Season 10 Episode 13: Zumped

00:00:00 - 00:05:01

The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world. everyone. Welcome to another episode of dateable. A show all about modern dating. Julie have you been having seven down? You know what it was funny. I was like trying to think back to a certain day last month. And I'm like I have no idea when that was. I can't even put any sort of context whatsoever at this point. Everything's blend together. How is it may already? I know seriously I don't understand because time goes by really fast and slow for me. Oh absolutely I think like each week like on a daily basis everything goes by super fast. At least uh-huh within like collectively. It's like Oh my God. This is only been two full. Mons like doesn't it feel a lot longer? Yeah was like we've been doing this for half a year. I mean some people haven't even done two full months like I feel like I started a little earlier just because of the fact that I can do virtual work but the fact that it's only two months is so nuts. I started taking pictures of all the sign edge around the city just so yeah memory. This time I don't know I feel like we're going to be in the history books and might as well. I was thinking about that. Be like a really interesting thing to tell future. Generations for sure took a really nice long walk like two weeks ago like to the beach area and it was just like so crazy. All the boarded up buildings in every yet happening. Yeah it's not should be taking pictures of well that I now through Union Square and I just WanNa take pictures of all. The retail stores that were all boarded up the sign. Edge is just a kills me a little bit. 'cause everything's like. Please do not be around Groups of four or more. You know it all is really. I don't know it's very morbid. We'll I think a lot of it too like we're reading the signs also and a lot of them were like. I think they were from before things got really bad. Linguine businesses. Were starting to shut down because member like bars and restaurants like started shutting down like a little earlier in a lot of it. Like have you heard of this thing coca run virus back in months right. Yeah there wasn't much education all of a sudden. Everybody was an expert. Yeah for sure in your room has like a bug like fly can cure it through. The speaker is like where is it? So we're on a zoom call. And all I see your face fringing and looking like a crazy just because these these headphones like amplify sound so I probably wouldn't even if I didn't have the lawn but it's like coming through. It's like in your neighbors about this. Does that sound so weak seven? How are you doing because you're essentially living with your boyfriend right now? I feel like we've gone through. Every cycle of a relationship had are high in the beginning. You know what the big L. Word reveal and Ben we had are like or domesticated and just try to live life and then we try to figure out a way to have some me time. So we've been taking like one day a week off Selena thing and recently we've been having a lot of little things that come up when you live with someone. Yeah sure could really bother you. And those things they pile up and they come they could explode one day so the slough sound Saddam. But I'm just gonNa tell you anyway so our recent flight was every Friday we get Boba to me. That's a way to celebrate so I call it Boba Fridays. Yeah you got to do the little things and Salvador and every Friday morning I take out my phone and I go. Whatever UBER EATS or whatever type in Bova and just randomly select Abo- place. I can get Boba will this week. He totally pooh-poohed on my parade 'cause he said when I got up my phone out he was like not do Boba. Today dislike Nafi. Lana really killed waiting. I'll wait for like you understand. Thursday night to me was already the beginning of Bobo Friday.

00:05:02 - 00:10:16

Any this and to him. It wasn't a really big deal but I guess to me. I had to explain that. It took a week to build up to this. And it's not about the really it's about having a partner to celebrate knees little wins me and it really disappointed me that he couldn't be on this ride with me and celebrate so. I had explain it in that way but when I first set 'cause it took me a whole day to tell him what was wrong with me. He was like what's wrong. What's wrong like I can tell you the finally at dinner like a mad at you because you didn't celebrate Bobo Friday with me but it's I guess in a relationship if always always start with with like this little trigger but it's something deeper and I just I just really love it when my partner celebrates with me and he understood that I decided clean it in words. You thought so interesting because like that. I mean that seems like it's still a manageable thing but you mentioned like living with someone you see all sides of them right and you were very like. I don't want to live with someone before I get married. You remember that yes you feel like your opinions in general have really transformed over these last four years. I remember you saying that really loud and clear and I personally feel like you kinda have to live with someone before you get married to see it all. I don't know what your thoughts are now. Yeah I think after this whole experiment with us. I think I'm still not can it 'cause right now yes. We are living together to some extent but I still have my own apartment so I can still go back there. You true fully giving that up I mean I just think about all. Those episodes on sex in the city of Carey Sang. She didn't want to give up her apartment and big being like. Why can't you give your apartment? I'm still in that. Camp is until I get full commitment. Yeah of both of us is not just him. I'm not willing to give up that apart. You Ever Really Nice Studio apartment. That could end up being dateable studio someday. So I think you should keep thing regardless one happens guardless. Hopefully that is like the best. Yeah I know I think about just having your own space absolutely with saving us right now. Yeah so I'm still in that Camp Julie. I don't think I've changed my mind on it. You're more like okay. I'm okay doing like extended time together but I still want to not live with my partner before marriage. Yeah I think that's where I'm at a good middle ground right. I agree and I even before this happened. I was spending probably most of the week here with him. Bright Anyway and spending two or three days during the week at my place and it's just a nice break from each other from the relationship. Sometimes you need personal space. You just need work on your own shit right. Yeah and I. I really think it will speaking of working your own shit. I do WanNa thank our sponsor for this episode. Better help is has been just so valuable in having me. Captain is on the meantime. Because they've helped me to really improve my mental wellbeing so especially during this time in as I've said in previous administrations it's really unpredictable. The emotions can arise and then all of a sudden they build up and I have no idea where the root of it is so speaking with a professional a better help has really helped me find them. Root of where my emotions come from some really grateful that there one of our sponsors. I make it a habit to talk to my therapist regularly. Because sometimes you just need to talk things out as with over three thousand. Us licensed professionals across fifty states. You're sure to find that right one for you at a very affordable price and now dateable assors only you get ten percent off your first month with the Code dateable get started today by going to better help dot com slash dateable simply fill out a questionnaire to assess your needs in get matched with a suitable counselor again. That's better help dot com slash dateable. Use The Code D. A. T. E. L. E. E. for ten percent off your first one. Yeah I mean you know how much I love better health and I saw. I also think like I'm just thinking about your example with the Boba right like if you can't process what's happening for you you're just going to explode your partner. If you like you find what Bopha we can't be together right so I think there's just something that's so important about processing and having that communication and I mean this time to kind of make or break it for couples ray now right and I think just having that arm I mean it's a really good segue to this week's episode where we learned this new dating term Zapping which is basically getting dumped over zoom. Which you know is inevitable. During this time we're getting laid off via zoom. So I guess like why. Would this be any different well? I'm excited for this conversation because we bring up so many of these old ways of thinking about relationships about breaking up in about how you should be breaking up with people and I think we come to some very mature with the term something so I without further ado.

