When's the right time to introduce someone to your friends?

#brunchtalk: When's the right time to introduce someone to your friends?

00:00:01 - 00:05:10

The dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that The Huffington Post calls one of the top ten podcasts about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about everything from sex parties to sex droughts, date fails to diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host UA Shu, former dating coach turned dating sociologist. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Kraft chick as we explore this crazy dateable world. Happy brunch everyone, welcome to this episode of brunch talk by the dateable podcast. If you are new to this show, we dive into some of your burning dating questions and we try to answer to the best of our ability, but our other episode, which is during the week, is about a dating topic. So we have experts, we talk to different people about their dating experiences. So there are two different concepts, part of the same brand. So welcome if you're new to this. It's all under the same umbrella, but this is an opportunity for us to dissect it. Like we would if we were at brunch together. So just imagine we're all at the table, chowing down on eggs and bacon, dishing about all the good stuff in dating. I remember those days. Pulling up that text, reading it word for word. What do you think he meant by this emoji? We're going a little higher level because we're not there to do that, but you know, we're getting these messages in from you all. So keep them coming. Because this is what's top of mind for everyone that's going on. And you know, you can always go back to the back catalog too and look up some of our popular ones. I think the most popular ones we've done is what's the difference between settling and being picky, such a good question. Can you stay at Friends with an ex and then how do you know if the person is the one? So those have been the top ones that we've done, so go back and listen if you missed them. But this is gonna be a good one too. And we were just saying this a Juliana we're just having conversation before recording this is that the content performs differently based on the platform. So on TikTok, the X one, can you say to the next? That one blew up, I mean, according to our standards, but then the one, does the one exist, blew up on Instagram, has so many likes and comments based on our standards, again, just caveat that. And then on YouTube, it's just like none of them really work. It's weird. It's really interesting how the platforms differ. But oh well, we'll keep we'll keep trucking along. We do these. I think these are so much fun. I wish someone was doing these when I was dating. Oh my God. All those burning questions. Yeah, I think regardless of the platform, our number one is how could we deliver content of what our listeners want in need? Yes. So that's what we're really focused on. Number one is it is funny to see the differences, but we really want to bring the types of questions that are burning for you. That is the goal of this. And the burning question of today is when is the right time to meet the Friends? A timing question. So the submission that we got in, I've been with my girlfriend for 6 months and I've never met any of her friends. She's met a few of my friends a couple of times now. And I'm wondering if there's a reason I haven't done the same with her. And a little fearful that she might be even embarrassed or afraid to introduce me for some reason. How do I broach the topic with her? I love love, love this topic because it used to drive me fucking insane. There were people I dated, who would introduce me to their families on date number three, or they would take like a year to introduce me to their friends. Yeah. I think it just depends on how people see the act of introducing you to their friends and family. It's different for everyone. For some people, it's not a big deal. For others, it's a really big deal. And just because you've been together for 6 months, it doesn't really mean that time feeds into whether they should introduce you to their friends and family or not. But at the end of the day, this is a question for your partner. You can phrase it like this. I've really enjoyed our relationship. It would make me feel closer to you if I could meet some of your friends or family. The people you are close to, what do you think about that? Definitely. I don't think you need to be afraid to have this conversation. It doesn't need to be accusatory or anything that's pointing fingers, you don't need to do any of that. It's a simple question and stating that it would be really nice to get to know the people in your life. I think you can phrase it that way. I think like you said, people have such different opinions of what this step means, but also people have different relationships with the people of their lives. We obviously don't know because we didn't get that information. Do they even have friends that live close by? Are they super close with these people or are they more like friendly acquaintances that don't mean that much to them? All that is such a factor as well.

