S11E14: What's holding you back? w/ Nikki Novo

00:00:01 - 00:05:02

The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves.  I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world.

Hey everyone welcome to another episode of dateable a show all about modern dating where we investigate the why. Why why's of why people do and think the way they do. And why you do the things you do when it comes to modern dating thanks to all of you who joined our live stream able so far. The cell by so fast is only thirty minutes. We talked about Dating profile best practices people had some really great questions. Such as should you have pictures of you wearing your cova mask. Yeah yeah agree that you should not as a main photo or not in every photo but yes you show off that you take seriously. Yeah we it was. It was super fun. I think someone said it was like the facebook group on steroids because it was like everyone just commenting like crazy in the comments section. And yeah i just love the engagement. I feel like we've done facebook. Lives and instagram lies. Before but definitely more engagement and more like real time feedback on the so and we learned a thing or two. I think we learned that what what women complain most about on dating apps are almost exact. Same things as what the men. Oh complaining about you know what people put in their bio so if you did miss at livestream go on our facebook or youtube uploaded that very quick thirty minute video but it is all too really hype up. What's to come this week with kim hacks looking your best. We tease the dating profiles in there. But we're going to go like way way deeper in and you guys have been asking for at least the people in our facebook group if you're not in there yet definitely joined the love and the time is of corona group but people have been asking dating profile reviews for some time now and we definitely want people to give each other feedback in like think kimmy especially is so great at being like this photo paints even the best light where this one is not doing as much for you and it's not like you look bad. It's just like this isn't working hard enough for you and you could either replace this with a conversation starter or you could do something else. And i think it'd be really to do the smaller group sessions that we got planned. So have you join this event joining the sounding board. You've heard us talk about it for the last couple of weeks. It is an extension of her podcast and our community. You can join at dateable. Podcast dot com slash sounding board to read more about the different tiers. We offer such as we give you a monthly guided audio exercise as well as one coffee chats with julian. I and also live events so definitely re through the offerings because there are three different tiers for that middle tier people who sign up for live events plus all the other things Can you seltzer would be the next event coming up. Yeah and i think another shadow too is like even if you're in a relationship. Our group is very much mix so well we are going to have a dating apps. Be something that we look at. We're also going to be looking at just like how you show up in real life. You know like a lot of us have been wearing sweats for a date nights. Haven't been as hot as they used to be. So i think like. I know when i did my consult with kimmy like put on a dress real close for the first time i was like. Oh my god this skill so foreign so. I think there'll be something for everyone. It will make sure to like cater the breakout sessions based on where you're at and what you're the most interested in. Yes nobody gets left out knowing gets left behind and then the other piece to is. We've heard some people say like. Hey i'm not necessarily able to come on thursdays like i don't know if this is something i should join and i think what we wanna say. First of all you can always get the videos. You can't make it so totally. Get sometimes life comes up and there's other things notices the best thing out there right now but we get her stuff can happen and i think people have been really loving though the audio series that you just mentioning would keep hearing such great feedback of like hobbies like prompts questions are really making people like dig deeper and understand things that they might not have really like brought to the surface and we always say this like the key to the best dating life and love. Life is the inner work. And we're really here to help you. Were here to be your shirt us along the for love speaking of sherpas. I've been so cold recently. I don't know why share as remind me of this.

00:05:03 - 00:10:02

I'm just you look like a sherpa alive. Feel like one. I'm wearing a beanie right now. I've got a full sweat Shirt sweater on. I were wearing socks earlier. I was about to put on gloves. It's like fifty degrees. But i'm such a fricken baby now. I'm headed the reason why we're getting a little early this week. We usually do sundays. But we're doing friday. 'cause i'm actually leaving and heading back to the east coast to boston for a bit to visit family and stay with them for a little. And so it's gonna get a lot colder for me. This is like nothing but the brother was so kind at actually operated to first class which was amazing. He had so many points in. I think he was just like a little concerned with travel and stuff like me going to like our parents house and all the stuff that he upgraded to first class. So i essentially have like a pod that i can sleep in now on jetblue and i'm by myself a good brother i oh you weren't looking forward to the travel part of this year and now you can cause you're basically entering into a resort in the air. Well i still don't get the benefits of first classes first time flying first class. I wanna point this out a if you've done first class but this is my first time so i'm not really getting any of the benefits of all the food and drink and all the stuff that you know food at their knossos. Sharing your masks. The whole time oh shit guy and you do get a little bed you can sleep in so i'm just gonna like lounge. You'll still get alcohol. You'll still get all the alcohol you want. So because they're you're really not supposed to put through your mass like you'd have to take your mask off to drink so i don't think we are. You sure about that because every flight of been on they've served snacks and drinks and stuff and people need to take off their masks. Well i'll report back. I'm pretty sure. But i also haven't been on the flight yet and i know you've gone on a few flights so maybe i'm wrong. I'll admit that. I could be wrong here but i will report back next week on the in know. Everyone's going to be wildly interested to know this I'm sure like elbow last week. I thought it was hilarious that we had a super action packed episode with case kenny. About like all these mindset chefs in one of our members drew. Who's one of our hosts to. He liked posted. He's like okay. I think the whole dateable community wants to know like what does your date mask. Look like and. I'm like that's the one thing you took away from this episode. I love it so who knows someone out there by care about the chat flu experience. Oh that's what you're relating it to like stupid things that people care about people well care about this because a lot of people will be traveling for the holiday. You're doing long distance travel. Maybe you need to prepare a little snack for yourself or something. I'm yeah i'm definitely going to. But i also got like a face. Shield the ns. I've i'm ready. I got gloves. i'm just gonna be like full on. So yeah i agree. I was really dreading the flight. And now i'm kind of looking forward to it. Yeah you can take a nice nap and watch some movies the entire time. Oh i'm going to get my kindle like i've been you know i might actually start on our book club. We have now started a book club in the sounding board. Also so maybe. I'll get started on the book that we've chosen for this here. You go whole six hours of productivity on jacksonville. It's about to happen. You know So here's here's something you. I've told you this already julia susie get on the flight. You turn on the the air. Whatever air ventilator turn on benton joe worry. My mama's sent me every apps. Okay the sun make sure the air circulating and just make sure that you have your mask on when you need it to win. You aren't drinking or eating. Or i think there's a pretty limited people using the bathroom to on first class. I feel so. I just want to point out for people. This is by far the first time i've ever taken first class. I'm usually like economy saver. So yeah you're gonna love it just sleep the time you know why. I've always been so hesitant to do first class business business class. 'cause i know myself it's going to be hard to go back there. That's the thing right. And that's why you just gotta make friends in high places who have lots of points. Who will upgrade you a mike. Billy billy has so many points. He's always like when. Are you flying. Because i will upgrade you. He's well he doesn't have any points for this year and more so damned for next year. I won't be upgrading myself but thank you for all the previous times. Here's another hack not for airplanes not for anything productive. You can't see me very well right now because i because it's all blurred like light.

