How do you know if they're 'The One'?

#brunchtalk: How do you know if they're 'The One'?

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Anyway, if you're looking to get the 4th of July drinks without waiting in 4th of July lines, download the drizzly app or go to drizzly dot com that's DRI ZL Y dot com and get your favorite drinks delivered today and maybe tell Dave to get one of those charcoal sacra things before he burns the whole neighborhood down. The dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that The Huffington Post calls one of the top ten podcasts about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about everything from sex parties to sex droughts, date fails to diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host UA Shu, former dating coach turned dating sociologist. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Kraft chick as we explore this crazy dateable world. It's time for brunch talk, welcome to a new episode of brunch talk and happy Saturday or Sunday. Yeah, yeah. 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Should we get into the question is let's get into it. We set it up already. We set it up, you know, we might as well. A question I've pondered many times. The question is, is there such a thing as the one? Yes, we've all pondered this one. But for more contacts, the listener wrote in and said, this is my first real relationship. I feel as if I have nothing to benchmark it to. In the best thing I can do is compare them to my friend's relationships. I don't think I'm afraid of starting over, which was our episode last week, but more afraid of losing a good thing just because of my curiosity in the future. Yeah, how do you know if you're with the one when you don't have anybody to compare this person against or any other relationships to compare this against? And my first inkling is to say, the one doesn't come prepackaged. You can just walk into a store and there's an aisle called the one. And you just say, I'll pick the purple one. It doesn't happen like that. The one is created in a relationship. So in that question is, does the one exist? The one exists when you create that with someone. But knowing if you are with the one or not, it gets a little tricky when you don't have a benchmark, and I feel like I've been there with my high school boyfriend because I was so in love with him. I felt like he was a one, but I didn't know. I was like a little 17 year old, right? But I think at the end of the day, if you know what love is, 'cause it's not just romantic love. We had an episode with Sydney from the bachelor. And she hasn't been in a relationship before. And she is engaged to someone like her first boyfriend, right? And she said her benchmark was just feeling the love in her life from family and friends and benchmarking against that with her current relationship and that's when she knew that he would be the one for her. And yeah, I think we always talk about just because you haven't had a romantic relationship doesn't mean that you don't have relationship experience. We all have relationship experience and pulling from that and understanding what you like and what makes you feel good and what you can relate to and all types of relationships is helpful to also provide that benchmark if you would like that. I definitely used to believe very much in the one. And I think it was more of this feeling, maybe because I'm a romantic, but also just because that's what you're taught, right? You find this person, and even if you're searching for one person, like if you are monogamous and you're looking for this person to spend your life with, that doesn't have to equate to the wand. And I think for so long I mix that up. And then once I actually found that person and it didn't work out, for gears, I had it in my head that this was still the person. So I think the one is actually kind of dangerous because if you think you found it and it doesn't work out, you can really get stuck. So I love this idea that there are many ones. There's not just one. You don't find love, you create love. And I think the reality is, and this is really scary sometimes to say out loud. We don't know what the future is gonna bring with any relationship, even if you've had hundreds of relationships before. You still don't know what the future is gonna bring for whatever current one you're in. You know, maybe you fall out of love, maybe someone gets ill, like it might not even be an issue of, it wasn't the right match. There's so much in life that could happen. So I really feel like all you can judge on is how do I feel today? Do I feel like this person brings out the best side of me? Do I feel loved and cherished by this person? Do I feel good around them? Do I feel good about myself? Do I feel safe? Do I feel secure? Like all the things that you want in a relationship, do I feel it? And if the answer is yes, then I think you actually have something pretty freaking awesome. And rare. And sometimes it's really hard to know, but hopefully I don't want to say you should take solstice to your friends like bad dating life, but hearing other people share their dating horror stories, listening to this podcast, different things that people would kind of kill for your situation. I think just because you don't have a benchmark, doesn't mean that you need to get rid of that. Of course, if you're feeling unsatisfied or unfulfilled, then that's a totally different scenario. But if things are good, but you're just like, is this the best? Is this the one? Then I think that's a slippery slope because everyone's going to have a fault. No one is going to be perfect. And there's always going to be some conflicts regardless of who you're with. There's this notion, I guess that's been created by Hollywood, is that get this feeling, all of a sudden. I'm with the one. This must be the person for me. And some of us, it does happen that way, and for most of us, I would argue it does not happen that way.

