number didn't ever seek you out because i think that was that going against like the grain of being a man where it's a day or hunters like may not right then people will Feminist wall. Like it's tricky. Because they were also biologically like you know a certain camp correct. And so it's really tough to navigate but i just think like ultimately everything just stems conversation that is evaluation many relationship. It's like how will your conversely how will your family hadn't brief insuring like. Do you really feel like you can just feed ourselves and i was doing two guys and one of them. Every time i like actually screen shotted it transcended to fifty over the next raising another guy that i literally when i like. I just like didn't even think i like Invite on the road allah. whatever we doing. care who won out. Obviously the guy. I just i did not feel fear because ultimately who you're going to be with you have to just eat like Yourself someone out than it's just not for you. You know a guy knows that. I was like wow. I'm feeling anxious or eggshells about texting. Someone is who wants to that person. You can't why then. I realized that when it was in the riley i wasn't at all and then we talked a little bit about what we like each other and they don't have still filter. They usually put myself through your ultimately scaring similar wet endings as we evolved in the course of you know but i think that ultimately you're gonna end up feels really freeze But you know your brand is all about confidence and you are obviously living and breathing that. But i'm sure there are times you've experienced setback whether they're big or small. Can you walk us through the last time you experience a big setback and you really had to get yourself out of it. It was some recently. I wanna the guy and they were really great dates.

01:00:04 - 01:05:00

And like i've built up in my head so much unmanly were kind of on the way each other in the travel whatever and then it kind of league all in it fell apart and i was so upset like i was like this is never gonna happen. Did the whole narrative that we all do which is thought but i myself one eighty and then legally obligated legal colleague is going to work for me like i'm so positive public persona like is it was at this mea was at like stopping us on our d. Like was it. What was it like. Is it everything was so quote curfew. But then like. I like like i didn't know this person cruel. And then it started to dig around and ultimately lead realize this was not is unlike. I actually spent time with him later as a friend vibe. Whoa unlike remote leak would have ever thought it was kinda crazy heads like you really need. I didn't do it guys ignore underneath. I talked to my like half. Have because you really just starts like had really high expectations when one person known and honestly when that you're gonna be your best version you're gonna you're talking about when you nothing about one another so it was like that was the biggest For now you have to force yourself That that was a tough one for me. Will you really rocks me. With the anxiety the vulnerability not knowing also white. You're not much and you hear so anxious after today's like i don't know if that's your person it should right. They should make you feel that way you couldn't fusing yes and once you find that person that is it puts everything else perspective pirker if you now styled right right but like it's not even like that. He didn't like we leader her that he thought i was really whatever again. Like see like there was that much confusion about. Felton from the gecko Just wasn't it but it was really like a big lesson in not like you really don't know some laughter now really. We always hear people that are like so hurt after you know meeting going on a couple dates and it's like. How many hours did you really spend with this person. None to the future potential. That person the fucking made up in your head that prison. Yeah it's really the weight of really like against that is just getting more people. Because then you'll see like there's a lot involved there just like other energies sense energy out by or at least managing the expectation to yourself that i do not know this person and if it turns into more fantastic if it doesn't i had a great life before and i'll be able to pick myself up in life so okay this is kind of a two parter but we have a subset of different audience here. We have people that are single. That maybe aren't super happy. Being single right now guess. We'll start with those folks like what are some ways that you can thrive feel confident if you're maybe in a place that you don't necessarily want to be like stage wise. I don't know like why. Why does it upset you that you're not what is it because ultimately like i feel like that's when we were truly happy in dating yourself as if you're so unhappy about like not committed to someone can't figure it out That's just like energy putting on Knocking receive yup. You don't chase you attract. I mean the guys that have dated in the past year like love that i'm way to busy. I'm like i'm doing the things i look rewrites friends like i can't see you sorry. They love that and they wanna do need more visit wind date. A woman is empowered independent So he just feel like if you're putting the energy like ignorance duty died is narrative that you're right right like answering unhappily doesn't like is someone is. I need to raise not. I'll be fine writing. That's totally okay. So that's a good lead into the second part. What happens with your down with someone and you don't wanna lose yourself in the process. Like what kind of advice would you have for those folks. I really think it's about maintaining your life the way it's like that storm on the first whatever couple mine's like yeah like it's at home in stages exciting. You're getting to know them. But i really think it's about like you know not altering the course of your schedule for that like i really think it's like you you go to the gym every day at eight thirty lake Once a like a religious added in ads on doesn't very good my best friend. She's in a relationship for a like. I didn't lose. Feel i lost.

