Season 10 Episode 7: Six Feet Apart: Dating on Lockdown

00:00:00 - 00:05:06

The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world. Hey everyone welcome to another episode of dateable a show all about modern dating also a show all about modern dating in the time of it. Krono virus pandemic here. Oh my God yeah Shouli. How're you doing? I have not seen you actually. I did see you for a moment yesterday. But we couldn't be an ye closer than six feet apart so I saw you but hard. Doing I feel like I've been seeing you a lot through video. So that's been like our new go-to but you know holding up there. I think it's definitely a scary time for everyone. I don't think he wants to say it's not. I think I was doing okay. Thank Friday I got a little freaked out a little bit because I think also right now someone that single and living on my own. I think before it was awesome to live on my own. And I'm like Oh my God what if this is like the reboots and I'm living on my own and I've cut abyss the window to like take a flight back to my parents house across the country right so I think that part's a little terrifying Obviously the more terrifying pieces getting the actual virus in everything. That's happening some trying to keep it in perspective. That things still aren't bad right right. Well I think I'm excited though. They do this episode today to hear how other people are kind of coping with this especially people that are single instill trying to use this time to date and love to hear from you and how you're doing because I think you're in a little bit of a different situation that is challenging in different ways of being with a partner all the time right. It's such a wild time because we had no time to prepare for this even though my relatives in China were on lockdown for months. I just didn't think it would happen to us. You know I didn't either didn't even occur to me to prepare for it mentally. Prepare for it and all of a sudden it just hit. I feel like it hit overnight. We had to make a lot of decisions really really quickly and I remember telling you last week at a choice of either staying with my parents or staying with my boyfriend and that's a that's a pretty hard choice to make. Where whatever choice you make you have to commit to it for. Who who knows how long so just the fact that none of us are hair for. This is what's shocking. And we're only on week to here so about like in three weeks four weeks to months. I don't know I don't know if people are going to get crazier or they're going to be more mellow I am not. I'm not sure I I'm wondering if like right now I'm feeling out on my own but in a couple of weeks I might actually be happy. I think there might be the reverse that people are going to get on edge with each other but also maybe it's just you just adapt to it. I mean I think the part that has put in perspective is like how important loved ones are during this time and how to really embrace loved ones whether that's you have them in your proximity or just doing video calls and doing other ways to stay connected with them. I think that's really important. I've been talking to a lot. I mean my family daily friends all sorts of people on the phone and video. So that's definitely been helpful to stay connected a so. I read this article in The Washington Post today about how to curb loneliness. During this time the basic takeaway I got from. It was established some sort of daily routine. So I'll act like you're you have the slice outside home and one way to do that as one schedule. So you have a wake-up time you like actually get ready to go to work so maybe like brush your hair your own hands but also just designating space in your apartment or House so for me. I live in studio so I really have to get creative and say this couch is four social media. This desk is for office work. And this is purely for sleeping so you go to these different spaces. You know what your goal is there. They also said make a couple of goals so they suggest contacting at least two people a day game making time for yourself for at least ten minutes a day whether that's meditation or just reflecting on the day and then making ten minutes to give to someone else so whether that's donating or think about how you can reach out to your community. Spent him doing that every day. And this will definitely curb that loneliness that everyone starting to feel right now. Yeah I think that's a good point too about if you are in the situation of being with a significant other that you might not have spent every waking moment with right now.

00:05:06 - 00:10:03

We're I mean I've talked to friends with like kids and significant others and they're also feeling it because they're not used to be around people all the time. It's a lot in. Its managing your own anxiety but also others so I think what you said of taking that personal time whether you're alone or with people it's really important. So what's been really interesting for me? Is You know. I've been with my boyfriend for year and half and we haven't set the l word right when you and I have talked about this and I've been like why is this. I don't know why this isn't happening. And the last time I said it to someone was in two thousand nine so it's a really really long time and so I remember telling you Julie like I don't know if I'm capable of loving and you're like well you love Mojo so obviously yeah. Yeah that's true but when I realized with our time quarantined together is usually when we spend the whole weekend together. We feel like it's limited time so we use that time to be active. We're like out and about walking. The dogs going to restaurants but now we don't really have those options. We have to spend our time. Talking last night we reshoot breakthrough. Oh Na and we said it could grab exciting like quite the breakthrough. Because I guess it's been something that's been on his mind for a long time and he's talked to his friends about it. Obviously I've talked to you about it but for some reason there's something holding us back and we just couldn't say it and last night you're just felt so natural and Yeah it was it was. We needed that time to just be present with each other and just hash things out instead of just distracting ourselves with activities. Yeah I mean I think that's like maybe the benefit of this is that you are kind of really devoting time to loved ones and a really focusing on each other and letting this stuff come to rise whether it's the good stuff like that or in a negative situation if there really is a problem putting it out on the table and either resolving it and figuring out a move forward. I just think this is the ultimate social experiment. Can you survive the lockdown? Because it's not just about the krona virus and protecting the spread of it but also confronting yourself confronting like the issues you've had within yourself in with other people because there's no there's no escape you really just have to say okay. We need to work on these issues. It's now or never there's nowhere to go. There's no where we know order Rod. Yeah no it's it's definitely an interesting time because I think also it also brings up feelings of pass loved ones too like I think checking in on XS and talking to them and is that like a comfort because of the time or is it also putting into reality. What's important in life? And maybe things that seem trivial before or felt lake dealbreakers. Maybe when you're really faced with Ning okay I wanna do life was somewhat. Maybe they're not that big a deal. I Dunno it's a little hard to like figure out we're thing emotions are coming from right. Now that's the part that is challenging when it comes to love and dating and relationships is is a lot of this coming from fair or is it a lot of it coming from slowing down and figuring out what's important if if this truly was the end of the world and we only had one week on earth then it'd be really easy for us to make decisions a WHO who we want to spend that last week with right because you don't not going beyond that week but because the thing is so unpredictable we can't say well obviously not the end of the world but we don't know how long the Corinthian lockdowns going to go on for so the end of it it's really unpredictable. And so that's I think that's the hard part yeah well. I'm glad that we're able to talk to some data to their experience. I think we definitely want to do an episode. Because it's it's tough because I think in all of this dating is not essential right. It's not essential in the sense of life and death but is essential insanity and human connection and feeling that so I think it is still top of mind for people and also the fact that it's a couple things I think like you just said you don't know how long this is going to be if this was like. Oh we know it's going to be three weeks and then it will be done. I think people might just put pause on their dating lives and focus on themselves and learning some new skills and doing productive work whatever it may be but if this becomes the new normal like who knows how long ago on. We can't just pause our quest for romantic love completely either if anything.

