S11E10: Journey to L-O-V-E

00:00:00 - 00:05:09

The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves.  I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world.

Welcome to another episode of dateable a show. All about modern dating today is a little bit different because we do not have a guest we are so low, but there's two of us. So we're a duet today Abbas. Two of us. We're trying something new where we do like a midseason check in just the two of us because we find that with our Intros, we always go over. We always have like to say for anybody who doesn't know we aim for fifteen minutes of an intro every time and it's never we've never gotten it to two minutes and I feel like we could also probably go for like another twenty. But we like pull it back. To talk about just like on our livestream I think our livestream could've gone on for eight hours. If needed I loved our livestream I had such a good time but I hope everyone that listened did to interview didn't you can still actually catch we have it up on Youtube now is wonderful were in the facebook group do so I really loved read this dating term Trivia, and like people got to guess I think we're seeing people's guesses was hilarious but there was one with the term freckled but God. Made me crack up there was very explicit. Therapies answer to Franklin what do you think Franklin means when it comes to dating Should we just leave the. We're not going to tell them the real answer, but I also think shelby our community members answer was far superior than the actual definition of Roechling. But what we did announce that our live stream was something big that we've been working on. We've been teasing it for so long and we made this big reveal of an offering called the sounding board where I think for. So long we've talked to so many of you listeners and daters and people in relationships where they feel like they're alone and whatever they're going through, and we've also found that people who listen to our podcast come in because of something that happened in their loveline up break-up, a new relationship someone goes to them something. Related to a heartbreak anything pivotal moment happened and they went searching for answers online or through top podcast lists, and that's how they found us. So we realize that when we go through these moments of change in our relationships in our love life, we do feel very isolated and alone. You feel like you're the only one going through it. You feel like you don't want to weigh down your friends with like bitching I. Guess Quote Unquote that you think you're doing or they just don't know I mean if your friends are alike in is a lot of my friends are married with kids. So it's like they are in a totally different life stages understandable. I think regardless of what people are going through like everyone right now is in the state of. Flocks with just this new way of dating and Cova too. So even if you're you haven't had any crazy life experience, I think the pandemic itself has given you a crazy life experience it again, it goes back into that isolation. I think when March hit this year everyone felt extremely isolated. We felt lost. Have you ever felt that feeling of just being lost feeling like you're alone feeling like nobody can relate to what what you're going through and just looking for answers. Not that we have the answers, but we've been able to talk to people who've been through similar situations and listen to the tools and the tactics they used to get out of the trenches, and so the sounding board is exactly that it's the moment when you need a sounding board to just hawk out whatever it is you're going through but then to find actionable next steps to getting yourself out to move forward and not to just dwell on the current situation, and that's how we came the selling board I mean one of the things we talked to a bunch of you listeners to like make sure that we were on. The right path and get your feedback sounding board. The term sounding board kept coming up over and over again like I think that was like the go-to term in that's what started this title but I think one of the things that we have a bunch of different offerings in tears to really let you pick what works for you. One of the features that were offering guided audio prompts in exercises in the form of a monthly challenge and I think the word monthly challenge in general two people was really motivating because like gave you something to do in Bata until he bite sized chunks, it wasn't like okay let's think about everything.

