S11E15: Is 'too fast' a bad thing?

00:00:01 - 00:05:05

The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves.  I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world.

Welcome to another episode of dateable. A show all about modern dating where we dig into the three wise. Why people think the way they do why people do the things they do and why people react the way they do. When it comes to modern dating. I am reacting with a big smile on my face after we heard on apple podcasts in the new and noteworthy section next to come my hair is what does she. She's taxi all her friends right now. I mean just to be clear. I think it's a podcast about her from her. But still the fact that it's a powder that still pretty freaky huge. And then some of the other ones on there tour massive bill gates. It's another good one was shida jones. Yeah yeah they actually do hostess podcast together. Which i thought was kind of an interesting pair. But i the kamla hair is. One are right next to her. Oh it's amazing. The hall may sense so welcome all the new listeners. I guess that's the positive. We had an amazing week of new listeners. Were super excited to have you all here and happy thanksgiving to everyone. Happy thanksgiving week. Where now in end of november is so nuts. I feel this. Year has just been not how i pictured thanksgiving she but this is the best way to kick it off for us at least welcoming all the new list now being very grateful for apple to recognize us and for all of our existing listeners who've been with us for a long time thank you yes for your support your loyalty and your conversation. Yes so if you haven't subscribed jet if you're a new person definitely hit that subscribed butting as we have such good content in store for the rest of the season which will end in december than we are already busy hard at work. Coming up with season eleven. So don't have any fair there either but also for anyone knew we have a lot of stuff. That's kind of like an extension of the podcast to we have incredible facebook group. Like people say that this is like their favorite place on the internet. People are just so supportive and encouraging we've seen people have like full on friendships. That blossomed from it. So it's been amazing and we recently rolled out the sounding board. Which is our private membership group. Which will be talking about later to see. You definitely want to get in on just subscribing and keeping going with us and if this is your first time listening to the show or this is not. You've come in at a very so. We're talking about turbo relationships. Yes with our guest and to define what turbo relationships are. It's basically this phenomenon that came out of quarantine and the pandemic where people are getting in and getting out of relationships very quickly but they go through all the phases of a relationship in a truncated period of time so instead of what would you say like few months to dt. Are these a few hours few zoom day maybe not that turboprop pretty turbo. But i think yelich it's like there is a basic bieb that was like the average trajectory of a relationship at that. It's like a turbo relationship. Everything is kind of like into this condensed period. That makes sense. I mean i guess like in this world. You're just not going to be dating as many people at once. Just i mean out of like pure fear of cova to right. Like we're trying to keep our bubble shore. And i think people this is really changed people's perceptions on relationships like i know it has for me and i've definitely seen it with you you as someone that's in relationship to like i feel like this has really made us either value relationships in a different way and really push to make that more of a priority or it's also been a good way to kind of get in touch with our own self love in like our favorite term in the facebook group masturbating solo. Dating anyone. get your data the gutter. There you can do. Both you can match your be at the same time. I actually masturbating is part of master dating so eggs are all inter related. But what is a super interesting about turbo. Relationships is that you're you're able to uncover so much a short period of time and as what you are saying julia leg for my own relationship. I've been with my partner for two years now. But at the beginning of the pandemic we had been together for a year and a half and in that first month we were in quarantine together we learn more about each other in our last year and a half and it made me question like what were we doing. The last year and a half. We were absolutely not pushing our relationship forward. We were just. I don't know like letting it be. And it was really nice to just uncover some of the things in a relationship that i've been wanting to uncover and also just discover new things that really propelled our relationship ford.

00:05:05 - 00:10:08

Yeah i mean as ten of a bystander. I feel like i've definitely noticed. A huge shifted your relationship. Like i think before you guys were definitely in each other's lives and it was part of it but now you're like doing life together like there's been a huge shift. I think a lot of people have had that in. It's super interesting too. I mean i was thinking about it like do you know that many people that have broken up like i know in china there was like a lot of high divorce rates and i'm sure that exists. I personally can't really think of that. Many people i can think of more that have propelled relationships ward faster or have even if they haven't worked out like our story today with kevin at least they like they had something meaningful were in the past like people haven't had as many meaningful connection ono. Have you heard of anything. The opposite. Though i i was unfortunately i have s quite a few breakup that are about to end in divorce but i would say these relationships were on the rocks in the beginning. Yeah But i think being in quarantine together helped speed up the process or i guess. Rip off the band aid. Eliza weaker relationships would've have just dragged on. You know like especially now. Everyone's i gets a holiday. Let's break up after the holidays. But i do. I do know a few couples who've decided to go their separate ways before the holidays hit yet. No i mean i guess like from my own personal stance. I did revisit a relationship at the start of quarantine for anyone that remembers so long ago at this point so it did definitely propel it faster because we were able to like spend more time together essentially under the same roof for so i think it was good to like kind of. We've talked about this. The fail fast mentality. It's not necessarily a failure when you learn that something isn't the right fit. It's allowing you to be open for the right fit. And i think that's something that definitely came out in this episode today and i think the other piece why love this episode so much Tweet toll kevin who is a friend of ours and has actually been a past guest. He was unseasoned to way back in the day we shared with him like is love howick raw in real. He is about this of not just his story that he shares but i think he really did get raw about just the loneliness. That's happening right now. And i think it's very real and we had actually one of our community members. Dawn comment the other day on facebook. Which i thought was super. I love how much she was like normalizing this because she is someone that's indeed. She has kids like she's not alone per se but she did mention how she does struggle with loneliness when she is by herself and she's really learning to again master date date yourself and i think at the end of the day like that is so important no matter the stage that you're in i mean personally like i was worried about like after my ex and i ended like would i just be super lonely and depressed and i personally haven't felt it because i've been able to lay rely on friends and just fill myself with hobbies pro projects like the podcast and all this but i think there is a skill of learning how to be on your own even if you are in a relationship. Yeah and i think it goes back to what we say the time you have to love being alone before you can enter into a relationship because you can't look for someone to would they say complete. You know complete the complete yourself before you can have someone in your life who can complement you and help and share life with you so i i think that's really profound and i also i can definitely see where don's coming from. There's nothing worse than being in a relationship and feeling that loneliness so learning how to get that loneliness. Even when you're not relationship is really important in the future is just issue. Something that you can't get around totally like she was commenting. It was like her fiance going to work. It's like you can't be a ransom and twenty four seven like even if everything is great you just have to learn it. I think the other thing that i do want to point out aid predictions back at january of last year deliver. This are twenty twenty predictions. This was before covid hit so we did not predict kovin but one thing we did for dick was dating apps would be more like i m l. connections in real life and i think that actually has happened. Maybe not with dating apps as much. But we've seen this uptick of these other social platforms and people turning to you know. We had love in the time of tiktok as one of our earlier episodes of this couple that kinda did the turbo relationship. And they met off tiktok. I'm kevin today talks about this new app clubhouse that he describes as like walking into a virtual bar in then we've even seen it with our facebook group to happy hour so i feel like this is happening. It's like this like finding these alternate methods to meet in this virtual world that we're in another alternate method to meet. People is joined the sounding board for a romantic connections. But basically do you ever feel like you're alone in what you're going through in your love life that you just wish that there was someone else to bounce ideas off of or just give you back from and that person may not necessarily be a friend or family member because you want an objective opinion.