00:10:03 - 00:15:02

This is the best time to do it. The main complaint we hear about online dating is that people are so busy. Oh He's on a business trip. Oh she's travelling at branch. I can't call you back. I'm really busy this week. Unless if you're a healthcare worker you have no excuses but to focus on your love life and to focus on the people. You're talking to literally. There are no excuses now. Well if you get sick. That's the excuse that you just still hit Chad. If you're sick it is tough though. I admit like I want to use this time but I've also been a little on edge so I think like the thought of using dating APPs to find someone new in maybe that is also why I'm seeking comfort in past loved ones because that intimacy is already there too and but that I will say it has definitely helped to have loved ones. Let you talk to regularly. Whether that's a romantic loved one or family and friends. Yeah it'll be interesting for me how it goes past week one of this because I think right one. I've had trouble being like a mall in for data gaps. When there's so much on my mind tell me about this. Virtual speed dating thing you went to. Oh Yeah I did so I. This is more for dateable expert. Good bet but friend of ours messaged me on Friday. It was like hey do you WanNa do this. Virtual speed data through zoomed tonight and honestly normally. I'd probably never do they never but I was like you know what I'm just curious like. Yeah people organ interact with each other and it was definitely out of a place of curiosity and I did. It was fun like I got my mind off of everything for a little house. Which was I think there were twenty. Total twenty two like eleven girls. Eleven guy pretty good. Yeah I think it was a good amount of people and they basically had zoom had private rooms and they would move you. In different private rooms there are few technical glitches but overall it. Well if you get one point I was like with someone for two or three sessions. Because they didn't move US along he was Super Nice. Admittedly I didn't feel like a connection to anyone. Never some people then like I am not totally opposed to meeting again. But I wasn't like Oh my God. I need to like continue this conversation. I think it could have been a couple of things one I think. Speed dating in general is not the most conducive to meet people so speed dating kind of like this archaic thing. That is now coming back. Maybe that's an interesting dating prediction But I think also the video piece while it's helpful will dive into this a lot more in depth on this episode. But it's helpful because you see people and it gives you a human connection but it's just not the same fully. I think people are starved for human connection right now which I think we need to bring back. Chat Roulette do remember that just meeting random people around the world and have conversations except for the guys that are showing off their bags like that cool all the other ones that randomized connection is really interesting. Something we can do virtually and I like this idea of speed dating. I think it would be even better if it wasn't in us a dating context. Maybe it's just like it would make less awkward because you and you and I know that anytime you put dating around any event it just gets super awkward for some reason. No this wasn't that off. No actually felt like the awkwardness level. Wasn't that bad. You kinda just felt like is everyone's opening line was like how's your alley. So it kind of is actually like a nice outlet to like. Just talk to people with no expectation. I think if anything it just didn't foster at least like a strong connection per se but it was something to do that gave you a chance to take a break from potentially the same people you're talking to every day and kind of just see how others are coping. I thought it was super interesting. That most of the people on the chat lived with a bunch of roommates. So I think I was. Maybe one of the only people that live solo like one guy live with forty roommates I. Mike. How're you social distancing? What if I don't know I don't know he lifted Silva with forty people and I'm like if one person in your house gets it. Us AW getting it and why do we need to speed dating? You have more than enough people talk to you and your household but it was. It was like cut. It goes back to being with people this time and I think a lot of people were super thankful for roommates single people that don't necessarily have a significant other or partner. They can rely on but have roommates given that you and your roommates get along. Well that's GonNa say there are other people that were kind of like.

00:15:02 - 00:20:01

Yeah we're just trying to like by Dr Space in wish we like. Boris Space Dow just all atop for them. And all the Stop. It could go either way for sure and I'm also curious to check it with those people a month in not one weekend right. Exactly you're going to be different with couples. Add with people with a month in. Maybe even if you're living alone go either be in the groove or you're going to be delirious. Yeah time well I don't know or both on Larry along I'll be like sitting talk either. I saw with a beer. You don't I found that if you just had projects for yourself you'll be fine. The good news is we have more than enough. For example. We're still in. The middle of our love is blind. Experiment where move that out. One guy with three girls. He's he spoke to all three of them on the phone for three day street and he picked one recently to go a to go on a date with and I. We don't know how that ended but we're going to get them on a post date interview here soon. Yeah look for that in the upcoming weeks. It's definitely coming so good. It's so good from the little that we've heard from them. It's so good Of I got what I like. This is so amazing we need to do a zoom speed dating blind date thing. Oh Yeah I mean. That could be a later episode. I feel like we've been maybe. This is some of our coping mechanism. I don't know about you. It's definitely helped me to see your face zoo. Yes and do this and I feel like we've been cranking out episodes and we have some really good ones coming up so some of the people we've had trouble scheduling. Maybe that's the silver lining that they're all suddenly super available. I still loved if you looked our instagram. Recently Julie had to hand over a Mike to me over the weekend so we did one like one of those sixty two par. Stay away from me. But here's the here's the item. Leave here I'm coming in you. We're closer to you. It was it was like so weird so weird but I guess that's our new normal now and something else I've been thinking about is just like finances in general the stock market tanks. Oh my God just do horribly. And everyone's freaking out about that. I lay off the lay offs. Terrible you know. People really losing their jobs. I thought it was more just like in the beginning. People were losing their jobs but now people are losing their jobs as the days. Go on so it's just GONNA keep happening. Unemployment is so having that like rainy day fund is so important. What a good segue not true coming from an Asian household we've been told haven't rainy day fund since we were like one. Jewish exactly so I feel like it's ingrained in us but it's still good to know. There are tools out there to help us save for those emergencies and empower one of our sponsors is one of those apps that you can use to build emergency savings fund. So in case you've been putting this off. This is the time to do it. I don't know if you're not doing this now. Then when are you going to do this right? I think? What's really cool about them to is that they have actual live coaches. That can help you. Let's be honest like we're all little freaking out even if we have a rainy day fund. So it's really helpful to have this APP that you can start saving and then having someone that you can talk to within the APP and empower dozen way where you don't feel like they're taking money away from you. Which is what some of the other apps make me feel you basically set like a weekly goal. I WANNA say four hundred dollars this week. When empower does is that they will move the money into an account to reach your goals. And then they'll keep track of your spending so basically every dollar that you save with empower just goes to this emergency fund or whatever. You're saving for If this idea of building up your savings account in increments not just like all of a sudden losing all that money right. So let's talk about how people can find empower. They can go and download the APP from the APP store. That's empower emp. O W E R and for dateable listeners. You can get five dollars when you use the offer code dateable does visit empower dot me slash dat Ab l. e. for more details. Yeah six hundred. Fifty thousand people downloaded it so it definitely excited to be using this right now savings. Save up it's not a rainy. Day Fund is the Corona Day Fund. Seriously okay. Well should we hear on a more positive topic of how people are making the most of their dating lives Stu it. Let's hear from Sarah. She is currently living in San Francisco. She's been here for six years. Originally from Palo Alto.

00:20:01 - 00:25:01

She's thirty five. And here's our current relationship status. She's hooking up having fun single and actually be going on dates and dating someone haven't defined the relationship onto I love that is so modern dating and her experience with dating has drastically changed During this pandemic time. So what's here from Sarah Sarah? Let's just get right into it. What has your experience been like during Corona Virus and dating? Well I I don't want to minimize like there's a lot of really scary and intense shit going on in the world but for me this has been like a bright spot. I would say not being able to meet. People in person has forced us to slow down and just like really get to know each other. I'm noticing more Whitfield's like just like authentic conversation. We're just like kind of scared. And don't know what's happening in the world so it just kind of breaks down some of the walls that usually take a little bit longer also means I have to delay physical intimacy which. I'm usually not good at doing the. What's an example of like a conversation that you had? That's been a bit more vulnerable. Well okay. Here's one yesterday. I had a second date over video with someone and as we were talking. He paused any said. I'm really nervous and uncomfortable right now. I'm not used to being on video. Feel like I'm rambling. I don't feel comfortable. I can't look in your eyes. I stopped in the moment like thought through what was making him feel nervous and uncomfortable and we just talked about it and it was incredible and once we had that conversation feels like the dynamic released shifted and we could just be natural and comfortable because and he said at the unheated thanked. Me Is a thank you so much letting me have that moment of feeling uncomfortable and I sort of explained this concept of like holding space. He'd never heard that and I was like I just hell that space. I didn't feel like I needed to fix it. Can you elaborate on that holding space? I'm not sure if I have a technical term for it but it's Humans I think we have a natural tendency to want to fix people's problems to react to share our own feelings in re reaction to what they're saying. Oh I know exactly how that feels or it can relate or zones really tough holding spaces kind of removing all of that and just listening and kind of allowing the person to just share. What's on their mind without doing any of that responding so Sarah? Walk US through okay. So Corona virus hits. What's changed with your like day to day habits on APPS? Was there a change? There wasn't a lot of change I would say I'm actually not swiping as much and using the APPs as much because I feel like I've already made a few connections and those ones are getting so good that I don't usually. I'm like I'm the toilet. I think right and left and trying to meet as many people as I can and like. Oh made date on Tuesday and then Thursday and then Friday in the next Tuesday and this I like everything in life has slowed down including I feel like this need to meet a bunch of people because I can't meet them in person anyways. I might as well just sort of cultivate and deepen the relationships that I already have. You know what I think is really missing from what the major changes with dating right now. Is that feeling of eighty. Because when you're like talking to someone over an APP or through text you're anxious about win there and ask you out or you're anxious GONNA win. You'RE GONNA meet up in person but now all night anxieties stripped away because there is absolutely it's beyond our control to meet each other so everyone's like I feel like everyone's pausing slowing down but also just removing that anxiety and saying we're all in the same boat together and obviously we're in no rush to meet each other in person so let's just take our time getting to know each other right fantastic to hear because that's what mindful dating really is. Yeah and Sarah a use of the few connections that you're trying to see how they blossom these people that you had either matt or talked to before Corona virus or did they like. Is it someone you actually started interacting during all of this pandemic? Well there's four people it's kind of a combination of all of those things I think. Actually three out of the four. I had connected with right before this happened but we hadn't had a chance to. I've only met one out of the four in person because I I've met him a little bit earlier and the rest. It was right before this all started happening. We just continue to talk. And of the connections that you've made after this whole thing took off. Were any of them. Hesitant to move things forward. No it sort of seems like the opposite. They WanNa talk more day. Texts me every single day.