00:05:09 - 00:10:01

In all that's happening all at once and I know personally I've done stuff like this. This is what turned around my dating life like just taking the time listening to this audio stuff reflecting making that change in really getting to the root of some of the things that you have in your head and shifting your mindset. So I, think that piece of super excited about in the other area that we're really going to bring home is doing this dateable after show, which is gonna be like a live interactive event in it will be either an event with the two of us or with some of our past guests in the. Idea again is to give you interactive community time that you can really just ask your questions be heard talk with other people in like have that sounding board of the members of the group other pass gas asked all of that, and of course, we also do a one on one or one unto session where package deal, and then we have what we're offering virtual coffee. So again, depending on which tier you sign up for you get what Julia was a one onto session just the three of us at your leisure. You know 'cause we can talk about whatever it is. You want to talk about us us as your sounding board. And the very last piece I think is. Even more exciting for me is we've got merch finally. Emerge for so long you get discounts on March and we have some really fun swag out there I think everyone should be rocking. We've been working on this for few months. Oh. These are really fun to. See come to life and I think the very last piece of this as you are also supporting us we appreciate you listening to us. We appreciate you being in our community, and this is that one extra step you can to support us as independent content creators who are trying to make this podcast. Our main thing this is our goal we want to put it out there in the universe that we we want to be the dateable podcast girls is our only focus we wanna be in a monogamous relationship with the podcast. And we want to bring you more amazing awesome content and guests. And Change Your Life. That's what we're all about right. I. Think It'd end of the day. That's the goal here is to give you the tools and have fun in the process like deciding sometimes as always like dating socks or release jobs are so hard. It doesn't need to be that way like less just work through it all together in see the good in everything and I think that's just GonNa make everything a lot more enjoyable and also just another note is we also with the different tiers like during each moment is up to you like. If you're not a facebook person, you don't need to be in the facebook group but if you want to be in the facebook group that's also very much involved with this and you can do the monthly challenges on your own or we're going to have sessions that you can actually like talk with other community members about your revelations really reflect. So again, I think what we're trying to say is there's choice here and it's really up to you what works for you and we're here to support. You in whatever that way is, it also were using Petri on as our platform in the best part is like everything is secure you can cancel anytime like it's pretty much risk free in joining now like the rest of October free including our first event, which is GonNa be killer. So excited we're doing a dating council like Judge Judy, style, but it's the two of us in maybe some other special guests that are going to kind of assess your dating conundrum. So it's GONNA be a blast. Yeah exactly safe online payment none of this wire transfer stuff no Nigerian prince, take your money, and how do you sign up? You can read all about this info and learn about all the different tiers by going to data podcast, dot com slash sounding board there you'll find all the information and all the sign up instructions and just more information all tiers. So definitely do that today, check it out, check it out, check it out. So been going on what's been going on your life well added. Besides. Bye. Bye Love Connection last night. We had some really fun of interactions with community members that was hilarious do so definitely check out that livestream but outside of that. So this is actually kind of fundy. It's kind of a Snafu that I feel like a lot of people might really too. So as you recall, I mentioned a date I had my first socially distance date in you. It said like how much do you? WanNa go out with him again and I like the way we. Left it him and I was like I reached out on hinge because I realized that we had never exchanged actual contacting folks done our phone in video chat via hinge. So I had reached out after the day just saying I had a good time in. You know if we want to chat like here's my number would love to do it again.

00:10:01 - 00:15:00

so he replied back on hinge like great. I'll message on WHATSAPP in that I never heard from him so. You know Wednesday went by, and honestly this week has just felt like attorney to be. Also I realized that it was really only a week ago that I hadn't met up with him. But if felt like like a month had passed just because of all the stuff going on, we've had a lot with the launch and all that and so like Wednesday night I actually Kinda stop for a second thought about it because it actually had it real even cross. My mind fully exist it's been so busy but Wednesday was like I never heard from him I guess wasn't that interested or you know or I guess it's not GonNa go anywhere won't be hauled I get a text on Thursday morning right after having this thought from WHATSAPP and it's him and I'm like, okay cool. He did reach out. So I I hope and what's happened I actually saw that he had message me on Saturday so it was from like Pretty much like right after we had that initial call again you. Know I never got a notification the only time I got an artifact was Thursday, which is really bizarre like there was nothing in my whats APP that Said Lake One unread message 'cause I use WHATSAPP like not regularly. But enough that I got in messages I mean, I used it for the long distance relationships I used it quite frequently so but it definitely said Saturday, so it Wasn't like him like making something up site like reached out I'm just like, Hey, I'm really sorry like I just got this and he was like I've had this happened with a couple of other people too. So anyways, low behold this is still on the table we have not yet made the second plan, but it's we're in conversation and his teeth are doing better than he wants. said he is upgraded to more solid foods and you know it just shows you that really there could be a tech glitch. Oh my gosh. The Tech Glitch is just that one thing that could make or break you like imagine if you were really looking forward to hearing from him, I've done this too I'm like really looking forward to hearing from someone after a day I would go through all my apps thinking that I missed it somewhere and I go through my leg deleted email been thinking like maybe he emailed me out of the Blue I don't I don't even have. Email even though your last name, i. go through all my text messages over and over again it's like you want to find every crevice where that message could be. But also times that these messages could creep up when you aren't really looking for them. You know it's always when you're not looking at the situation where you think there is like attack glitch usually isn't. It's always like these unexpected tech glitches for that being said like I, think there's a couple of things I learned from. This is one you know like obviously like I mentioned I had a really good time with him. I wouldn't say that I was like Oh my God I must see this person again. So I agree the stakes were as high but even if they were as high I think it's just like you gotta go about Your Business in like whatever will work will play out and it's like there's I. Think there was a past me in this was again why looking forward to the sounding board because I think this is this is a skill is to learn how to kind of let go a little and I've struggled with this for years. So I'm not preaching by any means like I've had friends that are just like you need to chill out just like let it play out and I think honestly at this early stage dating, it could be anything you know. Who knows what was going on in his mind? He's like, Oh, I message this girl she said she wanted to see the again just never replied to me and you know it's like we can make all these stories but the reality was I never got the message from my side I never saw the message I think yes, I agree like you let things play out and you just move on with your life and figuring things out but also you were like super into him. This would bother you a lot more of not getting a message from him. And you would be wondering about a lot. It would affect you a lot more and yes, you only went on one day I. Think yes it was very early on, but we've I think connection can come in all sorts of timing and shapes and sizes. So I I think it still goes into the fact that you were like I think this is not really high on the scale of connection, but there could be something there. Yeah for sure. But I think what I would argue as if I felt it was super strong, I would have reached out again. I would have taken that initiative especially I'm definitely someone that doesn't wait around for tax like I think obviously ideally, there's this equal effort happening. That's my ideal situation but if I'd like we have this amazing time, all the signs were there that this was going I I would have just reached out has this ever happened to you because? I kind of think back on this boyfriend I had in Connecticut back in two thousand and three our first day I was like he's all right.

