Season 10 Episode 4: Too Old to Date

00:00:00 - 00:05:03

The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world. everyone Welcome to another episode of dateable of show all about modern dating concessions of two podcasters episode longtime ago. It's such a good episode. So we did do this episode with Brad a while back you know. What would I was editing? It I'm like this was such a good episode. I'm so glad it's caveat out to the world it might be a year ago. We're usually pretty tight this one. No the topic is relevant. Anytime right. Yeah. It's not like it needs to be guys tomorrow or writer. Trend IS GONNA change right. We're basically talking about agent feeling too old to date and the fact we talked to Brad who is a man. I feel like we have this perception that it's only a woman writing biological clock but he was like anyone that lives doesn't feel like age factors in is kidding themselves. Yeah exactly I think age plays into so much of it because now with online data you also see that your choices go down as you. You see people that are like flat out put like thirty nine. Yeah then in their profile like actually forty five because they don't want that insane with like thirty thirty four to thirty five. I cut off. I think we've talked about visiting previous episodes but I saw a major drop off with turned thirty nine. I remember dating thirty three thinking. Oh my gosh. There's so many options because thirty three is actually a pretty hot. Yeah because you can do it late twenties. You can do thirties and forties. Yeah somehow thirty five for a woman you just. I don't know I mean I definitely feel like lately. It's been a bit of a draw who who I think. I actually may be experienced more going from thirty five to thirty six. I don't know I I don't know either. I tip definitely your options less. I guess it's not a terrible thing because you don't actually want as many options as you get older. I feel like that was always a stereotypical thing like as you get older Options married who settled down. But I think also now assume people getting divorced Myanma Revitalized Back. I remember I was out to dinner with this. Some guys in one of them said he was recently divorced so he got back on the APPs a he recognized some of the women from four. He was divorced. Sega come full circle remember from seven years ago while Yeah. I mean I think there is something. There's a mental thing and that we talk about this episode of your defer to old today right but there's something about feeling like dating is for people that are in there like teams in Ryan Twenties in younger adulthood. There is that shift. I think when ender relationship and you go back on dating APP you're lying so I'm back Uruguay these. It's desk ceiling a calling sullen boyfriend or girlfriend seem so juvenile and when you are a guest forty five fifty five and trying to look for a boyfriend like Sh- am I supposed to be at the stage of my life right now. There's a lot of questioning but wherever you are is where you're supposed to be easy as saying is if you are dating than you are supposed to be dating at. This phase is not too young or too old agreed. I think though it's like as much as you don't WanNa feel this way. I'd like to try to be positive about it but there is pressure. The older you get. I think that isn't completely going away even in new age society and all blacks. I think when you're younger everyone's kind of at the same stage like they're in your twenties college once figuring out life first apartment for his job first relationship all yet for Syria Cilicia. Whatever it is in then. When you're like Thirties Lana disparity. Yeah in then I think you start to play the comparison game again. Not Saying you should but I think it's human nature was actually refreshing. That Brad called this episode like look like I'm not going to say I don't feel that way 'cause I do and I mean that's just natural and it's the precious report honor sells you say internal dialog that I have a hard time shedding for shore. Adia keeps feeding into it. I never in my teens thought I would be where I am today in my late thirties. Now I remember also like by my therapist. We're talking about this side. Come out of a really serious relationship that I was devastated about. And of course when you're out of the hat you.

00:05:03 - 00:10:10

It was the year that I had like ten weddings. That was in perfect timing. You gotta be reminded every time I remember being like. Oh my God. I really can't believe I'm going to my cousin's wedding. I'm like the oldest. I'm all of us and I'm the only one that's not settled down like that was the mindset. I was in like my youngest cousin is getting buried. It was just. I think it was like a tough time in my life. Righteous pounded and I remember my therapist being like look. No-one no-one cares about you race. Have in your head that everyone's like Oh my God. You're the one person that's not married. She's still single. She's like no one else is probably thinking about that. They're probably thinking about like where's the buffet line. We're open bar valley like they don't stop watching twenty seven dressings some of it. So much of it is internal though it is so internal but I will say this as a because I am older than you Julie by a few years but so much wiser but I will speak to you from the future. I really think in my early thirties. I felt like I was in this race to get married and not that I. I was pressuring myself to do so but every time one of my friends who get married and I just kept yelling getting left behind. Yes it's okay to. It's it's lowly isolating feeling and to to see your friends who Ford in their lives and to some feel like you're not catching up to them but I will say now. It might late thirties and approaching forty. I no longer see marriage as the end goal. I no longer compare myself to that because I've seen once. He's so many marriages fail right end to for some reason. The veil has been no pun intended the veil molested. Yeah this enigma of marriage that I no longer craven Need it or feel like I need to achieve yup in. It's refreshing. Yeah we talked about it in this episode to. It's like if you got married at twenty five and now you're back in the dating scene at forty because you've been divorced you're really in a different place than single. You just had different lives experience right right. It's like we always do the sliding door that movie. But it's like you could take two different pass and end up in the same place and up in the same fucking place wherever again wherever you are right now is where you're supposed to be any. You're dating your D- mets like. Don't put so much pressure on yourself to think that that age is playing into this whole thing exactly and I think we actually pointed out and we're going to get to the episode so here we pointed out to like at the end was like I actually wouldn't have had all experiences I did if I was married. If I was having children at age you sign up. Just be grateful what life has given you not look at what hasn't worked out for you. And what's even more? Refreshing is listen to our episode with Nez. Dating dating seventy two and experiencing exacting things we're currently experiencing any age and also where we went to. Phoenix. Our audience. Many of them were women who had been divorced in their in their sixties and a lot of them didn't want to look for that end goal of marriage anymore they were kind of in the mindset of. I just WanNa have fun dating enjoy myself. And why can't we have that mindset? Now just make dating fun. I know that's actually fascinating because you is referencing a live show that we didn't need X. And it was interesting because their mindset was like a twenty year old mindset twenty year old. Kinda like I will be in the moment. I WanNa meet some people and I want to fund with them. Do you think it's because you've already had that and you realize that it's not beyond off personally for me. I think about this all the time as much as I don't think marriage is y'all I want to experience it in life as much as I want to experience when I climbed Kilimanjaro. It's an experience that I would like to have right in my lifetime. Yeah and once you achieve it or not she but once you have the experience maybe you just have a totally different mindset about love and relationships. Yeah all age is so fasting. I feel like we have touched this in different ways in different seasons like. I'm picky about like the eternal bachelor all the time Michael Parties during the day. Which is where we're GONNA go outside for whatever club he would go to and just like wait there at six. Am Ski like getting up until he star- he's GonNa be. What do you say nine? Am party this guy's approaching fifty tangent about. We're leaving you've been listening to the episode that Julie's records you have to. Because he is this eternal bachelor approaching safety and still partying till nine am and wants a twenty five months assigned by the part of like.