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We just like we're sort of in more active communication though there is like frustration and disappointment that. But it's really nice. They're actually expressing like I'm really excited to meet you. Someone actually texted me the other day. He's like yeah. I'm feeling this torn because I really WANNA get close to you but it's also frustrating because I don't know how do you at this point how to get closer to you because we can meet so okay. So what creative zoom dates have you had said zoom out your choice? I've actually only had one zoomed eight and it was yesterday. Ooh But it went well and so now I'm thinking okay. The first one was sort of boring not boring. It was amazing but we didn't spice it up in any we're just talking and that was actually amazing. We didn't need any extras or creativity. Because it was a I I made actually like seen his face moving. And it's better that I felt like I got a better sense of him than I had over the phone. But I've been thinking like well. What are we going to do for next state like ways? Like make it more creative and interesting. I've heard people like cooking together or glass of wine or yeah. There's board games or all sorts of think you know the the other thing about video dates is that you cannot turn your attention away from that person. You're on a call. You can look around and play on your computer on video you really have to be present and be involved in the conversation so it feels like the conversations are getting deeper and they're just getting more intentional. Think phone to there. Is something really intimate about phone like if you do have your undivided attention to it? I Guess Sarah Question for you so you said one of them. You had already met ahead of time the others. You didn't know what they looked like at all besides their photos and you did phone calls with all of them and then you've brought one to zoom cracked and then the guy that brought zoom. How did that differ from your impression of him beforehand? He was a lot like I expected him to be in a good way But I just I felt I could feel him more than I personally could over the phone Sort of seeing his facial expressions and the way that he smiles and actually I also feel like I learned more about him because he was a guy I contact is really important and I'm having trouble finding is in this video. It's kind of romantic thinking if we were sitting at a bar you know we'd have all those interruptions like someone would Take our drink order or I'd get up to go to the bathroom in yet like you're saying that's all removed in so we were so focused on. Hr Out at first and for a while for the first fifteen minutes he was really nervous and then we just kind of pushed through that discomfort. And then we're able to have like a really amazing conversation. I read this really interesting article today. That said people are lonely during this time. Not so much that they're all of a sudden lonely it's because they're all of sudden feeling the loneliness and that just really means for so long. We're distracted by everything else. Even when you are lonely you can find ways to distract yourself from that really quiet alone with your thoughts and these are the loneliness really bubbles up. And that's where people's need for connection really comes in and that's where they shed their walls and show a level ability. Yeah I mean I think also like having a pandemic or something that's like actually like vital to society does show you that the end of the day like work everything else. The thing that really matters is being around loved ones and yeah I think it's definitely maybe making people reprioritised different things. It's like how do you it's going to be interesting to see what happens after all this passes like if people go back to their old ways or there is false intimacy because of all these like the time that we're into right like there's also That people might be longing for things even more than they would so connections could be made that don't end up working out so it's GonNa be really fascinating to see what really happens. I have a question for you to what you think is going to happen in terms of people dating multiple people. Do you think during this pandemic people won't be juggling more people that are dating online or they'll be dating less. I guess for myself I feel like I'm dating fewer people but then connections are better because I thought about this like when I go usually try to meet them as quickly as possible in person. 'cause we're not able to do that. I realized I usually don't chat with people very much before I meet up with them. So I'm you know when I meet up in person I feel like I'm making a lot of very quick. Judgments about the miss specially.

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Do we have a physical connection? And if I don't feel that instantly I tend to just and the date never see them again so because I am not able to make immediate judgements about people I feel like I'm more open to giving them a chance and getting to know them more slowly over time. Yeah I agree. I think people are going to be dating less people at once. I think people are GonNa be trying to get that deeper connection for sure. I think it's GonNa be interesting. 'cause it's like when do you decide? It's not the right fit on exhumed dates right. It's a little different than when you're in real life in your physical with someone so it's GonNa be interesting to see like if you're not feeling it one hundred percent you just keep going because of this one day hope of meeting in real life and seeing him really there were. Do you cut it on zoom. Like I don't know that's going to be the interesting part of how things progress and how they slowed down like are people still ghost in this day like. I don't know it's going to be an interesting time. See what happens there and do you think people can fall in love in the time of Corona virus just fall in love over zoom calls every day. Possibly right I think it's like love is blind right not that all advice you've taken from reality TV shows but I think we've love is blind. There were some couples that came out and got married and were appeared to be in love and then there were some. That weren't right though. I think the same is probably going to happen. Here is that people might at the end of this excited to meet in real life and there might be some that flourish. Still in there might be some. That are kind of disappointed when things get real right. Yeah I have the like romantic half my brain in the lake logical side of my side of me especially after this call. I was just fantasizing about like when we finally get to meet. I'll just run up to him and jump into his arms in GonNa be so incredible like that's a real feeling. I'm really excited about that. But I also now. There are so many other like even biological factors that Determine whether or not we have like physical in-person come in stream. Now you can just that but I feel like we're on our own experiment of like big brother or something because what we're living right now is not reality. This is not going to be reality forever. So once this thing ends we're going to go back to reality and whatever connection you made also has to withstand. Let's say your schedule your your friends and family all of a sudden all these other factors come into play. Does that impact the relationship but then other experts say your emotional connection is strong enough than that's enough to battle out the the real factors. Yeah I mean I was talking to my brother actually. Who's very good advice and gave I was talking about revisiting. An old relationship in his advice was like why don't you just decouple corona virus with the what is it that Corona virus? That's driving you to make this decision or is it an actual need and I think that's the part that gets a little risky with all of this. Like best case scenario is yeah. We run into each other's arms and everything continues to be good but then I think the other side of it is what is driving. The emotional connection is that there's actually an emotional connection or is we're all in fear right now and I think that's what we need to decouple while we're having these conversations. The good thing about what's happening right now is normally in dating. It's me against you. Yeah and I'm trying to show you how awesome I am. You're trying to show me how awesome you are. A right now. Is US AGAINST KRONA BUYER? Yeah so I feel like we're all on the same team and I feel like the conversations that people a pad over these calls are pretty much. Like how are we gonNA survive this together? And it's a takes this like monster to bring us closer and that all the couples that are starting to have conversations right now. I have a really nice starting point already. I feel like it's a really great place to bond for sure. I think that is definitely a benefit of all. This is that there's less distraction. More of that common bond. Do you think that people will let conversations linger just for the sake of companionship? I have I started out with like four connections. And they're already down to three because one just to me. Conversation is incredibly important whether it's over text or video or in person and one of the conversations just did not hold my attention. I didn't feel like we were talking about anything other than sort of surface level topics and so. I've just kind of let that one go. I'm not I feel like I still do have a lot of other connections talking to my friends a lot. I'm talking to my family. They don't feel like I'm just kind of like desperate to talk to whoever. I still have the same standard of like. I've thought a lot about what I want in another person kind of connection. Do I want us to have that? Hasn't changed at all if anything. It feels more important to be spending our time connecting with people who are really a good fit in who? We're going through a really hard time as you get to see like how people show up under pressure in under really unusual circumstances in my standards are exactly the same in terms of what.