00:10:16 - 00:15:18

Let's what's so exciting about this episode. Is that we got to the root of dumping when I mean by this is we interviewed the woman who basically inspired the word dumpy. So you're hearing first visit exclusive interview. So let's hear from Julia. Here's a funny story for you. We have a facebook group called love in the time corona and someone posted. Have you heard of this new dating term called something and I had the same reaction as I did when I heard about benching when I heard about ghosting and bread cramming and like I don't know anymore there's so many terms right? Juliet is just like these dating terms. Keep popping up the woman who posted it she's like dumping is when you're dumped over zoom in of course how fitting is it that people are getting dumped over zoom during this time of current virus. But we went to the root of the person who put it on the map right and her name is Julia. She's she is a guest on our show today but she's also I mean. Have you ever created a dating term or been the person to the root of a dating term? Say This is not what I thought would be the first entry in my capacity. It's this is your big break right now. I gotTa be successful later in life so that this isn't what tombstone that I will say. This Julia. I am so proud of you because because of this okay for centuries now we've tried to find the root of these words we're these terms come from and we could never find that origin and with you. I found it. It was on twitter on April night. You tweeted AM I. The first person who's been dumped over zoom it had sixty three thousand likes eighteen hundred re tweets and one thousand comments but what I learned after tweeting that is that I am absolutely not the first person to have been dumped on zoom through replied to that tweet and that it had happened to them to Dan Me so I may have been the first to tweet it. But I'm certainly not the first person to be some while so your tweet went viral soon. After you posted that Guardian picked it up they coined the term something and then you wrote an essay about it for Buzzfeed News. It's the gift that keeps on giving. Isn't it really is it really is so who is Julia? Let's learn a little bit more about other than the fact that she was which we shouldn't really laugh about but it. It's really nice to have you here. She is from Los Angeles originally from Los Angeles and she recently moved back to La. She's twenty six but she'll be turning twenty seven next week and maybe by the time this comes out you will be twenty. Seven hundred eighty. So let's just pretend we're in the future. Welcome to your later twenties. I guess she is pretty single and hasn't been taking a dating sabbatical. Go figure so. Let's just start with your story. You wrote a whole article about it but tell us about quote Unquote Josh. Yes so quote unquote. Josh was a very nice boy who net like February. We only went on three dates before quarantine so I wanNA make it like super clear. He was not my boyfriend by any stretch of the imagination. He had like a really good feeling about him. Like we have this whole long bit about Stanley Tucci and then because I watched too many Rom coms. I was like well if we get married. Stanley Tucci is going to officiate. And I've been single for like three years. Broke up with my only serious boyfriend in two thousand seventeen and this was the first guy like truly in the last three years that I've been like I could see something happening. Decided about him. Yeah Yeah so like even though I was trying very hard not to get ahead of myself as much I I definitely like a lot of potential. And then the pandemic wait so before we go into the pandemic. What type of dates did you guys have? Before did you guys get like sexual what happened? He definitely had like an instant physical connection. I mean they were the dates. Were like out of them. Come kind of dates like like a wine bar. Me Like made out on Sunset Boulevard in L. A. And like Khanate we saw movie. We like made out a lot in the movie. Lot of making his car lot of making out a third day we did have access to go get dinner after we went to a different one bar and then we just thought there got a physical attraction here for sure. How did you meet again on an unhinged? Okay it was like a very all digital twenty twenty you know started and ended on the Internet. However things start they always that way or like all the start something during the pandemic will end during the next pandemic ou full circle last like one hundred years or ten years.