01:05:02 - 01:10:01

She got to do on day going out if he chambray Later or not at all days woods each other long begins During the week maintain control over her life. And that's why i think they're really successful I speak not losing. Your life is so important. You need to make room for someone for sure. But i think like for me. I definitely would super conscious of that like making show that like you. Don't lose friendships and stop that. Because i hate situations where it's like. I was living this life until i met someone ling that means you. Didn't you weren't confident in your life before that works with the whole thing about like born on you're going to die alone and we don't really like celebrate friendships way. We do religion now. Saying because i would actually probably rather easy childhood with like half of my own right fifteen years. So he's not like i'm my friends are my everything and not would never stop. You know concern out of this. I sounds like a great takeaway. Should we get into some big ways. Yeah i feel like there's somebody from this conversation. What i'm hearing. Is this idea of being. Bold comes with two questions. Why not me and why not today. So at all of these circumstances is situations we find ourselves in cute guy sitting at the table next to us or On me not liking my food. That's been delivered to me at this restaurant. Why not me to tell that person or to approach prison and why not today. Why don't i start that today. And i think that's what comes with the boldness. You can have the confidence. The boldness is what is the action that comes out of the confidence. So i really appreciate that because i think that gives me a little like light sold fire on her my ass to to do the things that i've been meaning to do and also celebration is so important. There was as great interview with brunei brown and she says one of the levels of vulnerability is celebration enjoy. Because we're so afraid to do it. We feel like if you feel joy and selleck we become happy. That someone's going to take that away from us. Yeah but i think what. I'm hearing you serena is when you celebrate and you feel that joy you bring others with you and you kind of just all bring that energy together setup thinking about being depleted yours can have more abundance of it and the very last takeaway is. I got to think of alter ego. I think of this. Maybe maybe it's yosemite like when. Yeah i like it right. Yosemite is going to be my best friend. My biggest cheerleader on my shoulder at in any given situation. And what would yosemite do in this moment in time. So i'm going to bring yosemite with me thank you for resurrecting miss yosemite for me. I love it. I can't wait to be yosemite party. With yosemite i did. I did it alter ego. also i'll tv. What the day will be. I think this is a cliche line. But it's so true that like you are the main character. I think it's so important because this whole part about like would we treat ourselves this way and like that's the way to positively and to start looking at your life. It's a little morbid to be like. This could be our last day on earth but it is a good way to look at things. Because it's like even the mundane things of your life or if you're not happy with your life that gives you permission to be like. What do i need to change to make things go. My way i think the piece of leading in the passenger seat for things and some of that could be cultural or some of it could be just the way that society is told us like. I think that is time we need to reimagining take things into our own hands. If things aren't the way we want them to be. So it's all action positive action. Which i think is so important. I mean i fully agree regurgitating. One like seeing your metallica's more is just like we're all dying world so instead of paying as a negative when you see it is what somebody to motivate you to your life on as eric. All of i think those with social media comparisons so many times. Where like this person could do this or this is set in. It's like right exactly. And i think it's so important especially dating to re factor that conversation of hey. I'm a fucking catch this. I would be lucky to be with me opposed to putting someone else on a pedestal. All the time. And i think it was helpful to hear that obviously wish you bad luck in day or anything to happen but i think it's helpful for people to hear that even the most confident of people are going to experience a setback. That's just natural. It's for the tel. You handle it right same way.

01:10:01 - 01:14:02

Like i don't like. I love my mom love. She's literally like her great. I don't like does so it's like you. Can huber confident person in. Let yourself and on some days. You don't like this action that you pee. In that moment we don't have would could not stop eating ice cream in junk those remotes that are going to occur. It doesn't all of a sudden unique right right and it's like how do you learn from them and has kind yourself. That's the ultimate serena if people want to stalk you get to know you better is social media the best way to do it in harbor. Do not take john winners. Kerrigan and Amazing game forgetting in fucking on second. Now you're listening and we can catch all three seasons on social media on instagram. Yes right that's awesome to know. Thank you so much for being here and thanks for sharing your confident energy. I feel like you are contagious. In a good way. Not in a way and i feel like i'm feeling the confidence that abundance of energy i love that you're saying you're confident you bring other people into confidence sphere instead of pushing other people down so i think i'm gonna live that On a daily daily motto basis. I feel like that is just so compelling to here for all of our listeners. What boost our confidence is more reviews in apple podcasts. Because the more five-star reviews we get the more awesome guests. We can get like serena fucking kerrigan here so please. If you have five seconds in your day just go into apple podcast give us five stars and like a little bit of confidence booster. Just one or two lines about how awesome we are because we know we are awesome as of today we are fucking awesome. But we want to hear from you too okay. So we're going to wrap this up. Stay jay them all and confidence. The dateable podcast is part of the frolic podcast network. Find more podcasts. You'll love at frolic dot media slash podcasts. Want to continue the conversation. I follow us on instagram facebook and twitter with the handle at dateable podcast tag as in any post with the hashtag. Stay dateable and trust us. We look at all those post then head over to our website dateable podcast dot com there. You'll find all the episodes as well. As articles videos and our coaching service with vetted industry experts you can also find our premium y series where we dissect analyze an offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums for also downloadable. For free on spotify apple podcast. Google play overcast stitcher radio and other podcasts platforms. Your feedback is valuable to us. So don't forget to leave us a review and most importantly remember to stay dateable. Almost ninety percent of women have cellulite. And guess what it's not their fault. We don't chew cellulite. But we can't use a different way to treat it. Meet quo colonies. Clostridium is still at aecom a es the first and only fda approved prescription injectable for moderate to severe cellulite in the buttocks of adult women. This nonsurgical treatment is injected by an aesthetic specialist in ten minutes or less individual results may vary do not receive if you are allergic to any or ingredients in quo or have an infection at the treatment site may cause serious side effects allergic reactions including axis and injection site bruising. Seek medical help right away for any signs of allergic hypersensitivity. Tell your doctor about all your medical conditions. If you have a bleeding condition or medicine that prevents clogging most common side effects. Include bruising pain harkness. Itching redness discoloration swelling and warmth at the injection site. Ask your doctor that all possible side effects and for product information. If you're ready to get to the bottom of your cellulite learn more and find a specialist quote dot com.