00:10:10 - 00:15:04

I guess I'm thinking about is that makes it tough especially for women but it sounds like Brad also has a safe concerns on this episode ashore. But it's like there. Is that messages in your mind that you're undesirable at a certain age and I think like we did get some people reaching out about Michael's episode to you know it's interesting to hear that perspective but it's also freaking annoying like more pressure. Yeah exactly but I think the reason we wanted to. It's a reality and people do think that way. Yeah on how do we make they? Don't I don't know if we can. I don't you you have to change your narrative and the only way to change your narrative is to hear fresh perspectives. I remember I was twenty five years old working at an Ad Agency and I was crushing on this guy so hard in one day we were out. I don't know At a bar. I'm sure he says something. Like the woman who who made the most lasting impression on me is really amazing forty year old woman who is just so womanly and no self well and you know. She's had she's experienced life. And that's that's my ultimate girl. She's my dream and I was twenty five years old and this guy's like no. I'm hiding over this forty year old. So that's a fresh perspective. Because now I think back to that comment and I think well. That's my narrative now. I'm almost forty year old woman with a lot of life behind me already and I am very confident as a woman back in the day for all the listeners. Have Michael Vargas as a House member on? This story is the mushroom try. Yeah I'll about his love for like a forty year old and I think that's a really good point because even listen to the Michael's or you can listen to other Michael Michael of choosing what you're focused on. Because I think like is sometimes guilty that I will grab it. It's human nature that you have a narrative you're trying to find proof points to support it in his. You've heard all this time. The older you get the harder it is and all this stuff maybe the challenges to look and see what other narratives you're skimming over fit that story and also at as we get older we have to be really happy about the fact that now some things don't matter we can. We can re look at how we approach dating for example dating apps in the game like if your early twenties or even late twenties you as many matches as possible. You're swiping all the time. You're anxious about it. But I think as we get older how we use dating APPS very different for sure. I feel like when I reached thirty five. I kind of thought while. I don't want me options on dating APPs because they just don't WanNa think about it that much I don't have the time to waste on. are not accountable for their own action. I agree with that. I think I'm very much like a quicker to meet now because I just don't have the time to talk to so you're really good at taking things I are all. Well it's that or never gonNA meet them like I've had people literally what's chat for three weeks now. We'RE GONNA learn if we liked each other. I agree with you. WanNa learn a little about them before you meet up. There's a line but I think that's actually a good segue to our partner for this episode super excited about this but we are partnering with Water Dating. Apps a new dating APP on the scene. I think that's really cool by them. I actually tried it out. The other day was Super Fun because it contains it to. Just Sunday's get your batches and you can chat with them only on Sunday and the idea is that you don't have this lag you get in. They can happen. I love this idea flutter because I think one you're organizing your focus. Yeah on just that one day so that you don't have to think about the rest of the week like forget it. You take one day out to focus on dating Sundays. The perfect because like I've tried to make dates on Sunday. It's always really tough as you're like I'd WanNa Lake Watch. Tv for the Week Stars. Relax on your APP is a good job for flutter for coming out something new mkx sons. Try to get on a Sunday. But I'd love to hear other our listeners experiences you can download the APP store right now on. Ios right now and there are currently only an ESA currently bay area bay area Bayer currently but they are going to be expanding. So if you can't Allen today remember it perfect ladder. Download it now and Brad should we introduce who you love? Right let's our conversation with Brad. He is a he currently lives in New York City originally from Detroit.