00:15:19 - 00:20:03

Not One hundred there you go. Yes silver lining so. Yeah so we had it three like beautiful like perfect ROM com magic until like a Netflix data for like picking John River. I'm calm and then the pandemic happens to. He had to go out of town for a wedding like the first weekend of March than we originally had plans to hang out the day after he got back and that was like the weekend. Things got really really with Tom. Hanks diagnosed but change Really switched up originally it like well. Let's each other day after you got back. And then he decided to drive instead of fly because of corona and then so it was like he's supposed to go back them on Tuesday and then it came back on a Friday and then we were like well. You've just traveling so we should probably self isolate for two weeks. And then I'll see you on April third. That was like two week ago when he got back. Then everyone wanted to quarantine so funny. Because I live with my parents just moved back to L. A. I'm from year so I'm living with my parents while I figure out what I'm Jana. Failing another fund layer of this. I am being particularly careful about my social even before things got really really. None of us could leave her house. Because I'm living on to people in their sixties. They would not be happening. I'm sorry mom and Dad if you're listening and if they are they're super cool obviously already subscriber totally so I was sort of waited like I didn't WanNA cancel the date because they liked him so much. I think we both kind of like new in our got in out how to like each other yet so we had a bunch of skype dates. I say skype is like the generically. Scape is the Kleenex of video conferencing. So we like see. It's time to museum. Say Right. I think media sculpt the same is clean true. Yeah well I mean that's why I tweeted with the cleaner tweet cleaner copy. Yeah we started on. We started on facetime switched over to zoom action was better like hall of the Weird Logistics. That are all playing the field with video conferencing exactly. Yeah so then like we'd fixing base Labor Day for two months that was sort of the timeframe this relationship if you can even call it that and then like the last week I wanNA wait before we go into the dump on these zoom facetime. Whatever it was like where you guys are having dates. Was it like Julie's going on redial? Nadi saw coming house about these dates. What was happening. There was a little nice I hope my parents listening. Yes so usually. We watched like one of the things we bonded over early on. It was like movies so we watched a lot of. We did like Netflix Parties. Or would like watch a movie together? Usually we'd like talk for like an hour or so and like be drinking wine eating dinner at the same time and then We'd watch a movie and see them. It took us so you literally Netflix and chill version. Yes wait so would you okay? I was going. Pg But now that we're not PG gotTA bring a full circle so were you using like zoom in time to like have virtual sad. Yeah we we tell me more. Yup What did you use? What technique with filter we definitely did the Lake Zoom. You can link touchup camera. That's a PSI out there. Yes so I was definitely doing that. Started out like even before we had our first date when he was like at a town for this wedding started sexting a little bit and it was very organic like. I've sex to you. Know Dip my toes into the into the waters as it were but like. I'm not a pro by natural and easy pandemics bringing it out. Yes yeah well. It started out like Berry Sweet. Actually like we were sort of just recapping but the one night that we'd been able to do it and then kind of like building on that it was very like Improv. E like Yes anding each other you know And yes I felt like and I guess Earth exiting but it did Sheila very like sweet so it was like not as Raunchy. Maybe as I know you made out a whole bunch before the pandemic hit were you able to sleep with each other.

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Yeah she's okay so I told him if that again. Okay that's on. You saw the penis before warranty like the goods. Yeah so did you feel like things were progressing at this point? Yes yeah honestly. So that was the weird thing was like like the first few Gates Bun and we talked long time. We talked for like hours but it wasn't until the third day that we kind of had like a real deep conversation and that was also the night that we who we'd had this like instant conversation talking about our past relationships and stuff and then he went on to town and then we sort of went back to having more superficial conversations. Kind of the news or like you know what movies you're watching or whatever and like my first inkling that like maybe he wasn't feeling it or at least. I was like I kept trying to like tip toe back to like that place of like. Let's have a real conversation. I used to read morning America and like one of a member of the crew Goes I like that and he was sympathetic. But I can tell you quick. But he wasn't really like engaging with me so that was kind of the first Mar- Oh I think we're I think it's going to be hard to have like a reeler conversation and see you. You're feeling like he's pulling back a little. Like maybe not turn deep as you wanted so then what happened so we had a date scheduled like a virtual date scheduled for last Friday the Friday. I don't remember what the day after I tweeted. And and then he texted me like. Hey are you free to talk later? That's always a bad side. I know and I I kind of knew the minute. He texted that that he was gonNA break up with me. Because I just had felt it in my bones and I have previously said in my life. I like big dumped overtaxed. Just because it's like easy to face the person you can compose your Elf. You know so i. I tried really hard to get him to do it over my gosh. So you're like oh. Can't you just talk? Could you just tell me what you WANNA say over? I said like link everything. Okay and he said Yeah. Everything's fine just want to check in about something and that really me because I was like if everything is okay. Why would you right you know? I would like frantically like texting my friends like. Do we think he's going to be doing that instead. Of just taking the call scheduled it was like our fire free at four PM or whatever it was like two. So I had like a good solid like two hours freak out like mentally prepare and whatever right and then so then we do the call and like the Internet in my house is bad. So it's like a bad connection so we're both sort of freezing a little bit and start out with some sort of like smallpox. How're you? I'm good how are you? Oh I'd also because I was pretty sure that he's GonNa maitre put on makeup. Of course. Of course you gotta look good going out and get. It reminded him what he's leaving lasting impression overseas so as Awkward Small Talk. I'm good how are you like what okay like? What's up and then? He told me that he he had just gotten out of not just for like a year ago. Basically got out of a very long term relationship with this person for seven years and which I knew about kind of the minute. He told he told me about that. On the second date. So the the minute I knew about that I sort of was like. Oh how in the back of my head but I still really liked him. So we'll we'll see where this goes and taking a time when I did definitely right like feeling ready to jump back into something. Yeah Yeah that. I've definitely dealt with people coming out of really long term relationships. It is definitely that red flag of like are they gonNa want to be in a new relationship as APP Yeah Yeah we're just was like well. He seems to be a mess so like I guess I'll take. I'll follow his lead but I also was like there's no way he's GonNa WanNa be right now right so and all made sense. I have been in relationships that have lasted well past their expiration day. It's so I am. And that is the worst. I e both are just like miserable like hating each other so I was very relieved that he did a print and honest thing and told me how he is feeling ended it sooner rather than later and then I fired off the street up. So what did he say exactly? Was He just like? I'm not ready to be in a relationship like what was his language. All men should be therapy first of all. That's my number one team. He said that he was not done.