00:10:02 - 00:15:02

I'm losing light. But there's a new function on zoom. You can put makeup on yourself. i am. I'm wearing virtual lipstick right. Shut up yes. I had nothing on today. Did you wear that on the livestream. Or is that real. No that was real. And then today i was like oh getting ready for this recording. It's always such a daunting preparation experience. Because you know. I'm like in my pj's all day and then if we have to be somewhat presentable i was so lazy and then i was playing around on zoom. And there's these different filters and this is in beta. I guess it's like a studio filter beta feature but you can choose all types of lipstick so shielded. I can steal your lipstick. Anytime i want without actually putting it on this is game. Changing four dates people visit the way to do virtual dates from now on. I know i've always been the person that says. I don't send a zoom link but super do she just like here's a meeting linked but i might be starting to send people zoom links from now on makeup hell. Yeah you can do lipstick and you can do eyebrows but what happens if you know. How the virtual background like the second uber out against it. Look supernatural it does. I'm gonna tell you no idea. Okay guys this is. You heard it here. First this is the hack. This is the hack lucky your best. You'll get more hacks but this is one of them. Isn't that the best hack ever. I mean i just gotta say like. I'm so happy because i can be lazy now. You gotta bring this up on the event with kimmy. They well for sure. I tried on some eyebrows. They did not look very good burden. Looked really really good. So i'm like. I don't need my eyebrow person anymore. God that is creepy. Okay with dodd youtube. You gotta get over because you as eyebrows just grew by like twenty percent. I don't know a browser ever going to be a thing. But i know your doctor got virtual dates right now relationship but i would strongly suggest not having that luck you like my neon green. Rob's right i love this beaters so much i just got to say i love it i love it i love it so good. Faith i think my my learnings here is that you know there can be lazier. There's a good way to present yourself in. There's a way to present yourself with that as the lime green neon eyebrows. However if floats your boat go for it. Say the wrong way. I don't wanna say they're just you nice things up a little bit my goodness that actually could be because you need to like you. Can't oversaw yourself right link some thinking like when you go on a video day you show up with the green eyebrows that everyone's like oh you look so attractive to so you're starting you're saying start low. Yeah you can only go up from there only go up. So this is a teaser to our next month. Sounding-board guests logan yuri who we are so excited to have. She has a crowd. Favourite was science of dating one of our most popular episodes to date and she said something that stuck out for me. It's the last impression you leave. Right is how people remember you so if you start low but then you move high. They're going to remember the high and they're gonna remember like the jump feeling like this is all psychology. It's proven do not approve that message. I actually i would have said the opposite but it's all girls around. I think it's about playing around with your photos and your profiles. And sometimes maybe you just wanna look upload some wacky photo c. rematch with and then surprise them in real life like catfish the other way around eleven. So we brought that the would you rather should we share this week's question so the question is i love superpowers. I love any questions with superpowers so in a relationship or in dating. Would you rather have the super power of you being able to read other people's mind so your partners mind or have the person you're dating be able to read your mind What's your answer to this julie. You know i was gonna say the first one that rather read their mind but that could be super dangerous. I don't know if. I wanna know what. My partner was thinking all the time. But i also wouldn't want them to read mind much. Can i insert none none of the of the no. It's okay. I guess if i had to pick i guess i would prefer to read their by but no i think i'm gonna prefer them to read my mind because i okay. This is gonna go at this answer. I've thought this thorough. I'm kind of a sensitive person. And i think sometimes i interpret things in ways that they're not always meant to be in.

00:15:02 - 00:20:03

I would just start making rash generalizations. Last thought that was going through. Someone's mind i think sometimes ignorance is bliss and let it just like come out like what if they were okay. I know a lot of friends who are in super healthy relationships right now but the first couple months in the beginning and like i'm sure even time now like people do question things like they start to have doubts. And they're like. Should i be with this person like i would not want to hear all that like i want someone who's worked through that shit on their own and if it comes out the other side they really don't want to be with me then i'll address then but if they come through. They're like nope. This is the person for me. I don't need to know that they even had that. Yeah yeah so. I think that's exactly why i would choose to read their mind. So were choosing the other side. Only the same reason interest for the same reason. Because i know i have more control of how i interpret other people's thoughts but i have no control of how my partner could interpretation my. I understand that. I'm going to hear things and find out things that i will not love the fact that he could. He could look at me one day and be like she's really fucking annoying and i hear that but i'm but i'm ready to face that i don't want him to hear amigo. He's really fucking annoying. Because i don't know how sure a that so the reason. I chose the other because i i wear by expressions up my face anyways i think if i thought so it was so super. Fucking annoying traveling. No that's true. Yes so it depends on how good you are at lying. And i'm very good at lying kidding. Well you are in the minority. So eighty percent of people chose that they rather read their partners. Mind and twenty percent chose and they want their partner to read their mind. But everybody was kind of flip. Flopping you chew c. Which is none of the above. And i was like nope no gotta wasteland. Yeah tough tough one for sure yeah relationship. You shouldn't be able to read each other's minds because you just tell each other but if you but the question is if you had a superpower which one would you choose. Y'all you know. I love these woods. Always mind boggling. Also we are working on a. Would you rather book. That's for the holidays but also another big announcement arm. Merged store is live. yes you got. T shirts hoodies coffee mugs. It masks How could i forget mass. How have the year. Yeah we were talking about this to the the livestream. It's like if you need a conversation starter. Had i meet people in real life nowadays. It's really fucking harks. Wants to come near you but if you have a really cute mask that could be a condo starter absolutely and so we worked for a long time on the merge store. It's not something we just slapped together. It was like this will do. I think you will all find something super q in there that you'll want for yourself or for your friends. Okay up to sing. check it out. We tried to use some of the funnier dateable sayings or episode titles in some of them. So yeah they're all dateable original so hopefully can rock your dateable gear. But if we're anybody expecting us to slap our faces on amass goatee shirt. Sorry not emerge. Looks like right now but you can certainly request it. Yep we also did it. Make them heavily branded on purpose. Like we don't want you to be like you know rocking the abercrombie sweatshirt you know trump talking about like has branded switcher the gaps. What i mean. That was a tread for a little but not current day and so it's very subtle. I mean there is a sta- dateable one but it's not like dateable podcast branding all over the place. It's classy classy so definitely good our website. We are giving away free dateable tattoos if you let julian. I do the okay anybody. That's few joined the sounding board at the thousand dollar level. Just kidding there is it would add. Maybe we should make. But all i guess. In seriousness sounding board members do get discounts to the merck store. So you're looking for another reason to be a sounding board member that you got it. Ooh yes yes. Let's shift gears for a quick sec because we always like to spend some time promoting other podcasts. We like especially in our frolic network. So the one podcast we want to promote this week is called a wo- man like h. Oh whoa man's a weekly podcast. All about romance novels and ourselves so the two hosts on earth the weirdest bits and the sexiest parts of a romance novel each week. It's like listening to two people you want to be friends with talking about cool stuff like orgasms and what it means to be a human under late capital.

00:20:03 - 00:25:14

Come join the party and get in the fun. it's called. Whoa man's weekly podcast. Love it love it so fun. Then we've been also trying out this new tool on. That's really cool for podcasts So do you ever find that when you're listening to a riveting podcasts such as ours that you wanna revisit certain sections or even wanna take notes. Yup i've certainly kept a list of timestamps of some of our previous episodes. So i can really listen to these parts over and over again and now with a big cast app. You can streamline that whole process simply put you can clip sections of podcast episode right in the app in a saves your account and with each clip. You can add your own notes so you can recall why you save that clip. So i recently did this with our interview. With case kenny. About shifting your mindset after you ghosted so i save that clip within the big cast app and i was able to share that clip right away on social media and a widsom friends who really needed to hear this so in addition to all of this i think big cast is also a great discovery platform where you can listen to clips of podcasts. Think of it as like sampling before you subscribe. Try it out share with us any clips. You saved from our show because we're super curious to see what you found interesting. Just download the app in the app. Sorts free it's spelled. It a s t a great idea. So this week's episode. I have been so excited to release this episode nikki. Novo so we're doing you know like what's been holding you back in dating like that's the million dollar question and you and i both we found nicky came to us. Actually i think she reached out to us. And i remember having like a screen and call and i was just like we need to have her on the podcast. Like she's going to be so amazing she wrote. This book called the final. Swipe that definitely highly recommend we were actually also on her podcasts. The final swipe podcast and she is a medium and she did readings for you a. And i so. Have you ever done a reading like this you a because this was my first time. Never mind blown. I told so many friends about it. Oh be to. Every friend was like i need to do this. It's basically a clarity reading. She will like assess kind of what's been holding you back and where you're going in the future. I wanna know both of those questions. So you'll get a little sneak in actually did some clips from our reading and we did wanna make it though like while it does focus on ourselves in the sense of like our reading. Clips is general enough to the types of things that are holding most people back when it comes to dating and relationships. So you'll probably see some of your own stuff pop up throughout this. That's right when we did our readings. Julie did hers. I did my. I think a few months after right it was quite a bit of time after. Yeah because i think. If i i was like oh i'm still single. I should be the one that gets the reading. When we then realized like no things could be holding you back no matter your relationship status. It really has nothing to do with that at all. So then i think there was like some time between the recording and then her travel schedule in your travel schedule but yes you ended up doing a little bit later than me so i already kind of knew what to expect. Julie told me about her experience. But i had no idea how much i needed this and the reason why i thought i needed this afterwards. Was you get to a point in your life. Whether you're in a relationship were not. You're just looking for some sort of guidance. And it's like guidance from your friends your family your like looking for this third party person who will look at your life holistically and just say you're on the right path or you're not on the right path and i just needed that. I need to hear that. I actually think it's super interesting. This episode because you and i do come from totally different places. Because i actually. When i did the reading. I had just broken up with my ex to and i was thinking about. I'm like if i had done the reading a month earlier. I think it would have been totally different. Because i would have gone in trying to be like. Is this the right relationship for me. And my like you know wasting my time in my like progressing all these things and i think you went in with that agenda a little more like i'm on a path in my on the right path where i'm kind of like i'm not sure what pathum on right now like just open you know so i think if you're super duper single or you're in a really fully committed relationship. I think you're going to get something out of this. Okay so we just get to it. I think let's get you. It has so much good stuff to say. Here's nikki novo. Feeling a little bit stuck is the name of the game of this episode. I think we can all relate to this feeling of. Don't know whether it's like your personal life or your professional life just feeling something stopping me blocking me preventing me from moving forward even people who have figured out probably feel stuck right so our guests for today is the woman to help us get unstuck.