00:15:04 - 00:20:00

He is thirty five. But we've referred SALONGO. He might be forty five thirty six of us. At the time we recorded. He was dating someone but didn't define the relationship yet so hopefully by now they've defined the either direction. Yeah Yeah because he also does a podcast call to all to date. Which is where the south stem pro is a scripted comedy? Podcast about dating. I just want to add this one last thought I had someone told me this. Allow AGO AFTER THEY. They gave birth and this is related to aging and and just aging in general. Have you noticed as you get older? The days seem shorter in your time just flies by her years. Come short while there's a reason for that because how you perceive time as relative to how long you been alive so think about a baby interested like the one year old baby. Another year is their whole lifetime. They've only experienced a year so they expect another year. That seems like a lifetime because they've only been elaborate year right so as we get older we feel like time goes so fast so we feel like we need to get more things done or sometimes we're like don't waste my time because my time is and that's actually it's not just a perception. It's how it's true it's actual so we should think about that as aging in dating to like cut out the bullshit because you time is flying by right. Yeah was MIC. Drop drop thirty. Get to Brad. We've talked about men dating in New York. Remember those episodes Julie Lee had guests. They would do that. Like location swiping. Let's go and they change your location to New York. Swipe for Women York Line them up in their pipeline. Go to New York and date their ass off. Our guest today has a different side of the story. He lives in New York and tell us all about what is like dating there especially as a thirty five year old. So Brad you still there. I'm still here his thirty-five exceptionally old. Free all know the same age. But you've got the podcast too old to date. So that's why we're going to hear from you if it's tool area. We've got a geriatric on the phone from New York. We got the nursing home for syphilis. That is backed by the way the truth is also the creator of the scripted comedy. Podcast too old to date where it takes us through the dating lives of Michael and Bradley. Would YOU BE Bradley? Bradley Me We really stretched for character. Follow these 235-year-old mandating in New York. Michael is recently divorced and Bradley had a relationship in his twenties. Both of their first time really dating in their mid thirties. Hence the podcast name. So let's talk about that. How is your character similar to Bradley's character when we started the show it was pretty much like for be what's happening in our dating live or at least when we started writing the show so the process of making an episode tool today is kind of a long painful on from like beginning to write a script so getting it produced an out takes takes a quite a bit of time to the point that like what was happening when we wrote? The episode is definitely not happening anymore so in the beginning the character was of Bradley in the character of Michael. Were exactly what was going on. And by the time we're actually airing the show Mike was already in another relationship and I was doing a different sleep of people than I was when the show started. So I've listened to a couple episodes. I really love it at. I think one thing that is really interesting to me because obviously I have over women's perspective in dating but it seems like both your characters have a lot of challenges kind of with women responding in actually showing up for. Is this something that you experience in your dating life in New York Yeah so I mean flavorings huge problem. I think probably anywhere I. I don't date anywhere else so I don't know but I think getting anyone to show up but it also from from my female friends point of view getting people to just commit to a date is really tough and the amount of points of contact you have to have between when you first started speaking to someone and actually meeting them face to face. It's insane how many times you have to chat and follow up and make sure that it's still happening while at the same time not seeming to overeager and spoiling the whole thing before before it even takes off Yeah it's a huge problem now. Mike has actually been stood up a few times. Which was the basis of I think the first or second episodes storyline thankfully. That's never happened to me. I the first time I ever tried to go on when I moved to New York. She canceled on me as I was putting my shoes on so at least I never left. My apartment has some time thirty minutes right so I think shoes really cutting close.

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But I've never had to suffer the embarrassment of showing up somewhere and having the other person not show up And he had and I thought that was fascinating because to me that it only happened in TV shows. I couldn't imagine that happening in real life may really happened him house again. That's we're doing that one right away. How many times did that happen? Like happened him twice in one week. Daisy we talked about at once in the show but happened him twice in the same way he was coming out of a marriage and was like I think trying to go out with as many people as could and you really ran into a lot of terrible problems wanting to get back with a sex life. I mean sometimes those thoughts could cross your mind. The backside is very dangerous but I don't think that ever happened. I feel like I've talked to a lot of male friends. And they've said that flaking is a very real thing like they are never sure like until day that that President like not even day out of like our before. That person is GONNA show up. It's tough when you've never met someone like this like in the frustration. I think a lot of people do this where we're we're to a point where people are making multiple dates in a day or even even short of doing that there. Maybe there's someone that they like already that they've been on a few dates within your the hedge day like I'm feeling insecure. Some just GonNa make the state for that date and that you know like any kind of thing where your contingency plan or you're like number two on a on a list. You're very likely to cancel them so I just feel like. It's just being disrespectful of other people's time because they're trying to optimize our own time right but end of the day I believe in Karma. Whatever goes around comes around to learn their lesson so it might intro. I talked about these Two male gas came on our show. Who talked about dating in New York? And how wonderful I was. And how the dating scene San Francisco can you even compare? What would you say to these guys like? How would you describe the New York dating scene from a male's perspective? So they were saying that the New York dating scene was so much better than the San Francisco. I'll give you a couple of points. They sit that women take better care of their looks too so they put put in more effort on district share more aggressive. And also. There's just more women so I think all of that sounds kind of gross. Yeah I don't know maybe just I'm hearing in the context of I just came from a Dinner Party. That was like all women. And so everything. Dude say sounds gross. This episode did not get good reception. Data Point for point doubt very much that women take better care of their looks in any one city than another. I mean I'm sure there's like differences in culture between like a rural area urban area suburban area but I think people in cities are generally pretty image conscious. There's a lot of people around. I think here you'll meet people who are both aggressive and not aggressive. Every every kind of person is here. I I have noticed to be any kind of seem. I'm sure if you people who are like let's say you have a type of woman that you like or type of man that you're into you're probably gonNA find that they're more of one way or the other but if you're just open to meeting people in General. I don't think New York has any specific person and then that third point are more women. That's it is statistically there's more women than men here but you're not trying to date every woman in New York and every woman's not trying to date every man you are. You're trying to do people in your age group and people that you're attracted to and might be attracted to you and that probably is pretty even on a male to female ratio. How WOULD YOU DESCRIBE THE NEW YORK? Dating Seaman is just too many people. So because of that everyone flakes and everyone's like quickly onto the knacks and there's not a lot of room for error. And because I think a lot of people when they date for any given amount of time they burn out so I'll meet people who are either are just having met someone and are getting into something in the real excited. I'm like coming CIDER to wash that. Other shoe drop or you'll meet people who have just been on like twelve bad dates in two weeks and then burned out and then they won't do anything for a while So it's it is. I do think it's getting harder and harder because people are pretty cynical because the amount of folks here who are doing it. But I'm sure because of that. There's probably a bit of backlash coming soon. Like let's get off dating apps kind of situation. I think it's already happening. Yeah Yeah but you talk about so you are thirty five years old dating now. When was your last serious relationships? It ended a three or four years ago. I was thirty one in your twenties. Did you have a lot of relationships? Did you serial monogamy all the way through. Wow before this one ended. Did you do any sort of online? Dating will a lot of them. I met through online dating but I feel like so. I moved to New York. Eleven years ago and online dating then was sort of still embarrassing. So people who did it were pretty loyal. Asamoah knows like we're all in this together to make this thing work.