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Grieving that relationship Okay Fair enough. Yeah I mean I think that's something we've been hearing about. These lockdowns is these old feelings are coming back and I think a lot of old issues are resurfacing and people have to deal with them and that makes perfect sense to me that this could be something that he's going through totally. There's a lot of time to think right now. Yeah I've been asked a lot went viral. What a weird. What are weird world like if I think that it was corona related or if it was like all because his his ex and I keep saying if we have been able to continue to go out on new dates like have new shared experiences together. I think it probably was on some level inevitable. If you felt this way he probably was going to be feeling this way. But also we maybe would be in a different spot so hard to predict that you've gone on what three dates was someone you know a little but you really don't know what they're dealing with especially with like personal stuff so I guess it's like hard to even know because it could have just been that regardless of the situation. He just seeing someone new triggered old feelings. Yeah and you know what's tricky is the three date thing. I totally feel you on it. I feel like when I am on a third date with someone. That's when I start thinking about the future and whatever if and there's so much potential but it's also really fragile period. That's either like you either. Go move forward with your relationship or it's not gonna go anywhere and so you guys were right at the cost of that and that's because of the pandemic you couldn't really carry your where or at least he wasn't in that space to carry it for over virtual messaging. I think it's also hard to carry. Something virtually when there's not that history definitely been hearing from people that like the first kind of couple weeks of quarantine everyone was all about the virtual we get like died down a bit because there was this reality. Like I'm don't know when I'm GonNa see you effort right yeah To keep things going virtually where I think if you had that history before it's a lot easier to keep it going. Rain rate. Litigate was the long distance relationship like we didn't have a relationship. There is no foundation there. Yeah it was it. We're treading water so okay so when we heard this I think the initial reaction was like oh another shit term for dating dumping here the story. I actually feel like it was nice of him to do this. I mean so many times people just either ghost or they send attacks like getting like the balls to go face to face is actually like really noble and I think he did it well. I gas like what other alternatives. Are there during this time. You Know Julie. You wrote this in your article too. You said normally you would have some sort of like fuck him party with your friends and talk. Chit but this time you said. I can't do that because this time. It was actually really compassionate and nice him to do it this way. I really like nothing but nice things to say about him. I think he did something. That is very a heart look. I've chickened out trying to break up with somebody before and I think it's I think it's hard to look somebody in the eye and tell them exactly how you're feeling like in the best of circumstances and so. I think he definitely did the right thing. I think. I wrote a follow up as a for metro. Uk where I said you WANNA break up with somebody like do not let a pandemic stop you How much worse to be in a relationship with somebody and to feel like you are emotionally supporting them and giving all of this energy to somebody and get in return People keep asking me like have been dubbed during the after an acute just ripped up handed off. Yeah that is so true. I mean even though you weren't seeing him if you are talking every day like having these like zoom dates or skype dates whatever. It may be all the time in like really carving out this energy for him then I think it would have just made it so much worse. When he ended it afterwards rate I think I would have been released all. I think I would've just been like you talk to me for two months or however long this is GonNa last and you knew you didn't want to date me. I think he did the right thing. But back to your original comment of hoping that he would have just dumped you over text in hindsight. Would you have preferred that? No I think I would have probably been angry. He's a decent enough guy that I think. If he could have done it in person he won't have And this was as close as he could have gotten. I mean what's the alternative is dot com to your doorstep in states. Like that's or he could have before your parents to here. I feel like something still better than that. He's got a boom by your window with for you.

