BONUS: Setting your 2021 Intentions (for love)

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The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves.  I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world.

Everyone welcome to another episode of the dateable. Podcast where we discuss everything. That is modern dating especially digging into the y. Y why's of people's behavior including your own. We are so excited to welcome. Twenty twenty one with all of my like there's new listeners alike as their ever been a year that we've been more excited to lose. I feel like this wasn't even a celebration. The sierras just this weird somber. You know. just let it happen but it's also obviously circumstance of where we are. We went to see Watch the sunset a nice and just like twenty twenty just kept lingering. The sunset took a felt like ours to set it. Just like would not doubt and everyone around was like is time like the sun is twenty. The sun is still still up. So it's it just kept lingering but we're so glad to start afresh new year with all of you. You know it's funny. I was thinking about this like you know. Two years is not my favorite holiday played. It eat it. I hate it so much and but it's one of those things that you feel obligated every year to do something right so last year eyebrows. Like i kinda just wanna like stay at reflect dot do the thing is that of course i felt like the foam creep in so i ended up going to the virgin hotel party in right at midnight. A tell. this ceiling lamp fell on my friends. Head right like looking back. In retrospect she was okay. She was okay. I should purposes and say this but we ended up getting everything competent like the whole thing's literally fouled right aunt midnight on twenty twenty. I was like looking back like if that wasn't a bad habit. I don't know what what for Holy shit while you really should have sued. I know they were like actually super mean like they were like laughing at her and making fun of her and it was all caught on camera. And that's how she got a refund for us all we were like damn. We should've been really ringing up that bar tab. We did not take full advantage. Obviously we didn't have that is bullshit reminds me of the time that you remember. When we had a live. Show at broadway studios. I just got. I just got a assert but this out in the public so we had a live event. A this was years ago we first started dateable and it was super fun except this light fell on my on my forehead in the middle of the show and i was bleeding. And they didn't do anything about it and looking back. I'm like why didn't we sue them or trying to comment or anything we ended up having to pay for the that is fucked up fucked up anyway but anyways i had a good year as 'cause i have now an auntie. Congratulations how exciting. You better be a good role model. I'm going to be a great role model already. Great role model. Does she have the baby on the twenty ninth. So right before says a good end to twenty twenty. Yeah that's really awesome. And then you spent new year's eve with your parents right. Did we had a raging event. Shaw my dad. Promised that he'd make it up all the way to new year's to he did he. Did he took a nap nap. Horrible event by. Bob and i broke out the wine so it was a major. Yeah got sloshed. So hung up way you. I had no photo this year to do. I feel like i was like. How can you have fomo. where would you go. who would you see. I had a great new year's eve to my boyfriend. I stayed at home. We got dressed up though now. Eight at home pop some champagne. We had the dogs with us and our friend. Trevor did a dj show over zoo. You might actually really fucking good. You love him. Julie all the throat by invaded i. I had no idea. I had no idea at this talent. But he has hired for our next event. Trevor is romney's think my mom and i have been raging. Oh you you would have been raging. He was dj up until two am. I think and then everyone had cameras off. Because i think people either asleep or doing whatever they were doing and he was still going like. Trevor you the man yes stamina for our hours but it was so fun i you're right i know fomo i did not want to be outside.

