Do you need to have sex to gauge chemistry?

#brunchtalk: Do you need to have sex to gauge chemistry?

00:00:00 - 00:05:07

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Just download the drizzly app or go to drizzly dot com that's DRI dot com to start sipping with purpose. The data podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that The Huffington Post calls one of the top ten podcasts about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about everything from sex parties to sex droughts, date fails to diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host UA Shu, former dating coach turned dating sociologist. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Kraft chick as we explore this crazy dateable world. Happy brunch in everyone. Welcome to a brand new episode of brunch talk by the dateable podcast where we answer your burning dating questions. Damn right we do. I'm so glad to be back for another French talk. It's funny because I was at a barbecue this weekend. It was me and my partner and then everyone else was a gay dude. So it was like very fun talking about just like the podcast and gave versus straight. Just, you know, views on stuff, right? They were all so surprised that the number one question we get is like, what should I do with it, don't text me back? Or how do I do that they like me? They're like, well, when they don't text you back, they don't like you. It was just so simple. Everything was so dumbed down. I know. My Friends been showing me the messages he gets on these dating apps. And there's one that was like, hey, I think you're cute. Are you a top or a bottom? Straight to the point. I like it. I remember we had this conversation with one of our past guests about paying on the first date. And I remember him just being like, why is this a thing? Yeah. I feel like maybe less overthinking, I don't know. Yes, I think so. I mean, that's what it feels like. At least that's what it feels like. Grass is greater, right? My gay friends look at the questions I have, and they just think ridiculous. Yeah, they were like, what are you wasting your time on? Yeah. You got your answer. Move on. Move on. Go in. I love it. But anyways, that's a fun brunch. Yeah, I'm glad that we have these conversations to dissect and I'm glad that, you know, we have our audience that still wants to dissect it with us because yeah, I mean, I think sometimes there is a simple answer that's very straightforward black and white one, but also depending on the circumstances maybe there is more of a discussion debate. There's always nuances to every situation, but I can tell you, I know one thing for sure when it's so damn hot outside. I do not even want to think about dating. I don't want to be touching anybody. I don't want anybody touching me. This heat wave which I luckily escaped. I'm still dealing with it because I'm back in LA and my AC is not working. So I have to get that in order. And now I'm just sticky hot mess. I can't even think about dating or sex right now. Well, are you glad our question today is all about sex as you're thinking about that? Yes, I'm so glad. Let's talk about sex as you're a sticky hot mess that doesn't want to talk about sex. The things we have to do for dataflow podcast. Oh, I will not melt through this, but here's the question. Do you need to have sex in order to gauge chemistry? Yes, and more details that we got is I met someone new and I'm really into him and obviously I want to have sex.

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However, they said that they've been burned in the past by moving too quickly. And they're asking if we can hold off for a bit and get to know each other better. While I obviously want to respect this and do respect this, I do feel like you need to have some sort of gauge on sexual compatibility and for me that's always been through intercourse. How do you think I should proceed with respecting these wishes, but also being able to make an informed decision? First of all, the success of a relationship and how good the sex is are mutually exclusive, I would say, because you have emotional compatibility, does not mean you're going to have great sex. Just because you have great sex, does not mean you're going to have emotional compatibility. So I feel like those are two buckets that need to be visited at some point when you're starting a relationship. But I understand some people do have moral or they can have whatever reason they have. It doesn't have to be moral, whatever. Everybody has their own thing, and some people have their own reasons for not wanting to have sex in the beginning, phases of a relationship. And if that's the case, sex does not have to be penetration, sex can be playfulness, sex can be foreplay, sex can be touching body parts, not when you're in a 100° heat. But yes, you can be touching body parts, licking body parts. There are so many other ways to gauge sexual compatibility without penetrative sex. This is a hard one because I am actually kind of mixed on it. It depends how long we're talking to, what are the timelines that we're in. If it's only been like a week or two, that absolutely keep going with just getting to know this person. But I also do hear where this person's coming from. They want to see if there is this connection. I agree with you. There are other ways that we can look at sex and I think we tend to kind of reminds me of the conversation we had with Ian kerner of just like we tend to look at sex as just penetrative and not all the foreplay and outer play that we can do. So there's definitely more to sex that could be explored. I think there is like how do you balance two people's needs is what this comes down to. And I don't think either of you are wrong in this situation. It's very expected that you would want to get to know someone first before having sex. That should be a standard in dating, but I also see the other side of wanting to see if there's a connection and that sex is a part of a relationship. And understanding that, that being said, if you do have a partner that maybe needs more time to warm up, then just having sex immediately might not actually tell you if there is that chemistry. Like you might not actually get that answer because this person is already stated that they need this time. So I guess in that scenario, you have two options. One is you find someone that's more on the same page as you with just how you view sex and wanting sex. There's nothing wrong with that. I think sometimes we feel like there is something wrong by saying that, but I don't believe there is something wrong with that. The other side is you let this play out a little longer and gain that comfort on both ends. It's hard to say what you should do. I think there's somebody scenarios here. Like, how long have you been dating? What's your feeling on this connection? Is this like a once in a lifetime connection? And this is the one thing you haven't explored. I think that's very different than someone you feel lukewarm about. So clearly there's a lot to think about depending on the circumstance. Listen, you don't have to be having sex to experience the sex. So you can be talking about sex. Is this person willing to even talk about it? Yeah. In a partnership, you could have hot and steamy sex right out the gate, or you could have pretty bad sex right out the gate. You know, your entire relationship is not dependent on that moment of is there a sexual chemistry is dependent on if two people are willing to work on hot sex and hot sexual chemistry together. And as you know each other longer and you can talk about sex more openly, your sex will get better. Most of the time, unless they're like anatomical things that are happening where things just don't fit. That has happened to a friend of mine. She just could not deal with this size of a penis. It was too large for her and no matter how hard she tried, there was just no amount of lube in the world. That could help them have really enjoyable sex, pain free sex, but unless if you have something that's the exception, most couples, if you have the foundation for a good relationship and for communication, you will get to a place of hot, healthy sex. And in the longevity of relationship, you're a sex life also goes up and down. Sometimes you not having sex sometimes you're in having lots of sex. So I guess it's not the deal breaker, it's more of the starting point of a conversation and see if your partner is willing to just start talking about sex.