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A message. Julia proposing craft something though has such a negative connotation. Even though what we're saying is actually better like there's something about the word that just sounds bad it's the dumping Parramatta. Nobody wants to be dumped. I mean how else would you call this like separate separate ways? I don't know that burn peration but while the worst is dumping like humping over soon yeah usually that is day that could be like a new sex virtual sense too. Wow dumping over zoom. That would be quite the visual. What are you huffing Julia? Your parents come in and they're like Oh my God doing thumping. Don't worry about the thing about this this whole experience which is just like the twenty of at all so we hang up. The call and the Internet in. My house was so bad. He said the like big bulk of what he wanted to say. But then we are sort of like okay like that kind of stuff was happening as the Internet was was dying and we are breaking up and literally breaking up when he texts me giant paragraph. The minute after the call in sort of summarizing all of it was very nice. Men like literally. I call my sister. I've facetime my sister and like start sobbing facetime into my sister. And then I fire off this tweet and it kind of starts to go viral immediately on. My parents are both very online and they both follow me on twitter so my mom like knocks on the door. And it's like hey like that you got Tom. They love twitter. When you live in the same roof. Sages surreal things go. That's how things go viral. You're just describing. Now that's how I pictured it and that's how they do it in the movies when things go viral but no that that's really how things go viral. It was so it happened very fast took off immediately. I did it not really processing. All of it is interesting. It's now been a little bit over a week. I was just very busy the week after it happened. I wrote this essay and then I was spending like interviews and stuff and then like this week. It's sort of slowed down and they've been able to morse sort of dislike process. How I feel about everything on which has been good. Talk to my therapist about it. Great it was so the whole thing was just very surreal. Like my dad was my dad. Is Like my publicist sending me like my stoppings of like. They're talking about something and like Indonesian website and it was love. God like alert. Google alerts does quote Unquote Josh. Know about this. Yes he does and he is not real pleased about. Is He really out to you? Yeah so basically. I texted him a couple days. Maybe like the day my essays came out and I may be underplayed how viral it was both because I I was debating are even like needed to text him or not like. That's the way it like kept saying like no. You don't need to use the one you end today don't Xm but seems to be getting enough attention. That I should. Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah just Kinda underplayed it and I think I took off like it's GonNa to live on and I wasn't sure if you've seen it or not because he's not on twitter the knee ha he basically. He sent me like a giant paragraph thing but he was like Bummed out and uncomfortable but like details of his personal life were on the Internet and felt really horrible. But I mean it's not like you're revealing that much like you're just saying that. He got that he's up shoe. Yeah I mean it's been an interesting. I feel like this has made me WanNa right like emily post like a modern day. Emily Post about like. What are the advocate of? Because it's like I've read it and reread. Listen to the stuff that I've said and I think I was by and large like very respectful. And I've been pretty careful to tell my own story and not as much as possible. Put words in his mouth or talk about his life and it is my story and I do feel like I have the right to tell it. I don't know what are the. What are the six. It's very strange situation to be an yeah him. There's no getting around that rate. Well it is. I was saying to one of my friends that It makes me have a lot of sympathy understanding for the song. You're so vain it is about him but it's really not about. I really feel horrible.

00:35:03 - 00:40:06

But I've heard him especially because he was so upfront and honest with me and kind and if I saw him if I ran into him and if he'd wanted he doesn't want to hear any more fair I like wanted to send him a very long paragraph and I think if I could go back and do it I probably would have been. Maybe a little bit more thoughtful and it probably would have told him earlier but by and large. I stand by everything I mean. It's definitely a mixed bag. It's not like everyone knows who he is right like. No He's pretty anonymous. Still like maybe like your. Yeah I mean after like three dates like probably your close friends didn't even meet him. Maybe they've seen like name and photo. That's probably about it. Yeah I I mean none of my. We did not need each other's friends. I think he was concerned. If you already knew him you would know that it was him which is a very fairer valid criticism and I probably should have changed a detail here or there but I also think but maybe that's just because he I don't now I think he's he's definitely going through something so we don't know where his journey is. But your original tweet does seem like it's negative right. Nobody WANTS TO BE DUMPED. So by using the word dumped. Your Essay is painting in a really positive light and even in your comments. The thousand comments you got on twitter. You defend him quite a bit so I think you you're doing all you can. You've done your part so right so we asked debate on our facebook group and I think we've kind of said it here by love people's thoughts of is it better to be dumped when you Lindsay only gone out three times and you've had some type of relationship you describe not like a full on relationship but enough there that you're excited about the person. Would you rather be dumped or ghosted? Fairmount hate getting knitting them especially because we were talking every day. I think I would have felt like if he dead. You said in the thing we're like especially during times like this like you know people on doing anything right. They're not going anywhere. So the eight reply to you like you could really be thinking. Worst case scenario like about their family. And it's like I do not want I. I wouldn't wish that on anyone but I would not wanNA have that mental bandwith in like thinking about that for someone. That was literally ghosting right. I remember like I said this to somebody like as I started to feel him pulling away that I was like. I miss being able to come up with excuses for what a boy was out doing instead of texting back. Exactly because in the real world were out of lockdown. He's probably out with his friends. He's on either. Yeah Super Busy Yeah. He's finishing his MBA whatever. Now you're just like no. He's literally jerking off in the bathroom. Plenty of time right back to me but no he rather watch netflix though. Because I feel like just playing devil's advocate. I agree that no one's doing anything but I do think this is a very difficult time for people especially people have lost their jobs or like have someone in their family that is ill or something like there are some other factors going on. That might make someone not super receptive right now. So yes. They're not physically anywhere but I don't think it's like necessarily everyone's twiddling their thumbs. Ready to go either. No that's true absolutely. We also have to have empathy and compassion for people on what they're going through but everybody deserves a text bat. How your phone call baths elite? That's just basic basic human behavior that we should abide by so. I still think there's no excuse for ghosting. Now I mean I think it depends like sometimes people think goes to the. They're actually dusted. I mean if time is really gone by vignette. You've been ghosted. But like a lot of times people will read into small text messages and thinks something that not have so by no means. If you've been zone for a week in there not replying that you should be giving them the benefit of doubt definitely not saying that but I just I guess my point is that there is stuff going on for people for sure. I feel like when this first started everybody. He was there so much time. Everybody is so much time and now it's like I'm actually very busy same and also it could be a lot worse again. I'm reading through all the comments that you're getting on twitter. And I'm just skimming I know he blowers my gosh. This one. This person said my ex asks for a divorce through facebook message. I know that Gab that was would facebook was still new said. Yeah that means. It wasn't during the quarter gene. No no there was no excuse for this and then this one this has nothing to do with dating. But this person was laid off over powerpoint. The company gave a powerpoint presentation during a staff meeting basically outlining the org chart and whoever was not on the org chart was asked to leave.