00:15:00 - 00:20:02

He's fine. We went on a second day I was like well, he's definitely more intimacy than I am into him and then for two weeks I didn't hear from him in a new row me nuts and maybe Like him more. So than is legally out and then we got together we we dated for five years after that it was that two weeks of a break that made me wonder about him a little more. So I basically was playing hard to get without realizing it. So thank you what's up tech fail. But I think actually, this has happened to be what I was really into the person he texted me and then I replied back then I got nothing back and I was very confused. She was away also like maybe the reception was bad or like you know you start media all these stories but I was I was definitely in my headboard than this one for sure what ended up happening there was some other because he was using. Like an ANDROID APP for messaging and there was a glitch again like I made a comment that he was like we did you not get my tax my photo like all this stuff like thought I wasn't replied to him so it does happen for sure. But regardless of how into someone you are I think there is something the fact that I was busy week even if you were super into them, it's sometimes it doesn't give you enough. Time to even start to dwell on it. I know for me I've personally gotten into the most trouble had space lies when I'm not busy enough. Oh, absolutely much time to think. So I think it's like another reason why? Like if you're not getting the response, he wanted you just go along with your life in you like fill that time up you things that make you happy and again like put it out there to someone I don't. Think he's just like speak passive but I think even if you put it out there like you just trust the things will take their form the way they're supposed to. Yeah I think that's a great way to navigate it. Balancing of time has been something that I've been with especially with my partner I think like my boyfriend and I have this weekly check in with every Wednesday at six pm we check in I, put it on my google. Because I needed to schedule it in but the last two weeks I have been. So fucking busy that I've plow through six o'clock and I'd be like Oh. Do you mind if we push back to six thirty? Do you mind we push back to seven and then we end up being too tired too. So we can't do it. He prefers to have A. Beverage in his hand when we do our check ins so it's not like we can take the dogs for a walk during young in there and I am so guilty of something realized this week is that I keep trying to fit him in between lying or other responsibilities that I haven't carved out time. There's a difference between fitting in time and carving out time. And I need to do more of that for my partner is it's not the keep putting him to the next bailable appointment. It's on Saturday at ten I am Brian hearing my calendar just for you. I mean you do it for the podcast you know Tuesday's the day where record you should totally be doing that for your relationship. It's like when you get your relationship just think, Oh, my partner will understand when I go a little bit over with. My meetings and recordings whatever it may like your responsibilities are for that day but it's really unfair to them to 'cause totally eating for you to finish, and that's been one of his biggest complaints about me. He's always like I'm always waiting for you to finish something it's annoying and I get it I just need to carve out time for my partner. So for all the people in relationships, there's a big difference between fitting in your partner and carving. Out Time for your partner I think this actually brings up a really good point and also a good segue to what we're GonNa talk about on this episode and one thing though is that being dateable recap said, this one of our community numbers Ricky said being dateable does not mean being single and that stuck with me because his point was there's a lot of people that are good at dating in bad at relationships and I think being dateable. is, making the time for your partner and hearing their needs and you know like adapting yourself to that all of that. So I one hundred percent this does not stop and I think that's why the sounding board in all this stuff is not geared just single people. It's going to be geared to people all status because it really gets. It doesn't just magically end when you're in a relationship just new stuff comes up because we're always on a journey. Jay Word but shea word that is part of the segment of what we WanNa talk about now is the evolution of not just the podcast but ourselves yes, we started this podcast five years ago i. feel like I was a totally different person Julie I feel like you were totally different. So we thought we would take the next couple minutes to one talk about our perspective of how ut the other person changed in the last five years, and then we take a moment to talk about our own evolution how we've changed. So Sh- do you want me to kick it off Julie? Paint. The picture of where we both were five years ago because I think that's also like To.