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The first two girls that I dated both for a couple of years I met I met online. Let site of the first one was jade. Eight NOT NOT J. Swipe like an actual website to go on and we are J. Date and then after that it was. Oh my God do I not remember? That's embarrassing I actually don't remember the APP that I met the the next one on But we were together for quite a while and then after that. I did at someone who I met through. A friend got to feel normal for a little bit different. Do you think dating is in your twenties versus your thirties. It's hard to say. I think it's a matter of perception like Honestly there's probably no actual difference except you have the experience built up from your twenties in all Zuno the mistakes you've made all the mistakes or the red flags that you can't handle from other people but aside from that for me. It's just how much going to let being in my thirties. Make me self conscious about How how long? I am in a relationship or how quickly I want the relationship to move or let's talk more about that age pressure not as much Something very nice to me when my youngest sister got married last summer as You know all your friends a lot of the people who grew up in my hometown. Stay in my hometown. And then they get so they get married. They settled on pretty quickly as as hometown. People tend to do. I said no Isn't embarrassing to you at all. That all your friends kids are married in an interesting all. No you skipped your first divorce. I'm really happy about and that takes a ton of the pressure off. Plus both my sisters or one of my sisters has a kid already. My Dad I was the only boy but my dad decided that he would just get married again and had another son. So there's someone to carry on the family name. If I don't do it so I looked out in that regard. My parents were pretty chill about that kind of thing but I think about it more in terms of like when I think about dating. It's our win. Thinking about that. In terms of do they really want hold sperm for their babies? Do people have you heard that from women or this is just in. Your head is probably a combination of like not what I hear from women who actually going out with the what I hear from Mike. My friends and my female friends marrying Zayed's about their age and like reasons. They might not date much older although there might so. They're dating older than me but but not very much. So I don't think about in terms of like where I'm at now but like should this relationship that I'm in now now workout. What happens next? So what are some of the things that they say about dating older Matt? I mean so. I think there's an appeal to it in terms of just you're more variance but there is some of like so. I've never been engaged. I've never been married when my writing partner Mike was dating. I think there were some women who who liked affected. He'd been divorced because because he had the experience of being married is showed some level of maturity You know you hear a lot of people being like divorcees baggage. But if you meet Mike you can see doesn't have baggage so it just seems like he went through this experience. The probably taught him a lot which is true and probably why he got. He's already married again now out at. You just had a baby a couple months ago. Yeah he really did it fast. But do you think about age? When you're dating a like do you look at a girl's age and thank how she is to all or she's too young? I really don't I know I. I do think that that men do in general but but I really don't and I think it's because I could go either way on kids like I would like kids but I don't see it as being the end of the world if I don't have them deck is a bit of relief in terms of that too although the woman I'm seeing now is twenty nine. So maybe I'm maybe I'm being hypocritical when I say that not practicing what I preach lie. In what way in like she's of age were I'm dating someone where time is not really an issue. There is a decent amount of time there to collect right. Thought it so I guess like are you feeling pressure. Is it more just like if this doesn't work? Got Him wasting time. Yeah I do think about that anytime. I start to get into something with anyone but then it doesn't actually affect my actions all that much or maybe it. Does you no no? It definitely doesn't because in the last I would say two or three years anyone that I've really liked the the extra curricular about them the age where the from. What kind of personally are like faded away? If I had feelings for them it didn't really matter so any pressure I feel is more about A little voice in my head saying if this doesn't work at you're going to be a calendar year older when it's when you're done with us and who are you going to be appealing to when really like there's no reason to worry about that especially here because there's so many people someone will like you know it's interesting that you have. Those thoughts is a nail. Yeah I think that anyone who tells you. They don't is lying or a sociopath. How what are you looking for? Are you looking for marriage? Yeah Yeah for sure. I definitely want a long term partner so it sounds like you've always been relationship minded being a serial monogamist for over a decade. Do you feel sometimes that maybe you WanNa go the complete opposite and just be a serial dater for awhile will know because so before I started dating this person I I was through no not intentionally but I was single for three years and I was eating a ton in those three years I and while on the one hand it was nice to have that kind of independence is very lonely and I think I'm the kind of person who who sort of like leans towards the if it's been you know six months and I haven't had any kind of significant relationship is feel like dumb I got that's probably not going to happen again or oh my God that's a real big hole that's missing so no I I I.