00:40:07 - 00:45:03

This story is people told me we're like and not even just the replies on on the tweet in my DM's I kept saying like reaching out and wanting to be like. I hope you're okay and I'm like I'm basically find like I'm a little sad in it. Sucks like I'm fine and then maybe like I'm going to do the same thing. And then they told me it's like horrible. I know I'm certainly not alone like the big takeaway I think from this experience I had so many people damning me and reaching out And telling me their stories I think one of the weirdest and hardest things about quarantine is that it is Barry. Feel like your feelings about like a dumb boy are valid or girl or or whoever Yeah because there's big stuff going on right right because there's things are so scary for so people people are losing their jobs. Losing loved ones and I feel like the reason that my tweet offers just because it's like well. This stuff's happening to still matters. It's still you're still allowed to feel. Oliva feelings what you want. That's still your truth. That is a great point. Because it's like that stuff would have bothered you before this. Daca just magically disappear because there's worse stuff now I'm in a Lotta ways like at least for me. It's like there's a framework for being upset about a break-up whereas there isn't a framework I don't have like a I don't know what it's like to go through a picnic I've never gone through a pandemic before right. And so in a Lotta ways. It's sort of like easier to obsess or be heartbroken because it's like. I know what that feels like. I have a have a roadmap for getting over that whereas like I don't know what the roadmap is like for the Big Life. We don't know what's happening with the world so I think just letting people out notes okay to care about this stuff too is important more we go into more takeaways. Have to dislike burning thoughts that I would love both of I guess the first one is. Do you think like if you were in like serious relationship. Like let's say you've been dating for six months to a year like it's not like you're living together but you're in like establish relationship right but for whatever reason the quarantine you were not together. Do you think something would be worse in that case or do you think it would be the same as your like three date plus a little more time. I know stand by my like if you WANNA break up with somebody just do it like I said. I've been in relationships that have lasted well past when they should have and I think even though it sucks they're always gonNA suck breakup are always gonNA suck forever. Rueben involved no matter what yeah I mean. That's why I think you're not warranting with the person you owe it to them to let them grieve. Sooner rather than later against yeah that band-aid this is the same conundrum. People in long distance relationships have I had a friend who was dating someone in Colorado and she lived in L. A. And she thought why really? I think we should break up but should I tell him in person like should I try to tell them in person and then just turn back and come back or do I do it over the phone so I think something is basically like breaking up with someone over the phone as well. I think it's like you said Julia. If the feelings are no longer there or the relationships no longer working. You shouldn't have you shouldn't like technology. Stop Yeah I think those doing it over video is probably still better than the phone like you can actually see someone face to face so I think that even a better bet. I'm just wondering like I'm just thinking I guess it depends on the situation but if you were in person in the same city would it be better to like meet at a park six feet away and deliver the news or would be better to do it. I'm to say I'M GONNA I'm GonNa go something I I god. I'm remembering at one time. I was dating this guy. I knew I didn't want to be dating him anymore. But it it was because we've been dating for like a couple of months and like seriously date not like series was my boyfriend. I knew that I was ready for a relationship more serious relationship but not with him and we went out to dinner and I was like. I'm going to be going to do it. I'm going to be up front. I'M GONNA break. It was the first time ever broken up with someone else which now I've several times but my young life and I was like I'm GonNa be honest upfront We're going to go to dinner and I'm going to say I just don't see a future with you the whole time. I kept like okay. We'll at what point do I do this do it when they're getting check. Do I do it when we're ordering drinks like meal. Wait time like he's making small talk about like how is your day like. What did you do at work? I'm like Oh you know so I did it like as you're getting the check and and what I meant to say was I do WANNA relationship but I don't think I see one with you and then what came out of my mouth was.