00:10:08 - 00:15:18

That's basically what the sounding board is. It's an extension of the podcast extension of our facebook community. It's a smaller tight knit. Group of people who are very invested in each other's love lives and who are invested in their own well being and personal development in invested in them and the the the main investors in this whole project. I guess you could. You could call it but we just had a great evening last week. With kimmy seltzer. Talking about how to make a great lasting first impression on how to just put your best foot forward when everything not just dating and it was a fantastic event learned so much about just photos of the energy your giving off your body language and then dating profiles some tricks and for people that are in relationships. You're like quarantine twenty four seven. I feel like we're going into that. Second wave inevitably right now. It's like how do you kinda pump up the date night volume so you don't lose all its when you're in sweats. Twenty four seven so there was a lot of different tracks for whatever your needs are. There's something for everyone here. And i think also outside of events to you can go to dateable podcast dot com slash sounding board and read about all of it but we have a few different tiers offer. Different things we also have. This audio series has just released our first once. You're still coming in fresh. If you join now we did. Squashing limiting beliefs in. It's kind of like we're still trying to come up with like the writer because there's some there's nothing like this out there. But it's almost like guided exploration for you like. i don't wanna use the word coaching. I don't love that word but it's almost like trying to help you through just like you know getting to that next level with your love life. Whatever that is and figuring out what is it that is really holding you back. And it's applicable for all so again that you want to about the sounding board that's debatable. Podcast dot com slash a sounding board and another perk of sounding board members. Is you get discounts to our merchandise store. Our merchants dropped a lots of great feedback. So far we have some really fun apparel some really funkier Pillow phone cases. All of the above masks a lot of masks use sweats. Everything i mean. I think my favorite line is the quarantine from boys or socially distance yet emotionally available. But there's a lot of different ones. They're very relevant. With the time we we spent a lot of time coming up with the sayings and dewey graphic design audit so we hope you enjoy them We already have a few people that have ordered their sweatshirt so we can't wait to take a look in some mugs. We also have mug. So if you're not brave enough to rock the corentin from fuck boys. Gary you can at least have it in your home. While you're social distancing awhile sounding more members get a discount it's a pretty steep discount to the merge store of you are not a sounding board member. We do have a black friday sale coming up starting this friday beyond the lookout for that. It's going to be our biggest sale ever as always say at least at our biggest sale ever. it's only because we just launched emerged source is black friday cyber monday just like one this year like what is going on but we'll does make it a will make it a singular sale black year up here left here. Everyone online shopping. Yes we also doing coffee dates. We have the upper tier. That has like a one on one session with you a and i just to kind of you know get talked about whatever really and we only have five spots left on that one we do have it limited just because our own capacity so if you're interested in that definitely get on it and that's a sounding board. We love to take some time for our sponsor for this episode Better help who've been with us for a long time. Thank you so much better help for helping us through these unprecedented times helping us take our mental health as priority in you know everything that's going on right now so better offers. Online counseling with professional credible compassionate therapists in a safe and private environment their counselors specialize in depression relationships pandemics trauma and many other areas and with over three thousand us licensed professionals across all fifty states. They make it easier than ever to find help. In fact so many people have been using better help their recruiting additional counselors in all fifty states. And now for you are wonderful dateable listeners. You get ten percent off first month with the code dateable guest star today by going to better help dot com slash dateable and join over one million people taking charge of their mental health again. That's better help dot com slash dateable and usa co d. a. T. e. a. b. l. e. for ten percents off your first month and now we're ready to get into turbo relationships with kevin one of our first guests ever on the show and one of our longest lasting relationships because we've kept in touch and see episode aired and we become friends and also you've sent out this episode to potential dates and grow.

00:15:18 - 00:20:02

Yes your your thing for a while. Thank you okay. We need to marinate on that for a sec showed logistically. How does that work you match with someone on a dating site you a day and then before you go on the day you're like. Hey listen typists episode. I i mean it's not always like planned out like that. I think a lot of times you know when you're texting on the apps it's hard to really know someone. So sometimes i'll talk about how my writer nelson some pieces of written funny enough when we're doing all these phone calls during quarantine people are like. Oh your voice is really sexy. I'm like oh. Yeah i've actually been on a podcast and that kind of like opens it up but i don't always end is more. It's more like if they've gotten to the point where i feel like okay. You know you should know a little bit about mean the crazy. Things have happened my life just for fun almost everyone. Who's listened to be like. Wow that was i. Thank you for sharing. That was really amazing. The here you know so. I don't think the nestle turned off by more like. Wow this is how this person thinks is. The person talks also. It was five years ago now so things have changed and you do have a sexy podcast voice. I never realized this from the last time you record. I think it's partly your mike as well. And i and i think in the five years you've matured into this deep. Soldiery voice concern fine whiskey. Yeah exactly. I have a feeling. We're going to get a lot of emails after this airs but who is kept. Then we wanna know once again. He is forty three years old. He's been in san francisco for seventeen years originally from india he single and actively going on dates but for this episode in particular. We're talking about a series of of stories that happen during the pandemic. i think everyone's going stir crazy. How do i date during this time. And you've come out of this with quite the story of. I hate to say too fast too soon too much to. What should we call it. We're gonna find out. We're gonna find out but i think one of the thieves that we've heard with dealing in the time of corona. Is this turbo. He's like relationships. That kinda skyrocket so you texted us not knowing that we were going to turn this into a podcast episode. We're like he's like. I just wanna share a story with you. Know we're gonna. What is the podcast. Because i think people should hear your story exists super interesting so tells what happened to get you to new york to meet someone you'd only met virtually take back so If i could rewind a bit i mean quarantine has been hard for me. i'm an extrovert. I love meeting people. I'm very social. Had moved into his new apartment one week before quarantine hit the gas. Instead of having this magical place while my friends are coming over for dinner and you know all the stuff. I've just been alone for the most part and you had a housewarming party planned. I remember that turned into a virtual house. We went through the first virtual birthday to. I was so sad. There really was like. I went from having this amazing party plan with like bartenders and chefs and dj's halloween having a zoom party in this early during the during the pandemic so no one knew. What was going on. Ozzy i ev. I was depressed. Everyone's having hard time right now is leading. Everyone's so scared we enough being outside meant we were going to die right. You know like Felt like fear is everywhere and so as that war on. I was trying to figure out dating funny enough. This new app came on. The scene has nothing to do with dating. would it be kind of became a silicon valley. Darling clubhouse yes. I just got my invite me too. I just found out what it is. Oh my gosh. we're so late in the game. Well i knew it was. I just didn't get an invite earlier. I just got what recently was what it is is that it's audio only chat app and there's different rooms and you can go into different rooms about different topics random summer about work southcenter about non work stuff and you can talk to. People and for the longest time was only. It was a silicon valley. Darling appear as an insane amount of money but the perfect storm of being isolated in your house and having an app where you can talk to strangers just made a blow up and it became for me. I would spend i. I got on a bus. I think in late. June early june. I would spend three or four hours a day talking to people. Wow and now one thing to remember is if you haven't socialized for while he's been a hermit you forget how to talk to people so one there was a relearning like actually had to talk to strangers and be like say how how you doing and this has some pretty big heavy hitters. Oprah's on the app or amazon app. real yeah. Big names are on there. It's a pretty elite right now yet. You don't see anyone you don't wanna see anyone. It's only audio chat.

