#brunchtalk: What to do when they don't text back

00:00:00 - 00:05:01

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00:05:03 - 00:10:04

And you know, I think it feels like that could be super daunting to have a conversation with someone you barely know and that you're going to come off needy and all of that. But I think remembering that one, you want to be with someone that you feel secure with. And if someone can't meet you where you are. And I think there's also a big difference of needing a zillion things versus like, this is my one thing, you know? That's a different situation. And it can open up for them to share what is it that they need from you that will make them feel secure about this. And I think you can even say is this something I've just realized from dating, not putting blame on them. I think that's why it's good to have that convo before it becomes a problem because it's not about something that they've done wrong. Right. Get ahead of it. We often read into the significance of text in everyone is a little bit different with the way they tax, which is why this is such a big hot topic early on in dating because we don't know these people that well and how they actually tax and what it actually means. We're just using the rules that we're kind of that are thrown out there and modern data culture around texting. Yes. And one thing that you can do is say fuck it to these gendered roles or even like they texted me last or whatever the dynamic in your head is saying that they should be the next person to text. I personally would like to be put out of my misery. So I'm like, I'm just going to text them and I would rather find out if they just aren't interested. If they aren't, then I can move on and hopefully they still are. And it's just a story I've been making up in my mind. I just think sometimes we can spend hours ruminating on something. When you could just take an action and then you could be done with it. But again, that's up to you. I think some people view that very differently. Like I could see the feedback being like, but now I'm the one that has to make all the boobs and I don't think that's the case either. If you send one extra text, that doesn't mean that you're the only one that has to initiate everything. It's more just getting out of your own way to do it. But the other option is if you don't want to do that, take a walk around the block. Like get away from your phone, I swear sitting, watching that phone is the death of anyone. Just waiting for that bubble to pop up. I've been saying it as someone that has been staring at their phone before. I bought an adult coloring book. Purely for this reason. I had to control my anxiety. So in between text, I would be coloring in this coloring book. You know, just having the time pass. That is just really sad, but that was just my way of managing it. I think that's something that is so important to bring up is what you want to avoid is to be like an us versus them mentality where if they don't text you back in four hours, then you wait four hours to text them back, then in that, in that scenario, you end up sending one text a day because you're just waiting 8 hours in between text. This is what we've cleaned this relationship chicken. If you are looking for a relationship, stop doing the things that are getting you out of being in a relationship and lean in into that relationship. So don't try to do like the whole defensive thing of, oh no, I'm going to wait a few hours before texting them back. That's playing games and that never gets you anywhere. It's so fascinating because we, you know, I'm just speaking as a hetero woman because that's what UA and I are. We've dealt with this, but I think so many times where waiting for, you want to feel pursued. You want to feel like someone's making all the moves. And I think this can actually go for non hetero women too is like you always want to feel like the person's into it or what's the point and actually pursuing this. But actually many, especially in modern times, the desire is to have more of an equal relationship when you're actually in the relationship. So it's such a paradox that you're expecting this person to stop the world and pursue you. But when you actually are in a relationship, it almost doesn't matter who's doing what. I almost feel like shifting to that mentality at the beginning is actually going to set you up for the relationship you want. So it's less about thinking like, oh, I'm doing something wrong. I'm not playing by the rules and all the stuff that we've been told for years that you're supposed to do to get someone to be interested in you. Again, for me personally, the second I just became more authentic with people and dating is when actually I'm meaningful relationships. When I was playing all these like, oh, I can't text them first rules. Nothing went anywhere. It was what you were just saying, you ate. It's like nothing got off the ground because both parties are like sitting in this game mentality. Yeah, it's stalemate and then who's gonna move the chess piece forward? Nobody, 'cause all you're trying to do is move back, hoping the other person steps forward and chases you. If you don't make an effort, how is someone else going to chase you back? And it doesn't really make much sense.