00:20:05 - 00:25:01

Should we should let people though because I think why we wanted to do this we're thinking of topics of a good midseason check in and we always talk about the journey and we've sprinkled in little bits here and there of ourselves but we haven't explicitly talked about our own journeys and I think ultimately, you know like with everything we're doing with the sounding board. All of this is helping you on your journey they get all comes down to the journey. The J. Word, the Jay word, our favorite J word five years ago I could describe where you were or. Let's let's do the reverse and then we can pepper in any additional details. Okay. So refund I had met you A in. Like we met in I wanNA say February of the year before but we didn't start being we started being more friends around my birthday because I remember I invited you to my birthday party even though we didn't know each other Super Wall we hung out a few times I'm like I really like her. So then we started hanging out a bit and we decided to make this podcast in December. Ish. We think we started recording in December of Twenty fifteen by early about to hit five years, which is crazy. We didn't release technically till. February but we started in December the also yeah like where was but I met her in general that you recently moved to. San. Francisco because I think even what I met you. You actually weren't in San Francisco chatting with young our friend Courtney Yup. So Courtney K who has been on this podcast multiple times, matchmaker data coach at her do each other from the dating world heard i. knew each other from like the connection were all because I was doing five hundred brunches at the time. So I guess sparkling in a little mine too but. We had met because you were new to Assaf and you're just like kind of in awe of just what was happening like data wise like you had desperately seen dating scene like this before I mean I guess you were pretty single because you'd move somewhere new and it's just like acclimating yourself in a brand new place you're in your mid thirties at that point. Thirty five straight. Yeah. So yeah, I think it's like coming to a brand new place ready to just take on a new life. So anything you want to add or die catch it. Well, I think that's exactly it is fish out of water I moved to San Francisco on a whim I knew a handful of people and I was just so open to exploring. The the the city of San Francisco, and also the dating scene. But when I first met Julie so I was visiting Courtney at the time and she I, was living in. So cal and Courtney said, oh my friend runs this start up where she does these connections makes these connections and events and you should come because there is a brunch slash fitness class. event. So we went to studio mix and I remember just having this image of Julie like Oh my gosh she's in her early thirties and she runs her own company and she's able to get all these people together to get sweaty and then to go to brunch together this is really impressive and I think it was an all female event to write John was Yep. Yeah. So we went to Brunch And a met some lovely people there. I wish I remember their names because I probably run into them into them sense. So that was my first impression of Julie but it wasn't until until Julie's birthday and also this time an after party for the product. Hunt Party member, right? That's why we really hit it off was actually before my birthday. But yes, it was like right that was like April ish. Here. Yes. So San Francisco's notorious for these like. extravagant tech parties that I was not privy to at all Julian. Her friends were at a bar near me doing kind of like an after party themselves after this huge product. Right. I used to be really busy. But not as much as I i. was GonNa, say that was my impression was Julie's really in the tech scene she knows the tech, the Party circuit very well, and you guys were like comparing it to previous years. Coachella like last year they had this and this year they had they didn't have that. And you were talking about all the cool shit that was happening at this product. Hunt Party. So my impression of Juliet the time was she's out to have fun. This girl knows she's connected. She knows the scene she's out to have fun. You talked about some boys our at the product hunt and hunt party because you had a huge crush on. I won't say. Married. It was the founder Todd I'll just say it he's the tech celebrity. He's been happening with product touch anywhere sort of played out five years ago.

