Season 10 Episode 8: Quarantined from Fuckboys w/ Shallon Lester

00:00:00 - 00:05:03

The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world. Hey everyone welcome to another episode of dateable a show all about modern dating in the time of Krona virus. Of course these are special episodes. Were doing where Julie I cannot be in the same room to record zoom zoom and not sponsored by zoom by the way they are sponsored by every podcast right. Now let's so true. It's so weird to be recording not in the same room as you. I know we're only on week three of this but it just feels so odd because we're in the same city less than a mile apart but I know he has to be virtual but You know what I actually found out about. Today is a new David gap but came on. The scene of ood quarantined together. And it's just was released yesterday so it's like brand new. They're taking applicants. But I think what's hilarious about it? Is that in order to get a match? You have to say that you've washed your fans and you've been away from people and then you can get a match. Oh my gosh wait is sponsored by the CDC or something the CDC came out with a dating no. I think it's probably just a lot of bored. People are working on a side project right now as Mike Gas. I mean I think that's cool because it's very timely but I also think what's going to happen after we're all quarantine are they out of business. They'll move to another staying relevant stake relevant. I guess now better time than ever to launch some new dating APPs because everyone's searching for what else is out there to facilitate connections. I guess yeah exactly what's been going on in your life. You know being on phone calls. Zoom calls the usual. I've been cooking a lot. Which has been really great editing podcasts? Yeah I think we'll get to it in this week's episode but I think there's something nice about having the alone time to it does let you reflect on. Just what's been going on in what changes to make and all that and surprisingly haven't been I kind of got over that Hump of feeling like Oh my God. I'm here by myself to not feeling that lowly like yes some alone but I feel like I've had a lot of interaction which has been good. You know just every day at a time I try to keep remembering like there's really a lot worse stuff going on like on the front lines so I'm just lucky to be where I am right. Now that's the mentality of trying to keep you know. There's something really empowering to figure out how do your life remotely Not just work but just your entire way of life very freeing to me to know that once we adapt to this new circumstances this new situation that eventually we can all just take our lives remote. You can travel for months in a year but still keep in touch with your friends and family and still do your work and still feel like you are part of society so anything. We're getting there. Anything really good social experiment. How is the last week been for you? It's been really great in terms of just compartmentalizing my time to know that. I work from nine to five. And that's it you know it's really hard to shut off when you're at home and to make that separation between work and not work. So I think you have to like consciously make that separation and what I really love is our facebook group. If you haven't joined your love in the time of Corona by the dateable podcast. It's a private group. Were having some really interesting conversations in that group and also just seeking support from each other knowing that we're not in this alone and that we can support each other through all of it's been great making some of those connections in the facebook group and you know yesterday I went to join this virtual dance party with us. Dj that's local. He's really good. Any at Andy Brody in Oh Adam Brody Hook Shit. What's his name. Sorry I thought it was fantastic. There were like eighty five people on the home and everybody got dressed up and everyone's like bugging in their house and it went on for hours.

00:05:03 - 00:10:02

It was fantastic and you out some really sick beats. It was wonderful and I sit in the facebook group. There were two people that were flirting with each other in the chat group but they were like in the private chat each other but they would mention each other's name in that public chat and then they I think they really hit it off. It will funny. It was like an organic connection. Well I think the facebook been really interesting to see how people are coping with this in different ideas like someone sent over like thirty six questions to kind of talk to either your partner or someone that you're with either in person or remotely and I thought there was just some good ideas of date nights that people have been talking about or date ideas. So Yeah I've been really excited to see what others bring to the table and kind of just get those perspectives. Yup please. It's a private group so we make sure that it's well curated. And all of our content is also relatable and relevant for. What's going right now so find us? It's called love in the time of Corona by the dateable. Podcast something else. That's been on my money. Julie is money Yup Yup. I think that's on everyone's mind. I love the stimulus bill. That's great that's being passed but also what about future I mean. I am really grateful that we encountered our sponsor empower that Julian. I have both been using which is an APP that helps you off save. So you don't have to think about it right now. It's been a really good time to have one of these because yeah like you mentioned not. Everyone's even seeing the money from that bill. And even if you are it is time to think beyond just that lump sum. So what I really about empower is that feature that lets you just. Kinda set the budget that you want in. Stay on track of that every week. Especially right now. I feel like we haven't been going out or doing any activity so I kind of have been just taking the money that I typically spend on that in putting it in from power to go into savings mode a bit more. Yeah I feel like my empower account is really robust right now. Because I didn't realize how much money I spent on going out and drinking and another part that I realized I'm saving on is the commute. Just the lift rides and the Uber Rights. You're not sacrificing that money. That money is not being taken away from you. It's just money you would have spent anyway and being put into a savings account so if you WanNa get on board with us you can download the APP as well in the APP. Store play store. It's it's spelled e. m. p. o. w. e. r. over six hundred fifty thousand. Other people have downloaded it. So you know. It's legit and for listeners. Of dateable you get five dollars when you use the Code D. A. T. b. l. e. just visit empower dot me slash Dat AB L. E. For MORE DETAILS COOL WALL WHILE. I think this is the perfect time to be having any savings type sponsor some glad that this worked out and other than finances in addition to finances it. How do I not murder the person I'm in quarantine with well? I think this is a funny story too. And this is definitely a highlight of my week and our guest that we have on this episode. Shallan Lester she also does a highlight of weeks. That made me super happy but she. She's someone that we've been wanting to get on the podcast forever. She has this like crazy popular youtube channel where she cut a dishes about celebrities in ties. Their love lives back to Advice for the everyday person so she has some really freaking hilarious content but also gets real exchange really gives good advice. I used to youtube personalities. Were just people who gave out content purely for entertainment reasons but SHALLAN 'S FRICKEN legit. Her advice has been some of the best advice I've ever heard. She is so real and she has very opinionated. So that's why we're so excited to have Shallan Lester on the show we've got Shallan Lester on zoom with us to see her on video and she is in her. Fancy targets sweats. But she's wearing hoops achieve classiest intentional. So this is like a look. Yeah it's not just the rock bottom of my life but it's nothing that's how you know when they're fancy sweats is when they match right. It's very intentional. It's very blanche devereaux. Look you know thank you for dressing up for us. This is like my own personal met gala. I'm like this is my moment of video. Is we really need to get dressed from the top like you could be wearing? It's amazing right. Yeah I don't know who Shallan is. Then you've been living on Iraq because she is a very popular youtuber. She currently lives in New York. She's been there for twelve years originally from Irvine. She's in her early thirties. Pretty single but also has been taking a dating sabbatical.

