#brunchtalk: Why do I keep getting rejected?

00:00:00 - 00:05:08

This episode is brought to you by drizzly. If you look for it, every day has cause for celebration, celebrate a friend for their promotion, baby, wedding life thing, celebrate yourself for keeping the couch warm. It's no easy feat, especially if it's a big couch. Or maybe you just want to celebrate living in 2022, where you can get beer, wine, and spirits deliver from drizzly in under 60 minutes without leaving, said, couch. No wonder drizzly is the number one app for alcohol delivery. And remember to share the love, you can get alcohol delivered to your friends and your coworkers and a nice surprise. Right now, drizzly is giving all new customers $5 off their first order, with the code fast 5. So download the drizzly app or go to drizzly dot com that spelled DRI Z, LY dot com and use the promo code fast 5 that spelled FAST number 5 for $5 off your first order. You're welcome. The dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that The Huffington Post calls one of the top ten podcasts about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about everything from sex parties to sex droughts, date fails to diaper fetishes and first moves to first gloves. I'm your host, UA Shu, former dating coach turned dating sociologist. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Kraft chick as we explore this crazy dateable world. Hi, dateable and brunchables of welcome to brunch talk by the date of podcast, happy Sunday, happy brunch, happy at all and all the fun stuff that's happening today, we want to bring you another question of brunch talk where this is the time for us to answer all the questions you've all emailed in or DMed in, and these are the questions that you're probably discussing over brunch right now. Such common questions that definitely Julie and I have gone over many, many times before. Yes, and keep them coming. We're getting a lot of really great questions through Instagram DMs, but also hello at dateable podcast. That's the best place to send them. TBD will probably put something on the website that you can also submit them. That would be a good place too. I think the brunch talk has been really fun for us. So it started off as an experiment, but we're keeping it going because people have said they're looking forward to the brunch every Sunday to get their weekend rolling on that Sunday fun day. So we're going to keep it going. I think people can submit on the website, right? Just a contact form. They can, yes, it would just go to our normal submissions, which I guess is a good call out, 'cause we're starting up season 15, which is nuts. Every time I hear the double digit numbers, it always makes it feel crazy to wait. But we're starting to recruit for that too, so while you're at it, you know, either if you've got a story or you have a topic, you can just drop it in there. Yeah, people really love the not settling versus picky being too picky. Oh, that was a big one. That was a great question. Yes, we love these. Like, how do you distinguish I think this one that we have today also is very applicable to everyone. I think those are the ones that seem to resonate because we've all been there at some time or another. So let's get to that question. This question is, how do I get over being rejected? I feel like I'm having a hard time keeping a positive mindset in dating when I keep getting rejected. Yeah, and to give more contacts, the listener that wrote in said, in the last week, I've gotten rejected two times. One was from someone that I had gone on a couple dates with and it seemed like it was going really well. And then they reached out to tell me they decided to get back together with their ex. The other one was a person that had met in a bar and it seemed like they had everything I was looking for. We had a really great connection. We had a date set up for that coming Friday, and then when the date came, I never heard from them. When I reached out, they ghosted me at first, I kept reaching out and they finally said they decided they're not interested. What gives? You've all heard the phrase rejection is redirection. And it's easier said than done, but it's true. I don't love that we have this word rejection anyway, because most of the nose in life are redirecting you to the yes that's fitted and suitable for you. And in dating, not everyone's gonna be your match. And what 99% of people are not going to be your match. So rejection or the redirection is something expected. If you're getting the nose, that's a good thing. It means you're getting yourself out there. That's a great thing. And now you know what you like, what you don't like and it helps you narrow down to the person who is right for you. So ultimately, rejection sucks because our egos at stake, but redirection is the ultimate way to look at rejection and it just redirecting you to the right person.