00:35:13 - 00:40:00

I'M LOOKING FOR IF NOT HIGHER. How do you think people can show affection over video or over the phone? I don't think physical affection can like zoom video guy yesterday and he was out on a hike and he texted me when he got back. He texted me like pictures of flowers. And he said I like virtually pick to for you and I have to admit like I was thinking about a whole time out hiking. I feel like no guy has sent me such a sweet romantic text without. I've gotten text like that before. But it seemed like they were trying to get something or earn something to this. Felt Very. You're like this is just this happened and I not of you so I guess verbal words of affirmation are big right now. Yup I mean I think there is a VO. Jeez right you could like this. Is that way I mean for someone. That's I've done long distance before I've kind of had this experience and we'd sexting video times I guess do heap. I've to get really good at phone sex now because I'm really worked on. That scale is in some great laundry just for video calls. Now you can take photos like there's a lot of things he could do to spice it up embiid wandered out with them. I mean it's not the same. Don't get me wrong but people do it in long distance all the time very true. Yeah we just have to get creative and think about like what is that. What do I need in a relationship? What's My love language? And how can I translate that in zoom world yet? Apparently vibrators sales are soaring. That oh my goodness yeah sex toys. All of that is booming but people again people need to get creative and I think I love to brainstorm for our last couple minutes brainstorm some great over the video date ideas that people could try. Here's an idea. How about you buyer day? Adore Dash delivery of posts mace delivery. And you guys share the same meal. Yeah you could totally do that. I don't know I think. Also there's the we vibrators if you'RE GONNA go you're going to the next level. There's ones that your partner control from an APP so there is some stuff out there for sure well. I'm a huge nerd so I was thinking a video. Zoom guy is really into podcast while sounds like let's listen to the same really interesting episode and then like talk about it and like share thoughts or even like read a book. There's another person that I'm talking to a recommended Evan. Wanting to read this book about secret sexuality and I was like. Hey should we start a book club in both sexuality and then we need like something in common and he said yes or no like that might be really frustrating right now. Because I can't believe I know does build it up. Yeah I love you. I love that first idea of listening to a podcast together. Maybe listen to this episode of people so I have a question freeze era. You mentioned that you broke things off with one guy. How did you break it off? Well I haven't intentionally yet. It's just us talking about made me realize like Oh conversation sort of dropped off so the way I usually think is like if we've been chatting but we haven't met up in person. I don't always feel the need to end things. I'm very anti ghosting. Especially after we've met up especially after we have had sex. It's just something I never do but I feel like a flea have just been texting. Were kind of casually chatting. I don't feel an obligation to be like. I think we should stop texting like we did. Stop texting and it just fizzled out. And at my actually rekindle sex book guy is disappeared for a little bit and then reappeared a week and a half later and he's at him so sorry that I disappeared. I my work. Travel was impacted with his virus stuff and things are really complicated and that's why disappeared in. I'm back now in. We've totally resumed talking. So the I think before you met in person. I don't feel I feel like you can just let it sort of naturally fizzle out and then also naturally rekindle as well. That's an interesting paradigm though because now you're not meeting in person so we don't have that parameter anymore so it's basically like do we just let everything fizzle out under like the old mindset or do we change that to be like oh. I've gone on a video date or a phone call. It's like over an hour. I don't know what the rule is like that. It's the time you know what I mean because it's like no one day like do you think ghosting or just kind of not happen anymore. Because it's really hard to go someone these days.

00:40:00 - 00:45:03

What's that mean? You put Juliane instagram stories. Or it was like if he's not texting you back now definitely not interested. We get to really hard to go south so maybe just won't do that yet but it sounds like what Sarah saying is like everyone's kind of just fading in now because there's not that hard fast rule of like we've met in real life anymore. I would almost be offended if I was like chatting with someone and I think we should stop texting even texting thankfully I. I am usually Super Anti ghosting. Almost incandescent situation it would be more offensive or some break off our our text conversation. Well think about this though. If you've only had one call with someone and neither of you try to schedule another call. I guess that's just the end but if you've had like five calls with someone and then all of a sudden you hear from them that's a Dick move. That'd be really hard to explain. I think someone needs to say something at that point but I guess that's the same thing with mutual ghosting right. If both people aren't reaching out if you'd gone on five dates some people will say that's okay and then some people will say that you deserve that answer some. Maybe it's just whatever you feel. Pre current a virus applies to. I feel like ghosting as always subjective like I have friends who are like. It hurts my feelings when someone takes. I'd rather be ghosted and I'm the opposite. I'm like please. Just tell me the truth who've on it's a really clear things aid. People are always going to have their preferred way. It's not going to be the same for everyone right. Well I guess this is all still to be determined since we're only on week two of quarantine. I'm curious to see what week four week five will look like but I will make one prediction and I'm pretty passionate about this prediction. I think a lot of access will start reappearing. Vardi had that happen. We're connection or all kinds of things so like to add to the predictions and I came up with a list of predictions for twenty twenty. Corona virus was not on that did have some other things on the list like for example like the rise of more like dating APPs feel simulating in real life. Whether that's the video or something else in maybe. This is the time that video actually works on dating apps like the League has video I think. Tenders INTRODUCING IT. Bumble has ways to connect with video or audio so. I think this might be the moment for video because it has Tanzania or B. R. I was going with zoomed. Thank you you're more about him. And when you guys listen to this episode maybe you can give us a call back together. Yeah together all right well. Thank you so much Sarah and again keep us updated on your love. Life Been Nineteen pandemic goes on. Thanks bye before we talked to our next guest. Let's take a quick break to talk about our sponsor. Better help Julie. I think now is a better time than ever to seek some sort of online therapy for everything that's happening. I think everyone's feeling this overwhelming need for human connection and just. I think everyone's feeling a little bit lonely. Yeah lonely anxious to like. There's so many motions right and better. Help is a platform full of credible compassionate therapists who offer online counseling in a very safe and private online environment and these professionals specialized in so many different areas. You've talked about depression. The also specialized in relationships trauma just getting over with. Everyone's trying to get over right now. This this global crisis right and I've used better help before and I just love my experience with it so much because I think especially if you're new to therapy. It can be a bit daunting so I think it's a really great way to ease into therapy and again like right now. Everything's virtual anyway so this is definitely the time to check out virtual therapy. Yeah absolutely and they're very affordable. They also offer financial assistance and for dateable listeners. Only you get ten percent off your first month with a Code D. A. T. A. B. L. E. So you can get started today by going to better help dot com slash dateable simply fill out the questionnaire get match with a suitable counselor and you get ten percent off your first month by using the Code D. A. T. E. L. E. Now should we get back to our next guest. Let's do it all right. It's she'll he's thirty seven years old originally from Pittsburgh you. He's lived in San Francisco for seven years currently single dating and Sheltered in place. She'll be one of our favorite past guests. You been doing to survive pandemic right now.