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Her name's nicky novo. She's thirty eight years old. she lives in miami. She's been there on an offer thirty years or originally from new jersey after her parents left cuba and she's married now. She's an intuitive dating guide. Who teaches people. How to date intuitively and find their energetic blocks and she's also the author of the final. Swipe heal your heart. Find your person and end the dating search for good. She also has a podcast called the final. Swipe which we were on to. Hi nikki how are you. Hickey i ladies thank you so much for having me. Thank you for helping us. Fine clarity's julian. Hi both clear. Did clarity readings nikki individually to find out what's holding us back and what if we're on the path that were meant to be on but let's start let's that acworth like how did you get into this field. Good question I was actually an editor for many years I worked well. I i worked in the film industry. Sorry studied publicity. Networks at lionsgate and fox searchlight and the night decided. I wanted to be a writer Moves back to miami from la. And i started just writing a different publications but during that process of course like any good story i had i thought it was gonna get married and like the sky just totally dumped me in like broke my heart and i was so confused and you know i just feel like at that point in your life you either like go seek out a therapist maybe you take some drugs or you go see a psychic though. I was like goes see a psychic At i went to this woman at my friends. And i we were like on this hunt for like a good psychic and we went this woman who basically will. The first woman told me that. I was never going to be happy unless i was with this boyfriend of mine. Who eljay getting out of there and crying and be like. Oh my god. How did you do that too. Especially when we're seeking clarity about that person you're like nope. this is forever right. I think at the end of she and for four hundred and fifty dollars. I can hear that out for you. You're like ow. that's how this this is so awful. That was really funny. My friends like still feel bad about that story. Fight like they. They were the ones that took me to the psychic. But then after that i didn't give up a we went to somebody else. She actually predicted my husband. Like two and a half years. Before i even met him just so spot on and i was so fascinated by her gift and i guess that's probably i mean. I'm sure that that was probably a sign. That i had something like that in me because i don maybe not. Everybody is fascinated the way that i was like. I was so fascinated. I had so many questions about how she was doing what she was doing. And that was the beginning of like my spiritual awakening. I so it was like you know this editor during the day like doing fashion and beauty Working like for big publications and then at night. I was studying. All these like weird. Like wizard like metaphysical stuff. And i just kind of like don brought down this rabbit hole like studying regi and i studied Hypnotherapy and i was sitting all these things for my own self healing like i never in my wildest dreams thought for work so that was in two thousand eight and then the blogging world was exploding at the time and actually that boyfriend i dated was he started a blog for me and then he broke up with me. Two weeks later And i was like stuck with this blog and now it's like well i guess you know i'm gonna take this blog and i'm going to write about. I'm going to go on a bunch dates than i'm gonna write about it and then obviously he's gonna want to get back to my god. I feel so jealous that i ultimate revenge and my mind. Very theatrical mind is like a really good plan and of course like what ended up happening with that. I would spoiler alert. He did not give three shit about my aiding escapades and tween that self healing that i was doing and the d- eating i just really started to like find myself. I really was just going into this. Accelerate healing self exploration plays. I was writing about it and people you know. My blog just ended up getting popular at the time and that was a moment. I realized that like it's such a spiritual experience like truly as a sacred time And there's so much to learn and be aware of about ourselves about about. Do the thing that we do and i thought it was just such a good teaching moment so like even people of course we're interested in my journey and ultimately met my husband we got married and i just found it to be like once. I really got into like personal development and spirituality. Like i was just like no turning back like i just wanted to continue to do that and i just found it to be like a good place to start helping people and as i was studying.

00:30:01 - 00:35:05

All these things like. That's when like all these senses started opening up. And i was like on top of that top of just journey. I was like you know hearing dead people and like spirit guides for showing up. And like all these i started to see energy and all these things that never. I was never that child that you know like predicted that my grandma was going to pass away or anything like that. It was truly like an interest that really brought me. I was so curious that i ended up studying. And the studying is actually what what opens it up off for me and then at some point there was just like no turning back like i loved it so much and people were coming to me and i was like bhai accident reading them and it was kind highway. It's like they were coming in to like get some advice. He's kind of like when you think you're just going for saks. And then like a guy sticks up your but you're like whoa. I think that would that like you did not want that. That's kinda would show up and the novelist. And i would read them and they're like oh you know there was so confusing and i was like okay. Nikki like you have to start coming out but you have to kind of start explaining what you're doing. I think you bring up an interesting point though is like everyone wants the answers right like we're also future focused and i think that's why like a lot of people seek like i know that was something that was very interesting to you and i will. We went into the reading with you. What will be in the future like. Why do you think that we feel like this discontent with just letting things right out versus wanting to know the answers you know. I kind of think that as we evolve as a species like i. I think it's the same way like back in the day when you out to dinner and there was no phone and there was no google. Like you'd have an argument and you just kind of leave it at that but now it's like we have an argument with a friend and we're trying to prove our point and we can get on our phone we can google it and like prove them that we have those resources and i think that we just like now have. We're starting to understand that like. Oh there's this resource if there's like this ability to actually like figure out what's going to happen in the future like i want in on that so it's like it's nicic. Actually they more available to us. I feel like so. I think we're just always trying to hack and like trying to get farther and farther and joined his the so i think that You know if it's available like why why not and everybody has had. I think you know. Most people have had an experience where they do get a prediction and were an it's true and a lot of that could be self manifestation too. I mean if you what your life will be in ten years might live your today much differently. So it's actually something that we've been talking about on our facebook group with. Would you rather that we posed recently. But it's kind of like why can't we accept like why can't we just live our lives thinking that our life will be a certain way in the future. Why do we need someone to tell us what it'll be like. Yeah i mean totally. And i think it's just you know it's nice to get that outside like somebody who doesn't know what's going on in your life and that has no skin in the game basically and that is able to tell you like an at least give you a little bit of like some crumbs that make you feel like okay. That's like legit so you can trust. I always say that. Having the we. At least the way that i do readings my hope is that you're having an experience like with your with your soul. You know that you're having an experience with the divine and it's like you know all of us. I think even if we don't believe in a way we almost like want god to like whisper in our ears some time and just be like it's going to be okay if we have we can have. We do have access to our soul. We do have access that information. You can absolutely do it on your own like if you can like. Why wouldn't you. I think it also comes down to this feeling of wanting to control the future. And i feel like a lot of us feel like love is the one area of our lives that we just can't control like work. We can control all the stuff but you feel differently. You feel like you can manifest love. Can you tell us a little more about that. Yeah i was. Just i just had a client and we were talking a little bit about that. Okay so definitely. Yes i mean. We're all afraid of the unknown which is why during the time that we're filming like twenty twenty has been so hard because there is so much unknown and that truly is at the end of the day. What makes us nervous because we exist in a world where we think we have control over things But we don't really have control as we are learning. So i think that once we realise how human we are makes it a little nervous but when it comes for dating so a few things which gets a little tricky but some people that are that really wanna go down the rabbit hole. Their first question is like well. What if i am doing all the stating stuff and it's actually not in the cards for me railing. What needs to if. I truly believe in fate and destiny. What if it's not in my feet and my destiny ray. It's almost like if i if i believe in reading also kind of have to believe in fate and destiny. You can't really you not believe in wine. So that's usually like a question and it's true. There are some people who are like destined to not be in relationship. What would i have found in Working with so many people in doing the readings is that when people have a very strong desire for something it ends up like being in their path like and even something that we do that we keep hitting our head up against the long run.