00:10:02 - 00:15:02

I guess when you're quarantining you kind of have to do that too. She's a she's a popular youtube. Who tells it like it is and breakdown? Celebrity relationship scandal psychology to see what lessons we can all learn and give you this. No nonsense vice enroll world tips on everything from dating APPS and players to family in France. And Fuck Boyce at your ultimate. You're an expert on fuck boys. I know I'm like the fuck away whisper. I know what to do with that. I feel like that's how I found you. I swear I really did a Google search and it was like shallow blaster. Shallan your SEO is on fire. Shout Lester. I googled myself and a son. You so you want to go out and we own terrible traits and came to you. She's not looking about five boys. She's also an author former columnists at Glamour and New York. Daily News Editor of Star magazine in my seat at girl and the host of girl on tap podcast where she answers your questions about love less life and lip glass in the Lib Glass. No local down put up. Matt look impotent. She's also if you guys have to check this out as she's been hosting a daily quarantine dating advice. Livestream her Eugene and downs advice and how we started to each other was basically howdy not murder. The person that you're in quarantine with so I we should establish who are you currently in quarantine what I'm pointing with my mom which is good. Because she's the best and houses better than my New York City apartment in Brooklyn so because I work from home and I know you guys do what I do. It's like is this that different from my regular life. It is not an does that say about. How may I love those means? That's like the Corinthian life. Nope this is my normal life. Nothing's changed at all. Yeah it's like I can't wait to get back to New York but you're in La right now right or Orange County in Orange County with the sand so irvine. Yeah yeah a cool. My parents live in a Leo. So we're very very close you. I had a choice of you there. Quarantine with them or being back up here in San Francisco so we could have been neighbors at some point. You will see me anyways. We could've gone to. The spectrum likes to found a way to each other so we come down the ferris wheel. You'd be the checks. Each other would have been so romantic. Let's be honest you guys would have been on this exact same zoom that. We're under sure like being quarantined with your mom is great. How do you deal with one person? Twenty four seven is always going to be hard. No wonder no matter how wonderful they are. So what are some ways that you're trying to like not kill each other right now definitely having individual schedules you know like she's an early riser. I'm more of a night owl. And so she gets up. She has her alone time in the morning. And then I have my alone time at night and I think that's really crucial words like you can. Just watch what you want. You can do what you want. 'cause I live by myself and shields by yourself. A lot of us were quarantined with people who are working time and some isn't working at all you know and so they're Likud when you do your colors and you're like like I have to do my work so yeah it's good to be like. I work from eight to noon and then I take an hour lunch break and that's when I can hang out with you and then I worked for one two three or whatever you know because my mom. She's retired so she's got her little house projects but I'm like I'm sure for you. Guys to for content creators. This is like our super bowl like we are like keeping people from jumping off a cliff in keeping everyone entertained. So I'm just things out. It's good for me the night before to be like okay. This is my schedule tomorrow. So we can have lunch between here and here and if. I am busy if I'm in my room with my door shut. I'm not just like ignoring you. I'm doing work you know and they WANNA come out of my room. It's like hang time and so it helps no one like V. neglected and it gives other people a chance to have their own schedule as well and that's really crucial because otherwise the emotional load is too much for people to bear. I think especially if you're in like a dating relationship like you can't be your boyfriend's absolutely everything right now even though he might need that and want that. And if you fall into that pattern it can be very very difficult to get out of it. Yeah especially to two people working from home. There's a lot of video calls that are happening. I think you've kind of established like different space from your boyfriend. I think that I mean obviously. If can if you're in a studio that might be a little harder right. Yeah so it does depend on your living situation but I think as much as you can. Divide this up into office work areas. That could help with these two. Yeah I feel so lucky that I have the store and I can just lock myself in here. While he's out in the living room but no joke going to whisper this.

00:15:02 - 00:20:03

I walked out earlier and I was like Baber you doing. He's like I'm organizing our alcohol in alphabetical order. You're like you've had a wall page here. Everyone's GonNa do what they're gonNA do right now. Right when people are in both people are at home and they don't work the same job. It's your own different schedules. So you Kinda have to establish a boundary of some sort somewhere. So what about the singles out there? 'cause I'm kind of on that boat and I have a different set of problems right that. I'm like literally living a load myself. Family lives across. The country economists. The window for that. What are some tips? Have for singles to stay in this time. You know I think this is the great hibernation that we are going through as glick globally and there has never been a time where we are all kind of united in this winter season in terms of like hibernating and an animal hibernates. You don't think that will that's also the time it should be meeting. And foraging for food. You in the animal acknowledged like that's the time. When they like recede they grow. They do what they need to do. And then there's a spring season after that you know and we as People. We don't think that's the case for us but this could be. This is the time where we can set positive habits in our life. Even if it's lossing get in the habit of philosophy as I think either were like on two opposite extremes. It's like I just need to survive and get in my fancy target outfit and then I winning or it's like I need to come out of this with six back and cook bring this in. It's just come out of this on path you know whether it's the philosophy pat. I'm working out ten minutes a day now. Every morning I get up and I stretched and I I do planks. And that's my you know because we have the chance to really focus on what we WANNA do without the distraction of dating and dating off the table for every single person on planet earth. Right now and that's crazy but that means are at the forefront of our priorities and we might not get this chance again I mean. I hope we don't end up quarantined again but like there's a silver lining to this if we look for it and if we really grab a hold of it right what would you say to people that are like hey shallan already on a time crunch like. I'm hitting a certain age and now I've lost like six months of potential like valuable time. What do I do? I mean? It's definitely easy to think that but you know there's no such thing as off schedule everything is on the perfect schedule. I'm a big believer in manifestation and things unfold the way they unfold. And if you the worst thing you can do with dating is approach it from a fear based standpoint you know because that is pure desperation and desperation is the strongest smell in the universe boys can everyone can detect at a mile away. So if you're like I'm not going to meet anyone right around that desperate person but if you're using this time as growth it's not lost time at all you know you don't look at a bear hibernating like you piece of Shit Lazy Bass what it needs to do vans. Spare USER. A on the hinge forbears. You're like no that bear knows what it's doing and it's getting ready for a larger season for a different season. You know so. We can't change that. This is happening but we can change what it means and if we look at it like this is wasted time in its loss loss of loss. All right that's your reality. But if you're like. This is time that I'm going to enjoy myself. I'm going to love my own emotional real estate now and I'm going to feel comfortable with my thoughts and be alone with myself and just enjoy my time. That now dating is not. I gotTA find a partner. It's like what are you bring to the table like more you. You know I enjoy myself. I six weeks alone. I'm good here. What are you doing to enrich my life? You know. It's a good time to reset the people who are in our life that we probably kept in out of like mania. I can't be long. I cannot you know and now if we can lean into this inside of being by ourselves and get comfortable with it. Oh my God. The people who are now going to be in our life are going to be so much higher quality I was GonNa say I feel like after I went through a really terrible break up. I spent a lot of more alone time. Am I taking shrimps myself and really valuing my own time because I realized I had always just been feeling the time with friends and Events and whatever and I was never alone in my thoughts and I'm glad that I had that that like your information back then because I feel like it's cut mentally prepared me for now and I'm not lose your mind and you consciously did that. Imagine all these people who are not consciously doing that all of sudden hit with this mandatory alone time. I think it's it's really shocking for a lot of people who haven't been alone with themselves even if they live with bunch of roommates. Yeah it's like really hard to just be alone face yourself? There's something really powerful in that.