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It was so nice just staying in. I did pop into our Sounding our yep. She'll be was hosting one of our wonderful hosts and we. Actually i saw. I was in there with a couple of people and then over the night i saw more and more people join so you know there's always something it's a weird year for all you know But i think honestly. I was just like blown away by some of the best that we got from the saudi royal like. I literally cried when i read one. That swannee road about just like how this was like. She kind of came into twenty twenty with heartache. In then this group in this podcast has really like totally shape like her. She just said that this was like the silver lining of twenty twenty. Yeah i wanna read a little bit of read it in her own words yes. She put his so beautifully she said when the year started i started with. Heartbreak started with heartbreak for me. That's when i started looking up dating on podcast apps and found the dateable podcast. This group has not only been a silver lining for me a turn out to be one of the biggest highlights of my year and then she went on to say you know Who would've thought strangers online would become some of my closest confidants. And here's so much of my inner world. Fears insecurities and heartbreaking all. Thank you all for holding space and making a safe and welcoming and thank you from the diversity. Your perspectives your willingness to teach and learn your presence and your vulnerability. Thank you julianne. Ua for starting the podcast starting this space. And letting me indulge in hosting weekly podcast discussions. I leave every podcast. Discussion and happy hour feeling nourished care for and connected. Oh goosebumps. It's just so beautifully written. She's she's so introspective and so humble that was like the first word that came to my. When i first met along the on one of our virtual events like she is so humble. Thank you so much for being part of our community and we are so lucky to have you. We're so glad that you found us. Like talk about serendipity going through heartbreak and finding us it just shows you that in times of adversity there's always a silver lining in another door opens and we got so many people writing in about just like how connected they felt in this time. Where you really like. It's time that a lot of us felt very unconnected especially if you move to a new city especially if you're like stranded living on your own or whatever your circumstances even let's say you had a full of people you still might have felt that need for connection and i think like just seeing all the messages poor in like i think these are just some of the top ones that we wanted to read but this really need our new year's made i think people ask like we've been doing this for five years which don't know about you but this is probably the longest thing i've done outside the lake and corporate and like what what keeps us going. Is this like. I think that is really what keeps us going like. Also we're learning to. But i think just hearing that it's impacting people and that were making a difference for people. That's what keeps us going every day. If you're wondering what this episode is about again never really set up your officially in our off season we will be starting season twelve very soon but off season for us still means content. We're still churning out episodes but each episode will be focused on a different theme so the theme of this episode is all about setting intentions for the new year. we're all about setting intentions instead resolutions. I think resolutions are such bullshit and yeah those out the twenty twenty door but setting intentions will help you create the mindset and set the tone for the new year so we wanted to dive into some of the intentions that our our facebook members have posted and some of our own intention Twenty twenty we all had our twenty twenty vision. Remember how overuse this who bought the calendar who bought the journal. We all did it. Okay like everyone. this is my year. Twenty twenty is my year. It's like i have this really unique concept twenty twenty vision and then they're just like every day no cove it was hovering around the corner like twenty twenty s my ear. But that's exactly the point. I was trying to make was that. It's like you can't always control life and i think what i liked about intentions is it is something you can control because you can always controlling your mindset. You can always control. Like what is that. Like you know nor star that i want to put out into the universe and i think that's what it's better than resolutions or i need to accomplish. X y and z lakes. Sometimes like i don't know about you. But i feel like i always under saw how long things are gonna take. I'm always like oh this will take like a month or this will take like a year and it's like nope takes a lot longer so i think having the intention is just putting you on that path instead of making these unrealistic things that are just gonna set us up for disappointment and i think after twenty twenty everyone is very cautious of.

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No one is like. I'm going to conquer and slave this year. Now you do year do which i know about. Everyone's like new year. Same shit we can set the post set the pace and set the tone for how we want the new year to go so we put up this poll. That was in place of our. Would you rather which is like if you were to choose one word to set the tone for the rest of the year. Which of these words would you rather pick. And the top three words that surfaced were growth courage and compassion and those are three really wonderful words. Because they're very different growth is all about. I think about like personal growth. And how you push yourself outside your comfort zone. Courage i think is about acting upon that growth. Once you've gotten past comfort zone then. How do you surpass that. And then keep you know keep pushing yourself forward and compassion is. Don't forget about people while you're on your journey you can't you know. Sorta like discount people's feelings and their experiences. It's all about being on your journey but also making sure that there's no roadkill along the way showing compassion for other people so nice. Three words at our community chose so she we take a quick break to talk about our sponsor. Your let's do it. This episode is sponsored by a book called fairy godmothers ink by sarah d- wild filled with quirky charm. Sexy romance witty banter and refreshing unique characters. The first installment of the series is the perfect romcom with a touch of magic. So get this ever. After is a town. The runs magic and that magic is fueled by love. So when the three fairy godmothers charge of ever after his magic supply realized the towns power has started to wane. they conspire to transform. Ever after into a premier wedding destination in of attracting a measure infusion of love to the town now fairy godmothers inc this particular series features a second chance love story between an unlucky young woman named lucky fujiki and her college boyfriend who now runs a chocolate empire. So you can read all about this book. At kensington books dot com or wherever books are sold. Awesome so there. Is this post that. I saw that you waste friend put up. Lucy will give her shout. It was like here's it's like a word search like one of those ones that you would like see you know like those teen mags growing up and it was like what are the first four words that you see in. That's going to be like your intention of the new year. Yeah i love the show. I always fall forest. I stared at it for like thirty minutes. Only saw one word. No i asked you if that's where your inspiration from it you're like fuck bitch. I can't i can't do this. But the words. I got that i thought were actually really great. I actually did it twice. Because i was so intrigued by but i did. I got. I was like i need to have this good intention. But i got connection creation breakthrough in strain. The next four words. I got were man. Gratitude money and health man who love it not men. it's man the man in giller singular killer. That's a lot of words you saw and you to stare at that thing a little bit longer. 