00:10:05 - 00:15:01

And so many times, to me, so this is like an example that I always think about is so I was dating this guy for a little bit and I was really into him and I sent him a text asking him what he was doing on Saturday. He never texted me back and I played the cool girl of like, I don't need to hear from him. It's fine, it's over. I run into him at a bar a week later. And I confront him. I was like, hey, how come you didn't text me back? And he was like, I lost my phone. I'm so sorry. I didn't text you back. I didn't never got the text message. In my head, that was like such a movie moment of like, oh my gosh, we're gonna be together because it was just a missing phone and now we're okay. Turns out, in a relationship, that guy lost his phone all the fucking time because he was not a responsible man. He did not have his life together. I was like, wait. Hold on. This is not the romantic story. I was looking for because it is indicative of the behavior in a relationship, right? So in the beginning of a relationship, stop trying to think about ways to make it more romantic or that meet cute story, it doesn't happen like that. Everything should be indicative of what it will be like in a relationship. So keep asking yourself, would I be okay with this in a relationship with I be doing this in a relationship? Most of the time you probably wouldn't be. That's so fascinating. That may be think of something too. It's like, okay, so this is maybe the exception, but it's happened to me on multiple times, primarily with WhatsApp is that I don't actually get the message. Someone sent me or they sent me a message or I sent them a message and they never received it. You know, I don't want people to hang on. That's the reason they're not messaging me back, but it could happen. I got to a point that I'm like, I'd rather just know that have these what if moments. For yours, for instance, you would not have ever known this if you haven't run into here, which doesn't always happen. So for me, I was always like, well, I'd rather just send them another message at that point. And then either be pleasantly surprised that there was a mishap that happened, or just learned that they're not that into me, and I can move on. I think we're so scared to get that news. Is that news really worse? I think getting out of your own misery is the best thing that could happen so you can then focus on someone that will text you back right away or that there was just a misunderstanding and they fully intended to see you. How many of you have done this? You match with someone on a dating app. You start texting, and then you don't hear from them, and then you check their profile on the dating app to see where they are, geographically, right? How many miles are they are away from you? And then you start making up these stories so they must be on a date. They must be out having a fun or drinking. That is what Julie was saying. It's like creating that misery in your head, making up these stories that may or may not be true. It doesn't really matter because you are not witnessing it. You're just making it up in your head. The faster you can address the story in your head and just truncate that story versus letting it play out forever and ever because then you start seeing their miles get closer to you like wait, now there are two miles away from me. They must be at the bar down the street, right? You don't want that. You're going to drive yourself nuts. You got to nip that story in the bud and be like, uh oh, stop with the imaginary stories. Oh my God, that totally may be think of that time. You know the time of reference. Oh yes. I will always remember that to be might have heard this story before, but I'm going to share it again. But for anyone that forgot it, but there was this infamous time that I had this situation happen. I'm having this back and forth convo with someone that I had a really great date with. We have the next date lined up and then I sent a text. How was your weekend or something? You know that was warranted a reply, but also wasn't super urgent. Never got anything back. Yep. So then I don't know, maybe two days later I threw another attack. Because we did have a day set up for plants. So there's kind of like, what do you thinking about for Thursday? Nothing again. So then UA went into full investigative mode. Created a fake profile. I'll let you take it from here because you love this part of the story. I'm just so proud of myself. I will offer this as a service, one of these days. I am the original catfish king. Yes, I created this fake profile. I had photoshopped a photo that of a girl that does not exist. She's like a combination of few girls I know. And I made her into this profile where I think many people would be interested and it was true. Many people match with her, including, said, protagonist in this story. And we matched, so I thought I would just catch him, you know? Set up a date with him and not show up. And he ghosted me too. He ghosted this big but he did talk to you. He did talk to us. So we knew he was alive. 'cause he was still alive. I had a point, did something happen to this one? Yes.