00:45:03 - 00:50:02

I'm not ready for a relationship Which was like literally the opposite of what I meant and like he got the memo open. That was sort of a like a bad amputation. You know or like who doesn't come all the way off and neither of us like left that dinner like exactly knowing it was over not light it was just like Louis so I think there is the reason I bring. That story up is because I think that there is when you do over zoom and especially if you send that like hey you free to talk later tex dreaded yeah yeah and like allows somebody that like ability to to prepare to compose have dignity but you also got the lake and it's short. It's like you know were here. It's ten fifteen minutes whatever. So here's my problem. Then th this is my problem with dumping. I finally figured it out. It's not the zoom part. It's been bidding part. I think we need to stop dumping someone to seems really juvenile because it means this person made up a decision without you involved and they're coming to you and say this is what's going to happen dumping shouldn't happen as often with relationships or people in long term relationships. These are conversations. Maybe you're hashing out some issues over zoom and if those issues don't don't get resolved and you decide to part ways put the dump someone over Zoom. It's it's just really harsh. I think that's what it is. That's a part I can't I can't deal with. I love that that is what is that makes it like a shitty dating term and I think it amplifies if it is a more established relationship and I like the terminology of ending the relationship versus. I'm dumping you like that makes it feel like you did something wrong that you're getting roses like this relationship. Not Working mutually were just going to end it. Yeah clear I know who put the dumping. I think that's why that's why that's probably why people are putting this negative comment action on sea dumping it's over. Am Part. But I think yours situation is a little more in. Alec Stereotypical Dumping Brown. Because just the lack of history that you guys had and I think the question earlier like is Zapping Worse if you've been a more established relationship maybe the answer is yes because it shouldn't just be out of the blue. Yeah I think that's right. Okay the my last burning question is do. We think that dumping will continue as a trend coast quarantine hard one I think. Yeah I think we'll just because like video. Conferencing is gonNA become more normal in general like I feel like we're all going to keep face timing people instead of calling them. If we WANNA talk you know so yeah but probably more if you're already doing a long distance relationship with someone. I can't imagine if you had the option to see somebody in person to either. It's short term enough that you can do never tax or the next rung up is in person but I guess. Playing Devil's advocate to that is you just said like. I would rather through video than text. I forget might actually persist. I think if you're in a long like in establish relationship among like we said I don't think that should be where goes especially ten meet up in person but I think he needs like weird interim once when it's not a real relationship but it feels weird to like break up? I think I am doing it over. Zoom actually is a better option than sending that taxed. Yeah I yeah. I buy that all right. You've convinced. Faith I don't know I'm not convinced about the zoom part because zoom seems formal. You have to have the link scheduled eating like that's just so for me to talk to someone about what they're going to have for dinner. Maybe facetime dumping will be more prevalent thumping funding a friend of ours. You haven't even told you about this yet but a friend of ours hit me up today that he's working on video site that's basically trying to make it a lot more casual than zoom because zoom doesn't feel so form all that you could literally just send a link and you don't have to like casual meetings and do all this stuff so I think during this quarantine more and more video platforms are starting to pick up like house parties becoming really big. Otherwise maybe it's not zoom. There's the facetime call or whatever other platforms emerge in this time. Yeah something more spontaneous. Yeah I can see that happening I because people are getting used to this new normal agree with you though like a meeting to dump these weird to the wrong meeting or like your connection issues like there's so many things go wrong and you have some whacko virtual background today like can't take the other person seriously awesome party.