00:20:03 - 00:25:01

It's a great social experiment for all of us to be at right now right and we see a lot of times like people sometimes picked the wrong partners because of the fear of being alone so you can get. Sometimes I would say the majority of the time by the time you know real shallan on your livestream. What are some of the common questions that you've been getting Like why aren't people talking to me like guys that I was talking to? I thought like I haven't heard from him during this quarantine. Why NOT LIKE Z? Doesn't care that's why not like everyone's locked up with their phone or laptop and it. He's not talking to you. It's because he doesn't care and like these data points we cannot avoid logging. Like right you have to look at that like if someone isn't checking in on mute like I'm dating a few people and like they're like texting here and there but no one has been like. How are you are you okay? Is your mom okay? And like you know what I don't forget this shit because you're GonNa want me to come out of hibernation into the spring season and go right back into bed with you. I don't think so I'd also and same with friends if there's no better. I know that you have many tactics to identify deal with buck boys but I feel like this is like a super obvious one. That's coming through right now. I mean seriously if he's not texting you back or if she's not texting you back now like what the fuck are they doing? Obviously they're doing. They're texting other people. So yeah that is that is insane to me that people are still get hung up on that because then they probably look for evidence of this person still expressing interest. Like Oh yeah. They liked my instagram post. Right someone can do it on the toilet. It doesn't count as courtship yet doesn't count as courtship like even texting. You like the boys date they call me. We call we have facetime like and okay. That's good but it's like that can't be the only thing that you're doing and one thing I've realized is how often girls make excuses for boys who don't even have the interest to make excuses for themselves movies. Probably this probably got his. He said this to you. Has He apologized to you? You're just like spewing out these excuses for him and he doesn't even care enough to do that in south like whole back and again it's like we're trying to fill this emotional silence with people and excuses. Whatever and it's like this is such an opportunity to get to take quantum leap in terms of maturity to where we want to be and the world is going to separate from dating point of view into people who didn't do that work and they came out of this eroded and people who did do that work because it is work it is difficult and he came out of it elevated. What about this situation? Someone who says okay. I've been dating this guy. Now. We're in quarantine. He hasn't really checked in. He's not texting me. Should I call him out on it and communicate to him how I feel right now or should just let it go and just take this as a red flag and know that I should just end this relationship calling? People out is tough. It's like closure is something you have to give to yourself because if we could get closure from the people who hurt us if they were that mature and communicative we wouldn't need closure to begin with you know but if you want to call someone out you can but don't do it with hope or agenda you know because what you calling someone out you want them to respond. You want to unsocial. Sorry you want them right. Excuse you've already laid in place for them but if you just need to be like you know what this isn't working for me I would say at after this quarantine is over when they come back. What are you doing what you could have asked? Reid is doing for the last six weeks. You didn't give a block so guess what that's now a two way street right. Well I think it's also a two way street in the sense that you could also reach out instead of calling them out like why don't you just hit up the person that you've been dating and they're doing and no you agree I wait? Let's let's debate it. What are your thoughts? Actually what we say by piece so that I'll have. This is good good. I love the new debates so by third is located is. If you've been dating someone for a little you're not really hearing from them. I always liked to give people the benefit of the doubt one time one time is the key word of this because you don't really know what's happening with them right. Like best case scenario is they're just sitting at home and ignoring you. That actually is best case. Scenario my opinion when it now God forbid they got sick they have a family member. That's sick like real shit happening right now. So I wouldn't want to jump to any conclusions so what I would do is. I'd probably ask them how they're doing. Start the Combo. See what their reception is if they don't if they give you like one word answers don't really ask stuff back then gap. Put THEM IN. Fuck Boy Category. But see how that progresses and then after that. Yeah you don't have to be the one checking in every week. I think at this time we are all trying to not make assumptions. That someone is kind of out there to get you. I would personally would like to lead with giving people benefit of the doubt for step one so let me get your thoughts. She's like not at all. Okay because because listen. I guarantee you when I say this with love. That's not an outlier behavior.