00:15:02 - 00:20:05

Yes. And we saw the miles go farther away because he lived in Oakland, and then he came back closer to San Francisco. So we know he was moving around, okay? He was going to work. He was going home. But it just boggled our minds why he couldn't just pick up the phone and text Julie back. But it wasn't worth our time. Probably not, but it was, it made for a fun story. But Julie, you should update people on what is the final oh, okay, before I go into the update, because this is like a lot ghosting, but I do think it was worth the time because I could have sat and questioned what happened. Right. For months, right? Yeah. But I sent him another message on Thursday being like, well, I guess this is it happening, you know? You know, people have, again, varying levels of how much they want to call someone out when they're not responding to them. For me, I always think about what is actually going to serve me the best. So instead of thinking about like, oh, they're going to think like pathetic or I'm needy or I'm desperate because I keep messaging them. I want to do whatever is going to give me the most closure, so I can move the fuck on. Correct. And I don't view it as being the desperate if you're putting yourself first at this. And they're the ones that are ignoring you. You've been having a conversation. So I don't think there's anything wrong with that. So that's the first part. But what we did realize is that this guy is now engaged. And I found out that he had a girlfriend slightly after this whole thing. So a lot of times when this does happen, there's a reason, you know, there's someone else in the picture again with early dating. He could just be that there are freaking bad texture or it could be that they're just unsure of either you or their situation or where they're going or whatever it may be and it's never fully personal because you just don't know where this other person is at. So he definitely was dating someone else, but a good communicator could have still just been like, hey, things changed. That's all we needed. That's all we needed. So lesson learned from this, the more you can get out of your own misery, the better, the faster. And sometimes it's a misunderstanding, sometimes it's them just being afraid to tell you the truth. But either way is going to benefit you if you can learn that faster. Yes. And no matter what is going on in their mind, whether they're not into you or they're just a bad communicator, you will be doing yourself a favor if you can take the situations your own hands, be proactive, get in front of it, and preempt the whole anxiety situation, like just say in the very beginning, I know I have a tendency to get anxious if the texting becomes sparse or we don't hear, I don't hear back from you within a few hours. Just so you know, okay? I'd rather you just let me know, keep me updated. So when you set someone up for success, and if they still fail, then you have your answer. I feel like the rules in game playing is what fucked us, you know? I think it's just like, how do we just be direct and authentic? And it's all how you say things. Yeah, if you're accusing someone of not texting you back and being an asshole, that's very different than just being like, hey, I thought we had plans like let me know either way. Yeah. Yeah. I know. Why is that so hard? It's not. Or I've been really enjoying a K out with you and I just wanted to see if you're still up to do this on X day or whatever. Yeah, you're not desperate. You're not needy. You're communicating. Yes, all you're doing. And if they can't meet you, then you have your answer because that's indicative of their behavior in a relationship too. They're not going to be responsive to you. So you just dodged your own bullet. There you go. I definitely moved to a different mindset of like, do I want to just build a text my partner whenever the fuck I want to? Exactly the answer is yes. Yes. It's a great filtering mechanism, especially again with hetero women. We've been told not to lean back and not text first. If the guy is going to be turned off that I texted them, then I don't want to be with that person because they should be freaking ecstatic that you texted them. Exactly. So get the fuck out. Anyways, hope you all are having a fun at your own brushes, dissecting the text. Hopefully you could share this before you head out to brunch if you haven't yet. Share it with your Friends. That's always the best way to get the gospel out, that there are no freaking rules anymore. And just take take control of your love life. That's all. Yes. That's the best way. Don't share the text, share this episode instead. That's a much better share. And if you didn't listen to last week's episode all about anxiety with day day, I feel like there's so many nuggets of that one that pretty much correlate to this topic. Yes, such a great episode for anxiety. All right, we'll see you all back next Sunday for another episode of brunch talk. The dateable podcast is part of the frolic podcast network find more podcasts you'll love at frolic media, slash podcasts. Want to continue the conversation? First, follow us on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter with the handle at dateable podcast.

00:20:05 - 00:21:17

Tag us in any post with a hashtag stay dateable and trust us. We look at all those pose. Then head over to our website dateable podcast dot com. There, you'll find all the episodes as well as articles, videos, and our coaching service with vetted industry experts. You can also find our premium Y series where we dissect, analyze, and offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums. We're also downloadable for free on Spotify, Apple podcasts, Google Play, overcast, stitcher radio, and other podcast platforms. Your feedback is valuable to us, so don't forget to leave us a review. And most importantly, remember to stay dateable. DQ presents? Picture this. You stand before the awe inspiring new signature stack burger menu with DQ in your mouth wonders, where have you been in my life? That's 5 taste bud tempting cheeseburgers with 100% real seasoned beef. You peak at the loaded a one stack burger with two premium sauces. Then the flame thrower stack burger with tongue tingling jalapeno bacon. Then you realize moments like these are exactly why we have the DQ signature stack burger menu. Happy tastes good. Get it delivered at DQ dot com.