00:20:02 - 00:25:01

And so one of the things you have to play to your strengths of always realizes that She love talking on the phone. I have never had a problem with it. And i think i have a great voice and people told me i have a great voice like great. This is fun right and we would talk about things. Everything from like how he ended in quarantine To how are you dealing with work stuff you know and sometimes it would talk about dating but like it was so early in the history of the like being a man in the modern era. You wanna be careful with how you come off. You wanna be out there just putting yourself out there and you want to respect people's concerns. I had like almost never slid into anyone's dm's never happens like i just don't do that. You know and so one day This one gets on the app and we're in a private room. There's this a few of us actually another one and another man in it. And i realized that five years previously had messaged her on facebook because she had written some article that i thought was incredible. And that's all it says. Hey this article is incredible. I just want you know. I really liked it. Left unread. never. Did it go to her other folder though it probably did yeah i don't. I don't think she's being malicious anyway. Then i her this and she's like oh my god so so nice if you thank you and she has really beautiful voice and these are people in the room and we just start talking immediately. Apparent that we're like vibing and we're just talking almost feels like running virtual date like we're but other people in the room and they're trying to talk and it's kinda kinda funny but we're both also being careful because i don't have anything obvious ragu just like and i was talking about. Hey you know always wanted to new york. And she lives in new york and your dream for me. I've lived in san francisco. Lived in dc other than seattle of never lived in new york. And i think york place for me and she lived there. And i was like. Hey i always want to move new york. What's it like and shustov her life and we. We ended up talking from eleven. Am my time till like three or four. Am my time we just you two or the whole group. At this point there was a few other people coming in and out but it was mostly me her. Okay were they just like coming out. And they're like there's major flirtation i need to. I mean that's awkward. That's because it's like walking into a virtual cocktail party. Yeah as a way of connecting to people during time when we're also isolated it's a beautiful experience pure spending forty eight hours on the app easily per day and so We had this amazing. I chat and i didn't know what to think. But the next morning i wake up you know i remember this is. She's on the east coast times as much later for her. She's like i have to go to bed. it's five. am six. We also remember how m- how are we all starved or connection right now right right during the pandemic and he said it's a big thing for a lot of people have starved. People are which makes sense. I'm start for a connection. You know and i wake up next morning and i'm going on twitter because one of the things with clubhouse soon has a twitter account and then you can kind of connect and that's all the backchannel happens and going on twitter about to tweet senate her. Dm saying hey. I had a good time. But she ends up tweeting me and saying i blame kid bombay. Which is my handle on someone else for keeping on thanks clubhouse right when i like that it was like the perfect timing flirtation. This is flirting twenty anyway. I have never slept to anyone. The two thousand twenty. This was the first time ever saluted denver's. Dm's this time she didn't dm you. She should public. But i d m her i said. Hey i hope you got some sleep. We started chatting what. I've been doing a lot lately is At my new neighbor going on walks a lot during the pandemic myself just like going grocery shopping or whatever and taking long walks outdoors because heck house as one does by said. Hey i'm going about to. Can i call you. And she goes sure so i give them a number of this all over twitter. Dm's anyway we have this amazing three and a half hour phone call. Wow we're we just talk about everything everything from life to dating to whatever the whole time i hadn't really broken out and said hey i'm interested in just talking about stuff in his moment where i was sitting at the park talking to her about so my views on on just life in general rome exactly what i said but she was like wherever you said was so beautiful. I'm actually crying right now. Wow he's really deep connection like it was really beautiful and i love what she was saying. You know there was just a lot of amazing things. She was talking about with the way. She viewed her life and for some how we got to talk about dating. And i've actually in the grocery store at this point i was like picking up like buried or something. They said she said something. Like i have gone forever. And i was like well. I like to take you out. Oh she has really. I said yeah. Sure i would love to take you out. She goes in new york while mike. Yeah we can start there and see you at this point. Decide you're gonna fly after the one three and a half hour call was. This was just the i'd like. We were just talking about flirting with the idea. I made one thing i like to do. I like me. My tension really clear.

00:25:01 - 00:30:01

I think it's twenty twenty enough. Say i'd like to take you out on a date. whoa. I don't do this whole let's hang out. Let's each other no like i wanted to clear i'm interested in you. Gave me no better if you're a great if you're not that's totally fine. So you knew what she looks like at this point did she know i mean. Does she know who you what you look like so on clubhouse you can see your profile pictures. But because i'd messenger years ago. I'd seen does she's very beautiful woman. You know And hopefully she thought. I think she thought i was attractive. So that was great anyways so we plan like this date the very same night after our three and a half hour phone call. And i'm like okay. Wow all right. We're gonna do this. And honestly first of all during the pandemic up until then i had hated video dates there. Yes awkward and horrible and not fun. Hadn't found a way to really like make fun you know. And it's odd like starts once on the screen and try to make a connection and thanks. That's what we're doing right now you're going. We know each other a whole different ballgame world. I know what you're like. I know what your interactions are. What your energies like But our video. You don't any of that Anyway apparently this one. She's like video pro and she'd been doing video for professionally for so long she was really good at it and so she made me feel saudi so again as first date and ends up two and a half hour video day my hands lee tired guys just talking or were you like doing anything on the video days the time on this first date. We were just talk. Just talk about you guys clearly. we'll one. she's an excellent communicator. Very mature person. There's a couple of things with dating the pandemic. i think one we don't. We haven't realized how isolated we all felt right. And i had talked his mother virtually like the month previously or too much before that i remember i had one woman and within four days of us talking on the phone a couple of hours a day. She had said she had fallen from the. Wow ray like. I think people are just starved. Yup for connection. I try to be very expressive. I try to kind of like you know. Be emotions now. I'm not perfect by any means. But you know i i try to communicate well so we had this like great first video day. Let me plan another one and we put in our second one. That was our official video date where we're going to get dressed up. Do all the staff and we were gonna make dinner together. She was going to make the same meal. I was going to say meal and we were walking talking. Do this whole thing so keo so we go on the second video date. And so here's the thing with during pandemic. i haven't been wearing pants pan. What pants nobody's wearing pants. There's really big difference between san francisco dating and new york dating. You're dating. They weren't paying pants. There's also just a different kind of attitude. A different kind of approach to fashion and everything is totally. That's unknown yeah. I've become an sf sweatpants where Anyway so we go on his first date i have. I put my iphone up in a way where you can see me cooking. And the first thing she's screams out you're not wearing pants. But you were wearing sweatpants right. You're wearing actually just my underwear. Oh you are oh. That is different wearing sweatpants all that. Here's the thing how many of us are actually wearing pants. At all. Right i am. I'm not. I'm not trying to walk outside but normally i wouldn't be by video calls or my phone calls during the pandemic. I'm not wearing pants. It's nothing personal. I hadn't thought about it. And i was like loops. And she's like well. Thanks for dressing up. Because he addressed up and i was like i feel really bad but very different your recess new versus us up. Let's just couldn't hands. I clearly messed up. But it wasn't like sexual or anything lilley was just like i don't wear pants and for a sec. With the mommy had a lovely day we meet some enjoyable Cauliflower pizza together and i had never made that before and it was really fun and again it was like a three four hour day over video which is a long time but he never felt like a longtime okay so we proceed for the next month honestly just to have amazing conversations. Are you talking like every day. Three to four hours talking and texting and video chatting and phone calling almost every day. Wow and it's honestly really beautiful it's We had a lot of things in common lot. Similar things we like. You know we're both indian So we had that similar background. Both are ambitious. You know we had a more background She cares la by her work. Kill about my work. You know but we also know how to live our lives no enjoy ourselves and we both similar ages so that was there was a lot that was like lining up you know my in addition to all this deep conversation are you to also opening up about your feelings for each other slowly. Yes yes it definitely. Because i had that experience with that other woman where she'd opened up so quickly better emotions. I was a little bit gun shy but one of the things we did. We talk about our love language. Which i know you guys are big fan of but we also talked about.