00:25:01 - 00:30:01

It's yours you probably give these guys benefits of the doubt outside of the quarantine. If you look back on on your dating history you can probably say maybe I've been a little too elastic with people. Yes or no yeah potentially. I'm not saying this but but the reason I say that is because it's such a slippery slope you know we're like well now. Maybe now we actually do have a reason to give people the benefit of the doubt but if we put that in our mind as an okay way to treat people who could also the benefit of the doubt they could also be like ooh. Maybe she's going to family member. Whatever worth thinking about boys it's humanly possible that they could be thinking about it and the May as men were not teenagers. They're grown men Alpha Alpha males ostensibly dogs. We want to date. You know like fully formed not like weird Beta males could be like. Hey I'm going to reach out to this young woman who has like parents in a family. Like why do we have to put ourselves out there when they could be human beings and be doing not to us? This is my area and I talk about this with my videos. It's what I call the passive reciprocation like someone will respond to your tax and they'll notice the ball back and you'll have a conversation. Don't answer your call. They will allow you to come over and Suck Dick. Yeah what a treat. But that's not courtship. That's not the same as four record if we remove our efforts. What is left Rhino. And so one day they fade out ghost out and we're like what happened and the truth is nothing happened. They weren't chasing. Then they're not chasing us. Now you know and all these little. What's the big deal? It's just a text. It's just invited. This I lived my entire dating crew like this like I am learning from my own very hard examples but like it seems like. Oh what's the big deal if it's not a big deal? They should be doing it. And if they're not that's data and we have to just let that play out. We have to let out his painful. And like nonsensical is it might be. There's no reason men can't fucking texting is like there's no reason there's no excuse. How do you really feel because I wasted so many years doing this wasted so many years and I want people to not learn from their own mistakes? I want them to arms minds. So tell us about that. I WanNa hear your background and how you came out of it. Yes we can. I give my opinion as I'm GONNA take the Middle Road here and I'm not just being no Hansie but I really think there are two ways to think about this. One way is to think okay. Well if the other person will the man should I hate using the word should but the man shot because there's so many things that women should do. We should shave our legs. We should wear makeup. We should we have a million sheds men have fucking one. They should pursue a nap. And I haven't seen so tolley feel this way too. I feel like the man should the pursuer the courtship a you should reach out. You should feel like I'm taking care of and we don't you don't really care about me at the same time. I think in this climate of metoo. Okay and we've talked about this on our podcast. You the gender roles are very confusing especially for younger men and we have a lot of younger men reaching out to us. Say I actually don't know what I'm supposed to do right grindstone. There should from before and I know the should from now. I don't know how to make the two thirds happen at the same time so it's a should of I should be the pursuer I should be the aggressor and then I should also be respectful and ask for consent and I should back so I can also see right now during this quarantine. Some men feeling really confused. I do want to reach out but should I. I don't know if that's too aggressive. I don't know if that's too sumptuous. Yes I see I see I see allies like if a if a man is trying to tell you that. He's not sure if a text message. Hey how're you doing is too aggressive? He's a fucking liar. That's a lying gas lighting man. Who is turning this around will G. I would chicken on you. But you're such a crazy feminist. I don't know how to act. Fuck you fuck you. Don't say gaslight women who've finally stood up for themselves and be like well I duNNo. You made it so impossible. I guess I just need a job without kissing. I Dunno sure because I don't WanNa touch you because I don't know about consent so you can just touch me. I mean germs are the fastest recovered. It at their kissing so right it is right. I know I had said that when this thing I started I was like here. They come like figure. I do. Think that because of the quarantine we should just let all that let it go. I think we should. I don't I don't mean to be Elsa here but I think we should just literally let it go because who cares about the gender roles Ryanair's about the presumptions if you truly care about this other person how they're doing just reach out with a tax.

00:30:01 - 00:35:00

It's not that hard and we shouldn't be thinking that much about for both men and women so if you feel the need to reach out to someone stop stopping yourself and being like no. I shouldn't because this person should have done it. I like who cares? This is not a game. This is not a race. We're no longer in competition with each other. It's not knee against you. We're in this together against Colonel Virus. So why don't we just unite and just let the wall down yes? We're still animals and a female in the animal. Kingdom that pursues the mail. That's not how it goes and if anything we should use this time to reset our behavior and and like I was saying like it's such a slippery slope. It's like yeah right now. Let's all just come together. Hands across America whatever. But we know we know that that is going to lead into after this quarantine because we were probably doing it before you know. Maybe we're like the girls who cried wolf. It's like all right. Well now really is the time that we can like set aside these games or whatever but the fact is they're not games or courtship and men pursue women women. Have we have our thing that we have to do? We give birth men. Never take off our plate. That's that's just not how it goes so if a man can't even text us and take that off our plate and because we were talking about gender roles and the meat you think if a man is pursuing me that tells me he doesn't understand what it's like to be a woman and he doesn't care he thinks he deserves to be quartered at en- chase the same because we're the same. We're not the same sweetheart. We're not physically as strong as men. We have the pay gap we have laws against our bodies. Men are never going to have to deal with. Were the ones who get raped and beat up. So if he thinks that we're equal he doesn't understand women and I dare say he nipped he doesn't want to and he probably doesn't really like women and I wanna see that I need to see that right on the wall about who I'm dealing with. Anyone can be nice in service of a blowjob. Anyone can be charming for a few dates but if at the end of the day all you should be. You should be coming to me. No no no no no no. That's who you really are so I think there's two guys out there like I think there are the actual guys like you've been describing that are like oh I'm GonNa hit you up in six weeks once ship blows over in. Everything's go back to normal and I'm just too selfish and I think that is a boy. I'd love your your definition of a fuck boy but I think the other side. This is the guy that you and I come into contact with is there. Are these like super clueless? Guys that are meeting made a men. You don't want to date but they exist right so I think all men that aren't making moves are necessarily doing it maliciously whether the guy you want to date or not. That's another story but I think there is a pocket of them. Exactly what you said there. Are Those guys out there? How do you decide if it's that guy or the clueless guy? How do you know? Let's take a moment sponsored generation Tux while during this time. Many plants are being postponed especially the big day for some. We still want to pass along this great offer from them for implants resume again for all you men out there planning your special day generation talks takes away the headache of finding you the perfect talks you simply create your online including your grooms party and everything arrives within fourteen days of your big date at your doorstep generation. Tux offers free home. Triumph Program for grooms you can also get free swatches delivered straight to your door and after the big event you just throw everything back in the box and use a prepaid label to drop off at ups so keep note of this free shipping. Free swatches free home. Try it now. You can save money and time with generation talks checkout generation. Tux Dot com slash dateable and use the code. Dateable for ten percents off your entire grooms party again. That's generation Tux. Dot Com slash dateable and check out with a Code D. E. L. E. now back to this episode. How do you decide? If it's that guy or the coolest guy how do you know? What's the difference between a bad driver in a drunk driver? Nothing in terms of outcome. Nothing they can both do the exact same amount of damage and I didn't mean to doesn't insulate anyone from being hurt you know and like there's fuck boys but channel. I talked about good guys. Suck boys okay. Oh where it's like. They're not a bad person. They're a good guy but they're like you just got twisted about them and for me. A fuck way is someone who treats you like. You're in a different category than you are. There's really only three counters. Friend booty call girlfriend writing. Don't treat me like a girlfriend if I'm booty call. Don't treat me like I'm a friend if I'M A GIRLFRIEND. That's when girls go crazy guys to say because like were making decisions based on reality does not exist. You know. We're going down this rabbit hole thinking we're on one path and we're not jerky guys do that more. Purposefully like the true fuck boys bright but good Guy Fuck. Do it more clueless really you know and this. The result is the same. Our Obsession are broken Harlem fusion with your stupid so it's like being clueless is correctable by. We teach people how to treat us what we permit we promote. I say this all the time. What WE WE PROMOTE? And so if we're taking that call after six weeks of not hearing from someone who what did you just permit and promote unite.