00:25:01 - 00:30:04

This was like be hot start. So people that are like befogged this does not sound like you're in the scene it was back then. Okay. See Yes it was. There were multiple ways at this party, but you definitely had your eye on this guy 'cause he's also tax celebrity. And I think you at the time were it was a murky situation for you I you know in the last five years we've been doing podcasts and Ben Friends isn't it? Weird? I've never met your acts, but he's been in and out of your life for a for so long but it's almost like sliding doors every time he comes in I'm no I'm Outta town or it's covid. It's really strange. I've never met met him in person but at the time you were getting out of getting out of the relationship with them. So it's a little bit murky and you're looking to have fun. Yes. That had just it was like it ended in Russia. It must've been like at the dot of that. Exactly. Yes. So shall we take a quick break for our sponsor before we keep going? Yeah, let's do it. Well, let's for our partner shaper meant while this year hasn't been totally smooth at least we can look smooth shave permit offers a collection of awesome shape wear that not only smooths you out but also feels comfortable. That's really important to have when you're lounging around all the time I feel empowered when I'm wearing shape wear it's an awesome feeling and shaper MMA dot com I can easily find the perfect shape wear ranging from tanks, shorts, body suit, and more Julian I recently. Got The loungewear leggings as we've talked about these before they're so comfortable they hug you in all the right places they are my go-to retire and unlike leading brands shape remain selection is half the price making it feel like a huge sale every single time. But as if that wasn't enough, you get an additional ten percents off your order by using our code dateable. So just go to shape remain dot com slash dateable and use the Code D. A. T. A. B. L. E. to get our exclusive listener at a discount extra ten percents off your order again in dot com slash eight will code Dat AB L. E.. So the evolution of. Might as well just stick to Julie because we're already talking about Julie is this journey that she's been on in five years and what are some of the changes that I've seen in Julie I? Think First and foremost I've noticed that Julia has become a lot more mindful with dating in those early years. We knew each other dating was just for fun dating was for meeting people you want to go on day after day you were you were ready to go out and meet people. But now I think you date with purpose not just because Cova hit but I think this really hit you in the middle of last year Julie is like you you kinda thought I liked dating I've. Dated lots of people now I need a date with a purpose and I need to I need to be very sure about why dating before I, put myself out there. So not mindfulness has been really refreshing to see, and it's also like I think for anybody who knows Julie She's very empathetic and sympathetic, and I think she's always a for afraid of hurting roadkill what I call roadkill, right? It's the people you date when you're not ready to date and then you end up breaking their heart or Edano leading them on for some reason and Julie's very cautious of that. She doesn't want to lead anybody on she's very mindful and careful of of how she acts and the the words that she. Says to anybody she goes on a date with so you know she's she comes with full sincerity when she goes on a date with you that's shot I. See of Julia but the other evolution I've seen with Julie is how you've dealt with your situation with your ex he's been this ongoing supporting character that I've seen in your life and how you've related to him and your break up and make-up's with him have become a lot more mature in the beginning they're very reactive at obviously you were very hurt and trying to get over it but I think in the last three two or three years you've put like a mindset around it so you're able to frame it in a way of. I'm learning from this. So I feel like every time you guys break up you learn you like are telling me the things that you've learned from that relationship, and then you take it onto your next relationship or the next time you guys get back together. So it was a pivotal moment for you this year when that break-up happened over Cova I think it show to me how much more control you have of your emotions and of your love life when this happened because you were, you were a lot more confident in your decision to end this relationship ironic that you have never met him. But yet my other boyfriend in between him all the fleeting characters I've never met this ongoing recurring character.

