How do you get better matches?

#brunchtalk: How do you get better matches?

00:00:01 - 00:05:02

The dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that The Huffington Post calls one of the top ten podcasts about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about everything from sex parties to sex droughts, date fails to diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host UA Shu, former dating coach turned dating sociologist. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Kraft chick as we explore this crazy dateable world. Brunchables, welcome back to brunch talk by the dateable podcast. We hope you're enjoying your brunch or dinner or midday drink, whatever you're doing or having in your mouth. It's none of our business, but we hope you're enjoying it. Now we got to after dark. Here we go. I love whenever you say brunchables, it makes me think lunchables. Exactly what goes to my mind every time but it does give me a chuckle. I like lunchables. Well, it's like the most processed food you could ever give your kids, but it's delicious. It's efficient. That's for sure. All of that little box, but yes. We are also efficient here. We get right that down to visit us and give you what you're here for. Every brunch talk, it starts off maybe. I'm just thinking about the brunch you go to friends. How is everyone doing? And then it just shoots right into. Let's get into what's going on in our love lives. Yeah. Everyone's doing the small talk, just as a courtesy. But nobody really cares. No one's like, what did you do? How's work going? Would you do last night? It's more like, okay, come on, let's get to the dirty stuff. Yeah, the gossip, the juicy good stuff. Yeah, I remember that brunches that we would have. And if someone with small talk for too long, I would literally get mad. I would just like, I think we can move on from this, you know? We've talked about it or work enough. So you know why we're here, people? Yeah. Right. It's brought you, okay? You saved that for your Friends from Monday through Friday. Don't do that here. Save that for your FaceTimes, you know? Worthy. Zoom calls. That's it. And those people never got invited back to brunch. You and I used to have this tea group. Yes. And I feel like those people circled out real fast. Yes, yes. Well, I mean, you get two groups of people. You get the ones who are there thinking it's just brunch. And then you get the people who are in the inner circle, knowing it's more than grudge. So when you have people coming in with different expectations, yeah, it's time to end that brunch early, and then take it elsewhere. That's how you can see if they could hang, right? That's true. Just throw a ball once they're there. Tell me what was in your mouth at 5 p.m. yesterday. Just start there. Well, okay, how do we go from here? Are you coming out of that? There's no transition. We're just going to do it. We're going to go straight into this question. If everyone's ready. No bullshit. No small. No small talk. Let's just get right into the question. The question is, how do I get better matches on dating apps? And for more context, the listener that wrote in said, I feel like I get enough matches on dating apps. If anything, it's too many that it's hard to sift through all of them. Yet none of them end up being people I want to actually date. How do I zero in or get better quality matches while I'm on data apps? I just picture some men listening to this just cursing at their phone because I understand statistics show women do get more match way more matches than men do on these dating apps. And I guess it can be overwhelming or underwhelming for men and overwhelming for women. The first thought I have like Julie, I don't know what you think about this. If you're getting all those matches, it means that you also like them, right? You swiped on them too, so it's a conscious decision that you are swiping on all these people who turns out most of them are not a good match for you, right? Yeah, the only thing I can think of and we talk about this sometimes is that there's only so much you get from a dating profile. So maybe this person and I've been there before is that you put a wider net out. But then you got a filter somehow. There's no way you could just go out with every person if you're gonna do that strategy. So personally, I think the best filtering can happen in the conversation, not on the actual profile. So I don't think it's wrong to necessarily have a lot of matches, but not to get discouraged when every match doesn't become someone you want a date. I think you just need to view it more as your process. And actually whittling down the matches can actually be more beneficial because you don't get as burnt out.