00:05:08 - 00:10:06

Yeah. I think the reality too is we don't know where anyone is in their dating journey. So the examples of this person submitted too, right? Is this person decided to get back with their acts? That could have zero to do with you. Whatsoever. It's not because they went on a date with you and then decided their ex was better fit. Or maybe they did. And that's okay, too, because essentially that isn't your person, if they really believe someone else is a better fit for them. But there is a good chance that they just had all this stuff and also if it's an X, they've had years and years, even months of built up rapport, where you're just not going to get that on three dates. So I think we need to stop taking it as personally and then also feeling like this is a prospect as soon because we just do not know where these people are at, especially also in the example of someone that you met at a bar. I think a lot can change in the moment from when you're out. Maybe you're drinking, maybe you're like looser. And then they get home and they realize that you don't know. There is so many things that could be going on. I think that's what makes it really dangerous when we get ahead of ourselves and the reality is all we know is that they're so good on paper. We don't know if they're going to have good follow through. We don't know if they're compassionate. We don't know if they're honest. We don't know anything about this person that we met for what? I know at a bar, it's probably like our max, if even, you're probably kind of coming in and out of this person, like a few minutes here a few minutes there, all you got was physical connection is really, is the truth of it. So I think first and foremost, we need to stop taking it personally because little of the time. Does it actually have to do with something we're doing? It's either that we're just not compatible, which isn't a reflection of ourselves, or they have something else going on in their lives that we have no idea about. And it ultimately doesn't matter, right? Even if it's maybe they just like, okay, I decided that I'm not really into you. I'm not going to pursue you. That is okay. Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to pursue you? So there's no need to even force it. I get it. Rejection sucks because one it hurts our ego and to a crushes this future dream that we've built after we someone. Oh my gosh. And then we can't do this and that together in my fantasy here. And that's the problem with modern dating is that we create a world that does not exist when we meet someone and then also our egos always in the way so that creates fear, that creates this that's just hurt and the disappointment, but the faster we can shake it off and move on the faster we can meet the people who are right for us. So think about it as rejections almost like practice, like you're practicing for the sport of modern dating. Those balls are getting to you. Yeah, I think you're redirecting the balls and you're like, just trying to get to the basket here. So it's a great practice for you and know that you're not alone in any of this. It's really hard because I know like especially when you want a relationship so bad. You want to believe that everyone is going to be the next potential in the prospect. But I think we do like I'm thinking back when we met more organically through work or through Friends of Friends. A lot of times we weren't viewing every single person as like a potential the one. It was more just it evolved over time. And we saw how it worked. But today's world, especially with dating apps, you go into a date and you're like, is this person going to be my person? Or are they not going to be? And it's so cut and dry after very little time of actually knowing them and seeing how things play out. I feel like almost, you know, I don't want to be discouraging, but it's almost like we can't get ahead of ourselves with these prospects. And even view them as rejection when they're so low stakes in the game. We just don't have enough data at this point to even have this person holds a seat and a piece of our heart essentially. Yeah, renting. Renting for free in your mind space and I can look back and I think everyone should do this exercise just for funsies, but look back to all the times that you were rejected that really hurt you or disappointed you. And then how that redirected you. I can pinpoint the one rejection that really hurt I've talked about him before, this New York guy that I was pining after for years and ultimately he was like, I don't want to be with you. And that's what gave me the kick in the butt to go to go to like move. So I went to Beijing for two weeks and ended up staying for two years. It was absolutely life-changing. My life today would not be the same. And I have him to thank because if he didn't do that, I would have stayed in New York, kept pining after him, had this life that I was not happy with, and he gave me that kick in the butt to change my life and to get in the driver's seat, so thank you for that rejection, and we can all look back to those winning moments of rejection.