00:10:04 - 00:15:01

It does take time and it does take going through life with someone to know if you are with the right person. I know we often joke about mister Wright versus mister right now. But I think the mister right now mentality is the right mentality. Like you were saying Julie is like, you only have control over what you're feeling and going through today. You have no idea what the future holds. So if you're feeling like this is right right now, it is right for you. The problem with the one is that people feel like they put a lot of pressure on their relationship thinking, well, I've been with this person for X amount of years or X amount of months, I should have this feeling already, but a relationship is like a plant. You can't just watch a plant and expect it to grow without tending to it. Watering it. But if you, let's say you spend two years with the plant, and you're like, oh, this plant must be a really healthy plant, but you've not done nothing with it. That plant is dying, even though you've been with that plant for two years. So same thing with the relationship, the longevity of a relationship actually does not affect the quality of the relationship. So if you are wanting to be with the one, this is a conversation to have with your partner and talk about what is a one me to you and how can we be that for each other? I love that so much. And you know, I think it's a slippery slope to be in this maximizer culture that we're all in. You know, I feel like Amazon has totally fucked us. They even get anything anywhere at any time. And there's two day shipment. And there's always a bigger, brighter model out there. But I feel like if you apply that to dating, you're gonna just be in a perpetual loop on dating apps and always looking for something better and someone that gets you a little more is a good fit. It's better to, again, it depends. If you have that foundation, that's very different than if that foundation is not there. But all intents and purposes that foundation is here for this question. If you have that foundation, then how can you work to secure it and water that plant like you are just saying UA? Yeah, we got to keep watering that plant and make that plant our own. And I think it's unfortunate that these rom coms will show you these scenes of love the first sight and I have this feeling about this person that there are my soulmate. I love that too, Julie certainly loves that, being the romantic that she is. But we also have to be realistic and know that when you're doing life with someone, it goes beyond an hour and a half rom com. So think about that in your relationship instead of thinking is this a person the one for me is like how can I do life with this person? I think that's a better question and can you do conflict with this person? I always think back to the Connor beaton and Vienna fair and episode we did how to have a healthy relationship. And we ended up talking about conflict the entire time. Yes, they were like, that is the number one thing. And we learned this from doctor Alexandra Solomon, too. And this was a huge lightbulb moment for me that every couple has conflict. And if you're just running away from conflict, it's going to show up in the next person that the next person, just in a different way. And the more you can just learn to resolve that conflict and be a team that resolves it, that to me is a sign that you found the one or created the one because inherently it's combining two people that have different ways of thinking different ways of doing conflict is going to come up inevitably. So can you look at your relationship and say, do I have the skills that make relationships work for the long haul? Yeah. Speaking of running, the way I know my relationship works right now is that instead of running away from each other, we run towards each other, especially in times of conflict. So if you're looking for a gut check of whether you're with the right person, is in times of conflict or hardship, does your partner run towards you? Are you running towards each other? It's so easy to leave a relationship and say that wasn't the one. That was in the right one for me. But you're constantly going to find that you're not with the right person if you keep running away, right? So really think about how you and your partner approach conflict like Julie said and approach the tough times because during the easy times during the fun times, you're always with the right one because it's right. Well, I think that's a really good point too, is as a relationship progresses. There's more and more of these life moments, you know? Like, how do you feel? We call it the Sunday test. When you're doing absolutely nothing on a Sunday, you're just sitting on that couch. How do you feel when it's not the new restaurant or the hot bar? Whatever, something that's more of that external stimulus going on. I think that's a really good benchmark too. Can you just talk about anything? Does it have to feel on all the time? Those are all really important traits to look for when you're evaluating if this person could be it for the long haul.