00:45:03 - 00:50:03

Yeah so I started going into panic mode as I'm an extrovert and I was by myself in my apartment which I now realize when there was a shelter in place in San Francisco which opened the pace. Monday mean a few friends decided to get out of dodge. We ended up coming to a really beautiful ranch. Two hours south of San Francisco so I feel like I came to you possibly one of the best possible places to be for an indefinite amount of time. A So interesting Chiel because your episode when you were on dateable last time was from season four episodes sick call perceptions and misconceptions and it was all about your social media presence and how you travel the world. You're always on the go. You're always doing amazing thing or you just like itching for some photos right now. I definitely would stir crazy and I was like get me out of here but now that I'm at this like ranch. With beautiful view I actually am feeling and and notably like three friends with me. I'm feeling much less. Stir crazy so. Have you changed your travel photos for like photos with a toilet paper? Not Not yet not yet. So how the APP spin since current virus would have even experiencing. Yeah it feels like the APPS are on fire. A lot of people are at home. And I think craving some element of social connectivity. So I've noticed in uptick in activity. I'd be curious to get the official stats but it certainly feels like. There's a lot more activity like I'm getting a lot more matches than I was before it wasn't their study released by was it. Okay cupid. That was saying that the numbers have been up across the board. Yeah just activity in general has been up and better match rates. What do you think that I think when people are at home? When do people use the APPS when they're like at home and when their board in the absence of other activities to do a lot of people that are on the do you see these conversations? Going further lake are people actually communicating a bit more. Yeah yeah it seems that way. I've hot venture conversations kind of quickly move into text and then quickly move into video and it's actually nice like I've never done video chat date before but I haven't done several this week. It's interesting because like there is a larger hill to get over to get to a first date getting to video date. It doesn't seem like that big of a deal. I've had conversations where like within fifteen minutes of the match being made. We switched video and the I've never done before. Actually I on bumbled video feature. I don't even know that features new or was that it was there before. I don't think anyone noticed it scary thing for most people. So how many video dates have you done in the last? What was it like two weeks less than a week ago for me and I have done By of five is a lot of dates from a period but I think that speech to the Higher Velocity of folks on the APP and then also sort of a lower barrier to getting to a day. I'm just curious. Why is video so scary for people? Why is that like people are willing to meet in person? That's flesh and blood but video conferencing so scary. I actually haven't found that to were the case. I found that people are willing to do it when it comes to a matching an meeting up in person as I think everyone can relate to. There's a lot of last minute flaky. Nece where like you agree to a thing on then. Somehow that person always something just came up or they're sick or something and then you never ended up leading up. There's a lot of flaking. I think San Francisco people say like San Francisco. People are flaky but I think people say that literally every city it's everywhere everywhere you know what though I think there. Is this feeling with dating that? You don't really with online dating that. You don't really know until you meet in real life and I think that is what propels people to do. Multiple dates did not do the video. Step there's this feeling that like video is still not the actually you don't get the same physical like touching all different aspects that you would when you see someone. I guess she'll like. How has your experience been doing these video dates? Do you feel like you're actually getting to know. These people like you would on a first date at a bar or restaurant or wherever. It's definitely not the same thing it's a substitute and it's the only thing we have right. It's not like I plan to switch all my i. It's to video chat once we go back to normal life. I just think it is a useful filtering mechanism. I have some good friends who always do a phone call before they get to a first date. I think I personally do. Not of screener beforehand via tax slash.

00:50:03 - 00:55:07

Like whatever background information. I can find out about a person. I think I do a good enough job that my like if I get to a first date I feel pretty good about it so I feel like I don't necessarily need to do that. Screener call but I know a lot of other people say you're also an extrovert. She'll I think for a lot of people who are introverts or think that's really exhausting. It is easier to just do like a call before meeting up in person. You know what though? There's something daunting about the call. Calls and video is inevitably awkward. For whatever reason that you're kind of not putting your best foot forward in that case as the perception whether that's a reality or not to be debated but I think there's a perception that we're gonNA come off awkward. I know I felt that before is like do. I want my first impression for someone new to be how I look on video because I feel on. Yeah you know what's funny? I think this morning I was in Instagram's stories and I was like messing with somebody would respond to something that I'd heard. I didn't realize it in instagram. Also there's video child. Everyone's despite for them now. I didn't understand on this now but we were in that chat on then. We instantly went to their video child. I found that like all of the filters and stuff you can do in instagram. Makes it more fun and you can kind of play around in. It's just like something else to do on your date because I think there's something around just being a conversation versus like seeing how somebody interacts with something else. Yeah we'll zoom has those backgrounds now that you could like change your location to like the Golden Gate Bridge or wherever on facetime you can change into animals and emojis. They're pretty fun. So the five dates you had. Can you kind of walk us through how? They've been like how they differed from one another. It has largely been the same. I'd say each of them have been an hour or more so like a significant amount of time. Nearly as much time as you'd have in a first day and Interesting it's been like the getting to know you as the content is largely the same as what it would be. Otherwise probably with a mix of fifteen minutes of intro of like. What do you think about the current situation? And that's like a natural spreaker. We're all arm charity. Miala just so that you know that's an easy conversation starter. I feel like every message. I've got it on the bid like how's your quarantine go? I. That's the do pick up wide. I don't know if you've experienced that too. Yeah it's such an easy uh-huh yeah. The easy thing was always like how was your weekend. No it's like how's your core. How's your quarantines the New Hampshire weekend maybe I challenge you guys to something. You're profiles say. Let's try to spend an hour not talking about the quarantine. Yeah but it's kind of reassuring to because it's like like we've talked about before everyone's in this together so there is something nice that lets you bond over it to. We'll see how it progresses this is of course like week one of it being really bad so we'll see how it continues week three and four right What's something you've found surprising in this whole way of dating? So What's interesting yours. Transition from first interest second date. I think he's actually only forty four days have had like I liked everyone enough but continue talking to them. So now I have this lake kind of cute text banter going with like four different people and that's normally not my mo and then like that will only increase probably L. interesting like normally. There's one person that I'm interacting with I think on video dates. It's a little bit harder to reject someone like. I found like the video date. It didn't give me enough information rows. Okay this person is not somebody I want to spend more tomor. Why is that? I think there's something I think like. Yeah I think you guys mentioned a little bit but there's like something lost earn video. There's some chemistry spark thing that you can feel in person that you replicate by video and so far everyone I've talked to. It's been really nice conversations. I've felt like hasn't been as like the thing that's made a mind is like I like it. When you feel comfortable enough that you can make make jokes or even like poke fun at each feather. For some reason I feel like I haven't gone awol video video or do you think it's the connection with these people. It could be both but I think it's I think it's actually video or something in the format where lake. You're not seeing everything something lost. Have you tried doing phone in then progressing to video or just jump straight to video? I haven't I only done video so far.

00:55:07 - 01:00:01

I'm just wondering if phone because there's not as much self-consciousness happening like you're not showing someone your face right like you don't feel like oh my being awkward on video maybe you can get like a little deeper on the phone and then do kind of the next one on video when people are a little more comfortable. I wonder if that could be an alternate approach to also test. Yeah I think that's a great idea on and actually maybe. I'll try that you know again. I'm going to bring this back to the fact that you're an extrovert and extroverts are known to really have have really hypersensitivity to their environment and so on dates you're probably noticing the people around you noticing the core noticing the atmosphere and on video. You only half this person to concentrate on unless they have a hundred things going on in the room that you can point out. There's something to be said about adapting to this new way of connecting with someone from video. 'cause I would say a lot of my introverted friends. Love video chats. They think it's so great. They feel like they're not distracted. They feel like they have all the attention. They feel like they can be themselves and it was that even before all of this chats while before all my introverted friends wanted to do phone calls and very few people would take them up on that offer and so they feel liberated. Because they're like you kind of have to do one or the other the new normal young this this whole thing. Quarantine is great for introverts not so great. Bor extroverts. She'll you're saying basically the four dates you've had. They've all been good but nothing's been like. Oh my God this is a person I wanNA keep talking to like. I'll talk to them to keep it going. But you haven't felt sparks. Is that what I'm gathering from you? Yeah I hesitate to say it has anything new them writing right. I think it's the format but they're all keep it going like check in every day or two right. It's not enough that you're like. Oh this isn't a match I just. You just don't know basically because of the hat. Yeah exactly and they have like increasing number of people that to us you know. What's fascinating is you. And I just got off the phone with another girl to talk about her experience and she actually felt the opposite that she was going to have less people in her funnel because of this because she was going deeper but I totally see both perspectives on it. Because if you don't know yeah it's kind of funny but like you if you don't know enough like you're gonNA WANNA keep filling more people in Jesse can get to that place that you find a connection with someone but then there's also the side like she was saying he's like the Kinda just double down on one person. During this time I guess I could see both sides of it to just as worked out serving so far in maybe it depends if you're more introverted or extroverted were just if someone can adapt to video better than others. I think people that work with video conferencing all the time. Like for example. I have a very remote work environment outside of dateable stuff like my day job and I'm very used to video but I also can see when I first started that I was felt awkward around it so I think some of it might just be your comfort with technology in general and maybe over the next couple of weeks that will change her people. Yeah I think that's true when I first proposed video chat Somebody told me like that's weird but okay. I think a week from now. It's not gonna be weird right now. It's going to be the norm. What is the alternative to calls like meet at a park? Six feet apart six feet apart and talk to each other on the phone while you're in person with each other I don't know like what is the alternative year. Yeah the thing is like I don't even I don't quite understand like everyone's been quarantined. Quarantining or fourteen days than erratically. Were fine. He don't shed theoretically would meet anyway. I think it's that you don't know right like because people don't have symptoms so like you could be a carrier and you have no idea you know. We all have our theories. I think Joan Yeah. We're not corona virus experts and outright. Totally right I mean. I think we all have to adapt again and using technology to help us connect but also what are some ways that we can use video to connect better? If you're not sensing that this is the best form format right now. Maybe there are other ways to do this over video. Is it like play twenty questions to show me your play. Mtv cribs style just like a spice things up instead of just like a video conference so honestly brainstorming on this with Logan and you guys.