'cause all i saw was alignment which is actually pretty good work. Yeah i think that's a like a fantastic for myself to set this year. Because you know sometimes you feel like your your life has multiple lives not moving in parallel. Pats feeling this is a year where my different paths will align together on her. So maybe that's the reason why only saw one word the entire time. That's super interesting for you. And that's a really good intention. I think out of the ones that i have. I think i'm gonna go with. I mean i think connection actually almost was like a twenty twenty word for me like especially like with our community and all of that like i think connection can be a romantic connection but doesn't have to be. It can be in many shapes and forms and i felt i dunno. I think twenty twenty is a weird year. But i feel like i felt more connected to friends and family and our community and all different people in this year even though so much was virtual which roenick but i think the the word intention. I'm to focus on this year is probably creation and i think that's such a powerful word. It actually kinda reminds me of one of our past episodes like Relationship are you. Sure you want the love that wino- and i love to because it was all about like okay. What do you really want. And then how do you create it and like how do you create a relationship. Not just maintaining crete one. That works for you. Whether that's you know go at it solo or having a partner but it doesn't need to fit like a set like you know like those set rules of society that we've always been told and i think for me like chretien is such an important word at place to you professional life and what we do here but also like i see it shown up personal life.

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What i like about that word for you as fall is that it shows that you are in control. Yes the one creating the life that you want instead of waiting for things to happen to you like i. I think when people say. I want better luck this year better this year. Those are things that are out of your controllable tension. That's just a a wish but creation is beautiful because this is something you can take control of your. I really liked alignment to i think. That's a great one. Because a lot of times we see like different aspects of our lives. And we're like how do these all come together and i think it could be. That also could be just like a lining i'm like what are my core goals like. What are the things. That really truly mattered to me. I'm also gonna play off of our last episodes of the year. Which can you have it. All with may lee and i doubt as never girl crush aviation. It's basically you a and twenty five years. I hope i mean is who you issue is in twenty five years. I'm on a very good path. Yep look like your veterans. Several similar allow. You a literally should be. Was that the face app where you like can herself it. Just older and i was like oh my god. It's may i did mine in her boyfriend's which were pretty funny. I know yeah. We spent many hours looking at ourselves as older people or as a different gender. You're really hot boy. I know we both were really hot. Man what a tangent nas monitored by the face app dope anyways back to allied bit. I think the point was like you can't have it all or if you can it's at different points of your life. It's not all at the same time. There's always going to be trade-offs in life. And i think the what i love about. The word alignment is at. Let's focus on what is it. That is really important to be in life. And i think it's interesting. It's like it like there's so many like preconceived notions like if you draw if you have kids. You can't have a career anymore if you have kids you don't talk to your friends but that isn't the case it's like. Yeah there might be something that has to go but whatever's core to. You doesn't necessarily have to go away yet. The word alignment is really fantastic. Because it's not about having things fall into place is have given you the Vision to see it all fall into place. You know it's like you. Seeing things aligning and and making sense together. It's not like you have to force things to happen. So i really. I really like that word as well. And i pulled up some the intentions from our members. Yes something tensions that they set for themselves for the new year. Tony said my intention is to be kinder to myself. I love that. Yeah i mean this is like we did a couple polls for anyone that started the facebook group was the word and then one was more a just a generic. What is your intention. I think there was another one too. That i really loved that was from shannon. Yes says my intention is to live authentically and put energy towards my reciprocal relationships and let the others go. Wow yeah and then just the last one will read. There were so many Ricky was to love in general. And i think that actually is wonderful because again love doesn't need to be a romantic love like i know he personally just got a new puppy like it could be so many different things like just put it. This was actually kind of playing off. What swannee road shoe is like. I mean we kind of gave the abbreviated version of this long post but there is a part of like there was so much love in my life in this group like in this community. That wasn't even a romantic love in the more like love. You have it just softens your edges over all in kind of like sets you up for that partner or also just set you up to be happy in life. One of the to both are going to be great for you. And how is this related to your love life. While we had a question of the day that was one thing you plan on changing in your love. Life for twenty twenty. We pulled up some really great answers as while there were a ton. So you definitely get our facebook group to three through that but alexa said express. My romantic relationship needs and and not be a classic self-sacrifice sir. I think that's a huge one for a lot in terra building. Up my confidence in loving myself in order to attract the right partner for me and to be more upfront about what. I want and need from relationships when dating. Oh i think that one is so important.