00:10:07 - 00:15:02

I love that. And on a recent episode, we did with Katie steri. She talked about this too. This is like, I don't even know if I'd say this is rejection, but just even like the fallout of a big relationship, when she got divorced, I mean, you can look at it rejection if you really choose to look at it that way. I think again, a lot of it's how do you reframe what rejection means. But she said she would not have been able to start a company if it wasn't because of this redirection. So I think that's huge, but also it could redirect you to the right person. I know before I met my current partner, I felt like I got rejected more than I ever had in my entire life. And I think it's because I was putting myself out there more. And I was giving people a chance. And being more open with people and not being the first to say, I don't think this is a fit. Because in a way, it's a shield when you're the one that's always rejecting. Yes. Because you can't get hurt that way. And I was definitely under that mindset thanks to conversations we'd have on this podcast. I remember one that stands out was when we talked to Logan Yuri, who's the director of relationship science at hinge and wrote a book how not to die alone about making the second date the default that first dates are inherently awkward and a lot of times you don't see the real person on that first date. So I really tried to stick with that and even if it wasn't fireworks on the first date, I decided that I was going to do a second date regardless pending I didn't hate being with this person. But other people did not have that same mentality and they were probably quicker to pass on people because, you know, tons of options out there or whatever. Or maybe I just wasn't their cup of tea and that's fine when you think about it. But ultimately it led me to my current partner who both could recognize this is the right fit. And what a shame it would have been like if I let that rejection quote unquote. Get me off the apps. The apps because another person rejected me. I would have missed out on the greatest relationship I've ever had. I mean, right? It's like hindsight is 2020, but you don't need to get to the hindsight part. You can just look at it from today. All good things happen on the other side of fear and when we are uncomfortable getting out of our comfort zone and we're getting the nose, it just means the change is happening. It's a really good thing. Rejection therapy is something people use. And we've talked about it on previous episodes, rejection therapy is when you go out and seek the nose. Go and ask for things expecting the nose and you'd be surprised how it equips you with the armor to deal with rejection in the future and it might one of my favorite people that I follow is young, he wrote a book about rejection therapy and he went on this journey of just seeking the nose and now he's created a whole business around it because he's he feels almost invincible because it's like when you're not afraid of rejection, that's when you get the things that you truly want and love that. And it's not just rejection therapy for dating in this exercise, right? It's like ASCII for ridiculous things like a free drink or something that you just know you're not going to get and maybe you'll pleasantly be surprised and you will get it. But you're kind of expecting that it won't happen because why would someone just do this randomly? So I love this idea of taking rejection out of just eating and putting it in everyday life. And I think women especially hetero women have trouble with rejection because we've been told we don't, we're not the ones that pursue. We're not the ones that go out and make the move. So I think when it already feels a little unnatural and of course that's not today's world, like women are making the first moves, but we have years and years to catch up, essentially, to building the shield of armor that we kind of just don't give a fuck, right? Like we take it personally still because we're not prepared enough. This might be new to a lot of us of putting ourselves out there asking someone on a dating app if they want to meet up as the first move or calling that person that you went on a date when you haven't heard back. All this is new and I think the only way to get that armor and just keep going and that perseverance is to do it, right? The first couple times it's going to sting your ego. But if you never do it, you're never going to build that up. Building up that rejection armor. That's huge. And I think that's something we can do all the time. Even if you are, you feel like almost immune at this point, we can still keep working that muscle because it does help us become more brave and in dating what we've seen is people are less brave. They're so afraid of putting themselves out there and when we have more courage in dating, then we have the courage to get what we want, ask for what we want and create the life that we want. And that's so empowering to see that.

00:15:03 - 00:20:03

It's all in our control. I think we also need to stop looking at it like will this person like me and do they want to date me versus like, how do I feel with this person? You want someone that's a hell yeah for you. And a lot of times when we face rejection, right? It's because we don't know where we stand with this person, or things don't feel a 100%, but we're gonna try anyways. And I think this is a little contradictory, but I do think it's important to put yourselves out there and try, I think, personally, I'd rather hear the know than be unsure, but at the same time know that if you've already felt like this isn't secure, then if that person gives you the dough, they're actually helping you to find someone that can feel a lot more sure about you. So again, it's not a bad thing when this is happening. It's kind of like I equate it to like finding a job, right? There's some people that get in this trap of like, will this employer want me? Will they want me or the other person that goes in interviewing the employer just as much as their interviewing them? And I think we need to keep that mentality of like, this is our lives that we're talking about. We're not trying to just win, to get an ego boost. We're trying to find a compatible partner where we feel safe and secure, and we can build a life with them. If that truly is what you're looking for. And if you're not looking at it that way, I think that might be a reassessment too, is, am I actually in the place of being ready for a serious relationship? Or is there more work that I need to do? And I think if you could start to look at it that way, then rejection does become as much of a thing. It's just clearing the path. As sick as this may sound, there's something really beautiful about rejections where that it does make you feel you really covet the person who is right for you. Imagine if you just didn't get rejections and everybody was a yes, then how do you really treasure the person you're with and you're like, oh, I can get everybody, right? It's because of the nose that makes the yes so much more special. And I think that's why we fall in love because we think it's not like every day walking down the street, I can fall in love with anyone. It's that this is someone special. This is a special relationship. So again, a sick as that sounds. It's like we need the rejections for us to really treasure and appreciate the yes people in our lives. I love that. I think another piece of it too in this example that was sent into us is it stings extra hard when it happens back to back for sure. And some of that is going to be unavoidable. That's just some of the part of dating. But I think a big piece of it too is how are you balancing dating with other parts of your life? And how are you vetting these people too? We talked about expectations and after an hour or one or two dates even, you don't truly know them, so it's some of it is that we just don't know where we stand fully. But another piece too is how are they showing that? Are you the one that's always initiated everything? Are they texting, but they're never asking you out. That might be a surefire sign that this isn't going to go anywhere. So I think sometimes we just want to see that every prospect is going to go somewhere. We're just kind of throwing shit against the wall essentially. And I think sometimes taking that step back and getting more intentional and being like, okay, I'm only going to go out and use my time for dating on people that have shown up in our pursuing actually asking me on a date or receptive one I ask them on a date. That's so big. And then you could fill the time. Let's say you had someone in your queue that isn't doing that instead of being like, oh my God, I got rejected by this person. It's like, I'm just not going to put that person as a prospect. And I'm going to fill my time going out with friends or being with family members or other people that give me love and joy. Because I think sometimes I know it's like we don't want to miss opportunities while dating, but sometimes being so focused only on dating, it makes it sting that much harder. Yes. 'cause that's what your only focused on. And so how do you not focus on the nose that much if that's all you're thinking about, diversifying your interests and your time is so important. Your time is so precious. Yes. The time we waste on people who are not right for us, moping around because someone said no or didn't want to go out with us. It's just time wasted that time could be refunded to the people who truly love you in your lives, the things that really matter, cultivating interest and hobbies. It's just like the way we spend our time and our time is so limited on earth. Think about that. Why do we want to waste it on things that just really don't matter to us in ten years from now? Or even in a week from now, you're probably going to forget about this. So I just think about this all the time. It's like, oh, if my time, if I'm spending my time like currency, where do I want to spend most of my currency here? Yeah, that's such a good point. If the goal of a relationship is to find love and to feel connected to other human beings and to feel seen and heard.