00:05:03 - 00:10:03

You're not dating and going on date after date personally for me and we've heard this from a lot of people as well. When I had less matches, I actually found that it was with people I wanted to date, opposed to when I was doing more of the cereal dating piece and just going out with everyone. So yes, I'm sure there's some people that are saying, I don't have any matches and this is discouraging, but I do see it goes to both sides of the spectrum here. It can also be overwhelming when you have a lot of matches, but at the same time, we also hear that a lot of people on dating apps don't initiate convos. They don't talk. That's a good way to reduce your batches, right? If you put something out and no one responds to you, that person is no longer a batch. It's not what about this person. Sometimes we gravitate still to the people that aren't showing us who they are, let's use that as a way to filter down. I do think that if you're getting a ton of matches, it just means you're profiles not discerning enough. And no, we don't have to put that much time and effort into our profiles, but you seem to appeal to the masses and end of the day, we're just looking for that one quality match. So it's not really about the numbers. It's not a numbers game in any of this. Something I would consider doing is to make your profile more discerning. Is there something more you can put in there that can shoe away the people who are not a good match for you? And some of that could just be being more upfront about who you are as a person, right? And what you're looking to get out of this app. And the second step I would think is they show that our brains are only able to juggle three to 5 conversations at a time. So if you have like a shit ton of matches and you're talking to all of them, it just means you're not focusing your energy on any of them and of course they're not going to feel like a great match. So maybe you just do the three match rule. You juggle conversations with three people max. If one person drops out, you swipe for another one, just have three in the rotation. So at least you can spend the quality time and effort on those matches. I really like that. And I do agree that sometimes what we get to know ourselves better. That's when we do have less matches. And for whatever reason, we feel like dating apps as a popularity contest. We always hear people saying like, I don't have enough matches. I don't have good enough matches, but also what is good enough even mean? Yes. What are we judging this off of? Because personally, I don't think to judge it on their profile means anything. I would judge it more like if you say that you want to do a video call, does this person follow through and is willing to do it. If they're not willing to do it, then let's not even view that person as a match, right? That's a way to get your matches dwindling. And I love this. Let's keep three to 5 people on rotation at all times. And if we can get really clear, like, hey, I want someone that's consistent, but we have one person that's messaging every now and then. Never committing to an actual plan, never committee to do a phone call or video. They gotta go, right? Yep, I'm to leave the rotation. Part of the filtering process is, I'm gonna throw it back to you. Are you a quality match? Would someone qualify you as a quality match? And a way to think about that is every time you communicate and reach out to the matches that you have, you be that quality match. And if someone's not responding back to you, they're not carrying on the conversation, they're not progressing this messaging, then you get the hell out because you're a quality match, and they're not being met. But don't level down. You got a level up. When you level down, all you're gonna see are bad matches. Doesn't mean those people are necessarily bad matches. Maybe it's just energy matching energy. Well, the problem is, we've called it this before, the settling paradox is that no one wants to settle. Yet they won't settle for anyone that doesn't meet certain physical characteristics or the features that we've been told are so important in a partner. And then they end up settling for bad treatment because it's one of those things that when we say good match, again, let's go back to defining what this means because oftentimes people say, oh, they didn't go to the college I wanted them to go to or they're not this height or they're not this build or they don't live close enough or whatever information that we get from dating apps because let's be honest dating apps don't know if this person's kind or they're funny or they're a good person. All we know are the superficial traits. So that's how we tend to judge good matches and I've seen people hold on to quote unquote good matches that aren't receptive that aren't giving them anything back because they have all this good on paper and we need to reframe what a good match is and I think that's going to start to let different people surface to the top. And defining that for yourself is so important. I think maybe that's step number one is what is a good match. What does that mean to me? And that means so many different things. I remember when I was dating a good match to me would mean someone who responded back to my messages.