00:05:10 - 00:10:06

Like I'm thinking about even with my partner, some of his friends ended up just visiting within two months of us dating. So that's why I met them, but then let's say they hadn't visited for another 6 months. That would have changed the timelines just because of the fact that they weren't super close by. So a lot of times there's other factors that really don't have to do with you in the relationship. So I think just understanding their dynamics with friends and family, the best possible what that means to them, just how they even are. I think 6 months, it's a good time. It's not nothing, but it's still like, when did you actually define this relationship? How much have you been seeing this person? Let's say, the first three months, like you were only seeing each other once a week. It might not actually be that much time in the scheme of things. So I think the timing is hard too, because we always gravitate to putting time on our relationships, but that means so much different things depending on how much actual touch you're spending, not months and all that. Absolutely. Absolutely. And these milestones are so arbitrary. You know, we feel like, oh, after a certain amount of months, we need to do this, and then we need to meet that, and we need to go to this. It doesn't mean that your relationship has to follow the same timeline. And also remember, this milestone means different things for different people. I remember I had a very close friend who said, when he dated people, he would want them to meet their friends early on to get their friends opinions. So it didn't really mean that the relationship was more serious, it just meant he wanted a second opinion. I've also had friends who tell me that they want to keep the relationship sacred and they want to focus on just a relationship before they expand it out to their inner circle. So they want to give that one on one time first. So it just means such different things and it's not an indicator of how much your partner is invested in you. I'm really glad you saw that. I had one friend that came to mind that would always bring guys out early on. You probably know her talking about. There got to a point that I said to her, I was like, could you just tell me what it's serious? Because I really like investing in these people. I'm never going to see again, you know? So maybe this person swung that far in the past and doesn't want to do that now. Again, we have no idea what is going on for them, but I also don't want to minimize that it can feel hurtful. Like I definitely had a situation with a past partner that I feel like he didn't he didn't make that effort as much as I did. But part of it was that he just wasn't as close to people as I was, and they didn't live as close by. So there were those other factors there. But I think like being brought in a little more and in today's world, there are ways that you can do it. Like you could meet someone virtually. Like when they do visit, you can make an effort to make sure that person is there. Or even if you're serious, you can go visit people together. There's a lot of ways that you can make it happen. So I don't want to say it's an excuse, but I also never really put it down as a conversation. I just avoided it and made it something that I was upset about, but never brought up. So I think, you know, having that conversation is really the only way. And then you get out of your head a little of just imagining worst case scenario. And don't forget, some people have really sucky Friends. Yeah, I mean, they might be scared that they're gonna scare you off. I had a friend that was dating this guy who was much older than her. And all his friends were younger than her. So when she actually ended up meeting his friends, which was like 9 months into the relationship. She was like, they fucking suck. They're not his real friends. So not that she made him, but he got new friends that were more age appropriate, but she realized in his line of work he only met younger people, so these were a social drinking buddies, but they weren't close friends. So it didn't mean much to him for her to meet them. And I hate to stereotype and that isn't actually the stereotype we're getting from this submission. But a lot of times women do have deeper friendships than men. It is a known fact. There's actually a lot of studies about it. I'm not saying that in a bad way. I talk about this with my friends all the time and we're like, it's us that holds the glue, socially. There's the best SNL skit of all these women that are bringing their boyfriends to a boyfriend park like a dog park. They can engage with other men and start happy conversations. You know, there is something the older you get, men you know, again, I'm stereotyping, but it is backed up by data that it's just something that's not as ingrained in a lot of time they do look for their partner for that social support. So I think really understanding where they're coming from and are these just like friends that they drink with or watch sports with.

00:10:07 - 00:15:05

Maybe that isn't someone that's super essential that you meet, you know? Yes, yes. Or, you know, you start creating new friendships together. There's something very meaningful about these are the Friends that we met as a couple, and that's what something really fun to do. And also sometimes in relationships, you could inspire or the other way around, you can inspire your partner to reconnect with their friends because it makes some people realize that relationships are very important and they want to reconnect with that childhood friend or someone from their past. And that's really fun too. So again, like everyone has such different friendships and there's no way of judging. We just can't judge. We have to just keep an open mind. But in this submission, it sounds like it is important for you to meet your partner's Friends. Yes. So it is important then to vocalize that and frame it in a way of I want to meet the people who mean the most to you. So I can feel a part of your life and I can feel closer to you. If your partner is not accepting of that, there's something wrong with that relationship right. If they're not willing to open that door, then I think that's a major red flag. Right. To at least have a conversation with you why this isn't happening. But I think getting clear of what this means to you is it what you were just saying, you ate it. Be part of your life and not coexist, but be more unified? Is it that it feels like a step? Is it feel like you want them to be proud that they're with you? Like, what is it that's the root of why this is bothering you? And I think coming at it that way with the partner can be a really good way to frame it because even if it's, you know, look like I really like you and you know I could see this relationship going somewhere and it almost kind of makes me feel a little insecure sometimes that you're not on the same page because I haven't met your people. You could say something like that and that's not blaming them. It's just stating how you're feeling. There's nothing wrong with that. And again, if someone diminishes how you feel, like that is so many other issues beyond just your Friends. You don't want to beat that person's Friends. Yeah, it's not no longer about the Friends. You may also find them when you open up this conversation. Your partner could say, oh, I was scared to introduce you to my friends because I didn't want you to think we were moving too fast. Yeah. I didn't want to scare you away. I was assured if you're ready for that step. You know, we can't be mind readers, but there's just so many different scenarios that could play out. And if you don't have a conversation, you're just going to spend spin with all the different ideas you have about why your partner is not introducing you to their friends. Yeah. Let's hold that thought for a few messages. 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00:15:05 - 00:20:01