00:35:05 - 00:40:00

My gosh i'm insane. Why keep doing this thing. And is because it's actually like in their path at some point if it wasn't you just you wouldn't have kept following it so i have never really found anybody who has at desire and like keeps doing it and not do it like in a way like you know that. It's not meant for them so they have. We first have to understand like that if we desire something that way and that we really feel called to it we have to trust at. That's like inner path. That's the first step you have to trust that. It's like four you. You know that it's therefore you and then secondly like once you know that then you have to be like okay. This is like my my path my destiny. I need to walk that path and not get in my own way and we have to look at like what actually gets in our own way. And that's that's the trick like the blocks the things that that it's the beliefs. It's the things that you know the things that were hiding from ourselves or the ways of thinking that are off or the lack of integrity you know simply say we want something but our actions are totally different than that where you get to like. Have a little bit more control when you start to like self hack yourself and you actually go deep then you move all that stuff around out of the way and like the path is easy to walk. is manifesting in its. I'm living into my path. Does that toy make sense. Because i feel like fair to is what gets in most people's way in then i know just like from personal experience with friends and stuff like that have settled down and met their person. It's like usually when they're in a really good space and at least for me too. It's like when things have played in every other area of your life is like you're feeling good about yourself and i think it's so important to making sure that you're on that path visually. This is what i almost feel like. I'm in a video game with life sometimes and you hit and if when you're when you do hit a wall i think my first knee jerk reaction is to be mad at the wall. Advise as well here why did i. How did i get stuck here. Can i go around the wall. Is there another route in the night. Kind of simmer there. And i think that's what being stuck for me needs being stuck in front of a wall not seeing what's beyond it but it what you're saying is really brings so much freedom to the way we can approach life which is beyond the wall. There's more for you. You just have to be patient at knocking down this wall. And that's i mean like visually. I find that really helpful to think about two. And that's the fear part to vally like can't lead with fear you lead with you get stuck at the wall use of usetim So well in your book. I love it that we've lead with fair instead of leading with love when it comes to dating and relationships like why do you think we do this because that is certainly always talk about it. In our podcast. It's people are in this game of new versus. You opposed to building a relationship together. Like why do you think that is kind of our default mode in this game. I have a lot of thoughts about this number one. I mean we. We are gr- we grow up with a lot of fear. Fear based ideas. Like if you if you don't study you're going to you know you're gonna get an f. if you've got enough i'm gonna take this away from you so like we train ourselves like as children. You know that like everything is going to be taken away. If we don't do the thing that we're supposed to do so that's like number one but also i actually read some people that like talk about the history of dating. They go deeper into it. And there is some like actually berry human parts of especially women that there's been times in our lineage that there has been less men than women. You know that there's men have gone to war like forever but this is the first time that we're like kind of what's it called. You know where we're not like killing each other as much. I mean we are in different ways but for many many generations like you know there has been tribes and the men would go out and fight in the women would save behind. So that's actually like ridden in our dna in many ways. I fear of not having enough of there not being enough people and then men also have the opposite. Where you know. They're they're used to an abundance so we're talking about like those kind of that. Typical like male female relationship so there is actually something that's in our body also like it's just in our blood basically like in our dna from many many generations of having lack so we're learning to we have to work passer animal instincts for sure Yeah that's that's interesting thing about. It's almost like in our dna. And i feel like. I'm very excited for modern dating right now because i think we are rewriting that dna. We no longer xenos traditional gender roles. And how can we can navigate around. Why modern dany so fascinating right now because we're rewriting history share in some way behind like beyond that like animal instinct so we're used to like just and thinking that there's there's not enough where we're used to think well you know we also don't know how to trust life like we like how we started. The conversation were words.

00:40:00 - 00:45:00

So afraid of like trusting. That things are going to be okay. We're we just really live in this idea. That like we control everything like which we don't and that distrust actually league causes all the self sabotaging we literally act. I see people like acting different when they date. Because they think they're going to lose a person and that is so unattractive lexi. You're not sexy. None of us are sexy when we like. Are you know what were the words that we use a clingy and like all those things and it's because we're afraid of losing something or something. Yeah it's all coming from fair at the end of the day so once someone finds some sort of clarity with you at the only thing we i always say the only thing we have control of our mindset that nothing else we can control so what is something that people can do to change their mindset. What's like the first step i used to. I studied mindset. I i was kind of like my intro into this work. But i found that you know. It's beyond mindset but like actually like integrating into the body because we like our body actually has a lot of fear is actually like held in the body more than it's in the head most of the time it's it's kind of the chicken or the egg like is the body feels it in the mind reactors the mind that believes it. And then the body reacts. But i do you know. Try to kind of look at the whole mind body connection but the first the first step is just like it's kind of like you're an addict the first step of just being like okay like there's some healing that needs to happen like i'm human and i have to admit that there is like healing. It's not that i need to get better. It's not that. I need to be better. It's not that. I need to be more perfect or more this or that. It's just that there are traumas big and small like stuck in me that are keeping me for from something that is my birthright. You know love and connection It's available for all of us that truly is but there's something in my energy that makes me feel like not worthy of air that makes me feel stuck from it so i i have to start with the idea that that like that that true and a half do and i really do feel like once we agreed at. There's so many different ways to like. He'll these things like some of it. Is you read a good mindset book and like it clicks times girl that goes to yoga and like has this awakening some people do Oscar psychedelics and they have some sort of there's so many different paths to healing. But one thing that we do know about the universe is like you put something out and you're gonna receive feedback so like if i put out this idea that like i need some solutions for my healing. You're going to start to attract things that are right for you because what's right for my healing may be very different for yours but it's idea that we live in this world where there's so many resources and there's so many people that are experts in these things like we just need to say like any so. Let's get into how you healed you. A and i said yes i feel totally yields but yeah we did readings. That will go into anyone here. That's interested in what nikki predicted for. You and i also what was holding us back. We really wanna talk about that because a lot of the stuff that you found for the two of us was different but i think a lot of our listeners can relate to because they're very common throughout but before we go into our our own scenarios. Can you tell us a little more about just like your hope practice. What you do. More of the methodology. Ken how that works. So we face when you talk about blocks what you're referring to is their energy blocks so one of so. I studied ricky which is You know it's healing shot like it's working through the shocker centers. But when i studied it would happen to me was that i started like seeing energy and i actually learned Read energy. it's you're supposed to like. Use your hands and of sense but what happened. Is that like. I started to close my eyes and i could see people's energy and i for some reason like i can't even explain how do but i can read it and actually i have. I teach people how to read energy. So that i have a program right teach people so anybody can learn how to do it if it colors that you see nikki. Yes he colors. I see shadows. And it's like you're in your third. I like close my eyes. And then i can and you guys know i don't i don't i don't see people on the phone. I'm just talking to you on the phone. And i like see your energy comes forward to me and then i close my eyes and i can see like it's it's the presents the most strange thing ever but i can see the shock runs like the different colors and i'll see you know smaller. They're big or there's a shadow or something and based off of that i receive. I can read them like if they were look. And when i read them. That's where i find the blocks because the the centers are energy center is there like there's our energy flows if our energies not like flowing in the way that like our life is supposed to be moving. The shockers will be blocked so the shockers almost like talk to me. And they're like this is what's not working so that's how i pulled that information so for anyone that's like a one. Oh one can you kind of explain. What a shocker is. And then some of these colors very curious what. The caller is art. So shock rose So we have a lot of shock. Risen our body.