00:30:32 - 00:35:02

I've had the the dating experienced in the thought of like dating ton of people doesn't excite me at all anymore. Okay so thirty one was your last serious relationship in then from there until this current person that you're dating but haven't defined yet you've been single. Yeah just little two two three one two three months. Stinger why do you think none of those got past the one two three month mark? I think it's a variety reasons I mean in one case it was just the person who I had the most feelings for before this one he was chasing someone because I had it in my head that it was a good idea and she clearly didn't I was actually a guest on a podcast the day after she broke up with me. And I've gone back and listen to that interview a couple times and thought to myself dude. That was so dumb like she was so clearly. Not that from the beginning. And you just chase chase. So that was an instance of like just seeing what I wanted to see trying to force something that wasn't there and then in other cases it was I would go out with someone few times. Who seemed like fifteen year old? Brad be really proud of you for dating this person. Put but fifteen year old. Brad doesn't know anything so impressive. It's hard to put time around day than you and I were just having this conversation like you see someone once every couple weeks versus consistently a couple times a week. It's very different but I feel like especially as you get a little older. Sometimes things. Don't make it past like a month or three months there. There's kind of like a few of these milestones that happen because I think again. I'm not speaking for everyone but a lot of us are looking for something more long term kind of new at a certain point. If this is something worth pursuing for sure momentum is such a big part of it like just like what you were saying if you don't hit those milestones at the right time it's GonNa stop and the other piece about dating when you're in your thirties. I think that's different than dating when you're in your twenties at least if you've had a lot of experience dating in your twenties is that you have certain things that you want to happen. So it's like oh I want on that first trip with my girlfriend or boyfriend After like two months and that really solidified our relationship. Why hasn't that trip come up in this relationship or like? I'm at their folks after three months there. I'm not even close to that with this person. Because you have these benchmarks you think that's a dangerous way to look at it though. Let's take a breather for a sponsor generation Tux. We've talked to enough guys know how much of it could be to find a Tux for a special event. All your grooms to be out there. 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One hundred percent is a terrible way to look at it. I do think it's a little bit unavoidable. I compared to this. I've met a lot of people who say to me. I want to have the lifestyle and give my children the lifestyle that I had when I was growing up. Clearly these are people who have like a nice hampering and I think that's dangerous too because it sets up like in what might be an unrealistic expectation for your future happiness and I think people do that with relationships to where they think okay. I was listening for three years and two of those years or really great and I'd like to get back to what made me feel good in those first two years and avoid what happened in the third year super dangerous not smart but a little bit maybe like part of human nature said. Do you have a timeline? No no I mean not one that I'd like say out loud because I don't want to admit to myself that a thing so let's say you're close to fifty and still single will. What's the alternative like? Let's say I'm fifty install single like I'm not gonNA jump off a bridge like you just you just have to deal right now. That's that's the other piece you don't get to control what happens to you so when I meet like especially we've been talking about about a woman's timeline. When I meet women who are older and have sort of come to terms with the fact that kids probably future really respect that and think it's great when a when they are just like this is the life I'm having now.