00:35:00 - 00:40:01

So that's why we have to get really really good with ourselves about what our boundaries are and what we will in won't accept and Buchan stick to it even if it means okay. I'm sitting at home now by myself and okay now have to get back on tinder. It's quality versus quantity. You know and when you can't be alone won't quality you won't quantity you know actually really powerful to think about this analogy of driver versus drunk driving. Because for both of them you would not want them back on the road again. So that's kind of like similar to you. Don't want them in your life again. Because that's you don't want them because because if you allow them on the road again they'll keep doing the kind of driving that they do on the road. The course of action is to put them back in driver's Ed. Make sure that there are more educated. But that's not your job to educate I will rehabilitation centers for stupid men. We are not you know but we think that we are because we because I want to be alone with our thoughts and we don't WanNa fix our own issues so oh my God. It's so much easier fixes. That is the definition of independence. I care more about fixing his problems that he cares about fixing them. What can a clueless man do at this point? Where can they seek that education shown? This does you off Google. Fuck boy then shallow. Buster comes even. If you don't think you're just Google and if you're hot one will probably still date you suck on athlete. Come talk to me. I mean you can call guys out like I date young guys like boys. I'm dating or twenty two and that's like my sweets. I love younger boy. Do I love like fresh out of the oven. Like what is it like ten years younger. You're going there so cute. A why why. I've realized that there's not a huge relation terms of age and maturity and like the worst break-up by Adams a forty year old and I was talking about clueless. I was trying to give him feedback me like you can't do this. And he's like I don't fucking care he's like you don't like this all trade for a twenty five year olds. Yikes but it's like the boys who were younger. You give them feedback and they're like. Oh okay like they're still like willing to learn about women you know their shit. They're in school. They're literally learning all day so they're still in college for sharp but I think that's a good point it's like if someone is willing to work with you versus told me that they just know how it is. That's a good sign to see if they're really about boy. Yeah but going back to the driver analogy. I can't get off of it because I'm still on this highway highway like drunk driver. I feel like the onus is yes on the men to get their education but also on other women because other women there are some women who will be like just gopher mile. You're only allowed on the road for a mile and that guy will take that mile stretch five miles and the next would be like it's cool. I know you're bad driver but you can go on the road as long as it's just under five miles and this Fox it up for the rest of the women who come onto this road. They're like no. I don't want you on this road and they're like these other women. Let me drive six miles. You know what I think this goes back. I'm sticking to my original guns on the one. Call out okay. I need drivers licenses all right just like one. Driver's license revoked that shed but I think again. I think people aren't mind readers. That's why it's like you say how you want to be treated. I agree with you. A hundred percent on people will do what you let them. Do I think different situations are more obvious than others like. I think. That's a pretty obvious one like if they've just gone dark in the hit you up at like midnight okay. That's like a pretty obvious. In my opinion I would just ignore that. But I think it's more of these ones that are kind of on the edge that I'm a little more forgiving to at least give them that one out and I'd maybe even just flat out say like hey like I'm a little disappointed that happened in respond. But then after that in a given here what they say like we were talking about earlier your ex. That just was like that's how I am. That's not cool right. But if they're like Oh my God. I had no idea lemmy do this. This and this. Let's talk about it. I think that's a very different reaction and you can really gauge someone. A lot differently. I stand by the one time. Call out. No you're right but what I've learned is like everyone's going to say. Oh Oh cone up you know. And even my do she acts. He didn't flat out. Say I'll trade up but I mean he implied it and at the end of the day. His behavior never changed his behavior number. Change so like yeah. Call someone out. And don't even listen to what they say. It's like just like totally blank. That's why did you it almost the attacks. Because if I'm calling out in real life I get bamboozled by the chemistry his tax. It's like I can simply maude even read the texts and then base it on. Is there a behavioral shift? Because they're just gonNA shuck and Jive and be like. Oh you're Ri- Gosh. Sorry in is the effort maybe like five percent more and then it just goes way back because we have to remember that when someone likes you truly in the right way. None of these things really like no.