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00:05:03 - 00:10:04

And you know, I think it feels like that could be super daunting to have a conversation with someone you barely know and that you're going to come off needy and all of that. But I think remembering that one, you want to be with someone that you feel secure with. And if someone can't meet you where you are. And I think there's also a big difference of needing a zillion things versus like, this is my one thing, you know? That's a different situation. And it can open up for them to share what is it that they need from you that will make them feel secure about this. And I think you can even say is this something I've just realized from dating, not putting blame on them. I think that's why it's good to have that convo before it becomes a problem because it's not about something that they've done wrong. Right. Get ahead of it. We often read into the significance of text in everyone is a little bit different with the way they tax, which is why this is such a big hot topic early on in dating because we don't know these people that well and how they actually tax and what it actually means. We're just using the rules that we're kind of that are thrown out there and modern data culture around texting. Yes. And one thing that you can do is say fuck it to these gendered roles or even like they texted me last or whatever the dynamic in your head is saying that they should be the next person to text. I personally would like to be put out of my misery. So I'm like, I'm just going to text them and I would rather find out if they just aren't interested. If they aren't, then I can move on and hopefully they still are. And it's just a story I've been making up in my mind. I just think sometimes we can spend hours ruminating on something. When you could just take an action and then you could be done with it. But again, that's up to you. I think some people view that very differently. Like I could see the feedback being like, but now I'm the one that has to make all the boobs and I don't think that's the case either. If you send one extra text, that doesn't mean that you're the only one that has to initiate everything. It's more just getting out of your own way to do it. But the other option is if you don't want to do that, take a walk around the block. Like get away from your phone, I swear sitting, watching that phone is the death of anyone. Just waiting for that bubble to pop up. I've been saying it as someone that has been staring at their phone before. I bought an adult coloring book. Purely for this reason. I had to control my anxiety. So in between text, I would be coloring in this coloring book. You know, just having the time pass. That is just really sad, but that was just my way of managing it. I think that's something that is so important to bring up is what you want to avoid is to be like an us versus them mentality where if they don't text you back in four hours, then you wait four hours to text them back, then in that, in that scenario, you end up sending one text a day because you're just waiting 8 hours in between text. This is what we've cleaned this relationship chicken. If you are looking for a relationship, stop doing the things that are getting you out of being in a relationship and lean in into that relationship. So don't try to do like the whole defensive thing of, oh no, I'm going to wait a few hours before texting them back. That's playing games and that never gets you anywhere. It's so fascinating because we, you know, I'm just speaking as a hetero woman because that's what UA and I are. We've dealt with this, but I think so many times where waiting for, you want to feel pursued. You want to feel like someone's making all the moves. And I think this can actually go for non hetero women too is like you always want to feel like the person's into it or what's the point and actually pursuing this. But actually many, especially in modern times, the desire is to have more of an equal relationship when you're actually in the relationship. So it's such a paradox that you're expecting this person to stop the world and pursue you. But when you actually are in a relationship, it almost doesn't matter who's doing what. I almost feel like shifting to that mentality at the beginning is actually going to set you up for the relationship you want. So it's less about thinking like, oh, I'm doing something wrong. I'm not playing by the rules and all the stuff that we've been told for years that you're supposed to do to get someone to be interested in you. Again, for me personally, the second I just became more authentic with people and dating is when actually I'm meaningful relationships. When I was playing all these like, oh, I can't text them first rules. Nothing went anywhere. It was what you were just saying, you ate. It's like nothing got off the ground because both parties are like sitting in this game mentality. Yeah, it's stalemate and then who's gonna move the chess piece forward? Nobody, 'cause all you're trying to do is move back, hoping the other person steps forward and chases you. If you don't make an effort, how is someone else going to chase you back? And it doesn't really make much sense.