00:35:02 - 00:40:01

These are the cards I was dealt doesn't happen for everyone else. Let's move forward so I try to think about that. I like hearing what people think is different about dating in their age range right now versus ten years ago. I think about the difference for me of dating in my thirties. I'm in my late thirties. And dating in my twenties is I feel like in your twenties. Everyone's still like kind of in the same category in terms of like you're making similar kind of money a similar stage in your career similar stage in your person alive and you kind of start at the same line and then your thirties. That's when you see drastic differences in people's lives. You see people like five kids. All of a sudden people know kids or people who are divorced. People who their careers have catapulted. I there's just more diversity of people in this age range so in your twenties you. Kinda date like the same people but in your thirties I feel like I encounter different people interesting. I think for me it would be that in my twenties. I just didn't think about things like I was. I was Kinda more. Go with the flow in honestly. I don't know if that's good or bad. I think in some ways. It's a really great thing to let things like naturally develop not put these timelines like. Why didn't God vacation with them? In month one something stupid like I think. That is a little dangerous but at the same time. If you don't have any goals that you're going for like a vision. Things can just kind of like not go anywhere so I felt like I twenty's I was kind of like all Party in fond in. Take things as they go in then like you wake up and you're like oh I'm thirty. People are having children so it's like it's a different situation. I think now a little for better or worse a little more calculated. If I don't see something progressing than I may push back on it or end it. Do you guys think about this. Like in my twenties when I envisioned someone in their thirties. Wander fucking old and too. I just assume they're married with kids all right so I just assumed that in my thirties I be married with kids. I didn't know what my roadmap look like. You just assume that's what your life would be and I woke up one day. Thirty five remember thirty five and I was like what the hell like here. Not that I don't love life it's like how did I get here? I know for sure I remember like when I was in my mid even late twenties this my female friends were dating a guy who is in his mid thirties. It'd be like what's wrong with them. I don't WanNa take people in their twenties out of my age range dating APP but like I do think about like well. What's let's say I meet a girl WHO's twenty six? What are her guy friends going to think about me yeah? I think it's actress because it's like on one side. I've definitely I kind of had that same moment. Like you just said that you're like wait all of a sudden like I'm ex agent single like what is going on. How do I get here but I think at the same time like I remember talking about this therapy and it's like when you're in a certain age that's where you are at that point in your life is sometimes? I'm like I just wish I started dating younger. Like I wish I like had more serious situations earlier in my life could have got it over those heartbreaks and move forward and all of us down a little earlier so I might not be where I am at this age but I don't know that it matters because like the right person had to come around come around regardless of what you've already been through. Yeah Christmas hasn't yet. That's what I was gonna say is like by basically listen to your third like she is basically like you are where you are because you weren't there then in like your experiences are all building on each other to get you to where you are. So it's like it's easier. In retrospect to say you wish you did things differently but like at that moment like that wasn't what you wanted to do. You know I had a really interesting moment. When I was thirty I was. I was dating a twenty five year old and a thirty five year old synthetic date that whole range right so I was dating someone who was sort of like two years out of college starting career and someone who was a very established of sports anchor in New York and it was so different because the older guy would take me to these fancy dinners and we have leftovers. I save it for the younger guy off just paying it forward. Does THAT CHARACTER. That helps poor people wait. Louis Code. I was Robin Hooding. Oh that should be good dating. Yeah but I remember at one point the older guy and the younger guy came to me and said. Do you want a monogamous relationship? Do you won't be exclusive. They both wanted me to decide. And I had a moment I was sitting with my girlfriends and I was like.

00:40:01 - 00:45:02

I don't know if I I'm ready. To choose thirty five year old. Who's so ready for marriage and kids? Were this twenty five year old. Who's just trying to figure out himself. Yeah Fun and who do you think chose the twenty five year? Yes I did so when I look back on that moment I chose this life. I chose to go that a younger route and still trying to find myself. So I don't have a Obviously we shouldn't have any regrets. But I look back on that moment. I say while I I purposely chose that. Yeah but I think you probably just weren't ready at that point or he wasn't the right person one of those two things when you probably with the older guy if you're not ready and you can see this being something that could have been scary or if you wasn't the right person you're like this might actually happen. Where the younger guy? Even if you didn't think he was the right person you're probably like nothing's actually can happen. That's true yeah that's true. I can see some awesome storyline series. Those two Extremes that you have it's it is interesting though like what advice you would give your younger self defeating. Yeah what would you say to your younger Self Brad? I would tell myself to relax enlighten. Yeah so how I? How young are we talking like? Just say twenty five. Actually I think twenty five year old. Bradley SORTA figured out and I had a thirty one year old brass twenty one year old. Brad I would tell like cut all the blonde out of your hair and I leased my hair a few times in college. I think that's a huge mistake. But it's Detroit. Everyone does it though. I think that's a good point though is because like we're saying. In retrospect it might twenties. I would have dated more something like that but you could be dating all the time and have super serious relationships you get married and you could end up in the same place you just never know with life anytime of your stage like people that are happily married now in theory could be having a divorce party and being re entered into the singles market. You the very first time so you life. Yeah I guess you can never goes back to like. Would you have stared at a different way? I guess like you just can't look at it that way. I remember a conversation with our friend Melissa about that movie sliding doors and she she only remember the beginning of the movie where she had two different lives and yeah that could have happened but I only remember the end of that movie where she ended up the same possession regardless of the story line. So you kind of just you're just supposed to be on whatever path you're to be on you just end up where you're supposed to be but I do have to say in my twenties although I think all of us were trying to explore and being open minded in and seeing what's out there I felt like I knew everything like I known him instable. I felt like I had my shit together. I thought I had my life planned out. I don't know if you guys about that now now. When I was in college I was dating someone from the first day of orientation through the beginning of senior year and I thought for sure she and I'd be married by the city together. We've been married. Twenty six have kids though thing and then of course by the time I got senior. I was like all was not. That's not on the table anymore. He not so. I'll just type person though that never think I can't think more than like a couple months in the future like I have a hard time like thinking far in advance. I think that's a blessing and a curse or anything that comes from. Where does that come from? Rei Cycle analyzing today. That comes from and I actually. I did talk about this therapist to as I remember like I was deciding whether I should like get back together with an ex-boyfriend and a friend of mine was like well. What do you want your life to look like in five years? And how does he fit into it and I was like I thought like I have no idea than like I remember bringing it up to my therapist to her saying like that's not always a bad thing because like you literally cannot plan how the next five years of your life like even try to like? It's just not going to happen the way you think it's going to happen. The PRO is that you're not like setting yourself up for disappointment either but then the con again. Like if you do have something that you want to work towards it helps you at least have like a line vision. So I don't know what the right answer is. But that's how I operate and I've learned to accept that in yet for better for worse. I guess I would say to your question earlier. Now I've never thought like at a certain point like this is how my life is because I'm just like never thinking like that. I just had a weird thought a minute ago. You asked what advice would you give your younger self and then I think about like what might change. Had I taken some advice that my older self would give my younger self but then I I have a little bit of anxiety over then. I wouldn't have experienced this cool thing that happened or this event and like maybe maybe my life is exactly where I wanted to be right now but a lot of dope stuff has happened to me. I wouldn't want to have lost those experiences. I think that is a good way to look at it and I was gonNA say the advice.