We know that dating can be frustrating and lonely, but it can also feel fulfilling and fun. Have you recently decided you want to make some changes to your love life. Maybe you've recently reentered the dating scene. Maybe you've gone on one too many dates that went nowhere, or maybe you're just ready to take your current relationship to the next level. That is exactly why we created the sounding board, a true extension of our podcast that delivers a personalized experience, which includes monthly office hours where you can drop in and chat with us about anything. Weekly sound offs with guided discussions and regular virtual happy hours, allow Julie and I to become your dating sherpas to provide real-time guidance and wisdom in a more intimate way so we can all navigate dating and relationships together. Join the sounding board today by going to dateable podcast dot com slash sounding board. Again, that's dateable podcast dot com slash sounding board. I know that this submission is about Friends, but I do kind of want to talk about family too. So I think Friends is chosen family in some cases. Again, everyone's definition is different and family I think is an interesting beast too, because everyone's relationship with their family is very different. I've had friends that are like, oh yeah, I introduce everyone to my parents and, you know, like if we do break up, they don't care, they're just like, oh, it was cool to meet that person. And then other people, like, how I feel about it. It's like a big step. I only have introduced one person to my parents, you know? It's a big thing for me. So it really just depends so much and yeah, I'd love your thoughts too of on introducing to parents and how you see that. To me, it's a big deal to have family approval. And even though I'm an independent woman and I should be able to make my own decisions, if my parents don't like my partner, I just don't see it happening for the long run. It could be a fun thing, but it's not a lifelong thing. So for me, it's like once the relationship gets to like we've defined the relationship. It is, for me, it's that time to introduce them to my parents. Now, I have not met my partner's parents because they live in a different country, and because of COVID, I have not been able to meet them. We've done video call, but yes, even to my partner, he's like, you know, that's like the one thing missing for us. Is that you have not met my parents. So it feels like it is a very important step for him too. Yeah. No, I think, you know, for me, I introduced my current partner to my parents, maybe earlier that I would have if I was looking at timelines, but a big part of it was that they planned a trip out here. Well, I do want him to be my parents, and it's kind of weird if he does it meet them, but they can't hide him. Yeah, and I'm like, in my mind, would I have actually chosen the three more months from that, probably. But you know, that's what kind of unfolded and at some point to as the person. I think a lot of us are afraid to introduce people to our friends and family, because if it doesn't work out, then you're like, oh, then I have to explain where this person went. But now has a face behind them. So I do think there is an aspect of that that could be a very real fear for this person's partner. And I think sometimes though, as the person with the fair, you need to kind of just take a risk. Yeah, for me, I was like, you know, it's now or who knows when? I don't know when they're coming back. It might be a year from now. You just got to seize the day too. Speaking of fear, you just inspired me to think about this too, is that sometimes we don't want to introduce our partners to our friends and family for the fear of what they might say. For the fear of what our family and friends might say, because, you know, we've all had friends who've seen our previous partners, where we were like, when we were in our early 20s and you're like, shut up. Don't tell that story. Shut up, don't bring up that. Don't bring up that story, so it's almost like, oh, I don't want this person to get a glimpse of who I was before. You know. You know, I'm like thinking about it out loud and in your mind, I feel like your parents feel like the harsher critics, but sometimes it is your Friends. Oh, yes. And I think I can think of many cases, not necessarily with me introducing people. I actually have never really experienced this, but I've definitely remembered one of my friends introducing her partner and everyone kind of like grilling him and coming down on him, and you know, it can be really overwhelming, especially only 6 months in when you're like maybe not as in it together either at that stage. Like sometimes you want to come in really unified to do that. I will be your hardest critic. I actually do like Julie's partner, but I like very few of my friends partners. Very few. Maybe like 1%. And that's just like wow. I feel like he's doing well. This is what this podcast is about, but I have another friend that was like the first time she met him.