00:10:02 - 00:15:09

What do they like in the bedroom? At least you can start building each other up for that moment if and when it happens. I love that and it's such a good point that we often expect to know instantaneously from the first time. How indicative this is for the rest of our sex lives and definitely have been there before where things grow and you get more comfortable with each other and all of that. I think the number one thing here is comfort. Wherever you are and like I said before, you should obviously never force someone for consent reasons, but even if they do agree to sex and want to do it, but they're not truly ready. I feel like that's such a worse scenario to be in than for when they're like jumping to do it because that's going to be good sex versus not good sex of like what is the enthusiasm level for everything like you want someone that is equally psyched as you are with this and again that goes back to like is this the right person for you? That's for you to suss out with all of this but I think like a lot of times yeah kissing is not the whole picture. I'm not going to say it is like you said there's these scenarios where things just don't fit the right way and it just doesn't line up. I don't know for me personally the ones that haven't been good I could tell of the kiss. Like I knew it even from then because like the chemistry just wasn't there and like even like things like the way they smelled or the way they looked at you like did you get that feeling what we call the vagina tingles, you know? Do you feel that if you identify as a woman or do you feel like that feeling within you? That's how you know if there's gonna be sexual chemistry, even without having the physical act of sex. You highlighted a huge differentiator earlier, which is do you want someone to agree to have sex with you or do you want someone who wants to have sex with you? Yeah. We're not looking for someone to just give you consent. We want someone who wants it and desires you. And if we don't have that, that sexual chemistry will be lackluster, because someone's just agreeing to have sex with you. Oh my God, it sounds so unsexy. All right, I guess I'll do. Okay, fine. You want someone to like want to rip off your clothes or they're afraid that you'll leave. Oh yeah. I mean, I think clearly we're not talking about consent. That's like the foundation of the basics. We're definitely not saying do this without consent. But I think a lot of times people are like, well, it's been three dates. I guess I should have sex now. That's not like I really am dying to have sex. Those are different scenarios. A 100%. And that sexual chemistry, I mean, if you can build it up, I really feel like if you can build up the desire to the point where you both want to just rip each other's clothes off, you're pretty much guaranteed to have hot sex at that point. Yeah, right? The times I have had sex a little bit earlier on, they haven't been as good. Not that the relationship, again, it doesn't indicate that your relationship's gonna be bad, but the sex wasn't as good when you're not as comfortable with each other yet when you're not discussing this openly yet. You're just trying to use your moves with old people on this new person. And hoping that they also work, and you can get lucky sometimes, but I think the more you can just talk and build up that sexual chemistry without actual penetration, that penetration will just feel like fireworks naturally. Yeah, I totally agree. Let's hold that thought for a quick message. This episode is brought to you by gobble, gobble delivers Gourmet, freshly prepped 15 minute meal kits right to your doorstep. Their chef designed meals are easy to prepare with simple recipes and fresh ingredients that have been chopped, portioned and simmered so that dinner is both fast and flavorful. 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00:15:09 - 00:20:04