00:30:01 - 00:35:00

I started this idea of called the He but an on boarding docks the idea by god. That is out here me out this idea where i realize is when you meet someone if you had cheat sheet. Yeah or what. This person loves and doesn't like yeah you would do better. Yeah yeah right so perfect example for me. I get angry right yes. It's horrible. i agree. And i told her this and like there was times. Where like you know we'd be talking about the montage like igli snack. Oh that right head because she knew and same thing for her like she had sent me something about her. We actually both made a google doc talking about our individual like how needs and was honestly one of the most beautiful expressions about kind of how you wanna be loved right like one of hers was she loves voice messages like the ones that you sound like audio messages and so i sent more of those and that made it feel special and same for me. Whatever needs honesty. I think when you're meeting someone Especially virtually how do you get to know each other really right. We would do things that we would take walks. Virtually together but it's the freaking pandemic like people are dying. Oil is crazy. I don't know what's going on. And honestly i don't know what about flying like flying. Sounds scariest faulk yeah. Let's be honest. The good thing was. I had just taken my first road trip during the pandemic and what i had done was driven up by myself from san francisco to Northern california coast to oregon to crater lake and back and just really actually got out in the world for the first time during the pandemic and really. I love nature. I love hiking and really taking the time to get comfortable and also it removed. A lot of fear of. I mean covid is serious. It's no joke. People are dying. Aren't you wear masks. But i think one of the things happened in san francisco and it's always nice conversations. People were so scared. People weren't doing anything right right and that's not good either. There's a danger to not doing any right to tell us election russia. The mental amount was depressed mental health. Luckily it had it therapist in the last few months i did a lot more with my therapists since the pandemic so that's been good. So did you drive to new york. Did you fly there will. Let's get lucky ten seconds. do we've been talking for. Everything was great. We were trying to figure out the flight stuff. And this is the thing that the pandemic is really changed. Which is you have to have the code talk on before you actually meet which is so much like the talk shows. Have you been tested. Who you hanging out with the lesson you got tested yet and so luckily both mature and we had a really good conversation about it but she has pacific concerns. I wanna make sure addressing them so we both ended up getting tested. We both kinda liked. Where like really clear on what we thought was safe. Agreed on know how we would meet. Mitch very immature conversation. Have a very early relationship. Also i feel like before you would never be like. Have you kiss someone or something. That's like so little. Did she ask about your dating life outside of her and vice versa we talked about. I mean there was nothing we didn't talk about. I mean we talk all ends of relationships and dating in personal growth and yeah i mean we were transparent as possible and we over that time. A connection really grew like there. Was this person that. I thought that was really amazing. You know so. Do you think this was like there was something here. Like serious at this point. One hundred percent hundred percent. I wouldn't talk much on the phone. You know got to the point. Where like i wasn't even trying to talk to anybody else got it was. It was like we were almost already in a relationship even though we've never met and we didn't say we were exclusive by any means but like after a month of talking on this time invest right. Yeah and you don't have time for someone else right not just hit on time for someone else. If you want something deep you have to explore it right. It's too easy in this modern world to like going twenty-five virtual dates in a heartbeat. You know the reason i asked was ca. Some people are turning to these super long dates out of boredom right like there is a difference between genuinely feeling connected to someone versus like. Let me just do this. Because i have nothing else to do. I mean before. Before the pandemic i would not try to have long conversations with people before we went on a first date rate is it would always go bad. Because you create this connection and you'd meet in the traction was a bear or something off and it wouldn't work out so i generally has a plan like to meet a pretty soon but obviously the pen clover code has changed everything but we talked about something deeply meaningful things so at one point It's like a sunday night and she's already in bed and i'm like screw it. I'm just by flight. Maybe all the details at wanted like what kind of time periods. And all this stuff. And i just bought a flight and she wakes up in the morning and she's like oh my god baby butterfly. I can't believe i'm so excited. I can't happening and it was about a week away and i can't believe i bought a flight conversation. My dad and i don't usually talk to my dad about dating bright said. Hey i'm thinking of flying to go meet this girl. My dad's alerts. He's like So do you wanna meet a girl. Do you wanna die. Another day with her.

00:35:00 - 00:40:02

But he's like in his late seventies so obviously he's concerned about this but he's you hit a fair point and like that causing you think about it because i was like. Wow i'm gonna get a plane potentially expose myself. Kobe fly all the way new york. It's a long flight. So i read every single article on all the cove stuff. What safe what's not safe. What's incidents rates like. I was like a scientist all the sudden. you know. it's really hard to decide for some of the stuff. I talked to my doctor. Friends like i like was like researching. The last thing i wanted to do was go fly. Yeah and then get ovid right or other exactly exactly if someone else could be compromised because of me. I would never like that now. Right in corbeil is worse than this. Td right oh yeah for sure now and so but we made the save plan like i got a face shield like the whole thing like i was wearing gloves you know like i bought the best mass possible like i made sure everything's safe and all that worried. I got a fly on united time which was not doing middle seats so had bazeley meena space and the someone else so get on the plane fly in newark and is totally fine. The flight was super-safe. Everyone was masking. Everyone was being safe. We had distance. I felt really safe. I feel probably safer that in a long time because airplanes they circulate the air and everyone on all the fight attendants were on the mass was wearing and even was eating on the airplane. I wore my face. Shield masks off house wear glasses select lilly. There is no pores visible anybody. Right like i just did everything i could be safe. I land in originally. We had made all his plan from me. Like is really extensive. Like wait a couple days and get kobe tested. Make sure i was clear. And then when we see each other and then busy everything. I read said if you really do that. You have to two weeks because the incidence of exposure is up to fourteen days from four four seattle. Nothing in three days. Nothing three days is not going to happen so even though we were like had all this plan i land colonna said hey. The flight was super easy. You wanna meet up tonight. And she's looking yes so she's like it's on. I've been waiting a month for this. What did you guys plan where you were going to stay. Once you get to new york. Yes we had all these dot competition. I had made sure that i was going to get a hotel close. you lived. i didn't want her To feel like. I had never. I have never done along this stadium before. This is my first time. So i made sure that like i had all the time in the world likes day by myself. Make sure we had space. I told her. Don't cancel your meeting on the week. I'm here right normal life like let's not go from zero to one hundred right. You know already. Basically going from their matra foreshadowing But we ended up meeting that night. And she's you know listening to her place aussie that i was magical. She couldn't believe. I was there in the flesh. She was gorgeous. And i was nervous. I mean did a beautiful sunset walk in central park when you first saw her. Did you guys hug. Was sarah kiss. We like asef john fund. If i said. I didn't wanna have sex our first night. I had said that because in my experience when you have sex for semi meet jillions about working out. Yeah but you've been talking like stop for a month. I don't know how much my hormones were feeling different things. But i just want to ensure fair enough you know also i just think it's like an anticipation beautiful cat right and you know and so no. I don't remember we've met and i wanted to kiss her but i didn't know what the right moment was. And we go on this like beautiful walk in central park or at the castle the belvedere castle. Whatever it is looking at sunset and it just feel special. Everything feels right. I was really happy. You know funny enough. She had never during covid gone out to a restaurant because she was concerned about health. And i said hey. Do you wanna go out to eat tonight. Scott haven't done about do with you. We find this like corner. Italian place is outdoor seating. like i'm being closely like dropping things left and ripe super cute and we're having a great time and This musician comes up and starts playing music and seig over to him and said i request song killing me softly of course which. He was one of her favorite songs from europe on boarding dock k. Got an tomorrow morning and we started dancing in the middle of the street during the pandemic. Wow straight out of a movie right now. this is i feel that you're gonna take a turn really said it was. It was picture perfect. I'm honestly i mean it was a beautiful meeting it really was and i will always cherish that and I think during a time period where so many people are scared to be able to express love and desire is actually a beautiful thing for the last six months. I've been scared to believe my house. I've been scared touch. My friends and family been scared to be human in here. I'm able to connect with someone that i've never met before but in a way that just feels really special. You know so the first few days of us hanging out everything's rate.