00:45:02 - 00:50:04

I'd give my younger self. I think the one I guess I will. I don't want to use the word regret because I think it's a teach me a lot about what I'm looking for in the future but I did stay in a bad situation. That wasn't a real relationship for far too long and it was a situation where the guy flat out was like. I'm not looking for a relationship but I think the advice I give myself is take someone at face value when they raised some. Don't try to think that you're gonNA change someone because you're just not. That is my probably one area that I'm like. Why'd I waste like two years with this like on again off again situation that was just doomed from the start pretty much but then on the flip side? I now know what I'll never do again to go through exactly like it's easier to say you'll never do something but until you know how freaking Shitty at feels like you're gonNA actually really know for sure I once I was on a bad date once and I don't remember what I said to this girl but she looked at me and said okay so this is probably where it ends with us and I said why CONC- said because of whatever I just said I'm going to try to remember it for the end of the story. I'm sure fail officials like whatever whatever I just said. She was like people. Tell you the truth about themselves. And it's the only thing I really remember from the from the date. I went out with her but I think about her saying that. All the time when people tell you the crappy things about themselves thinking. It's not a big deal. It's really important to listen to those things absolutely. That's a good segue to some of our takeaways from this entire conversation Do you have any that you WANNA kick off takeaways takeaways. Let me think about this. How ABOUT JULIA START? We're GONNA volleyball. I guess there was Out I'll use this as a takeaway. There was a question that we were going to ask you what I still do. WanNa ask you but are you ever too old to date given the name of your podcast and I think the takeaway I have is no. We're at different places at different times like we're saying earlier there's really no way to predict the future. There's no way to kind of unwind the past so I think it's just like taking your at at the current state and looking at what you've learned from the past in having maybe not in a agenda like mapped out day by day year by year future but at least kind of a vision of what you're looking for and being able to kind of recognize like what meets that and what doesn't but I think at the end of the day like you learn from every experience whether that's getting stood up for date or two stating nonstop for three years and not. Having any of these days come into fruition to actually being with someone that isn't the right person for you to being someone. That is the right person for you so I think just throughout at all. It's a learning experience and that's really all we can take from all these experiences. Remind me to ask both of you a question at end of takeaways but yes on the similar theme of are you too old to date. I think part of this is because I think we're all really harsh on our younger selves. 'cause we always talk about like. I did this stupid thing or I couldn't believe I did this. I couldn't believe I said this. Could we be more loving towards her young and Catholic high five ourselves for doing some of the things that we are proud of does accomplishments or getting through heartbreaks or hardships? That you didn't think you could get through at that time. Because I think when we're nicer to our memories of her younger selves than were become nicer to our present selves as well totally. Brad do you have any takeaways? I mean as we've been talking. I think a lot about the way that I think about memory and time and things that have passed them. I say a lot that once a once a relationship ends it's sort of it's sort of starts to feel like it never happened because memory and thinking of things in three dimensions is kind of difficult for us to do so. There's actually almost no point in being hard on your past self because in a way there's only presence of the past kind of like didn't even exist. That's maybe a little too much of a scrambled thought but it's it's very much on my mind as we're talking about about time passing in terms of. I got a little a little like a misty in my chest when he was saying about showing love to your to your house and I think maybe like realize that when you were younger and maybe a little more enthusiastic. You had certain things figured out that you've over thought by now and and maybe maybe let some of those overthinking moments go because stuff will work itself out one way or the other anyway. Yeah I think the other takeaway have is Dow in your thirties. Us The wisdom that you've learned from your twenties and the wisdom of that you just know in general of maybe a better idea what you'll stand for what you're looking for all of that. But I think there's also some of the youthfulness of your twenties of not worrying too much where things go in just like kind of winging it and playing it by air in leading things naturally unfolds. That you also don't WanNa lose in your thirties especially in a new relationship because I think we are too rigid about like must see this person X.