Weekly sound offs with guided discussions and regular virtual happy hours, allow Julie and I to become your dating sherpas to provide real-time guidance and wisdom in a more intimate way so we can all navigate dating and relationships together. Join the sounding board today by going to dateable podcast dot com slash sounding board. Again, that's dateable podcasts dot com slash sounding board. I think the way to reframe this is how do you make the anticipation sexy? Instead of just looking at it as this person isn't on the same page as me, they're not at the same pace as me. What can you do to build that anticipation? Because I think that will work twofold as a one, it will get them more comfortable. And then two, it will make you feel like things are progressing and moving towards that. And I totally get this feeling of like, okay, is this person ever going to be ready? Do they just not find me attractive? Are they not a sexual person? I think we don't really know that. Those answers, but it's easy to make those stories in our heads. So the more we can have those build up points. That's going to really help both parties. Oh, yes. The build up. I feel like half of sex is all about the build up, definitely. It's just like the texting and the little talks here and there and maybe sending some photos. I mean, use your imagination. I love that we can use our imagination in this scenario. And really force ourselves to think outside the box of traditional sex and think about how we can get our partners really aroused without even physically being around them. So this is a good challenge for you, right? To use your imagination in this way. I think that's a good opportunity to open up the dialog to just what is sex mean for you. Because clearly in this scenario, it means two different things for two different people. So the more that can be an open conversation, the less of those thoughts of like, are they just not into me? Whatever is getting in your way of not actually just believing that it's their own stuff that's coming through. I think that will really help make both parties more sure about moving forward, especially if the party that is a little slower paced here is looking to feel more comfortable if they can connect on an emotional side about this topic. I think that will help the comfort levels all around. What are your thoughts about discussing your sexual experience with a new partner? I think it's good. Like I know it's like a weird thing to say because you never want to picture your partner having sex with someone else and I don't think you need to give your number or like a list of all the people in positions you've done. That feels not necessary. But having a conversation of like, hey, I actually haven't had a lot of partners and I'm nervous or I moved too quickly with my last partner and I got attached and then they left right after. Like I think those conversations, it's good to know where that person is coming from. What do you think? This is what I learned is I like to communicate how I want to feel before during and after sex. And this is informed by my previous sexual experience. I agree with you. We don't need to get into numbers. I think it's a really dangerous path to go down so many couples. Oh yeah, so many people being judged by their number. It's like, you can't win. Either too low or too hot. Nobody's like, oh, that number sounds good for you. Or deflates it by Ted. Heights, right? A hundred people? You mean 80? No. It doesn't even matter. The numbers should not matter, but I do like for me my experience is I really like to cuddle after sex. It doesn't even have to be full on like, oh, we're all over each other, but I just like to be touching and with each other and have some time after sex. I don't want to get up and do the next thing. Go to brunch or have them leave. I personally feel the lowest when after sex, it's like both people are out of bed. I just can't deal with that, right? So that's something I like to communicate with a new partner. And I think it's important that I know myself enough to communicate that. No, I think that's really important. So it's not just your past experience in terms of how experienced you are, but you're passing experience of what works for you and what does it. That's really good. I think that's important. And it's like, what are those things? I know you've talked about this on the podcast before, so that's why I'm saying it. Like, you've talked about how your partner before your current one. It was sexless for a while. A year. Yeah, did you talk to your partner about that? I did. It was like the first thing we talked about. I think that's good though, 'cause it's like you're getting a gauge of where this person has been. And so many times we take things personally, especially when it comes to sex and desirability. Yes. So much of that is personal, but a lot of times it's not personal, especially when you haven't really met this person.