00:45:00 - 00:50:01

But if if you've ever been to like a yoga class or maybe you've done like Just any sort of holistic medicine. You've probably seen the little like figures. Somebody meditating and there's these colors like not the sign like at center of us. Dozer shock rose their their energy centers. Basically like we are energy. These are like little wheels that make sure that the kind of you almost imagine them like our. Ac ducks like they they. Just there's like a duck and that is like you know that stuck like the rest of the flow is you're going to have good a ac rate so like the idea that these shock roads are working well that it's flowing they each one represents something different in our life so there's a top one. That represents like our spirituality. There's obviously there's art shawcross which is like love so they actually represents something and this is fascinating how much information you can get from it. It's crazy so i gotta ask this. Because i'm sure people are wondering have you ever had someone that you've worked with. That is like did not like their path. You basically predicted before. Yeah no i mean so. There's people that yes. There are people. And i think any of who have been to psychics. I know that when. I went to that for psychic that i was telling you about. I wanted her to tell me that my boyfriend was gonna come back. We were gonna okay or that. I was gonna marry a doctor. Jewish clearly and that i was going to win the lotto the next day and You know a good reading is somebody that shows you how to walk that path. And what are the paths available to you. We always have several pats and not somebody who's going to make you feel you know that you're gonna get what you want at the end of the day so guess i've definitely typically people who are attracted to me like no my my style so they know that i'm not gonna just like you know. Blow smoke up there butts or whatever that goes with any sort of coaching business. Not ready to receive information. They just want to hear what they want to hear. They don't hear them. They get mad or have the sad outcome in. Yeah i felt after by in that it was so dead on. And i think part of it was. I didn't go in within the expectations in the first place like it was more just because we are doing this podcast and then also just to see you know we're the path was the blockage. I read your book before. And i think like what you've said about just getting in your own way and so much of what's holding you back so i'm happy to share. Maybe we can just kick off. Yeah julie since you did the reading. I you should walk our listeners k. Through what your experience with was with nicky from the very beginning like what was the coordination process and then like what did you do and what it gets. People are very curious. I mean we went on basically what nikki alluded to is that we went on uber conference line. And i think i was like. Oh my god. I ever asking you. Can you do this just over here. Like i was so blown away by it but you explain the whole process of how you have meditated before it. It wasn't just like i'm here now in doing this but yeah no i think i was like i definitely am a believer in spirituality. Like i'd say deep in spirituality like all pass lives and all of that. But i do believe in the universe. I do believe in having a path in life in setting your own path so i was excited to do the reading. I thought it would be really interesting. I never really done anything like this like i did. I got i did like i feel like it was so bad. It was tahoe like we found. This can't cut psychic next to like jilava shop and like all by friends like one of them went in and she's like this was mind blowing so we all started to go in the end like what is happening right now. One hundred fifty dollars right exactly. We're like this really like a reputable place. We just stumbled next because we wanted ice cream. This yeah i mean honestly. I enjoyed it. I think like what came out to for that one with sometimes we can interpret things the way that we want to interpret like. I mean that one was also very short. I feel like that was like ten minutes or fifteen minutes with you is like i think we were talking for like an hour. The fifteen like it was a pretty long session and I think like we started off. We talked about. Just what was holding me back. I think that was like a big piece of it. And i think that's what a lot of people wanna know if they're not in the spotlight. I think it's interesting that we're gonna talk about my experience anyways. We're both in different stages right now like i'm single. Us in a relationship but with both scenarios. You always kinda wanna know what's next. So i'm like i think that's important. And here's a clip from nikki.

00:50:01 - 00:55:15

About how my ex has been holding me back. Most importantly like understanding that what keeps you connected is the fear of not having him around so like we kind of want to release that fear also know that. There's so many lifetime stoop to be with each other that his soul and spirit is always with you You're like releasing each other so that this lifetime can have a happy ending. It's weird. it's lame but it's That the attachment comes from a fear of losing of being afraid of the person won't be there so if we remove the fear of the press. Not being there. Do you do you guys really want to be with each other. You can actually really see that. It's just not the right match this lifetime at this time but fear kind of creates a fog. Would if it's almost like i'm grateful experienced grief like that to see you again light. I am okay with the expiration date like you had beautiful experience but if you keep going longer like we spoil the experience like you. It's spoil the milk. He has a very he has a different path to. I don't know i a. I kind of feel like he's not even supposed to be in. Relationship is my sense or to the level of commitment that like you know is in your path. He's always going to be in your life. Which is not weird for you to you. Know to like have a new relationship. He doesn't keep you from other relationships by any means it's more just like it's kind of. It's not so much that he is like. Oh my gosh holding this piece in your heart and doesn't allow you today. That's not what it is. It's more the temptation. it's really that. Fear the temptation to try to work on it again is what keeps like. What is what's the worst part. So it's a he's in your life because some people like i'll see that that relationship is kinda like pulling the other person's energy in like that's with you know it's holding like a piece of you you don't have that years as more just like it's more. It's the brain like trying to complete the task. Basically but i think even just like having it in your head that like this is not my person an person that just that knowing and even just a conversation like we are not each other's people and he is not that he doesn't have a person it's just that He's not gonna do a traditional commitment by any means and if he is committed to be much older. I'm not super concerned about like you guys being to there's life it's more just a kind of maybe setting a few boundaries and and really like your mind like working on the mindset about using this relationship is will alleviate some of like the impulse basically the guy. I think a lot of people are held back by that gold standard that person that saw them in a certain way. That didn't work out with like. Why do you think that we do get some fixated on this in like how do we break through from leeann. You're not going to like my answer and my answer but So i if i remember correctly. You guys were soulmates. Like you guys had a soulmate relationship. We talked about that. I don't expect everybody to believe in past lives but if you're interested there's lots of material on it we you know. There's just some people that we connect to that were like. I know this person you know. I've done this before i've i've seen this. There's just why. Why is it that. I can have more deaths with this person than i might have had dept with like my boyfriend who i was dating for five years. I had that relationship. I remember and as long term waiver like six years and got over him in like six minutes when we broke up and then had like a boyfriend of one year. That took me six years to get over ratings and A lot of that comes you know truly in maybe not the answer but it does come from these soulmate connections which just to clarify. The two of you can be soulmates. Right like you could have been you know. Brothers sisters in a past live for mother daughter in past life so we. It's not just romantic. Just basically sold that. We have lived other lifetimes widths. So not to think that. Like if you lost soulmate. You're not gonna find another soul mate that that's the real definition of a soulmate is a soul. That have lived with before dat definitely like shows up. And i and i just think i'm sure there's a medical explanation to but i would imagine that at some point you know you just lie. Feels lonely you know and like there's not too many people that understand this and when we find somebody who really understands us it just it's different. It's just a feeling that is almost like addictive and you know it takes time to to let somebody see us that way and just sometimes. There's some people that make that process easier for us. They hold space for us to be able to to allow ourselves to show ourselves astor and then we connect if we could bottle up that formula like it would be a different scenario but there truly are just people that make space for us to be ourselves and there's something about the way they love and the the way that they but that doesn't always mean that they're meant to be a romantic partner.

00:55:15 - 01:00:05

That's what's hard. And i think that's exactly what has happened in my situation is that i've had other boyfriends in the past outside of him but no one that i felt lake saw me the way that he did. I think you said that too is like what's holding me. Back is like really allowing people to see me and for whatever reason he made it easy and it just kind of work that way. And i do think like for years like even i mean like after the year that we broke up like i was in therapy like i was not dating really like it was a very difficult and i mean. I'm glad long-term that. I did it. Because i think it's made me the person i am today but i think for a while i still had in my head. That like he was it like it was just like i needed to wait till he figured stuff out and like wait till like he got his own stuff in order like it was just like the way that my mind went in. I think what something you said. That was interesting because when we finally broke up after this time. We both kind of made this pact of like. We're not gonna talk again. Like i don't even know if i told you this. You a like ask for your number. 'cause he was like how the still stay connected in some way but like we have and i was like i don't think that's the best idea no but anyways like i think like we have this very much like this it because we've been doing this back and forth for so long in. You actually said something super interesting to me. There are reading that you actually saw him in my life and it wasn't like i needed to be so black and white with it. I just need to change the way. I thought about it. That he wasn't the person for me. And if i was able to do that in disconnect from it then it could be someone i still had in my life and i actually think by even talking to like. I have talked to him since. And i've made that mental change in that shift and it really has gone a long way. 'cause i think that really is so much of it. I gotta say that's huge. Because when julie told me that it's i think we often think about getting readings as something like you get a definitive reading of some sort like this person's not going to be in your life or this person going to be the person but the way you did this reading with julia was basically like he's gonna be in your life because that's out of your control the how you perceive them and treat him and see him is in your control and that. I thought that was mind blowing really helpful to hear that. That's beautiful first of all you're open to that. And that were able to receive the shift. So congratulations to you by So so a few things when we need somebody that we feel seen and we know. And you know it's like oh. I know you done this before. You know there's this connection when we feel that usually which what registered in her head that like. Oh this is this is it. this is like love. This is my person who i'm supposed to be with. So of course the brain then creates like a future. You know it has the schiphol future vision with this person and it's very hard to break even when you break up like the brain still still has that path so at some point like the brain has to like break it down and have something else to go to because if breaks down that path and there's nowhere else to go like in co called a lot of trauma so i think in that moment you were able to just be like oh i can break this path of us being together. I don't need that future path anymore. I can break that down. And i can actually now. There's this other that was written for you. You know not ridden for you. But it was like an outline right. And that's what major your brain. Also you know. Be able to see that the like we also see that in Few things when we meet a soulmate doesn't mean we're supposed to be with them forever. Something important for us to know And then also we call that energetic cords so you guys had like an energetic dependency on gender and we had to like release energy dependency so that you can both grow 'cause a lot of the times when you're explaining you're like well i and we've all i mean i had that situations like my ex boyfriend. He just needs to get his stuff together and we'll be back right but the truth is like the only way to really really do that. Is you have to break the cord. I and you have to think like you okay. We're not supposed to be together or rule we don't have a future and then that creates space for that person to actually grow grow up or row into what they're supposed to be and if there's any chance of us getting back together we i have to break the cord. Yes so that these things are not sucking off of each other and that they learn to grow on their own and then leave it up to fate or whatever to see if you're but if we're kind of still not place it's it's impossible. Yeah and i think too. It's like if you think that this is what i dealt with for like anyone wanna say like a couple years. He was like in and out of my life. It's like i was dating other people but like there's this mindset that he's still there and as long as someone's occupying matt mindset.