00:40:01 - 00:45:03

I didn't know this until I got into a healthy relationship. I wasn't stressing over the text. I was sending. He was leading all the conversations. When I was on the first date. He was planning the second second date planning the third like. Every question in my mind was already answered upfront. And Yeah I mean not like. It's one percent smooth sailing. There's yes there's going to be like. This is what I need. You need underwriting but it was not the anxiety of what do we have to do? How do I have to play this to get him to pregnant neither way? I'm plugged into him right now. He's not really that's the litmus test because I agree and I'm not promoting people to like if people the benefit of the doubt if they're feeling like super anxious. I think it's like if you feel that you say it. You say your needs. Then they don't act on it. I fully agree with like what they say. Actually means nothing but I think having the conversation at least makes them aware and then you can see how they act yet but I agree if you're feeling on edge anxious all the time like listen to that feeling. Yeah because they're truly we don't understand that is not how it's supposed to feel and it sounds so obtuse and obvious but it isn't obvious if that's all you've ever felt in relationship dealing with boys it's like and you hear you watch movies and it's like they break up they get back together and love never run smooth like actually it should. It should run pretty darn smooth for a really long time. So what's your story? I want to hear your story about your passbook boys. How you identify how you changed it. You got into healthy relationships. Old Young and geriatric give it to us. I Like I had gone down all of these paths to like I had. I had done everything that cautioned girls against I had done like times one million and I was so chronically single I would look around my life. I'd be like I'm an author. I'm hugh target hoops. Like I never had a problem meeting guys. Problem keeping gots that would be so corrosive to my self-esteem I'm like. Will they like me until they get to know me? This is horrible looking back on my behavior I was so fragmented as a person. I was Shallan casting role of boyfriend in her life. It's like winter comes through the door Sure you want to do a reading. That's late looking for like an emotional seat filler. And the guys. I will get twisted on like I call. I have a name for people like we all have one. It's a coma hurt locker because it's like this person in which we store all of our hurts and my hurt locker was a professional hockey player and it years to get over years and years because the people we get super fixated on. They're not the people we love him when a date. They're the people we want to be. I don't know how to translate these narrates wick. We do like female the female like girl crush but boys it's like he had his whole life together. He was so humble. He was so hard working. He was so focused and I was literally none of those things as like Brady and lazy. Honey I love you and all of my hurt lockers. They've been boys. It is imprinted on during a really low emotional point in my life like I was married for about a year and I divorced and I met this boy after that I was like. I'm obsessed with you like I couldn't even read moods. Lived and died by whether or not we were talking and it was a horrible manic place to be and it was because I wanted to be him because he was like young and fresh just starting his life and I felt like I my life was over. You know like I felt washed up and terrible. And when I finally stopped running from all of this ceilings and focused truly On my life and did like housekeeping emotionally for myself. Everything started to change you. Think like Oh it's GonNa be a year and a half of Celibacy and daily cry. Everyone now anyways right Caesar. We are not even the people coupled upper getting late. Like right now I have. That makes you feel better. It makes me feel better it now. Dori payment but. I'm glad I'm glad somebody is not but yeah it's like you realize once you just do a little bit of that introspection and like learning a call them like emotional autopsy's going back for situations that didn't work out just like a real autopsy. They're disgusting is awful nauseating to like tear. Something Open really look at it. But that's how you learn after my divorce and after my court locker I'm ex boyfriend Max who've like my fans all about him and he's done videos with me and we broke up last year like off and on and when like re broke up a month ago and and it's been brutal and it's like this is another. We're doing another autopsy. It's not fun. It's it's not fun but like the work has to keep continuing in. After every break-up there has to be learning and because learning as growth but growth is painful. And it's awkward so I've been there myself to but why do you even despite all the growth? You're still kind of going back because of quote a penalty and I'm like learning not like it's because that was what I said what I was talking to my therapist about.

00:45:03 - 00:50:01

I'm like why can't I like? Oh and the obvious answers. We Love Them. And it's like we can't just say it's love and it is but like I was very fixated on fixing all of his problems. This is what I do for a living. You know and I couldn't turn it off and that's always been my role friendships from fixer. And I'm giving you buy an. I just became so it turned into a parent child dynamic no and then it was like I mattie about. His shoelace knitted sweaters on upside down. And it's like this is also something we hear from our listeners. To is that they turn the focus on the other person you know at once this person become the person I want them to be. Our relationship is going to be full lawless. And we hear this from now. We've had one guy who said if I could just show her how perfect I am for her that we be perfect together. It's because he's training that focus on the other person and never will work out great that way because the focus should be on your novel because you could only control yourself. You can't control the other person right. Ironically like the thought of controlling ourself seen so much more overwhelming and controlling that because we have pain when we look at our own issues we have pain in our mind and our psyche that she's function is to insulate ourselves from pain because it costs energy and energy costs us. Food and mating shelter We're like cavemen and so we can control someone else and you have this neutrality. Where it's like well. Yeah far I don't know if I would their parents no skin off my back. We can walk away from those issues cannot walk away from ourselves when we think about examining our own issues. It just seems like this. This hit this bottomless pit. That we're GONNA fall into. We're GONNA start crying and we're never going to stop. I talk about like psychological splinters. Like you get a splinter and you know pulling it outs going to hurt. But you also know that if you leave it it's GonNa Fester it's GonNa get so much worse and you have to just yank it out at least now you're sad and you're in pain in service of healing. There's some sort of point doing not just. I'm in chaos and everything describing hurting over and over and over again I have to. Yank that out. Well I think that's why people are having such hard times right now with the quarantine. I think the people that have done the work that are single on their own. Maybe are adjusting better but there is a lot of people that I've talked to. That are just. I can't go out. I can't go to this event. I can't see this person. This person and this person like damned if people just have like a way more social socia- active ritual than I that damn it's been like two weeks. It has been two full weekends in San Francisco. That we've been on lockdown. It's two weeks like it's not that much and I think it's that sitting with your own thoughts. That is really hard for people. So we found all these distractions so I agree. That now is probably the time where a lot of people will have a chance to do that. Self working it might get really uncomfortable. Yeah it's withdrawal like everyone has vices and whether it's alcohol it's very clear what that biases or it's just social media and keeping yourself busy and that's how I was and it destroyed my marriage it did and because I couldn't just be home with him. I had to be at every event had to be on every red carpet blah blah blah. Who The hell wants to be married to someone like that. That wasn't what he signed up for and he thought he was going to change me and I thought I was going to him and it costs me a wonderful person you know and I was like. I'm not just going to hurt for no reason over this like I'm going to learn something I'm going to grow somehow from this and be okay being alone with myself. I mean there was a lot of other reasons but at least that was something that was coming from my side of the street. That like okay. This is something I can focus on but also a lot of people get out of marriages the first relationship they jump into. They want to apply all of their learnings to to that person. They think well. I learned all this for my previous marriage that I can make this relationship perfect and when that relationship. That's a workout. You feel like a failure. You feel like when when happened. Why did I not apply the learning like the way I wanted them to? That's a good point. It's super interesting. 'cause I feel like to a lot of times people like I really WanNa be in a relationship. I don't have time to date. I feel like we get that over and over and over again and it's like they cannot find time in their schedule to go and meet these days because they have too many events they have too many friends to see. They have too much work to do whatever it may be and I think this is actually causing people to slow down and make that time. I think it's bringing to the surface the importance of relationships because at the end of the that's like who is there for you as your loved ones and hopefully by slowing down during this time people will actually be able to slow down a little in their actualize. Wants things. Pick up to make room for murder right because I mean it's like someone saying i. I really want a good body but I don't have time. I'm like okay. Well I think you've got people say Bill Shaw the time and it's like well how is if you're in a relationship first of all? How are you going to get there? But secondly when you are are you just magically going to have all the time in the world like unless you just literally throw your life away.