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If they're giving you all the signs that they're really attracted to you and all that, but they just want to hold off a bit on sex. Then, you know, I think that doesn't always mean that. I know that wasn't like the full question. It was more about like, can I gauge chemistry from it? But I do think there's a lot of that that kind of comes in as a body product of weeding. I think it's always good to be an open book and be vulnerable about what you've been through. And be vulnerable about what you don't know. So you can say, you know, as a person writing in, you could be very open with your partner and say, from my previous experience, if we don't have sex at the beginning of a relationship, it's harder for me to have a deeper connection towards this person. I'm open to exploring what this means to me. It does not mean we have to have sex, but I'm open to exploring and seeing why this is for me. And why sex means something else for you. It's always a conversation starter. It's not the end, it's not the definitive answer, but use every opportunity as a way to learn something new about your partner. And with everything in relationships, we are bringing two different lives experiences together. And a lot of times we have to understand our partner where they're coming from and they have to understand us and where we're coming from and meet in the middle and find something that works for both of us. Again, we don't want to rush someone, but we also don't want to diminish your own needs. So like, hopefully that person can also understand that like, let's be honest, sex is an important part of a relationship. It's what distinguishes a friend from someone that's more of a significant partner, right? Relationship. And I don't think there's anything wrong with saying that that's something you want to figure out how your compatibility lines up. We don't need to be so demure when it comes to talking about sex. Even if you're just dating someone casually, right? Even in that situation, even in a Friends with benefits situation. It's always a good idea to open up about sex and what it means to you. So both people can be aligned on that. I remember going to brunch with some of my guy Friends and them just judging the women. They would go on dates with because they had sex too early or they had sex too late. And it was never good enough or she seemed like she had so many partners she was too good. Like, shut the fuck up. I wish I would have slapped some of these. If I could go back in time, it just slapped my guy Friends for all those comments. I totally would. But we won't go back in time, but we are here to save anybody who is thinking these thoughts is that sex is there for us not to judge other people's sex is there for us as a conversation starter so we can get to know each other. Sex is a part of us just as our values are a part of us. Our families are part of us, so think about it that way and not in a way where we can judge other people for what they choose to do, or not do. I also do think and I'm going to put this out there that women hetero women are just as guilty as judge about sex. Oh, yes. In different ways. So it's not like one gender or another thing. But I always feel like if you wait a little longer because you've established this emotional connection, you're not going to just bolt if it's like mediocre. Like you're going to pursue it again and work to get it to be good sex. Yes. And I think if you go too soon and again, we don't know from this question, like how long have these two people have been dating? That is a big factor, I think, in my opinion, of what is that timeline, and for everyone it's different, but having that as a conversation point is so essential. But if it's too soon, and it's not good, you're just going to say there was no sexual chemistry. Yeah. Where if the chemistry has been built through that anticipation, through foreplay, through other methods, and it's meh, you're probably going to work to see how you can make it good. I hope so. I really hope so. Sex is a skill that you mold with your partner just like cooking. Just like dancing, you know? It's stuff that you do with your partner and just because you were good or bad with a previous partner does not show that you're going to be the same way with this current partner. So it's a great opportunity to dance with your partner and to learn about them. That's a good point too. It's like we think that sexual compatibility were like benchmarking it to pass people. Yeah. But it's more than just that. It's what's happening current day in this situation. So I guess in short, what we learned from this conversation is yes, you absolutely can still see sexual compatibility without having sex. That doesn't mean that your needs are not heard, though, and how do you build up that anticipation in that comfort in the conversation we're also afraid to talk about sex, but let's do it. How do you build that up so both of you feel more comfortable about the situation and then you can work to great sacks instead of judging the relationship by sexual compatibility, you're already deciding that you're compatible and how are you gonna make yourselves more compatible through sex? Look at that.

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How nice? That, ladies and gentlemen and everybody. That wraps up this episode of brunch talk. Thanks for sending in this question was a lovely question and keep sending them in 'cause we're gonna keep doing these every week. You can email us hello at dateable podcast dot com or you can DM us on Instagram at dateable podcast with your questions. We want to read all of them. We want to answer all of them. So even if you've already sent in a question, you can do more than one. How nice is that, right? There are no rules, no rules, okay? We'll see you next week. Bye. The dateable podcast is part of the frolic podcast network. Find more podcasts you'll love at frolic media slash podcasts. Want to continue the conversation? First, follow us on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter with the handle at dateable podcast. Tag us in any post with a hashtag stay dateable and trust us. We look at all those pose. Then head over to our website dateable podcast dot com. There you'll find all the episodes as well as articles, videos, and our coaching service with vetted industry experts. You can also find our premium Y series where we dissect, analyze, and offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums. We're also downloadable for free on Spotify, Apple podcasts, Google Play, overcast, stitcher radio, and other podcast platforms. Your feedback is valuable to us, so don't forget to leave us a review. And most importantly, remember to stay dateable. When you love writing a motorcycle, you want to write it everywhere, even getting a dental checkup. Mister Carter, wouldn't you prefer the chair? I'm fine on my bike, Doc. Well, let me know if you feel any discomfort. And when you love saving money, you want to save even more. That's why Geico makes it easy to bundle your motorcycle and car insurance. All done, mister Carter, remember to brush, floss, and lubricate your drive chain regularly. Kickstart your savings with Geico motorcycle. Bundle and save on the things you love. Macy's one day sale is going on now, with great deals of the day to update your rotation. Like 40 to 50% off fall essentials and must have styles for him and for her. 30 to 50% off the perfect shoes and bags to match and get 40% off your new favorite designer fragrances. Plus, get your order even faster when you pick up curbside, in store, or get same day delivery. Now it may sees, savings of sale and clearance prices exclusions apply.