00:50:04 - 00:55:02

amount of two days a week. I must invocation with this person within X. Amount of months of our relationship like all of those roles that were setting. If someone doesn't meet them exactly you're like in a way. Set yourself up for failure with it opposed to like working with them and getting to a place that works for both of you so again like there's something nice about knowing what you're looking for but it's also extremely limiting so maybe it's like pick your battles with areas that you're like. I will not sacrifice this. This is a total deal breaker for me versus the other areas. That you like to see what happens a little more. So here's my question to both of you on this theme of are you too old to date. Were just age. In general being all three of us in our society is what do you think are some of the limiting beliefs of age and dating? And what are some of the beliefs are actually true? So I'll give you an example. I think limiting belief is that weighing. You are in your mid thirties. You should have things figured out and you should have a family. That's a limiting belief because if we believe that we fall short from left-hander but what is aid an actual truth is by thirty five. You shouldn't have repeated the same mistakes that you did in your twenties so I think that's an actual bullies okay. We're doing that. We have I'm going to say this is a true and false. I don't know if this counts in your in your exercise here but I think there is a perception older. You get the smaller. The dating pool as limiting beliefs up. But I also think we do hear a lot of men again. It's not every man because I have heard some. Maybe this isn't a limited relief. Because I think the truth part is that there is a biological factor right like for women and then you even said at Brad. Like older sperm. Right there is some of this is actually is biological however there are many situations the people having kids well into their forties so some of it is a limiting belief that you can't however there is a truth that the older you get the more difficult to get the dock. Say That's not true at all. Have another side of it too and I read this study somewhere now that we are entering relationships for a different purpose like men are not expected to necessarily be the breadwinner and women aren't necessarily expected to be the home taker or major homemaker caretaker. I don't even know anymore because it's so antiquated but I think because that's not like necessarily stereotypes that people are actually gravitating to people that are more. They're in their age range because they see that person as someone better suited to build a life with someone that may be on the same page like financially or career wise or just seemed like kind of life experiences all of that so I guess this is the very long winded. Answer to answering your thing. I think the truth definitely. There is some aspect about age. However I don't think it should be limited because I don't think that all men are all women are looking for someone that is much younger much older. Okay I think. A limiting belief is that any of the life cycle events or typical tropes of relationships marriage. Having a family that any of those things will necessarily make you happy and I think that Something that is true is that you should be open to those things happening. Because you want someone to take care of you when you're older and you know you will be alone if you if you just by too much into. I can be happy on my own terms. I don't need to think about what culture does I think that's very true. I my parents live right next to a senior community and I hear that from them. All the time said the most important thing to have when you're at their age which is like sixty seventies is companionship. Yeah but I would also argue that if that's the thing that's what you said. This is the only reason the only reason you're trying to find someone to see you're not alone when you're old. I don't know if that's the right approach either because there's no guarantees as we've talked about like you could find someone you could get divorced or God forbid something even worse happens. You just never know like I've I've had this conversation before to around having children. It's like I don't know if I want them now. But maybe in a few years off feel differently or when I'm older like I want someone to take care of me but like you can't necessarily do things because of those reasons because like just might not play out that way for sure but by that same sort of logic by that same thinking you know you could die tomorrow but it doesn't mean shouldn't put money in your retirement account. It's definitely should not be the only reason you do anything because there'll be someone of as you in the old folks home but it doesn't hurt to maybe have a contingency plan her.

00:55:02 - 00:58:52

Maybe have it somewhere in your mind that maybe I should be a little bit more open to to something. That doesn't seem perfect. This is somewhere that we're all going in the best case scenario. Yeah I think the point there is being open to it whereas I think some people may be so dating fatigued by now. They're doing the Hashtag single live. Saw out you know like just so embracing that so much that they're turning their head away from people that may be suitable for them so just being open you know different situations is important like you can't predict the future when you also and I think it's like you shouldn't be limited by age as we're saying but you also can't be naive that there isn't a clock ticking right like it does exist again. I don't think you should roll your world by it but I do think you need to be aware that in five ten years you are not going to be the same age that you are now exactly all right cool while that was a good discussion. It's good to you know I just have to say selfishly for myself. It's good to hear that guys happy similar feelings about Egypt makes me feel much better. So that's good thanks Brad. I just think it's crazy if the thought that anyone would not semi we all look in the mirror and don't recognize herself sometime. That's only gonNA get worse. We're all in it together. Yeah we're all aging together all that Cedar Hope Together. Well I already started my buttocks so you guys can be. I won't be a few years behind. Change Your to Cedar Point Cedar. You still be be warriors of us what we got some time. Okay we'RE GONNA rock this up things again. Brad if you guys WanNa hear his podcast with Mike. It's called too old to date. Yeah yet over. The consensus is never to alternate uncle. Who's ninety eight? Who is still dating right? He was getting. Yeah like you come in and out he could be married could be debut again. You never know. Yup It's it's you know it's a cycle. It's just goes down and And if people want to get in touch with Iran like is or left side can refer them to for sure you can head to tool today dot com on twitter or instagram. Were at at too old to date. Your grammar has got to be good to spell that right and home and then were were you can email us at Info at tool today dot com also last spoken from the mail. Carrie Bradshaw himself. That's a tough one to take rate in nursing. Thirty five th avenue but dateable podcast is part of the FROLIC PODCAST NETWORK. Five more podcast. You'll love frolic dot media slash podcasts. Want to continue the conversation. I follow us on Instagram. Facebook and twitter with the handle at dateable podcast tag as in any post with a Hashtag. Stay dateable and trust us. We look at all those posts then head over to our website dateable PODCASTS DOT com there. You'll find all the episodes as well as articles videos in our coaching service. With vetted industry experts can also find our premium y series where we dissect analyze an offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums. Roseau downloadable for free on spotify apple podcast. Google play overcast stitcher radio and other podcasts platforms. Your feedback is valuable to us. So don't forget to leave us a review and most importantly remember to stay dateable.