00:10:04 - 00:15:01

That's terrible. Can we raise our standards a little bit, right? And we understand these conversations they drop off within the first couple of days. Well, a quality match could be someone who goes against the grain. Someone who doesn't fall into that stereotype of what a typical online dater looks like. And I think ultimately it's about bringing quality matches that you also embody, right? So two quality people being brought together and knowing that we can't expect these dating apps to do everything for us. They're just there for the introduction. They're there to match two people with pictures and some words. They're not there to help you find true love or your soulmate or be like serving this person on a platter to you and saying, hey Julie, this is a quality match for you. That is not their job. They're just there to make the introductions. And it is up to you to turn these matches into quality matches. It's so funny that you say that they just need to respond, but that's the low bar that we're in today's world. That other people think. But I almost feel like that is a good first step, even though we're joking, but I can't just be that. But then have a freaking conversation. There's more that you're going to learn in a 20 minute conversation than going back and forth on text through the app or through your phone for a week. Just get on the phone, see if the person carries the conversation and how you feel when talking to them, that's all you need to know is should I meet this person? Because let's be honest. The reality is until we meet in person. See how this person operates. See the energy that they bring. We're never going to know if they're good. Not. So the key is to get to in person, but we also understand that you can't meet every last person in person. So there needs to be things that your filtering for. So one of them can be, are they responsive? But also like when I talk to them, do they bring out the best side of my? Am I excited to meet them? I'm excited to have a conversation. All of that is really important because so often we go out with people that were simply not excited about that we haven't vetted at all just to say like, oh, we need to just get a bunch of people. We need to feel like we're doing something, but I really do believe that less is more sometimes and it's so counterintuitive to how we think dating works. I think the most detrimental behavior we can all do with online dating is a game we call capture the red flag. Yes. You look at the messages and you look at the profiles and all we're doing is looking for the red flags. Any proof to show that this person is not a good match, even when you meet in person, you're looking for the things to tell you not a second date. Or this is not going to work out. And we have to get a little bit realistic here. A good match doesn't just come prepackaged for you. A good match is when you and the other person are both wanting to make an effort to make this a good match. You're just looking for someone who's willing. Someone who's willing to make that effort to work on this with you. That good match does not come straight out of the box, like here you go, perfection. It doesn't exist. So stop chasing those red flags because hell, if you're going to look for red flags, you're going to find plenty of red flags on every fucking person you meet. Yes, including yourself. Everyone has restaurants. I agree. I think there is a big piece of we need to just go in and look at this person, like we would if we were meeting someone at a party or we're meeting a random friend, do I enjoy their company? That's all you need to know for a good match. The reality is even the first date you're not going to know if they're a good match, like this stuff takes time. And what does a good match mean? I really do think that when people say this, it's all the superficial qualities because that's really all you get at this stage of the game, nothing else is a parent yet. Yep, yep, let's hold that thought for a quick message. This episode is brought to you by attitude, want deep, restful sleep without taking melatonin, trying to stop your night sweats or looking to get a little more eco friendly, you won't get these with any old cotton sheets, but you will with bamboo. Upgrade your stuffy cotton bedding in attitudes naturally breathable bedding made from their innovative clean bamboo fabric. It feels unlike anything else you've slept on, and no, they won't cost you or the earth, because right now you can get 20% off your first order by visiting attitude dot com slash dateable. 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Weekly sound offs with guided discussions and regular virtual happy hours, allow Julie and I to become your dating sherpas to provide real-time guidance and wisdom in a more intimate way so we can all navigate dating and relationships together. Join the sounding board today by going to dateable podcast dot com slash sounding board. Again, that's dateable podcast dot com slash sounding board. Thinking back to the time when I had a fake profile to catch Julie's ghost and in the process of trying to find the guy that ghosted her, I had many conversations with people I matched with a fake file. And I have to say, because I wasn't looking for anything, I wasn't looking for red flags. They were all great matches. 'cause I had no expectations. We had great conversation. We got to know each other, no pretenses. Hell, I would have gone out with any of them. Right. I think a lot of it is that we are trying to find the one. The person. Yeah. So what a good match means hold so much weight. All that we can do at this stage is am I enjoying a tie with them? You know, we always talk about how draining dating apps are. I figured good batch is someone that you're having a fun convo with. That's my personal opinion of a good match at this stage. Yeah, maybe that's a good barometer. Does this person drain my energy? And if they don't, that's a pretty good match. Let's explore where this goes. Some people can really suck your energy even through messaging, which is quite the talent. And that's not someone you should have in your rotation. Hey, if they're draining your energy, why is that even worth it? I think a big piece of it too, though, is what are you putting out there? We were saying if you're just looking for red flags or you're expecting so much from what this match means or your sizing them up, their resume, all that. Because we've heard from a lot of people that say, hey, these people are really boring that I'm talking to. They're not asking me enough questions. It's just not an engaging conversation, but I would also challenge what are you saying to them, but we've definitely looked through a few people's phones. And you know, it doesn't need to be the most riveting conversation of all time. I mean, I look back on my first convo with my partner and it's terrible. But, you know, like in objective terms, but it was, it moved fast enough. We had enough back and forth. It wasn't one person leading the whole thing. Look at how you're responding. I think it's a really good exercise to go through your old conversations. It look at what I want to talk to me. Yes. Because you don't have control over other people, the only thing you have control over is you and I think it's time we stop blaming the apps for giving you bad matches, no app founder has ever started a company saying, I only want to deliver bad matches to piss people off. That was never their intent. Let's be honest here, right? Think about what's real here. What is real is you're on a platform that's delivering people to you that you may not meet otherwise. It's making introductions and it's time for you to explore. So what's in your control? What's in your control is how you make the apps work for you and not how you can be drained by the apps because for anybody who says they're drained by the apps, you're not doing it right.