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I would so much rather funnel that into that existing network you have or building other ways to do it. In addition, then to give people that simply don't deserve your time, that mental energy. I think for be a big turning point was when I went through that heartbreaking breakup, like my first breakup that really shook me to the core. And I remember after that, I was like, all these people that I went on one, two dates with. I can't believe I even gave them any energy. Ever want to give any of the tears or anything. I want to save it for the real heartbreak. And not that I really want that either, but at least that person. Was someone that had shown up for me and vice versa. It was a relationship. I think these people that you have like these fleeting interactions with. I quite frankly, just like I wish that I could take back all that time that I even spent dwelling on them. Oh, no kidding. I wish it was like a tape back time machine or something. Where daters go in and they're like, taking him back to that guy, and that girl, that date, and that tier, and then we can use all that time for future indulgences, but we can't do that. So when you rather just in the moment know that you don't want to do that in the future, thinking about taking back time, so you can just manage your time better. Yeah. And I think sometimes it's unrealistic to not feel anything. So I do like the exercise time boxing of like, okay, for one day, I'm gonna be disappointed. I'm gonna let myself feel what I need to feel. But then after that, I'm gonna have this reality check of like, I didn't know this person very well, or you know, this just isn't the right fit for me. The better things are coming, I think the optimism is so important and it can be really, really hard, especially if you've had these string of rejections, but like we were saying earlier, it would be such a shame if you let these cut you off for something for E amazing. Yeah. Okay, so to sum it up, rejection is redirection. That's a big one. I think the other piece is don't take things so personally. We just don't know where people are on their journey. And how do you build up that armor rejection therapy, dating so much of dating success is just keep going. Keep going. Again, we don't know why other people are on data gaps. Everyone has different reasons. Every different life stage is just getting frustrated and deleting apps or saying I'm taking a dating sabbatical or a break from dating. All that's doing is cutting you off from someone great. Of course, if you need a rest by all means, but if it's coming from a place of, I'm frustrated, then how do you redirect that frustration into positivity any way you can? The nose are there to lead you to the yes. Just know that. That's a good one. All right, that wraps up this episode of brunch talk. Rejection therapy is a great thing to look into and send us the questions. We are going to do these every week, so more questions the better. Thanks again for this question and we will see you all next week for a brunch talk. See you next week. The dateable podcast is part of the frolic podcast network. Find more podcasts you'll love at frolic media slash podcasts. Want to continue the conversation? First, follow us on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter with the handle at dateable podcast. Tag us in any post with a hashtag stay dateable and trust us. We look at all those posts. Then head over to our website dateable podcast dot com. There you'll find all the episodes as well as articles, videos, and our coaching service with vetted industry experts. You can also find our premium Y series where we dissect, analyze, and offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums. We're also downloadable for free on Spotify, Apple podcasts, Google Play, overcast, stitcher radio, and other podcast platforms. 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