00:15:01 - 00:20:02

So I'm not going to use the word the one. Yeah, there is no the one, there's so many. There's so many people who could be compatible for you. There's also so many people who could be bad for you and the point of dating is not to find just the one is to find someone who's willing to do life with you and willing to confront conflicts with you and that's not everybody. That's why I guess maybe that's why we call it the one because so few people are willing to go through this. So when you do find someone who's willing to, I guess you can call that quote unquote the one. Yeah, I think it's committing every day, right? Just committing to being together and to doing what you need to do and being there for that person. And if you see that, that is a sign that you're with the right person. And there's so many signs. I think I'd rather this listener reframe it instead of the one signs them with the right person. And that can be like, do I feel like myself with this person? Do I feel like they support me like things that are essential in a partnership? And maybe that's a good checklist that we can all make right now if you are with your Friends at brunch, maybe just make a list of all the things that you want to feel around the right person and for me on that list is I want to feel desired. I want to feel respected. I want to feel safe. I want to feel seen. I want to feel confident. I want to feel beautiful. That's already 6 right there. Yep, don't worry, I have it in my notes of my phone exactly my list. Because I think I was like, let me pull it out right now. This is really important because it helps you focus on the good things about someone. It's easy to let your mind wander of, could they do this a little differently? Or is there someone out there that we do this in a way that makes more sense to me? But how can we start to just focus on what's good about the person? And I think having it in your actual phone as a list item. Check it out. I think yeah. I think the ones I have is support to feel supported, like whether that's professionally or even just an everyday life, like a partner to go through life with, cared for, someone that, you know, I know has my best interests in mind and wants to be there for me, intellectually satisfied. Like I can talk to them about anything and everything, that they're like my best friend, that friendship is at the core of it. You know, those are some of the ones on my list, safe and secure, have a true partner, content, feeling content, at ease, and that I can be my true self. That's my list. That's a great list. What an awesome idea to keep in your phone. All I have is my grocery list on my phone. So I'm gonna have to reshift my priorities a little bit. But that's a great that's a great reminder. Yeah, and I think like for people that don't have a partner, making that list ahead of time, not making the list of their 6 feet or their a slim build or whatever. Those lists, we don't need to build. But having a list of what you want to feel with this person is essential to help you be objective when you're dating, but then for people that have that partner to remind you of what this person brings to your life or if you're really feeling like some of these items are falling short, that's something you work together to create. And then if you really can't create it, then that's a sign that you're not with the right person, not that there is another one that's out there that you are doing, what you can communicating what you need to, your needs and letting seeing if they meet you and want to work with you and commit to it together. And if you haven't been in that many relationships or haven't dated that much, think about the three people in your life, your closest to where you love being around and then think about why you like being around them. How do they make you feel? I love being around my mom because I feel like she supports me no matter what, that unconditional love is there and she's freaking hilarious. So she makes me laugh. So think about not just the romantic relationships, but just the people you surround yourself with, that those are the characteristics that you're really looking for, combined in your ideal partner. I love that. I love that, because yeah, I think so often we put this emphasis on the romantic partner that this person needs to be X, Y, and Z, and sometimes it's not even stuff that we actually need in a partner. No. It gets things that we've been told or make it an attractive partner. But if you actually look at the people you surround yourself and your friends and family, maybe they don't even have those traits, but that doesn't make them less people and that's what you can really use as your north star of things that matter that is what makes you feel good in the company of others.