00:10:05 - 00:15:01

And so many times, to me, so this is like an example that I always think about is so I was dating this guy for a little bit and I was really into him and I sent him a text asking him what he was doing on Saturday. He never texted me back and I played the cool girl of like, I don't need to hear from him. It's fine, it's over. I run into him at a bar a week later. And I confront him. I was like, hey, how come you didn't text me back? And he was like, I lost my phone. I'm so sorry. I didn't text you back. I didn't never got the text message. In my head, that was like such a movie moment of like, oh my gosh, we're gonna be together because it was just a missing phone and now we're okay. Turns out, in a relationship, that guy lost his phone all the fucking time because he was not a responsible man. He did not have his life together. I was like, wait. Hold on. This is not the romantic story. I was looking for because it is indicative of the behavior in a relationship, right? So in the beginning of a relationship, stop trying to think about ways to make it more romantic or that meet cute story, it doesn't happen like that. Everything should be indicative of what it will be like in a relationship. So keep asking yourself, would I be okay with this in a relationship with I be doing this in a relationship? Most of the time you probably wouldn't be. That's so fascinating. That may be think of something too. It's like, okay, so this is maybe the exception, but it's happened to me on multiple times, primarily with WhatsApp is that I don't actually get the message. Someone sent me or they sent me a message or I sent them a message and they never received it. You know, I don't want people to hang on. That's the reason they're not messaging me back, but it could happen. I got to a point that I'm like, I'd rather just know that have these what if moments. For yours, for instance, you would not have ever known this if you haven't run into here, which doesn't always happen. So for me, I was always like, well, I'd rather just send them another message at that point. And then either be pleasantly surprised that there was a mishap that happened, or just learned that they're not that into me, and I can move on. I think we're so scared to get that news. Is that news really worse? I think getting out of your own misery is the best thing that could happen so you can then focus on someone that will text you back right away or that there was just a misunderstanding and they fully intended to see you. How many of you have done this? You match with someone on a dating app. You start texting, and then you don't hear from them, and then you check their profile on the dating app to see where they are, geographically, right? How many miles are they are away from you? And then you start making up these stories so they must be on a date. They must be out having a fun or drinking. That is what Julie was saying. It's like creating that misery in your head, making up these stories that may or may not be true. It doesn't really matter because you are not witnessing it. You're just making it up in your head. The faster you can address the story in your head and just truncate that story versus letting it play out forever and ever because then you start seeing their miles get closer to you like wait, now there are two miles away from me. They must be at the bar down the street, right? You don't want that. You're going to drive yourself nuts. You got to nip that story in the bud and be like, uh oh, stop with the imaginary stories. Oh my God, that totally may be think of that time. You know the time of reference. Oh yes. I will always remember that to be might have heard this story before, but I'm going to share it again. But for anyone that forgot it, but there was this infamous time that I had this situation happen. I'm having this back and forth convo with someone that I had a really great date with. We have the next date lined up and then I sent a text. How was your weekend or something? You know that was warranted a reply, but also wasn't super urgent. Never got anything back. Yep. So then I don't know, maybe two days later I threw another attack. Because we did have a day set up for plants. So there's kind of like, what do you thinking about for Thursday? Nothing again. So then UA went into full investigative mode. Created a fake profile. I'll let you take it from here because you love this part of the story. I'm just so proud of myself. I will offer this as a service, one of these days. I am the original catfish king. Yes, I created this fake profile. I had photoshopped a photo that of a girl that does not exist. She's like a combination of few girls I know. And I made her into this profile where I think many people would be interested and it was true. Many people match with her, including, said, protagonist in this story. And we matched, so I thought I would just catch him, you know? Set up a date with him and not show up. And he ghosted me too. He ghosted this big but he did talk to you. He did talk to us. So we knew he was alive. 'cause he was still alive. I had a point, did something happen to this one? Yes.