01:00:02 - 01:05:05

We had some ideas like doing some sort of like Internet scavenger hunt that you can do or like challenges that you can do with your partner on video where like you can be in the upper square but I wanNA high five. You are video screen shot. It'd be fun to like. Have a blog post shrine ideas that you can you despite up your video chat. Blades start one. We'll do a great idea. I think what it is is. That first states are meant to be playful. Like I think I'm for someone that doesn't love Seattle talk and I want to get to the deep stuff but from my experience the best like it's better maybe to hold that for a couple of dates in like. I think the first state like just building up report in chemistry in just sharing like humor and experiences. That's the best approach I think. That's what makes video a little tough is that you're sitting there without any other stimulus so it's like stimuli that the right word other stimuli and it's like you're just forced to have this conversation with someone so it's how do you keep it. Playful there in maybe like. I know it sounds cheesy the youth prompts of you don't have to like be like music prompt but could you just dive into like a funny story from your past or something. That doesn't feel as formal as I think. Video by default feels more formal Yeah that's interesting in this video. Feel formal because we use it for word from sightings. I think that's what it is. I think it's a couple things it's that we use it for work that there's like we've alluded to. There's nothing else you really. You have to be focused at that point right and you're also a little self conscious given that you don't know how you're appearing on video like I was in a game night virtual game night with friends the other day like a few who were like. How do I look right now? Can you see me like it's always like those like video chat Bingo? I don't know if any of you guys have seen that but it's just like can you hear me or my last connection. There's just so much on yardage totals awkwardness. That comes with it. So I think it's like how do you just make it feel as authentic to how you'd be in person and I don't know I don't know how video does that? I think some of the things you talked about earlier. She'll of like using filters or maybe using the fun backgrounds like maybe that could help loosen it up. A little yeah. I've actually also the whole video for work. Thing is actually even the past week. Has I've seen that ended up. I did a video karaoke night. We did a video dance party alumni and so it's already feeling much less formal just kind of like a fact of everyday life. I'm in video chats like nearly the entire day every day I feel like we don't use our imagination enough so we use video for that what I mean by that is. Let's say you go on a first virtual date with someone you tell them like if we were meeting in real life. This is where I take you and use virtual backgrounds. And they're like. There's no way it's really cute right. You like transform transform the environment so that you're using your imagination to be there you don't have to be in the place in the room that you're currently in you can say. Let's pretend we're on. The beach misses the first day. Usually we would go to this place and then we get these drinks in order this. I just like transform the entire environment. I think another thing. That's interesting this could be for better or worse but the liquid courage that we usually have with dates because a lot of our dates I had a mar and this is my dead sober for the most part sitting in front of the screen and I mean about say again. It's for better for worse. There's some benefits of being dead sober but also there's nothing really stopping you both from porgy glass of wine and sitting there together. If that's going to help yeah I agree on one of four. Did that happen? I think you're totally right that that does make a difference. Did it help on that day? Did I think it did? Yeah I think it loosens things up I think the other thing that is very different and maybe why things. I don't feel like things have progressed as much as if they would have on one date is oftentimes on a first thing. I'll be like let's go for like a coffee or tea or like if things are going well will progress in December analysis. We'll go to another place or drinker up dinner or something. There's really no option for progression. You're unbelievable I'm sitting imitate spot. You don't WanNa go from your living room dining but you hear this. Ah thing we can get so creative right because last night was telling Julie my boyfriend. I threw ourselves a coachella parties. So we put on costumes and we turn on Youtube and printed on Coachella Twenty nineteen and we just totally transformed the space.

01:05:06 - 01:10:02

Why can't you have oppressive date where you started restaurant? Universal background have like a drink and some food. And then say next up. Near take you to the speakeasy bar and literally walk her somewhere and then turn on some music set the mood. I think we can get so creative. This could be really immersive and fun. Ed's awesome. I think that's a great idea to that report back to us. Please let us know because this is really a chance to bring out your childish creativity. Yeah I'm like yeah I want to go on some virtual dates right now. You can be one room and your boyfriend and another to the bedroom. Okay well thanks again. She'll this has been super interesting and love hearing your perspective of everything likewise superstar. Thanks guys bye and then. Finally we check in with Ben and Kate married polly couple. We've had on our show before. They're both in their thirties and currently live in Oakland. They also run Oregon House a sex positive community. You may remember them from the sex party episode we did. We went to a sex party and we recorded it and this was a couple of seasons ago. And let's just check in to see how they're holding up during corona virus lock down and how their events are going since they can no longer meet in person. Ben And Kate. The last time we had you on dateable. It was a season three episode aid in an episode called married with options where we talked about your experience navigating poly-amorous and then throughout the years. We've always had check INS and hung out and talked about evolution of your relationship so we went from talking about navigating poly-amorous marriage to creating a sex positive community to the last time we saw you hate you were pregnant with Ben's could yes confirmed and we saw them at the sex party to forget that now this is quite a different scenario for all of us because we're on zoom and Ben and Kate although they live together they're in different rooms just for sanity. No skidding audio reasons. Four of us are all separated and there is a kid involved because now you have a baby. Yes we do. These are major life changes. You have a baby and in quarantine of corner. Having a baby was not the biggest change of this year seriously. I think one of the things that I've read basically orgies or no go right now for office. Reasons is the new poly-amorous just out of default and I are stuck in a place of only one of your partners. A lot of great games about about the quarantine forcing people to experiment with monogamy. How's that been going for you guys? Great for me But we have a bed has another partner that he has been being during the Corinthian because our house is only seeing their house and vice versa. So I I figure it's one household under serious and as long as they treated that way you feel like we're not adding risk got it right. The grocery runs as well to minimize our exposure to the outside world. So there you go. That's an added value for what has been the evolution of the Oregon House. We are definitely having to evolve very quickly right now So we obviously canceled our merchant. I think we sent out our cancellation email on March fist. Every single company ever given your email address has lake sends out there big Nineteen announcement so if I actually filter my inbox they coded nineteen ours. Is the very first email that went out. I was pregnant. I felt like he's always be trailblazers. By you. Know obviously are large. That's it's two hundred. Fifty people usually which was right at the event capacity and so a couple of days before they even made that announcement. We kind of got wins that they might be making that announcement and you decide. Wow if that's the danger that we're in Texas. It's completely irresponsible for us. To host these events people are really in close proximity. We've canceled deliver events for the foreseeable future. We've tried sue. Actually we think we've really succeeded by having a bunch of online events who've been doing like an online dating event where you get broken out into a kind of like vast like a video chat room but we're one other random person that's also in the speed dating events so we can't really like divided by gender or any things sort of just all of a sudden after every seven minutes year on video shot with like another person an organ house and people have been really enjoy Matt.