00:40:02 - 00:45:15

I have my hotel. I go there during the day. Do my work. She does her stuff and it was good and then she had said. Let's do a road trip out of the city because there's not much do new york during the pandemic and then i want to be a lot of people now's like i don't know i love road trips but a road trip with someone you just met sounds a little scary and we draw up upstate and it just quickly went very obvious being like it's one thing to like date in the city but i think during a trip to earlier with someone is as we've already heard from me in the past idea. Was it just like twenty four seven time together like what was it that made it a bad time to two things how someone travels right like. I'm very easy going I just go with the flow. Whatever i'm not while concerned with covid. I'm not gonna compromise on. How many in the worry about and she was more concerning recoil. Respect that right and just the way our energies flowing. It's one thing to have energy on a day and in your house and like walking on the city is holding on a road trip. Yeah and it just quickly became obvious that we weren't vibing all of a sudden but we ended up lake staying with some of her friends who are amazing incredible and we had this this week where we went from never having that having that to stay together then doing a road trip together then meeting someone for friends and then go hiking together and was zero to one. Hundred is too much too quickly so at this stage. Were you like. I totally get it. I mean there's a reason why in non turbo relationships Tips pre covid usually didn't go away for the weekend with someone that you're just dating right. That usually was like a couple of months down the line or at least a month down the line. Meet someone's friend so soon. Either right exotic things go at a slower pace usually hang out one to two times a week or whatever so i guess my question for you though is like i think for me at least ooh i would. I would have trouble seeing things unfold and being like okay. This isn't really vibing but then also remembering all the connection we had and how special it was like. How was there ever a point that you were like i'm still gonna give this a shot or did you decide like this isn't what i want. We tried and i'm hey we did. I think we both really really tried. And at some point when you're virtually connected to someone in some very different than in person you just is. Nothing takes the place of that also spending so much time with so quickly. No matter who it is. I'm a horrible person who's been twenty four seven with me if you haven't met before right like everyone has their own idiosyncrasies That you know when you first like we went from little league nothing to like almost practically living together for a few days and that was too much and all my friends like. Why don't you guys just stay in the hotel separately again. I mean it's a lot of sense 'cause we didn't like too late now but also there. Was this fear of like we only have this week together max at alley but then you maxed too much basically maximize invested too much in that and it probably would. In hindsight it would be better to just be like a wednesday stay by halter a thursday. I'll state my hotel. Stay friday even on the weekend. Maybe go for a day but not a whole like three or four days. You know to go somewhere this is. It's it's like kick say it's like learning how to ride a bike. You don't like pick up the bike and the new one hundred mile ride the next day. You just don't like a relationship has have strength has to have legs to live on denoted to handle more intricate things. Okay let's pause right there because we have a big announcement from us. Let's face it. It's a weird time to dating or developing relationships. Have you recently decided that you want to make some changes to your love life. Maybe you've recently reentered the dating. See maybe you've gone on one too many dates that went nowhere. Or maybe you're ready to take your current relationship to the next level. That is exactly why we created the sounding board a true extension of our podcast that delivers a personalized experience which includes one on one coffee dates with us. A dateable live after show exclusive audio content and much more allow julian. I become your dating sherpa to provide real time guidance and wisdom in a more intimate way so we can navigate dating and relationships together. Join the sounding board today by going to dateable podcasts dot com slash sounding board again. That's dateable podcast dot com slash sounding board. Okay let's get back into this combo you do hear some of those people that meet like we actually had another couple on our podcast that met through tiktok which is actually kind of like famous couple. Yeah it's like the sensually similar to it's similar to clubhouses. There's new modern day eating up. That's not really a dating app rate. But they like essentially just they kind of like. We've already gone all in like everything's going great. We're just going to go with it and keep doing it. Like i could see it really blasting off but then we've also talked about this like fail fast mentality of things just not you know like learning quicker like do you think it's that you just ultimately weren't compatible or do you think it was the too soon too fast i think it's a combination of both right.

00:45:15 - 00:50:08

I think any relation given time if you water carefully can grow at the right pace but if you're over water it's going to die right and that's louis what happened when you tried too much to weekly you know. I don't think it's her fault. I don't think it's my fault. We were both really cited for that connection. We're both excited than me. And then she have. Who thought someone could be a partner place. So is that the end of the story. Sorry i so you go on this trip together. A road trip. Yeah it's clear you're not getting along. Is that the end of you too. Well so we had spent like a week and a half together. Basically by the end of it i ended up staying in my hotel and it was kind of like a sad day rose like i guess it's not working. She's like yeah. This is not working. We both realized it. We brought up being friends. She was like. I'm not ready for that. Some time again makes sense because she is so important to me you know and hopefully important her and yet we just went our separate ways and I was slim york and in the fires. Were raging out here in california. So i ended up doing buddy of mine said i needed crash at your place. He's sure come on over and staying in your actually hold additional month. Do you guys see each other at all. In that month we saw each other ones and so one of these we talked about is reason. We did the road trip. Is that afterwards. We wanted to go fall for trip up to maine like the bigger road trips. London the practice richard i. I ended up still whining to go on that road trip. And and the doing that road trip and like going to maine and vermont new hampshire and having this incredible myself saturday with by myself. But because i saw this nature into hiking and loved it and got away from the city for a while we talked about meeting up afterwards but at that point there was no point. You know like i would have just prolonged agony. And i don't think she at first she wanted to see me. And i want to somehow maintain friends because someone is important but i don't think that's what she wanted so like kind of went on on ways and i respect that you know one thing i've heard about new york dating a friend of mine who lives there was crashing. It was like york when people are done. they're done. Oh inter stay. Lincoln lingers forever hate that new york is like we're done. You're like that. I'm so like that i respect. It's hard it's so dot how it is here at all but there's a lot of people in yeah. I'm friends with still because we used today. But it's not. Like i really want to hang out with your chances of running into them in. Sf are lot higher than is true. Probably dislike a mentality of like onto the knacks. There's like a zillion people here. He just changed a borough. And you're like good. I do think there's a difference between new york attitudes and like essa terms with how we talk about dating and how we do things that we were definitely different in that style right like she was keep on asking me like loosey goosey. Are you polly on him. I mean no. I'm not but like you know there's like the the the stereotypes like new york. Are you a harsh critical. She we're in touch our feelings. Here were soft exactly so we are also loosey goosey a little bit. Yeah flakier shirt. So i'm still trying to like understand this whole thing because i feel like i get like that. You're like okay. We spent a lot of time. Together is not vibing. I just like what was the effort to be like. I'm gonna try anyways. Like what would that period look like or you just like no. This isn't gonna work. I think when you involve your friends too soon when you take a trip to soon like all these things started coming up for me and we just had very different lifestyles in sounds cliche. But she was a city girl. And i'm an outdoors guy you know even living. Sf like on this last trip. I did reflect fifty miles of hiking. You know and i. I love being outdoors and i'm always. I always like that and not that. That's the only thing. I think the attitudes around how we live and where we want in the future and it was like to keep investing something where we both don't want the same future so this is a blessing in disguise in a way because there wasn't going to be much of a change you would have discovered this sooner or later is just that. This event prompted it. Sooner that's much relations. Everything comes up sooner yet. And that's why we are saying like this whole fail fast mentality like startups right. Your car is to fail fast. And it's not necessarily a bad thing we've always said before covid one of the biggest challenges in modern dating people. Just let things drag out like half for so long in this might have you might have been in a relationship with this woman for like six months till you figure it out the things that you figure it out in like a month right. I learned a lot about myself. you know. i've been talk my therapist more avenue. Lot more deeper work on what came up for me in terms of like i slept things i had figured out yet and i'm sure some of the things happen for her as well so i i think this kobe thing is got us.