00:15:02 - 00:20:05

Yes. And we saw the miles go farther away because he lived in Oakland, and then he came back closer to San Francisco. So we know he was moving around, okay? He was going to work. He was going home. But it just boggled our minds why he couldn't just pick up the phone and text Julie back. But it wasn't worth our time. Probably not, but it was, it made for a fun story. But Julie, you should update people on what is the final oh, okay, before I go into the update, because this is like a lot ghosting, but I do think it was worth the time because I could have sat and questioned what happened. Right. For months, right? Yeah. But I sent him another message on Thursday being like, well, I guess this is it happening, you know? You know, people have, again, varying levels of how much they want to call someone out when they're not responding to them. For me, I always think about what is actually going to serve me the best. So instead of thinking about like, oh, they're going to think like pathetic or I'm needy or I'm desperate because I keep messaging them. I want to do whatever is going to give me the most closure, so I can move the fuck on. Correct. And I don't view it as being the desperate if you're putting yourself first at this. And they're the ones that are ignoring you. You've been having a conversation. So I don't think there's anything wrong with that. So that's the first part. But what we did realize is that this guy is now engaged. And I found out that he had a girlfriend slightly after this whole thing. So a lot of times when this does happen, there's a reason, you know, there's someone else in the picture again with early dating. He could just be that there are freaking bad texture or it could be that they're just unsure of either you or their situation or where they're going or whatever it may be and it's never fully personal because you just don't know where this other person is at. So he definitely was dating someone else, but a good communicator could have still just been like, hey, things changed. That's all we needed. That's all we needed. So lesson learned from this, the more you can get out of your own misery, the better, the faster. And sometimes it's a misunderstanding, sometimes it's them just being afraid to tell you the truth. But either way is going to benefit you if you can learn that faster. Yes. And no matter what is going on in their mind, whether they're not into you or they're just a bad communicator, you will be doing yourself a favor if you can take the situations your own hands, be proactive, get in front of it, and preempt the whole anxiety situation, like just say in the very beginning, I know I have a tendency to get anxious if the texting becomes sparse or we don't hear, I don't hear back from you within a few hours. Just so you know, okay? I'd rather you just let me know, keep me updated. So when you set someone up for success, and if they still fail, then you have your answer. I feel like the rules in game playing is what fucked us, you know? I think it's just like, how do we just be direct and authentic? And it's all how you say things. Yeah, if you're accusing someone of not texting you back and being an asshole, that's very different than just being like, hey, I thought we had plans like let me know either way. Yeah. Yeah. I know. Why is that so hard? It's not. Or I've been really enjoying a K out with you and I just wanted to see if you're still up to do this on X day or whatever. Yeah, you're not desperate. You're not needy. You're communicating. Yes, all you're doing. And if they can't meet you, then you have your answer because that's indicative of their behavior in a relationship too. They're not going to be responsive to you. So you just dodged your own bullet. There you go. I definitely moved to a different mindset of like, do I want to just build a text my partner whenever the fuck I want to? Exactly the answer is yes. Yes. It's a great filtering mechanism, especially again with hetero women. We've been told not to lean back and not text first. If the guy is going to be turned off that I texted them, then I don't want to be with that person because they should be freaking ecstatic that you texted them. Exactly. So get the fuck out. Anyways, hope you all are having a fun at your own brushes, dissecting the text. Hopefully you could share this before you head out to brunch if you haven't yet. Share it with your Friends. That's always the best way to get the gospel out, that there are no freaking rules anymore. And just take take control of your love life. That's all. Yes. That's the best way. Don't share the text, share this episode instead. That's a much better share. And if you didn't listen to last week's episode all about anxiety with day day, I feel like there's so many nuggets of that one that pretty much correlate to this topic. Yes, such a great episode for anxiety. All right, we'll see you all back next Sunday for another episode of brunch talk. The dateable podcast is part of the frolic podcast network find more podcasts you'll love at frolic media, slash podcasts. Want to continue the conversation? First, follow us on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter with the handle at dateable podcast.

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Tag us in any post with a hashtag stay dateable and trust us. We look at all those pose. Then head over to our website dateable podcast dot com. There, you'll find all the episodes as well as articles, videos, and our coaching service with vetted industry experts. You can also find our premium Y series where we dissect, analyze, and offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums. We're also downloadable for free on Spotify, Apple podcasts, Google Play, overcast, stitcher radio, and other podcast platforms. Your feedback is valuable to us, so don't forget to leave us a review. And most importantly, remember to stay dateable. DQ presents? Picture this. You stand before the awe inspiring new signature stack burger menu with DQ in your mouth wonders, where have you been in my life? That's 5 taste bud tempting cheeseburgers with 100% real seasoned beef. You peak at the loaded a one stack burger with two premium sauces. Then the flame thrower stack burger with tongue tingling jalapeno bacon. Then you realize moments like these are exactly why we have the DQ signature stack burger menu. Happy tastes good. Get it delivered at DQ dot com.