01:10:02 - 01:15:12

So we've made that like a weekly thing somebody in the community put together the art of Sun sex which I think yeah zoom on Thursday night. GotTa that totally. Yeah cool a little. Tricky it's tricky to nail how to get it right. I'm not good at it. Yeah so how is the reception? Been for stuff like that. Has it very positive? We had eighty people on the speed dating event. Two weekends in a row. People are unfortunately kinda desperate right like the young people are cooped up at may have nothing to do. There used to all this connection and community and socializing. It's not happening. So you know anything we have to offer. People are willing to try it right and we're not the only community doing that. There's a bunch of of other communities that are trying their version than I've I've even seen the monogamous people trying speed dating video chat things. Julie did one. I did want to ask like I feel like everyone's trying to figure this out at the same time. Wait how did your so it was good. It was hard I think ours was like three minutes each so it's hard to meet long connections and that time is really fast but I like the idea of it like I like the idea. There was just random people that you wouldn't come in contact with normally and it's almost like corona virus has given an excuse to experiment with some of this stuff. Yeah forcing all these communities to take their events virtually so how can you virtually have a sex positive event? Where some ideas? There are old co-founder who doesn't work with US anymore after his own Virtual sex party the other day with like multiple zoom rooms and apparently that was a huge. Hit I didn't go because I was taing up burning the midnight. Oil trying to figure out how we're GONNA make all the money. We haven't organized sustained count last US through in eighteen months pandemic. Did anyone tell you about it? Like I'm just curious what that looks like is just people like stripping down in front of the video cam like what it says ending. Yeah there were like some strip shows there were a bunch of DJ rooms. I don't know if you've ever been to one of those parties at the hotels or the or the like color spaces different Cisco where. Everyone has a different thing going on. But that's basically what was happening. It was just happening on video that rate so lake staying all the deejays were on their with their setups and send people. Were you know if you had a stripper pole in your house? You were on that thing right. Everyone was doing their thing. We're just watching right so I've always just like masturbating. Basically I heard there was a lot of that too. I also take. I wish I could just go into one of those virtual chats but not show my face just like the creepy one in the corner lurking. It's like when we went to your sex party. The ease into it. You were like it's okay to be a voyeur right. But it's Kinda weird odd video. Maybe because you're always going to be under your name like. Why is this person not showing video? You can clearly see when cameras not on just one of those plague Doctor Masks of the. There's there's definitely always a cost to these things but I think it's also interesting because a lot of these events are are definitely focused more on their communities of people that that know each other already. They're trying to stay connected. Rather than necessarily new people making connections at a sex positive about right of the speed dating is more targeted at the high level of of trust necessary to go into the L. Absolutely video play Party so what other. Things are on your list of ideas to try out reach out to a couple of like well-known and ask them if they'd be interested in doing like an impact play when a one workshop or like rope one on one So those are kind of in the works. They had a little anxiety out. Not Actually being physically present often are doing this because of the safety concerns with medium and they wanted to be able to lake. How PEOPLE NOT MAKE ROOKIE MISTAKES? That could cause harm and they weren't really sure how confident they could ever video. So we're going to try to go to the hospital. I would love to see a tantric sex workshop. Oh Yeah hip look into that. The older one there is really engaged by myself. Feel your partner's shoulder blades about about this stripper. Let Yeah. There's actually somebody has put on. Get hub a duplicate of the Chat Roulette Code. I guess and so you could. You could actually make your own chat relied for like just your group of friends so we were looking into seeing if that was something they can deal. Oh that fun so a curious because you guys figured out an alternative arrangement to still keep some polly emery and other partners in your lives. Are you finding that a lot of your friends and people in the community are doing similar things or they resorting to monogamy You know I think most people are not really able to keep in touch with many of their partners right now.

01:15:12 - 01:20:02

A lot of that is because folks house remains and live in generally communal living situations where one person taking a risk is actually taking a risk for the eight or ten people. We're your boss. Do not we have like banana. Have run home and we'd actually been looking shoe for like two years. Now we've been trying to buy a house with his other partner her family so we. Kinda felt like. We got like grandfathered in as a household since he's been like Jerry in earnest looking to buy a house. You've just been having incredible difficulty. Finding one that had the rate lay out for us. Because there's a couple of kids and her parents live with her so we needed a number of bedrooms with an on suite bathroom and it's just really hard way out to find him in real estate agents always like wait so whose parents food and we'll just take off so it's not the norm then. Most people are kind of just staying with their primary partner or no partner. Potentially if there with roommates I think it's more likely that they're just stuck with their roommates. Yeah unless people already live together but folks are having a really hard time. I think it's particularly hard hitting for the the polly community because you grow to love so many people and then to just suddenly toll tae year you suddenly earn a long distance relationship from this person. Bike with zero warning and a lot of folks can't necessarily be open and honest even with their roommates or certainly not their job in many cases about why they might be having a really hard time right now so. I think this time would create a lot of conflict for a lot of these relationships. Especially if you're in a non hierarchical open relationship or a poly relationship. Having to choose which partner you want to quarantine with I would assume have really created a lot of conflict ever. Yeah I'M GONNA get one is off like that. I had to be convinced that it was not socially irresponsible for us to go over to the partners house and vice versa. I initially was feeling wake. The end is nigh. We must saw lock ourselves in our homes. Don't go outside and rations to get through. I had a very pessimistic response to you. All of us and I've waited up a little bit. What made you change your mind. Everyone on facebook yelled at me when I said we all stay indoors. A REFUND TRANSLATE No. It's okay if we go outside if we stay six feet away from each other but I was like okay. Sure but I just don't trust that any of you were going to do that. And then of course sure enough. This past weekend everybody went to the beach. Everyone wants to parks. They were super crowded now sports. They've shut all the beaches and parks down. You know what though you're right though like as I feel the same way like you're actually right now but I think it's true it's like do people are really people going to stay six feet away especially if it's a romantic partnership that they haven't seen this person for like a week or whatever it is the reality is like that's a really hard thing to do so by putting yourself in that position. Is that realistic? And I don't doubt people get intentions but I doubt I'd you know. These new restrictions will overcome the habits that you have of just like. Oh Hey it's good to see you give each other a hug. Oh Shit I guess we weren't supposed to do that in my favorite was the The video of the woman reading the new guidance about you know don't touch your face. Finger turns right. It's hard to know but I think the reality is that we're the we're the centrists here because as far as I can tell from social media and this is this is purely anecdotal there. Either people that are refusing to leave their homes for anything or the people that are going on their businesses usual. Don't give a fuck right. Yeah people who are have a different risk tolerance. Yeah I I will take his ad rather be more. Restrictive have over quicker. I don't know if that's realistic. But that's how I view it. Yeah that's absolutely realistic. And the alternative is that like martial law comes into effect right like I don't I don't I. Don't want to take a lot of chances. Either we are. We are seeing that one other household. And that's it right. Yeah let's more about that. What are your boundaries and rules for seeing this other household sharing the covet outbreak car? We should probably have some of those honey. I guess I I mean I guess the boundary is. Hey you guys are only seeing us and like going to the grocery store pharmacy as absolutely necessary right and we're doing the same thing. I haven't left my house more than one times. I think March seventeenth tomorrow night. By other partnered I are going grocery shopping for both households and having date night. Thought it okay. I thought it so I think I don't know that's the only rule.