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We're always so focused on like will they like me. Will i be chosen. But at the end of the day this is about your needs and i think that honestly for me that is something that is an intention of this year is to be. I wanna say like more selfish. But at least like more self aware of what i need a little more and you know liked obviously help meet people where they are what they need to. But you can't just totally sacrificed herself all the time either. Let's hold that thought for a second. I'll get right back to it now. The holidays are the perfect time to get a little bit more. Glam d- up even if you're attending more virtual parties than past years thrive cosmetics. Yes cosmetics instead. Cosmetics is one of our favorite beauty brands that we discovered this year. Their products are high performance award winning and are both vegan and cruelty free clinically proven formulas highlight your best features and improve your skin over time. Our goto and julia love this. One is award-winning mascara. Called liquid lash extensions over. And i don't know about anybody else but i have not been able to get my lash extensions this year because tova and this product makes my lashes so long. I've been assive. I'm wearing extensions this flake. Free smudge free and clump. Free product has more than seven thousand five star reviews and one glamorous best clean beauty product of twenty twenty award for the best miscarriage and now a lot of their holiday sets include a free tube of this mascara plus for every product. You buy they donate to help. A woman thrive yes. That's where the 'cause medics come from star thriving and help women need today by going to thrive 'cause medics dot com slash dateable for fifteen percent off your first purchase. That's thrive c. a. u. s. e. medics dot com slash dat l. e. for fifteen percent off and one more quick announcement from us. Let's face it. It's a weird time to be dating or developing relationships. Have you recently decided that you wanna make some changes to your love life. Maybe you've recently re enter the dating scene. Maybe you've gone on one too. Many dates that went nowhere. Or maybe you're ready to take your current relationship to the next level. That is exactly why we created the sounding board. A true extension of our podcast delivers a personalized experience. Which includes one coffee dates with us. A monthly dateable live after show exclusive audio content and much more allow julian. I become dating. Sherpa us to provide real time guidance and wisdom in a more intimate way so we can navigate dating and relationships together. Join the sounding board today by going to dateable podcasts dot com slash sounding board again. That's dateable podcasts. Dot com slash sounding board. Okay let's get back into this combo and the core of this is about building up your confidence and your self esteem which is related to our newest sounding board audio series windows all about loving yourself and building up that quite confidence but at the core of that is all about self esteem. i. I'm reading this book about self esteem and the author believes that the your self esteem is the immune system for your mind of your self esteem has compromised than your mind. This compromise and i thought that was a really great way to look at why self esteem is so important for your holistic health. So i really liked that from tarik you know. She's focusing on building up confidence and loving herself. I mean i'm looking at. So many of these ryan valuing myself in giving myself more to people who value me as well. Yeah oh love that one. I we talked about this. On the jared freed episode to like is so much of it is we think like oh if i really like them they must want to do the exact same with me. And if i wanna spend every waking moment with them they want to do the same with me in. That doesn't always happen. And if people aren't showing you that why over invest in people. That aren't so. I love this like i'm going to invest in people. Invest in me and i it's related to emily's to she said i'm going to stop thinking about and hoping that the guy likes me instead. I'm going to focus on deciding whether or not i even like him. That's so big. 'cause so much about dating is trying to win the other person's approval and affection when you haven't even decided if you like this person or not. I think cynthia also falls under that to be more confident in on myself prioritize my needs stop trying to be the chill a call girl syndrome. We've guilty but yeah it's like these Like me feel bags. We feel like they're selfish to want these things. But it's not it's like if you can feel good about things then you can also be more of a loving and giving partner to someone else and that's really to a kendra said said of. She hopes to be a better communicator. She understands understand that. I have lots of healthy relationships outside of romance. That's keen ring there so something about a person's triggering unhealthy actions in me.