00:50:08 - 00:55:01

All so twisted. It's got all of us so aussie i think scared that. Sometimes it's hard to know when you're acting out of what you want acting out of fear. I was gonna say that to like you said this has happened with a few women. Not just her and i think there is definitely this like you know. Everyone's greatest fear. Is that the light die alone and end up thinking covert times. That became like okay. This actually could be now for. And i'm like ninety right. And i think like i wonder how much that has propelled people to be making these like rash judgments with turbo relationships. Whether it's like the person they're falling four or just like the need to be with someone. But i also think it makes a lot of steps like why not like if the world is ending. Don't you wanna be with somebody. It's not like it's like dislike bad need or a immature need. It's makes a lot of sense like everyone that i've been close to in the last few years with kobe. I've gotten closer to right. The people that really matter got even closer to them. Become even more important to me and people did that. Matter don't matters much. We've just fallen by the wayside because there's a sharpening of your a emotions when fear and death is around the corner rate. You realize what's important at one thing realizes like this was the kind of relationship i wanted one. We communicate a lot where we talk openly about both our fears and our concerns and our love languages. I love the style that of how we kind of met you know. Maybe not the pacing. But i also. I also learned that you heard from the last one. I got to slow things down. I haven't learned this lesson five years later. Full your last stories about a trip. Also i'm just getting like major flashbacks right. No would really was zoning. Here's my dream is actually tell women when i meet them. My dream is to meet someone. I can travel the world with as literally my most biggest when it comes to relationships. I love traveling. And if i can find someone can travel that to me is really important and i've tried that with people and some people it's worked some people it's not and so we will worked out really quickly. Discover the quickly. It's something actually. When when i do i call with someone. Say i have a dream. What do you think this stream and see how they react. Because they're not down for. I know like look ultimately. We ought to go on a trip tomorrow. This is an actual thing. I i plan on traveling. The whirlwind safe to write you know and i want to be with someone is open to that and i think i've been thinking about manifestation in in the last few years and my goal is to manifest the kind of life i want and if that's with the person that has the same goals that's incredible that would be my dream and that's something that i think who doesn't want that right who doesn't want to manifest like the life that they want. Ray and i think the only way to do that. Is you talk openly. people. Saying here's what i would like. You know. this is interesting. Because i think what you do. Is you sell a vision very well. And if you listened to our episode with sherry deba. She was say you're a row romance addicts love addicts. You are so sold on the narrative and the story. But then there's this an i see this with a lot of people during covid. Everybody wants the outcome. But they don't want that journey to the outcome which is laying down the groundwork which is like the nitty gritty of being a roommate with someone. It's very different from dating. Someone romantically them being a roommate with them. And i always call this reality. Tv effect is as soon as these people. Get off the bachelor. They break up because they're like. Oh shit now we have to split the bills more pay for shit and now we have to do life together. We have to go grocery shopping together. And i think in a covert time if the world ends tomorrow yes. We all have really great romantic relationships today because it's ending tomorrow but then you find out that it's not ending tomorrow. It does put a different spin to the whole scenario. I think what i'm struggling with is like i keep i flip flop like this. Entire story is too fast too soon. A good thing or a bad thing. Like i can't decide i think on one hand. It's a good thing like you were saying. It's like you know move fast. See if it's a fit keep going like onto the next do it again. Brinson repeat the the downside of that is. Are you giving any one enough of a chance like what you were saying. You a of like the like the little stop. The more gritty roommates stuff like yes. You're giving them a chance in the sense that you're spending a lot of time with them but when things get real like. Is things able to progress. Like i'm still figures like maybe it is that you just figure it out. Your lifestyles were incompatible.

00:55:01 - 01:00:04

But then on the other side is if there was more time. Would you have found a way to compromise and make them compatible. So there's two things here if you tell someone you want to slow down one. Are they going to see this healthy to what does that bring up for them because it was moments where we try to slow down before we had met and we're talking about certain things and knocking to ourselves and the i've been married before i have a daughter twenty one now i've i've been income relationship so it's like i definitely have lived that remit life. You know with a partner. I think what it is talking about slowing down especially in right now during the romans freaking out is not an easy thing to do and he can bring up your own things like my being rejected or is this like the right thing. There was definitely moments. We're talking that month or meeting. Where i had said something. She's being both was kind of like. Whoa what's up right. But then we came back and said look healthy to take our time in this. It's ok does mean awami just means you be careful. But i don't think that's always an easy to navigate an changes once physicality in the pitcher And so i think everyone has a plan until they're kissed him the face. Yeah you know. There's the screen the definitely provides that when you're getting closer they're still feels like there's a distance because that screen exactly exactly and i just think it is the twenty four seven and beings actually think it really is like a relationship has to have legs and strength to last through certain things if we had been together for three or four months and gone on a road trip probably fine if we had been together for a couple months. Better friends who probably would find right if you do all of that and as you your two hundred moving which is often hindsight sons horribly dumb but hey i was feeling it and i was excited and it was some parts. Were really amazing right. It felt like the whole thing was horrible. It's just that it didn't work out. I don't think it's dumb. I don't think i don't think i mean at. This story is so awesome to hear. And i think it gives law people hope to know that you can find really deep connection to find someone so that you're so into you're willing to risk your health that to get on a flight to go see them on a whim. That's just like the the story book romance that we're all looking for. I think it's not about slowing down. I agree with you. Can i think it's very sensitive topic for people like for me during the pandemic during quarantine my boyfriend i basically moved in together. That was not planned in. The first month was fantastic. We're playing house now. We can take turns cooking and now we can do chores together and grocery run second month there was like i fucking hate you. And he if he brought up the slowing down. He's like maybe we should. We should go back to our own apartments where basically translation go back home. Because i was at his apartment so like we should take some space time and i flipped the fuck out. I'm like nope. You're not pushing me away. This works but we ended up at was it wasn't about slowing down. It was it was confronting the conflict. And how do we get past conflict and really welcoming that conflict. Right wasn't about taking base or taking time. It had nothing to do with time honestly if we were still in that conflicted mindset for another year. This still would have come up. I think he was just about taking on that conflict head on. So here's the thing though. Is you guys have been dating for like a year and a half before this. Do you think though. I love your thoughts given what you do. You think could have done that with this. That was like the month the couple days that you met absolutely you know. The thing is in the in the month. That quarantine hit that. We were in quarantine. We both realized that we didn't our relationship for that. Last year was not setting a strong foundation. We were dating. We were having fun. We were having a romantic relationship. We were not doing life together. And quarantine made us to life together. So i think it doesn't matter that we were together for that year because we actually setting the groundwork we had to do it in quarantine. Yeah i could definitely attest noticing a difference there so you're basically saying that you don't think it matters. It would have if you really did head on that conflict but kevin. You could say that you weren't the right fit and it wasn't worth it you know. I also think here's the thing one thing i've learned in dating. I used to go on a date with someone at the end of the first day after they wanted to go on a second date and fifty percent of the time before the second date happened. They'd be like you know what i wasn't. I don't really want to go for the reason. I was totally fine now. I stopped asking people at the end of the first day if they wanna second because it gives them the time to think gives them that space and i think the problem is part of being someone is a time you're apart from them missile thinking about them and this will all health really ship should have.