00:20:03 - 00:25:01

Having that list keeps it real for you. I just think about the guy I thought was the one for me and my mom. Called me and said, would you really want to be with someone who does not return your text messages? Right. Does not want to commit to you who does not want to do this or does not want to do that. And it was such a rude awakening for me to think, why did I even think this person would be the one for me? They'd be a terrible partner to me, so having that list as your north star really is a good gut check so you don't derail yourself from your entire love love experience. I so wish I had this list when I was so hung up on the fact that my ex was the one because the safe and secure, like right there, the fact that it was an on again off again relationship should tell you all, right? That is the definition of not safe and secure. And I think recognizing that instead of we get so attached to the story, especially if you had a meet cute. And there's this whole thing around it. I definitely got attached to the story that we had. I mean, even the on again off again, there's these tropes, love is not like a Disney movie where you're fighting a battle to win over this person. It shouldn't be this tumultuous. Peaks and valleys type story, like a hero's journey. This is your love life. It doesn't need to be that way, but I think we get so caught in what we think it should be like that we don't recognize when things are just safe and secure and calm and peaceful. All the things that actually really matter. Yeah, that's a good party note for everyone. Even if you feel like you found the one or you kind of know what you're looking for in the one, it's good to always remind yourself why you're dating in the first place. Why are you in relationships? Why do you want to be in relationships? It's not for the storyline or I hope it's not for the storyline. The storyline is fun, but it only goes so far and it does not carry you through life. I hope that most of us want to be in relationships because we want to share our lives with someone. We want to find someone who is always on our side, our biggest cheerleader, and then we can conquer the world together. To me, that's like the ultimate hero story of being with someone and that's where love really flourishes is when you're with someone you're like, this person's got my back. No matter what, they've got my back and just that constant reminder of why the fuck are we doing this in the first place? It's good. Yeah. No, I think that's super helpful. And I hope for this listener that wrote in, we can one reframe what the one is. So that's first and foremost. And second is like can there just be a gut check that what's important to you and what is your why for this relationship? If all of that checks out and you feel good today because that's all you can control, then you are with the right person. And you can keep going, you know, hopefully for the long haul, but if that changes, then you address it then, you know? That's all you can really do. I encourage you to tell your partner too, let them know. Hey, I'm feeling like you're really good for me. Do you feel that way too? How can we better support each other? This is an ongoing discussion. We're not just sitting back, judging someone and like, oh, he didn't take out the trash, not the one. Communicate. And especially if you haven't had a lot of relationship experience. You can bring it to that as like, hey, this is where this is coming from. I just don't know. And let that person be there with you on this journey like that's part of it. And we said, you know, we've heard of a lot of people, this relationship experience. I feel like this continues to be something that's always brought up. And you know, in today's world, when we are kind of putting relationships a little on the back burner sometimes for school and careers and building a life outside of relationships, often as we do find ourselves at one point and being like, fuck, I'm in my first relationship, and I'm way older than I thought I was gonna be. It's not high school anymore. It's my 20s or 30s or 40s or whatever. And I think it's easy to be like, I am behind. I don't know how to be in relationships. This isn't something I do, but that's just a story you're telling yourself for whatever reason your life unraveled in a certain way and that doesn't make you more or less capable of being in a relationship than anyone that's been in hundreds of relationships. Wonderful, well, thanks for sending in that question. We hope you all are having a wonderful brunch and again, let's keep this going. We love the questions coming in. You can email us, hello, a dateable podcast dot com or find us on Instagram, DMS at dateable podcast. We check that quite often, or you can drop a line in our Facebook community, love in the time of Corona by the dateable podcast. Come on. Let's keep that going too.

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You can reach us in so many different places, but we know you're burning questions. So ask away and remember to subscribe in case brunches early next week. Yeah. Surprise, surprise. All right, we're gonna wrap up this episode see you all next week for a brunch talk. See you next week. The dateable podcast is part of the frolic podcast network. Find more podcasts you'll love at frolic media, slash podcasts. Want to continue the conversation? First, follow us on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter with the handle at dateable podcast. Tag us in any post with a hashtag stay dateable and trust us. We look at all those pose. Then head over to our website dateable podcast dot com. There, you'll find all the episodes as well as articles, videos, and our coaching service with vetted industry experts. You can also find our premium Y series where we dissect, analyze, and offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums. We're also downloadable for free on Spotify, Apple podcasts, Google Play, overcast, stitcher radio, and other podcast platforms. Your feedback is valuable to us, so don't forget to leave us a review. And most importantly, remember to stay dateable. If you're into designer furniture and you want the sofa that broke the Internet, you don't have to go broke to get it because designer looks furniture has all the same styles and trends and all the quality, but without the designer prices, check them out, designer looks at value city furniture or designer looks dot com.

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