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It's a red flag. Think sometimes we forget that led to recognize healthy relationships. That are platonic that. Are you know that our people were not dating yet when we get into these romantic relationships we we forget what that healthy relationships could look like. So i love that she's modeling. How many relationships you know after like relationships that are not necessarily romantic. Yeah i think there's so many times of put this pressure on ourselves. We talked about this in the episode with niki. Novo it's like we don't put pressure on ourselves for any other relationship l. if they just flow naturally and if you were a friend that just never responded to your tax. Why would you keep texting them. You wouldn't like you. You invest back and people that are investing in you. And i think like also i love it too because it it also proves there's nothing wrong with you. 'cause you're single if you've other heidi relationships it doesn't mean that you're incapable of our relationship. It just means that for whatever reason you're either one falling into the trap of being someone that you're not in your healthy relationships or you just haven't met that person or whatever. The reason could be a great temperature. Check is always. What a friend do this to me would have say this to me. And what. I say this to a friend and jason kind of says this in his His post to. He says he wants to be more vulnerable. Admit to people that. I might be nervous or new to a situation and not be afraid of this type of proclamation which is so. It's it's just like a shows you that sometimes were so afraid to show ourselves to people. Were dating yet. We do it with the people we love in our lines that were not dating. So why not show that vulnerable side of you and be able to be honest with yourself and with them how you're feeling in the moment yup and then to kind of wrap this up. This is the perfect one to do it. And it's from. Julie not me but i do a chill on expectations and just enjoying people. I mean honestly. I think we get so ahead of ourselves so many times. I'm guilty of this for sure. But it's like just if you go into every new thing is just like. I'm getting to know someone new a meeting them. It's kind of like back to the friends thing when you go in. You're not like is this going to be my best friend. I know he come back and ask me out for another day like right friends. It's like that weird nervous energy people pick up on that just like chill enjoy life and you know let things play out the way they're supposed to be easier said than done it's easier than like has fun with it. How privileged to be in a world where we can choose our romantic partner. We have that option. We have that control and ability. Some of the people in the past have not been able to have that sort of option. So we are very privileged. We are very lucky so we should make the best out of it and just have fun with it. All it's totally rate process to be part of. I think people will enjoy dating apps like we see people just blaming dating apps being so negative. And it's if you really treated as just another way to be introduced to people and if things don't click or like like. I don't know i feel like i shared a couple of weeks ago that i had someone like ended because like i didn't like horror movies. Sifi it at the moment i was just like what the fuck but also like do i wanna spend my life watching. This is so our to this person. And i'm also like now talking to people that have so much more common with so it's just this happens. I know personally. It's always happens. It's like in the moment you think it's the frigging and all and be. All of the world went. Something doesn't work out and then you need someone that is just such a better. Maybe it's not like immediate but eventually it will happen. So i think we just take it for what it is not be so but hurt every time something doesn't work out and just look at it as like par. The course i think i mean your happiness in general it can just roll off a little like you could just move on and do something else with your day. Yeah there's there's a really interesting technique where you separate the action from your judgement of it so if someone doesn't call you back that's just an action in itself and then you separate that from how you would take that as they don't like me i'm not worthy. I'm not loveable. You separate the two. So i'm an action happens. You take it at face value like you were saying and then you decide how you want to react to and i. I think this is a great technique for all of us. A practice is very hard. I've been trying to do it but it just makes so much sense because a lot of times. What people's actions with they're doing is independent of you. It's something that happening in their life. Can't take it as like. Oh my gosh this is something affecting me. i'm i need to take it personally I also wanna read some of some other post from our sounding board members because they just spend so inspirational like who is. She is in a committed relationship. She is engaged to get married.