00:20:02 - 00:25:00

She's like, you're my favorite of all my Friends significant others. And I said to him, I'm like, you know, it's really nice that she said that, but it's also clearly there's like a real low bar. You know, that you've met one time and you're the favorite. That means that everyone else is blatantly not the favorite, right? So I think that is a very real thing is that you don't necessarily want to hear from your Friends about your partner or you don't want them to knit pick or you know it just also depends like maybe you're not fully sure and you can telling your Friends something. They're going to have a different reaction than if you're like, oh, this is my person. I'm going in. I even remember when you met my partner the second time and the first time you kind of asked him some questions and then the second time you were like, well, you've already taken for a year. Yeah, I don't need a grill you. Exactly. So maybe this person feels that way that I want to be like in it with you a 100% and then we'd move forward. Yeah, yeah. Absolutely, absolutely. But yes, I will be your harshest critic and I also think to me there's nothing more embarrassing than telling your friends about your partner, maybe some of the problems or fights you've had. And then introducing them. Because all they see is the negatives, right? So I feel like sometimes you have to get your relationship to a really good place before you can introduce them to your friends because otherwise your friends are always going to be by your side and if you told your friends about that one time, he did this and that, they're never going to forgive that. Fuck, we should do an episode about that. Like how much do you tell your Friends? 'cause that's good stuff. Nothing. I've definitely learned that the hard way from me in that for me seeing people after the fact and then also for me telling things, like hearing things and telling things. It's really difficult. Yes. I'd rather just not know to shut up. Don't say any more. But that you also want to be there and you need support. That's a tricky one. But we'll do that. What is another question? Yes, yes. There we go. Thanks. Let's go. We'll save that one. But yeah, I think what we've learned from this is that there is some complexity to it. Having that open conversation is never going to hurt as long as it's phrased in a way that's inviting, sharing your feelings, not accusing them of anything. All of that is going to just be a way to progress the relationship forward, even if it isn't meeting someone per se. I think really getting to the root. And also just learning about them more when you hear about their relationships with their family and friends will tell you so much about your partner and help you to understand and see things from their light. I'm saying this is a reminder to myself as well. But sometimes you get so occupied of what you want and how you want to move the relationship that you forget that there is another person there that has all the same fears, insecurities, qualms, like all the stuff that you also have, but maybe it shows up in a different way for them. It's so important to just get that out and then you don't have to make these assumptions that maybe they're embarrassed or afraid or whatever. You'll just know what the reason is. Yeah, just having that open communication and also you just remind me of something it's like, you can ask your partner, who are some of the closest people in your life. And if they bring up, oh, my friend Susie is she's very close to me. You could say something like, I would love to meet Suzy one day, she sounds awesome, right? That's not like, why aren't you introduced me to your friends? It's like, I would love to meet these people in your life. I remember having that conversation with my ex and him like, oh, I didn't know you wanted to meet my parents. Right, yes. And I think, yeah, like I should have set that like months ago or just like really like to meet them. I think so many times we're waiting for that other person to make that step where they can't be mind readers, what we've learned from this episode and all of data is that even in the most healthy, secure relationships, we're never like fully on the same page because we're two different people that process things differently. So we're never going to be like a 100% in lockstep. We might be like 90%, but we're never going to be a 100% just because we're not carbon copies of each other. So the more that we can just state what we're looking for and what's important to us, the better, in addition to understanding where they're coming from. Absolutely. Thanks for that question. It's a great question. We love timeline questions. Oh God, yeah. I feel like there's like a bunch more we can do on that one too. Time to do this. When should this happen? So keep them coming, keep them coming. You can email us hello, I did well podcast dot com or DM us at datable podcast on Instagram or show up at 5 O just kidding. That's not giving away our address. Damn it. So close. So close. Like a crew of date ables just wave their hand with the question on a poster board. That's where we draw the line. Anyway, okay, so that's it for this episode of brunch talk and we can't wait to answer more questions on the next one.

00:25:00 - 00:26:57

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