00:30:06 - 00:35:21

The sliding door of yet I think it's like every time we like since the massive break up and we I think you and I just weren't as close to like when we were dating the second time second break-up ended like probably like at the beginning of the PODCAST, they probably a couple months in your like I was not dating for like the first year and a half of our podcast, which was kind of ironic because I feel like it was like I'm now doing this dating podcast. Dating. Super Therapeutic for be like I. Remember I talked about my ex law on the podcast in you like you stop talking about your ex I called it. I was like this is not over I'm just. Like, you don't know who's listening. You're talking about your acts all the time but I think I was I was working through something and I think that's like the reality in that's what I've learned over the time to I. Think I think I've just become a lot more confident in my own self and I think also just okay like if things don't play out, I think before I was like very much like a needs to work out a certain a been able to stay open but also not get attached to an outcome, right? Yes. Well, you attach yourself to an outcome you're setting yourself up for disappointment. Also like even that break-up was one of the hardest things I've ever dealt with in my life like I remember. Now you'll get out of bed like it was really bad. But you did change me as a person completely get made me a law or introspective like you. I was saying I was definitely more of a party girl for shirt. Even. RENA party. Girl. And I still like to go out I still like to have fund. Okay we run but I definitely was way more in I was not in place for a serious relationship even though I thought I was I wasn't and I think my lifestyle has changed. What I like to do has changed a lot in that five years in the sense of like I feel like I have space to let someone into a life instead of just bringing them along for the ride and I think that's what it used to be likely it was always like, oh We have someone. So I have someone to be outwith with all my friends that are coupled up. I'll have my boyfriend to and I think I've also learned to let go over the years of just not caring as much. I think for a while I had in my head like, Oh, I'm the only single person here like so hard it's so difficult and now I'm just like I don't really even fucking care. Like my therapist and this helped me a lot. She's like, no one's thinking about it this much leading they're like they're just trying to get to the open bar they're not like God. She's you're single like, no one's thinking about it and like to hang out with friends of mine all the time that are in appear and I'm never feel like a third wheel, I think this third wheel think is so late juvenile at high school. It's like at the end of the day just be confident. You're there to like hang out with them like I've become friends with a lot of my friends significant others like I do consider them friends and I don't feel like Oh they're like, oh, wisest like single girl around like that mindset is totally changed and I think it just puts you at ease like who cares just live your life in you know. In like honestly I've said this before too I want to get married I wanNA, find my person but I think I've become a lot less attached to this idea that it needs to be forever like I I am thankful that I actually did find true love in my lifetime like I felt very much like I met someone that truly saw me for who I was and then way I've never felt before and I did the same for him and I'm happy for that regardless like what plays out in I think it's like if I am single for the rest of my life like this isn't that bad like I'm okay with this lifestyle. I think that's like a really important thing to think about is like. What's worst case scenario? It's like I'm pretty happy right now like if that's worse case scenario like it's not that bad I'm not gonNA, dial them like single alone. But. If you join our livestream, you'll know that we did find. Julie. Action. The balance though I'm trying to change my mind set on. It's like I WANNA be open I want to. Find that person, but I'm not desperate to find that person like I'm just like in life. You know it's not the end all be all exactly I. Think the other big wave changed is before I was just so afraid of conflicts like I feel like I would avoid conflict I will never state my needs and I think from this podcast especially and then also therapy too. But just learning that conflict is inevitable that it can bring you closer if you do it in the right way and I think that's exactly what it is. I've become a lot. More clear what my own needs are, and then I'm not afraid to have those conversations and even like revisiting things with my ex like he was like, wow, you've totally changed since last time we dated like in terms of how you bring up challenges and it's more like what's worth through them together opposed to you know like you did something wrong or I did something wrong like I think that in general has been a huge area of growth for me and will set me up for a healthy relationship.

00:35:22 - 00:40:03

So she we've onto you a how I think she. And you can talk about it. I think for you A. You. When I first met you, you're very calculated like if someone didn't text back within two hours or two days, maybe not two hours that's an exaggeration. But like a couple of days you would get like really like in your head about things and I remember like if you didn't go like it had to be very linear with you like Ivy to go on one and then the next week beyond to, and you also were just a lot more traditional Gender roles like I think you would not have reached out I you would not have made certain move slide. It was I remember some of our early critique on this podcast was that there was like not a modern way of thinking about gender roles than I. Have Seen so much adaption from you and also sacks you also were not nearly as open about sacks like having sex on the first day like I feel like you were very much by the rules is how I would put you at that stage and I. Think you've broken all the rules I think that's where I a transition and I think with your current boyfriend to like I. Think I'm very amazed how you've just let things play out. It wasn't like an instant overnight like you guys were like Super Serious I. Think I've definitely noticed over the years now coming on years it's progressed and seriousness like I. Think you started off more casual and you've just let that bond form organically where I think a lot of people would be like, okay after two years of I'm not. Married, yet him out or like we haven't moved in together like I think you're kind of just like letting things work their course and also meeting him where he's at and I think that is probably how I've seen. You changed the most by far. Absolutely I think I came from dating in New York was very traditional as as slutty as people are in New York. There's still these traditional general's people uphold and coming from that environment and then going to Beijing where it's like even more traditional San Francisco really just threw everything. Out The window for me even that first year just thinking like Oh wow people don't have monogamous relationships at so weird. How do they do that? Isn't that just cheating you know that was so shocking to me but now I think you're totally right. Julie. I. I think it's because when you open up your mind nothing is shocking anymore. I, think I've I've been so open with my perspective and I feel like I'm constantly opening more doors and I don't know where the line is for me anymore because I keep pushing that line unlike that's okay. Actually I'm I'm clueless that even like when we're doing our diaper fetish episodes of both of us had our lines push it we're like. This is fine. This'll be all right for us and having these revelations has really helped me in my own relationship just knowing that there's not one right way to do everything and there are no set gender roles, and in fact, your roles could change throughout the week even and I love having that open mindset just so I can I can be more adaptable in in this relationship especially being in a relationship with someone who is divorced and we are he's forty. I'm coaching my forties. It's kind of one of those things like if I stopped giving a fuck now my life will be a lot happier. For so long I just gave too many Fox. This is the time to just not give a fuck and just let things play out. So having that Nice Open perspective has I think has been. A game. Changer for me. I think the other thing I've seen in you is you were in another relationship over this course of the time where you just were not happy and I think like you stayed in that because he felt like you were supposed to have someone and I think that kind of goes to this openness of like having their courage to let that go for the unknown. In the that really open up to someone that is just so much better suited for you and I think sometimes it's hard to see that when you're in it like you're like who else is out there I'm in a scarcity mindset but the reality is if it's not a good match in a relationship, not making you happy it's not working for you like being single is not the end of. The world. It's opening up to the possibilities where if you're in a relationship with the wrong person, you definitely cannot meet that right person. Yeah. It was pretty eye opening when that relationship ended and Julie and another friend said that relationship was making you boring like damn I never thought of myself as boring but okay. Yeah I mean I don't know if I would say that I think our other.