01:00:04 - 01:05:00

But if you don't have that if you're too busy living there for a week and a half and don't have any time apart you don't have that reflection period actually be like what am i feeling. What am i going through what what's going on and i think that's a healthy thing that you know so one thing i've been working on i think space is a six lovling. Yeah i agree. I want to add to that list. John godman. I need to talk to john donovan. And and because they actually really think space in modern lee ships with the way that we are more independent than it used to be. The way gender roles have changed the last fifty years with the way that relationships are pushed on us in. You know whether you're a couple or not. I think space is something we all need to embrace. I'm not talking about huge space but even just a little bit of space right or how you want. your space. Shopping relationship is super important. And i realized when people give me space relationships i do a lot better. Yeah the more. I'm thinking about it. Because like i totally hear what you're saying you that you guys like weren't really set up for life. You were dating whatever. But i do think having those conversations because you still had a foundation and might not have been like the strongest foundation but it was a foundation. I'm just thinking of like someone. I barely knew like space from you like it would be cut. It'd be game over like i think. Yeah it was. It was hard for you to hear that to you. Guys were able to work through it. Where i think if you don't know anything about them there's more there's less at stake right. It's like easier just to cut baila. Here's exactly so i can see like how even though yes like the quarantine time does bring people together. I do see not having any history. Not really knowing how they operate like how that can make it very difficult to have those conversations but if that is the case in captain you've had some time away from her. You've had your space. She's had hers. Have feelings changed. I don't think from me no. I don't know what she's feeling because we really haven't can touch but I have fought a lot. More about what i want my life and actually i'm moving to new york. Oh really yeah. Moving to new york in march melissa. Oh shit has been dream of mine so this helps you. Get their little additive angle. The story is. I might have not fallen in love with somebody as new york. But i found with new york. I think that is really important. I think it's a good segue to takeaways too. Because i feel like even though this didn't work out i still think it's a wild success because it sounds like you learned a lot about one. It's helped shape where you're going to end up being but i do think it also like you said it really showed you what lifestyle you need with someone in like what you need in a partner and bbs romanticize maybe it's not like we'll go back and forth but ultimately like there are certain non-negotiables that everyone has there's a balance of being open versus not finding someone that suits you like. I think you do need to know yourself and you do need to know like what will fit. I think also my other takeaway is the too fast. I think i've come to a conclusion. That too fast too soon is not a bad thing like i do. Think the failed. Pass matassa verdict. That's my verdict. I feel like the reason. I say that is because pre cover days. We were always saying that people were half-and-half outplaying relationship. Chicken knocked giving anything a chance. And i do think yes like. Maybe this would have progressed over time. It's hard to say we we can never predict either way but you did give it a chance like you definitely put in a lot of effort more than we would have done pre cova days so i think learning like knowing that you gave it your hall. You really tried to like give it that shot. I think i would take that any day over. Not giving it my shot. I mean the thing is really important. Here is even though it didn't work out. I have amazing amounts of respect for this person. I have a lotta love for this person. She's beautiful person And i do think that one of the things. That's really easy to do. When things don't work out is to to kind of bright negative history. Go find out how the how the saudis one person was horrible. Did all these terrible things. And that's what it is your feelings change over time. And that's understandable normal and you see things in different light. I was able to open my heart at a time. That was really scared. And i was able to like you said take a trip at a time when i was really scared. Why me now discovered a person. I discovered that this there's a city that feels like my home now. It's funny. I came back to ask south just a few weeks ago immediately landed. I was like this is not right anymore. I knew it hasn't felt like home since i think i do. Actually people ask me.

01:05:00 - 01:10:02

Do feel lucky to this apple mac. I really lucky. Yeah because one. What's the chance of meeting someone on clubhouse random app during the pandemic flying new york and having all these amazing experiences in and then realizing hey you know this is my city. Yeah i mean. I think we always say to on this podcast. That people always like a great success to like forever in. That's not necessarily success in a relationship. And i think the fact that it's putting you on a certain path whether that's to a new city or to knowing what you want a little more. I think that is success. I think that's also my takeaway is that we should always note that the people come in and out of our lives for a reason and sometimes it's just the universe giving a sign that may be outside of dating or relationships in your case it's pointing you to a city and to a life change. 'cause a huge life change for you and we have to just be open to these signs. The universe gives us in the form of a person in this story. But my challenge she. You is because you know we've had you on the podcast twice now obviously friends and we've talked a lot to lie and you're so great a setting up relationships i feel like you are a pro like if there is a. What is the person in volleyball. You set the center said her. You are the relationships has to be a new term the release right-center. Did we get it right here. On the first one time it took you the. I was trying to time you how long it took you tell the story of how you met. And then what you did. And then like to them. First moment you met in new york. That amount of time was probably ten times. The story of you saying you us how it ended in fact. You really didn't take any time. Tell us a story of how it ended which just shows to me that you love said adding up relationships. next time. When i talked to you. I would love to hear a beautiful story of how you overcame a conflict with someone now so much how you met them. And how you fell in love and how you met each other spreads but it's that moment of conflict is a start of the story and how you to become became closer after that conflict. I will have to be that as your challenge. Because you're always going to be the relationship setter if you don't you're just setting it up for someone else a spike and whoever comes into this woman's life next he's going in he's going in for that spike and he's check your the fluffer your other relationships you're the center. You're the good luck chuck. You really aren't because i think you've really wrapped her up now. She's like open to relationships. Now i bet you anything. She's kind of like. I didn't know i was capable of feeling this way especially during covid. You're just looking people up to attack. Relationship metaphors are getting. Worse or better are better. Yeah that is so dead on. I didn't even think about it but the amount of time in the story is drastically different. I think every time you come on this podcast you a calls you out on something in a loving way. Of course i will change your life. We've had many discussions because even when you text me you're like i'm going on my first cova date we've had all these long discussions on the phone and we have this huge connection and the next text i is. It didn't work out like you are romance addict addicted to romance really. Are you. set it up so well in. you're so good s storytelling. And i think you do this so you could tell the story as it is how it is. I didn't find for the story know. In hindsight it is a beautiful story to tell. I can almost hear the birds chirping. As you're dancing in the street twirling her around. I mean that's what i visualized but when you do life those things go away and i liked to life with someone and what that looks like. I really appreciate what you're saying. And i appreciate the bush back. I mean. i definitely talked therapist about this up in. How can my friends about you know what happened. What i what. I what i could have done better. I don't think there's a situation which you can't look at yourself and say hey. What could have i improved. I do think when you have been divorced and you've gone through the wringer you almost want to make sure you're not making the same mistakes again. Because i've been in love with someone that i had to get divorced from. That was more painful than in love was and so. I think it's am not say how many solutions to this thing. In the modern era of how do you know what conflicts are worth resolving.

01:10:03 - 01:15:00

Yeah right like you you and your boyfriend who seems great. Figured out a way that this was worth resolving. Yeah right but when you don't know that's the scary part like. Is this going to be worth it you know later on. I think even if you haven't been divorced. I've gone through that myself. It's like wendy. Stop fighting for something or when do you keep fighting for it. And i think there is a thin line. I mean gallic. I don't know what the right answer is. That's why keep flip-flopping of if it's a good thing or a bad thing. I definitely see the positive like presser variance and like trying to make something work but then at the end of the day like trying to fit like a square peg in a round hole. That's not good either. It's better to like move on and find the right partner so what that line is having. That's the million dollar question right. And her friends said something. I thought was really hilarious. She's like you guys are on a week long date so week long for a state Yeah and that makes lot of sense if i it goes bad. It doesn't mean everything was horrible. Just means first day didn't work out right but that's what happens if a week long. I right That would be hard for anybody. I think you know. But i have. I have a pretty good answer to that conflict question. A conflict is worth resolving when both people are willing to fight to resolve it. Yeah i really think that's the answer because if someone half in half out with the with how they feel about the conflict than no. It's not going to get resolved. But i i feel the hesitancy because my boyfriend saint he is divorced and you said that was the worst experience he's ever been through and he never wants to go through that again but i also had to get on the same page with him in terms of what we're looking for a relationship and our values and one of them was we want to constantly push ourselves to be better so whenever we have a conflict we go back to our values and say does conflict help us get better and it does we push through it. I think it's also asking about. What are you scared of. I've never been scared of falling in love and they're scared of committing someone. I'm really scared of being someone that i don't wanna be. Yes yes and so. I think that that fear. Sometimes it's really powerful has nothing to do the other person right right but having gone through divorce where i was like. I didn't want to be in that marriage anymore. Yeah to me. Years to get out of the i saw healthy. I think in an older. Maybe something feel fast was more like what will they accept pass earlier. Maybe i feel like i someone like you though. Like seeing the red flags. You don't have compatible lifestyles that might make you say like i'm going to get out now opposed to someone else. That might not have that mentality that might be like. Oh maybe we can make it work or compromise. So maybe it's a personal thing. Yeah i think when you're young it's like it's or early. Release it do that. But i think now. It's almost like the more i've held true to what my needs are. And what my boundaries are in last year was willing to lie about my boundaries like compared to last night on the show and have that one person was treated me. And i think. I've done a lot better job having great boundaries and being a better communicator and just gotten happier every single time so i think this is the thing. The question of an is true. Yes wendy you work on something but when you also realize these are my boundaries healthy from me like one of the things that happened during quarantine for me. There's friendships i let go of because they weren't positive for me Ray that's a boundary thing is final thing. I don't want to work on it. She was like hey. This wasn't bringing me joy so maybe the takeaway here is that there is no right answer. Earns really up to you. Because i'm someone that tends to hang onto much. And i probably need to like let go a little in college. It is dangerous and it's kept me in relationships that have ultimately helped me back because they didn't work out right. So i think maybe the takeaway is knowing yourself in then like what is it. That is holding you back. What is it that is your fairly going. A layer deeper and then realizing like what is it that i need to tweak like if you're the type of person that isn't diving into anything then maybe you should be diving in fast if you're the person that's trying to let things go Unsure what you actually want. Maybe that's when it's time to compromise so getting to know yourself better guessing coming on yourself. Coming on debut podcast. We can tear you apart. Works or you can buy and join the sounding board to get this not on good morning but i think ultimately it's because we want to hear that happy ending story from you and i'm just it's just so every time i hear story from you. It's so close own. Yeah it's a good time. It's a very good sign.