01:00:05 - 01:05:02

It's really hard to like. Move forward and the one time that i was actually able to move forward was when i really need that. Like cord cut. And that's when. I did meet someone else so i do really believe it's possible and i think like just hearing that and kind of talking through with you is really important but i think the part that i also thought was interesting. I never thought about was not being fully seen. And i think like with him too he was definitely someone that was like a very good communicator. He was able to bring that stuff out. I think i've gotten better over the years partially because of this podcast but in general that was never i was always like kind of like holding things in for a long time so i thought that was a really interesting point. I think a lot of us do struggle with that. Even if we're like you know we're out and about doing all the stuff that's like really being seen who you are. Sometimes there's a lot of like fear with that because that's when rejection really stings too early end we. I have to look at that. Was the purpose of that relationship. Yearling would again that he gave you you know. And that's the purpose of soulmate connections. We come together. We're like hey we're going to do this work together. You're gonna struggle with this thing. But i'm gonna come in and i'm going to propel you forward so first of all. That's like you know why he came there. And it's cracking open of the heart. We think like our hearts breaking apart but there was actually like such a cracking open for you relationship which made you open for the person that that actually was. Gonna you know Be there with you long term reciprocate or you know just gives you that that launches you into what truly is like for you. So there's this meaning all these relationships it's beautiful. I think like the next card. I'll get to is hearing that. You're like you're going to beat your person. This berthier at a like yeah. How will do tear clip from that and also because your purpose has experiencing and observing and exploring like you have that tendency to watch something happen like watch people fall in love for like a long time before you jump in you. Don't even knowing that lake union understanding that you're right on time you know that you're you're not behind. You're perfectly on time. Considering how much watching time you needed. It's important to know that there's nothing wrong with your process or where you're on your your age or anything that it has a lot to do with the fact you watch like humans drives and then you do the thing your souls a little bit more of like a younger soul like not a super old heavy baggage stuff. So which is nice. It's refreshing and your soul. Came deciphering like it wanted to explore. Earth basically wanted to experience all the things. So we're gonna see you experience things where know partnership and children of something you wanna do like just a lot of like experimenting. Let me see what gets you because you're so close like i really do feel that on. You know you're gonna find your person this This birthday year this thirty seven. There's these last little tweaks lake of really showing up as your full self like what we just talked about. That is gonna make you like a perfect fit for the four year. Right fits you're gonna attract from a better place also so there's nothing i don't wanna feel like you're hitting your head against the wall because that's kind of where your mindset is going on but it's just it's it's timing it has a lot to do with like the divine timing of your path. There's a possibility to get to a place where you feel exhausted within the next few months but to make sure that doesn't happen It's more about coming to peace with your path. Just being like i am. I am on time. You didn't hold onto your your expert for too long like you're not you're not damaging your path by any means but once you let go of that like you know it's it's kind of like when you let go of lincoln addiction you know there's a there's a withdrawal period and that withdraw period like makes us think all sorts of crazy things so my son. Is that like as you search. You really samat like this is not right for me. You are like kind of at risk to fall into these thoughts. I'm just like i just want to have the conversation. So that when you see that come up that you you're going to do to combat that is to remind yourself that you are like on path and everything has been working out. You know that you've done a good job. You're you're basically just. They're even letting go of. This relationship is a big In a different way before this is like an a very different way and this is a very this is this is the end and the beginning so this is the end of something and the beat and the new beginning of a new face. But it's interesting. Because i think it has mentally shifted the way i'm approaching dating in love right now in. We actually had another pass guest.

01:05:02 - 01:10:24

That wasn't a spiritual but she was more all about. Positively amy spencer. Meeting your half orange. She wrote that book we had her on and she had this whole thing. If you think you're gonna meet this person like you know it. It's not even like you think it's foreshore going to happen. You would live every day just a little happier not with as much worry not with as much fair you do the things you wanna to be doing not necessarily like going to singles mixers because you feel like desperation that you need to find that person so i think that has really helped shift my mindset in. You also warned me that i could end up becoming jaded because i've been doing this for a while. You know. I feel like. I know what i'm looking for like why aren't they showing up type of thing and you also told me that i might go through a period where i'm like dating a lot but i'm quickly realizing it's not a fit and i've actually seen that happen recently that i've been going on like a lot of you know these video calls which is actually the perfect time for this to like skip three people. But i don't mean it like in a disposable. A you know what i mean and i think it's helped me stay positive. This isn't like oh another person that didn't work out. This is just part of the course. Like this is what i need to go through to get to where i need to be hundred percent we have to have these contractions in these expansions in order to fully get to like we are so i asked the universe for a boyfriend or girlfriend and they haven't come but the plant this in front of you and it's like well that's actually like one of the things that craxi open to be energetic match for like what is for you so it's hard to know there's a bunch of conversation but i mean what you're doing is perfection and what you're explaining is perfection and you said it to remember you were like you can go back with your acts but that's gonna delay your path because you were like in the like i see this happening for you in this berthier but if you're not on that path that i can't control that or and he actually asked to like meet up and i was like this is you know basically like i think i realized that i could keep in touch with him like their tax like every so often but meeting up talking on the phone extensively like those are all lake getting me off so it was helpful to see that distinction and then also keep like the eye on the prize kind of like this is going to take me off path. You're like I got this train. To yeah i want to be late for. Oh thanks but here. Here's waiting like she probably would appreciate that. So yeah i mean now that we've talked about be with let's go to you as with Being in a relationship right now. Well i think just being the our call nicky just the initial two minutes already just. Fritz shockwaves through my body. Because you'll be you there. We were timing wise. It couldn't have been a more perfect. I was on the two year anniversary trip with my boyfriend. The day before we had done a bunch of psychedelics and had a coming to jesus moment about the future of a relationship and then we got on our call. It was like i needed closure to our conversation from the day before. So when nicky and i got on our call a found a quiet place. I think that's really important going to a quiet room where you feel comfortable. There are no distractions. Anneke said i am trying to look into your soul but your souls blocking me because your soul trying to portray something that it wants to be portrayed and i've heard this on numerous dates that i've been on in the past. We've had some date experiments. That where i went on a date with someone and we went on the podcast talk about and he said the same thing. He's like on dates. You were doing the data you talk. You're portraying someone that i know that. That's not authentically who you are so that was already the way we started our conversation and i kept thinking like come on seoul show. You are just not pence high. Very much tried. So here's a clip of how that conversation went down in order to pull the information. They like a medical meditation. That i but i do. I go into this. Plays close my eyes. And i started to see and it looks like a library probably krawczyk records and where we they pull information of the full and interesting like i couldn't like get access to a lot of things. I don't think it's happening in an opposite in which i've seen this before Your your soul was blocking me from like certain information and i have to have a conversation that was like listen let me has good read and then finally like allowed to look more but it was kind of projecting like almost like what it wanted me to like. Not what was really there. That was pretty funny but that happens with some souls are more advanced with like more like they're older soul because they have a higher command of things so you got red Or even when you meet somebody who's like meeting for the first time like you're gonna have a tendency to project like what you want them to think of you but not necessarily who you truly are something which it's not that you're like they unit or anything.