00:40:03 - 00:45:03

Friends that I I'd say that I think I said that I do I just tell you weren't happy like I think that's what it was. I wasn't surprised when he said it ended. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's been a roller coaster, but it's been really fun. I think both of our journeys have have gone in a way that it should've gone I think if we didn't have these major changes and. Setbacks then we wouldn't have learned anything. So I think it's really great this journey that we're on for anybody WHO's been with us since the beginning, tell us your journey to how have you changed in the last five years even if you haven't been with us from the beginning, just take a moment now to think about how you've changed in the last five years and what are some the learnings. That you can take into the next five years. That is a very exciting mindset to be I think mindset I mean that's been a huge shift because I think before I, always like put the emphasis on the other person and how they could change in the only person that you can change yourself. So I like feel like just taking ownership on your own is a huge shift at least for me. Knowing that you have control of your love life and only you do nobody else can take control it away from you. It's extremely empowering to know. So Wing, you get in a position where someone else's controlling your emotions just by simply performing an action that's independent of you like texting back or not saying that they like you that's independent of you. You're the one who can control your mindset. And say Okay I'm GonNa take that information and I'm going to turn it into something positive. That's how you take control of your love life and we're all working towards that. Cool. Okay. So we're GonNa do something fun in different for this that we're GONNA do rapid fire questions that were gonNA ask each other is that how it goes? Yes, and these are questions we have not heard or seen beforehand. Think on our feet. When we sign up for you, let's do one alternating. So you WanNa go first give me one. Yes. If all of a sudden we found out in dateable was already copyrighted name for another show and we had to rename our show. would. You rename our podcast to be Oh my God I have no idea. Okay. This is what I would change I don't know catchy name offhand I would make it a little more something about personal development and creating the love life. He want maybe a little less dating specific Clayton more inclusive of all stages of dating. Lovable out. You're not. This is a rapid fire but I think we're digging into the psychology more like maybe there's a play on like about why or something I don't know those are bad news. This is clearly not bought the through. Okay. All right. I'll take that lovable the love. Welcome to another episode of the lovable podcast. Diva name no doubt. Okay okay. Mine is totally different but what's your favorite sex positions? So boring cowgirl all the way. Cal Rea- cowgirl reverse but the. Cases. Are Yet face each other 'cause then I can better control my orgasm. That's all SAM. My question to you is how dateable are you on a scale of one to ten? Being, data would all and ten being extremely dateable I. Think I'm a nine. Yeah I get it. I Made Round Up. Now I don't want to be attend because I agree with the logic there's always room for improvement but I think I've just become a lot more empathetic and Compassionate in. And I I'm just fun to be around. Fair you. To get type but also fun. Okay. Redo any pass relationship which would skip in Y ou I wouldn't skip any of them but if I absolutely had to skip one. Would be oh, man all of them are so important I would probably skipped Miami Beijing relationship just because I. Went into that relationship knowing that it was temporary. And what was the point of doing all that except I did learn a lot. But yes, if I had to pick one that was the most short-lived. Got It. Okay. If I all of a sudden loss, my voice and could not co host, the data will podcast with you who would be your dream co host Ooh me. Is Brand. down. I knew years. Now or would say I mean I would say allies at Trevor Noah. There's a lot of people that are like up there but I think get enough they would do it.