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You're not using it right. I think the other piece is that we can't complain about the people on them. Like we hear, even in the Facebook group, this person doesn't have any info on their profile. Okay, then make sure you're not guilty of the same behavior. If you aren't, if you're checked all the boxes, everything looks good. Then don't engage with that person. There you filter someone out. I feel like we spent so much energy complaining about all the bad people on data gaps, the bad matches, but if we could just refocus our attention to saying, okay, this isn't what I'm looking for. I'm not looking for someone that gives you one word answers. And I have to force conversation with, then it's time that that person isn't even in your roster anymore. That's simple. It's just odd. This type of thinking and behavior. If you are to walk down the street, let's say you walk three blocks and you had to talk to every stranger possible. I would guarantee you 99% of the people you talk to are not going to engage or be a good match for you. So here we are. Dating apps are cutting through all the people who are not in your sexual preference, people who are not single, they're cutting all those people out and putting you in a room of all the people who are at least on paper looking for what you're looking for. So isn't that great that you don't have to walk down the street and meet all these random strangers and try to engage in conversation. Let's just be a little bit more grateful for the fact that we have these resources and the control of what you can do on the apps like Julie said you do not have to engage with everyone you match with. If there's something you don't like or they're missing in their profile, nobody forces you to talk to them and therefore you should not talk to them. The key is reframing what a good match is. What if we revolutionary thought, what if we assumed everyone was a good match that we came in and then we'd looked at their behavior, we looked at the conversation and then filtered out a cortically from that. So that's number one. Number two is, are we focusing on the qualities that matter? We're going to do another throwback to maybe our most popular brunch talk episode of the difference of being picky and settling. We talk about the only 7 things that matter. Are we focused on that or are we focused on all the other things that ultimately don't matter? That data gaps can predict. So that's another piece of it. And then how do you become the data that you want to date? How do you make sure that you're a good batch? That's the other piece out there. Less is more. This is not a popularity contest. The more you can know yourself and not be afraid to weed people out, that's good. I think so many times we have fomo, we think that every person could be our soulmate, it's having the confidence to say they're not. It's still out there and just keep going. We don't need to get distracted by all these people that are just noise. Yeah, cut through the noise. What a wonderful question. Thank you for sending that in and we're always looking for more brunch talk questions. You can send them directly to us by emailing hello at dateable podcast dot com or DMing us on Instagram at dateable podcast just whatever's on your mind. It doesn't matter if it's long, it's short, just send us your thoughts. We love reading them, and we will get to answering all of them. And that wraps up this week's brunch talk. Yep, we'll see you next week. Bye. The dateable podcast is part of the frolic podcast network. Find more podcasts you'll love at frolic media, slash podcasts. Want to continue the conversation? First, follow us on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter with the handle at dateable podcasts. Tag us in any post with a hashtag stay dateable and trust us, we look at all those pose. Ben head over to our website dateable podcast dot com. There you'll find all the episodes as well as articles, videos, and our coaching service with vetted industry experts. You can also find our premium Y series where we dissect, analyze, and offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums. We're also downloadable for free on Spotify, Apple podcasts, Google Play, overcast, stitcher radio, and other podcast platforms. Your feedback is valuable to us, so don't forget to leave us a review. And most importantly, remember to stay dateable. Hear that. That's the sound of a patient whose health data is protected from a cyberattack. And that, that's the sound of a financial system that's digitally secured from bad actors. Right now, there's an invisible war being fought on a digital battlefield that impacts what we do every day. That's why at periton, we do that can't be done to help protect the vital systems we rely on because if we don't, the alternative is unimaginable. Periton. Hi, I've got a prescription for diabetes test strips. How much is the copay? That could take me a while to calculate.

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