01:15:00 - 01:20:04

And when i say happy ending i know meal liked ultimately marriage or like you know forever and you just yeah i know but just that feeling it's just like i don't want the story to end at and then we met in it didn't work out. That's not where i want it right. You don't want it to be a ninety minute buildup or not a ninety minute. A thirty minute built up for like two seconds. Sorry this exactly thirty six minutes of a story build up and exactly a minute and a half of explaining why didn't work out. I think there's something to what you're saying. He's learning to love is different than during the live with someone. Yeah or doing life do we. Life with someone that's different. It's not living. It's doing life with them so different so different okay. Well this has been fascinating. I've learned so much from this so hopefully others. I think just i'll do final takeaway is like i think people shouldn't be scared to go deeper on virtual but i do think like having realistic expectations to it is a little dangerous to be like. I'm falling in love with someone before we've even like there is a line of just being a little more realistic with it and it's it's okay again. Maybe it's knowing yourself like how you manage your own expectations but expectations are so important in ultimate happiness. Absolutely that's where we're all searching for is happiness optimizing our happiness. How do we get there. And sometimes addicted to things that make us happy in that ultimately. Don't make us happy either. So self-awareness seagal goes back to solve awareness and learning about ourselves. Better thank you so much for sharing your story and the second time and for hard out we really just i mean again like i said we really just want to hear this happy story from you and i think after this episode airs. We're going to get some emails. I'm pretty sure of it. We'll do some. We'll do some filtering on our end but we're your clubhouse private clubhouse right here we go again. Thank you in for anybody who has a similar story. I think the pandemic has spurred lots of interesting love stories. We love to have you as a guest on our show. If you've also been through turbo relationships that maybe are still in a terrible relationship that turned into a long term relationship. We love to hear that story as well. You can just give me the hints. No give us an on boarding dog turn a turbo relationship into a long term relationship. And if you have five seconds and your day if you can just go into apple podcasts and give us a rating five stars all comment here there. We love because that's our seventh. Lovling is apple podcasts. ratings views. Six seven face and seven is rubio's spacing israel. We're going to get in the dock figure real thing. We'll hit up john first-name name basis. Yeah i would think you would call that. I don't know i feel like you. Roll that up into something else. Like i think first time quality time yeah holiday time. It's yeah it's quality time away from each other anyways. Some of the same thing escape listeners. Ponder it and if anyone could think of a good name then let us know we're we're coining coining this new term relationships that are yes. Relationship center is going to be on our website tomorrow. So check it out. It's different than a fluffer is like setting someone up for a home run. Oh it's not even a home. You know whatever sports bald speak. Who knows what that anyways bridesmaid. Never ever know you're going to be a beautiful bride one day. Don't you worry. We'll wrap this up the usual way all the dateable. Podcast is part of the frolic. Podcast network find more podcasts. You'll love at frolic dot media slash podcast to continue the conversation. I follow us on instagram. Facebook and twitter with the handle at dateable. Podcast tag us in any post with the hashtag. Stay dateable and trust us. We look at all those posts then head over to our website dateable podcasts dot com there. You'll find all the episodes as well. As articles videos and our coaching service with vetted industry experts you can also find our premium y series where we dissect analyze an offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums roseau downloadable for free.

01:20:05 - 01:25:28

On spotify apple podcasts. Google play overcast. Stitcher radio and other podcasts. Platforms your feedback is valuable to us. So don't forget to leave us a review and motion. Hey i'm recording gear okay. I don't need to clap. Nope recording so much easier. This is like yeah. I don't know why we are using that pack for so long. Yes denial yep that. This is going to be forever somewhere once. I do hear that. i don't hear anything. what are you here. it's on my mic. Gets the headphones for some reason. Are being weird. Chords are yes. Straighten out your ear headphones. Hey go skies so funny. It's like such a random. Mike but so good it is but it's like it's like do you think that sounds good but yeah it sounds pretty damn good. It's just like such a weird setup. I mean i guess it's nice. It's super easy. Also get a dot touch on first class to much. I feel like that was probably not the best. Last week sped all the every. Kato very subjective. It is all right recording in three to o-o-on what's up everyone. Welcome to another episode of dateable. Show all about modern dating where we dig into the three wise. Why wise why do i think the way they do. And why people react the way they do when it comes to modern dating. This episode is all about turbovote relationships. I feel so yes relate to this during this time will. This term was invented during this time. So it's basically dislike fast-tracking. So i think there is a basic beam was just like a normal relationship. You know like month one. Maybe we go on a trip together but to. We beat our fred's the turbo relations. Just like nope. It'll happen to like a week. We're ready to go ready to say. I love you move in together. And that's basically what happened to our guests. Everything happened in one. Like no our conversation. No waiting around for people back. She's like let's go go this jam thing which is kind of nice right feel. I mean we've talked about this before that you know like one of the before monitoring monitoring's that people were kinda half in half out like this game of relationship chicken so you know like this one Or super excited to hear from our guests. Kevin he talks about just you know his month long kind of like virtual romance essentially and then he flew across the country to meet in real life. And what's interesting. Though about this one. We had our couple natalie josaia from the very start of season. Eleven if you remember from the time of tiktok yes. And i think they're still going strong. Which is amazing and they just similar scenario that they spent all this time face timing. He like flew across the country road trip. And then same with kevin here. I think though the difference was and i mean this is really just the reality right. It's like a fifty fifty shot. Dr dot order. Okay i think the reality though is it's a fifty fifty shot and i think what we talk about today is that the downside is that you can build up this false intimacy in. It's a little too much to sooner too fast too soon. I know like even when we heard in our facebook group.

01:25:28 - 01:26:14

But i thought this was fascinating one of our members dawn. She put up a comment about just like learning to our favourite master. Date date yourself. And she was saying that she. I mean she's engaged. She has children so it's not like she's not with someone but like her children sometimes aren't with her because there with her ex or like her Fiancee is working. So it's like there's always gonna be times in your life that you have to be alone. And i think this time of our lives and it's kind of ironic. That were rerunning. This episode now is that like we're kinda back into this potential quarantine period again. And i think this was like this was a lot of people's first time with alone time and i think it also propelled a lot of relationships like yours. I feel like.