00:50:02 - 00:55:03

You could actually crash people's House parties. Can you imagine if someone is breaking? Wow that would be crazy. They're like should I leave? I mean it's kind of like when you're at a restaurant you having a serious conversation. The waiter comes over so like can I get you anything else. You'd go away okay. So what do we learned from all this? I think we should create a video conferencing APP just for Dumping Bites your taxi. That link. You're like damn I guess I should prepare myself. Here's my main takeaway in this really comes from Julia. Your article the very last thing you say which I thought was so brilliant. You said In a world where nothing is certain heartbreak finds a way. And I think that's beautiful and what I learned from that and when I'm gauging from this conversation is while we're in this pandemic it doesn't mean that life stops and that means the good and the bad and we should pause our feelings and our progression. Because we're on lockdown. Having kind of this heartbreak come in is a little bit refreshing to remind you that life is still normal and that you are still having these pre pandemic feelings. That's lovely to know and that's Okay. Also that is such a good takeaway and I think like Julia. You said it really well too. Just because of the pandemic doesn't mean you should be prolonging relationships. That aren't working. I think it's important to think like M. I. Ending this because of the pandemic or my because of whatever else is going on in my life and I definitely think in your situation like he probably was ending it because of his own stuff. That was probably nothing to do with the pandemic. So I think like if that really is the case like don't drag Subli- here like years so many people that are like why would just WANNA pandemic body in like someone to text with a call. You gotta think about them to like if you're keeping someone on the hook the house of your own loneliness like that is really also not fair Yeah totally finitely. Yeah I think I mean like I said my thing that I've taken away which is just like it's okay to feel things that aren't about death and destruction like every day life still happens. We're still going to be like upset about jobs. And we didn't get or you know people that don't respond to tech straightaway or boys or girls or whoever they don't love back and that's all like not that. I was in love with him. But like you know it sucks. I mean I think the other takeaway have is like dumping has like a bad rap because of the dumping part but there's something very decent about what he did and I think regardless of your situation like I think a lot of people might actually blame it and like just on that tax bill like well. I couldn't see this person right so I can just send attack ray. I actually like applaud him for being creative. Only hood kind of ease that break in like naked a clean break so I think like instead of being like Oh that should he that he's exempt you or whatever like let's think about like the alternatives and there really aren't many better ones right now. Yeah I really feel like what he did was like the best possible scenario. I know like self officially. I think I read this in my piece I it would have been really nice to be able to be like this guy. Sucks like He. Can you believe it? Yeah you could take some kind of anger do feel like I was robbed of Anger. Fun Period where you get to be like. Oh better I truly did. He actually thinks that makes it harder to get over someone when they are really nice about it Like if they're an asshole you're dislike fuck that person you know. I know 'cause you can get over them a little bit more exactly. This also shows. This is what we've been hearing from a lot of our listeners. To is everyone seems to be revisiting. The old and canning lockdowns. Everyone had these really ambitious and lofty goals of learning new things. New People like any Spanish. And I'M GONNA meet like five different people every night but now that we're in it for a few weeks now everyone's Kinda like rehashing what they've experienced in the past so in you're experiencing this right now you are not alone. Everyone kind of resurfacing. Some old lovers or old issues in that. Just let that come up. This is the time to figure that out. Once we're Outta lockdowns you can move forward. Yeah we've also talked about just the benefits of self reflection during this time like this is giving people a lot of time to think to his defense like maybe it's actually better that he had that reflection than stringing you along for another three months then real. Yeah I mean that's where I've landed on it. Yeah I think the last takeaway I have is like ending this language of dumped.

00:55:03 - 00:59:15

I think you said that dead on you. A it's like the relationship ended. It has nothing to do with like one person having the power over the other one person doing wrong. It didn't work out because you weren't in the right place at that time with each other Or it wasn't the right reason. Yeah I like that. I'm sorry I perpetuated the but but you know you are the prime example of why we need more dating terms. Yeah because you have limited terms to use your like wellness describes what I went through. Maybe we can invent some new terms. I since we have you on the line I might as well just share with you. Some of the dating terms that we've made up over the years. Here's one you can. You can use Julia. You feel free to do it okay. Great a fluffer. I know what I Brian dating technical definition. What's what's your definition so we define it as the unfortunate person who prepares people for actual relationships but does end up in a relationship with him or herself. Oh boy I've been that person. What about Uber Radius? We made this one out to really proud of this one. Is that like if you're dating somebody who's in your like radius of what's cheaper yeah. I'm living in New York and like I we would. I had a friend who lived in Brooklyn and choosing. Somebody lived in Harlem as long as IT'S GONNA work out. That's actually a good use case for continuing. That's very true very true. One more for you a tater. Tot ooh what what. I have no idea who's not good for you grape. Yes all the breakfast potatoes adorable get sold out outside. Tater tots her every time. There you go up there you go you just credit. Us cruel well. Let's wrap up this conversation. Let's hope that nobody gets dumped in the near future in you know let's just hope we all continue to express compassion and empathy for each other? We're in this together. We're not in it alone when your feelings come up let yourself feel those feelings because those are real. Those are your honest feelings and that is a okay or if you do get to. Maybe it doesn't have to be a negative thing as we found out like if this term does like you said hopefully no one does but I think some of our conversation has been if things have run their course maybe it's actually better so it's again just the mindset that you have towards it. Yep exactly and if you WanNa read Julius articles you can just search for Julia thumped. Badge. That's me. Yeah we're just look up the Guardian article. There's lots of links to yours as well bud and we'll also put it in our show notes. It's a beautiful article you wrote. And I. I can't wait for the follow-up thank you so much thanks Julia. So we'll wrap this up. Stay dating the dateable. Podcast is part of the FROLIC PODCAST NETWORK. Five more podcast. You'll love at frolic dot media slash podcast. Want to continue the conversation. I follow us on Instagram. Facebook and twitter with the handle at dateable. Podcast TAG US in any post with a Hashtag stay dateable and trust us. We look at all those pose then head over to our website dateable PODCASTS DOT com. You'll find all the episodes as well. As articles videos and our coaching service with vetted industry experts you can also find our premium y series where we dissect analyze an offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums. Roseau downloadable for free on spotify apple podcast Google play overcast stitcher radio and other podcast platforms. Your feedback is valuable to us. So don't forget to leave us a review and most remember to stay dateable.