00:45:04 - 00:50:01

Doesn't having to do it any and the. Answer is your dot replaceable. Other you go. That is the right answer. Okay I got one for you. What is the biggest lesson you've learned about? Love if that you can't find love you can feel love and. Love is a V. yelling we can't go out there and look for love in our Amazon Cart, it just doesn't it happen like that and just because you are looking for love doesn't mean that you can find love right away. But love is a feeling in when you feel the love for anything else in your life yourself your pets, your parents, your friends then you open yourself to feel love with a potential romantic companion maybe one more each round. Yeah. Let's do it. Okay. If I did the exit interview with your excess, would you think is one piece of feedback they all say about you? Oh Give, oh. Okay. Well, I was GONNA say to why the DEG feedback but I will say I, think negative is maybe that might to able about texting. Someone the tax like all the time and immediately, and this has been a point of contention with both of my recent accidents. And I mean. I. I guess that's a good thing that that might be their biggest feedback of negative criticism. And Positive I. Mean I think yeah, I think they think I'm very genuine. Think they knew that I deeply cared him up for them. So yeah. Okay. I'm GonNa text all your Going to do this exit interview. My one axes ready to do it tomorrow. He's been. He's been asking for a while to be on the. Dreams may come true. Kate One last question. Okay. My last question for you is what makes you dateable oh? What makes me dateable? I think what makes me dateable is always being open to the idea that I am wrong on something that there is no unlike not married to to very strong opinions about how dating show how love Chicago. So yes, what makes me dateable is that I am open to being wrong. Love it love it. Well, this was a fun new episode far. Bat I mean, we got to end with one takeaway because that's what we do I. Think for me. It's you know we're we're all works in progresses all in evolution just who you were five years ago doesn't mean that's who you are today in your thoughts, your beliefs, your actions, all of that is. Just in motion and I think a lot of it does come down to what you're exposed to I. Think by doing this podcast, both of us have become a lot more open minded and having both of us have tried things with people that we would never have tried before. Milan, move into trying in also open if things don't work out. So I think there's just this. That keeps coming up and yeah, I think that is something that truly makes everyone dateable to be open. That's lovely. That's a really great takeaway. I don't think I want to add to that because it's so beautiful on its own I I would I would just say that being dateable doesn't mean that you need a partner in your life to be dateable you can who date yourself and be a good partner to yourself. Just the other quick thing is I think it's putting the work in both of us put in a lot of work and that work can be therapy that work can be having. mindfulness and really reflecting on things getting clear about what you want. But I do think it's a miss. It's not a truth to just like expect everything to work out with out doing network. So I think that's something I've also learned along the way I. Think I thought for a while that everything would just magically fall in place in you know it can but it also isn't wrong and you can go deeper if you put in that work listen, there are people who've been married. For twenty years, we're still learning who are still fucking it up. So it you just know that this was never taught to us in school. Our parents did not teach us how to date how to be relationships, how to talk to each other, how to care for each other how to love. We're all learning this from scratch, but it's better to learn this with each other than alone. I, love that too because it also I think this whole this is what drives me crazy. There's something. Wrong with you. If you're single, it's like people that are in relationships people that are single like there is nothing wrong with either and it's just whatever cirque. Some of it is locked like who you've met along the way how other priorities of played out in like you said, it doesn't guarantee that that life is like, Hunky? Dory. If you're in a relationship like if you need to do the work, you need to do the work regardless of your status amen to that do the work. Listen to the PODCAST.

00:50:01 - 00:51:25

Thank you for everyone who's listening for supporting US sign up from the sounding board and give us some reviews in apple podcasts. We always love that. We think you're super dateable if you leave a five star rating and podcast for us and come back week after week, we love having you as a recurring character in our lives. So thank you dateable family for all the support you've shown us and we'll be back for another episode. Soon, we're going to wrap that up. A. Little dateable podcast is part of the FROLIC podcast network. By more podcast, you'll love at frolic dot media slash podcast want to continue the conversation I follow us on Instagram facebook twitter with the handle at dateable podcast tag as an any post with a Hashtag, stay dateable and trust us we look at all those host. Then head over to our website database podcasts, dot com there you'll find all the episodes. As well as articles videos in our coaching service with vetted industry experts, you can also find our premium bligh series where we dissect analyze an offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums also downloadable poultry on spotify apple podcast, Google play, overcast stitcher radio, and other podcasts platforms. Your feedback is valuable to us. So don't forget to leave us a review and most importantly remember to stay home.