01:20:02 - 01:25:03

I'm way more concerns about Bannon. His other partner going to shopping right now. The name northern having sex flake non-issue. Yeah the grocery store is kind of scary one of those dangerous. Did you use your protection? Did you put on your mask? Yeah I think there's been like I don't know I mean every day there's something new but it was what Saliva from kissing is probably the most dangerous of everything but obviously interest adds tends to be part of sack. So it's hard to get away from that completely. If you're actually having sex well you know all pretty young late. I honestly if one of US gets sick and walk sick and we'll probably be fine. She however lives with her parents who are a little older and so I think most of our concern is around making sure that we're keeping them safe and not exposed to our biggest concerns are pretty much taking precautions and going to the grocery store while the things we have to think about especially you have a kid too so you have to be extra careful when you're out there. So how does this work logistically Ben and your partner? You guys can see each other. You're doing your grocery stores grocery run deep night and then you're going to drop off the groceries at both households and spend the night where no no we're going to go to the grocery store and come back and spend a few hours at our at my house and then she'll go home with her groceries. Entree the side so have you. You've made a rule like no sharing beds during this time or is that kind of no okay. So that's just she's we're assuming of households have have biomass in common at world. Really worried about that stash man. I'm worried about anything outside of the houses on our worried about anything inside this you houses as she drinks wine not going outside best friend is ear. I didn't open a bottle for like two weeks. Y'All remember sorry. We got two weeks right. You deserve it so hopefully this all passes sooner rather than later when it does. Where do you see like orgies going in like all the sex party stuff that you guys were doing? What are your thoughts of? How soon that could maybe restart. You know I've been saying for years. Given like all of the interpersonal issues that people have like all of the problems related to person to person interaction at sex parties. This being one of them. It's going to be all robots people having robots robots having sex people watching them I say first of all people having sex robots robots. That's very westworld. Robot Timing Saxon people watching. We can't afford that sweetie. I don't think sex pot is like ten thousand dollars. I remember praising this hour okay so sex a sex spots. That's the future so I do think you're good. I do you think we're going to definitely keep like the the speed dating thing has been awesome and I think that that will continue to be to be something that we do. Even if we go back to having in person events I am not planning on. I am not assuming that we will be able to throw any more in person events for the rest of two thousand twelve. I have A. I'm going to be pretty conservative. Even if the government size like hey events are okay like our events are very intimate so I am going to err on the side of caution and make absolutely sure that we're not putting anybody at risk six foot away. Orgy is just awkward. Unless you ever really expression about touching poll talking about the tip right there. You'RE SAFE ADT ORGIES. As long as you're really well dad. That's exactly how that works. Yeah that's survival of the fittest right. Exactly I mean we can. We can only sort of predict what could happen. But who knows I feel like Ben? You're not too far off with the robots. I'm telling you know let's sex. Toys are selling like hotcakes. Right now the next logical step is virtual reality sex porn and then sex robots. I I think that the the same changes that we're seeing in our space or the changes that we're GONNA see in every industry right like all of a sudden you have anybody can work for mom is working with all. That's going to materially change the fabric of society right. We're never going to go back to the way things I think that all of these virtual methods of connection that were being forced to figure out right now. Those are GonNa go away just because we can go to a party right. We're going to keep doing the things that work and the speed dating event is probably a better Friday night than having to like. Go to a party. After you've been up since six in the morning right people are GonNa say what? Actually I liked that better.

01:25:03 - 01:30:00

I think I'll do that and I think that a lot of the things that we figure it out. That's a good point because I feel like a lot of Friday's I'll just like stay in and watch Netflix. Because I'm just exhausted. So it's no Cheddar alternative. Exactly Meet New People than to sit on the couch and watch too so I think we'll we'll take what we learned in carry-forward in thank you guys for taking the time out to talk to us. We always love us. It's always so we missed this again around. We're not going anywhere you're like. We could video eddie ties. Were strained here right. Thanks you guys. Now that we've heard from several different perspectives of how people are adapting to this new era of living in this cove in nineteen locked down and quarantined season. I feel like this is the takeaway for all of life is that we have to learn to adapt to anything because you never know what can happen in life. Yeah for sure I mean I think I have a couple takeaways I think first of all my biggest takeaway is just keeping everything in perspective. I even found this for myself. I was getting a little bummed out that I'm single that I'm alone right now but the end of the day. It's there's people on the front lines like nurses like people that are really sick hospital at the end of the day you're single status or whatever it is is like the least of our problems so I think it's great that people are adapting and finding ways to like keep the momentum going during this time but also if you're not there I think that's also K. Like some people I feel this is like I just need a little break because I'm anxious about everything that's happening and I think that's also fine. Yeah absolutely and just keeping a positive outlook on what is happening right now. Obviously this is a global crisis but there are some sort of blessings in disguise in all of this and instead of thinking of the universe taking things away from you such as outdoor activities in human physical connection. What is a universe giving back to you that you've always wanted for me? I think it's time I think it's spending time with family and friends whether that's through zoom or phone calls for so long. All of us kept saying. Oh I'm so busy to make that one phone call to check in now. You have absolutely no excuses. I also think what's a blessing in disguise is that we no longer have flow. And I say that jokingly but I also see that very seriously. It's really refreshing to think okay. We're on this together. There's absolutely no one out there. Partying it up right now. And if they are they're really stupid. They shouldn't be doing that. So let's take that off the table and now I can really enjoy this time. Focus ON BETTERING MYSELF. Bettering my life and bettering the people around me so that's always a of thinking about how the Universe is adding to your experience. Yeah I think it's a reset for us all writing like it's really a way to evaluate the life we're living in the importance of human connection and I think what's really emerging. That's beautiful is that people are really taking the time to check in with old friends members like we do have technology and all this time we've been annoyed of how technology is hindering. Our daily lives and technology is kind of saving our connection right now. So it's definitely leading US reset our own perceptions it's also letting us reset are dating patterns to. I think from hearing from Syria and she'll they had very opposite perspective of things that were happening but I think they both actually had a commonality that they're dating patterns were changing. Sarah was holding off on intimacy more. She said that was something that got in her way. Like she rush into more physical in she'll mention to that he used to take connections one at a time and now he was talking to like four or five people and even bending cates said that a lot of people that are in the polly community are either focusing on one partner or being celebrated or finding other ways to like be with themselves like things that I think it's causing everyone to shake up their patterns and see if there's other ways they can go about doing things that could end up resulting in better actions. What was really fascinating to me. That really stood out from all three of our conversations. Was that across the board. Everybody's focus was on getting deeper. How do I ask deeper connections and when you think about previously before cove in eighteen it was about? How do I? Fill UP MY CALENDAR. How do I more socially active? And how do I fill up my dating calendar? Now it's a hear from Sarah here from she'll I even hear from Ben and Kate Is.

01:30:00 - 01:34:23

How do we facilitate better? And deeper connections and people really are looking for that and that's fantastic because it no longer. It's not irl anymore right before we're always like making excuse while you don't get connection till you're in real life but now you can't be in real life so we have to get really creative with how we see connection and build connection right. I mean I think at the end of the day. This has definitely shifted priority to connection right like what matters in life it's health and connection and the people in your life and I think we have heard of so many people on the show and I'm definitely guilty of this sometimes putting career I in putting like your own like self ahead of things and I think for anyone that is single. It's definitely shedding light. That maybe like you don't WanNa be alone for the rest of your life and there is a value on partnership there is a value of making room for another person your life and I think everyone that's in a couple is really confronting a lot of things in their own religion in figuring out how to navigate in a time where you're spending every waking moment with someone where that probably wasn't something you were doing before either right. It's it's quite the wakeup call for all of us before it was kind of just me against the world and now it's corona virus against all of us and we're in this together. We're really waking up to this and I really believe that we're going to come out really positively on the other end and I look forward to all the great things are about to happen and all the creativity that's about to happen. Thank everyone stay safe though. That's a priority even like the park date in even like all of that. It's just just don't right now. Yeah I think guys think about this the more you go outside and interact with other people the more we have to be under quarantine so that we just do what they tell us. City right now the obedient okay and stay home and just be just self isolate and this wall. Go off faster than we wanna too. So let's just let's think about the the bigger picture here but Julie. We remember on a this weekend when I went through my creative burst. 'cause I was a molly so I wrote a poem and I would like to share it with you because I do think it completely summarizes how I feel right now God that is not the reaction. I was before I mean. I'm so excited to hear it. It was the first piece of art I had made while I was tripping so this is something I I feel like. It was definitely on my mind so here it goes oh isolation beyond control snap back. Don't crack steady Freddie. I have no words I am. I hear you progressively getting ladder to like. Get me to start doing if anyone wants an autograph version of US poem. No I think people need to send in their own poems. This is your time to write poems. Come on people goodness staying or the happens by week four. That's for a week four. I will be a professional poet. This up let's wrap this up. Yeah everyone save everyone do your part stay. Davy the ball and six feet apart. The dateable podcast is part of the FROLIC podcast network. Find more podcasts. You'll love at frolic dot media slash podcasts. Want to continue the conversation. I follow us on Instagram. Facebook and twitter with a handle at dateable podcast tag any post with the HASHTAG. Stay dateable and trust us. We look at all those posts then head over to our website. Dateable PODCASTS DOT COM. There're you'll find all the episodes as well. As articles videos and our coaching service with vetted industry experts you can also find our premium y series where we dissect analyze and offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums. Were also downloadable for free on spotify APPLE PODCAST. Google play overcast stitcher radio other podcasts platforms. Your feedback is valuable to us. So don't forget to leave us a review and most importantly remember to stay dateable.