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She has kids and she says while not actively dating groups for mary. People also don't make sense for me. I'm so happy to find a community with people in different relationships stages and so much support. I'm so happy to say i'm ending. Twenty twenty with great friends that this is. This is what we're talking about. Dating is not just about single people either in all everyone's dating every phase in their life whether they're married or not and even if you're in a relationship you're still dating your partner so this is so important for us to hear yet and also finding other people like it's too much to put everything on your partner like yes they can be there for you. They can be your best friend or whatever but it doesn't need to be like your whole center of your world because that's when the resentment happens to and people don't have enough of their own life going on. Yep yep for sure. She we do this from laura to our last one so grateful to julian you a and this group how we love and relate is so personal and also meta this group at this historical time of historical reckoning and self reflection is absolutely where a meant to be the podcast and community here have played at enron role in that We'd love it. We love the your exact to be an. We want you to here. Yeah like what. I've taken away from all of this. It's like twenty twenty one intention restaurant. Just chill the fuck outta cow one of them and it's like appreciate what you have love. Is there already. I think so much. And i'm guilty of this. It's like you're fixing on finding a romantic partner but you don't recognize all the love. The shows up in your day to day. And i think if you can recognize that it's easier to chill the fuck out because it's not like you have no love if someone doesn't text you back or goes away you know it's like there's they're just not it right now. You know it's like that's that's all it is. It's no reflection of yourself unless you make it a reflection of yourself and know that in the new year because every time we started a new year people feel like things are gonna happen and a wrong way of approaching a new year because again. That's out of your control. You have no idea what's going to happen. What you can't control is in the new year new things are going to happen inside my head. I'm gonna take better control my emotions. I'm going to um feel more compassion and empathy for people that i can do as soon as the clock turns midnight and i start twenty twenty one so think about that as we enter the new year. We will continue to remind you all of that because we need a reminder ourselves as well but setting that intention for the new year is extremely important and we want to hear. Your intentions are share with us at their through facebook or instagram. Or you can email us hello edible. Podcast dot com. We want to hear your intention. So we can keep each other accountable So again just to clarify the general love and the time of corona is open to all it is a free group in if you wanna take it up a notch. The sounding board is where it is. And for that you just go to sat dateable podcast dot com slash sounding board. We have three tiers kind of select. What fits your needs. And that is you know the place where the true magic happens released deeper. Bonds being connected. I talked to one of our members. Jason who's been a host since the very first day and he was like you know at the beginning. I was a little like not skeptical but like a little concerned. I wouldn't get as many viewpoints. The smaller group of people. But then he's like it has been the total opposite. It is something that. I go to every thursday when before i was not because the conversations have gotten so deep. They're not just surface level anymore. These people are like my true friends and confidants and they get where. I'm at and i think like that to me. I was like this is exactly what we wanna do with the sounding board. It's like having a smaller yet. Super engaged group of people that are your go to people Yes thank you. Jason for being part of our group and for being along for the ride for the last few years now yeah. Jason was all the exit interview never must episodes so. We really appreciate you jason. I know we mentioned you. Hope you don't mind we do. He loves it. He loves that all right. That's it for this episode brand new episode of twenty twenty one. We'll be back next week for another bonus episode and as always wrap it up by saying a jailable the dateable podcast is part of the frolic. Podcast network five more podcast love at frolic dot media slash. Podcast want to continue the conversation. I follow us on instagram. Facebook and twitter with the handle at dateable podcasts. Tag us in any post with the hashtag. Stay dateable and trust us. We look at all those then head over to our website. Dateable podcasts dot com there.

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You'll find all the episodes as well as articles videos and our coaching service with vetted industry experts. You can also find our premium y series. We're we dissect analyze offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums roseau downloadable for free on spotify apple podcasts. Google play overcast stitcher radio and other podcasts platforms. Your feedback is valuable to us. So don't forget to leave us a review and most importantly remember to stay dateable.