00:50:01 - 00:55:04

That's the other thing that's a really good point. It's like a relationship is not just disdain. You wind up and it just goes of itself forever. It's like that to me tells me people are being like I used to be where it's like. I'm casting for the role of boyfriend. I'm the role of whatever it's like. You just need like a person here and we're just going to be here in line and you're like I love dating. I love the ups and downs. Even it's just it's exciting and like meeting New People. Yeah in the best case scenario is oh my. Gosh now this person's in my life more and there's room for them and when people say marriage is work like it is every relationship. Friendships were homework or relationships are work like they just want to go to that. Like level ten. The sweatpants and Netflix level. I don't think they really have the emotional IQ to sustain that so like we'll no wonder you don't have it. You're not putting that's the problem. This is what we hear from a lot of people to that. They they want the family. They want the kids. They want a house with a dog and Blah Blah Blah Blah. Then they're not willing to pay that road to get there so for some reason. I think it's like this idea of like instant gratification. I think our generation is so guilty of this is that we want the microwave affect with relationships we we think this is raw something that's frozen is magically going. Just defrost in the microwave when it comes out. It's going to be ready. It'll be ready for me. That's not how relationships work and that's not how life works in general either so those are just some of the learnings that I think people could really think about while they're in quarantine. Will they want that microwave? Because they're trying to fill a void you know like they don't they think that's what's GonNa make them happy checking a box. It's like being a tourist versus being a traveler. A tourist is like I WANNA like I wanna see the model A traveler wants to plan the trip. Pack the bag explore. They want the journey notches the destination. Because it's like okay. You've seen it okay. You have a husband. Do you think that's the end of your problems? You think having kids means you never stress lights going again ask. Some parents quaranteed on with just trying to serve that. I've told Julia that I was at a wedding of I. Guess it was like a few years ago and there was this really well known tech founder there and he. He has a lot of these like founder friends. Who are all at an age that you WANNA get married all of a sudden? They're done dating instagram models. And they're like ham ready for a wife and he said to. You would make so much money if you can write code for like the perfect White Mike or someone and this is totally serious. Here's a business idea. A Code formula where someone a guy would just plug. He's looking for his personality and would then feed into and it would feed into an airport stumble or tutor and the boom out like a like a machine like a vending machine. Come out with the right person for the perfect person and he said this on top of goes and if you write this code it dispenses the perfect wife for that person. Then they just get married. That's it that's the end they get married and that that's it there's no court shell and this is what we have to deal on the bay area. She's about to lose her fucking by now. I know people like Oh. If you leave York you should go to San Francisco as well as I do. We facially seal but the all knocked Gallon San Francisco give you one year to become that person on the street on your airports just like swearing swearing yourself fuck. I would like slap everyone into shape here. I think you need a for a year. Should pay booth here for year. It's like a tour of duty. The gunman exactly because I think there's a back to the intentional. Fuck boys or not intentional. I think my personal opinion in San Francisco is I would say it's like eighty twenty. Eighty percents not intentional because they're clueless OVERC- Lula and there are. There are the twenty percent that are just like racking up girls right so it's like you either get no one order like the same group of guys that are getting But you should come in all my Gosh Shallan. No I would love to. Just this is this is a goal for next year is to like retreats and. Yeah I wanna the yoga retreats where you feel like you're GONNA GET ABUSED. Elp challenge like I'll do it for a week a year. We line up like twenty guys. She goes down the line. She's like quick. How many days will you text back like five across the hockey next? He's like I don't know I don't Nova should take your fucking shit at order see like well. This is bid what hell of a conversation I think I think my biggest takeaway from all of this is us this time use this time. I love this idea of different seasons for beers like that analogy.

00:55:04 - 01:00:01

You've thrown out somebody out but I think it's a great thing to remember that like your dating life isn't GonNa go away and a lot of times and I found this from experience. The best way to meet someone is to get yourself in the best place of your own personal happiness and it's not going on right after date after date so use this time. I mean there are some people that are trying virtual dates and I think everyone needs to decide what's right for them but if you're not up for that right now league don't feel bad about that either like use your time. Get Your House in order. Decide what you're going to stand for. Yeah turn a corner a little but the quarantine is not an excuse for bad behaviour. I finally you know I mean. I don't think there's like a line but I agree if you haven't heard from someone at all even maybe you sent them the one tax that haven't replied back or sent you a lukewarm message. Do Not fucking regroup at that personnel. Aren't the warranty. This is the time they are seeing. Who is there for you so I guess my other takeaway is even if you're gonNA take my advice of the one time drivers tickets and then I'm GonNa drive or giving them like a warning right? Yeah so I'm going to say if you're going to take that advice still use it as a data point and see what they do with that Lake. The fact that they weren't reaching out on their own yet they don't have a real reason like someone is ill like then. Yeah use that as a data point and also what they do after you reach out use that as data points data points they are and it sometimes it helps to literally write them down because we only tend to want to remember the positive ones. It's like try to approach it neutrally and you can approaching more neutrally. If you like yourself more you know because you now you're looking out for like the shower inc. I'm not I'm looking for my own interest because you can't be half of a whole if you don't know what you are and this is the time to know y'all Also we just need to be more consistent with our actions so that so that we don't train these bad drivers to go back out on the road Two major takeaways for me. One is I love what you said. Shallan the words in service of something because I think sometimes we set our with our feelings. We see. There's no end in sight. When is the sadness loneliness GonNa end but when you put in the context of inservice of something that you feel like you're climbing a ladder that there is? There is an end in sight. So I'm feeling the loneliness in service of me. Fiene feeling free after this confident after this and that we can visualize your emotional ladder of how you can climb your way to your ultimate happiness and this other idea of what you said about dating people who you want to be. That is so fascinating. I never really thought about that. But that's who you want to be someone you admire so of course you admire them person that your day I've been reading. This book called Atomic Habits. James cleared Amir's some of you have read it too. But it's it's a fabulous book all about how your habits can feed into your ideal identity if you are starting to see your pattern of falling for people who you WANNA be. Start WRITING DOWN WITH THEIR IDENTITIES. Because it's not about them. It's about right the so if this is identity you wish to be then your everyday habits should be a vote for that identity when I wake up in the morning and I read an article about this. Is that a vote for this identity. Or is that a vote for another identity? He talks about how you just keep casting votes every day in your daily habits on that for the identity that you really WanNa be. It's a great way to collect data as well to see how you're doing this and it. It's good because that's amazing rate. It's like such a great visualize. That's great and it's all right to fall. Sometimes you'll I want to be the active person. But then maybe today you stay in bed. And you're voting for another identity. Then you know that tomorrow you just have to balance it out right. I really enjoyed that. They really comes from your thought of. Ub with people that you want to be that it's just mind blowing to be. Yeah I think that's such a good point though. Is that like if you're finding that you're holding onto someone because of their qualities like how do you just evoke that within face but like if you could print money at home you would never go get a job else? You print that money home. It's you could print your own self esteem. If you could print these traits at home you wouldn't need to go out and find him other people you would enjoy them when you found them and others it'd be like. Oh now you're my England. I'm not like Steve Around you. You'RE NOT THIRSTY. Like they're they are not the only way you see those traits. You see them every in everything you do for yourself and yeah. I think that really is another.