01:10:24 - 01:15:08

It's just like you have the ability to kind of show what you want what you want to show. Why do you think that it's so hard in we're trying to find. I find this very ironic. We're trying to find someone who we can be our authentic selves with and who we can pour our soul to yet in the dating process we hold it all back in fear of losing them or in hopes of getting them. Why is there such a disconnect between the two. I just think we're all afraid of abandonment. Afraid like one thing is to be left for like a half ass version of me and then like another thing is to be left for like the full version of me. You know it's like it's the worst. We all have this fear of of of being abandoned. Some of us were very sensitive. You know without knowing it like we're kind of reading people on dates. We know were have been that kid that learned to be like a people pleaser and learn to like make the teacher. Happy make the parents happy a lot of still. Have that in us when we're when we're dating especially women told amion. I've seen men to do that a lot. But what happens is that we don't know like were we end and the prison gins so a lot of the times we show up and we're just trained to think like i'm here to please you so i don't wanna make you feel uncomfortable. I don't want him disagree with what you just said. Because i don't want you to you know it really comes from a good place. It's like i don't want to hurt your feelings. I don't want you to feel that way. So i show up. I'm basically just bouncing off of you. And i'm giving you a version of me that it's going to be the least amount of an inconvenience to you. That's how i show up like. I don't want inconvenience your feelings. I don't wanna inconvenience you. Some gonna show up in that way and so you know a lot of times. We're also we do it without even knowing Sensitive to the other person. I think what was so fascinating to me about this. Is that like this still happens. Like you guys are two and a half years or two years into a relationship this isn't like something that just like magically switches off when you're in a relationship if anything sometimes the stakes can even be higher because the fear of abandonment is higher or like really showing someone. You're full self so it's one of those things that just doesn't ever end until you take control of it so i've been with my has been for ten years now. We've three children and i go to this doctor. Every monday to do like trauma release just basically moved like emotions out of my body. And i was having this struggle with wanting to tell my husband about something that was really bothering me and it was showing up in the session and like at the core of me. I was afraid of losing him which is bazaar like i tell my husband of ten years with three children. I mean a free to telling him this one thing. Because i'm afraid he's going to be me like a not in my subconscious like. That's i was not consciously aware of that and some sabotaging myself. I'm blaming angry. All these things to not have that conversation with him because the little girl inside of me thinks he is going to leave me. Like i am going to him and an act. According to the little girl that thinks she's going to be you know so it's it's really interesting how that happens to us. I think for me what drives a lot of my resentment is trying to figure out what's next and i think that's always been my detriment in relationships once i enter into one. I'm like all right. What's next what are we doing tomorrow. What are we doing. What is our ten year plan. Look like and gives me so much anxiety. And i really appreciate that you shed so much light into wear. My anxiety came from and how to alleviate that because i think four. We're like two years in a relationship. He's forty i'm thirty nine. I felt it's time you know like we need to get married. I think this is the logical next step and even though in my heart of heart. I don't feel like marriage is the end all be all for some reason. It's still that looming pressure. Like i just get married. And the added layer to this is that he is divorced so in my head. I'm thinking if we don't get married. Immune that i am inferior to his x. Y. z chose to get married to her and to commit to her so there were a lot of emotional issues. And i think what you done covered for me. Nikki was one. I'm very out of touch with my emotions. I think kind of on this universal level but deep down like what is my heart really want and you said something to me that saying to me really was he loves you very very much. I mean he really loves you. And i had to step back and think wow all his actions prove that and he says that like why is that not enough but i think what you said. Here i will play this clip. Now is what ultimately changed my mindset about our relationship even if if you decide to have family and have children and all that it's going to be so different than the way you raised and you get like redefined that you know like you've got to totally rewrite it.

01:15:08 - 01:20:01

You know and It logically you know that. But you're waiting for the permission to rewrite but the way you've ground in the way that you like partner up and the way that they you truly like will be deported as you redefine it. Cohen loved very much Anything i would say like his heart is like more open to you than like. You're almost like more protection when it comes to like that relationship like he here even we'd been hurt. Pets really doesn't really love deal. You know and i would feel that. He has like he truly does want to satisfy you. You know in a way his purpose in your life and like really like what the they're trying to do he's trying his full is trying to make you go deeper and make you make choices for yourself And not because like what is expected of you so what he the fact that like he kind of pushing on this marriage thing. It's really to help you like go outside the box. It could be annoying but it's also like there for you basically It doesn't mean that you you you agree to that. But a lot of there's something a little I guess because of the divorce or something something a little league non traditional back sometimes because of what he went through. But it's not too nontraditional not to out there. Anything that takes definitely more of a living on my own terms. Type the thing and questioning through norms they. There's confirmation care. Like i almost feel like kind of a commitment ceremony but not a marriage you know where like where. There's not like a typical or aka commitment like partnership commitment to what i see like you need a little bit more like that security in order to fully open your heart which is a you know something that you're seeking but he he also like not wanting to provide like which would be married plenty enough of that from his perspective. He's not sure he can trust like he's looking to trust you. You know mainly because of like you know when he came from but he Because you can't like fully open your heart because you need you need commitment to fully open. He thinks that you're like a wild card that you're not really in it so you're both kind of having the same problem to get rid of me so why this really meant so much to me was knowing that all i wanted was commitment and all i wanted was knowing that someone's responsible for me and that does not have to look like marriage. It could look like what you said. maybe a commitment ceremony or a non traditional way of committing to each other and that set me free from all these external pressures because in my mind we are in a committed relationship. That's what i ultimately wanted. And i got it. I think what you also said was. We're he and i played this emotional chicken with each other. Where i'm holding back because i don't think he's fully committed and he's holding back because he doesn't think on fully committed that has determined that is a detriment and i feel like we've been in this standstill for a while leading up to our two year. All i needed was for me to crack the door. And say i love you with all my heart and i want to be with you for as long as i possibly can. So while you also step up to the plate and he said abso fucking lutely so that was such a release for me and i feel cleansed and clarified and all the other great words the words you can throw around but just finding that clarity and having. I think it's just having confirmation from someone else to like solely. Who doesn't have skin in the game. You can come in and say listen to your boyfriend really fucking loves you get over it. Yeah i read. It brings me to tears. I think what you said though we talked about this in the podcast to it's like we've been taught that there's like one path we go down with marriage and having kids in whatever it may be well. That's a great path for some people is not the only path. And i think like when we're so fixated on one path. We can't see what we have. And i think that's exactly what it's sounding like for you. It's like what do i actually want. And i will say you've come such a long way from the start of this. I feel like you were so traditional in like and now you're so open minded so i think this fits in so much with your relationship as well and i think i told you this to nikki on our call with our discussion. Basically ended a with nothing is set in stone. We cannot predict the future. But we'll both take strides to open our mindset to meet the other person so for me. I will go on thinking. I am open to the possibility of never getting married and he will go on open to the possibility of possibly getting married again.