01:00:01 - 01:05:02

Take away to like. Is this person in equal or do you have this? Like unhealthy obsession with them. Because I didn't that also helps to understand when you should be giving someone the benefit of the doubt versus. That's true. Yeah I think that maybe that is the revelation here because like when you're interrelationship people aren't mind readers right like they could be doing something that is unintentionally hurting you and it is not malicious like. There was another dating coach out there. That used to say his name was Evan Marquette. I don't know if you heard him. He's too sailing all the time. Like if you use your boyfriend. He has your best intentions at heart. Give him the benefit of the doubt if he's not your boyfriend that's a totally different situation. Exactly don't give boyfriend elasticity to someone you're dating right like and maybe that's where the line is and I think it's also like Howard you feeling. Are you generally calm? Maybe they haven't texted you but you're generally calm and you're like well. I know that they really do care versus. You're like in a frenzy right. That's very different Yeah is behavior an outlier? Or is it part of a pattern? You know it's an outlier. It can be corrected if it's like if this is the norm. Yeah and then you have to ask yourself why do I? Why do I allow this to be the norm? Why am I feeling this bad in my desperate is how I felt around my parents? My Mom felt around for my dad. You know is and again that kind of thing feels like bottomless to explore. But it really isn't like even just being aware like once. I became aware of like why I had that codependent thing with my ex boyfriend I was able to back away from it. And it's like okay now. I see that the part of my brain that's telling me to do this is like demon brain deanery. It's not my rational Shallan brain and I'm like okay. Thank you for the suggestion demon brain. But I'm actually not going to go with that. You know and just sliver of of objectivity made all the difference. We broke up but the mud membrane. Deep Brain is horny ninety percent role though. Like are you feeling good like ninety percents or is it like every day? There's a new emotion happening like those are. You can really identify how much of a boy this is. But hopefully totally think they'll one last takeaway that I have is. I love the bad driver. Drunk driver analogy. Just because someone's not aware of what they're doing doesn't make it okay and I think a lot of times we just Abe your. It's Oh he's a nice guy he doesn't he doesn't know what he's doing he doesn't mean if you're not feeling good and again this goes back to what we're saying is a pattern or a one off if it's a one off call it out if it's a pattern. It doesn't really matter what his intention is. No it's not your job to fix him. And that's what we almost like that. If it's a patterns like oh now I get to dig in Jerusalem asks. You can't tell him to go to driver's Ed still let him drive to your house. Every that's just not. He's not doing anything from that. So let him figure out that he needs to go to driver's Ed on his own. Yeah yeah so shallow. You do your daily livestream from three to four thirty Pacific Time every day on your Youtube Channel. Gut wants to tune in. And you're GONNA be doing this for the foreseeable future. Yeah I took like the last day or two off just because I needed to reset and but I'm still doing my daily videos on light. Love is blind the Kardashians Ellen and like what we can learn from from people like that. I I forgot to say this at the beginning. The whole reason we started talking and did the lab is because these are taking posted the occasion video. You guys thought. Oh you're kidding kidding. I was like I told Julie's that I didn't think you were kidding. A shootout you're kidding. She's like rejoice hurts us. She wants to elaborate on it like I think she. I think she was really mad by those two instagram. People getting engage ridiculous. Hey We got you. The plan work around works. I feel right as you try to get you on the podcast for some time. Now we've hit you up a few times so I got you. We traveled will now. He's game playing really word. That was the whole point of that post mission accomplished but for anyone. That doesn't know your Youtube Channel. You cut ton of tell people where they can check it out yet just my name. Shallan Lester on Youtube and who follow me on Instagram? Cameo Antique. Talk at Shaolin Expo. And My podcast is called girl on top. And if you guys have a question and you WanNa like we want to one. I answer individual questions on my website. Shallows your interested in the Shallan bootcamp worship kick. You let us know. We're GONNA start a wait list right now. Yeah and if you don't want to be in the boot camp and you are also slide into my idea I love it. You're all against fuck boys unless thirty one and all the ALLSTONE STONES.

01:05:03 - 01:07:35

I mean because you know what you got to back it up. So you're GONNA be a douchebag you have to be hot. That's the horny demon is talking again but I think that is like on a closing note. I think it is a good lesson for all men right of. How would a woman be feeling right now? Can you put yourself in their shoes? Whether it's intentionally trying to fuck someone over or totally clueless can you take a step back? Be like okay. I'm not getting the dating results. Want is it me because I feel like a lot of people. Play the victim mentality right. It's like yeah well I know women like me and it's like wait. Could I just put in ten more minutes to better understand women to ten more minutes complaining that no women likely right? It's like a human being a human being and like women are constantly giving feedback. We are constantly talking sharing our seal. It's like maybe just in service sweet. Okay we're going to wrap this off. Thank you so Michelle on for being on dateable. You are. Thank you Dr Riot. You're unstoppable. We Love You. We love you learn on top. That's how it's her world. We live in interest me with like long nails pink pled. It'd be like Shallan with tentacles tentacles and who various we okay. We're going to wrap this up a little dateable. Podcast is part of the FROLIC podcast network. Find More podcast you'll love at frolic dot media slash. Podcast want to continue the conversation. I follow us on Instagram. Facebook and twitter with the handle at dateable podcast tag as an any post with a hashtag stay dateable entrust us. We look at all those then head over to our website. Dateable PODCASTS DOT COM. There you'll find all the episodes as well as articles videos and our coaching service with vetted industry experts you can also find our premium y series where we dissect analyze and offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums. Roseau downloadable for free on spotify apple podcast Google play overcast stitcher radio and other podcast platforms. Your feedback is valuable to us. So don't forget to leave us a review and most importantly remember to stay dateable.