01:20:01 - 01:25:00

And that's how we can meet each other halfway. I think it's really done wonders for a relationship. Because i think just emotionally open ourselves up to each other beautiful and i mean it kind of reminded me of something that is in the book the final swipe we tend to date or being relationships with these like outside goals in mind whether it's marriage or you know that the guy needs to look like this or the woman needs to be like this and the truth is those desires at are these like i dunno tangible or external desires. The reason we want them is because of some sort of feeling so the reason you wanted marriage is because you are actually looking for a certain feeling you. You're looking for certain security asserted in commitments. All those kinds of things but what was getting used stuck was being on the you know like looking at like what does that traditionally look like that. There is this one path like you said which is why. I always need from a place of feeling because we really limit ourselves because we're we can only go off of our own experience if five only seen marriage like this. If i've only seen men like this or women like this like nuts all. I know but if i tap into my feeling like what i wanna feel than all these other opportunities show up for us and there's all these other doors that open because we're not like limited to like what our mind can you don't gather all of a sudden all these possibilities opened up for you because you weren't like using your minds who to be so specific about a path really using your heart on your motion which is like the connection to the universe. Basically well sometimes our need to drive a relationship forward is exactly what stopping and blocking us. Forward apps nets when i really learned from this too. I was on a different train. I shouldn't have been on. I think it goes back to what we were talking about earlier. Though is just like having trusted will all work out in leading with love over fair. Because i think this is all deep-rooted into fair like the situations. I brought up that. I'll never meet someone that connect with as much as my axe or for you. This will never end in marriage. I think all of this ends in fear of we can like learn to rewire to appreciate what we got in front of us either from the current experience for the past. And just trust having that. Trust like nikki. Do you have any like words of wisdom for people to have that. Trust like obviously they can go to you but if they didn't go to you like how can they kind of get that trust in their daily I always say if you can't trust or you can't get to that extreme positively because your life has proven you otherwise you dated a bunch and it hasn't worked if you can at least lead with curiosity that's a middle around and it's a it's a. It's an open door that like opens up. It's like the the gateway drug to trust. Because if i go on the let's see let's see what this person like is going to be like let's instead of having this very fixed mindset about what the state's gonna look like what my life is gonna look like. So what if. I was going to end up with somebody ray like instead of you don't have to be like absolutely can end up with somebody because that may feel very untrue. You know you may be like my life has shown me otherwise. I can't get behind that. So but what if you would say what if right would have there. Is this curiosity that leads you and that really then that coupled with gratitude is what brings you into that place of trust off if the unloved love trusting in your path in your your life but what if you do do reading with someone where their fears could be actualized. Maybe you do see that they end up alone or that. They are facing death sooner than later to you. How do you guide them. Three aso we basically like we face the fear of why is it so scary to be alone. Why is it such a bad thing like why is it. Such a bad thing guy railing. Those are the kind of things that we would have to to work through. Like why you know we can make it less Less dramatic rate. It could be like. I have a feeling of not able to pay my rent and i'm going to get out of this apartment and it's like well. Why is such a bad thing. So what if you can't live in that apartment and you have to go live here or you have to live with your parents or something like what if there's something there for you like not being afraid like life is taking you down certain paths for a reason. Why do we decide that those things are bad whereas the book that says this is not in. This is good. I think that is a great segue into takeaways. Because i think that's one that's been standing out for me is that life isn't always the way we think it's going to unfold and i think once you can release that like i think we both kind of brought up perfect examples like you said something to me to you know like i'm thirty seven years old like i still haven't met that person yet but trust in my timing like this is when it's supposed to unfold if i was to look at my life when i was like you know growing up i probably would have thought i'd be married and having kids by now but that's not the way it worked out in. There's nothing wrong with that and then like for you. It's like if things don't result in marriage. Maybe that's okay like if you end up having the same feelings of commitment that you're really seeking so i think just being open and i love this idea of the leading with curiosity and also i think the other takeaway have. Is it still like.

01:25:00 - 01:30:04

I know it's about body too but is does come back to mindset also because if you think about things in the positive i could look at the string of dates recently like oh nikki told me that i'm gonna meet this person butler not working out you know like but then i can also look at it like this is just something i need to do to get to where i need to be so it's really hung frame it at the end of the day. Yeah i have a very similar takeaways. I think it's we always say you have to go through the trenches. But i kinda like this more positive spin of trust in your path that yes king and something you said to me on our call nikki was. You're like you know everyone's a little bit off their path but they're going in the right direction so as long as you're going in the right direction you're good right like if you're a little bit off that's fine. You can always come back onto the right path. And sometimes it's hard to decipher. What is the right path. And that's how we have to listen to our hearts. So i think connecting with your with your emotions and your feeling so important. That's something i. I learned to do And the sa- healing aspect. I think i forget to pause. And just he'll some of the emotional trauma. I have it on upon myself in the last ten years or so and so something i've started doing recently was as soon as i see the clock. Turn like eleven eleven. If i happen to see it. I'll take a moment to stop and just do some visual healing for myself where i see like darkness. Lifted my body and really works. Allegra resets my brain and my body resets my life really just how i view the rest of the day so i think healing is so important and we can't overlook we gotta make time for it. I think the last tale add to is looking at the past. He's senate actually really well but like my accent me up to be really fully seen in heard in my you know lifelong relationship and i think we can look at the past as like a. Why did i do this. Why did i waste my time here but if you reframe again of like this is i was meant to do that. Because that's how i'm getting on my path. And i'm on today like i think it's really just looking at life holistically not not being too hard on yourself like i think. That's things like we make mistakes. But as long as we can get back on the path like that's all that matters moffitt so great any last words of wisdom that you want to give our listeners. Know you live and breathe this stuff now. I'm just so proud of both of you just like you know you just were open to it and like the shifts happened in you because you were like ready and willing for it. So it's i'm just like watching guys. And i'm just so proud of you just assigned it so this is so beautiful. Yeah and that's a wrap up to this whole experience at no. It's like after the call. Nikki sends you a record and readings so you can replay it. But i was taking notes too. I was like i need to remember the stuff in the moment and i'm just curious how you feel. After every reading. Because i was exhausted i needed a like thirty minutes away from my partner away from my dogs. And just sit alone and absorb and digest. Is that how you are tired. I'm not as tired as you because Because when i am reading also shifting your energy i'm purposely like moving it around and trying to like release layers as much as you're ready for whatever you're ready for. We'll be able to move out of the way. I'm just shifting with my voice like my voice is basically they making the energetic shift in you yes i can only do like three readings day. I used to do a lot more but as my work has gone like and i mean it's also like the price point is is because of that like it's really is a lot of energetic worked for me like because i'm meditating before i talk to you and then i'm still with you right. No yeah just you know. I find it to be very sacred work like i come in and i'm like okay. We're going to have a meeting today with julie's soul like like please work through me like it's the i play I've actually trained. I have a few girls that read under me now. Because i have a method so i was able because i was. I believe in a good reading like even if you don't read with me like i believe in going. And maybe not the psychic next to the yogurt shot but jill. Nado police inside the joke. Fluorescent might not her. I don't know going to judge. I wish i really believe in that. That sacred meeting like with your with your soul. So trained people to read under me because my hope is like you know everybody gets a bit reading you know. I think it's really important. You know what's so interesting now. Is i think the reaction might have to do with your personality. 'cause i not feel. I felt like energized. After like i think. I like immediately texted you. Add like shared with her or were you process it war but that just could be the way we are in general. I think that shows up in the way we interact outside of this also is like some people need to process things before talking in other people like me that just talk so well.

01:30:04 - 01:34:07

Also what are you looking for going into reading. I was looking to be exhausted after looking to get information into processes. So it just depends. Yeah i had no expectation go again. You was more like the alligator that was like wrapped up tight and like she wants to wrestle with you and like i had to look fashion and then at the end know what i feel like i i think maybe also because you like kind of had this time with your boyfriend that you wanted more answers to where i kind of was fresh sleep part. I think if i was maybe like a month or i was thinking about this earlier. Virus did this reading with you a month or two earlier. When i was like deciding whether to like end things with my acts like i might have been a totally different mindset. Also the intention like you were hope like you. Your your intention was more hope and then you as was more like release so young yes absolutely and then you do different types of readings right. Think why do you like that one. Main reading That's pretty much the signature. It's sometimes i during the holidays. I do like a year ahead but after krona cova did we do your heads anymore to change. How i you know i. I don't like the super super predictive. We do that. I do healings. Also but i also teach people mike how to read on the lake. If anybody is interested in like nerdy about the stuff. I actually teach people how to read themselves. I've told so many people about the readings in there. Like how do i sign up. So can you do like how can do and also about your podcast in book to think so. You can go to nikki. No votes com since his nfl k. K. i. lovie. Oh and straight ahead. You'll see like clarity readings and if you can't book with me you can put somebody who has trained under me. Who's just as good. I'm like a big Psychic reading connoisseur. So i picked good people of that read just like me and you can order the final swipe on amazon which is the great. Read if you're just starting to date and the final site podcasts. Anywhere you can listen to podcasts. Also have thank you so much nikki. I'm about to book another reading. We need more clarity. Especially when he twenty. Everyone's like my need was awesome. Thank you again nikki. And for anybody who would like to be a guest on the podcast. We love to book. You were so just head on over to date. Podcast dot com. And if you love this episode which i know you dead. Please give us a good rating in apple podcasts. Five stars is that too much to ask no right because that enables us to bring on fabulous guests like nikki who know that we're legit and that we're not just like a little like two girls stuck in a room like talking to each other house. Wrap this up day dateable. Dateable podcast is part of the frolic podcast network. Find more. podcast you'll love at frolic dot media slash podcasts. Want to continue the conversation. I follow us on instagram. Facebook and twitter with the handle at dateable podcasts. Tag us in any post with a hashtag. Stay dateable and trust us. We look at all those then head over to our website. Dateable podcasts dot com there. You'll find all the episodes as well as the videos are coaching service. With vetted industry experts you can also find our premium y series where we dissect analyze an offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums roseau downloadable for free on spotify apple. Podcasts google play overcast stitcher radio and other podcasts platforms. Your feedback is valuable to us. So don't forget to leave us a review and most important wait. Remember to stay dateable.